Staying awake this Advent

Recently a Christian pastor in Singapore was charged with the misuse of church funds to the tune of S$50 million and was sentenced to eight years in jail. Then there is someone I know who is in active ministry, well respected in her Christian community, who emotionally abuses her parents whom she lives with.

These are two examples of godly people, good people who have transformed lives and brought comfort and joy to others. So what is it about these two great people that blinds them to their less than Christian ways?

It makes me wonder, am I as blind as they are, are my values as warped or elastic as theirs seem to be? It scares me when Christian leaders hide dishonesty, meanness and other less attractive traits under the appearance of Christian virtue.

How do I ensure I keep walking on the right path and that my preferential treatment is for the poor, the weak, the sick, the disadvantaged, the young and the old, all the people who require a little more care and consideration? How do I avert the sin of pride or fat cat complacency?

As past Sunday's Gospel from Luke, chapter 21, warns:

Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy
from carousing and drunkenness
and the anxieties of daily life,
and that day catch you by surprise like a trap

Saint Luke goes on to counsel:

Be vigilant at all times
and pray that you have the strength
to escape the tribulations that are imminent
and to stand before the Son of Man.

Being vigilant implies a certain sacrifice and some measure of discomfort. It requires our ability to seek and find the light of truth in our lives, especially about our weaknesses, our own personal disposition to concupiscence. We will never be able to see all our own blind spots, but if we walk with God in humility, then He will reveal to us what we need to do to correct ourselves and continue to walk in the way of perfection. Frequent examen* is key.

Coming back to sacrifice, I know that I should never get too comfortable in how I live my life, especially in terms of material comfort. I should not get too attached to things, ideas, even people. As Luke reminds us, even anxiety which demonstrates a preoccupation with our own perceived problems is to be avoided. So the practice of temperance is necessary, abstinence, even, is good for the soul, lest I suffer from a drowsy heart.

If I am serious about serving, being in ministry, then vigilance is even more vital. I must be beyond reproach. This means being faithful in small things, all the time, to the best of my ability.

As Blessed John of Vercelli who was Master General of the Dominicans (1264-1283) wrote to his priests:

Watch the little things. He who grows careless in little things, little by little, falls. He who does not push himself to make progress, goes backwards.

Apart from the examen (and constant prayer, of course), ongoing faith formation helps keeps us on our toes. Not for the sake of acquiring knowledge so that I can parade my intellectual prowess, but to internalize the knowledge gained and to live it out concretely in my life. Because my memory is atrocious and sadly selective, I need to keep learning the lessons I have learned before, and to refine my behaviour, again and again.

Reminders like the season of Advent also assist us in our Christian walk. As we await the birth of our saviour, we need to prepare our hearts in order to allow the Christ child to be birthed in a hospitable corner of our hearts. If not, as Monsignor Vaz preached yesterday, Christmas will just be another holiday we celebrate, year in, year out, with no appreciable difference. Let us manifest our love for baby Jesus by loving others around us, especially those who drive us crazy, by being patient, forgiving and kind. In this way our waiting will be fruitful and we will have many gifts to adore our King with come Christmas Day.

*  The consciousness examen should be done at least twice in the day to recognize where and whether we met Jesus successfully or unsuccessfully. To find God in all things is very much Ignatian spirituality and a good habit to cultivate.

Wearing the authority of compassion

One of the panel speakers of a seminar I attended last week, Dr Ednin Hamzah, commented drily, "we should not be judgmental, which I am very comfortable with being". I laughed uproariously at this for I am equally predisposed to such bias.

He cautioned against being too smart that we forget to be wise. This was in reference to championing or advocating a cause to the extent we fall into the trap of impassioned zealousness that disallows us to consider any path but the one we see before us.

We forget we are dealing with people, so focused are we on concepts and ideas. We cannot see that we are not in control and that we do not know everything, that life is truly mystery. We were encouraged to listen, and to realize that it is all a process of fluid change. Although he made these comments with regard to Advanced Care Planning, what he counselled is applicable to life in general.

One of our greatest gifts as humans beings is our ability to analyze and judge situations and people in order to act with prudence. The problem comes when we become selfishly myopic, or overly rigid in principle. We lose sight of the forest for the trees.

We operate from what Henri Nouwen* calls the authority of power where if we give advice, we want to know if people follow what we say; when we offer help, we want to be thanked; when we give money, it has to be used a certain way. In other words, we do not allow others the freedom to speak or act contrary to what we think is right. We preach and pontificate. We know best. This is especially so when we evangelize.

When we bear witness to our faith, it should begin even before we begin to speak. We must first listen with openness and what Nouwen calls the authority of compassion. This authority is animated preeminently through a willing and personal encounter with the Spirit of the Father.

It is because I have experienced the compassionate hands of the Father placed on the shoulders of my repentant, bruised heart (as a prodigal child), a heart which has sinned and been sinned against, that I can treat others with the same mercy that the Father has bestowed on me.

I can be patient and persevere even when faced with hostile immaturity and aggressive persecution. I can be forgiving of ingratitude and of those who deliberately and maliciously set out to hurt me. My heart can sorrow for and with others, even those who do not deserve or desire my compassion.

In this past week I have been called to act in this spirit of Fatherhood and it has not been easy. K was rather nasty about what she perceived as her rights, using bullying tactics to get resolution. My first reaction was to fight back with an equal amount of aggression and to refuse to budge from my point of view. Of course I was within my rights. It is only when I took it in prayer that I could see the truth of the matter.

Ultimately it does not matter who is wrong or right for taking it to higher moral ground requires the grace of humility and wisdom. The humility to know I may be right but to act in the spirit of conciliation, and the wisdom to act in such a way that the other party experiences love, whether he or she knows it or not. One could call it the coward's way out, but it's not about being a doormat or avoiding confrontation, it's about weighing options and costs, and making the decision for peace even if it means I may the loser in the situation.

It is hard being the perceived loser, especially if it involves financial loss, but because I know everything comes from God, I am confident that He will provide for me in future. It's only money. Plus, I should be storing up my treasures in heaven, not on earth.

I also know I am loved dearly by Him, so even if I do not receive love from others, I am secure enough to resist seeking affirmation from the world. I have an acute sense of my own self-worth and I am quietly confident of who I am. So K, your bad behaviour was completely unnecessary and while it left a really unpleasant taste in my mouth, I will endeavour to look at you and focus on the aspects of your personality that delight me and make me laugh.      

I know I will always be comfortable being judgmental. I know I will always allow pride to insist I am smarter and 'righter' than others. But if I truly acknowledge Jesus as my Lord and saviour, I will always come home to this simple truth: I am His beloved and others can recognize this, and their own belovedness, if I reflect His love by being compassionate with them.

So try a little tenderness. In our current world state of chaos, we can all stand to be a little less judgmental, and a little more empathetic. It's the only way we can fight the darkness and best it.

*  From Henri Nouwen's The Return of the Prodigal Son which the Woman to Woman Ministry has just finished in recent weeks. 

Making spiritual fatherhood mine

It is just a numbers game to them. First, on Thursday, in an open-air market in southern Beirut, a couple of suicide bombers detonated themselves, killing 43 and wounding 239. Then eight men go out on Friday night, spraying bullets and setting off bombs in six locations in Paris, where people are just having a good time. Currently 129 people are reported dead, with over 350 injured. This is terrorism at its worst, tragically hiding behind the banner of religion.

How have we, humans, descended to hating each other so much that we would be willing to go on suicide missions, taking down as many lives with us as possible?

How much have we dishonoured God, Allah, by mocking the sanctity of life and killing in cold blood, then using Him as an excuse for our actions? One life destroyed in a deliberate of murder is one life too many.

Sunday's Gospel from Mark 13:24-42 aptly reads:

In those days after that tribulation
the sun will be darkened,
and the moon will not give its light,
and the stars will be falling from the sky,
and the powers in the heavens will be shaken.

Despite our horror at the world gone mad, the parousiac promise is this:

And then they will see ‘the Son of Man coming in the clouds’
with great power and glory,
and then he will send out the angels
and gather his elect from the four winds,
from the end of the earth to the end of the sky.

We cannot give up hope that goodness will triumph over evil for Christ has already redeemed the world. We cannot rest in our efforts to transform our anger and bitterness into life-giving, creative ways that can reduce the number of these end times experiences.

This is our mandate as decent human beings, we stay vigilant at all times by being as loving, merciful and righteous as Jesus was. Ours not to figure out when our collective and individual ends will be, but ours to be fully prepared by living out Isaiah 61 as concretely as possible.

One such way is to take on the role of spiritual fatherhood that Henri Nouwen writes about in his book The Return of the Prodigal Son.

We are each called to be the patient and loving father to foolish and rebellious but returning prodigal children, as well as to the angry, resentful children who fail to see they are loved as much as the prodigals.

There are three ways Nouwen proposes we take on spiritual fatherhood: grief, forgiveness and generosity. He encourages grief, the shedding of tears for others, as a way to compassion. With insight Nouwen writes:

...grief is the discipline of the heart that sees the sin of the world, and knows itself to be the sorrowful price of freedom without which love cannot bloom.

Grieving becomes prayer when it prepares the heart to respond with compassion for often we are called to show compassion by forgiving others. As forgiving is "very, very difficult" and "next to impossible", Nouwen proposes a divine forgiveness which "comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself", a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking" so that we can welcome others into our hearts without expecting anything in return. To be more like God, our Father, we need to remember our own identity as Beloved Child so that we can "step over" our own fears, needs, hurts, inclinations and pride to move into forgiveness.

Generosity, the giving of self is the third discipline Nouwen espouses as it is something that does not come spontaneously. He says:

As children of the darkness that rules through fear, self-interest, greed, and power, our great motivators are survival and self-preservation. But as children of the light who know that perfect love casts out all fear, it becomes possible to give all that we have for others. 

This can only happen when we trust the Father implicitly to take care of us and we believe that we are all kinfolk, brothers and sisters.

Grief, forgiveness and generosity call for a constant and active renewal of faith, "a radical discipline of being home". We must repeatedly return home into the Father's arms as repentant prodigals ourselves to allow the Father's tender, forgiving and generous love to heal us, so we can pay it forward by emulating Him with others in our lives.      

So how does spiritual fatherhood figure in this climate of terror? It begins with me refusing to give in to fear, and continuing to befriend peoples of different races and beliefs.

I neither persecute people who share diametrically opposing outlooks in life, nor do I disregard or avoid those who make me feel uncomfortable. I need to fight more for the rights of the marginalized and look for more wrongs to address. Most of all, I should carry the hearts of those I love, namely family members, with more compassion, tolerance and patience.

Nouwen writes that there is an emptiness that comes from selfless giving, an emptiness both dreaded and fruitful. It is dreaded for it demands a will open to divine guidance and it offers "no power, no success, no popularity, no easy satisfaction". But it is fruitful for can be a place of freedom - I can welcome anyone without condemnation and offer hope, as well as engender a liberating trust.

Each time we touch the sacred emptiness of non-demanding love, heaven and earth tremble, and there is great "rejoicing among the angels of God". It is the joy for the returning sons and daughters. It is the joy of spiritual fatherhood.

I believe Nouwen's poetic optimism will serve us well in the days to come as we combat terrorism without resorting to the foul means used by those who stand on the side of evil.

His invitation

In a recent time of contemplation, I could sense the Lord proposing my taking our relationship to another level. The lines of Christopher Marlowe's The Passionate Shepherd to His Love* came to me and this is my reply:

Artist Sieger Koder's take on the
Eternal Bridegroom who waits 
patiently for you and me,
His Beloved, to say yes. 

Draußen steht er an der Wand unseres Hauses

See, my beloved stands behind the wall

 Song of Songs 2:9

      

 Draußen steht er an der Wand unseres Hauses

I hear you call me to your side,
To live with you, in love abide.
Better or worse, to have and hold,
Your fragrant posies don't get old.

In valley lush, my gown lamb white,
No greater love could you incite,
The shepherd of my soul you are,
I'd follow you down byways far

We dance as one to madrigals,
Sip ruby wine as evening falls.
You gave your life for mine to keep,
A nuptial gift that makes me weep.

With you I fear no evil or
Cyclones that bring me to death's door.
Your hand in mine, we walk in light,
Darkness is vanquished by your might.

The hunger of the world we feed,
Your goodness swells in every deed.
Each harvest rich is sown in tears,
As we gather, I lose my fears.

Your passion moves me to proclaim
What's truth; a meme that's never lame,
Joy blossoms bright in fields of pain
When I say yes to you. Again.


*  http://www.bartleby.com/106/5.html

Tapping into the communion of saints

On my recent trip to Malta and Rome, it was such a thrill treading paths that saints once trod, being steps away from where miracles happened or standing in front of saints' relics, giving thanks for their lives and asking them to intercede for me in prayer.

Why I love saints is because they are real men and women who lived life passionately in love with God. While some had chequered and colourful pasts, all had their own peculiar struggles and situations. More significantly, they were all united in their unwavering love for our Creator. 

There is so much I can learn from these elder statesmen and stateswomen who reflect the goodness of God and brought much needed light into the world during the times they lived. They are like the constellations of stars that shine in the night skies, guiding travellers the right way forward in a uniquely beautiful and inspiring way. 

In every age we live, there is darkness, a darkness brought on by fear, hatred, envy, greed, and other abhorrent products from the failings of human nature. What do we do with the darkness? Do we live with it, tolerate it? Oftentimes I catch myself thinking that I am unable to change things so why try? But it is the responsibility of every human being to uphold justice and set right the wrongs we see before us. All the more if we call ourselves followers of Christ, we are called to be saints, people who bear an exceptional likeness to Jesus in thought, manner and action.

We are called to build His Church as Saint Francis of Assisi was tasked with, and we contribute as Saint Francis did, with a radical poverty of spirit, or in the quiet, ordinary way new Saints Louis and Zelie Martin did, by being good, hardworking citizens, raising five daughters who went on to serve God in religious communities, one of whom is a saint who has touched many with her Little Way of Love, Saint Teresa of the Child Jesus. It doesn't matter where we are in life, we can make a difference even in the most limiting of circumstances for the tipping point lies in our disposition of hearts.

Jesus chose ordinary, unschooled men to be His disciples. Even the women who followed Him were known sinners. He did not pick the most capable or the most courageous. He called people like you or me, not very remarkable, who come with our own faults and quirks, and all He asks is we say yes and leave the rest up to Him.

If we long to see His face, then we will eventually leave off from desiring worthless things and grow in holiness (today's psalm, 24). It takes time, much pruning and a whole lot of prayer, but we can be much more. We can always be much more, especially if we claim our identities as God's children (see 1 John 3:2), and on that identity alone we walk towards an unknown future, not without trepidation, but with faith in our steps and total reliance on a father who loves us very much.  

The Feast of All Saints is not just a celebration to commemorate our beloved saints, but it is a feast for the living, those who are on their way to sainthood, you and me. We can draw inspiration from the men and women who have gone before us, and we can continue the work they began. As we do what we need to, we can also pray for their intercession, to help us be more like them, so we can be as fearless and tireless in our endeavours as they were.

Happy All Saints.

Spacing out with Jesus

Over the weekend, my community of ICPE Companions met for our annual retreat and it was a huge sacred space where we welcomed Jesus, into our hearts, souls, minds and strengths, our lives, and received much.

We prayed, we listened, we praised, we worshipped, we broke bread together in the sharing of food and lives, we played, we laughed, and we were simply there for each other and God, and in so doing, we blessed each other and ourselves. Even those of us who could not make it were not forgotten and they were swept up with us in our communal prayer.

Besides taking community bond-building and my personal call to another level, it was a huge reminder of how imperative contemplation is for spiritual health. My spirit is bubbling over with joy today and to paraphrase Leonard Hofsteder's pick-up line in The Big Bang Theory, I am snapping, crackling and popping electric all because we sat together and listened to our Lord and our God.

Words are a poor vehicle to describe what I felt, and feel, and yet, they are all I have to share: that Jesus lives and walks among us, and He loves us, me, very, very much. The Good News experienced firsthand is indeed very, very Good.

He died for me so there is no reason to live otherwise than joyously and with vitality for I am redeemed, and thus I can rise up from the ashes of my woundedness, my disastrous past, and even my battle-scarred present, to new life, every new day. And what a life it can be.

The Gospel yesterday from Mark 10:46-52 was germane: If I am bold like blind Bartimaeus, and I can cast aside my perceived treasure (which is more encumbrance) to walk toward Jesus and ask for new sight, then He will respond. The reward is always restoration and a more precise vision and stouter heart to follow Him better.

My commitment to my spiritual growth has been renewed. It is clear that although my life will always be filled with activity, with demands on my time, space to be still, for me to listen to the Master's voice is necessary for emotional health, spiritual maturity and the stamina to keep up with Jesus. So my top priority for the future is to stay joyful by spacing out with Jesus.

Friday special

In the adoration room
Today she turned and smiled at me
Joy lighting up her flawless features
A cheeky sprite in a frothy mood

She was wonderfully made, fearless in spirit
She beckoned me to stay awhile
and play with her in eternity
We joined hands and knitted hearts
Our kindred souls sang as one voice
Of everlasting love, a kingdom found!
Together we sat at his feet the better part
Of the endless golden afternoon.
As we said goodbye we thanked each other
And the one who made it possible
For the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins
All glory be

Remembering her life
It was grand to gather five years on
To give thanks and celebrate her life
Sharing stories dusted with sparkling motes of joy,
Tears of gratitude beading the laughter.
We spoke of love, her tender heart,
How she heard the soft, unspoken cries
And bore them in compassionate hands
She comforted troubled hearts, and calmed
A sea of people for she opened doors that led
To bright futures and infinite possibilities.
There was her legendary hospitality, of course,
Popiah* parties and sumptuous new year spreads.
Tonight we got to sample yet again
Her mouthwatering popiah and yummy kai chok**
Gone but not forgotten, fondly remembered,
Her goodness lives on in those she loved

*  spring rolls extraordinaire
**  chicken congee

Ditching the funeral face with agape

It is not enough that we have the best of intentions towards people, and we sacrifice our own wants and needs in order to show care and concern. If we come across as negative, self-righteous, intrusively domineering, and we are altogether unpleasant to be around, our good deeds are lost, gone with the wind. All people will remember is the foul attitude, and they will turn and walk in the opposite direction when they see us approaching.

But she/he has a good heart! Sorry, that does not excuse the surliness or the caustic tongue. As Pope Francis put it, we cannot proclaim Jesus with a funeral face. Do-gooders, aka good Christians, have to attract people with their joie de vivre. Christ must shine through in their demeanours as well as in their good deeds.

So why is it that active Christians, missionary disciples, have such a hard time exuding sweetness and light as they go about doing good in the world? I have a couple of answers for I find myself guilty of a funeral face more than I would like.

One reason is I try to do too much. Finding the balance will always be tricky, but I cannot let tiredness derail all my good intentions and efforts. Sufficient rest and recreation is key. I must also be clear why I am doing what I am doing and to allow God's agape to flow into my heart when I make those exhausting and hard choices to love - so I can also stop perfecting things and let the Spirit lead.

The following stories from the Bible are cautionary tales and invite us to make the right choice with joy as well. The first is grumbling Martha who seeks redress from Jesus and instead gets told she frets about many things and thus loses sight of the better part (Luke chapter 10), and the other is the parable of the prodigal son (Luke chapter 15) whose elder brother is aggrieved by how their father celebrates the return of this ne'er-do-well brother whereas he has been there all along, slogging his guts out for the family business.

As Father Simon explained last week, the better part of Mary's contemplative attitude did not mean that Martha's active ministry was inferior, far from it. Both are necessary if we are serious about being followers of Christ. We are all called to be like Jesus, contemplatives in action.

What was the issue was that Martha had lost sight of what was truly important as she went about her ministry. She was too caught up in wanting things to be done a certain way, to elicit a certain response from people, that she lost the joy. Martha lost her agape, as did the elder son who himself became a prodigal interiorly in his inability to forgive his brother or to rejoice that his father, whom he loved, was ecstatic.

I relate. A lot. Having a sense of duty, a sense of right and wrong is not a bad thing. It is good to be responsible. I know how to walk the Christian talk. But when I begin to measure others against my own standards of acceptable behaviour, here is where I fall down. It is easy to feel resentment, and even envy, that I am losing out when I serve. Why am I not enjoying myself as others are? I fixate on small things and become small-minded. I compare and I grumble, like Martha.

Or because I have been trudging on for so long, I get a false sense of entitlement. I feel I am better than others, so I have earned the right to look down my nose at those around me, those sorry lot of sinners. I become the elder brother who is furious that his irresponsible sibling is being blessed by their father for doing nothing. And when my siblings actually backslide, or are insincere in their apologies, I go into a rage.

I forget I was a big sinner, like them, and I am still a sinner, even though I live in my Father's home. My Father forgives me every day and my elder brother, Jesus Christ, dies for me, the errant, younger sibling every day. Every day is Christmas, Good Friday and Easter. When I see the truth and open my heart to His agape, then I can live out agape the way He does.

Agape, or love, as Peter Kreeft defined in his essay, Love*, is more than a feeling and it comes from us, actively, by our free choice. And we must choose freely to love the concrete individual; who is often a choice that is inconvenient, stinking and begging.

Agape means we get up close and personal with people who hurt us frequently and disappoint us; who weary us with their inability to change; who have whiny, bitter and childish personalities we may actively dislike, and we accompany them in life, giving support and encouragement. Agape is love that goes beyond worth, beyond justice, beyond reason. It is to remain faithfully loving even in circumstances where there is no perceived discernible positive outcome (this is not an endorsement for co-dependency which is to be avoided). I like what Kreeft wrote:

Love is a flower, and hope is its stem. Salvation is the whole plant. God's grace, God's own life, comes into us by faith, like water through a tree's roots. It rises in us by hope, like sap through the trunk. And it flowers from our branches, fruit for our neighbor's use.

Kreeft goes on to describe how agape must be in spirit:

Faith is like an anchor. That's why it must be conservative, even a stick-in-the-mud, like an anchor. Faith must be faithful. Hope is like a compass or a navigator. It gives us direction, and it takes its bearings from the stars. That's why it must be progressive and forward-looking. Love is like the sail, spread to the wind. It is the actual energy of our journey. That's why it must be liberal, open to the Spirit's wind, generous.

Loving in this fashion is hard, as the elder brother or Martha found out, but worthwhile. I have found what Kreeft said to be true: When you give yourself away you find that a new and more real self has somehow been given to you.

So what really is the better part? How does it help us return to our Father's house when we stray? It is being able to say to Jesus in wonder and gratitude thank you for loving me so much. I don't know why you do, but, thank you. You make me feel special and I want to spread that special to someone else for something so precious has to be shared with everyone I know. I agree to be that little pencil in your hand, please use me as you will... Let agape flow and joy bring us home into the Father's embrace.

*  http://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/love.htm

In death new life begins

A death in the family is always a tragedy. Even if you were not particularly close to the departed, or harboured some ill will towards that person, there is a void in the universe, a palpable change, that affects you personally, and the family dynamics around you.

There are different ways of dealing with the loss. Some choose to ignore it, denying that this particular person has any influence on their life whatsoever, whether alive or dead.

Then there are others who let the grief turn inward. They bury it deep down and allow it to implode and emerge in anger and bitterness to the rest of the world, often targeting family members in explosive ways.

Grief takes on many forms and faces as well. For within the grief there is a complex mixture of sadness, regret, anger, remorse, emptiness, fear, bitterness, despair, relief and guilt, and so much more. All these very powerful emotions need to be acknowledged and processed, if not, we will remain forever stuck. And they will return and bite us later, causing us to behave in ways we least desire.

Often we grieve for 'selfish' reasons. It is our personal loss that concerns us. We can no longer see and interact with this person. There is a black hole of missing within us. Our chance to be loving and caring towards this person has disappeared. We can make amends no more, to right the wrongs we should've acted on earlier. While all this is normal, we can learn to look outward and parlay the grief into blessings of joy.

One way that works me is to honour that person by becoming a better person myself. All the qualities I admire in that person I can seek now to embody. I renew my efforts at being loving, caring, forgiving and less touchy. I become more committed to losing my baggage and, consequently, I am able to free myself from the chains of past hurts and resentments more quickly.

This is how in death there can be new life: the departed by his or her absence becomes a visible sign of redemption in the world because I choose to be life-giving. I can make reparation for my past failings by making good now, paying it forward and crediting the departed for my achievements.

It is no accident that I am connected by blood to the people who are in my family, immediate and extended. Instead of judging and complaining about their perceived shortcomings, and using this as an excuse for my own malaise and uncharitable impulses, I should try harder to see them in new ways and relate to them in new ways.

Change is possible for all things are possible with God. I have seen it happen these past days and I am awed by just how loving and merciful God has been during this time of bereavement.

My Third Aunt's passing has given me new insights into my family and my own immaturity in dealing with family. I am humbled by how it is only in her dying that I have come to see a different personality emerge, my Third Aunt's true self, uncontaminated by family history.

She had a big heart for the less privileged and fought for the underdog. She was unceasing in her efforts to reach out to others and help those who needed some form of assistance that she could render. As Father Simon declared during her funeral mass, Mother Mary would snap at Saint Peter to quit looking at my aunt's report card to assess her and offer her immediate access through the Pearly Gates for she is a shoo-in.

Thank you,Third Aunt, for the honour and privilege of accompanying you in your last days, and thank you for blessing the family with your deepest desire, unity. Thank you for loving me all these years and beyond. Even today, you have blessed me with your love. I was amazed, and I am grateful.

Thank you, Abba, for the gift of faith in my family for without it, we would all be lost.

Rest well, Third Aunt, and I hope to be just like you when I grow up. 

Roses for my aunt

She lived her life with no apologies
For her bluntness or her convictions.
She was an original - one of God's most favoured.
Prickly yet tender, calculating yet incredibly generous
She had passion, vision, and a great love 
For God, Mother Mary and Truth.
She wanted to change the world and she did
Made it brighter, funnier and warmer for many
Even as storms often followed in her wake.
She was loved for who she was 
A compassionate and giving woman 
Nurse, teacher, cook, storyteller,
Mother and true friend to those in need.
She could be tough to love
Harsh in her words and ways,
Quick-tempered and impatient,
Her heart of gold lost in the darkness 
All is forgiven in the crucible of mercy.
You are, now and forever, His radiant bride
Mary Cecily in the eternal, enjoy the ride.

Contemplating Teresa and Thérèse

A few of us (ICPE Companions and W2W Ministry sisters) were involved in the Carmelite Prayer Concert celebrating the fifth centenary of the Discalced Carmelite foundress Saint Teresa of Avila who was born in 1515. We performed in sign language to the beautiful lines penned by Saint Teresa and transformed into song lyrics by John Michael Talbot:

Christ has no body now but yours

No hands, no feet on earth but yours

Yours are the eyes through which He looks

With compassion on the world

Yours are the feet with which He walks to do good

Yours are the hands,

With which He blesses all the world.

Yours are the hands,

yours are the feet

yours are the eyes

You are His body…

I really enjoyed performing to such meaningful words yesterday afternoon, such a powerful reminder for me. Then today we celebrated the feast day of Saint Thérèse of Lisieux who is the patroness of my parish church. The two Teresas, Saint Teresa of Jesus and Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face, or Saint Teresa of Avila and Saint Thérèse of Lisieux, are two saints I admire greatly for being women who lived out their feminine sensibilities to the fullest and inspired so many with who they were, whether alive or dead.  

Both were strong women, wilful in their youth but such giants in their spirits as adults, single-minded in their devotion to Christ. They also underwent trials: physical illness, personal tragedy (both lost their mothers at an early age), rejection and persecution, and yet, this did not change them, they continued to be true to God, and remained joyful and loving women. They were both fearless, even in the face of hostility, and humble, ever conscious of their sinful natures.

The longer one walks with Jesus, the easier it is to get complacent and to develop blind spots and become vain, wearing one’s goodness like badge. Prayer can become routine, and even being good can become so facile that we operate on cruise control and stop truly listening to Jesus and going where He goes. We do our own thing, we chart our own course. We become like the rich, young man, unwilling to step out of our comfort zone. We become missionary disciples on our own terms, picking and choosing what we want to do, discarding the uncomfortable and unappealing. We stop losing our lives to gain new life.

I am ever fearful that I take Jesus for granted, and I stop trying my best to be like Him, and in so doing, I stop becoming. I stop journeying in a meaningful way, and maybe even walk away from Jesus. Because of how far I have come, I know how to be good and I can put on a good performance effortlessly. It is at this point that I stop being honest with myself, and with Jesus. Here is where the enemy can enter and wreak havoc for I have stopped trying to be a better person, to be the real me.

I know I will always have blind spots, but I also know I can rely on the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth, assuming I ask for His opinion and listen in earnest. This is why both Saints Teresa and Thérèse encourage me. They both made time to contemplate their actions daily, to seek God in the silence of their hearts, and they listened with child-like humility and sincere contrition. In so doing they were able to deal with darkness in their time and circumstance by shedding light, and bringing so many to Christ.

Saint Teresa and Saint Thérèse, help me always to believe, as you did, in God’s great love for me, so that I can be His hands and feet in the world, bringing His healing love to all.

Roman holiday

After Malta, I effectively spent four days in Rome with three full days of sightseeing. As I had never been to Rome I was excited and much looking forward to it. I was not disappointed. The churches were incredibly beautiful and the saints were thrillingly inspiring. The cherry on the cake would've been to attend a Wednesday audience with Pope Francis but he was busy wowing Cuba and America. Such is life.

A took such good care of us (I had a different beer to try every night) and we were so blessed by God's generosity that I had the most amazing, albeit exhausting, vacation.

So what is God saying to me in this Roman holiday (E's favourite question)? There are a couple of things, chief among which is He is truly my soul and sole provider, no one else could love me as unconditionally and generously.

I have awesome sisters in community, sisters who are a joy to hang out with, and who inspire me with their deep and radical love for Jesus. The fellowship has been delightful, thank you, A and A, and thank you Father Francis for making Assisi so special, a mini pilgrimage of sorts.

Life will not be without its sacrifices, struggles and tragedies (as evidenced through the lives of countless saints), and yet, it can be achingly beautiful, joyously sacred and  overwhelmingly good. So I just have to keep leaning on Him and His grace.

It was short, intense and just perfect.
Sunny skies with a touch of rain
Roma rich coffee and luscious gelatos.
We traipsed all over the city, Ams and I
Oohing and aahing at the glorious architecture
Of basilicas, catacombs and the Vatican...
The saints were our best friends
Whom we visited with eagerness:
Saints Peter and Paul, Catherine, Sebastian
and John Paul II, please pray for us!
Not forgetting Clare and Francis in Assisi.
The wood of the manger, the nails of the cross,
Holy steps, Spanish steps, the footprints of Christ,
Quo vadis Domine?
There was the Pantheon, the Coliseum, the Trevi
A race by the Circus Maximus before we got lost
In the beauty of the Trinity on the hill,
Plus all three levels of Santa Maria Maggiore.
We gatecrashed mass in Saint John Lateran
Saluted the empty balcony in Saint Peter's Square
Took a selfie with the Holy Door ahead of time
We ate, prayed, and had a lovely time,
Filled with laughter and l'amore di Dio
What was the highlight, friends want to know?
It was the silent, still pauses in between.

Lessons in Malta

C once said to me I do not ask for gifts from God because I am afraid of getting them, then I have to use them. I thought she was nuts until my recent trip to Malta where together with about 120 others I celebrated Institute for World Evangelisation ICPE Mission's 30th anniversary.

It was an anointed time, so blessed, meeting old friends, making new ones. I was enriched by the testimonies and teachings of so many that it will take me some time to digest everything properly. Having been given so many gifts, I am now called to embody the shared wisdom. I must deal with challenging situations I am faced with upon my return with a new level of maturity. Must I? Really? I can see now why C didn't want spiritual gifts from God.

Putting aside my facetiousness, I thank and praise God for giving me the tools to be a better missionary disciple, to be a better person really. What does this mean?

For me, it is to walk with conviction and joy, praising Him and giving Him glory even in bad times and impossible situations. It is the personal choice to trust and lean on Jesus (thank you Father Martin) so that I can perceive reality with more clarity, and not just through the fractured lens of my brokenness. It is the ability to receive healing and acquire true vision, and a heart that is totally for God; through Him, with Him and in Him, in unity with the Holy Spirit.

I am inspired to become more prophetic and to say yes wholeheartedly to Jesus when he tells me I can change the world through you if you are willing not to take the credit (thank you Bruce Clewett).

I am reminded that in a world filled with darkness I need to be an icon of patience, hope, humility and joy in order to usher everyone through the door of faith into the life of God (thank you Father Geno).

I must not forget to bring the oil of gladness to others, clothed in my mantle of praise (thank you Archbishop Scicluna) and to exalt Father God always, who, in turn, will exalt me as He exalted His Son who died on the cross to exalt Him (thank you Cardinal Turkson).

To follow Christ involves carrying the cross as He did, and even being crucified on it as He was, so this reflection by Father Frank is one I take to heart closely:

*  We will always be tempted to avoid carrying the cross, so we must stay sensitive to the movement of the Holy Spirit to recognize temptation when we see it, and work against it.

*  We can never be certain of what the future holds, only hindsight offers 20/20 vision, so it's vital to keep moving ahead on faith, persevering even when circumstances are bleak and hopeless.

*  It is necessary to carry our own brother or sister in ministry. As good as we are in ministering to others, we must do the same for those in our communities and families. It is hardest to love those nearest to us, who can be constant thorns in our sides, and who show up our weaknesses and flaws all too easily, but they help sanctify us the most. The seeds of mercy, forgiveness and generosity reside within these relationships.

*  With the cross there is always resurrection, that is its beauty. It is the promise of redemption fulfilled by Jesus dying on the cross. So no matter how torturous our crosses may be, we can cling to them with love and hope for what will follow will be far greater.

Thank you, Anna and Mario Capello, for giving us the ICPE Mission DNA of worship and evangelization. Thank you both for your faithful journey from inception till now, and beyond. May God bless you both and the ICPE Mission as we all work as one, united community to bring glory to God, our Father.

Becoming a missionary disciple

It was an old, wooden cross 
worn with age, dusty, chipped in places
no longer appealing in its weatherbeaten facade.
One day there was a loud crack 
as a deep crevice ran down its face 
exposing a grievous wound.
It's broken now, quite useless,
fit to be thrown into the bonfire
thought the priest - it cannot be salvaged.
But heeding an inner whisper
he called the craftsman in to see
With his UV light, the master came,
poring over carefully the body he saw otherwise
such ancient beauty wrought by prayerful hands
There was gold beneath, artful and precious
it was magnificent, a breathing masterpiece
suffocated through years of callous living
waiting quiescently to be restored
to sing out once again the joy the creator felt 
as he glorified God by answering his call. 
Deep calls unto deep so dive into the deep
the Spirit invites us to see beneath 
the impression of every encounter
the mask of every person to discover the gold
the priceless image of God that lays hidden
under the thick patina of lies and worldly distortions.
Lech-Lecha, God's call to Abraham was this:
Go, leave the place you are now residing
Go within, and journey toward yourself
Go for you!
Unless you do, you will remain forever stuck
a missionary, an NGO, who journeys long and hard
bowed under the weight of stone baggage 
but who never arrives at your desired destination
unable to truthfully praise and thank God 
no authority, no authenticity, in your actions
just rigid and controlling meanness
a priest or prophet with spiritual bad breath 
a shallow soul without nobility
There can be no ministry without contemplation
you cannot know the Lord's heart
His desires for you without wiping 
bitter tears off His feet, breaking 
the jar of past hurts and disappointments,
and anointing His feet with the perfume 
of your miserable, worthless past
allowing Him to wipe your tears,
heal the wounds with His mercy and love
He will go with you where He calls you
if you let go of your life and let Him restore you
breathe new life into your being
Glorifying you as you glorify Him.
The journey is long, the journey is hard,
it is also impossibly beautiful, and good,
a joy to behold: for you, for others, and for God
Lech-Lecha!

NB Thank you Father Martin Cilia for sharing how we as missionary disciples should live the inner journeys and outer pathways of our lives.

Holy indifference

Holy indifference, the preacher said,
First and foremost is to be
in right relationship with God
To know who you are in the world
who and what you stand for
even when facing the guillotine
you stand fast, upright and unafraid
singing Salve Regina with your last breath
as the blade descends on skin and bone
Holy indifference is a love that bleeds
a heart on fire for God, the Almighty
moving, living and being only for the Lord
die, die, must follow Jesus!
you shed tears, copious and unceasing,
allowing yourself to be crucified
especially by your nearest and dearest
people you draw into your heart
just as Jesus drew you into His
Holy indifference is to live as a witness
joyous even in the hurricane
waiting out the storm patiently
dead certain that Jesus is in the boat with you
you steer with hope-filled tenacity
eyes and heart wide open to His Word
holding tight to His outstretched hand
humbly deferring to holy direction
going wherever you are led, in Spirit
Holy indifference is to be a missionary disciple
to do as Jesus did, every day
living an ordinary life that
speaks of God's extraordinary promise
in every human encounter
it won't  be easy, it will be uncomfortable
yours will be a voice lost in the wilderness
but as you lose your life you will know
Eternal life is yours, today and every day

With thanks to Father Geno Sylva for inspiring us at ICPE Mission's 30th anniversary celebration in Malta.

Lawful living for joyful living

How do we know that we are living out the Law as it should be lived? It is when we are loving, we are understanding, and we are full of joy, not just towards ourselves, but also towards our families and our communities. Thank you, Monsignor Vaz.

T1is Sunday past was a meditation on allowing the Law* to guide us to love and life (Deuteronomy 4:1-2).

 ...accept and submit to the word which has been planted in you and can save your souls. (James 1:21)

Psalm 14 tells us saying yes to Jesus means walking without fault, acting with justice, speaking truth from the heart... doing no wrong to your brother, casting no slur on your neighbour, and keeping your pledge come what may.

While James goes on to tell us:

Pure, unspoilt religion, in the eyes of God our Father is this: coming to the help of orphans and widows when they need it, and keeping oneself uncontaminated by the world.

As good Christians, we all know what we must do. Often, we are contaminated by our own selfish desires, and we choose the more convenient path or the easier walk, and we find excuses not to do what we know we should.

I find myself often ignoring the small, inner voice that tells me what I should be doing instead of indulging my own fancies. Yes, I work hard, yes, I do a lot to serve the Lord, yes, I am a good person who helps others, but there is also a bunch of stuff that takes me great effort to do, so I tend to leave that in a pile, for later. I procrastinate. And procrastinate. And never get round to doing most of it... It may be too late, if I am not careful.

One such instance is my Third Aunt. I have been meaning to visit her and see how she is, but because where she lives is a little out of the way, inconvenient, and I am never very sure of a warm reception, I have used work as an excuse to put off seeing her. She is currently quite ill and I am filled with remorse that I have neglected doing what my heart told me to do months earlier.

Thus I find myself making amends by visiting her frequently this period and trying my best to make her feel comfortable (and loved, hopefully). I can only thank God I am not too late.

If I am merely motivated by my guilt conscience then I will find the task onerous and I will be like the Pharisees who cling to human tradition and pay lip service in worshipping God, my heart not truly in what I do. (Mark 7) I will not bring comfort and joy to her, nor to myself, but only a grim, duty-bound and joyless satisfaction to us both.

The only way I can keep my intentions pure - I won't lie, I do feel physically and emotionally drained (it is very hard to see her suffering so) - is to keep offering every visit up to Jesus and allow myself to be His hands and feet. His glory, not mine.

Being good, living by the Law and delighting in it, may seem a contradiction in terms, but it isn't, unless I choose to make it so. It is not always the natural choice, the yes that rolls off the tongue lightly, but it is always the right one. More importantly, as I keep internalizing the Law, writing it on my heart, I feel a lightness of being which can only come from living as I was created to, fully engaged in the world, vitally alive.

We are all created to be good so being good feels good. Don't buy into the world view that feeling good can only come from self-serving, pleasure-seeking ways, leading you to disregard and disparage 'killjoy' commandments. Live lawfully and you will find yourself in the presence of the Lord, genuflecting with great joy.

*  Readings are taken from the 22nd Sunday in Ordinary Time, Year B.

Guard your heart

I was recently involved in two weekend retreats for Nativity church and the final message to retreatants was the same at both: guard your heart.

Whenever we experience inner healing, breakthroughs and profound insights into our lives that can help us grow; impacting our spiritual journeys in a significant and positive manner, the enemy is always waiting to snatch the truth away from our hearts.

Anything that brings us closer to Jesus is taken away, if we are not careful, and we quickly revert to old ways of thinking and acting. The devil likes us lukewarm in our convictions, stagnant in our spiritual lives and not very committed in our relationship with Jesus.

One of the oldest tricks in the book is to keep us believing in the lie I am not good enough and therefore let someone better than me do something for God, I better stay out of it and do nothing. This is where we are often attacked.

I cannot believe how rapidly the joy and elation I felt last Sunday afternoon dissolved into tears that evening when I came face to face with a barrage of lies hurled at me in a phone conversation. I doubted my own goodness and I questioned the value of my participating in ministry. What's the point when I am such an ineffectual and useless human being?

Often we emerge from the highs of a retreat, ready to do battle, only to face our lives where nothing has changed. The people who can hurt us the most do continue to hurt us. If we do not hold onto the truths and divine revelations we received, we will lose hope quickly, our enthusiasm fizzles, and like the disciples after the crucifixion of Jesus, we will walk away, go back to our old lives, beaten and discouraged.

We forget all too easily the resurrection, the salient fact that we are already living in God's kingdom as free men and women. We have been redeemed and every day Jesus wants to show us just how much He loves each of us in unique and personal ways. How much more grateful and happy should we be?  Life is to be celebrated and cherished. Our joy is to be shared with others.

Of course our challenges and difficulties do not disappear, neither do our weaknesses, our sinfulness, but our secret weapon is the gift of faith, the size of a mustard seed, which through a persevering and ever-evolving prayer life grows into a huge tree, bringing shelter and life to many.

So exercise the gift of faith: keep believing, keep praying and keep loving yourself and others. The truth is I will never be good enough but His grace is more than sufficient for me. The Lord can use me to move others powerfully, if I let Him. Say yes.

At the recent retreat, we talked about lies told to us as women and how one of the best ways to combat the lies is to know who you are and be centred in your identity. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of this. This, for me, is one of the key ways I guard my heart.

Knowing who I am in God's eyes, His beloved daughter, a radiant Bride of Christ, a beautiful, empowered woman with unique gifts and talents, has gone a long way in helping me build my self-esteem and self-worth. I am no longer as fearful or fussed by what others think of me, as long as I am right by God.

Sometimes my world does get rocked, as it was Sunday evening, but prayer brings clarity and inner peace. The lies shatter in the light of God's love, and the little bits of truth embedded in the lies* help me reflect and aspire to be a better person, grinding away the snarls and jagged edges of my imperfect personality.

Ranked in importance to identity in guarding my heart is knowing my vocation. To know who and what I was created to be helps me live meaningfully and intentionally. When I do my best to live the dream (His plan and purpose for me), I wake up with a strong sense of purpose, and I end my day in tired satisfaction. It can get a bit manic at times, juggling so many balls in the air, and it may not be the easiest course of action in life (it can be humbling and downright painful at times), but letting Jesus steer my course has blessed me abundantly, and blessed others.

If you are still in the process of discerning your vocation, there is one vocation we all share as Christians regardless of our personal gifts and talents and that is to love and serve others in everything we do. We can contribute to building the Father's kingdom wherever we are, broken as we are. It just takes our will to seek God and be His hands and feet.

Every retreat we attend helps us see the face of God clearly, know Jesus, His Son, in greater love and intimacy, and feel His awesome presence in our lives through the Holy Spirit. We get to uncover the lies in our lives and to live the truths with greater resonance and integrity. Make every retreat count. Let it be living bread for the journey as you continue to walk closer with Jesus. Stay close to the source through prayer (thanks to K who inspired me to turn more to our Mother and pray the rosary more regularly), work on your issues and guard your heart from deceptions, lies, and worldly temptations.

*   The most powerful lies are half truths where within the lie is a kernel of truth which could either be personal blind spots that cause us to stumble, especially when we deny them, or cause us to completely believe the lie. 

One true face

Inside of me there are many faces
The shy and tender soul
The bold as brass, hard-nosed cookie
The mille-feuille light, bubbly girl
The weepy, bleeding heart
I can be serious and very responsible
Mother hen loving and giving
Like the girl with a little curl down her forehead
I can also be horrid - a greedy brat
Unforgiving, cold and self-serving
Worse, I can be a goody two-shoes
Decked out in Pharisee tassels
Perfect to the outside world
Quoting Scripture for my own purposes
Nasty mean within four walls
No one could possibly love me, except Him.
Is there one true face?
The me I was created to be
Who is she?
She is the Daughter of the Father
The Bride of Christ
The one in whom He delights
Beloved.
A woman fertile and prolific
Bringing life and light to the world
Transforming hearts, channelling beauty
Exuding feminine genius
A watered garden.
If I keep my gaze on Him
See the me He sees
Then perhaps I can be
Everything He hopes for, and more.