Death wish

It's been a weird and interesting season for me, the beginning of 2010.

I have encountered death in multiple ways:

1) In January, I was present in the same room as two women (I did not know) as they expelled their last breath and witnessed the anguish of their families, all within a space of two weeks (very, very surreal experience);

2) I journeyed with A. who was part of my Woman to Woman Ministry very closely and was present during her last hours on this earth on February 8th (see Friday Graces and earlier entries in January);

3) I attended the wake of my good friend A.'s grandmother who passed away just before the Lunar New Year;

4) I visited my Aunt L. last September when I heard she had cancer and have journeyed with her in spirit since then as she lived in Melbourne. I grew to know and love her as recently as two years back and I was very upset when I heard that cancer had re-entered her life. Auntie L. passed away just this Tuesday past and I really mourn her leaving but I am glad I saw her last year and got the chance to say my goodbye via email, thanks to my cousin R.; and

5) Today, I found out that my ex-client and a woman I have tremendous respect and love for, Sue Huxley, is dying. Sue has been in a coma these last eight - nine days past. I visited her today regretting I did not call her sooner although I did feel the urge to contact her several times over these last five months, I only found out today about her condition, thanks Lisa, and hightailed to say goodbye to her.

Sue was the reason I went to Cambodia on the house-building project for the Tabitha Foundation*. I have known Sue since 2002, 2003 and every year when she went to Cambodia, I have been fascinated by what she did.

I finally got the opportunity to go with her last year (although I had been saying I wanted to go for the few years prior to 2009) and I had an unbelievably enriching experience.

On hindsight, I realize how privileged I was to go on that fateful house-building trip. I got a chance to see how big Sue's heart was and how she was such an integral part of this particular effort.

During last night's W2W meeting, I reflected on how sacred dying, death was. That it was not something to be feared.

However, mostly we are distracted by pain, suffering, disease and its contingent treatment, and the fear of uncertainty and death.

It's funny for as Christians, we believe in the promise of eternal life, so isn't dying a great thing? Why do we fear it so much when it reunites us with God and those we have lost through the years?

Isn't heaven supposed to be this great place of joy and pleasure that is beyond all human understanding? So why don't we all want to go to heaven pronto?

Perhaps we need to reflect on death more often to internalize the truths we learned as children.

I recall Fr. Martin's words that the dying are God's word to us and we would do well to listen carefully and act accordingly.

Joy and sorrow, life and death, these two pairs come as a package deal, and cannot exist, one without the other.

We would not be able to experience true joy if we have never had an experience of real sorrow.

Likewise, unless we feel "Time's winged chariot hurrying near" and the capricious brittleness of our mortality, we cannot make the decision to live fully. True to who we are.

Therefore, to honour our loved ones who have gone before us, we must live well and live true. To respond to those we love, present and departed, by living with integrity and openness of heart.

What's more, we never truly lose our loved ones to death.

As my SD commented when I told him about Auntie L.'s death, now she knows how I truly feel, for in death, she and I are now in communion without earthly barriers (Aunt L. is now part of the communion of saints) and our love is more perfect than it previously was.

I take great comfort in that thought.

As for death, I recognize its potency without fear, and I look forward to eternally resting in its light.

I celebrate the lives of those who are soon or recently departed, and I thank them all for being a part of my life. They have made it so much richer and they have all helped me become a better person.

My last wish this day is that I do not trivialize the significance and sanctity of death.

* In honour of Sue, a school is being built for children in Cambodia. To contribute to the Sue Huxley School in Cambodia, go to: http://suehuxley.blogspot.com/2010/02/sue-huxley-school-cambodia.html

Fate worse than death

It used to be that a fate worse than death usually meant that a woman was raped or her virtue dishonoured (especially through the loss of virginity), hence she would be better off dead.

This speaks of how chastity used to be prized and that the act of sexual love was something practised mostly in a monogamous, lifelong relationship called marriage. And rightly so.

Not just because it was good as opposed to sinful, but that the sexual act is one of unitive love for humans, and not merely an act of procreation as it is for the animal kingdom.

Made in God's image, it is in this act of love that we, man and woman, can give ourselves to each other selflessly, allowing us to imbue sex with a wealth of meaning beyond obvious physical pleasure, transforming it into a pledge of committed love and fidelity. (Pardon the TOB* soapbox spiel.)

So chastity, outside of marriage was pretty much a way of life for most people until the sexual revolution in the 60s and the eventual growing acceptance of premarital sex.

Chastity today is, sadly, widely perceived as a curtailment of freedom and personal happiness, but I fail to see how sexual freedom has led to happier individuals, harmonious families and stability in social structures around the world?

Just look at the scores of lonely people who engage in unsafe, risky activities, the rise in the number of sex perverts, paedophiles, rape cases, sexual abuse, divorce rates, single parent families, sexual infidelities, broken relationships and diseases related to non-monogamous sexual activity.

Loneliness and/or involuntarily enforced celibacy is ironically the new fate worse than death, often impelling people to go from sexual encounter to sexual encounter, desperately seeking for love to the extent that they lose their sense of self and dignity. Their bodies no longer respected as sacred vessels but common commodities to be traded, with deadly consequences at times.

In a episode of Oprah, it was reported that a man is now behind bars for knowingly infecting at least six (there were many more) women with HIV and other STDs for he had engaged in multiple, concurrent, unsafe, sexual relationships with usually older, divorced women, and we are not even talking about promiscuous women but educated and successful women who thought they were dating this charming, caring man, very often, exclusively.

Sex taken casually can kill.

In an earlier episode, an ageing woman with bleached hair, wearing a tight-fitting top, felt obligated to go to bed with any stranger who bought her a drink all because she was looking for a man who will love and affirm her as a woman.

Then (in another programme) there was this attractive, single mother who had nine children and embarrassed the older ones because all she wore were the skimpiest ("skanky" was what some people who saw her remarked) outfits on a daily basis, convinced that sexy was an aspirational state of being.

In the latter, these two different women clearly did not want to be alone, without a "man", and saw sexiness as the epitome of feminine sexuality that would enable them to use their bodies to win love.

Not altogether an uncommon belief or practice among both sexes today, given popular culture's celebration of the body as a functional means for financial gain, power, status and satisfying carnal desires.

Just a couple of days back, a friend who is in her late 60s shocked and amused me simultaneously when she suggested I compromise my principle on chastity if I sought a lifelong partner. A. really means well for she wants to see me happily married.

I want to see me married, too, but for all the right reasons, and in the proper, i.e., ordered way. That, for me, involves full participation from God in the selection of "the man", and he, the man, must respect my principles and value me beyond my appearance or accomplishments.

Call me anachronistic, dumb, picky or just plain weird, I admit to being all that.

Sure, there are times I struggle with being single.

There are days when even my great relationship with Jesus falls short. There are days I yearn to cleave to ONE man who amplifies my joys and eases my sorrow as we meet life head-on, together. as one single unit.

However, I would not trade in my chosen way of life, my voluntary celibacy/chastity; for first and foremost, it is but a single aspect of my sexuality and does not define my sense of fulfillment as a woman; and secondly, I have not felt as liberated or fulfilled as at present time, when I am able to express myself freely and love fully, growing into my potential as a woman, regardless of my marital status.

This all brings me back to the genesis of this blog entry. A reflection on death that led to curiosity over the etymology of the phrase "a fate worse than death".

Is death that fearsome? And what could be feared more than death, if it is?

For me, many things can be feared more than death, for in itself, death is merely an altered state of consciousness and the promise of a new, joyous and perfectly complete beginning.

But the definitive fate worse than death is the absence of God, in His trinitarian identities, in my life. An existence not graced by faith.

Take it from one who has been there, it can be hellish.

* Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body

Love never fails

I recently read the book Grasping Heaven, about the life of Dr. Tami Fisk, a missionary doctor.

She was one of the pioneering health professionals sent by MSI, Medical Services International, to China when the country reopened its door to foreign doctors in the 90s, to live and care for the Yi in the villages surrounding Zhaojue.

It is incredible how one individual can make a difference in the lives of so many, changing even the views of Chinese officials, thereby opening more doors for MSI, with her unfailing commitment to love, in just three short years.

Despite the difficulties and initial barriers (language notwithstanding) she faced, Tami's strong faith and conviction in God's will carried her through her stint in China as well as her subsequent battle with melanoma.

Tami was guided by the principle of love as laid down in 1 Corinthians 13 by Paul. This was important for her ministry, for in China, Tami's life was "cemented in flexibility".

Despite the frustrations of dealing with the ever-changing flow of events, she was able to retain her sense of humour and respond faithfully in love to whatever situation was presented to her on a daily basis.

Even when her world came crashing down around her with the advent of cancer, she remembered the example of another missionary doctor, who, when faced with a life-threatening situation, said yes to this question posed to her by Jesus:

"Can you trust me in this difficult situation, even if I never tell you why?"

Likewise, Tami said yes with courage. Before she died at age 39, she continued to trust implicitly in the words proclaimed in Jeremiah 29:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

The legacy left behind by Dr. Tami Fisk is profound and far-reaching. I am inspired and strengthened by her story.

While she was a woman who had the benefit of loving, godly parents and the ability to recognize her calling early on in life, and thereby spend most of her life preparing for it (just like Jesus) and living it in ministry briefly (again like Jesus), what about the rest of us who remain lost and clueless?

I think of A. whom I think rejected death to the end for she felt she still had things to accomplish. Unfinished business.

I think of my conversation with E. about how many of us know what is our true vocation in life? And how many of us waste many years before we get an inkling.

I think of brokenness in our lives that prevents many of us from realizing our true potential and being "fully alive".

I think of men and women hamstrung by their low self-worth and the lies that they have bought into, who go on to live lives "of quiet desperation".

Will such lives, ended, be in vain?

I'd like to think that no life is in vain. Every life has a purpose.

Even if the person chose to deny or was unable to find his/her purpose in life, grace can enter and make a life seemingly without value into one which is rich beyond human measure.

In sharing our thoughts about A.'s demise last night, we found that we were each given many gifts of insight and that A. enabled love to flow into our lives and work within the group to change each of us indelibly.

That is the nature of love. It works its magic, gently and patiently. Faithful. Never giving up. Always hoping. Enduring.

Whatever A. thought was unfinished business will, even in her death, progress to fruition, I have no doubt.

For love never fails.

Home free

Today I say goodbye to my sister, my friend,

A part of my life.

I weep for the loss, lamenting the pain

Of her great suffering.

Is there a reason? Tell me why, O Lord?

That this was her path,

Did it have to be so cruelly complicated,

Unendingly bleak?

How can a disease be so barbaric?

Leaving me dumbstruck

At its savage attack on her body.

My grief runs deep,

My horror too profound for words,

At cancer's creativity.

Today I am glad, relieved that "It is finished."

That she rests in God's arms,

Fully healed, united with our Maker,

Finally home free.

While I rejoice, my heart is funereal heavy, 

Now I begin to mourn.

Friday graces

Early this morning, A. finally went home to Jesus. She fought a brave battle but death ultimately prevailed.

I feel like I've lived a year in the last five weeks, from the day her condition took a turn for the worse on January 2nd.

It's been a real emotional rollercoaster, the scares and physical challenges: brain op - no brain op, chemo, 9/10 pain levels, throwing up, internal bleeding, bloating, low white blood cell count, dropping hair, a nose tube that reached right into the stomach to prevent vomiting, spike temperatures, dropping blood pressure, the debilitating fatigue, sinking into a coma...

The good days: the ability to eat, enjoy the food and not regurgitate it at all. This respite from the nausea and inability to eat lasted for just about one week.

The grim days: intense pain wrecking her body, the gauntness of gradual starvation, the failing body systems overrun by cancer, a truly horrific spectacle to witness.

Although I did not know A. for very long, or very well at all, the last five weeks have been a time of bonding, where she became the little sister I never had.

Someone I looked after with love, nourished with my cooking, advised gently, encouraged and coaxed.

I was her big sister who brought her treats, gave her massages, whom she looked up to and was comforted by. She appreciated all my gestures so sincerely that I was touched.

In turn, A. inspired me with her child-like sweetness and candour, her courage, fortitude, gratitude and generosity.

Of course she complained occasionally, and who wouldn't, but on the whole she was a superb patient - who accepted quietly the toll the disease took on her body.

Her especial gripe was the inability of doctors and nurses to find a vein for she had very fine veins and it would take many minutes and much pain before they could locate a vein to either take a blood sample or put in a drip.

After I once witnessed what they did to locate a vein, I understood why she kicked up such a fuss. It was painful to even watch.

A. dear, I love you, my sister in Christ, and I rejoice that you are no longer suffering for it caused me to grieve deeply to see your body breaking down and to see you wasting away.

I thank you for teaching me patience, gentleness, wisdom, how to love with compassion and empathy.

I will miss your smile, the way you looked at me with gratitude as I massaged you and the gift of girlish womanhood that you were.

I thank God for having given us Friday evenings to meet and share our lives over the last year. It has been a privilege and an honour.

Although you have departed, your spirit remains behind.

Rest well, little sister, until we meet again.

Twilight

No matter what you think or feel

you cannot hold back the inexorable onslaught

of my display of power

my mastery over your body

I invade and destroy what in you is healthy

I start out slow then explode

in a profusion of crazed, abnormal cells

Gleefully I multiply

Mutating in malignant forms and tumours

Screwing up your body systems

Causing pain and malfunction

in the wake of my deadly destruction

You will moan and mourn

Shriek and suffer

Cry and eventually die

I am your worst nightmare.

Conquer my body you may,

Giving me grief and existential angst.

Costing me a small fortune,

Creating chaos in my household

You may even decide the time I depart.

But you cannot control how I choose to leave,

Or what I do with my time remaining.

I can transform my suffering

Into something that redeems humanity,

My pain has the potential to save souls,

My despair the ability to give birth

To an experience of God's love

and the knowledge that my life

does not end even as my body decays.

For what awaits is infinitely better...

A sumptuous banquet in the house of the Lord

For eternity_

Ipsa scientia potestas est

Never have I fully appreciated the phrase Knowledge is Power* more than in the last month.

I first began daily updates on A.'s condition for I felt that the people who loved and cared for her would want to know how she was doing, and because 24 hours made a world of difference in her condition, a regular communique would help all to know what to pray for and how to support A. and her family as different issues cropped up.

In writing the updates, came a responsibility: to write with no embellishment of prejudice or sentiment, and to report the unvarnished facts and allow each individual to process the information accordingly. No easy task.

How much information would lead to information fatigue, or would be useful, or critical???

Then I went away for a week and in that time, I hungered for information on A. I was grateful when I received a phone text update and it served as a reminder to keep A. in prayer. On days I did not receive any news, I was frustrated yet relieved, for I knew that no news is good news.

Upon my return this week, I found a new dimension of Knowledge is Power waiting, like a stealthy cat about to pounce on a hapless mouse. Information withheld, or distorted - done out of love perhaps, but it created a jumble of strong emotions and questions within me.

How do I act based on this new dynamic of information? What are the best interests of the parties involved? Where are my boundaries of responsibility?

The Rotarians' Four-Way Test came unbidden to my mind (spoken in my father's voice for he was fond of quoting it, the passionate Rotarian that he was) :

1. Is it the truth
2. Is it fair to all concerned?
3. Will it build goodwill and better friendships?
4. Will it be beneficial to all concerned?

I also sought counsel from people I knew were wise, mature and godly, who faced far more difficult situations than the one at hand.

Ultimately, I realized, as in any quandary I find myself, that it is in seeking the Father's will that leads to clarity. Putting aside my personal outrage and umbrage and letting the Spirit lead.

With my gaze trained on True North, the next challenge arose.

Knowledge of what disease can do to debilitate the body to such an extent that I am revolted and horrified.

Every cell in my body cries out at such indignity waged on the human body.

My soul weeps at such suffering.

I grasp desperately for meaning in such suffering.

Why? When will this end?

I can only, at this moment, rely on the grace of faith to steer me forth, as I navigate the oppressive and suffocating waters of darkest despair and sorrow.


* Ipsa scientia potestas est, "for also knowledge itself is power", comes from Francis Bacon's Meditationes Sacrae and implies that with knowledge, one's potential or abilities in life will increase. Knowledge, or the withholding of it, can be used to one's advantage, and is therefore power. Bacon was possibly paraphrasing Proverbs 24:5 "A wise man has great power, and a man of knowledge increases strength." Read more from my source: http://en.wikipedia.org./wiki/Knowledge_is_Power

Mother-daughter time

I’ve just spent the better part of last week in Bali and had a relaxing fun time. I got to show my Mum around (she’s never been while I’ve been several times), taking her to places I’d been before, and to places that we’d both never been before like the lush green padi fields around Candi Dasa and the water palace of Tirta Gangga.

We were both very impressed with the sight of ancient frangipani trees in Tenganan and the gorgeous sunsets by the sea (one of our drivers/guides was quite frustrated with what we thought interesting for we rejected most of his suggestions and wanted to do our own thing).

What struck me most about this trip was the kindness of strangers, the warm hospitality of the Balinese, minus a few dodgy characters. I was totally charmed by the sweetness and friendliness of almost everyone I met.  

While I did not have much time for structured prayer as Mum and I shared a room and we were on the go for pretty much of the time, I tried to practise the presence of Jesus by being patient and kind, first to my mother and then to those that we met.

I am glad to say I succeeded largely (at least I think so : P)and I was conscious throughout our days there of the blessings of good weather, beautiful sights, wonderful sunsets, delicious meals, safe drivers and God’s protection over the two of us wherever we went (I had a few near-misses with motorcyclists).

It was also a time of healing and escape for me – from prior physical exhaustion, the weight of responsibility and ghosts from my past. 

I also liked that I got to take Mum on a vacation she always wanted and one that she enjoyed very much (I hope). 

Having just gone through a month filled with hospital visits to see A. and even witnessing the passing of two of her room-mates (in real time), I am cognizant of the limited time we are each given on this earth, especially my ageing mother’s, who currently, thank God, is in good health.

Therefore I am resolved to not let the busyness of my life derail me from the things that are important in life, like vacations! 

Seriously, one of my deepest desires is to make my mother’s life as comfortable and as enjoyable as possible for it is not only my way of showing her love but also my way of loving and honouring my deceased father, who wanted the best for my mother from the day he married her.  

So it’s nice to be able to fulfil Dad’s promise to Mum and also to thank her, in my own small way, for conceiving and carrying me for nine months, for giving me life, and for bringing me up to love patiently and unconditionally.

May we continue to have as much fun in our everyday living as we did in Bali.

Lamenting into praise

Last night we (W2W Ministry) were very privileged to have Fr. Martin Cilia* speak to us on dying and saying goodbye.

Fr. Martin, who is en route from Malta to the Philippines with Br. Clinton, one of his seminarians, consented to take time off to share with us and help us journey with A. in the coming weeks.

He quickly outlined the process a dying person goes through (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and what we, as companions on the dying person's journey, can do.

Listen. Be present. Move with the person through the different stages as they move from one to another.

This means not lying to the person (no sugar-coating of the truth), nor forcing the person to face the truth before he or she is ready.

Avoid mouthing cliches or platitudes for want of something to say.

Instead empathetic silence will serve best if at a loss on how to validate the person's negative emotions.

He also emphasized the importance of touch, for it is a language that can speak more powerfully than words.

Depending on the closeness of the relationship, there are five essential messages that should be conveyed:

1. Will you forgive me?
2. I will forgive you.
3. Thank you.
4. I will miss you.
5. I love you.

These messages will also assist us to let the person go (which may be vital for them to let go themselves), and allow closure to happen.

In dealing with the situation ourselves, Fr. Martin encouraged us to ask the question WHY?

To examine our own feelings and what is happening inside of us (as the dying person would be asking the same question).

Only by questioning can we colour the experience of suffering with meaning.

Only by questioning can we lament (and pray) in order to move into true praise and worship.

The significance of lamentation was highlighted by Fr. Martin. Not only is there a Book of Lamentations in the Old Testament, but the Psalms are littered with lament and praise of a suffering people.

Lamenting allows us to get in touch with reality, and ultimately leads us to seeing God's presence in our lives and know that that in itself is our biggest blessing as we "walk through the valley of darkness" (Psalm 23).

The story of Job is also one which takes us through Job's great suffering and how his constant faith eventually allows him to see and hear God in his life and to offer Him praise.

Job also challenges the simplistic concept of how good things in life mean blessing and bad mean punishment.

This is vital for us to be able to see our suffering not as punishment but to ask questions and search for meaning that then enables us to see the blessings that surround suffering and to know that God is there with us, loving us.

Even Jesus himself asked the heartwrenching question from Psalm 22 as He experienced pure desolation, " Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani" ("My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"), and through the four Gospels we see that Jesus was never afraid to ask questions in life, or to experience suffering and to be greatly afraid of dying.

As we all know, Jesus did feel God's presence with Him in the last moment of death as He committed His spirit into His Father's hands.

So we must be present with the person who questions and laments, allowing our love to support the person and help them see a true image of God, a God who is present, loving** and suffering, in our midst.

We are not called to find all the answers or solve all the problems but to do our part by being there in love.

Fr. Martin stressed the importance of ritual (i.e. the ability to bring a sense of sacredness and imbue certain actions with meaning) and when we feel helpless, to pray for the person and then to transform our prayer into presence.

After speaking at length on what we should expect so as to be able to deal with the grief of loss to come, Fr. Martin closed the session with a powerful question for us to reflect on:

How is A. who is God's word, speaking to us now and how should we respond to the holiness of this current journey?

* Fr. Martin was the priest who celebrated mass and taught me for one week during the three-week Pastoral Counselling School in Bangalore, India in 2003. His wisdom, giftedness and ability to see the sacred in beauty around him opened my eyes to a new world of creative possibilities. So it was with great pleasure that I welcomed him to Singapore this week and delighted in showing him around.

** In John 13:1, "he loved them to the end", Jesus is our Saviour who could not love us more and therefore took on our suffering upon Himself as a supreme act of love. What greater love can there be than the laying down of His life for us?

Personal best

When I was a young girl, I was laughed at for crying at sad movies and for being too soft. So I spent years covering up this weakness for real women do not cry, at least they don't, in my family.

It is only in recent years, that having been unbound from the burial clothes after coming to life as Lazarus did, that I have come to appreciate the gift of my "bleeding heart", as I call it, this ability to feel the pain of the other and make it my own.

This empathy, coupled with compassion, impels me to reach out and lend a helping hand as well as understand the perceived negative actions of others in order to be more forgiving.

Embracing my bleeding heart has a price. For oftentimes I invest too much psychic, emotional and physical energy into someone's problem that I am completely tapped out.

Even in exercising my gifts I must be judicious and moderate.

I have come to realize that I tend to get a little messianic in my efforts as I immerse myself in the issue or situation at hand. But that is not my calling. I am not the Messiah who has already come and saved the world.

Instead, I am only a disciple of Christ, created in His image and likeness, and I am called to follow Him wherever He leads me and to do as His Spirit prompts.

This means not letting my ego come into play and ultimately seeking my own glory and not His. Not an easy thing to do.

In seeking His glory, I must cooperate and stand back quite frequently to give God space to be creative as well - and He never fails to dazzle me with His powerful creativity.

While I am to give my personal best at all times, I must never make it personal. So I ask for wisdom to know how to give and when to let go and let God so that everything I do is motivated by one thing only.

Ad majorem dei gloriam.

Desert spectacular

I have really hit the ground running this new year. It's been not only busy, physically stretching, but emotionally exhausting.

One of my sisters from the W2W Ministry has stage IV cancer and is currently staying in hospital as she was throwing up and could not eat as 2010 came into being.

This week she underwent last ditch, three-day chemotherapy.

Although it is now three days after the treatment, she is still suffering from a piercing and persistent pain in her left kneecap, on top of the nausea and inability to eat much.

As with my father's last days, I feel helpless in the face of such suffering, and hope that what I do does offer some solace and comfort.

Despite the difficult circumstances, it's been heartening to see how an informal network of women come together to act in love. And how a community can grow stronger bonds (as D. observed) when one of their kind is in distress.

It is as Eleanor Roosevelt said, ""A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."

The hot water of A.'s illness has brewed a wonderful decoction of flavours as each woman releases her unique brand of strength.










It's been lovely to recognize how each woman's singular gifts blossom as she reaches out in love to A. and her family, bringing a special grace to the situation and drawing A.'s family closer in crisis.

There is so much I have learned just watching each woman in action. Plus, I've gotten to know A.'s good friend D. who is a gem of a woman.

What a beautiful garden love can create, even in the desert of disease and impending death.

Perfect timing

I was chatting with a dear friend S. who lives in Hong Kong just last week and the conversation inevitably turned to love, the search for and the lack of good men and good relationships thereof.

It was difficult for me to explain to S. that despite my desire for marriage, I was happy to follow God's lead in life and that the love of one man whose physical form is not easily recognizable was sufficient for me not to fret about my singlehood.

Is there a perfect man and lover? More and more as I journey in life I can say yes with conviction. For I have experienced the presence of such a man in my life, and I continue to, every day.

It's a relationship that is exciting for although Spirit, He manifests His presence in different ways and through different people. I just need to be open to how He chooses to show up.

In real and tangible terms, my financial needs have been taken care of from the moment I decided to live life according to God's plan for me.

He is always there when I am down, propping me up with unconditional love. I have a kind listening ear when I need one and the wisdom of His good counsel.

I have been kept safe and protected against evil when opting to live my life adhering to standards most of the world dismisses.

Best of all, He has sent so many people into my life to show me how much He loves me. Family and friends, even perfect strangers, have been loving and caring beyond my imagination.

I could go on and on... and at the same time, I am without words when it comes to describing the great love He demonstrates towards me on a daily basis.

I wish I could make S. understand that the yearning every woman (and every man) has for someone to love her (him) was put there by God and hence can only be filled by God in a way that brings fulfillment and consolation that comes not from material things, things of the world, or people.

Ultimately the encounter with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit is a felt and personal experience so I can only pray that S. will one day "meet Jesus" and finally understand what I have been rabbiting on about for years.

In His time, all will be beautiful , and perfect.

Action through contemplation

Welcome 2010! I had an amazing start to the new year and I hope it portends well for the rest of the year.

I was able to begin the day  with morning mass to celebrate the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. It was not only an affirmation of womanhood, for the Saviour needed to be "born of a woman" into this world, but a good reminder to be like Mary who kept things she did not understand  in her heart and pondered on them continually.

I know that 2010 is a year of action for me (I certainly hope it will be) for I, myself, am tired of my own hesitation and procrastination and hope that the new year will bring renewed faith in God and myself in order to give birth to desires that have been gestating within me for a while now.

Given that I am set for an action-packed year, I need to ensure I keep sane, centred and always pointing towards True North. So I renew my commitment to set aside time to spend in prayer and keep the communication lines wide open.

As I began the day in prayer, I also ended it in prayer.

The W2W ministry gathered to celebrate the day in more feasting (as if Christmas wasn't enough), praising God in song and thereafter praying for each other. What a time of great blessing for all who gathered.

As for the words of wisdom that were given to me, I will continue to ponder and allow them to take full-blown shape in my life, bringing joy and comfort to many.

By His will. Not mine.

Philia kind

Just two days ago, an old boyfriend flew into town and we met over lunch, followed by dinner before he headed home on a jet plane.

We had a very good time just hanging out and catching up on each other's lives. He was as I remembered, funny, intelligent, engaging, gentlemanly, someone I once contemplated marriage with and a man I still love dearly.

As the conversation flowed, the years disappeared, and we waltzed away an evening of shared histories, wonderful memories and a gentle, mutual affection for each other.

While my heart ached a little as the evening came to an end, for beauty always makes me weep and the evening was hauntingly perfect, I was mainly grateful that I am no longer the woman he once knew - co-dependent, needy and lacking in self-esteem.

Instead, the experience of being loved unconditionally and so generously over the last six years has transformed me into a woman who is confident, sure and comfortable in her own skin, mostly at peace with herself and the world.

Andrew Comisky writes in his book Strength in Weakness that "the freedom to be for another requires security in one's personal identity as male or female".

He offers a Biblical understanding of what it is to be created man and woman which confirmed for me what I had always thought of as my own personal neurosis. Now I know it's just my own 'womanly' tendencies.

In understanding my "more developed relational sensibilities" as woman and the inclination to a "desire" (Genesis 3:16) that Comisky describes as "inordinate desire, an exclusive possessive yearning for the man", I can see why I had previously made 'the man in my life' my entire world and was consequently a slave to my emotional attachment.

It has taken four years of singlehood, time well spent in discovering who, how, what and why I am, and a process that has allowed me to become secure in an identity forged in truth and freedom, bringing balance to who I am as woman.

As I grow into my "true self" I am able to relate to others, especially of the opposite sex, in ways more multi-dimensional and varied than previously. I am able to engage in healthy and affirming friendships with men.
 
Even as I recognize that I will always love PCT for what we had, the eros type of love I had for him has become a philia kind of love and I am now free to love him for who he is, an old and dear friend, nothing more or less. Much kinder to my heart.

After dinner, I came home to the one man who made it all possible - my main man, JC.

And I thank God for that.

Christmas blessing

What are your blessings this Christmas? This question has been uppermost in my mind since I returned from the Philippines last Sunday.

Perhaps it's the physical fatigue (did not get enough sleep abroad) but I've been feeling lackadaisical this entire Christmas week.

Yes, it was great meeting up with friends and having the opportunity to catch up, eat some yummy food but I just couldn't get into the whole spirit of Christmas thing. I am just glad I had already done my all Christmas shopping for I did not have the energy to contend with crowds or the shopping frenzy.

And then Christmas came.

This is season we celebrate the birth of our Saviour King, when Word became flesh. I am not sure if this is a truth I have understood in all its profundity. However, this year, I think I may be closer to the truth and because of that, I have been experiencing a real melange of emotions.

While I am grateful and thankful for where I am today, and for this wonderfully rich relationship I have with Jesus, this same relationship demands more of me than perhaps I am ready for?

To be the hands and feet of our Saviour, to allow Him to be born in me requires me to go with the movements of my heart which can be taxing emotionally.

I returned home from the Philippines energized for having attempted to show the face of love to those who were marginalized and yet at the same time, I have been emotionally zapped out from witnessing the despair and bleakness of those living in squalor.

How can I possibly indulge myself when there are so many who go to bed hungry with no hope of a great tomorrow?

What kind of change can my puny efforts over a couple of days effect? Even if I were to be a true missionary as those I lived in community with for those few days in Philippines, what can I truly do?

It wasn't until today that I realized allowing Christ to be born in me also means giving Him room to perform miracles that I could not humanly imagine or conceive.

That all that is required of me is to keep the faith (by being a good steward and faithful servant), continue to pray for grace and to let Him lead me every step of the way.

And so I rejoice that God has given us His only son because He so loved us and that this newborn babe will save the world in His own inimitable style.

My true blessing this Christmas is to know I should dream the impossible dream for He has already shown me in so many ways how the impossible can come to pass.

Veníte adoremus Dóminum

Birthing Christ

I just spent the last week singing carols (yes, even in Tagalog) and delivering Christmas hampers to the poor living in Montalban, Philippines.

ICPE Philippines*, a Catholic lay missionary organization, organizes a reverse carolling outreach to the people living near the dumpsite in Montalban every year.

In its third year, the reverse carolling intiative sees teams of volunteers fanning the area, visiting the poor families living there to sing Christmas carols, praying with them and giving each family a Christmas hamper filled with goodies that will enable them to have a special meal during Christmas as well as provide them with some basic necessities.

This year, ICPE organized three outreaches on December 16th, 17th and 19th with the latter involving their Balikatan Ministry which comprises members of the community living in the area neighbouring the dumpsite. Some 300 hampers were given out over the three-day period.

While there were many takeaways from the entire experience - the resilience of the people, joy that can exist even in the grimmest of circumstances, the hunger for love that can be satisfied in giving to others, how beauty is a universal language, the importance of good health and what a gift from God children are - the thing that struck me most was the power of a smile.
 
The profound gratitude of the families I visited really moved me for despite the inability to communicate with them, just by smiling at them and trying my best to exude empathy and compassion evoked a response that said, "Welcome and thank you for visiting me. I am so happy you are here, listening to me and acknowledging my existence".

I was humbled and awed in turn by the ability to recognize Christ's presence in the other, who in turn recognized Christ in me.

It was as Mother Teresa said, "Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing".

In the act of a smile given, and a smile received and returned, each moment was a blessing for both the giver and the recipient. Sacred. Priceless.

While the poverty I saw around me made me weep, I was reminded to do what I can and to offer the rest up to God.

He who takes care of every living creature will take care of those I met over the three days of outreach.

I return home grateful for all that I have, and for the opportunity to make this Advent meaningful, allowing Emmanuel to be born again in the world.

* To read more about ICPE Philippines, go to http://www.icpe.org/icpe-philippines.php

Loving parents

A child is a precious gift and parents, both father and mother, cherish and care for the child with a tender, unconditional love on a daily basis.

In an ideal world, that would be how parental love is, however, we live in the real world and in the real world, parents are not perfect people but probably broken or dysfunctional individuals who have been hurt, deprived, manipulated, lied to and abused.

They were once children who either did not experience a life-giving love or perceive that they were loved in a nurturing fashion by parents and significant others.

And so they are now adults who try their best as parents, but often fall short, and in a very human way, foster relationships with their own children that are filled with tension, resentment and laden with baggage of past hurts.

It is therefore no surprise that we are reminded by God in the Decalogue to "Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you."

That it is the first commandment that advises on behaviour to others, apart from God, is significant.

The CCC* states that we should honour our parents as it is to them "whom we owe life and who have handed on to us the knowledge of God". It also states that:

"The fourth commandment is addressed expressly to children in their relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between members of the extended family. It requires honour, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens to their country, and to those who administer or govern it.

"This commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons." (2199)

So what are the rewards of observing the fourth commandment?

The CCC says "spiritual fruits, temporal fruits of peace and prosperity", otherwise it "brings great harm to communities and to individuals".

Now those of us who have had bad childhood experiences and still continue to have rocky relationships with our parents may struggle to keep this commandment.

However, if we have an experience of God's love and believe in Him, then we are obliged to try and find a way to fulfil this commandment for this is one of the first and very basic ways we are able to express our love for God.

So how do we accomplish this nigh impossible feat of honouring and loving our parents when they can drive us up the wall and round the bend with just a few choice words?

We must first come to terms with the past. To invite Jesus to be there with us when we revisit painful and hurtful memories, and to release those bad times to Him and ask for a healing of those memories.

As P. brought up last Friday evening, empathy is a great tool in the healing process.

We may never understand fully why our parents did what they did to us as children, or continue to behave in ways that still can be life-destroying, but we can try to be open to who they are as people, to walk a mile in their shoes and then perhaps get a glimmer of understanding of what it means to be them.

I harboured great anger towards my father for a very long time but realized that it was me that I was hurting ultimately. So I came to a decision to let go of the anger and to live my life in a more positive way.

The first realization I arrived at was that I had to accept my father was who he was and that I could never change him as a person. (In other words, I had to love him unconditionally.)

Instead I needed to change how I looked at him, not through the eyes of a hurt child, but through the eyes of an understanding adult who saw him as another human being who had been hurt and disappointed many times in his life, and who did not judge him.

Even though that made a huge difference to our relationship and we both came to know that we loved each other dearly, the relationship was not one that was ever easy or light. But it was one filled with patience, forgiveness, caring, understanding, compassion and fidelity.

The flip side of a "difficult' relationship is that loving such a person ultimately makes you a better person for you are called to draw on the reserves of grace that love (that is a choice and not an emotion) engenders.

I just finished a fab book by Gary Chapman called Love as a Way of  Life and I found it very insightful.

He enumerates the ways we can express love to make it a "successful" experience: kindness, patience, forgiveness, courtesy, humility, generosity and honesty.

If we are able to give love in the way we would like to receive love, an authentic, selfless, self-giving love, then we will indeed live long in the land that God has given us - one filled with peace and a prosperity that is beyond measure.

In this season of Advent, there is no better time to practise the fourth commandment so try honouring your father and your mother today.

* Catechism of the Catholic Church

Reality Project Desire

I have the December blues. It's an awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach for I have run out of time to accomplish the goals I set out to this calendar year due to my own poor time management and lack of discipline.

Yes it's the time of year to sit back (amidst the crazy Christmas prepping) and reflect on how my life has shaped up over the past 12 months.

And yet, there is much that I have accomplished. I give thanks for I am been largely successful in giving back to those around me (in small and big ways, planned and spontaneous) and I have matured both spiritually and emotionally.

I am especially gratified that I have let go of certain notions that have been embedded in my psyche for so many years and I now have a new way of looking at the world. And armed with John Powell's vision therapy, I hope to battle my distortions into pale images that I can see through to the underlying truth.

In the meantime, new goals have popped up on the horizon, while new ideas are brewing, and new desires have been planted in the depths of my being -all of which I have yet to find time to mull over and discern what I am to do with it.

As with any new idea or desire, I want to see it happen instantly. I want to already see the fruition of its alluring potential. I want to drop everything in order to take flight.

A visit to my SD three days back has helped give me some perspective.

After sharing with him my failings and my desires, he said to me three words: Reality. Project. Desire.

He then proceeded to elaborate, "Deal with the reality (of unfinished goals by completing them), then embark on the project (that I have already pondered over for a long while now and need to execute) and sit with the desire (until it becomes clearer)."

I thought it was a fantastic pragmatic approach to life that bore repeating, hence this entry.

He then offered three more words to allay my fears: Confidence, peace and hope.

If my talents are God-given, then I should be confident that when I use them it will be a furtherance of my vocation, and in the act I will find the peace of doing what I am created to do and the hope of breathing life into God's possibilities.

When I shared with him my sense of what this Advent means to me - being pregnant, to be filled with new life and waiting eagerly for its arrival -  he gave me one final sentence that baby Jesus is saying to each of us during this special season:

"I need you to be born again for the world."

The expression of Christ's birth can only be made real through our thoughts and actions.

So what are you doing this Christmas to make it a worthwhile reality?