Just 10 days into the new year, a relationship which I value greatly, that has been on ice for years inexplicably thawed out. I was amazed (still am), and it has been delightful to have the old B back after more than a decade. I have missed him sorely.
To this day I am mostly unclear as to how it descended to such depths of animosity given the previously close bond we enjoyed, but there you have it, human egos and sensibilities are fragile. We hurt easily and we hurt each other just as easily. We erupt into anger without any good reason at times other than pride, and we take ages to forgive and forget. We cling on to our points of view with fanatical fervour, forsaking good sense and compassion.
While I have never stopped loving B all this time, and I have always tried to take the high moral ground, to be mature and forgiving, it has not been easy. Try hugging a hedgehog, it is infinitely less painful. I have ping-ponged from bewildered hurt to searing anger, to righteous indignation, to inconsolable sorrow, to hardened indifference, and to calm resignation and back through the years.
At the same time, this estrangement has helped me become stronger, gentler, and more reflective as a person. I questioned myself, my intentions and my behaviour frequently. Am I really that bad? While at the time I felt helpless and unable to fix this particular relationship despite my desire for reconciliation, I refused to give in to bitterness or hopelessness. Instead, I worked on other relationships in my life even as I kept asking for the grace to be loving towards B regardless of his behaviour toward me. I also committed our relationship to the Lord for His healing then I waited, and waited. And waited.
Last week I met with my SD and we were talking about this jubilee year and what does mercy imply. He said we are called to be farmers for farmers have to work hard every day and wait for the right time to reap the harvest. They have to be able to read the signs. He added into the mix the parable of the darnel and the wheat (Matthew 13:24-30). Sometimes we have to allow the darnel, the weeds in our lives to keep growing among the wheat, and to deal with it only at harvest time. If we are impatient and insist on weeding, then we may damage the whole crop. Thus to be a spiritual farmer requires patience and wisdom to accompany others even when they may not fully appreciate our presence, or are still ensnared within the weeds of sin. It is tiring and thankless work and we must be prepared to go the distance even when faced with repeated setbacks and failures.
When he shared this aspect of mercy with me I could relate for I have had to continuously weed out my own animosity and despair over the years even as I let the situation play out as it will. I have had to keep fertilizing our encounters with generosity, compassion and forgiving love (even when I felt like throttling him). On my own strength I would have given up a long time ago and walked away in disgust. Therefore the current situation is due to the Almighty and Him alone. Leaning on His grace, and His timing, was sufficient for me.
When I look back on all the difficult moments I am awed by the goodness of God, the goodness that has kept me joyous, hopeful, faithful, wise and strong. I am grateful for the incidental fruit that were born of this fractured relationship for my persistence blessed other relationships inadvertently.
Today I give thanks to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and to His mother and the entire community of saints, heavenly and earthly, who have prayed alongside with me through the years. God is truly good all the time.
To this day I am mostly unclear as to how it descended to such depths of animosity given the previously close bond we enjoyed, but there you have it, human egos and sensibilities are fragile. We hurt easily and we hurt each other just as easily. We erupt into anger without any good reason at times other than pride, and we take ages to forgive and forget. We cling on to our points of view with fanatical fervour, forsaking good sense and compassion.
While I have never stopped loving B all this time, and I have always tried to take the high moral ground, to be mature and forgiving, it has not been easy. Try hugging a hedgehog, it is infinitely less painful. I have ping-ponged from bewildered hurt to searing anger, to righteous indignation, to inconsolable sorrow, to hardened indifference, and to calm resignation and back through the years.
At the same time, this estrangement has helped me become stronger, gentler, and more reflective as a person. I questioned myself, my intentions and my behaviour frequently. Am I really that bad? While at the time I felt helpless and unable to fix this particular relationship despite my desire for reconciliation, I refused to give in to bitterness or hopelessness. Instead, I worked on other relationships in my life even as I kept asking for the grace to be loving towards B regardless of his behaviour toward me. I also committed our relationship to the Lord for His healing then I waited, and waited. And waited.
Last week I met with my SD and we were talking about this jubilee year and what does mercy imply. He said we are called to be farmers for farmers have to work hard every day and wait for the right time to reap the harvest. They have to be able to read the signs. He added into the mix the parable of the darnel and the wheat (Matthew 13:24-30). Sometimes we have to allow the darnel, the weeds in our lives to keep growing among the wheat, and to deal with it only at harvest time. If we are impatient and insist on weeding, then we may damage the whole crop. Thus to be a spiritual farmer requires patience and wisdom to accompany others even when they may not fully appreciate our presence, or are still ensnared within the weeds of sin. It is tiring and thankless work and we must be prepared to go the distance even when faced with repeated setbacks and failures.
When he shared this aspect of mercy with me I could relate for I have had to continuously weed out my own animosity and despair over the years even as I let the situation play out as it will. I have had to keep fertilizing our encounters with generosity, compassion and forgiving love (even when I felt like throttling him). On my own strength I would have given up a long time ago and walked away in disgust. Therefore the current situation is due to the Almighty and Him alone. Leaning on His grace, and His timing, was sufficient for me.
When I look back on all the difficult moments I am awed by the goodness of God, the goodness that has kept me joyous, hopeful, faithful, wise and strong. I am grateful for the incidental fruit that were born of this fractured relationship for my persistence blessed other relationships inadvertently.
Today I give thanks to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and to His mother and the entire community of saints, heavenly and earthly, who have prayed alongside with me through the years. God is truly good all the time.
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