Since J's death I have not been sleeping well and I wake up way too early. While frustrating, and I have been literally falling asleep as I teach (sincere apologies to my clients), the one good thing out of this period has been the opportunity to attend weekday mass.
This is something I have not done recently with any regularity, due, in part, to my work schedule, but I now realize I can be more consistent, especially if I make it to morning mass. What a privilege and joy it has been to start the day with Jesus, giving thanks and receiving Him into my heart.
My prayer life has amped up as well due to a recent development besides J's death. I have met someone. We are in a committed relationship discerning the possibility of marriage next year. Such serious undertaking merits prayer, and lots of it. We have both agreed that we will marry if the Lord reveals in this year of courtship that He has chosen us for each other.
Aside from weekday mass, I have been frequenting the adoration room much more, and working on my relationship with Jesus who is my penultimate Spouse and Lover. Should P and I stand before the altar, we will be a party of three, Jesus will be in the centre, the one who seals our marriage covenant and binds us sacramentally to each other.
While through the years I have tried to make sense of what my vocation is, seeing as I have known it to be marriage and motherhood since 2003, I reached the point of true indifference to marriage in the conventional sense in recent months for I have learned to express my vocation of marriage and motherhood in many other ways which have fulfilled me, and blessed others. I had even begun discerning consecrated life. I only agreed to meet P because I realized that he was part of my discernment process for consecrated life. He, and Jesus, have since convinced me that perhaps marriage is for me, after all.
I have to say I still find all this a little baffling. The pragmatic woman in me questions the validity of this committed relationship. Marriage is for women who are young, vibrant and fertile, able to give birth, bring new life into this world. I, on the other hand, am entering a state of life that signals biological infertility. I feel the weight of my years and I am not sure what I bring to the table here.
Being older, I am not so pliable, and I know exactly what I want and am not as shy as I was about asking for it, qualities that do not maketh a good wife exactly. I keep telling P I am not easy. I'm difficult (just ask my family). Well, he can't say I didn't warn him (yes, P?).
All that said, I am just going with the flow right now, having fun getting to know him better (and it has been fun), and cultivating friendship which I believe will be foundational for a successful marriage. May Jesus continue to guide us and be our tour director on this journey of courtship. In the meantime, I will rely on the Spirit to animate and purify our hearts and what we have.
This is something I have not done recently with any regularity, due, in part, to my work schedule, but I now realize I can be more consistent, especially if I make it to morning mass. What a privilege and joy it has been to start the day with Jesus, giving thanks and receiving Him into my heart.
My prayer life has amped up as well due to a recent development besides J's death. I have met someone. We are in a committed relationship discerning the possibility of marriage next year. Such serious undertaking merits prayer, and lots of it. We have both agreed that we will marry if the Lord reveals in this year of courtship that He has chosen us for each other.
Aside from weekday mass, I have been frequenting the adoration room much more, and working on my relationship with Jesus who is my penultimate Spouse and Lover. Should P and I stand before the altar, we will be a party of three, Jesus will be in the centre, the one who seals our marriage covenant and binds us sacramentally to each other.
While through the years I have tried to make sense of what my vocation is, seeing as I have known it to be marriage and motherhood since 2003, I reached the point of true indifference to marriage in the conventional sense in recent months for I have learned to express my vocation of marriage and motherhood in many other ways which have fulfilled me, and blessed others. I had even begun discerning consecrated life. I only agreed to meet P because I realized that he was part of my discernment process for consecrated life. He, and Jesus, have since convinced me that perhaps marriage is for me, after all.
I have to say I still find all this a little baffling. The pragmatic woman in me questions the validity of this committed relationship. Marriage is for women who are young, vibrant and fertile, able to give birth, bring new life into this world. I, on the other hand, am entering a state of life that signals biological infertility. I feel the weight of my years and I am not sure what I bring to the table here.
Being older, I am not so pliable, and I know exactly what I want and am not as shy as I was about asking for it, qualities that do not maketh a good wife exactly. I keep telling P I am not easy. I'm difficult (just ask my family). Well, he can't say I didn't warn him (yes, P?).
All that said, I am just going with the flow right now, having fun getting to know him better (and it has been fun), and cultivating friendship which I believe will be foundational for a successful marriage. May Jesus continue to guide us and be our tour director on this journey of courtship. In the meantime, I will rely on the Spirit to animate and purify our hearts and what we have.
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