I don't know if I love you

I don't know if I love you, but
Silly love songs play all day in my head
I smile too frequently (when I think of you)
People must think I'm loony or moonstruck.

I don't think I love you, and yet
I walk around on petal-strewn sunshine
My face aglow with inner jubilation
Not much irritates me, or spoils my good mood.

I can't possibly love you, it's much too soon,
Yet I cannot breathe when you kneel next to me.
Your faith levels my mountains of doubt and fear,
Flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come.*

My head tells me it's crazy, too impulsive, so not me.
My heart says you are the one chosen just for me.

Past experience cautions for decorum, more time_
Intuition whispers we will be great together,
Good for each other in all kinds of weather.
Go on, take the plunge! What are you waiting for?

I don't know if I love you, but I do know
I will give you my heart, to have and to hold,
Today and tomorrow,
God willing, forever.

* Song of Songs 2:12

Wasting time

Although time is a commodity into which I constantly try to pack as much activity as I can into the finite minutes and hours I have when I am awake, I also spend a lot of it in idle activity to de-stress from the day. But being in a relationship has changed the way I look at my week now and how I prioritize my time.

Given our busy lives, plus our schedules and rhythms that are not always synchronized, finding time to waste with each other can be challenging. And yet, precisely because it is challenging, our meetings become so much sweeter. My absolute favourite thing to do is to attend morning mass with P, followed by breakfast, before we go our separate ways into the work day. There is such strength and joy in worshipping God together.

I was sharing with Sister B last Sunday about the recent changes in my life and she reminded me that no matter what state of life I find myself in, my focus should not change, Jesus first. He is my first and last love, the Bridegroom with whom I should be wasting time on and with if I wish to enter the interior castle*, which I do desire greatly. I do hope it will be the same for P.

Looking back at God's invitation late last year to a deeper level of intimacy, I can see how my relationship with P has already helped me step a little closer towards the keep, or Saint Teresa's inner mansions. Not wishing a misstep, I am striving harder to contemplate the One who makes all things possible.

With the heightened intensity of my prayer life and a greater reliance on letting the Holy Spirit lead in the relationship, I have found such freedom as I have never found in my previous relationships. I do not agonize over the future, or whether this man loves me enough to want to marry me. I realize I am blessed immeasurably that we both want the same thing, God's approbation of our relationship, and because of this, I have the courage to give my all, without fear; towards nurturing a potential life-long friendship and a forever love.

I can also be myself. In fact, I have done my ruthlessly honest best to discourage him (and if he scares easily then he is definitely not the right man for me), for he should know me and love me for who I am, just as I will know and love him for who he is, good and bad. No games, no deceptions.

Of course I know we may still decide to part next year, especially if God reveals we are not meant to be together, and while I know I will suffer the pain of that decision, I also know I have the strength to go on. I did it once before in my last relationship and I know I can do it again. All that matters is what God wants for me, and I trust He wants only what's best for me. Hence my constant prayer is one for obedience. To do whatever He tells me.

In the meantime I will enjoy each day as it comes, let tomorrow take care of itself, and just live in the moment of magnificent abundance.

*  Saint Teresa of Avila's spirituality of mystical interiority.  

Going steady

Since J's death I have not been sleeping well and I wake up way too early. While frustrating, and I have been literally falling asleep as I teach (sincere apologies to my clients), the one good thing out of this period has been the opportunity to attend weekday mass.

This is something I have not done recently with any regularity, due, in part, to my work schedule, but I now realize I can be more consistent, especially if I make it to morning mass. What a privilege and joy it has been to start the day with Jesus, giving thanks and receiving Him into my heart.

My prayer life has amped up as well due to a recent development besides J's death. I have met someone. We are in a committed relationship discerning the possibility of marriage next year. Such serious undertaking merits prayer, and lots of it. We have both agreed that we will marry if the Lord reveals in this year of courtship that He has chosen us for each other.

Aside from weekday mass, I have been frequenting the adoration room much more, and working on my relationship with Jesus who is my penultimate Spouse and Lover. Should P and I stand before the altar, we will be a party of three, Jesus will be in the centre, the one who seals our marriage covenant and binds us sacramentally to each other.

While through the years I have tried to make sense of what my vocation is, seeing as I have known it to be marriage and motherhood since 2003, I reached the point of true indifference to marriage in the conventional sense in recent months for I have learned to express my vocation of marriage and motherhood in many other ways which have fulfilled me, and blessed others. I had even begun discerning consecrated life. I only agreed to meet P because I realized that he was part of my discernment process for consecrated life. He, and Jesus, have since convinced me that perhaps marriage is for me, after all.

I have to say I still find all this a little baffling. The pragmatic woman in me questions the validity of this committed relationship. Marriage is for women who are young, vibrant and fertile, able to give birth, bring new life into this world. I, on the other hand, am entering a state of life that signals biological infertility. I feel the weight of my years and I am not sure what I bring to the table here.

Being older, I am not so pliable, and I know exactly what I want and am not as shy as I was about asking for it, qualities that do not maketh a good wife exactly. I keep telling P I am not easy. I'm difficult (just ask my family). Well, he can't say I didn't warn him (yes, P?).

All that said, I am just going with the flow right now, having fun getting to know him better (and it has been fun), and cultivating friendship which I believe will be foundational for a successful marriage. May Jesus continue to guide us and be our tour director on this journey of courtship. In the meantime, I will rely on the Spirit to animate and purify our hearts and what we have. 

Conversation

She messaged me to say she dreamt of you
That you were dispensing advice 
Like you always do
That she misses you. 
We sat. Forlorn. 
Lost in a miasma of sorrow.
Separated by distance 
United in love of you.
How could you go - just like that?  
Without a clue, without warning.
Without giving me a chance to bargain with God.
Please let him stay. Just a while more.
Yet, life goes on. And so it goes_
In death, new life, harbinger of change.
He came into my life, unbidden, unwanted even
Turning my world on its head 
Making me smile despite my grief
Is one allowed to feel this way?
A delicious girl child in a desiccated, decaying hide?
Your last words prove pithy, prophetic even
Zero expectations. To go where Jesus leads
Marked by Ignatian indifference. 
Wish you were here to share my joy
Pray for us as you sit among the angels.

Bearing the loss

I have hit a wall. Since J left I have had to move on with life, attend to things that have been scheduled in my life, and act as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Sure, people commiserate with me, but I cannot possibly wear my heart on my sleeve and mourn as I feel deep inside.

So I bury all my emotions and just do, do, do. Life goes on. It does. But when night falls it is a different story. I fall asleep but I cannot rest for long. I wake up long before my body is rested. I pray, and I pray, for his soul, for God's consolation and healing for his immediate family. I go for weekday mass. I do everything I possibly can to lessen J's time in purgatory although I believe that he is already with God. The practical woman in me does the needful, and together with his closest friends, I have been helping to dispose of his belongings which he no longer has need of.

God has been very kind to me, sending me light in the person of P (thank you, P, for making me smile), but the sorrow runs deep. A part of me, when I acknowledge it, is weeping still, mourning. I know that this is all part of the process, part of my life's journey, and yet, right now, I feel oppressed by my heavy heart, and all I want to do is to retire into some dark hole alone and never come out.

Yesterday's Gospel from John 13 is the imperative to love one another in order to glorify God. As Father Romeo said in his homily, it is not an option, Christians must love one another: we need to rise to the challenge of loving imperfect people in an imperfect world with no mind for self gain or any form of reciprocity. He spoke about four things necessary to live out Jesus' new commandment to us:

We must listen. We cannot let our own preoccupations render us deaf to the cries for help around us.

We must be open, let the Spirit lead us to become more tolerant, more forgiving and more merciful in our families and faith communities.

We must be visible. Faith and good works are the mark of a good Christian. We are called to love one another in real ways, perform acts of love especially where the other cannot possibly reciprocate.

We must engage in life, fully enter into relationships and give of ourselves. Father Matthew took it a step further last Tuesday when he pronounced that Christians are called to give what is most precious to them for the benefit of others.

Somehow J's passing has become an invitation to me to LOVE as Father Romeo encourages us to for J lived his life that way: he was a great listener, open to others without judging them, he performed little acts of service for people wherever he went, and he engaged people, making them feel welcome and special.

To paraphrase Father Romeo, loving others means risking pain, hurt, betrayal and persecution, but it also means risking wonder, life, joy and peace. While the pain of loss may seem onerous to me right now, I am also grateful for this burden for it means I have loved well and lived fully. And that makes it all worthwhile.

Prepping for success

The Woman to Woman Ministry had our first outreach yesterday at Our Lady Queen of Peace and it was successful in touching the hearts of those who came. From a technical standpoint, there were many potential areas for failure to the point it was like a biblical literary device, the use of hyperbole to showcase the awesomeness of God.

We were pretty much an unseasoned team who ran a retreat programme that was overly ambitious for an audience of untold variation. There were young and old, cradle Catholics to recent converts; people from such different walks of life and on diverse points of their spiritual journey that it shouldn't have worked, but it did. There was something for everyone. Every activity was tailor-made for our audience who came with expectant or hungry hearts, and went home fed. As D told me two weeks ago, when I was balking at cantoring for the very first time (I know the limitations of my voice and I was reluctant to expose myself to criticism for I always wince at less than perfect voices): God does not choose the qualified but he qualifies the chosen.

From Moses, to Jacob, to David, from Sarah, to Rahab, to Mother Mary, each one of these people was chosen to play a role in God's salvation history. Let's not forget the apostles: from among them were unschooled and simple fishermen, sinners, murderers, cowards, and so on, but these past weeks of Easter readings speak of miracles and conversions of epic proportions.

There is only one requirement for each of us to continue the story of God's salvific love and mercy, and it begins with a fiat, a simple yes. A yes that speaks of commitment, obedience and  a complete reliance on the Holy Spirit. It was the Spirit who opened the hearts and minds of the participants so that they were willing to receive. It was the Spirit who put the right words into our mouths and spoke nourishing truths. It was the Spirit that bonded strangers and made them feel immediately at ease with each other. And it is the Spirit that brings us to Jesus and His Father.

What have I learned this weekend past? The success of every outreach doesn't require good marketing, a perfect programme or a team of experienced service team members. Certainly all the logistics do need to be taken care of, but more important is the disposition of heart of every service team member, and the effort spent in prayer and fasting.

We began praying for the outreach weeks before as we came up with the programme, and in recent weeks, we fasted and prayed. I also went for weekday mass and spent time in the adoration room whenever possible. The potency of prayer and fasting is unparalleled and it was proven yesterday. I am deeply humbled and I continue to include all the participants in prayer, that they will be inspired to go forth and spread the Good News with fresh passion.

Picking up the pieces

When a friend, E, sent her condolences to me over the sudden demise of my cousin, I said to her it's times like these that I wish I didn't love so deeply or were so involved in people's lives. I was in massive pain and could not stop crying for three days. I felt like I was going crazy for he was absolutely fine the last time I saw him. Plus, those younger than you have no right to go earlier.

She replied that's what makes life rich, meaningful and beautiful. I concur, and yet, it is also unbearably heartbreaking. I am ever grateful that many people prayed, and continue to pray, for not just the repose of J's soul, but for me and his immediate family. I managed to wake up very early on the day of the funeral, calm, which was what I needed to be to give J the proper send off, and it was a special one. The funeral mass was beautiful and those who came were touched by it.

Now that everything is over, here comes the really hard part, coping with the loss. On top of missing the person, one has to process feelings of guilt mixed with regret, of missed opportunities to show love, to have been more involved in that person's life.

We lament our busyness and self-absorption, our less than charitable thoughts, our less than admirable behaviour; if only I had known. If only... The thing is, we will never do enough even if we did do the best we could, and we will never fully appreciate someone, until they are gone. Sadly.

Letting go is very difficult but the words I proclaimed at the funeral mass from the book of Wisdom 4:4-14 console me and assure me that J is rewarded with eternal life now. He is with God, free to be the amazing and gorgeous person God created him to be, no more pain, sorrow, shame, tears, and fears. How much better can it get?

Even as I deal with the grief of losing J, I have seen many blessings that have come out of his leaving. The outpouring of love has been tremendous, from friends, family, fellow parishioners from Saint Teresa, and my ICPE communities. How can one not believe there is a God when His mercy is all encompassing and His love so abundant in times of tragedy?

J's leaving has taught me to treasure those I love a little more by being kinder, less impatient and more tolerant; to speak words of affirmation more frequently and tell those I love that I love them. It has also taught me to be less afraid of life, to go forth boldly and live fully, time is ticking, so what am I waiting for? But perhaps the biggest lesson would be to risk rejection by being open and vulnerable, and allow others to love me for who I am. If I do not let others through the front door of my heart, then I am only cheating myself of opportunities to encounter Jesus personally and letting Him love me.

Love is messy, painful, energy zapping, and it requires hard work and sacrifice, but love is also sublime, divine, and the call of every human heart. J, I have loved you from the day you were born, and I will love you to the day I die, and beyond. I look forward to our eventual reunion in God's embrace. In the meantime, I will honour your memory by attempting to be as gentle and hospitable as you were. This is how I will remember you best.    

Sudden departure

My cousin J passed away suddenly, unexpectedly yesterday. I am devastated and I cannot wrap my brains around this tragedy for we just met at mass on Sunday, and we hugged, laughed and chatted briefly.

Who is going to sit next to me at mass and give me the sign of peace by kissing me on both cheeks and hugging me the special way he did?

Who will praise my cooking, genuinely loving it, and eating it with such gusto as he did?

I am bereft. Utterly. He was my friend, my little brother, one of the special few I confided in and relied on for good advice. It feels as if a vital light has gone out in my world leaving me with a permanent ache in my heart from the loss.

Why, God? How can he be gone, just like that? The cute little boy with big eyes, who used to follow me around. The sensitive soul who understood my tears and fears, and made me laugh with his wicked wit.

While I know that life is transient, must parting be so vicious and awful? I will never understand why he had to leave so soon, although I know that heaven is definitely graced by his presence for his gentleness and wisdom touched many people here on earth and made this world a brighter and more beautiful place. He will be sorely missed. Requiescat in pace, my dear J, and chope me a place in heaven as you used to do in church. 

Easter signs and wonders

Talking to a couple of friends I was reminded that one can have everything, all the outward and material trappings, and yet still feel hollow and miserable. One can be liked and loved for who one is and yet not experience happiness because one feels fake, having no sense of identity or self-worth, and is therefore utterly lost.

I am at a loss at how I can help my friends, for they do not seem to want to do anything constructive. Perhaps they lack the inner resources to begin clawing their way out of darkness. I empathize for I was once like them. I can only be there for them, and let God do the rest, as He did with me.

Yesterday Father Valerian spoke about the importance of community, of being a part of a community of believers, for it is only with the help of others, others who believe in the power of love and who hope in the impossible beauty of the resurrection that we can move beyond doubt, fear and the limitations we place upon ourselves.

He asked if we had personalized the resurrection story, and encountered God's love up close, for if we had not, then we would remain as Thomas was, doubting and unsure of how God can move mountains in our lives. Our faith would not be able to grow for we would constantly refuse to see how much He loves us and we would not allow Him or His mercy to transform our lives.

Even as I journey with my friends, I realize that Jesus is asking the same of me, to take my faith to the next level, to get uncomfortably up close and personal, and expose my deepest desires to the resurrection story. I have to die to my self consciousness, my shame and my self-preserving fear; jump off the deep end, diving into the unknown with a humble, trusting and open heart.

Suddenly, Lent became a much less challenging proposition in comparison, and I find myself struggling to be a worthy Easter person. I am looking at Easter with different eyes. I don't like it as much as I used to... Why, Lord, can it not just be about rejoicing and feasting? Why must I participate fully in Easter by dying and resurrecting with you?

The Easter readings are filled with instances of physical manifestations of the resurrected Christ whom His followers do not recognize initially. There are stories of robust faith only after a conversion of mind and heart, à la Thomas. Scripture reveals a time of confusion, chaos, and challenge, but also speaks loudly of God's divine mercy: a time of many signs and wonders, of how putting one's self in the path of Peter's shadow could effect healing.

A large number of people from the towns in the vicinity of Jerusalem also gathered, bringing the sick and those disturbed by unclean spirits, and they were all cured.   
                                                                                                         Acts 5:16

The invitation of Easter is to live radically, on fire; to cast off the shackles of a constricting and deadly mindset, and adopt a whole new way of life, one that embodies a powerful, unitive love found in the resurrected person of Jesus.

Such radicality requires the support of friends and community. On our own, we can accomplish little. As I continue to lend support to my wounded friends, I rely on mine to help bring me to the side of the road where I can wait with expectant faith for the signs and wonders of Easter. Link hands and join in.

Easter song

When will I learn that God's ways are unique?

Alternative even, genius definitely.

Jesus came to save us by dying on the cross_

Three days later, resurrection.  

Linen cloths neatly folded, left inside the tomb.

He wins the war over evil by bringing new life

without violence and machinations.

We, too, have new life when we die to self

and live as God wills: true, good and beautiful.

As He is, so are we. Beloved.

Destined for eternal life by making this one count

Every day filled with joy, nuanced with meaning,

brimming with goodness, seriously infectious.

So when chaos breaks and gloom descends

when there is no light at the end of the tunnel,

kneel and pray for inspiration

God’s ways will come to perfection,

If I listen, then let Him write the next note
That's the Easter song I want to sing 

With an alleluia, start to finish.

Serve to love

Every time I attend the evening mass on Holy Thursday commemorating the Lord's Last Supper I miss my father dearly. The washing of feet reminds me of how I used to wash his feet. Looking back, caring for my father in his last days was my rite of passage into Christian adulthood. I grew up fast, in a very painful manner, but the lessons have stuck.

Life is all about love and love is all about service. Love one another as I have loved you. Jesus shows us the way in how He lived His life to the excruciating end. As His follower, I can only look for the many ways in a day where I can attempt to imitate His behaviour, especially by saying yes to unglamorous, humbling and thankless acts of service, without losing my passion to serve.

This Lent has been a rewarding for by giving up indifference, I have had to reach out and connect with many people, some I would not have normally done so. I have found the time both fruitful and joyous even though it has been physically exhausting, and my prayer time suffered for it (that's my excuse, anyway).

Today, Father Bosco shared how in a private interview with Blessed Mother Teresa when she was in Singapore, she answered a question posed by a seminarian on how to discern whether it was God's will, she simply said: Just do it. Rather than pondering if something is the right thing to do when it comes to being like Christ, and thereby missing an opportunity to serve, one should just roll up one's sleeves and get one's hands soiled.

I think Blessed Mother Teresa, like Christ, knew exactly what to do is because both of them spent solid time in prayer. Their commitment to prayer meant they knew what the Father wanted, pretty much all the time, I reckon, and they both could go the distance with innate grace, and graciousness. Thus, I need to recommit myself to real prayer time, not forgoing quality either, always a struggle for me. I may know what is asked of me, but I am not always the gracious giver I would like to be.

The Passion narrative today reminds me how I will never be able to match Jesus in self-sacrificial love, and how often I am, instead, the ungrateful, faithless and bloodthirsty mob. But since I have been personally marked by the redemptive love of Jesus, I will always do my best to walk the way He did. That today is not just Good Friday but the Feast of the Annunciation is truly special. I am grateful that Mother Mary said yes to being the mother who would suffer untold sorrow this very day, and to Jesus who said yes to dying on the cross today. Their obedience moves me to do the same: to love and serve, and serve with love.

Father, may I always have the strength to drink the bitter cup. 

Principles of peace

It's been interesting to really chew on chapter four of the encyclical Evangelii Gaudium and see how it can be put into real terms. Ironically, the reality is the ideals put forth by Pope Francis in this document do not seem to be put into practice in real life, especially in Christian communities.

So how should communities work together towards bringing peace and justice into a world filled with inequalities? Can we be one harmonious whole, united by a common vision, working to be in solidarity with the poor by bringing social justice and peace to all?

There are four principles we are encouraged to adopt (in chapter 4.3) to help us along, that I feel makes absolute sense in how I should live my life 24/7:

Time is greater than space 
Pope Francis says: This principle enables us to work slowly but surely, without being obsessed with immediate results. It helps us patiently to endure difficult and adverse situations, or inevitable changes in our plans. It invites us to accept the tension between fullness and limitation, and to give a priority to time. 

We are invited to adopt the parable of the weeds and the wheat; to initiate processes rather than possess spaces, and to put our attention to the bigger picture, openness to suitable processes and concern for the long run.

Living in a world that promotes instant gratification and celebrates individualism, it is so easy for me to fall into the trap of impatience and measuring my sense of self worth by how much I have accomplished in real terms (not a bad thing in itself to have a vision, mission and to set goals, but I don't think Jesus fussed with KPIs in the business of His life and ministry, nor are we judged by secular standards of success when we stand at the Pearly Gates).

In embracing this principle of living in God's time, it has helped me persevere in difficult relationships and situations instead of giving up and walking away. It has been a journey, and still is, of keeping the faith, showing up and being loving even when I personally want to throttle someone. And when I feel like I am hitting a stone wall, I must rely on the Holy Spirit to be the drop of water that propels me to keep dripping on the stone surface of hostile intransigence, and allow God's timing to be transformational for both me and the other.

Saint Peter Faber said time is God's messenger, so as long as I know the processes I am pushing through are sound, I just have to keep chugging ahead even when the storms threaten to drown me and the world laughs at me and thinks my efforts sad. As Derek put it, surviving the storms makes for a more compelling testimony than giving someone the red carpet story to salvation.

Unity prevails over conflict
Most of us do not deal very successfully with conflict. We either ignore it and walk away, or we stubbornly refuse to let go of our own perspective until we lose the plot. The Pope proffers a third way: the willingness to face conflict head on, to resolve it and to make it a link in the chain of a new process. “Blessed are the peacemakers!” (Matthew 5:9).

To build communion even amid disagreement,  we are asked to be magnanimous, to be willing to go beyond the surface of the conflict and to see others in their deepest dignity. Ultimately we must be guided by the principle of unity so that we are willing to overcome our own personal dislikes and prejudices, to work towards diversified and life-giving unity, preserving what is valid and useful on both sides.

Pope Francis suggests the best way to remove the roadblocks is to look inward: this reconciliation of differences is within ourselves, in our own lives, ever threatened as they are by fragmentation and breakdown.[183] If hearts are shattered in thousands of pieces, it is not easy to create authentic peace in society.

Hit a conflict, look inward. His advice is simple, yet extremely tough to accomplish. I know I'd much rather whine about someone else's ridiculous pigheadedness than my own. It's also more satisfying to point fingers than admit to my own shortcomings and work on them. And if I am right, I am going to rub the other's nose in it and make sure everyone knows I am right, forget mercy. Unity, what's that?

Father Raniero Cantalamessa in his third Lenten sermon wrote: "Go, leave your ‘I’ behind, deny yourself. Everything belongs to me now. Your life is changing, my face is becoming your face. It is no longer you who live but I who live in you.”

When I allow Jesus to live in me, His humility gives me the much needed perspective and objectivity to love someone despite still actively disliking him or her, and to act intentionally towards keeping the peace even if it sticks in my craw. Yarning it out with the Father definitely helps me discover the logs in my eyes and to see things in a new light so that I am able to carry supernatural wisdom into conflict situations. It is not a pleasant or speedy process, but if I truly desire unity, there are always a way to resolve conflict. I just have to allow myself to be guided by the Holy Spirit, time and time again, no matter how long it takes.

As Father Cantalamessa writes: This is the only way to overcome the teeming mass of envies, jealousies, fears of embarrassment, rancors, resentments, and antipathies that fill the heart of the old self—in a word we need to be “indwelt” by the gospel and to spread the scent of the gospel.

So when conflicts arise, may we all keep our hearts within the Father's heart and therefore see through His eyes, and act with His heart within us.

Realities are more important than ideas
The Pope reminds us that: Ideas – conceptual elaborations – are at the service of communication, understanding, and praxis. Ideas are great, but when they are disconnected from the realities of life, they become just so many words, impressive sounding rhetoric, but impractical and unintelligible to most.

Pope Francis writes: This principle has to do with incarnation of the word and its being put into practice. He points to Jesus, the word made flesh and reminds us that this word is constantly striving to take flesh anew, and that this incarnation is essential to evangelization. The saints knew this, and in following closely in the footsteps of Jesus, inculturated the Gospel in the life of peoples. We are invited to do the same in our current times. 

This principle impels us to put the word into practice, to perform works of justice and charity which make that word fruitful says the Pope. The only way we put the word into practice effectively is when we spend time in prayer, allowing the word to gestate and give birth in us.

Father Cantalamessa highlights that a missionary commitment is exposed to two principal dangers: 'inertia' or 'feverish and futile activity' that has lost contact 'with the wellspring of the word and its efficacy.' He warns: This would be setting oneself up for failure. The more the volume of activity goes up, the more the volume of prayer should go up. Someone could object that this is absurd because there is only so much time. That is true, but cannot the one who multiplied the bread also multiply time? Besides, this is something God is always doing and that we experience every day: after having prayed, we do the same things in less than half the time. 

Thanks for the great reminder, Father C. Knowledge or book learning is great, but it is how we apply knowledge, our ideas born of both knowledge and wisdom in the real world that will make a difference. Inculturating the Gospel requires me to first hear the cries and understand the needs of those around me, and to respond with my gifts, amplified by prayer-inspired wisdom, prayer that is centred on the Word and the Word incarnate, Christ Himself.

The whole is greater than the part
Think global but act local pretty much sums up this last principle. The Pope writes: The whole is greater than the part, but it is also greater than the sum of its parts. There is no need, then, to be overly obsessed with limited and particular questions. We constantly have to broaden our horizons and see the greater good which will benefit us all. But this has to be done without evasion or uprooting. We need to sink our roots deeper into the fertile soil and history of our native place, which is a gift of God. We can work on a small scale, in our own neighbourhood, but with a larger perspective. 

He goes on to remind us that there is a place for everyone in the universe. It is the convergence of peoples who, within the universal order, maintain their own individuality; it is the sum total of persons within a society which pursues the common good, which truly has a place for everyone. 

This is the integrity of the Gospel, that the prodigals, the lost, the weak, the marginalized, even the dubious each has a place in the world, and each one has the opportunity to be found, to be healed and to receive the unconditional and generous love of the Father.

As the Father has found me and brought me back into the fold, I would like to help Him do the same with others, and I am grateful I have a community of brothers and sisters to depend on and work with in bringing the Gospel to others. In being effective missionary disciples, we need to remain plugged into what goes on in the world, home and abroad, without falling into the danger of a "them and us" mentality as we set about changing the environment we are in.

The world is not without its problems, the poor, the homeless, the marginalized, the oppressed, the abused, the forgotten, the old, the sick, the defenceless, the persecuted... we have our work cut out for us if we are to bring peace and justice into our spheres of influence, to work for the common good. With these four principles* guiding our actions, it will definitely help us accomplish what Jesus did in His time. Let us, too, work for peace.

* Read chapter 4.3 of Evangelii Gaudium 

Retreat refreshed

I had an awesome weekend. I am exhausted and falling sick, but I am also uplifted, and excited about all the insights I have gained over the one and a half day retreat I went on with a few of my W2W Ministry sisters (thank you, sisters, for being part of my journey all these years). Although it was short, and we did a little bit of everything (we even went for a prayer walk on the Southern Ridges and got the heart pumping), it was what I needed for I am been having the spiritual blahs. I am especially amazed at the faithfulness of God who repaid my little effort to spend more time with Him by giving me fresh heart.

Being good, being faithful all the time can be wearing. It can weigh heavy on the soul for there are so many hearts crying out for healing, so many wrongs in the world to set right, and even though I know I am not the Messiah - only He can save - I am sent by Him to go out into the world to spread the Good News.

However, my world can be trying, for no matter how much I encourage those around me, speaking life-giving truths, it would seem ad nauseam, some choose to stay in darkness, for years, preferring its rank, subzero climate. I get frustrated and disheartened when I see no discernible difference over long periods of time. At the same time, I know being a missionary disciple requires stamina for much as I would like instant results, I am called, as Father Arro put it, to be a farmer who plants the seeds and tends painstakingly to them, but leaves it up to God's timing as to when they will bloom and fruit.

It was refreshing going back to basics again, to acknowledge who I am, the beloved daughter; and revisiting my gifts, reviewing if I do indeed put them to good use.

Side bar: Even if one is clueless about one's gifts, one can still be an effective disciple for as Pope Francis said in Evangelii Gaudium 121: Our falling short of perfection should be no excuse; on the contrary, mission is a constant stimulus not to remain mired in mediocrity but to continue growing. I say Amen to that.

One of the passages we reflected on was the paralytic man in Mark's Gospel, chapter two. My take away from that was although I am a sinner, I can be healed, especially if I rely on others. I realize that while I am always looking after others, I do not let others administer to me as readily. My reticence is due to a lack of confidence that others would want to help me, a sort of reverse pride, and also to my own introverted and stoic nature. This weekend was a reminder that I need others as much as they need me, all the more if I want to be healed and forgiven of my sins.

Today Father Arro (thank you, Father, for facilitating an insightful weekend) spoke about the power of the resurrection and I was personally encouraged that the resurrected Christ comes to look for me to let me know that even though I may have many failures and shortcomings, He still believes in me and wants me to be His messenger to others. So even when things seem most hopeless, the Resurrection always conquers death, bringing new life with it. The question then is do I live the power of the Resurrection with enthusiasm and vitality?

I finished the retreat knowing I need to rest more for being physically tired will not help me go the distance I need to travel. Exhaustion makes for grouchiness, poor health, errors in judgement, carelessness, indifference and pessimism, all things I can stand to lose. I also need to pray more, to intercede more for others as well as allowing Christ to speak to me in the quiet, contemplative moments. His input is vital for without Him, I can do nothing. I know this, and yet, I straddle between being like a fragmented whirlwind of activity and a distracted and brain-dead zombie feeding on my addictions.

The Scripture that spoke most to me comes from John 4:24: God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth. If I wish to continue moving and living in the Spirit, I must worship in spirit and truth. To me this means being open and attentive to His promptings, and to not place strictures on the mystery and awesomeness of God. It means to let go and let God reveal His truth to me and through me by letting go of my own judgements, prejudices and perceptions, renewing them constantly. It will not be easy, but it's definitely something for me to work on. Retreats rock!

Fasting abundantly

The Lunar New Year and Lent often coincide, which I always find a tad discordant. The Lunar New Year is all about abundance and the 15 days of family gatherings and feasting veer toward the excessive. It was with no small relief that I entered into Lent on the third day of the LNY, and I even welcomed the obligatory fasting of Ash Wednesday.

So what am I doing this Lent to live it, as Pope Francis exhorts, more intensely as a privileged moment to celebrate and experience God’s mercy? The Pope encourages attentive listening to the word of God. He singles out Mother Mary, whose receptivity allowed her to be evangelized by the Holy Spirit, who made her virginal womb fruitful.

In attempting to be open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, fasting from indifference so to speak, I have found many opportunities to engage in works of mercy, both spiritual and corporal. Every day I have been presented with chances to help others, show my love for my neighbour, and it all becomes a question of where I place my energies for the needs of others can and do conflict with my busy work week. I cannot do everything. I need to find the balance.

It has been difficult and I have recently overstretched myself and find myself physically exhausted. So it is time to pull back a little. Pulling back means being less Martha-like to being more like Mary who sat at the feet of the Lord to listen. Otherwise, I am teetering on the edge of tired grouchiness and impatient intolerance, which completely defeats my good intentions of a fulfilling Lent.

Thus it is good to have a quiet weekend to rest, catch up on housework, cook and reflect on what the Holy Father has to say:

For all of us, then, the season of Lent in this Jubilee Year is a favourable time to overcome our existential alienation by listening to God’s word and by practising the works of mercy. In the corporal works of mercy we touch the flesh of Christ in our brothers and sisters who need to be fed, clothed, sheltered, visited; in the spiritual works of mercy – counsel, instruction, forgiveness, admonishment and prayer – we touch more directly our own sinfulness. The corporal and spiritual works of mercy must never be separated. By touching the flesh of the crucified Jesus in the suffering, sinners can receive the gift of realizing that they too are poor and in need. By taking this path, the “proud”, the “powerful” and the “wealthy” spoken of in the Magnificat can also be embraced and undeservedly loved by the crucified Lord who died and rose for them. This love alone is the answer to that yearning for infinite happiness and love that we think we can satisfy with the idols of knowledge, power and riches. Yet the danger always remains that by a constant refusal to open the doors of their hearts to Christ who knocks on them in the poor, the proud, rich and powerful will end up condemning themselves and plunging into the eternal abyss of solitude which is Hell. The pointed words of Abraham apply to them and to all of us: “They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them” (Lk 16:29). Such attentive listening will best prepare us to celebrate the final victory over sin and death of the Bridegroom, now risen, who desires to purify his Betrothed in expectation of his coming.

As I enter into the second week of Lent, I ask for perseverance to continue to listen attentively and to make this season of fasting one of great abundance. 

The beauty in joyful living

January has skated by in a blur. Given my laid-back December, I have taken on as many classes as I could get to pay for my recent vacation extravagances, and God has been faithful in providing for me for I have been extremely busy. Despite the dense weave of work commitments, community/ministry meetings and lunches with friends (one of my resolutions this year is to be a more attentive and engaged friend), I have managed to stay mindful and live in God's presence more frequently (another resolution to make this Extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy count personally).

One of the things that has stood out for me during this busy time is how much joyful living is a decision I must will every day.  It is so easy to be short with people and slide into grouchiness given my physically challenged state but since I made the decision to be this busy, I must do it with a cheerful heart and demeanour. As Father Arro put it in his homily last Sunday, the question to ask in prayer daily is show me how and who I should fall in love with today?

I am ever aware of the transience of time and how finite are the hours I have left with the people who mean much to me like my ageing mother. I will not be here forever myself and I will only pass this way once, so making every minute meaningful, and more importantly, delightful, for myself and others, is paramount.

Some of the ways I achieve joyful living include, not surprisingly, prayer, lots of it, and allowing myself to be gratified by beauty. When it comes to prayer, the intercessory prayer of others has helped me immensely. I am fortunate to be surrounded by many people whom I can rely on to intercede on my behalf when I need some extra mojo. Knowing that people who love me are praying for me gives me new heart, while praying for others in turn keeps me grounded in proper perspective.

Keats wrote Beauty is truth, truth beauty. Beauty and truth are God's special gifts to humankind, as is love. My happy place is my weekly walk with my mother in Gardens by the Bay. We both love visiting the domes to see what's blooming that day. The beauty of flowers speaks to us and this shared appreciation of nature is our special bonding time not just with each other but with the Creator for in the face of beauty we both see God. I treasure these walks for the ineffable joy they give me.

Beauty is not just to be found visually, but it is presides in the quotidian mores of life. Beauty hides shyly in the little things, the simple things - shared laughter, simple dinner conversation, the serendipity of a look exchanged, the healing, loving acceptance of a soul bared, courageous vulnerability, and even the unexpected smile of a stranger. It is found especially in the imperfect gestures of care and affection we exchange with the significant others in our lives.

So I like to wind down at night by recalling the beautiful moments that have graced any given day and pay proper homage to them by thanking the Lord for His generosity. I also examine the frustrating moments to seek the beauty in them and do likewise. If beauty can be found even in darkest night in the faint twinkling of a star, beauty is present even in our ugly encounters with people in the way we were given the grace to respond in graciousness. We, too, can create beautiful moments, and cultivate our own inner beauty, in how we respond to bad situations or challenging people with grace.

This is the crux of joyful living. Not only do I recognize and celebrate the inherent beauty of my life, I create as much beauty as I can by walking in the light of the Spirit, the Spirit of love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I do my best to cultivate the quiet beauty of virtues like prudence, courage, temperance, justice, modesty, honesty, humility, hope and mercy.

Unfortunately we are increasingly socialized to focus so much on external appearances that it doesn't take much for us to be self-serving, shallow and vain. Just pick any reality TV programme that chronicles the lives of the rich and famous and you will see that the beauty celebrated is often superficial, crass even. What the world considers beautiful is mostly lacking in substance.

It is therefore worthwhile remembering Saint Paul's words to the Corinthians for love as described by Saint Paul is impossibly beautiful and priceless:

Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.

Have a beauty-filled day!

Waiting on God's time

Just 10 days into the new year, a relationship which I value greatly, that has been on ice for years inexplicably thawed out. I was amazed (still am), and it has been delightful to have the old B back after more than a decade. I have missed him sorely.

To this day I am mostly unclear as to how it descended to such depths of animosity given the previously close bond we enjoyed, but there you have it, human egos and sensibilities are fragile. We hurt easily and we hurt each other just as easily. We erupt into anger without any good reason at times other than pride, and we take ages to forgive and forget. We cling on to our points of view with fanatical fervour, forsaking good sense and compassion.

While I have never stopped loving B all this time, and I have always tried to take the high moral ground, to be mature and forgiving, it has not been easy. Try hugging a hedgehog, it is infinitely less painful. I have ping-ponged from bewildered hurt to searing anger, to righteous indignation, to inconsolable sorrow, to hardened indifference, and to calm resignation and back through the years.

At the same time, this estrangement has helped me become stronger, gentler, and more reflective as a person. I questioned myself, my intentions and my behaviour frequently. Am I really that bad? While at the time I felt helpless and unable to fix this particular relationship despite my desire for reconciliation, I refused to give in to bitterness or hopelessness. Instead, I worked on other relationships in my life even as I kept asking for the grace to be loving towards B regardless of his behaviour toward me. I also committed our relationship to the Lord for His healing then I waited, and waited. And waited.

Last week I met with my SD and we were talking about this jubilee year and what does mercy imply. He said we are called to be farmers for farmers have to work hard every day and wait for the right time to reap the harvest. They have to be able to read the signs. He added into the mix the parable of the darnel and the wheat (Matthew 13:24-30). Sometimes we have to allow the darnel, the weeds in our lives to keep growing among the wheat, and to deal with it only at harvest time. If we are impatient and insist on weeding, then we may damage the whole crop. Thus to be a spiritual farmer requires patience and wisdom to accompany others even when they may not fully appreciate our presence, or are still ensnared within the weeds of sin. It is tiring and thankless work and we must be prepared to go the distance even when faced with repeated setbacks and failures.

When he shared this aspect of mercy with me I could relate for I have had to continuously weed out my own animosity and despair over the years even as I let the situation play out as it will. I have had to keep fertilizing our encounters with generosity, compassion and forgiving love (even when I felt like throttling him). On my own strength I would have given up a long time ago and walked away in disgust. Therefore the current situation is due to the Almighty and Him alone. Leaning on His grace, and His timing, was sufficient for me.

When I look back on all the difficult moments I am awed by the goodness of God, the goodness that has kept me joyous, hopeful, faithful, wise and strong. I am grateful for the incidental fruit that were born of this fractured relationship for my persistence blessed other relationships inadvertently.

Today I give thanks to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and to His mother and the entire community of saints, heavenly and earthly, who have prayed alongside with me through the years. God is truly good all the time.

Keeping the joy alive

The year began with many people I know and love, who are experiencing tough times. Some are truly undergoing real doozies, while others are experiencing garden variety problems (at times self-inflicted) that while unpleasant and do inconvenience life, are not what I call cataclysmic.

The irony of it all is that the people who are going through genuinely challenging times have gritted their teeth and are soldiering on cheerfully. Their problems do not define them nor do they let adversity diminish their joie de vivre. It is those who are undergoing the blips who are completely engulfed by their difficulties and totally bent out of shape. They are stressed out, hair-trigger snippy and kinda zap all the fun out of life.

I have to admit I have less patience with the latter and it takes a whole lot more energy from me to be present and sympathetic. At the same time I do realize that their emotional distress is real and I do try to lend a listening ear even if inside I am marvelling at how the depth of distress does not, at all, match the severity of the issue.

They make me reflect on myself. Am I like that? Whining and complaining that life is terrible, so stressed out that people around me find it difficult to be around me? Am I an energy vampire? I agree, it is hard not to take life personally, that is, to think that I am the only person in the world experiencing my problems, poor me, why is it only me, so I truly thank God that my level of faith helps me get a handle on things.

When life threatens to overwhelm me I pray. Somehow the ability to admit I am not in control and to ask for divine help calms me and enables me to look at things differently. My circumstances may not change, although there are times miracles do manifest and what I thought impossible happens, but what's more important is that internally I am given the grace of wisdom and fortitude to chill, reflect and then know what I can do in order to move forward, be it a change in thinking or behaviour.

Prayer, connecting with God, liberates me and I am able to divorce myself from the situation so that I can still experience joy and gratitude in any given day no matter how "bad" it was. I am also given perspective. While my situation may not be ideal, it is nowhere near the plight of those who have to worry about their next meal, or who are maimed and severely handicapped for life (I recently met someone who was slashed by her stalker and reduced to permanent breathing and walking difficulties as well as constant physical pain).

I can draw on faith, a deep-seated conviction of a love, God's love for me and the world, that conquers all. Christ's self-sacrificial love has already won me the redemption of eternal life so that no matter what happens in my life I know I am protected, cherished and never alone (nothing and no one can separate me from the love of Christ). I am also empowered by my baptism to overcome obstacles and calamities that come my way, turning them into opportunities to re-invent myself and find new life.

Today is the feast of the Baptism of the Lord and as Archbishop Francesco Follo reminds us: the feast of the Baptism of Jesus will be for us not only a moment when we get to listen to his Gospel with joy, but also an invitation to be witnesses of Christ with a life lived in joy, because in the Son we are loved and forgiven children.

We are encouraged to remember we are consecrated by virtue of baptism meaning: We are all called to offer ourselves to the Father with Jesus and like Jesus, making a generous gift of our lives, in the family, at work, in the service of the Church, in works of mercy.

I can only hope that through the ups and downs of my life, in living out my Christian identity given to me through baptism, the Holy Spirit will be alive within me so much that the Father say, "You are my daughter, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased" (Luke 3:22).

Follow the star

For me, the magic of Christmas is in the readings and the carols we sing during this season, not the gifts or the merry feasting. There is much beauty in the story of a king born in extremely humble circumstances, without fanfare, and first worshipped by poor shepherds who were informed by jubilant angels. Here is a king who loves the poor and the marginalized, who favours the least among us. I do not have to worry that He will spurn my love or find me unworthy of loving. He accepts me just as I am, in my poverty of self doubt, crippling fears and sinful ways.

Then there is the story of Epiphany (Sunday past): how star-led Magi find this tiny baby king and how they paid homage with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. And so the birth of Jesus, God's promise of love for the whole world is revealed. The Magi inspire me to keep my eye on the star, the light that will lead me to Christ, and to pay proper obeisance to a ruler who will lay down his life for me.

I like this reflection by Archbishop Francesco Follo:

At Epiphany, the Savior continues to be a light for the peoples of every time and every place. To the Magi, coming from the East to worship him, the light of the newborn king takes the form of a star in the sky, so bright to attract their attention and guide them first ,to Jerusalem  then from the royal palace of Herod to new Royal Palace: the cave-stable in Bethlehem.

Everything around him looks like an extremely poor earthly reality. But those watching with eyes of faith, thanks to a bright sign, can see the King of kings. What is this royal sign by which the Magi then and we now can recognize the King of kings in the Son of Mary, in the humble condition of the child who lives in a poor stable? It is the Star that shows the way and the place where to meet the King who saves.

This star shows the way to these seekers of Infinity, because they look at the sky and try to well interpret the signs. The Magi are people who wonder about reality, not being satisfied with the response of others. They seek a deeper understanding of reality and of the meaning of life.

This extraordinary star, that could be called "theological" because it "speaks of God” and “teaches about God", after leading the Magi from the East all the way to Bethlehem, Indicates and teaches that this Child is the Son the Most High God, the Prince of Peace.

If, like the Magi, I seek to comprehend what life is asking of me,and I am attentive to the Spirit's prompting, then I will be able to see the star, and, by faith, to follow the star to Jesus.

The Magi prostrate themselves to the authority of love. They believe in this infinite love contained in the infant Jesus.

In front of this baby, recognized as the awaited Messianic King, the Magi prostrate themselves in a sincere act of worship and then offer some symbolic gifts: gold, frankincense and myrrh. These gifts offered to the Messiah "symbolized true worship" (see Saint John Paul II). They are gifts that express a faith established by the encounter with Jesus, who is King to be honored with gold, God to be worshiped with incense and a prayer that rises to Him like the most pleasing incense, and the Man, Son of God, who died for our salvation.

Like the Magi, today we are invited to renew, before the Incarnate Word, our act of faithful adherence by offering not only the little or the lot that we have, but ourselves as a sacrifice holy and well-accepted to Him. It is thanks to this daily offering of self that we become, in the world and for the world, signs of the new humanity redeemed by Christ and witnesses of the mystery of love celebrated at Christmas.

Like the Magi, let us be amazed by the love of God that comes to us, and let’s kneel in front of the Incarnate Word, Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives among us and in the Eucharist. Let’s go to church more often, let’s sit by the altar and humbly imitate the Holy Magi, offering the gold of our love for God and our brothers and sisters, the incense of our praise and our prayer, and the myrrh of the suffering that never fails in our lives.

What a beautiful description of faith we are invited to put into action, to submit completely to the authority of love and to donate ourselves totally to God. Some may struggle with what sounds like submission to a way of life that requires great sacrifice. But Archbishop Follo writes so aptly:

....the gift of self to God is not a renounce to live, but “it is a renounce to what are the limits of a living like a poor and infirm creature to live the fullness of a life immense as the divine life "(Divo Barsotti, January 6, 1963).

Giving ourselves to God is not submissive act made by people who are weak-minded or who refuse to think for themselves, rather it is an act of humble wisdom that sees beyond the superficial, and of stouthearted courage to adopt a new and radical way of living. It is saying yes, again and again, to the way of God, of peace, love and mercy even in the face of hostile aggression and hatred.

The year ahead promises to be a busy and challenging one for there are many things I would like to see happen. The only way I can bring my hopes and dreams to fruition is if I keep following the star to look for Jesus even when I am uncertain, and when I do find Him, to sit and enjoy, then act on the epiphanies that come from adoring the King of Kings.