Holy Year

The one thing that emerges from 2016 is the need for sanctity. No matter what the vicissitudes or triumphs of life may be, my sanity and humility have maintained a fair balance only through the ability to turn to Jesus for counsel, comfort and thanksgiving.

Banal as it may sound, prayer works. I have experienced how prayer helps take the edge off soul-searing grief, gives one the inner voice of clarity and good sense in times of chaos and confusion, and heightens the pleasure of living in a God moment through the continuum of time.

By keeping my consciousness attuned to my Maker, I have been able to make choices that bear the mark of His wisdom and courage. Otherwise, I would have lacked the compassion to forgive those who have hurt me; I would have allowed grief to turn me into a coward who refuses to love with all my heart; and most of all, I would not have had the heart to enter into marriage.

I like this reflection I read from Laudate a couple of days back about the Presentation at the Temple where when Simeon blesses Mary and Joseph, he prophesies how Mary would suffer for the love of her child.

The reflection goes on to talk about the paradox for those blessed by the Lord. Mary was given the blessedness of being the mother of the Son of God. That blessedness also would become a sword which pierced her heart as her Son died upon the cross. She received both a crown of joy and a cross of sorrow. But her joy was not diminished by her sorrow because it was fueled by her faith, hope, and trust in God and his promises. Jesus promised his disciples that "no one will take your joy from you" (John 16:22). The Lord gives us a supernatural joy which enables us to bear any sorrow or pain and which neither life nor death can take away.  

I know I have been blessed very much, just as Mary was blessed. And my ability to continue to have faith, hope and trust in God's promises like she did, especially when the going is tough and life is bleak comes from trying to be holy, just as she was. While I cannot say I have been totally consistent all 365 days of 2016, I have definitely experienced the supernatural joy the writer talks about, even in sorrow. So whatever comes my way in 2017, I know I can face it and not be defeated.

My hope for the new year is that I will keep growing in holiness, and my wish for the world is that we will all walk in step with each other with clean hands and pure hearts. May we seek to be sanctified without becoming sanctimonious, and to be co-workers in the vineyard of the Lord. 

Mystery beauteous

The hardest part about marriage is leaving my mother behind. I always thought we would live together, even in the event of my ever getting married. Best laid plans of mice and women, sadly.

When my father passed away 13 years ago, it became my mission in life to see my mother happy and fulfilled in her remaining years on earth. Her marriage was not an easy one but she was the good wife to the end. She has always done the right thing in her life, and I wanted to do the right thing by her, bringing love and laughter into her life.

These past years have been such a blessing for me for living with my mother has brought me such joy. We are thick as thieves. And we share a common love of flora and fauna. Gardens bring us both much joy, and nothing like shared joy to create a deep bond. We've spent hours, over the years, visiting gardens near and far, enjoying their serene beauty.

But more than all that, no one else loves me unconditionally like she does. No one gets me like she does. No one cares for me as she does. She is my confidant, my biggest champion, my best friend - she is simply, my mother.

My friends always remark I am a good daughter. In truth, she makes it easy for me to be a good daughter for she is a good mother, undemanding, and accepting of all my weaknesses, loving me even when I am my ugliest.

As I journey home to Singapore tomorrow, it is with some measure of sadness I feel that I will return to a new home where she does not reside. And yet, I am also looking forward to spending my life with P.

The Nativity resonates with great poignancy for me this year. The emotions I feel must mirror what Mary and Joseph must have felt - joy at their son's arrival, but mixed in with the joy is also great discomfort at giving birth amidst livestock, far from home; fear, wondering what the future holds for this precious, new life; sadness, at such less than ideal circumstances of birth; and awe, at the choirs of angels singing, joined by the shepherds who came to pay homage.

Perhaps the stained glass windows in Saint Mary's Cathedral in Yangon say it all, life is a series of mysteries where joy, sorrow, glory and luminosity, light and shadow, interplay. I can only be as open as Mary was, and allow Her son the space and time to let each mystery unfold, living in each moment as it comes my way, appreciating its beauty even if I do not quite understand it at all.  

The first 12 days

If someone were to say to me you are going to experience the most upheavals in your life this year I would not have believed them. Before April, my life was on an even keel. I had experienced reconciliation in a long estranged relationship and I was involved in so many ministries and projects that fulfilled me - life was busy good.

Then I met P. The next day, J died suddenly. I was beside myself. Completely blindsided by loss. As the weeks went by, there was a new call in my life which added confusion to the mix. A whole new world of possibilities opened up which amped up the stress levels tremendously for discerning and saying yes to marriage was a biggy, not made easier by well meaning friends who thought I was going soft in the head.

Opposition came from all directions for both P and myself for people could not understand how we could know what we both wanted in such a short time, and it was not easy to explain the clarity that came from clinging to Jesus. I highly recommend daily mass as a great way to date, incidentally. And to know whether marriage is on the cards, constant prayer and fasting, with time spent in the adoration room is an excellent way to foretell the future.

Come June, E fell very sick. My world came crashing in a second time. I told P if I were to lose another cousin so soon I would go crazy. Next, C got really sick as well, just weeks before the wedding. So much pain and sorrow amidst the joy. Is it any wonder I have finally begun to gray, due in no small part to my emotional state and the inability to get sufficient sleep?

So how would I term this year? I would say it was more than perfect. It was perfect because I was given so many opportunities to share love and life, and I, consequently, was able to enlarge my heart. Like Hannah who received a desperately longed-for son, only to give him back to God, she found that in the generosity of her actions, she received even more from God. By giving back to God in ways I initially was resistant to, I have found that I now have the capacity to give even more, far beyond my own comprehension and natural ability. When the Lord is ever generous, one cannot help but want to reciprocate.

Because I told Jesus I wanted to walk closer with Him, He honoured my desire by giving me P as a husband. Walking closely with Jesus in my courtship days with P has changed me. I have grown not only stronger, more faith-filled and confident, but also gentler and softer. I have learned to rely more on the Holy Spirit, and to model myself more on Mother Mary these last months.

Starting my married life by consecrating myself to Jesus through Mary has pushed the envelope beyond perfection. There have been little changes already, and I hope that they will continue so that I can be more of all the good things I wish to be, aligning my will even more closely to His.

As for marriage, although 12 days is a short time to go by (and P and I are still on our honeymoon), I would say I am confident we will have many good days ahead of us, because we both find our source of life in Jesus.

I do not take for granted what I have been given. I know I am extremely blessed with P, and I believe these first 12 days are but a foretaste of more delights and joys, even amidst future struggles and challenges. I am grateful for this incredible Extraordinary Year of Mercy, and I await the birth of baby Jesus with great anticipation.

O Emmanuel, our king and our lawgiver,
the hope of the nations and their Saviour:
Come and save us, O Lord our God.

Wedding bliss

If someone were to ask me what was the highlight of my wedding, it would be that the day was a gathering place for family and friends, filled with great rejoicing and a strong sense of community.

I have never felt so loved than during the last month leading up to my wedding day. The affirmation I have received from quarters near and far enable me to see myself through the eyes of many and what I see gives me hope, that I have been able to live out my aspirations of being a good Christian woman.

The woman is Isaiah 62 is me. I am special. I am favoured. Just as I have loved, I am loved greatly in return. The blessings were plentiful. The messages of love and well wishes were gratifying. All this came to the fore as I walked down the aisle and saw all the smiling faces of people whom I loved, that had come to share my joy with me, and finally to see P's smile as he looked at me at the altar.

Although the week leading up to the wedding was a little manic, I was able to enjoy it by meeting up with friends who have flown in specially for the wedding. It was just lovely to sit and hold long conversations with people whom I have not seen in years, some as long as over a decade. Connecting with friends, catching up on our lives, luxuriating in the threads of love and empathy that bind us, it was simply awesome.

P and I were truly appreciative that the church was filled with so many well wishers, and that all our guests had a great time, during mass, and afterwards at lunch. Even our photographer commented that he had never seen such a huge group of people, about 300, gel so well that the occasion never lost a sense of intimacy and camaraderie usually seen in a smaller setting. What amazed P was the many connections between the two circles we brought together. Our lives intersected in ways we never knew and only came to light on our wedding day. Even during the dinner when our respective families got together, it was like a reunion dinner of one big happy family, and nobody wanted to go home. We all had a blast!

The wedding mass itself was singular for many of my ICPE family members were present, and had a hand in making the liturgy so beautiful, through the music, and dance. I am grateful that Anna and Mario Capello were present; so blessed that Angie from Rome, Joan from the Philippines, and my local community, plus little Isaac, all contributed in some way to make the Sacrament of Matrimony one that touched multiple hearts, bringing the Spirit of love so palpably alive in the nuptial celebration.

Marriage, as God conceived it, is forever. Receiving the graces of God's Spirit will definitely help P and I keep the extravagant joy of the wedding at Cana present in our day to day interactions. My prayer for our future is that we will continue to grow in love and learn how to be for the other what the other most needs, be it affirmation, solace, comfort, joy, safe harbour, integrity, goodness or mercy. May P and I sanctify each other, and bring each other to heaven.

B wished me yesterday as she reminded me that P and I were one week into the marriage, and I shared with her that it was indeed grace to be loved and cherished by a good husband. I finally understand what it was that my father wished for me all those years ago before he passed on, and I look forward to living out a nuptial spirituality with P that will transform not just our lives, but the lives of those near and dear to us. 

Honeymoon

A covenant before God
To love and honour
All the days of our lives
As man and wife
In good times and in bad
In sickness and in health.
I was never more sure
Or happy to say a forever yes
In Your presence where
Heaven and earth become one.
As we move towards freedom
Join in nuptial union
Sweeter than honey
Headier than wine
I can only be glad we waited
For the sacred space where
He lives in our love.
May our days be spent
In naked communion 
Hearts aligned to the One
Who made it all possible.

Tapping on the 12

The number 12 is a very special number biblically. It is considered a perfect number, symbolizing God's power and authority, serving as perfect governmental foundation as can be seen by the 12 tribes of Israel, the 12 apostles. Twelve symbolizes completion.

The reason why P and I got married on the 12th is for a simpler reason, 12 December is a Marian feast day - it is the feast day of our Lady of Guadalupe. Given the circumstances under how we met, and how the courtship was supported throughout by our Mother's loving intercession, it seemed a foregone conclusion. That P happened to be on leave, my elder brother home for a break, and B, P's elder sister, having returned from attending a wedding in Melbourne, all dovetailed nicely, making the 12th a natural best choice.

On the eve of my wedding, B offered yet another revelation on why 12 was such a powerful number. She shared the story of how as Joshua led the people of Israel into the Promised Land by way of the River Jordan, they laid 12 stones on the side of the river bank as a memorial to God. So even as they left their old way of life behind and entered the new land, they were charged to remember all that God had done for them.

E asked me what were the 12 stones that I lay down as a memorial, a tribute to God, just as the Israelites did. Now that I have some time to reflect, my 12 stones which span, in particular, the last 13 years of my life, and will form the bedrock of my marriage with P, in no particular order, are:

Stone 1 is faith. The faith given to me by my father and my mother in baptism and how they each sought to live out that faith in their lives, first as children and siblings, then as spouses and parents. Faith gave my father integrity, courage, generosity and fortitude, while faith gave my mother openness, patience, gentleness and obedience. I can do no better than bring all these qualities of faith into my marriage with P.

Stone 2 is dying to self. In choosing to love God, and to love others just as Jesus did, I have had to die to self in so many ways over this last decade in a deeper and more profound way, once I gave my fiat. Self-preservation is a natural instinct, so I have had to fight my own selfish disposition all this time. Hence the need to ask the Lord, daily, to show me how to love, and to do a consciousness examen, so as to build self-awareness. Meeting Jesus in the moments of life help me make the choice to die to self much more easily - again a requisite for  a good marriage.

Stone 3 is the ability to let go. Being sentimental and stubborn make it very difficult for me to let go of thoughts, ideas, loves, possessions and people. I have, however, learned to do this in substantial and radical ways, and I am again called to do so as I enter my new state of life. It can be painful and I now completely get why Scripture asks for me to leave my mother and father behind and cleave to my husband. Michel Sardou's song Je Vole has been echoing in my head these last months as I finally fly the coop. Flying requires leaving, and leaving requires letting go. To be with P means to let go of my past.

Stone 4 is engagement. To be like Christ means to be fully engaged in the world, with every person I meet. It's not about sitting on the sidelines, refusing to dirty my hands or risk my heart. It's about hearing the silent cries for help, and answering them; going the distance in serving others even when one is disinclined to get involved. It's all about loving others, even as I experience the love of God in my life, paying it forward. Marriage now calls for me to be engaged in P's life, and in our life together as a couple.

Stone 5 is discerning the will of God. I decided some 13 yeas ago that the only way to live meaningfully and purposefully was to do whatever He tells me. I needed to learn how to listen to Jesus, not just by learning the law but by inscribing it onto my heart. Aligning my will to God's will gives me the ability to know how I should be living my life every day. The need for careful discernment has been extra rigorous these last months of courtship for the vocation of marriage is not to be taken lightly. Moving forward, I will need to be just as discerning in marriage.

Stone 6 is prayer. Nothing works without the element of prayer. Nothing. Prayer alone is what can make a infinitesimal but significant difference. Prayer not only effects miracles, but it gives new heart, and a whole new attitude. Doing the 33 day self-retreat of Marian consecration with P just before marriage has reaped such amazing graces that I can only repeat most emphatically, prayer works. Something I should never, ever, forget.

Stone 7 is hope. When my world implodes on itself, and I am devastated with grief or loss, hope is, as Emily Dickinson puts it, the thing with feathers that sings a tune in the fiercest storm. Hope keeps dreams alive, and hope has seen me through the worst travails of life. I know I can always hope in the Lord, for He has never failed to make a path for me to walk on when I hit a dead end. I have seen His hand working in my life and I know He will continue do the same in my future.

Stone 8 is trust. Hope and trust are close cousins for when one has trust, one displays a hopeful heart. Trust also means using one's judgement, sharpened through prayer, to make the right decision, especially in confusing and challenging times. I have found that trusting the Lord calls for practice, and that trust becomes easier as one's faith level grows. I liken my ability to trust to Peter's, very uneven. That is why Mother Mary is my model for she trusts even when she does not understand fully. I still have much to learn from her.

Stone 9 is mercy. It's very easy to bear grudges and hold onto to anger. But this is how I choose unhappiness. I have found it judicious to forgive, for anger and bitterness both curdle my insides, which is not good for my health, spiritually or otherwise. Forgiving is a good place to be and allows me to be merciful, first to myself, then to others.

Stone 10 is living out fully my baptismal office of priest, prophet and king. To reject evil and indifference, and to worship, witness and serve. I am called to evangelize through my life - my thoughts, my words, my deeds and my actions - and to make known the joys and wonders of following my Lord and Saviour, who died so that I am have eternal life.

Stone 11 is gratitude. Being grateful allows me to see the goodness of God in every circumstance, as well as to appreciate the beauty of life as I go about my day. Gratitude is the salt that enhances daily living, and brings joy, light and laughter. Gratitude helps me to be a better person, and a more cheerful one as well.

Stone 12 is love, the be all and end all of my existence. All the good things that love is in 1 Corinthians 13 is what I have desired all these years: patience, kindness, humility, generosity, selflessness and graciousness... I look to growing in love as P and I honour our matrimonial vows in the days and years to come. As Father Arro encouraged us during our nuptial mass, we need to love extravagantly, and with great exuberance. Just as the best wine was served at Cana, our marriage can be that miracle of water turned into wine if we both do whatever Jesus says, so that all may enjoy.

The power of 12 is perfection, completion. All P and I have to do is to keep tapping into the 12, and we will be more than fine.

Crown of beauty

These last two weeks I have been reflecting on crowns, a symbol of royalty, which is also your, and my inheritance. Do I want it? I don't always behave as if I do. Nor do I always believe I am deserving of my royal lineage.

Saint Maximilian Kolbe had a vision when he was 12. He saw the Mother of God holding out two crowns to him, a white one and a red one; white for purity and red for martyrdom. He accepted both, and lived his life accordingly. He is aptly named the Apostle of Consecration to Mary, and he died in Auschwitz when he voluntarily gave up his life for another who was condemned to die.

While I don't think I will ever have his fervour or courage, I am hoping that the white crown of purity will be mine, this crown of beauty, a royal diadem that Isaiah wrote about in chapter 62, for both P and I need it to ensure our marriage will be a true meeting of minds and heart; a union centred on Christ, with His mothe leading us to Him. May this crown of purity heal us, edify us, and help us grow more and more into the individuals we are created to be.

I wear a crown on my head.
It has been mine
since the day I was born.
Fashioned in gold,
intricately worked,
Encrusted with jewels,
crystalline and colourful.
How much you say it is worth?
Beyond priceless
Only because it was bought
Through, with, and
In the blood of the Lamb.
Although I sully it often,
prying out the stones,
Exchanging them
for worldly dross
It retains
a semblance of grace:
Imago dei
Nothing can separate us
from the love of Christ
Unless we disdain the gift.
So choose wisely
Every day.
Faith is not for the foolish
or faint-hearted.

I once gave away my crown
for far too long.
Lost my identity
My dignity
And my integrity.
Even wracked with pain,
I convinced myself
I was good.
I was fine!
Hey, I was free_
Rocking the pleasure principle.
A profligate prodigal
Gorging yet starving.
So don't believe
everything you hear
There is a hell, and sin
Will get you there.
It is true, you only live once.
Precisely why this life
must count for something.
Wear the crown with pride.
Labour with love
To make it shine
Let others bask in the glow
Of love's sweet sacrifice.
Don't stop!
Do not be afraid.
As it is proclaimed in 2:10*
Remain faithful until death
And I will give you the crown of life.

* The book of Revelations that we have been reading daily in the lectionary. 

Extraordinary Day of Mercy

Yesterday marked the end of the Extraordinary Year of Mercy. It was also the close of the liturgical year as we celebrated the Feast of Christ the King. Not only that, but it was a special day for P, and for me.

It started on many missteps: me waking up tired, then running late, and frantically trying to finish my chores on time, him oversleeping that led to a change in plans for us, getting lost on the way to an unfamiliar church, going to the wrong church for a baptism where I was godmother, bad weather... I was frazzled, to say the least, for my brain was on ditz overdrive - I really felt like a failure. It was only when I reflected back on the day, in the evening, that I could see all things were meant to be and we both received God's mercy as individuals, and as a couple. A precious gift of a day that turned out to be extraordinary!

When I first said Christ the King, P felt it was the wrong church and that we should be heading to one of the 'Holy Door' churches, but a small voice inside of me emphatically said Christ the King, so off we went to Christ the King. Besides praying in the adoration room, I was able to visit A's niche and pray for her. As I stood there in the columbarium, I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit very strongly (very unusual), and I felt that A was truly with Jesus in paradise; home, at peace and happy.

M happened to message me half an hour before our meeting time, and I, for some reason, decided then to check the venue, only to discover I was in the wrong church! Thanks to P, we made it, in good time, to Holy Cross, a 'Holy Door' church.

The baptism mass was Spirit-filled. Again I have never felt the presence of the Holy Spirit so palpably at a baptism, this was confirmed later by both M, and P, who actually stayed back for the mass, much to my surprise and delight (at the prompting of the said Spirit). It was a joyous occasion marked by beautiful singing, and a dedicated, enthusiastic service team. Jesus was in the house.

Many little things that mean a lot to me added to the joy of the day, such as the stained glass depicting the wedding at Cana (our wedding mass Gospel text), and the recessional hymn, Testify to Love. It brought back memories of how the W2W Ministry once celebrated International Woman's Day with a mass, where A, K and I danced to this song. It was a scary, but fun day, for it was something I had never done before, dance for the Lord in front of an unknown audience.

When we throw ourselves into life exuberantly, seeking first to do the Lord's will in everything, practising joyful obedience even when we are not quite sure why we do certain things, there is a payoff. As Father Michael Gaitley highlights in Day 12 of his booklet, 33 Days to Morning Glory, a do-it-yourself journey to Marian consecration, Maximilian Kolbe's formula for holiness is W+w=S: His Will in which we unite our wills to is what leads to sanctity. We become holy as He is holy.

As part of our spiritual preparation for marriage, P and I are doing this 33 day Marian consecration and I believe yesterday was just one of the gifts that comes directly from this consecration journey. The Holy Spirit is the one who directs us if we let Him. When P and I obeyed His urgings yesterday, we both received the graces of conviction and consolation. We both know Jesus is very present in our lives, and the Holy Spirit is our living proof.

I could hear the Father say, not just to M, but to me as well: This is my beloved in whom I am well pleased. A gold crown was offered; a crown I accept with joy, for it signifies a kinship between me and Christ, the King, one I boast of most proudly, and one I hope will grow stronger each passing day. Today, I give thanks by testifying to His infinite love and abundant mercy.

Mercy musings - vindication & salvation

As the Extraordinary Year of Mercy draws to an end soon, I look at my take aways: how has the year been for me, have I stretched enough to make a difference, and what should I continue to do beyond this year?

My Year began with reverse carolling in Mindoro last December and it was a good way to realize that everything I have comes from God, and to share what I have, as generously as possible, with those who have little or none. Although it may seem impossible to cure the world's ills, I cannot stop trying for Isaiah 61 is a mandate for daily living if I truly believe in Christ.

I am inspired by Father Caloy Paglicawan, who is a force of nature in his world, a force that has brought hope, faith and joy, the light of Christ into the darkness of poverty. He, and many others like him, are workers in the vineyard who make a difference in the lives of those around them. They choose to be a part of His people, and so do I.

Wherever God chooses to situate me, I will go. Sometimes this involves hard choices, and I cannot say I set out wholeheartedly (feeling inadequate, weary, and a little crazy come to mind), or whether I heed all the cries I hear, but I can only try sincerely. Simply to say yes and go, and let Him do the rest. This has become increasingly clear these past months for the way ahead will be characterized by tremendous change, something that requires from me much deeper reserves of faith, and more mercy all around.

In all his messages, the Pope usually encourages us to go beyond the letter of the law, especially on the topic of mercy. We first need to understand the law, but more than that, we need to inscribe it on our hearts, internalized it such that we are not fixated on executing it just so, or spend our time arguing minor points to prove we know it best, but to live it out fully in thoughts, words and deeds, quietly and humbly. The law is but a guide to confirm our actions when we are in doubt.

Lest we forget, love of God and others is what we should be shooting for, and in order to do this, we need humility, compassion, courage, patience, and an unwavering orientation towards forgiveness. B calls this my jubilee year and she is right for I have experienced reconciliation in a few key relationships that have gone sour for years where all I could do previously was to maintain as much a loving and forgiving attitude as possible. It has been arduous but with prayer as my modus operandi, I have managed to maintain my equilibrium and self-worth in order to do the right thing, knowing all the time that I could always do better, that is, be more loving and forgiving.

Striving for the spirit of the law has now become my preferred choice over a more legalistic way of doing things as it gives me more joy and inner peace. I do not waste my time figuring out if I have performed sufficiently but assume that I should go the distance as long as I do not cause harm to myself. And as the parable of the dutiful servant (Luke 17:7-10) reminds me, what I do is not particularly noteworthy for I am merely doing what I ought to do. No self appointed sainthood in the offing even as I take pleasure in being good and doing good, and making my Father smile.

The loss of J, the meeting of P, the illness of E, and then C, all the emotional ups and downs have made for a year where I often wished I did not love so much. And yet, life is all about love; as the hymn goes, to live is to love with all your heart. Love is my ethos so I am just going to go for it, despite the expected scrapes and bruises I will receive along the way. I will not fear the bad that comes with the good, but will celebrate both with appropriate equanimity. Many good things come out of the bad as history usually proves anyway.

A recurring lesson for me these past months is to hold everything lightly in my hands, whether it be joy, grief, peace, despair, anger, fear, bitterness, pride or satisfaction. This infers thanking the Lord in all situations, and the ability to be grateful - it has certainly helped me keep things on a more even keel, even in the massive tsunamis of disaster and loss.

Being good does not mean not having fun - goodness and pleasure are not mutually exclusive. I do tend to err on the side of serious and intense, demanding perfection of myself in whatever I do, becoming Martha-like self-righteous and querulous at times. So meeting P has been good for my soul for he makes me laugh and reminds me that keeping a sanguine frame of mind helps me be more tolerant and patient. I am learning not to take myself too seriously: to hold life loosely in my palms, and to walk lightly with an unburdened and listening heart.

Perhaps Saint Vincent de Paul says it best: If humble souls are contradicted, they remain calm; if they are calumniated, they suffer with patience; if they are little esteemed, neglected, or forgotten, they consider that their due; if they are weighed down with occupations, they perform them cheerfully.

Mercy will never go out of fashion. So I would like to continue walking in Christ's footsteps and help the poor, imprisoned and broken-hearted be restored to wholeness and liberation. In order to do this, I need to ensure that I, myself, am not impoverished, enslaved, or in despair. E told me recently that Isaiah 62 is mine this season. I will take that, the Father's loving vindication and salvation, and I look forward to my future - delight, marriage, holiness, to be sought after and not forgotten - just more of His mercy in my life, both on the receiving end, and in the giving.

Second spring

The old woman knew at a glance
Second spring!
She pronounced with delight
and a certain sweet gravitas.
The second time around
you already know how
an immature love can strangulate
pierce the heart mortally
when it degenerates into vinegar
descending into ashes
never to rise again.
The morning star shyly peeps
through the darkest fingers of dawn
Quietly casting a healing light
on hearts leached of hope.
A gentle rose, she exudes
an infectious joy and optimism
She whispers of the charms of
a mystical second naïveté 
This time, it is right - it is good.
The fire has sanctified and cleansed
yielding true intentions and pure hearts
Gaze upon the face of God,
drinking the most luscious wine ever
transformed from insipid water.
The promise of Cana beckons_
So let the dance of spring begin
The second time, like second wine, is best.

Casting out fear

Last weekend, when I had some time to be still and reflect, I came face to face with one single emotion: pure, unadulterated fear. I am absolutely petrified as I approach marriage.

I am not afraid that I am making the wrong decision for I know it is the right decision. I can see how P is, and will continue to be a great blessing in my life, as I can see how I am, and will continue to be a great blessing in his (a note to my fellow sisters, it is vastly important you know what you are worth, a lot, and how much you ought to be treasured, very much, by the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with). I can also see that our coming together has the Father's stamp of approval on it.

So why the heart-stopping fear? I would be a naive fool if I did not have any fears, some of which are quite legitimate, but this crazy colossal one comes from a place of shadows where my brokenness resides. It is a place where challenges are incredibly magnified, and situations are distorted beyond recognition and hope such that I fear I will fail miserably and lose everything I hold dear: my principles, my identity and my freedom.

I know it's hugely irrational and therefore I am glad I have been able to allow God to root Himself in me (thanks E) so that I have not reacted in a volatile or negative manner.

Two pieces of Scripture have come to my rescue. The first is Exodus 14:14: The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.

This promise has kept me going during some very low points in my life. No reason to doubt that He will continue to work miracles in my life, as He has done so in the past. I just have to trust, as P often tells me.

The other Word comes from Romans 12:12: Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times.

If I believe in Christ, and I say I do, then I should be like Joy in the movie Inside Out. Nothing can bring me down. I should radiate positivity and gentle calm even when chaos descends. So it's through Him, with Him and in Him - it's the only way.

When I put my fears aside, I can say that these have been the happiest days of my life. P brings depth and richness to my existence. He makes my being sing. The sweetest moment in my day is when he turns and smiles in greeting to me when we meet for morning mass at Blessed Sacrament. Sitting, standing and kneeling next to him, worshipping God as a couple, affords such strength to the relationship as we allow Jesus to be the one who binds us together in love.

So what am I afraid of again? Life is good, not perfect, as it can never be, but very good. And that should be enough to make my fears disappear for as we all know in 1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear... and that perfect love can be mine through Christ. No fear.

Commitment happy

One of the key characteristics of a missionary disciple is the ability to embrace change, to go where the Spirit leads, often living in the mystery of life, and God, with no clear-cut answers, except an unwavering fidelity to the Lord, and a bold yes to go where few ever dare venture, time and time again.  

We celebrated Mission Sunday yesterday and I took my commitment as an Associate of the ICPE Mission here in Singapore, a change from taking my covenant as a Companion, which I did three years ago. It was a bittersweet moment, a hint of longing mixed in with the joy and eager anticipation. I will be getting married soon and the nuptial covenant will then become the primary covenant that I have chosen to undertake the rest of my life. All other covenants I will take must follow this sacramental covenant, for P and I will become one in matrimony, and we will move forward as one heart, one mind, and one voice.

It was love of my spiritual brothers and sisters, and my regard for the ICPE Mission and what it stands for, that held me back initially from making the transition from Companion to Associate. Change is hard when emotions are involved. I had to grapple hard to make the right decision in earlier weeks. Through the ICPE Mission, I encountered Jesus in such a real, intimate and profound way that I was transformed completely. I gave my life over to Jesus and have followed Him ever since. ICPE spirituality has shaped and formed my spirituality, and my spiritual and emotional maturity owes a great deal to the ICPE Mission and what it espouses, this radical love for Jesus.

When we choose to give freely and generously of ourselves to God, He responds by giving us more than we could ever have imagined, more love, more joy, more peace, just more of everything that makes life rich, fulfilling and complete. If we are faithful, He reciprocates in ways that are beyond our expectations. Jesus, my Bridegroom, has been the most tender, caring, self-giving husband a woman could ever want. He knows exactly what I need and His nurturing love has given me the confidence to fly high and be the best I could ever be in terms of living up to my human potential. His love for me knows no bounds and the gift of P in my life is a testament to that love.

Whether I am Associate or Companion, whether I am single or married, I am this unique, individual creature He made. I have not changed fundamentally. I am still the same woman who loves with all her being, who has learned to wear her feelings as a badge of honour, and to allow them to move her to small and great acts of love every day. I am the same me who strives to be a better person daily, to be as wise and compassionate as Jesus was.

I do not love my ICPE brothers and sisters any less than I did yesterday for the bonds of love forged in Christ already exist. I remain committed to the ICPE ideals of knowing Christ and making Christ known, for I still desire to bring the love and joy of God to His people, near and far. I still wish to be the catalyst that brings others back into the Father's loving arms: to reunite the prodigals, reacquaint the lost and lonely with the mercy and tenderness of God. I want to be His hands and feet, to bring comfort and healing, wherever it is needed. I aspire to enable others to have a personal and transformational encounter with Jesus as I myself first experienced all those years ago.

Jesus lives today, in our lives, and He suffers and cries together with us when we suffer and cry, as He rejoices with us when we are happy. He never abandons us, and He is always waiting for us to discover Him. This truth of Christian love never gets old for we all seek this everlasting, unconditional love, whether we recognize it or not. We all need Him in our lives, all the time, whether we acknowledge it or not. My wish is for everyone to experience the joy of this truth.

I am a missionary disciple, and if I call myself one, I must think and act like one. So I look to the future, the future He has planned for me, and I say an unqualified yes to allowing him to use me as He wills. As I wrote and signed in my commitment as Associate yesterday, this commitment reflects not only my fidelity to my soon-to-be spouse, P, and my spiritual family, ICPE Mission, but to my Lord and my God.

So whatever comes my way, I have the strength of my commitment, my yes to the One who loved me first, to propel me forward, with a smile on my face and a lightness of heart.

The mystery of joy

Seeing as how Mother Mary was instrumental in my meeting P, our courtship has been one of growing our relationship not just with each other, but with our Mother (and with Jesus, her son) as well. At every turning point she has been there to guide us on the way forward, smoothing out the rough bits, encouraging us to listen to her son, and to do as He says.

My prayer life has deepened these past months, especially as I began to pray the rosary more consistently, alongside my other preferred methods of prayer. More than ever, I need the gentle wisdom of Our Lady to navigate the uncharted waters of marriage which I am fast approaching, for having worn the independence of singlehood so long, the challenge of permanent union can be daunting. I fret, I chafe, I grumble and rumble, even as I am awed, grateful, overjoyed and healed by my relationship with P.

Recently as I prayed the Joyful Mysteries, I reflected that the events in themselves did not exactly represent joy. Or rather, joy is not a momentary, serendipitous feeling like happiness that comes from winning a lottery, or acquiring a much sought after bag at half price.

Joy requires you to work at it, to chip away with childlike trust the, at times, thorny exterior of pain and uncertainty, only to reveal the precious, gleaming kernel of Godseed within, the truth of abundant, divine love.

Joy is a process of sifting out the chaff, a movement from dark to light; from the sorrow of living in a fallen world to the redemptive grace of the Lord's mercy. Joy is saying yes to His will and His ways, even when one is unsure and fearful, or mired in grief. Joy comes from having the faith and fortitude to say Thy will be done, again and again, even when it requires sacrifice and privation, a constant dying to self.

We have only to look at the events of the Joyful Mysteries to understand the essence,of joy: the annunciation, the visitation, the nativity, the presentation at the temple and the finding of boy Jesus in the temple. All these mysteries are events, which at the time of happening, could not have evoked pure joy, with the exception of the visitation where the cousins, Mary and Elizabeth find pleasure in reunion and communion. Even so, pregnancy was not an ideal state for a single woman to find herself in.

If an angel spoke to me of an impossible situation I'd soon find myself in, I would either run away in fear, or reject the idea outright. Childbirth is painful, by all accounts, not to be combined with the unthinkable experience of giving birth next to livestock housed in a manger. I would push crazy, old Simeon away for casting a shadow on my son's important day with his dire ramblings. And I would smack my son for giving me lip after making me anxious with his disappearing act. The joy, if any, came in a rush of conflicting emotions.

So Mother Mary is to be greatly admired for being able to cut through all the fluff and arriving at the essential truth, time after time. She could only do so by maintaining a disposition receptive to the delicate nuances of the Holy Spirit's guiding hand. When she did not understand, she allowed the mystery of the moment to sit within her quietly and unfurl its petals in due course. She did not use the brute force of limited human understanding or ego to gain instant gratification. She meditated. She contemplated. She let the Father speak to her in his own words and fashion. She was open. Full of grace. Full of joy.

I have been practising Mary's receptive disposition, not always with immediate success, but I find that when one persists in prayer, the negativity that comes from nitpicky, perfectionistic expectations does give way to a more expansive and life-giving generosity. I can let go of my obstinate and legalistic views, and enjoy what I have been given.

I am able to appreciate the beauty of an imperfect human moment. And I can celebrate the fragile and temporal music I hear to sing a magnificat of praise with joy.

Prized purity

It's been a while since I have posted a blog entry, not from want of trying for I have half-written pieces of writing waiting to be finished on my iPad. It's just been a really busy period with P and I doing couple-y things such as preparing his home for me to move into after the wedding, attending social functions as a couple, getting to know each other's families better, and just us getting to know each other more and more (and loving every minute of it, even the speed bumps and detours).

Courtship is tiring, delightful as it is. It does not help that, separately, we have our own commitments, work and social, but one thing is clear, we are both focused on making time for Jesus, in spite of, or should I say, because of our relationship and all it entails.

Given my OCD tendencies, I fear that I may neglect Jesus, seeing as P does occupy a lot of my head space, taking up both my psychic and affective energy. I therefore try hard to strike the balance, going for daily mass, praying not just my devotional and intercessory prayers, but also finding the time to frequent the adoration room, and sit in silence with Jesus.

During the New Wineskins Conference last month, Father Terence spoke of the importance of setting aside one full hour to pray, especially if we are in ministry. It's not enough to pray in short bursts through the day, intoning intentionally my chosen set of daily prayer. It is imperative to reserve an hour for the Lord, to soak in His love, and know who I am in His eyes. Otherwise, I cannot engage effectively in mission. I will get exhausted under the constant barrage of bad news, things to do, and the needs of those around me. It was a good reminder.

My mission has not changed, even though I am entering into a new vocation of marriage soon. I am still called to be salt and light in the world in a particular way, to bring the joy of the Lord, the singularity of the Good News, which I, myself, experience every day, to others. Of course, given our imminent union, P and I are often the recipients of said salt and light as we spend time together, and care for each other with burgeoning affection.

When I last met my SD, he asked me what I would like to ask for before I received absolution from the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and I replied I desired a purity of heart and mind.

Being able to love P as Jesus loves Him, is of utmost importance to me. This purity I ask for is the purity of unconditional and total self-giving love.

It is the ability to love P without fear of being hurt, with naked honesty and vulnerability.

It is the courage to love P despite the despair I sometimes feel at what I perceive as obstacles or great challenges.

It is the confidence to go ahead as if I were Daniel in the lion's den, knowing full well that the Lord will protect and bless me , especially in my helplessness.

It is the simplicity of knowing that love, God's brand of love, is enough; for perfect love casts out all fears.

Purity of heart gives me the wisdom to know how to love P, but at the same time, how to safeguard the relationship against our using each other in a selfish manner.

As the relationship develops and unfolds, I am grateful P and I are united in nourishing our faith daily and in cultivating attentive and open hearts. May Mother Mary, who brought us together, continue to inspire us with her humility and her fiat, and may we heed her advice to do whatever He tells us. 

Redefining pilgrimage

P and I were planning to go on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land during this period but it was not to be. As we had already taken the requisite leave, we decided to take the time off anyway and it has been a blessed time of great discovery, shared experiences, deeper bonding, and preparation for the wedding. Is there such a thing as a pre-honeymoon? These days could not be sweeter, especially since Jesus and Mary have been our spiritual directors on our stay-home pilgrimage.

Nativity road trip
She said to us go and see
It was her birthday so we couldn't say no
To an adventure that began in the west,
Seven spots round the island, and
Back to where it all began,
A birth, a yes, and a child that was born.
Sometimes, pilgrimages begin at home
Where the familiar takes on new perspectives.
The road less travelled reveals
A host of companions to journey with us
On the nuptial marathon that has just begun. 
Even as we cleave to each other it's wise
To rely on the wisdom of others.
Pray for us who have recourse to you.

Mercy journey
It is amazing how generous God is
To those who pass through the Holy Door of Mercy
Seeking only to see His face, and 
Receiving much-needed graces, bread, for the journey.
We first arrived in Cana and beheld
The luminous Holy Cross. My Beloved.
O Lord, you search me and you know me,
Your mother's presence points the way to You.
White roses scent the pristine interior
Foretelling the sweetness that is to come.
While saints of mercy smile upon us,
Namely JP2, Faustina and Teresa of C.
As we meditated on your Sacred Heart, 
Our day turned Joyful and Glorious.
'Blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy'
We will do well to remember this
Becoming holy doors of mercy ourselves
Leading others closer, and with joy, to You.

Falling in love again

It was a joy and privilege to have Silvana Abela spend an evening with us last Wednesday on her way back to Mannheim. We had dinner followed by an informal sharing by Silvana who spoke of things that she was inspired by the Spirit to reveal to us. She reminisced of the first time she fell in love with Jesus at an ICPE School and now she gave her life completely to the Lord.

Before this moment, she already had a vocation as a nun which meant she had an existing faith journey, but she was now called to a new radicality, to step out of the boat and walk on water. Silvana shared that in the initial honeymoon phase, all things were possible for she was so in love with Christ and His people, the whole world, that she was open to go wherever He wanted her to go. She was malleable and formable. She was now not only a missionary (a vocation she said yes to as a religious), but she was a missionary disciple, a person who follows Jesus, and does whatever He tells her.

When I think back on my own encounter with Jesus, the moment I drank the living water He offered me, I can relate to what Silvana speaks of, the deep joy, peace, and abandonment to a love that satisfies completely. It is ironic that she calls it the honeymoon phase for it is not what the world usually defines honeymoon. By definition, the honeymoon is a holiday undertaken by a newly married couple and it infers a romantic and joyous time, a period of deep bonding as one, snapshots of beautiful moments filled with frivolity and laughter.

In that definitive moment I said yes to Jesus, I knew it was the right thing for me although the yes was going to be the beginning of a very painful and confusing period in my life. I said yes to sanctification; and making holy what has been unholy for years is excruciating, difficult, filled with great internal struggle and requires unbelievable discipline and perseverance.

Father Hung spoke of what is required for a successful retreat, openness and courage, a generosity of spirit on our part so that God can reveal to us the truth of how much He loves us and what He wants for us. What he suggested as necessary for a good retreat is really what is required for the life of someone who wants to follow Jesus. A disciple.

So why did I continue to say to Jesus all these years when it has been such a difficult journey, when I have had to be humbled again and again, to die to self in so many ways, to experience privation, persecution and alienation? Why did I allow the vine dresser to train me and prune me? Why did I allow myself to depend on God so completely, to give Him complete control of my life when I am such a control freak?

I have only one answer: He is my Lord and my God. When I put my hand on His wound, like Thomas, I knew how unworthy and undeserving I was to be saved and yet, He loves me with such depth, purity and true generosity that I cannot help myself but say yes. And it has also been an awesome, joyful, grace-filled journey despite the hardships and travails.

As we all know, the honeymoon phase does not last. We lose our zeal, we become fat and complacent, we even fall out of love, we can become bitter and angry and contract again into our natural selfish and stubborn ways. Life will always hurl itself at us and hit us where it hurts, knock us down and distract us away from God. So how do we regain this disposition of being in love teachable every day?

Silvana spoke of prayer, as defined by the Catechism of the Catholic Church in paragraph 2560:

"If you knew the gift of God!" The wonder of prayer is revealed beside the well where we come seeking water: there, Christ comes to meet every human being. It is he who first seeks us and asks us for a drink. Jesus thirsts; his asking arises from the depths of God's desire for us. Whether we realize it or not, prayer is the encounter of God's thirst with ours. God thirsts that we may thirst for him.

I relate very much to the woman at the well for it was in encountering the thirsty Jesus that I came to understand my own thirst and what it took to quench it. So all these years I have allowed my subsequent and frequent meetings with Jesus to nourish me and keep me satisfied. But He thirsts for me to have an even deeper relationship with Him, to experience even greater joy, a joy that can only be found in marriage. And so, here I am, falling in love with Jesus all over again by falling in love with P and saying yes to marrying him.

It is the scariest undertaking of my life, and  I see myself entering another honeymoon phase of crazy highs and lows, but it is irresistible, and when all is said and done, I am a fool for love. I look forward to knowing the gift of God more and more in P, even as I slake my thirst by resting in His word even more frequently. 

Revealing beauty

N shared this with me recently that living honestly will lead to vulnerability which is all about authenticity and beauty in relationships. This weekend past, P and I were at a Couple Retreat facilitated by Father Pham Hung Trung at Kingsmead Centre For Ignatian Spirituality & Counselling and it was an opportunity for P and I to share honestly, taking off the masks we normally wear to protect ourselves.

Although the retreat was more for married couples, I felt that P and I gained a lot just by being among three other Christian couples who clearly loved and respected their respective spouses despite the challenges of marriage, and sought the good of the other sincerely. I was inspired and encouraged by their journeys and how each couple surrendered their lives to Christ in living out the vocation of marriage. It was by no means easy, there was struggle, conflict, deep hurt inflicted, but alongside was the desire to stay true to the marital covenant, and that made all the difference.

While P and I have yet to delve so deeply into the bowels of married life, I gained insight and learned how much my anxieties and fears needed to be shared with P, to allow him to respond. I also discovered just how much P loved me and I felt very blessed to know that this man will soon be my husband.

The mask-making was a fun exercise in itself and when we later removed our masks to explore the naked contours of the other's face, there was such grace in the time we spent caressing the other's cheeks, forehead, nose, chin and mouth tenderly. Every touch was a declaration of love, a blessing we bestowed on our beloved. Perhaps the most powerful thing P and I have done as a couple was the celebration of the Eucharist this afternoon, followed by the renewal of marital vows by the others, which for P and myself, became the opportunity to exchange personalized pre-nuptial vows.

Heartfelt words declared in the presence of Christ and others become powerful truths that bless and protect the relationship. I can see why it is important to celebrate the wedding day by inviting friends and family to be present and witness the permanent bonding of a couple who then become an icon of God's faithful, total and unconditional love. We later took turns to bless each couple present by praying for them, yet another rich experience filled with the Spirit of God.

Although we know we love each other and we have opportunity in our day-to-day living to express our love for the other, we typically, as a couple, do not avail ourselves of the opportunities to do so, focused as we are usually on the practicalities of life and its pressing issues that often distract us and require our attention and energy. Thus, it is nice to set aside time specially to have couple time, and to also include God in a special way in our couple time.

Whenever we open ourselves to receiving Jesus in our hearts, He will honour the invitation by entering into the deepest places, shedding the light of His love to transform and empower us. It was fitting that this was a Jesuit-run retreat for I managed to see God in all things and situations, even the first morning when P had to be somewhere else and I was initially dismayed but put on my supportive game face. My learning lesson was that things will never go as planned but if I opt to be loving, setting aside my own fears and choose to surrender the undesired change with graciousness, then I will be doubly blessed, and I was, so was P. It cannot get better than that.

As P and I continue to walk towards marriage, I hold the experience of this retreat in my memory as a milestone in a deeper understanding of who we are individually and as a couple; in growing bonds of intimacy so necessary for a strong marriage; and I walk away with a sense of gratitude and excitement for the adventure ahead. I understand P a little better and I have a clearer sense of how to make him happy, which I so desire but am often clueless as to how to communicate this desire effectively in concrete terms.

E shared something about his mission at our last ICPE Companions outreach which I thought profound, that as husband and father he needed to ensure that his wife and children get to heaven. I view my mission with the same seriousness and I hope that I will bring love, joy, pleasure and lots of laughter in my newly defined role, thereby creating heaven on earth, and making the journey to heaven one filled with authenticity and beauty.

Identifying THE one

W asked me, how do you know that P is THE one? I suppose we all seek for formulae or prescriptions when looking for love, especially when it comes to the ultimate expression of love between man and woman, the permanent bond of marriage.  As I tried my best to explain, I realize that my answer although part rational, part practical, part intuitive, also had a huge spiritual component to it, and, ultimately had an element of blind faith. Any marriage is a leap of faith no matter how the couple arrive at the altar, and it requires many more leaps of faith to keep it going strong, especially when the relationship encounters the troughs that it will.

I recently read an article that debunked the idea God chose our mates for us for it would mean we could not exercise the gift of freedom and that we would discount love in the decision, among the many reasons. I smiled when I read this for whether or not we agree God chooses someone for each of us, it is not as clear cut as all that.

When I initially realized that P could be the one that God has placed before me as husband material, the romantic in me rebelled against the idea that we, as a couple, out of obedience to God, would marry. It was too clinical. P was dead sure and while it was nice to be pursued by a man who knew what and who he wanted, I did not want to be the one he chose just because the Father said I chose her for you. He needed to choose me for himself, and I, him. I liked the idea of God being our matchmaker for it gave me such reassurance, and yet, where is my freedom in all this, where is the romance?  Here is also why men will never understand women, we like to complicate things.

P commented to me last night, the Lord can be mischievous, and he's right. As we got to know each other better, as we prayed individually for our own signs to confirm that the relationship was right, as we remained biddable to His promptings, He did a number on us, we fell in love, a dangerous (love being blind), but I'd like to think necessary state of being as we journey toward marriage.

I like many things about P. In many areas we are compatible, similar. We also have the same goals and aspirations, we are guided by the same principles in life, and what we want for our life together is to joyfully consecrate our lives to Jesus. So marriage is a choice we have arrived at freely. Even though we know Jesus, through His mother, has been instrumental in bringing us together, we have counted the costs, we know each other's weaknesses, our differences, and we clearly see the obstacles ahead. And, we still say yes to each other. We have grown to love each other, and we trust that in Christ, we will always find our way in our walk of life together.

So how do I know P is the one? When I 'see' him, the essence of the man he is, he strikes a tender chord within me. He moves me and evokes a profound response in me, a deep calling unto deep that I struggle to put into words. To put it simply, I love him for the flawed, broken, imperfect man he is, the one who still tries hard to be good every day, the man after God's own heart, who moves in His Spirit. What's more, he makes me smile. He makes me laugh.

In practical terms I know that P is the one because he loves and respects me for who I am and what I stand for. He gives me the freedom and space to breathe and grow. He does not try to change me and he supports me in all my endeavours. I, of course, try to reciprocate fully. We both want what is best for the other and we are happy to make the necessary sacrifices for each other's well-being. We do not use each other, and we take delight in the other's presence. Love for the long haul must be honest, truthful, unselfish, generous, self-giving, forgiving, caring and nurturing. If a man cannot be all this, especially in the initial stages of the relationship, best walk away. He is probably not the one. It is as simple as that.  Hope this helps, W. 

Letting Him in

I have just spent an entire week mourning a decision I had to make recently. Prior to that I was living in denial for I refused to give up what I perceived as very dear to me and I feared, still fear, that in giving it up, it may change me for the worse. But of course when I finally took it in prayer, I knew what it was that I needed to do. It would seem like too great a price to let go, and yet, it is only in letting go that the promises of Christ can be fulfilled in my life. And so, day by day, I relinquish control, my security, my comfort level and my happiness, into His hands.

I am standing outside the door of your heart, knocking*
Won't you let me in?
I bring only the joy you have longed for
Your entire life
The deep union of when two become one.
I know that you have been hurt before, and yes,
It is risky, and it will be painful
But it will also be the making of you.
You will grow and you will enjoy the fruit
You will labour to bring forth,
Delicious, fragrant globes of goodness
All can enjoy.
You have to put out into the deep. Trust.
Open the door and let the light flood in.
Be bold, be brave, do not be afraid,
Let me in. 

* Inspired by Revelations 3:20

Living essentially

P made this comment to me yesterday, that it must have been very difficult for me to walk away from corporate life and all its financial comforts given how I do like nice things, or should I say I like things that usually cost a pretty penny (I have this uncanny knack of liking and picking out the most expensive merchandise in any shop I walk into).

I smiled inwardly. Actually it was, is, not as difficult as he thinks. I have never been into prestige or symbols of wealth even though I do appreciate quality and good design. What's more, I do not have the need to possess everything I like, I am quite happy to live vicariously, admiring what others have - C's Kelly and Birkin bags, AS's magnificent jewellery or S's Porsche - occasionally benefitting from it myself (it's nice to ride in S's "small" car from time to time).

Very early on in life I came to the conclusion that things do not make me happy, it's people, relationships, and most of all, being in right relationship with God, that matters. So while the lean years that followed my decision to leave the corporate world were not easy ones, I gained in many other ways and I was content with what I had. I experienced divine providence many times over and I could express great wonder and gratitude at how the Lord provided for me through the people around me. I can truly say I have good friends and relatives, who are very loving and generous with me. I wanted for nothing in those financially straitened years, and even now, I consider myself very blessed.

In today's Gospel from Luke 12:13-21 we are reminded not to let avarice lead us to storing up treasures for ourselves but to work on getting rich in the eyes of God. Father Bosco cautioned against conscious and unconscious attachments to material wealth, power, status or acclaim, anything that leads us away from God. He stressed that we strive to look for what is essential in life and prioritize accordingly.

What is essential is often much less than we think. I would say I have been given the grace to learn to live essentially these past years. Food, shelter and love, these are my essentials, and I rely on God to provide all three. I cut my cloth according to what I receive, and so if I cannot afford it, I do without it for my happiness is not predicated on material possessions. Furthermore, it should not matter to the people I call friends if I dress simply, and we eat out at cheaper places when I buy lunch.

My dignity and self-worth do not depend on external accoutrements to puff it up. In my Father's eyes, I am precious and beautiful naked. His is the only approval I seek, His plan for me is the only one I do my best to execute, knowing that it is in His plan that my fulfilment and happiness lie.

My last 13 years are a testament to living essentially for the Lord in all areas (I try) of my life. To do whatever He tells me. Total obedience is never easy when one is as strong willed as I am, so it's a good thing I spend a lot of time listening in prayer and have, over the years, developed a sensitivity to the movements of the Spirit in my heart.

My riches in God come from doing what He created me to do, by pursuing my passions, and living exuberantly. Walking the narrow path is not all about great sacrifice and strict discipline, it is also about utter fulfilment, deep inner peace and a sense of lasting joy that comes from being in union with Jesus. Therefore I have no plans to deviate from the narrow path, and I continue to look to Jesus to help me strip away the vanities that camouflage my real being, who is the woman who needs very little even when she receives a lot.

Commitment ready

It seems to be the season for commitments and covenants. First, ICPE Mission's Woman to Woman Ministry is looking for a three-year commitment from each of us in the attempt to help us deepen our respective faith walks. Then the three-year covenant I took with ICPE Mission's Companions is soon up for renewal and each of us is now discerning on next steps. And finally, I am journeying towards soon taking the lifetime covenant of marriage with P.    

D led us to reflect on what commitment means to each of us last Friday evening and why we made commitments. She reminded us that we are bound by our commitments and they dictate how we think, sound and act. When it comes to commitment, quitting is not an option, and we keep going at it even when the going gets tough or when we do not feel up to it. And, we must go beyond counting the costs once we say yes, continuing to sacrifice time and effort in living our commitments out daily.

Motivational speaker Zig Ziglar said: It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through.

So why bother so much with commitment when it requires such effort and real discipline? I do it because I believe in love, and commitment is the foundation of love, and of all meaningful relationships. Without commitment, I would drift from one desire to another, prioritizing selfishly and making only hedonistic goals in life. Moreover, I would not grow emotionally or spiritually.

From the beginning, God calls us into relationship with Him. As can be seen from salvation history, God continuously invites us into covenantal relationship. Through Jesus, He continues to give us a new spirit, writing the law of covenant in our hearts. The way we can live out our covenantal relationship with God fully is to rely on the Holy Spirit, His gift to us, to animate us to build healthy relationships with others, for we are called to love others by extending charity in our actions and interactions with all whom we meet.

If I follow Jesus, commitment underpins every action in my life, the will to love and to serve out of love. Springing from this one desire to love as Jesus does, my life is a web of relationships connected through my daily offering of life-giving words and actions. Truth and Mercy are my constant twin companions who guide me in living out my intentions well.

Reflecting on my 12 plus years with the W2W Ministry, it has been an extraordinary season of grace. It has been a time of laughter and tears, great spiritual growth, and connecting with other women I would not ordinarily have done so, drawing strength from them. We quench our thirst from the well of our shared life experiences and set out again on our personal journeys, refreshed, inspired and empowered. The upcoming three-year commitment to me is a no-brainer for I am passionate about helping women (myself included) to live out their true potential by developing their feminine genius and so remain committed. W2W is my spiritual hometown and I still choose to reside here.

My sojourn with the ICPE Mission's Companions in Singapore has been awesome in many ways - the bonds built, the learning, the sharing, the witness of life, it has all been good. To walk and serve with others who share the same vision and mission in life, who live out the charisms of worship and evangelization so concretely has been like travelling on the faith bullet train. Similarly I say yes to renewing my covenant, knowing I need to remain open to God's creativity in answering the desire in my heart for community and to keep following His lead for I will also be taking the covenant of marriage soon.

Speaking of marriage, I approach the marital covenant with eagerness laced with splashes of trepidation. My SD shared that courtship is a treasure hunt where P and I find what is beautiful, good and great about each other and it has indeed been so. Our courtship is a celebration of life at its best, full of joy, and an affirmation of God's abundant and merciful love. I am hopeful that marriage will continue to unearth many treasures that will delight our senses and deepen our love for each other, for Jesus will be at the centre of our relationship as He is now, and He will be the glue that binds us. I say this knowing that there will be challenges ahead, and yet, I am confident that P and I will meet them head on, with Jesus by our sides.

So this is the key component of every formal and informal commitment and covenant we take in life, that we put God in the heart of it all, that we allow Jesus to guide us always, and that we intentionally act in the Spirit of unconditional, forgiving and nurturing love. If we do this, then despite the challenges, struggles and conflicts we encounter along the way, we will enable divine grace to make all things new, beautiful and perfect.  

Heavens' prayer

Last Friday PT did a meditation on prayer and asked me and the other women present at our Woman to Woman Ministry meeting what prayer means for each of us (we have begun a new season of discernment leading to a commitment for spiritual growth)?

At this moment, prayer is my heart cry to God, where I sit in openness and vulnerability, to be able to see myself through His eyes. S's recent word for me speaks volumes as well: To approach and sit at the Lord's feet, breaking the brittle alabaster jar of my fears and stubborn pride again and again to anoint Jesus' feet with the perfume of my being, the pleasing and treasured aspects of my womanhood, adding to it the tears of my shortcomings, my failures and my sinful nature as gift to Him; then drying His feet with my tresses of humility, repentance and gratitude.

Apart from contemplation, I also see prayer very much as an opportunity to be part of the healing He wishes to bestow on all of us, his children. As an intercessor, I can offer up the people and situations that touch my life, and surrender them into His care. My faith will stand in the gap of those who have lost hope or have turned away from Him, to bring the miracle of the Holy Spirit's healing into their lives.

When I was asked to pick a landscape that best represents my prayer life*, I picked the night sky because it represents infinite possibilities in its immensity, even in the darkness.

She then asked what am I saying to God when I choose this landscape to describe my prayer life? Rudolph Otto's idea of the Holy comes to mind: mysterium tremendum and mysterium fascinosum, a scary mystery and a very alluring mystery. Otto proposes that an authentic experience of the Holy is one where I find myself in a liminal space that is at once extremely uncomfortable and yet I feel right at home in, despite being there for the very first time.

I can't help but map my spiritual life to the lived reality of my relationship with P for marriage is the icon of how love between God and us humans should be: total, unconditional, infinite and selfless. The Lord always invites us into relationship with Him and we are given the freedom to say yes, or to say no to his proposal. Likewise, in marriage, we are invited to say yes to each other and no other love relationship is as sublime as it is challenging for it asks for much from the parties involved. As my journey towards marriage is very much for me an experience of the Holy, I should not be surprised at the contradictory, ever-changing state of being I find myself, and I am learning to appreciate the various thresholds I pass through, making the most of them.

So what is God saying to me in this landscape? Stop struggling so much. Be still. Just sit at my feet and listen, for I will do everything to break down the walls and let the light shine in. Be open. Trust. Hope. Believe. I have to remember that even in the outer space of the great unknown, I know who I am, and to therefore allow myself to meet God exactly where I am, without giving into the temptation to second guess or run ahead of myself, or worse, to take matters into my own hands. I need to be an open and joyful receiver of divine grace.

PT then asked: If I were to go deeper in my prayer life, how might my landscape change? And after the change what would my landscape look like now?

I would definitely start to see more stars lighting up the night sky and I would be able to recognize the different constellations, and use them to help me orientate my way towards God, walking where He wants me to go. At the same time, I would derive joy from the beauty I find in the stars, gratitude from being able to navigate in the dark, and awe at how the Creator has made a path in the wilderness for me to walk.

Inherent in God's mystery is the invitation to go deeper always. The Abrahamic covenant whispers softly of God's promises of riches, fruitfulness, and unity. It promises a multitude of great blessings. So if I say yes what is the one thing I can do to go deeper? What can I commit to in order to get there?

The answer is clear to me. What about you?

                                                         
* The suggested landscapes were river, forest, cave and night sky, adapted from Margaret Silf's Landscapes of Prayer.

Peace and harmony

A asked me last evening, what is your desire for your life in this new year and I replied harmony, after some thought. Before harmony can flow, there must first be peace, a peace within myself when my world is spinning and expanding in new, exciting, yet terrifying ways that throw me off kilter. After years of relative calm and stability, the great unknown yawns before me and I am not in a place of comfort. I am full of joy, but I am scared in equal parts.

I feel like Abraham who hears the Lord speak of covenant, a promise of greatness and abundance unimaginable. It is awesome, a dream come true, for the covenant is a bond of love I desire deeply, and yet, it signifies an epic journey and requires a great leap of faith that will propel me into a different stratosphere, one I have not existed in before. Am I up to it? I'd be lying if I said I was wholly confident, but I have said yes with my hand on my heart, and I trust that I will be given the inner resources of the Spirit to carve out a new path that lights the way not just for myself, but for those He has brought into my life.

Going by recent months, I have needed to find peace in my heart by listening to the one voice that matters, filtering out all the voices, my own included, that bring confusion and internal chaos. More than ever, the way forward speaks of the necessity of internal equilibrium that will allow me to act with wisdom and build peace and harmony, as I have always sought to do in life, wherever I find myself. Peace must first begin with me.

In today's second reading Saint Paul reminds the Colossians (1:15-20) that in Christ alone is perfection found, and that all things are to be reconciled through him and for him, whether on earth or in heaven, for Jesus made peace by his death on the cross. As I proclaimed these words today at mass, I felt that they were intended just for me. The only way for peace is through Jesus, laying down my fears and my insecurities, my will and my pride at the foot of His cross. The only way to new life is death of the old ways, my old life.

I like that the liturgy is a constant paean of peace:

Peace be with you. 

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to people of good will.

Deliver us, Lord, we pray, from every evil, graciously grant us peace in our days...

Lord Jesus Christ, who said to your Apostles: Peace I leave you, my peace I give you; look not on our sins, but on the faith of your Church, and graciously grant her peace and unity in accordance with your will.

The peace of the Lord be with you always.

Let us offer each other a sign of peace.

The peace of Christ, in Scripture and in the Eucharist, is my gift to the world, only if I first accept this gift with open hands and heart. As Moses reminds the people in Deuteronomy 30:10-14, the Law is not beyond my strength or reach, but it is near me, the Word is in my mouth and in my heart for my observance.

When I do accept the gift of Christ's peace, I find myself less shaken by the noises and distractions of the world. Even if I may not have reconciled myself fully to a situation, I can still speak affirming words of peace and act them out in my life with sincerity. This is the power of the cross, to be able to crucify my own wants and needs so that I can act selflessly, like the Good Samaritan did in today's Gospel. Most of all, to  do everything with such grace that no one knows just how much sacrifice it entails. This is peace building at its best.

As P and I find our stride in our relationship, we rely on Christ to help us create peace and harmony in our relationship despite our inevitable differences, and to seek a peace that is not placatory in nature and gesture, but a genuine effort that smacks purely of love and freedom. 

Words to live by

There are two words that best represent my year that began last July: obedience and providence. When I ignored the promptings of my heart, staying away from "duty", I paid the price for it. I caused anger and deep hurt to someone who has since passed on. God was kind and I was able to salvage the situation before it was too late. Despite the difficult situation and the dread I felt in attempting to make reparations, He led my actions and I was able to bless AM and receive her blessing in return. Never mind that everybody else regards me as intransigent and unruly.

In instances where I obeyed even though I was unwilling initially, the Lord provided in ways I never thought possible, one example being my trip to Malta and Rome last year. I still reap the benefits of that trip in countless, indefinable ways, mostly connected to relationships, both old and new.

Obedience to the Spirit is easy most times, when one is guided by a sound value system. One knows what one ought to do, and often, one makes the right choices quite naturally, even unconsciously. However, making the right choices must come from a place of freedom, and not be duty bound.

This can only happen when I open myself to receive love from the Father, and in experiencing the joy of being loved and treasured for who I am, I can choose to love difficult people and be loving in tough situations, without feeling I am the martyr, or short-changed in any way. Loving in freedom allows me to love with joy. I can act with no expectation of reciprocity. Thus, even when I meet hostility, I am unfazed. My self-worth is unshaken, my ego unbruised (it's a process but I get there eventually).

Sometimes I do forget to trust that my Father knows best and I try to go it alone, relying on my own intellect and ability, that's where things always go wonky. These last 12 months have taught me to surrender more and more for I have seen almost unbearable great loss and unbelievably beautiful new beginnings during this period. In the midst of radical change, emotional upheaval, and the call to up the faith ante, the testing of my response to what has been happening in my life has been fierce.

I have a tendency to give in to despair, and I often wish to walk away when the going gets tough, to take the easier option. I get insecure, fearful even, when the landscape shifts beneath my feet, but like a warrior in battle, wielding the trusty sword of prayer and contemplation, honed by hours of practice in peace time, I have been able to stand my ground, and even sally forward significantly towards where God is leading me.

Given where I am right now, preparing for marriage and all its delights and challenges, obedience is key, obedience that comes from a child-like trust that He who has provided for me all these years will continue to provide for me in these coming days, weeks, months and years. I just need to keep a listening heart.

E asked me so where do you see God leading you in the new year? How can I be this flower that despite being transplanted into a new environment, still experiences the freedom of scattering pollen and seed in different ways and directions, blessing others as I now do? How do I refine and deepen my vocation as a soon-to-be married woman?

I cannot quite answer this question in great detail except I know I have to die to self in many ways. I have already begun to let go of my single life, to mourn the changes that are to come, such as no longer living with my mother who has been my confidant, counsellor and greatest cheerleader in life. These last 13 years with her as housemate have been loads of fun, pure joy. I will miss watching The Big Bang Theory with her and chortling with shared glee.

Father Arro defined spouse as the person whom you love most in life and the one who loves you most in life. I have already begun to love P in this way and although we are still discovering each other's ways, rhythms and quirks, I am committed to spending the rest of my life with this man who makes my whole being light up with joy. The road ahead is by no means a walk in the park, but I know it will yield numerous spectacular finds and many glorious moments. I do look forward to it.  

Along with obedience and providence, the other companion words to accompany me in this new year will be perseverance and hope, words that will take flesh as I offer my days up to the Lord and give Him my daily fiat.