Fr. Martin, who is en route from Malta to the Philippines with Br. Clinton, one of his seminarians, consented to take time off to share with us and help us journey with A. in the coming weeks.
He quickly outlined the process a dying person goes through (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and what we, as companions on the dying person's journey, can do.
Listen. Be present. Move with the person through the different stages as they move from one to another.
This means not lying to the person (no sugar-coating of the truth), nor forcing the person to face the truth before he or she is ready.
Avoid mouthing cliches or platitudes for want of something to say.
Instead empathetic silence will serve best if at a loss on how to validate the person's negative emotions.
He also emphasized the importance of touch, for it is a language that can speak more powerfully than words.
Depending on the closeness of the relationship, there are five essential messages that should be conveyed:
1. Will you forgive me?
2. I will forgive you.
3. Thank you.
4. I will miss you.
5. I love you.
These messages will also assist us to let the person go (which may be vital for them to let go themselves), and allow closure to happen.
In dealing with the situation ourselves, Fr. Martin encouraged us to ask the question WHY?
To examine our own feelings and what is happening inside of us (as the dying person would be asking the same question).
Only by questioning can we colour the experience of suffering with meaning.
Only by questioning can we lament (and pray) in order to move into true praise and worship.
The significance of lamentation was highlighted by Fr. Martin. Not only is there a Book of Lamentations in the Old Testament, but the Psalms are littered with lament and praise of a suffering people.
Lamenting allows us to get in touch with reality, and ultimately leads us to seeing God's presence in our lives and know that that in itself is our biggest blessing as we "walk through the valley of darkness" (Psalm 23).
The story of Job is also one which takes us through Job's great suffering and how his constant faith eventually allows him to see and hear God in his life and to offer Him praise.
Job also challenges the simplistic concept of how good things in life mean blessing and bad mean punishment.
This is vital for us to be able to see our suffering not as punishment but to ask questions and search for meaning that then enables us to see the blessings that surround suffering and to know that God is there with us, loving us.
Even Jesus himself asked the heartwrenching question from Psalm 22 as He experienced pure desolation, " Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani" ("My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"), and through the four Gospels we see that Jesus was never afraid to ask questions in life, or to experience suffering and to be greatly afraid of dying.
As we all know, Jesus did feel God's presence with Him in the last moment of death as He committed His spirit into His Father's hands.
So we must be present with the person who questions and laments, allowing our love to support the person and help them see a true image of God, a God who is present, loving** and suffering, in our midst.
We are not called to find all the answers or solve all the problems but to do our part by being there in love.
Fr. Martin stressed the importance of ritual (i.e. the ability to bring a sense of sacredness and imbue certain actions with meaning) and when we feel helpless, to pray for the person and then to transform our prayer into presence.
After speaking at length on what we should expect so as to be able to deal with the grief of loss to come, Fr. Martin closed the session with a powerful question for us to reflect on:
How is A. who is God's word, speaking to us now and how should we respond to the holiness of this current journey?
* Fr. Martin was the priest who celebrated mass and taught me for one week during the three-week Pastoral Counselling School in Bangalore, India in 2003. His wisdom, giftedness and ability to see the sacred in beauty around him opened my eyes to a new world of creative possibilities. So it was with great pleasure that I welcomed him to Singapore this week and delighted in showing him around.
** In John 13:1, "he loved them to the end", Jesus is our Saviour who could not love us more and therefore took on our suffering upon Himself as a supreme act of love. What greater love can there be than the laying down of His life for us?
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