Last weekend, when I had some time to be still and reflect, I came face to face with one single emotion: pure, unadulterated fear. I am absolutely petrified as I approach marriage.
I am not afraid that I am making the wrong decision for I know it is the right decision. I can see how P is, and will continue to be a great blessing in my life, as I can see how I am, and will continue to be a great blessing in his (a note to my fellow sisters, it is vastly important you know what you are worth, a lot, and how much you ought to be treasured, very much, by the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with). I can also see that our coming together has the Father's stamp of approval on it.
So why the heart-stopping fear? I would be a naive fool if I did not have any fears, some of which are quite legitimate, but this crazy colossal one comes from a place of shadows where my brokenness resides. It is a place where challenges are incredibly magnified, and situations are distorted beyond recognition and hope such that I fear I will fail miserably and lose everything I hold dear: my principles, my identity and my freedom.
I know it's hugely irrational and therefore I am glad I have been able to allow God to root Himself in me (thanks E) so that I have not reacted in a volatile or negative manner.
Two pieces of Scripture have come to my rescue. The first is Exodus 14:14: The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.
This promise has kept me going during some very low points in my life. No reason to doubt that He will continue to work miracles in my life, as He has done so in the past. I just have to trust, as P often tells me.
The other Word comes from Romans 12:12: Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times.
If I believe in Christ, and I say I do, then I should be like Joy in the movie Inside Out. Nothing can bring me down. I should radiate positivity and gentle calm even when chaos descends. So it's through Him, with Him and in Him - it's the only way.
When I put my fears aside, I can say that these have been the happiest days of my life. P brings depth and richness to my existence. He makes my being sing. The sweetest moment in my day is when he turns and smiles in greeting to me when we meet for morning mass at Blessed Sacrament. Sitting, standing and kneeling next to him, worshipping God as a couple, affords such strength to the relationship as we allow Jesus to be the one who binds us together in love.
So what am I afraid of again? Life is good, not perfect, as it can never be, but very good. And that should be enough to make my fears disappear for as we all know in 1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear... and that perfect love can be mine through Christ. No fear.
I am not afraid that I am making the wrong decision for I know it is the right decision. I can see how P is, and will continue to be a great blessing in my life, as I can see how I am, and will continue to be a great blessing in his (a note to my fellow sisters, it is vastly important you know what you are worth, a lot, and how much you ought to be treasured, very much, by the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with). I can also see that our coming together has the Father's stamp of approval on it.
So why the heart-stopping fear? I would be a naive fool if I did not have any fears, some of which are quite legitimate, but this crazy colossal one comes from a place of shadows where my brokenness resides. It is a place where challenges are incredibly magnified, and situations are distorted beyond recognition and hope such that I fear I will fail miserably and lose everything I hold dear: my principles, my identity and my freedom.
I know it's hugely irrational and therefore I am glad I have been able to allow God to root Himself in me (thanks E) so that I have not reacted in a volatile or negative manner.
Two pieces of Scripture have come to my rescue. The first is Exodus 14:14: The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.
This promise has kept me going during some very low points in my life. No reason to doubt that He will continue to work miracles in my life, as He has done so in the past. I just have to trust, as P often tells me.
The other Word comes from Romans 12:12: Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times.
If I believe in Christ, and I say I do, then I should be like Joy in the movie Inside Out. Nothing can bring me down. I should radiate positivity and gentle calm even when chaos descends. So it's through Him, with Him and in Him - it's the only way.
When I put my fears aside, I can say that these have been the happiest days of my life. P brings depth and richness to my existence. He makes my being sing. The sweetest moment in my day is when he turns and smiles in greeting to me when we meet for morning mass at Blessed Sacrament. Sitting, standing and kneeling next to him, worshipping God as a couple, affords such strength to the relationship as we allow Jesus to be the one who binds us together in love.
So what am I afraid of again? Life is good, not perfect, as it can never be, but very good. And that should be enough to make my fears disappear for as we all know in 1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear... and that perfect love can be mine through Christ. No fear.
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