Desire for prosperity

It feels slightly strange to celebrate the Lunar New Year in a new home so the constant of the food tasting the same is very comforting to me. By replicating the tastes and smells of my childhood, I can bring alive memories of New Years past, and the presence of loved ones no longer here. So I still insist on cooking the dishes I grew up eating even though they require a lot of prep work and seem too much trouble at times.

LNY is the time of year that I miss my Father and Grandmother the most for the traditions of the season were most honoured by them, traditions that speak of family unity, filial piety and new beginnings. The Lunar New Year is about harmony, hope, rebirth, and second chances; it is about celebrating life. Although there was tremendous joy in gathering around the dining table with familiar faces of family and friends, together with P, to eat, drink, chat and laugh, there was a wistfulness, a sense of longing within me for things to stay the same, especially because my universe has changed so much and I am struggling to finding an inner equilibrium with the added roles I have taken on.

I also felt sad this year for the first day happened to fall on J's birthday. I remember taking him to lunch just last year, and now he is no longer with us. While I grieve the loss still, I managed to give thanks to God for having known and loved J for 48 wonderful years. They were blessed years filled with lots of shared laughter and tears, plus, I know we will meet again, so that is the promise I hold on to tightly.

The usual thing we wish people during this time of year is prosperity in the new year. I was reflecting on what prosperity means for me for I have learnt that true wealth lies in nurturing meaningful relationships and exercising my ability to help others. I do not want for anything, especially since in recent months my life has been enriched by a caring and sweet man.

I can only think to ask the Lord for great wealth in being poor in spirit this Lunar New Year, for a complete and sustained dependency on Him for everything is the only way I can be a good wife to P, a filial daughter to the Father, as well as a gift to family, friends and others, without losing my mojo, and my very own precious identity. 

Love note

She asked me 
What I liked about you 
Why I loved you? 
How do I quantify 
Or begin to describe 
What I feel inside:
The flutters of like that rise,
Sighing sweetly,
To the goodness of you.
Swells of affection 
Rolling into your ocean 
Of Marian blue.
Deep calling unto deep.
Bubbly girl to sunny boy.
We traipse the fields 
Of green and gold,
Spinning tales 
Effervescent, full of joy, 
Sprinkled with mirth 
Like a child's first giggles
While wonder and gratitude
Dog our every step.
He delights in our beings,
Our wedded togetherness
We are a party of three.
As we dance in unison
Mother Mary smiles,
We were meant to be
A fundamental truth
She made certain we knew 
What's best for last
To last forever
If we centre on Christ
Every single day
In faith, hope and love.
The flowers given 
by the Holy Family 
Will bloom profusely 
Enveloping all 
In their fragrance
Bringing Cana to life.

Adjustment period

P and I have been married exactly one

month today. In some ways it feels like forever, in a good way, even though I am still adjusting to living in his home, especially sharing a room, something I have not done since I left college.

A number of friends have already asked me this question, how is married life? In a word, it is good, although my true answer to the question is it just is. There are bad experiences mixed in with the good, but one does not measure marriage by the sum total of good things versus bad things. One appreciates the good, and deals with the bad to make it more palatable.

Marriage, the bonding of two souls, two lives, is complex and profound for although each person brings into the marriage all the other's relationships and ties, past experiences, baggage, individual perceptions, preferences, and expectations, the intentional melding of individual differences in the fire of self-giving sacrifice can give rise to a harmonious union that creates a positive and powerful force field around the couple and other family members.

There will always be the need for clarification for there will always be certain miscommunication, misunderstanding, disappointment, and hurt feelings. We move through a range of positive and negative emotions through time, and there is even an ebb and flow in affection. But as long as there is respect and openness, there will be room to rethink, adjust and discover new rhythms.

The state of my married life cannot be based on my affective state, but always on my conscious decision to commit wholly to P (and he to me), and this means we are committed to a lifetime of love and fidelity, putting each other first, serving the other as best we can, day in, and day out.

I do not look to P for my happiness or fulfilment, rather I am always asking myself how can I make him happy in a way that would also help him be enriched and whole. I am still learning, and adjusting. This is not about being subservient or codependent, but seeing with Mary's eyes (who was aligned completely to the Father's will) what needs to be done, and acting to bring about a good outcome, enjoyed by everyone. It's the Cana thing again.

I admit, it can be tiring, and a little daunting at times, and I fumble and stumble, but resting on my identity as child of God helps me tremendously in living out my marital commitments for when I feel exhausted, stressed out, unloved or unappreciated, I turn to Jesus, and He gives me the strength and energy to keep behaving like a beloved child of God who does not need to seek external validation.

This allows me to channel the joy of Cana, and to keep turning the mundane, even undesired water into robust, uplifting wine. I can remain joyful even when my body is crying out for more sleep and all I want to do is snap at anyone who crosses my path.

My days and weeks will continue to be intense as I try to find the balance, but as P shared with our Bible-sharing friends, we laugh together a lot, and we have kept up the practices of our courtship (of daily mass and devotion) which give heart to the relationship. So married life is sweet, despite the lack of sleep and irksome allergies.

Transforming water into wine

Last Saturday, the Gospel reading was from John, it was the wedding at Cana, which was our wedding Gospel reading. The main reason why we chose this Scriptural passage was because Mother Mary features as one of the key protagonists, apart from Jesus himself. Also, this mystery, the Second Luminous Mystery, is one of the signs we received as confirmation that we consider marriage so wedding at Cana is a very special Word for us. Father Antony reminded us yet again, last Saturday, why this Gospel is rich.

First, it features an unusual way for the Saviour to begin His ministry of redeeming the world. Instead of a significant event that would have caught everyone's attention, Jesus chose to manifest His divinity in a very domestic and loving way, and all because He wanted to please His mother, who was attempting to save a bridal couple from the embarrassment of having run out of wine at their wedding feast.

Mary, on the other hand, besides displaying a sensitivity to others' needs, is also full of faith and respectful of Her son. She wisely does not insist when He says the timing is not right, giving Him the necessary space to do what's right by instructing the servants to do whatever He tells them.

That Jesus did accede to His mother's wishes tells me that He listens to her, like a good son (hence making Mary a powerful mediatrix for us), and He also wants us to experience joy in our lives. He wants to transform life-giving water into something more delicious, and with a pleasurable kick in it. This extra something is sonship. As children of God, we can see him face to face, we can be familiar, intimate, completely reliant on Him for support when we need it. We actually do not need to worry so much in life even when beset with problems for He provides all the answers and takes care of us ultimately.

The antiphon after Communion from John chapter one echoes this gift of Cana: For all who would accept him, He gave them the power to be children of God.

The power is the gift of dignity, made in the image and likeness of the Father Himself, that engenders the ability to manage adversity, rejection, and suffering without breaking, or losing one's integrity, meeting hardship with the grace of unsinkable joy, lively hope, and unending love.

When we embody the dignity of who we are, and channel it correctly and appropriately, we communicate and perpetuate Epiphany to all we meet, that is, the physical manifestation of Christ living among us - and we sow healing, and revelatory life-changing experiences wherever we go. We are light bearers who emit a gentle and warm glow in a cold, hostile world, attracting people to Jesus.

The transformation of water into wine in quiet and discreet gestures also speaks of humility and selflessness; Christ, and His mother's, self-effacing yet most effective way of touching hearts and changing minds. Perhaps the best efforts of ours come when we strive to act out of divine love, continuing to be humble and self-giving, and leaving the rest to the Master Winemaker so that others can enjoy the bouquets and tastes enough to want a second glass, and another.  

Holy Year

The one thing that emerges from 2016 is the need for sanctity. No matter what the vicissitudes or triumphs of life may be, my sanity and humility have maintained a fair balance only through the ability to turn to Jesus for counsel, comfort and thanksgiving.

Banal as it may sound, prayer works. I have experienced how prayer helps take the edge off soul-searing grief, gives one the inner voice of clarity and good sense in times of chaos and confusion, and heightens the pleasure of living in a God moment through the continuum of time.

By keeping my consciousness attuned to my Maker, I have been able to make choices that bear the mark of His wisdom and courage. Otherwise, I would have lacked the compassion to forgive those who have hurt me; I would have allowed grief to turn me into a coward who refuses to love with all my heart; and most of all, I would not have had the heart to enter into marriage.

I like this reflection I read from Laudate a couple of days back about the Presentation at the Temple where when Simeon blesses Mary and Joseph, he prophesies how Mary would suffer for the love of her child.

The reflection goes on to talk about the paradox for those blessed by the Lord. Mary was given the blessedness of being the mother of the Son of God. That blessedness also would become a sword which pierced her heart as her Son died upon the cross. She received both a crown of joy and a cross of sorrow. But her joy was not diminished by her sorrow because it was fueled by her faith, hope, and trust in God and his promises. Jesus promised his disciples that "no one will take your joy from you" (John 16:22). The Lord gives us a supernatural joy which enables us to bear any sorrow or pain and which neither life nor death can take away.  

I know I have been blessed very much, just as Mary was blessed. And my ability to continue to have faith, hope and trust in God's promises like she did, especially when the going is tough and life is bleak comes from trying to be holy, just as she was. While I cannot say I have been totally consistent all 365 days of 2016, I have definitely experienced the supernatural joy the writer talks about, even in sorrow. So whatever comes my way in 2017, I know I can face it and not be defeated.

My hope for the new year is that I will keep growing in holiness, and my wish for the world is that we will all walk in step with each other with clean hands and pure hearts. May we seek to be sanctified without becoming sanctimonious, and to be co-workers in the vineyard of the Lord. 

Mystery beauteous

The hardest part about marriage is leaving my mother behind. I always thought we would live together, even in the event of my ever getting married. Best laid plans of mice and women, sadly.

When my father passed away 13 years ago, it became my mission in life to see my mother happy and fulfilled in her remaining years on earth. Her marriage was not an easy one but she was the good wife to the end. She has always done the right thing in her life, and I wanted to do the right thing by her, bringing love and laughter into her life.

These past years have been such a blessing for me for living with my mother has brought me such joy. We are thick as thieves. And we share a common love of flora and fauna. Gardens bring us both much joy, and nothing like shared joy to create a deep bond. We've spent hours, over the years, visiting gardens near and far, enjoying their serene beauty.

But more than all that, no one else loves me unconditionally like she does. No one gets me like she does. No one cares for me as she does. She is my confidant, my biggest champion, my best friend - she is simply, my mother.

My friends always remark I am a good daughter. In truth, she makes it easy for me to be a good daughter for she is a good mother, undemanding, and accepting of all my weaknesses, loving me even when I am my ugliest.

As I journey home to Singapore tomorrow, it is with some measure of sadness I feel that I will return to a new home where she does not reside. And yet, I am also looking forward to spending my life with P.

The Nativity resonates with great poignancy for me this year. The emotions I feel must mirror what Mary and Joseph must have felt - joy at their son's arrival, but mixed in with the joy is also great discomfort at giving birth amidst livestock, far from home; fear, wondering what the future holds for this precious, new life; sadness, at such less than ideal circumstances of birth; and awe, at the choirs of angels singing, joined by the shepherds who came to pay homage.

Perhaps the stained glass windows in Saint Mary's Cathedral in Yangon say it all, life is a series of mysteries where joy, sorrow, glory and luminosity, light and shadow, interplay. I can only be as open as Mary was, and allow Her son the space and time to let each mystery unfold, living in each moment as it comes my way, appreciating its beauty even if I do not quite understand it at all.  

The first 12 days

If someone were to say to me you are going to experience the most upheavals in your life this year I would not have believed them. Before April, my life was on an even keel. I had experienced reconciliation in a long estranged relationship and I was involved in so many ministries and projects that fulfilled me - life was busy good.

Then I met P. The next day, J died suddenly. I was beside myself. Completely blindsided by loss. As the weeks went by, there was a new call in my life which added confusion to the mix. A whole new world of possibilities opened up which amped up the stress levels tremendously for discerning and saying yes to marriage was a biggy, not made easier by well meaning friends who thought I was going soft in the head.

Opposition came from all directions for both P and myself for people could not understand how we could know what we both wanted in such a short time, and it was not easy to explain the clarity that came from clinging to Jesus. I highly recommend daily mass as a great way to date, incidentally. And to know whether marriage is on the cards, constant prayer and fasting, with time spent in the adoration room is an excellent way to foretell the future.

Come June, E fell very sick. My world came crashing in a second time. I told P if I were to lose another cousin so soon I would go crazy. Next, C got really sick as well, just weeks before the wedding. So much pain and sorrow amidst the joy. Is it any wonder I have finally begun to gray, due in no small part to my emotional state and the inability to get sufficient sleep?

So how would I term this year? I would say it was more than perfect. It was perfect because I was given so many opportunities to share love and life, and I, consequently, was able to enlarge my heart. Like Hannah who received a desperately longed-for son, only to give him back to God, she found that in the generosity of her actions, she received even more from God. By giving back to God in ways I initially was resistant to, I have found that I now have the capacity to give even more, far beyond my own comprehension and natural ability. When the Lord is ever generous, one cannot help but want to reciprocate.

Because I told Jesus I wanted to walk closer with Him, He honoured my desire by giving me P as a husband. Walking closely with Jesus in my courtship days with P has changed me. I have grown not only stronger, more faith-filled and confident, but also gentler and softer. I have learned to rely more on the Holy Spirit, and to model myself more on Mother Mary these last months.

Starting my married life by consecrating myself to Jesus through Mary has pushed the envelope beyond perfection. There have been little changes already, and I hope that they will continue so that I can be more of all the good things I wish to be, aligning my will even more closely to His.

As for marriage, although 12 days is a short time to go by (and P and I are still on our honeymoon), I would say I am confident we will have many good days ahead of us, because we both find our source of life in Jesus.

I do not take for granted what I have been given. I know I am extremely blessed with P, and I believe these first 12 days are but a foretaste of more delights and joys, even amidst future struggles and challenges. I am grateful for this incredible Extraordinary Year of Mercy, and I await the birth of baby Jesus with great anticipation.

O Emmanuel, our king and our lawgiver,
the hope of the nations and their Saviour:
Come and save us, O Lord our God.

Wedding bliss

If someone were to ask me what was the highlight of my wedding, it would be that the day was a gathering place for family and friends, filled with great rejoicing and a strong sense of community.

I have never felt so loved than during the last month leading up to my wedding day. The affirmation I have received from quarters near and far enable me to see myself through the eyes of many and what I see gives me hope, that I have been able to live out my aspirations of being a good Christian woman.

The woman is Isaiah 62 is me. I am special. I am favoured. Just as I have loved, I am loved greatly in return. The blessings were plentiful. The messages of love and well wishes were gratifying. All this came to the fore as I walked down the aisle and saw all the smiling faces of people whom I loved, that had come to share my joy with me, and finally to see P's smile as he looked at me at the altar.

Although the week leading up to the wedding was a little manic, I was able to enjoy it by meeting up with friends who have flown in specially for the wedding. It was just lovely to sit and hold long conversations with people whom I have not seen in years, some as long as over a decade. Connecting with friends, catching up on our lives, luxuriating in the threads of love and empathy that bind us, it was simply awesome.

P and I were truly appreciative that the church was filled with so many well wishers, and that all our guests had a great time, during mass, and afterwards at lunch. Even our photographer commented that he had never seen such a huge group of people, about 300, gel so well that the occasion never lost a sense of intimacy and camaraderie usually seen in a smaller setting. What amazed P was the many connections between the two circles we brought together. Our lives intersected in ways we never knew and only came to light on our wedding day. Even during the dinner when our respective families got together, it was like a reunion dinner of one big happy family, and nobody wanted to go home. We all had a blast!

The wedding mass itself was singular for many of my ICPE family members were present, and had a hand in making the liturgy so beautiful, through the music, and dance. I am grateful that Anna and Mario Capello were present; so blessed that Angie from Rome, Joan from the Philippines, and my local community, plus little Isaac, all contributed in some way to make the Sacrament of Matrimony one that touched multiple hearts, bringing the Spirit of love so palpably alive in the nuptial celebration.

Marriage, as God conceived it, is forever. Receiving the graces of God's Spirit will definitely help P and I keep the extravagant joy of the wedding at Cana present in our day to day interactions. My prayer for our future is that we will continue to grow in love and learn how to be for the other what the other most needs, be it affirmation, solace, comfort, joy, safe harbour, integrity, goodness or mercy. May P and I sanctify each other, and bring each other to heaven.

B wished me yesterday as she reminded me that P and I were one week into the marriage, and I shared with her that it was indeed grace to be loved and cherished by a good husband. I finally understand what it was that my father wished for me all those years ago before he passed on, and I look forward to living out a nuptial spirituality with P that will transform not just our lives, but the lives of those near and dear to us. 

Honeymoon

A covenant before God
To love and honour
All the days of our lives
As man and wife
In good times and in bad
In sickness and in health.
I was never more sure
Or happy to say a forever yes
In Your presence where
Heaven and earth become one.
As we move towards freedom
Join in nuptial union
Sweeter than honey
Headier than wine
I can only be glad we waited
For the sacred space where
He lives in our love.
May our days be spent
In naked communion 
Hearts aligned to the One
Who made it all possible.

Tapping on the 12

The number 12 is a very special number biblically. It is considered a perfect number, symbolizing God's power and authority, serving as perfect governmental foundation as can be seen by the 12 tribes of Israel, the 12 apostles. Twelve symbolizes completion.

The reason why P and I got married on the 12th is for a simpler reason, 12 December is a Marian feast day - it is the feast day of our Lady of Guadalupe. Given the circumstances under how we met, and how the courtship was supported throughout by our Mother's loving intercession, it seemed a foregone conclusion. That P happened to be on leave, my elder brother home for a break, and B, P's elder sister, having returned from attending a wedding in Melbourne, all dovetailed nicely, making the 12th a natural best choice.

On the eve of my wedding, B offered yet another revelation on why 12 was such a powerful number. She shared the story of how as Joshua led the people of Israel into the Promised Land by way of the River Jordan, they laid 12 stones on the side of the river bank as a memorial to God. So even as they left their old way of life behind and entered the new land, they were charged to remember all that God had done for them.

E asked me what were the 12 stones that I lay down as a memorial, a tribute to God, just as the Israelites did. Now that I have some time to reflect, my 12 stones which span, in particular, the last 13 years of my life, and will form the bedrock of my marriage with P, in no particular order, are:

Stone 1 is faith. The faith given to me by my father and my mother in baptism and how they each sought to live out that faith in their lives, first as children and siblings, then as spouses and parents. Faith gave my father integrity, courage, generosity and fortitude, while faith gave my mother openness, patience, gentleness and obedience. I can do no better than bring all these qualities of faith into my marriage with P.

Stone 2 is dying to self. In choosing to love God, and to love others just as Jesus did, I have had to die to self in so many ways over this last decade in a deeper and more profound way, once I gave my fiat. Self-preservation is a natural instinct, so I have had to fight my own selfish disposition all this time. Hence the need to ask the Lord, daily, to show me how to love, and to do a consciousness examen, so as to build self-awareness. Meeting Jesus in the moments of life help me make the choice to die to self much more easily - again a requisite for  a good marriage.

Stone 3 is the ability to let go. Being sentimental and stubborn make it very difficult for me to let go of thoughts, ideas, loves, possessions and people. I have, however, learned to do this in substantial and radical ways, and I am again called to do so as I enter my new state of life. It can be painful and I now completely get why Scripture asks for me to leave my mother and father behind and cleave to my husband. Michel Sardou's song Je Vole has been echoing in my head these last months as I finally fly the coop. Flying requires leaving, and leaving requires letting go. To be with P means to let go of my past.

Stone 4 is engagement. To be like Christ means to be fully engaged in the world, with every person I meet. It's not about sitting on the sidelines, refusing to dirty my hands or risk my heart. It's about hearing the silent cries for help, and answering them; going the distance in serving others even when one is disinclined to get involved. It's all about loving others, even as I experience the love of God in my life, paying it forward. Marriage now calls for me to be engaged in P's life, and in our life together as a couple.

Stone 5 is discerning the will of God. I decided some 13 yeas ago that the only way to live meaningfully and purposefully was to do whatever He tells me. I needed to learn how to listen to Jesus, not just by learning the law but by inscribing it onto my heart. Aligning my will to God's will gives me the ability to know how I should be living my life every day. The need for careful discernment has been extra rigorous these last months of courtship for the vocation of marriage is not to be taken lightly. Moving forward, I will need to be just as discerning in marriage.

Stone 6 is prayer. Nothing works without the element of prayer. Nothing. Prayer alone is what can make a infinitesimal but significant difference. Prayer not only effects miracles, but it gives new heart, and a whole new attitude. Doing the 33 day self-retreat of Marian consecration with P just before marriage has reaped such amazing graces that I can only repeat most emphatically, prayer works. Something I should never, ever, forget.

Stone 7 is hope. When my world implodes on itself, and I am devastated with grief or loss, hope is, as Emily Dickinson puts it, the thing with feathers that sings a tune in the fiercest storm. Hope keeps dreams alive, and hope has seen me through the worst travails of life. I know I can always hope in the Lord, for He has never failed to make a path for me to walk on when I hit a dead end. I have seen His hand working in my life and I know He will continue do the same in my future.

Stone 8 is trust. Hope and trust are close cousins for when one has trust, one displays a hopeful heart. Trust also means using one's judgement, sharpened through prayer, to make the right decision, especially in confusing and challenging times. I have found that trusting the Lord calls for practice, and that trust becomes easier as one's faith level grows. I liken my ability to trust to Peter's, very uneven. That is why Mother Mary is my model for she trusts even when she does not understand fully. I still have much to learn from her.

Stone 9 is mercy. It's very easy to bear grudges and hold onto to anger. But this is how I choose unhappiness. I have found it judicious to forgive, for anger and bitterness both curdle my insides, which is not good for my health, spiritually or otherwise. Forgiving is a good place to be and allows me to be merciful, first to myself, then to others.

Stone 10 is living out fully my baptismal office of priest, prophet and king. To reject evil and indifference, and to worship, witness and serve. I am called to evangelize through my life - my thoughts, my words, my deeds and my actions - and to make known the joys and wonders of following my Lord and Saviour, who died so that I am have eternal life.

Stone 11 is gratitude. Being grateful allows me to see the goodness of God in every circumstance, as well as to appreciate the beauty of life as I go about my day. Gratitude is the salt that enhances daily living, and brings joy, light and laughter. Gratitude helps me to be a better person, and a more cheerful one as well.

Stone 12 is love, the be all and end all of my existence. All the good things that love is in 1 Corinthians 13 is what I have desired all these years: patience, kindness, humility, generosity, selflessness and graciousness... I look to growing in love as P and I honour our matrimonial vows in the days and years to come. As Father Arro encouraged us during our nuptial mass, we need to love extravagantly, and with great exuberance. Just as the best wine was served at Cana, our marriage can be that miracle of water turned into wine if we both do whatever Jesus says, so that all may enjoy.

The power of 12 is perfection, completion. All P and I have to do is to keep tapping into the 12, and we will be more than fine.

Crown of beauty

These last two weeks I have been reflecting on crowns, a symbol of royalty, which is also your, and my inheritance. Do I want it? I don't always behave as if I do. Nor do I always believe I am deserving of my royal lineage.

Saint Maximilian Kolbe had a vision when he was 12. He saw the Mother of God holding out two crowns to him, a white one and a red one; white for purity and red for martyrdom. He accepted both, and lived his life accordingly. He is aptly named the Apostle of Consecration to Mary, and he died in Auschwitz when he voluntarily gave up his life for another who was condemned to die.

While I don't think I will ever have his fervour or courage, I am hoping that the white crown of purity will be mine, this crown of beauty, a royal diadem that Isaiah wrote about in chapter 62, for both P and I need it to ensure our marriage will be a true meeting of minds and heart; a union centred on Christ, with His mothe leading us to Him. May this crown of purity heal us, edify us, and help us grow more and more into the individuals we are created to be.

I wear a crown on my head.
It has been mine
since the day I was born.
Fashioned in gold,
intricately worked,
Encrusted with jewels,
crystalline and colourful.
How much you say it is worth?
Beyond priceless
Only because it was bought
Through, with, and
In the blood of the Lamb.
Although I sully it often,
prying out the stones,
Exchanging them
for worldly dross
It retains
a semblance of grace:
Imago dei
Nothing can separate us
from the love of Christ
Unless we disdain the gift.
So choose wisely
Every day.
Faith is not for the foolish
or faint-hearted.

I once gave away my crown
for far too long.
Lost my identity
My dignity
And my integrity.
Even wracked with pain,
I convinced myself
I was good.
I was fine!
Hey, I was free_
Rocking the pleasure principle.
A profligate prodigal
Gorging yet starving.
So don't believe
everything you hear
There is a hell, and sin
Will get you there.
It is true, you only live once.
Precisely why this life
must count for something.
Wear the crown with pride.
Labour with love
To make it shine
Let others bask in the glow
Of love's sweet sacrifice.
Don't stop!
Do not be afraid.
As it is proclaimed in 2:10*
Remain faithful until death
And I will give you the crown of life.

* The book of Revelations that we have been reading daily in the lectionary. 

Extraordinary Day of Mercy

Yesterday marked the end of the Extraordinary Year of Mercy. It was also the close of the liturgical year as we celebrated the Feast of Christ the King. Not only that, but it was a special day for P, and for me.

It started on many missteps: me waking up tired, then running late, and frantically trying to finish my chores on time, him oversleeping that led to a change in plans for us, getting lost on the way to an unfamiliar church, going to the wrong church for a baptism where I was godmother, bad weather... I was frazzled, to say the least, for my brain was on ditz overdrive - I really felt like a failure. It was only when I reflected back on the day, in the evening, that I could see all things were meant to be and we both received God's mercy as individuals, and as a couple. A precious gift of a day that turned out to be extraordinary!

When I first said Christ the King, P felt it was the wrong church and that we should be heading to one of the 'Holy Door' churches, but a small voice inside of me emphatically said Christ the King, so off we went to Christ the King. Besides praying in the adoration room, I was able to visit A's niche and pray for her. As I stood there in the columbarium, I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit very strongly (very unusual), and I felt that A was truly with Jesus in paradise; home, at peace and happy.

M happened to message me half an hour before our meeting time, and I, for some reason, decided then to check the venue, only to discover I was in the wrong church! Thanks to P, we made it, in good time, to Holy Cross, a 'Holy Door' church.

The baptism mass was Spirit-filled. Again I have never felt the presence of the Holy Spirit so palpably at a baptism, this was confirmed later by both M, and P, who actually stayed back for the mass, much to my surprise and delight (at the prompting of the said Spirit). It was a joyous occasion marked by beautiful singing, and a dedicated, enthusiastic service team. Jesus was in the house.

Many little things that mean a lot to me added to the joy of the day, such as the stained glass depicting the wedding at Cana (our wedding mass Gospel text), and the recessional hymn, Testify to Love. It brought back memories of how the W2W Ministry once celebrated International Woman's Day with a mass, where A, K and I danced to this song. It was a scary, but fun day, for it was something I had never done before, dance for the Lord in front of an unknown audience.

When we throw ourselves into life exuberantly, seeking first to do the Lord's will in everything, practising joyful obedience even when we are not quite sure why we do certain things, there is a payoff. As Father Michael Gaitley highlights in Day 12 of his booklet, 33 Days to Morning Glory, a do-it-yourself journey to Marian consecration, Maximilian Kolbe's formula for holiness is W+w=S: His Will in which we unite our wills to is what leads to sanctity. We become holy as He is holy.

As part of our spiritual preparation for marriage, P and I are doing this 33 day Marian consecration and I believe yesterday was just one of the gifts that comes directly from this consecration journey. The Holy Spirit is the one who directs us if we let Him. When P and I obeyed His urgings yesterday, we both received the graces of conviction and consolation. We both know Jesus is very present in our lives, and the Holy Spirit is our living proof.

I could hear the Father say, not just to M, but to me as well: This is my beloved in whom I am well pleased. A gold crown was offered; a crown I accept with joy, for it signifies a kinship between me and Christ, the King, one I boast of most proudly, and one I hope will grow stronger each passing day. Today, I give thanks by testifying to His infinite love and abundant mercy.

Mercy musings - vindication & salvation

As the Extraordinary Year of Mercy draws to an end soon, I look at my take aways: how has the year been for me, have I stretched enough to make a difference, and what should I continue to do beyond this year?

My Year began with reverse carolling in Mindoro last December and it was a good way to realize that everything I have comes from God, and to share what I have, as generously as possible, with those who have little or none. Although it may seem impossible to cure the world's ills, I cannot stop trying for Isaiah 61 is a mandate for daily living if I truly believe in Christ.

I am inspired by Father Caloy Paglicawan, who is a force of nature in his world, a force that has brought hope, faith and joy, the light of Christ into the darkness of poverty. He, and many others like him, are workers in the vineyard who make a difference in the lives of those around them. They choose to be a part of His people, and so do I.

Wherever God chooses to situate me, I will go. Sometimes this involves hard choices, and I cannot say I set out wholeheartedly (feeling inadequate, weary, and a little crazy come to mind), or whether I heed all the cries I hear, but I can only try sincerely. Simply to say yes and go, and let Him do the rest. This has become increasingly clear these past months for the way ahead will be characterized by tremendous change, something that requires from me much deeper reserves of faith, and more mercy all around.

In all his messages, the Pope usually encourages us to go beyond the letter of the law, especially on the topic of mercy. We first need to understand the law, but more than that, we need to inscribe it on our hearts, internalized it such that we are not fixated on executing it just so, or spend our time arguing minor points to prove we know it best, but to live it out fully in thoughts, words and deeds, quietly and humbly. The law is but a guide to confirm our actions when we are in doubt.

Lest we forget, love of God and others is what we should be shooting for, and in order to do this, we need humility, compassion, courage, patience, and an unwavering orientation towards forgiveness. B calls this my jubilee year and she is right for I have experienced reconciliation in a few key relationships that have gone sour for years where all I could do previously was to maintain as much a loving and forgiving attitude as possible. It has been arduous but with prayer as my modus operandi, I have managed to maintain my equilibrium and self-worth in order to do the right thing, knowing all the time that I could always do better, that is, be more loving and forgiving.

Striving for the spirit of the law has now become my preferred choice over a more legalistic way of doing things as it gives me more joy and inner peace. I do not waste my time figuring out if I have performed sufficiently but assume that I should go the distance as long as I do not cause harm to myself. And as the parable of the dutiful servant (Luke 17:7-10) reminds me, what I do is not particularly noteworthy for I am merely doing what I ought to do. No self appointed sainthood in the offing even as I take pleasure in being good and doing good, and making my Father smile.

The loss of J, the meeting of P, the illness of E, and then C, all the emotional ups and downs have made for a year where I often wished I did not love so much. And yet, life is all about love; as the hymn goes, to live is to love with all your heart. Love is my ethos so I am just going to go for it, despite the expected scrapes and bruises I will receive along the way. I will not fear the bad that comes with the good, but will celebrate both with appropriate equanimity. Many good things come out of the bad as history usually proves anyway.

A recurring lesson for me these past months is to hold everything lightly in my hands, whether it be joy, grief, peace, despair, anger, fear, bitterness, pride or satisfaction. This infers thanking the Lord in all situations, and the ability to be grateful - it has certainly helped me keep things on a more even keel, even in the massive tsunamis of disaster and loss.

Being good does not mean not having fun - goodness and pleasure are not mutually exclusive. I do tend to err on the side of serious and intense, demanding perfection of myself in whatever I do, becoming Martha-like self-righteous and querulous at times. So meeting P has been good for my soul for he makes me laugh and reminds me that keeping a sanguine frame of mind helps me be more tolerant and patient. I am learning not to take myself too seriously: to hold life loosely in my palms, and to walk lightly with an unburdened and listening heart.

Perhaps Saint Vincent de Paul says it best: If humble souls are contradicted, they remain calm; if they are calumniated, they suffer with patience; if they are little esteemed, neglected, or forgotten, they consider that their due; if they are weighed down with occupations, they perform them cheerfully.

Mercy will never go out of fashion. So I would like to continue walking in Christ's footsteps and help the poor, imprisoned and broken-hearted be restored to wholeness and liberation. In order to do this, I need to ensure that I, myself, am not impoverished, enslaved, or in despair. E told me recently that Isaiah 62 is mine this season. I will take that, the Father's loving vindication and salvation, and I look forward to my future - delight, marriage, holiness, to be sought after and not forgotten - just more of His mercy in my life, both on the receiving end, and in the giving.

Second spring

The old woman knew at a glance
Second spring!
She pronounced with delight
and a certain sweet gravitas.
The second time around
you already know how
an immature love can strangulate
pierce the heart mortally
when it degenerates into vinegar
descending into ashes
never to rise again.
The morning star shyly peeps
through the darkest fingers of dawn
Quietly casting a healing light
on hearts leached of hope.
A gentle rose, she exudes
an infectious joy and optimism
She whispers of the charms of
a mystical second naïveté 
This time, it is right - it is good.
The fire has sanctified and cleansed
yielding true intentions and pure hearts
Gaze upon the face of God,
drinking the most luscious wine ever
transformed from insipid water.
The promise of Cana beckons_
So let the dance of spring begin
The second time, like second wine, is best.

Casting out fear

Last weekend, when I had some time to be still and reflect, I came face to face with one single emotion: pure, unadulterated fear. I am absolutely petrified as I approach marriage.

I am not afraid that I am making the wrong decision for I know it is the right decision. I can see how P is, and will continue to be a great blessing in my life, as I can see how I am, and will continue to be a great blessing in his (a note to my fellow sisters, it is vastly important you know what you are worth, a lot, and how much you ought to be treasured, very much, by the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with). I can also see that our coming together has the Father's stamp of approval on it.

So why the heart-stopping fear? I would be a naive fool if I did not have any fears, some of which are quite legitimate, but this crazy colossal one comes from a place of shadows where my brokenness resides. It is a place where challenges are incredibly magnified, and situations are distorted beyond recognition and hope such that I fear I will fail miserably and lose everything I hold dear: my principles, my identity and my freedom.

I know it's hugely irrational and therefore I am glad I have been able to allow God to root Himself in me (thanks E) so that I have not reacted in a volatile or negative manner.

Two pieces of Scripture have come to my rescue. The first is Exodus 14:14: The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.

This promise has kept me going during some very low points in my life. No reason to doubt that He will continue to work miracles in my life, as He has done so in the past. I just have to trust, as P often tells me.

The other Word comes from Romans 12:12: Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times.

If I believe in Christ, and I say I do, then I should be like Joy in the movie Inside Out. Nothing can bring me down. I should radiate positivity and gentle calm even when chaos descends. So it's through Him, with Him and in Him - it's the only way.

When I put my fears aside, I can say that these have been the happiest days of my life. P brings depth and richness to my existence. He makes my being sing. The sweetest moment in my day is when he turns and smiles in greeting to me when we meet for morning mass at Blessed Sacrament. Sitting, standing and kneeling next to him, worshipping God as a couple, affords such strength to the relationship as we allow Jesus to be the one who binds us together in love.

So what am I afraid of again? Life is good, not perfect, as it can never be, but very good. And that should be enough to make my fears disappear for as we all know in 1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear... and that perfect love can be mine through Christ. No fear.

Commitment happy

One of the key characteristics of a missionary disciple is the ability to embrace change, to go where the Spirit leads, often living in the mystery of life, and God, with no clear-cut answers, except an unwavering fidelity to the Lord, and a bold yes to go where few ever dare venture, time and time again.  

We celebrated Mission Sunday yesterday and I took my commitment as an Associate of the ICPE Mission here in Singapore, a change from taking my covenant as a Companion, which I did three years ago. It was a bittersweet moment, a hint of longing mixed in with the joy and eager anticipation. I will be getting married soon and the nuptial covenant will then become the primary covenant that I have chosen to undertake the rest of my life. All other covenants I will take must follow this sacramental covenant, for P and I will become one in matrimony, and we will move forward as one heart, one mind, and one voice.

It was love of my spiritual brothers and sisters, and my regard for the ICPE Mission and what it stands for, that held me back initially from making the transition from Companion to Associate. Change is hard when emotions are involved. I had to grapple hard to make the right decision in earlier weeks. Through the ICPE Mission, I encountered Jesus in such a real, intimate and profound way that I was transformed completely. I gave my life over to Jesus and have followed Him ever since. ICPE spirituality has shaped and formed my spirituality, and my spiritual and emotional maturity owes a great deal to the ICPE Mission and what it espouses, this radical love for Jesus.

When we choose to give freely and generously of ourselves to God, He responds by giving us more than we could ever have imagined, more love, more joy, more peace, just more of everything that makes life rich, fulfilling and complete. If we are faithful, He reciprocates in ways that are beyond our expectations. Jesus, my Bridegroom, has been the most tender, caring, self-giving husband a woman could ever want. He knows exactly what I need and His nurturing love has given me the confidence to fly high and be the best I could ever be in terms of living up to my human potential. His love for me knows no bounds and the gift of P in my life is a testament to that love.

Whether I am Associate or Companion, whether I am single or married, I am this unique, individual creature He made. I have not changed fundamentally. I am still the same woman who loves with all her being, who has learned to wear her feelings as a badge of honour, and to allow them to move her to small and great acts of love every day. I am the same me who strives to be a better person daily, to be as wise and compassionate as Jesus was.

I do not love my ICPE brothers and sisters any less than I did yesterday for the bonds of love forged in Christ already exist. I remain committed to the ICPE ideals of knowing Christ and making Christ known, for I still desire to bring the love and joy of God to His people, near and far. I still wish to be the catalyst that brings others back into the Father's loving arms: to reunite the prodigals, reacquaint the lost and lonely with the mercy and tenderness of God. I want to be His hands and feet, to bring comfort and healing, wherever it is needed. I aspire to enable others to have a personal and transformational encounter with Jesus as I myself first experienced all those years ago.

Jesus lives today, in our lives, and He suffers and cries together with us when we suffer and cry, as He rejoices with us when we are happy. He never abandons us, and He is always waiting for us to discover Him. This truth of Christian love never gets old for we all seek this everlasting, unconditional love, whether we recognize it or not. We all need Him in our lives, all the time, whether we acknowledge it or not. My wish is for everyone to experience the joy of this truth.

I am a missionary disciple, and if I call myself one, I must think and act like one. So I look to the future, the future He has planned for me, and I say an unqualified yes to allowing him to use me as He wills. As I wrote and signed in my commitment as Associate yesterday, this commitment reflects not only my fidelity to my soon-to-be spouse, P, and my spiritual family, ICPE Mission, but to my Lord and my God.

So whatever comes my way, I have the strength of my commitment, my yes to the One who loved me first, to propel me forward, with a smile on my face and a lightness of heart.

The mystery of joy

Seeing as how Mother Mary was instrumental in my meeting P, our courtship has been one of growing our relationship not just with each other, but with our Mother (and with Jesus, her son) as well. At every turning point she has been there to guide us on the way forward, smoothing out the rough bits, encouraging us to listen to her son, and to do as He says.

My prayer life has deepened these past months, especially as I began to pray the rosary more consistently, alongside my other preferred methods of prayer. More than ever, I need the gentle wisdom of Our Lady to navigate the uncharted waters of marriage which I am fast approaching, for having worn the independence of singlehood so long, the challenge of permanent union can be daunting. I fret, I chafe, I grumble and rumble, even as I am awed, grateful, overjoyed and healed by my relationship with P.

Recently as I prayed the Joyful Mysteries, I reflected that the events in themselves did not exactly represent joy. Or rather, joy is not a momentary, serendipitous feeling like happiness that comes from winning a lottery, or acquiring a much sought after bag at half price.

Joy requires you to work at it, to chip away with childlike trust the, at times, thorny exterior of pain and uncertainty, only to reveal the precious, gleaming kernel of Godseed within, the truth of abundant, divine love.

Joy is a process of sifting out the chaff, a movement from dark to light; from the sorrow of living in a fallen world to the redemptive grace of the Lord's mercy. Joy is saying yes to His will and His ways, even when one is unsure and fearful, or mired in grief. Joy comes from having the faith and fortitude to say Thy will be done, again and again, even when it requires sacrifice and privation, a constant dying to self.

We have only to look at the events of the Joyful Mysteries to understand the essence,of joy: the annunciation, the visitation, the nativity, the presentation at the temple and the finding of boy Jesus in the temple. All these mysteries are events, which at the time of happening, could not have evoked pure joy, with the exception of the visitation where the cousins, Mary and Elizabeth find pleasure in reunion and communion. Even so, pregnancy was not an ideal state for a single woman to find herself in.

If an angel spoke to me of an impossible situation I'd soon find myself in, I would either run away in fear, or reject the idea outright. Childbirth is painful, by all accounts, not to be combined with the unthinkable experience of giving birth next to livestock housed in a manger. I would push crazy, old Simeon away for casting a shadow on my son's important day with his dire ramblings. And I would smack my son for giving me lip after making me anxious with his disappearing act. The joy, if any, came in a rush of conflicting emotions.

So Mother Mary is to be greatly admired for being able to cut through all the fluff and arriving at the essential truth, time after time. She could only do so by maintaining a disposition receptive to the delicate nuances of the Holy Spirit's guiding hand. When she did not understand, she allowed the mystery of the moment to sit within her quietly and unfurl its petals in due course. She did not use the brute force of limited human understanding or ego to gain instant gratification. She meditated. She contemplated. She let the Father speak to her in his own words and fashion. She was open. Full of grace. Full of joy.

I have been practising Mary's receptive disposition, not always with immediate success, but I find that when one persists in prayer, the negativity that comes from nitpicky, perfectionistic expectations does give way to a more expansive and life-giving generosity. I can let go of my obstinate and legalistic views, and enjoy what I have been given.

I am able to appreciate the beauty of an imperfect human moment. And I can celebrate the fragile and temporal music I hear to sing a magnificat of praise with joy.

Prized purity

It's been a while since I have posted a blog entry, not from want of trying for I have half-written pieces of writing waiting to be finished on my iPad. It's just been a really busy period with P and I doing couple-y things such as preparing his home for me to move into after the wedding, attending social functions as a couple, getting to know each other's families better, and just us getting to know each other more and more (and loving every minute of it, even the speed bumps and detours).

Courtship is tiring, delightful as it is. It does not help that, separately, we have our own commitments, work and social, but one thing is clear, we are both focused on making time for Jesus, in spite of, or should I say, because of our relationship and all it entails.

Given my OCD tendencies, I fear that I may neglect Jesus, seeing as P does occupy a lot of my head space, taking up both my psychic and affective energy. I therefore try hard to strike the balance, going for daily mass, praying not just my devotional and intercessory prayers, but also finding the time to frequent the adoration room, and sit in silence with Jesus.

During the New Wineskins Conference last month, Father Terence spoke of the importance of setting aside one full hour to pray, especially if we are in ministry. It's not enough to pray in short bursts through the day, intoning intentionally my chosen set of daily prayer. It is imperative to reserve an hour for the Lord, to soak in His love, and know who I am in His eyes. Otherwise, I cannot engage effectively in mission. I will get exhausted under the constant barrage of bad news, things to do, and the needs of those around me. It was a good reminder.

My mission has not changed, even though I am entering into a new vocation of marriage soon. I am still called to be salt and light in the world in a particular way, to bring the joy of the Lord, the singularity of the Good News, which I, myself, experience every day, to others. Of course, given our imminent union, P and I are often the recipients of said salt and light as we spend time together, and care for each other with burgeoning affection.

When I last met my SD, he asked me what I would like to ask for before I received absolution from the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and I replied I desired a purity of heart and mind.

Being able to love P as Jesus loves Him, is of utmost importance to me. This purity I ask for is the purity of unconditional and total self-giving love.

It is the ability to love P without fear of being hurt, with naked honesty and vulnerability.

It is the courage to love P despite the despair I sometimes feel at what I perceive as obstacles or great challenges.

It is the confidence to go ahead as if I were Daniel in the lion's den, knowing full well that the Lord will protect and bless me , especially in my helplessness.

It is the simplicity of knowing that love, God's brand of love, is enough; for perfect love casts out all fears.

Purity of heart gives me the wisdom to know how to love P, but at the same time, how to safeguard the relationship against our using each other in a selfish manner.

As the relationship develops and unfolds, I am grateful P and I are united in nourishing our faith daily and in cultivating attentive and open hearts. May Mother Mary, who brought us together, continue to inspire us with her humility and her fiat, and may we heed her advice to do whatever He tells us.