Lenten reality

Ever had one of those periods where your life seems to descend into chaos and your time is not your own?

This has just happened to me recently and part of it was my own fault.

It began innocently enough, the writing of my module one paper. The incipient tiredness that invaded my body after, and the need to reward myself after working so industriously (never mind that this last-minute, late-night rush could have been avoided) caused me to spiral into late-night watching of mindless drivel that passes off as entertainment.

While my schedule did not help for I suddenly had many useless blocks of free time in between classes and ended up leaving the house early and coming home late, I allowed time to slip away and felt the emptier for it. Physically exhausted and spiritually depleted.

Not everything I did was meaningless for it's easy to apportion time for others and for tasks that need to be done, but I left the welfare of me and myself out.

As I spent time living very much in the future, planning my next hour and rushing from place to place, I ignored my screaming muscles that protested my misuse and neglect of them.

I suppose I could say that the grace of getting older is that the body no longer allows such ill treatment for a protracted period of time, and so I have begun my climb out of this quicksand of brain-dead inactivity. More like forced to move.

Father David said that Singapore is one of the most utilitarian bent cities he has ever lived in: we value things according to their function. I have to agree.

As women are naturally inclined and socially reinforced to be nurturing and giving, we often place others above ourselves to the extent of self-neglect. This inclination, coupled with the value we place here on achievement can be deadly.

We often think that I am worthless if I do not show how giving I am by making someone feel better, by organizing an outing, by accomplishing... we are constantly out there from the get go and doing, doing, doing.

I think I have failed quite miserably this Lent from fasting from this need to do and to show how much I am worth based on my "useful" activity.

And so I resolve to make the latter half of Lent a time of moderation and a time for prayer - not because I have to, but because it will be doing something that is as fundamental as breathing to stay alive.

Not prayer for the sake of gaining heaven brownie points or for the desired outcome of inner serenity, but prayer because I am made to contemplate my love, gratitude and joy of being simply alive.

Thank goodness for Lent. I just have to make it real now.

Clean hands, pure heart

I have a theme song for Lent. Give Us Clean Hands written by Charlie Hall.

It is not a new song but I was recently taught how to sing it and the lyrics just resound with me for it is taken from one of my favourite psalms - Psalm 24 - and it encourages us to live out the principles of TOB*, that is, sacramentality of the body.

The song also brings me to the heart of Lent, to remember who I am, how I came to be and what I should be doing. To be humble and singular in focus.

We discussed solitude last Friday and how, through it, we have all experienced incredible intimacy with Jesus, and yet, we are so easily distracted as to not make the extra effort to seek the goodness of this love in solitude. Why?

It's like knowing what is good for me and yet not doing it, and then moaning to myself about how blah I feel and wishing I could do something about it. Kinda dumb, but there you have it, so typically human.

Thus this Lent I hope to make that extra effort and hopefully be rewarded for my discipline by experiencing spiritual renewal.

Clean hands, pure heart.

There's nothing more pleasurable than being fresh and clean after a shower, especially in hot and humid Singapore where being sticky and stinky is pretty much the prevailing condition by day's end (you just have to travel by train at 6:30pm to know what I mean).

Cleanliness is truly next to godliness for being clean lets me feel good in my body.

As for purity of heart, may Jesus be my soap and the Holy Spirit my water.

*Theology of the Body

As lovers do

I learned a new word last week. Acedia. It describes a state of being where one is restless yet listless; the inability to care about one's condition or position in the world thereby resulting in the inability to work or pray. It is a state of apathy where one does not care for anything and flees from the world.

It is also one of the seven deadly sins, more popularly known as sloth, but with a wealth of meaning that transcends the definition of pure laziness. As Father David pointed out, it is more than just a Garfield-like personality.

When I heard this, I immediately thought, wow, this is me; this is one of my biggest propensities to sin.

While I am always aware of my responsibilities, when things start to overwhelm me (for I am not exactly the most organized person in the world) I start to pretty much avoid the things I ought to do and do the things I ought not do, to paraphrase Saint Paul.

I grow deaf, mute and blind all at once to key priorities and fuss with the easy lesser ones instead. Or I just avoid everything by burrowing my head in the sand. Or I coast: watch TV and coast.

And when things get tough or rough, my first instinct is to give up and chuck it all. It takes great effort to convince myself (thank goodness for my spiritual director and wise spiritual guides, not least the Holy Spirit) into staying the course.

Tied closely to this is my experience of freedom. Do I see freedom as the capricious whimsy to do whatever pleases me while rationalizing as long as I don't hurt anyone, it is okay?

Or do I see it as the ability to deliberate and work hard at harmonizing a motley mix of blooms, leaves and branches into a beautiful feast of flowers that brings pleasure to all who see and smell it (thanks SD for that wonderful image)?

At times, I do feel weighed down by my own expectations of what I will do in response to the situations and people around me and I do wallow in apathetic non-action, but then, I also know in choosing what seems to be the easier route (read cop-out) will not leave me sitting comfortably in my skin for it would be going against who I am and what I stand for in life.

In the aftermath of the devastating earthquake in Japan and its consequent tsunamis, what do I do, what can I do? It is just so simple to be appalled for half an hour and then forget it all, living as I do in my unaffected cocoon.

Certainly I cannot right the situation, given my limited abilities, but I can do something, by giving what I can to aid efforts, by not forgetting, and as banal and useless as it sounds, praying, for prayer does work.

Although I don't know anyone who was affected by the catastrophe, I am still bonded by humanity to reach out and help. For to do nothing is akin to acedia.

In his book Before I Go, Peter Kreeft says this about freedom, that the wise do not speak of it for "Lovers want to be bound, not free. They don't seek freedom because they are already free if they are lovers."

I was born with the freedom to choose and I choose to be a lover and to do as they do, that is, to love.

Home truly

Since I returned home from my three-week vacation, I've been working and meeting up with friends while adjusting back to the time zone and humidity.

Apart from being intensely delighted to sleep in my own bed again, I've enjoyed picking up the threads of my life in the Lion City.

Work. Home. Church. Class. W2W meetings. I have been busy and a little tired, but there is a sense of satisfaction that comes from being where I should be: Home.

Recently Total Defence launched a new version of "This is home"*, one of Singapore's many National Day songs designed to invoke a sense of belonging among Singaporeans.

I love this new version for it is schmaltzy yet kinda cool, and the chorus** of this Dick Lee song says it all for me:

This is home truly, where I know where I must be
Where my dreams wait for me, where that river always flows...
...This is where I won't be alone...

When I returned home after graduation, I had a bad case of counter-culture shock. I hated the sanitized environment, strict censorship rules, how people were not civic-minded or courteous and the dearth of good concerts/performances. I found it difficult to fit in and just hated being back.

The things that bugged me back then have become niggly, piddly peeves for I have grown to appreciate how I can take my personal safety for granted. I also like the political and economic stability and how there are no racial or religious divides: my Muslim friends wish me Merry Christmas, and I, in turn, greet them Selamat Hari Raya or Happy Eid during the season.

Although Hawaii represents home to me in many ways, Singapore takes precedence for it is where the people who mean most to me reside: family, friends, the various communities I belong to, and clients who have become friends.

I have carved a dwelling place for myself in the land of my birth. My life here is pregnant with meaning, filled with good things, where I have experienced great loss and found new beginnings.

Perhaps as I get older, different things represent happiness to me. I value love over self-seeking pleasure. I honour tradition over novelty. I choose the freedom of purity over the addiction of lust. I appreciate inner peace over chaotic thrills.

I no longer think I need to be elsewhere to be fulfilled but that I am exactly where I should be, doing what I should be doing, living the dream, cruising down reality.

In truth, I am home.

* http://thisishome.com.sg/
** http://lyrics.wikia.com/Kit_Chan:Home

A case for people-pleasing

Today A. brought up again how it irks her to see people-pleasers doing their thing to gain attention.

It was funny when she first brought it up last week for I recently thought it was not such a bad thing to be a people-pleaser for I discovered I was one of the highest order while on vacation.

I do agree with her it can be irritating to see sycophants do their obsequious best to get what they want be it approval, affirmation or affection, but I have learned to be more tolerant of people-pleasers for we are all people-pleasers whether we admit it or not, to a greater or lesser degree.

Plus, people-pleasers suffer from the irrational belief that they must be liked by everyone and usually have low self-esteem. They go through hell when they feel slighted or rejected so they are not exactly having fun. And, they get taken for a ride by unscrupulous users ever so often. A little compassion is in order... something I tell myself repeatedly as I grit my teeth at times.

Getting back to my vacation experience, I put a lot of time and energy into getting the right accommodation and when I was there, I tried my best to cater for individual preferences for I wanted everyone to feel at home and have a good time, especially those who were visiting for the first time.

I was like a little girl eagerly showing off her favourite toy and hoping that others would see why it was so wonderful. Hawaii is special to me and I wanted others to be able to see her beauty and to be charmed by her unique flavours and character. To be as in love with her as I was.

I have to say I did get stressed when things were not going smoothly or as planned, but the major difference was that I did not dwell on my failures (yes, I did take it personally, so call me dysfunctional) AND I found time to enjoy myself.

It gives me great pleasure to see someone I love enjoy themselves. If I am, therefore, able to enhance their positive experience, so much the better. So yes, a lot of the joy I experienced during my Hawaiian holiday was due to the fact that others were having a good time and I was able to help make it happen.

It was not so much people-pleasing to feed my ego or to feel validated, good about myself, but people-pleasing as an act of love.

Of course one can take it to the extreme, where one subsumes one's own likes and preferences in order to please others, and is left feeling empty, discontented and cheated to the point of subconscious hostility and irrational anger.

My remedy to avoid playing the martyr for I so hated it when my grandmother pulled that one on me is to seek to do God's will in all things.

Before I even went on vacation, I offered my desire for a Hawaiian vacation to the Lord and asked for His blessing. So when everything coalesced into a reunion of trans-continental and multi-generational proportions, I knew it was meant to be even though it was not exactly what I envisioned, or wanted.

During the weeks there, I began the day by thanking Him for making it all possible and asking Him to lead all of us even as He laid His protective hand over each of us and kept us safe.

So yes, I was a big time people-pleaser when I was there but my motivation was to repay my Father's own generous efforts in giving me my heart's desires and filling me with joy. Try as I might, I could never quite match up to His efforts.

Laughter mingling with the cool breeze as we chatted lazily by the ocean front. Being awed by the most graceful hula dancer I have ever witnessed. Music so magical it transported one into another world. Luxuriously long mealtimes, punctuated by perfect moments of serendipity. The time together was unbelievably good.

Pope Paul VI said man cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself. In giving myself to the creation of a perfect holiday, I found myself with a sense of rightness and strength that was affirming and pleasing to myself. I was fulfilling my vocation fully, even on vacation.

While I will always be a Martha, fussing around trying to make everyone comfortable and grousing a little when I perceive a less than satisfactory outcome, unlike Martha, I can draw back and enjoy the scene of conviviality before me and take in the moment with a Mary-like stillness.

And that is why people-pleasing is not such a bad thing, especially in moderation, and with the right motivation. Wouldn't you agree with me, A.?

Blessed nakedness

Last week, K. challenged each of us to stand in front of the mirror, unclothed, to examine ourselves and see what came back.

We are doing JP II's TOB and this exercise was for us to understand what original nakedness meant for each of us; to be naked without shame before God.

Given the beauty industry's ever-changing but definite ideas of beauty, it is never easy to accept my body for it is far from the "ideal".

When I look at myself in the mirror, I immediately see the imperfections, and more recently, my scar, an obvious 15.5 cm line that sits above my pubic symphysis.

This fills me with a sense of faint regret, for not dealing with the fibroid earlier, for my body now bears the scars, external and internal and I am still dealing with the consequences of my dilatory decision.

But that aside, I am more comfortable with my naked body than I ever have been. Sure, I still don't like that my tummy bulges out so alarmingly and my thighs are more generous that I would like them, but my body reveals the beauty of my spirit, the essence of my being to the exterior world.

JPII says the body reveals a personal and spiritual mystery and it is through my body that I can express and make incarnate God's love to everyone I meet.

Without my hands, I could not cook, teach, write, bring relief, comfort, soothe... without my lips, I could not elicit a responsive smile, affirm, dialogue, counsel, encourage, kiss... without my feet, I could not go forth, dance, welcome, journey with, meet, guide... I would not be able to share with you my interior world, my life, without my body.

Nakedness, physical or otherwise, is not comfortable for it calls for vulnerability, openness and humility. However, it is the only way to meet Jesus, for only in my willingness to appear before Him naked do I see the truth of who I am and how much He loves me.

And faced with the naked truth, shame dissipates like early morning mist in the ambient sunlight. There is nothing more healing than the Father's gentle and forgiving "interior gaze".

Don't just take my word for it, get naked and see for yourself.

BLESSING
In the garden, he and I are face to face.
Deliberately I shed my thorny brokenness
and icy grey fears,
Stripped of pretense and shame,
Naked, I kneel at his feet,
Vulnerable and waiting.
He places his hands on my head,
A tender weight on my crown.
"I will make your name great.
A blessing you will be."
Awed and trembling I bow my head
As he wills, let it be done to me.

Fun and happiness

I have just spent the last 20 days in Hawaii and it was pure, unadulterated fun. The opportunity to hang out with my brothers who do not live in Singapore as well as my mum's siblings who live in Australia and Canada and my Australian cousins was especially extraordinary.

Within this family reunion, I also met up with my college friends in Kauai where we visited chocolate and coffee farms, were awed by the Waimea Canyon, spotted whales at the Hanalei lighthouse and went uke shopping in Kapaa and rum tasting at the Koloa Rum Company.

Back in Honolulu, it was a joy to share with the extended family the beauty of Hawaii with a trek up Diamond Head and stops at all the usual tourist attractions, especially Waikele Premium Outlets... We also got to hang out at the beach, watch some amazing hula and listen to live music every other night.

Within all that time, huge quantities of poke, lomi lomi salmon, kalua pig, laulau and loco moco were consumed, not forgetting multiple mai tais and Longboards. Thank goodness we also did loads of walking.

Besides all that, I found time to visit with friends, and more importantly, to go for daily mass at Saint Augustine's which was a necessary oasis of peace in the midst of all that seeing, doing and experiencing.

Just as I reflected on choices this vacation, I also reflected on fun and happiness. Baby bro seems to think that fun is largely lacking in my life and my lifestyle is devoid of pleasure for I don't seem to do a whole lot of fun stuff. Was he right?

Although I may lead a seemingly boring life for I don't get out much and I don't pub or club, I do enjoy my quiet life. He forgets that being an introvert, I am quite happy to chill out on my own. Having a ball on my own comes quite naturally.

My highs come from the sheer pleasure of being alive and living in the moment, be it teaching, writing or just being the kay poh* perfectionist that I am.

As I get to know, accept and love myself more and more, testing my strengths and weaknesses along the way, I am also able to express myself more fully as the woman I was created to be - and this gives me much satisfaction and intense pleasure.

While I really had a lot of fun on vacation, I am equally happy to be home and look forward to getting back into my routine. For even in the humdrum and mundane activities of life, I am able to capture unexpected yet fun snapshots of moments. And that for me is clear indication that I am most content, quietly buoyant, to be exactly where I am.

Sure, I get frazzled and uptight, but that's just my Martha streak showing (which happened even on vacation). I always want to do everything and be everywhere all at once. And I also want everything to be perfect - for everyone. But there is hope for I am learning to just chill and let the moment flow over me like a cool wave.

The search for authentic happiness is inborn in all of us, therefore we tend to expend a lot of time and energy in pursuit of happiness, sometimes forgetting that things like money, power, fame, good health, acclaim, pleasure and position cannot bring true, lasting happiness.

Instead, the ability to be happy is well within our capability for only human beings can synthesize happiness. We can choose to be happy despite disaster and hardship, or in spite of great wealth and fortune, and vice versa.

That said, there is a distinction between fun and happiness and I remember how in the past I could be engaged in fun activities desperately trying to be happy and not really succeeding, whereas now I am able to derive fun from even boring church meetings for I am happy in my own skin and with my life.

Let the fun continue and happiness unfold as I keep my eyes turned upon the One who made all this possible.

* busybody

Choice vacation

Every choice we make changes us. Every single one. This was for me such an obvious yet most profound statement when Father David uttered it in class some weeks ago.

I took it with me as I went on holiday and it was most fruitful reflecting on it as I went about the days of having fun and spending time with people whom I loved.

There are many reasons why I love Hawaii: the climate, people, food and the mana or spirit of the land; and how it was a place of strength and independence for me as a teen poised on the brink of adulthood.

It was also here where I fell in love – with life and all its fascinating possibilities.

Unfortunately, I also bought into the liberal, relativistic lifestyle here and made choices that were neither judicious nor salubrious.

During my college reunion on Kauai, C. asked M. and I what were our goals this year. We have been goal-setting since our first meeting and on reading my first set of goals set some 20 years back I can see how my aspirations have changed and how little I knew of what I wanted out of life back then.

I was unsure, confused and angst-filled, a young woman who had no idea who she was or what she wanted or needed.

In seeking to find meaning in my life, I wandered downs roads that brought me nowhere but heartache, until I chose the road that led to what C.S. Lewis calls the "Beatific or the Miserific Vision".

While it has been difficult to eschew old ways and embrace new ones, I am able to see that each time the choice for "good" becomes easier, less onerous, less costly, for every time I make that choice, it orientates and changes me.

As Hawaii was where I found "freedom", the temptation is always there to submit to old ways of expressing freedom. It was therefore liberating to realize that these past inclinations no longer held any attraction for me this trip.

This vacation was a college cum family reunion, and a departure from my usual R&R ones, but in all its busyness and crowdedness (sharing an apartment with five, six people versus time alone), it was a wonderful and enriching time.

I return, a changed woman, one who is stronger and more certain of who she is, and one who is wealthier from the new bonds she has made with family members overseas.

So glad I chose, and choose, to delight in the law of the Lord.

Child of light

Last week I stumbled across a quote by Marianne Williamson which I thought absolutely brilliant. From her book A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles" titled Our Deepest Fear, she wrote:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Whether it's fear of inadequacy or power, darkness or light, we are our own worst enemies, when we are afraid to go beyond frontiers, to test our limitations again and again and press on despite repeated failure, or to pursue and nurture a passion just because it defies common sense.

By the time I was in my mid-thirties, I had packed up my dreams for I had bought into the idea that there was a certain order in the universe that I could not buck and I was resigned to a life of frustrated mediocrity seasoned with disappointments and missed opportunities.

This was until I came to the realization that I had a vocation, a mission in life that spoke of untapped potentials and burgeoning possibilities to be explored.

To be powerful beyond measure - not in the way the world understands power, but to be an infinite and unique channel of grace in the lives of those I know and meet every day.

All I had to do was be that child of God Williamson wrote about. The child who realizes she owes her existence to God, understands how much He loves her and knows all she has to do is to simply be that child.

While the truth of my identity is quite apparent, the devil, as they say, is in the details, the details of how to live as that fearless child whose vision is untainted by cultural filters that can be so limiting and destructive.

I am bombarded by internal and external messages daily that I am not good enough, that a woman is a member of the weaker sex, that my worth as a human being is infinitesimal for I do not hold a position of influence or have a career worth speaking about, that I am not smart enough... the list goes on.

It requires a steadfast single-mindedness to be guided in all things by my Father who knows best and not give in to the skewed standards set by the world.

Pope John Paul II defines holiness as receptivity to the gift of the Bridegroom. Only by responding with the open and trusting heart of a child, can I then "conceive the love of God from within and bring it forth into the world".

This openness of heart means letting go of fears, old habits, perspectives and prejudices, to try new things and travel more profound depths, taking many leaps of faith along the way.

It means striving hard and working towards realizing my gifts and actualizing my self. Not forgetting to enjoy the journey along the way.

It also means to constantly check where I am to see if I am on the right track, and then to see if I am keeping pace or dragging my feet?

Williamson's quote is a reminder to walk boldly forward in the new year, not to shrink but to expand (spiritually only, I hope) and to play it big. And when obstacles come my way, to let God's will and wisdom ease me forward.

Only in this way can I liberate my own dreams and maybe those of others, too.

Friends forever

One of the best gifts in life is someone whom you thought was a social kind of friend but turns out to be someone you can count on when the going gets rough. A was such a friend.

It was 1987 when I had just returned from my studies abroad and found it hard to fit back into life at home. My escape was jazz class and that's where we met.

She was an older woman but full of verve and energy, not afraid of looking silly in class. We clicked for A was ultra-friendly, funny and had a gift of being honest to the point of rudeness that absolutely had me in stitches.

It also amused me no end how she tut-tutted my job-hopping ways (she worked for one employer her entire life) and decried my single state of life (which she tried numerous times to remedy with her rather disastrous match-making efforts).

Besides shared laughter and interests, what makes a friendship one that lasts until death intervenes?

In this instance it was the outstretched hand, offered voluntarily out of love with no thought of reward or compensation, that wove a flexible, enduring bond that began life on a tenuous thread of common interest.

A was a casual friend and my modern dance buddy. We met occasionally, some years more than others, some less, and we enjoyed each other's company when we met. That was the relationship we had, light and easy.

Until she saw an opportunity to help me in a period where I was struggling and she reached out in love, and with great perspicacity and generosity

That was the tipping point of our relationship. I loved her for that singular act of love that transformed my life.

A and I used to dance to this song by Michael W. Smith and it says exactly how I feel, especially the chorus:

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cos the welcome will not end
'Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends.

Thank you A for enriching my life in so many ways. When I grow up I want to be just like you, especially the candour that was so endearing. Right now, people just find me rude.

Rouse up heaven with your inimitable flair, tell God how to run heaven and say hi to G for me. Miss you.

For Anna

J just messaged me that you are gone.
I am stunned by the suddenness of your leaving,
My throat is tight and my heart heavy with grief,
My eyes sockets ache from the weight of yet unshed tears.
I just saw you last week and you were fine,
We talked. We laughed. You offered me crisps.
I chivvied you into working hard,
To connect your mind and body as you move.
I smiled at how you stuck your tongue out at your mistakes.
We had spoken again just Wednesday past,
Making plans for me to come visit you next week.
And now you leave me, in the last sigh of breath.
Is life fair that death should visit so early in the year?
I am bereft, robbed of the pleasure of your friendship.
But then, you are with G. again and I cannot deny
Your pleasure at being together with him once more,
For I know how much you have missed him.
I am glad for the time we had these last few months,
You were my angel here on earth and I know
You will continue to look out for me.
It's just that now you do it from another place.

Fun days

Baby bro asked me a question a couple of days ago, what do I do for me time - to relax and have fun?

The question threw me for a loop for it is one I usually pose to stressed out friends (not one usually directed at me), and also because I couldn't really give him a valid response for a while.

Well, I do have plans this new year and I am quite excited about auditing a course on moral theology called Personal Compass: Navigating Ethical Ambiguity but that hardly qualifies as fun.

I had to think hard before I came up with an answer that satisfied him, that is I intend to buy a ukulele and take lessons this year.

His question set me thinking - do I do fun stuff, am I a fun person? Why did I have to struggle to answer him?

I no longer dive, much as I would love to, due to time and cost constraints. Anyways, that was a very occasional avocation.

Right now, I don't do anything that brings me pleasure and helps me unwind apart from an occasional glass of wine or umeshu, which is a frightening realization.

The last performance I attended was only because I wanted to bring Mum for she enjoys live music.

I rarely hang out with friends who lead equally busy lives.

I haven't stepped into a cinema in ages. I don't even listen to music much although I love music and it moves me.

I haven't danced in years although I love to dance. I still read, but not books that would qualify as light reading.

Hmmm... all I do in my free time is blog, surf the net and watch cable TV. Not good.

No wonder my body is stiff as a board, creaky and growing sideways.

So yes, I am going to prioritize fun activities in 2011, activities which include being outdoors and pushing myself physically so I experience a rush of endorphins on a regular basis.

In honour of my baby bro, whose birthday it is today, I am going to model him and learn to lighten up and get moving.

I wouldn't want to turn into someone with "spiritual bad breath" who has no idea how to laugh at herself and is a pain to be with.

It would be pointless to be a person who does "good deeds" but does them without any joy (I have been rather frazzled and snappish lately so yes, I could definitely be less wired).

Thanks for the reminder, bro. Bring on the fun.

Past lessons

As always I cannot believe how the year has just gone by in such a flash. And once again, I am left with a sense of sadness and regret mingled with a sense of accomplishment and gratitude for how my days have unfolded.

My biggest achievement this year was my silent retreat for it jump-started my sleeping soul to awake from the torpor it had been in for many months.

I am profoundly grateful for such a WOW experience of God, an incredibly insightful and wonderful second naivete.

Even now, eight weeks later, I feel more centred and integrated, with a rejuvenated sense of mission.

The year 2010 has been a year of many losses, a melange of people and personalities who have touched my life are now gone. I still grieve with those who are left behind, for the void is still palpable in the lives of the living.

What these losses, and my May surgery, have taught me is to value the time I have with those I love. Every meeting, every opportunity to connect with someone, be it my mother or an ex-colleague, is precious.

This heightened sense of awareness leads me to treasure life as I live it and to express gratitude for every experience, good and bad.

Our bodies require a balanced lifestyle - frequent exercise and a moderate diet - to remain in homeostasis optimally. I have never felt this more so than now when my body protests any abuse quite vocally.

Although my energy levels are almost back to normal, I must still watch how I push my body for it does not like it when I disconnect mind and body when under fire.

My wish for next year is that I reside more in my body and that I treat it with greater respect than I currently do.

I have also come to the realization that no matter how hard I try, my life will always be busy and trying to do everything I want to will always be a huge juggling act.

The only thing I can do, to safeguard my psychic and emotional well-being, is to ensure I schedule me time into the equation. And more importantly, quiet time with the Lord.

He is the centre of my life and when I do not live out this truth, I always end up untrue to myself for I lose clarity as I meander down a deviated pathway.

As I cherish and nourish my relationship with my Saviour, I intend to continue strengthening the bonds I have with the people around me.

Take what I have begun this year, build on it and move all my relationships to a deeper and more satisfying level of interaction.

And this is how I will honour the past of my mistakes and accomplishments, my joys and sorrows, my losses and gains; to take everything experienced, dissect it and reflect on how to learn from it. Then map and execute a course of action, every day.

I would like to walk a straighter path, and shine as a brighter light. With my past to help me, I know I can make it happen.

Christmas wishes

amid the glasses clinking, holiday feasting

a child like no other came into this world

He is the real reason for celebrating

for He will be the one who saves the world

yet His gift is mostly disparaged, forgotten

among the gifts that glitter and wow

we forget we are a city not forsaken

when we act like kings who cannot bow

although I love Him, I am just as guilty

of not taking time to pay Him homage

caught up in Martha-like hospitality

that wearies me and brings calorie damage

what i wish for is time to sit and chill

make room in my heart for the newborn lad

to radiate peace on earth, to all, goodwill

enthrone Him within; serve with spirit glad

to the ends of the earth banish sadness and pain

we can, if we embody the crux of Christmas

it's all about love, making it our daily refrain

and with the Family rejoice beyond Candlemas

Love reflections

As Advent draws to a close with the lighting of the fourth candle (that represents love) last Sunday, I am suddenly surrounded by people in pain, physical and psychological. People in need of relief, of comfort.

While love is my ethos in life, and I find it easier than joy to attain, I have to be careful to pace myself for my tendency is to do too much, to the point of mental and physical exhaustion.

It's always hard to set boundaries when I see someone in pain but as I am not in such great shape myself, I have been nursing my need for self-preservation lately.

Love of self must come into the equation of loving, for without the ability to love myself, I would not be able to love others in a true self-giving fashion.

Previously, when I lacked the ability to love myself, I found myself lacking in many areas and I was always hungry for the love of others.

In my relationships, there was always a fear that others would also find me as lacking as I found myself. So in order to win their love, I would bend over backwards to be the perfect friend or girlfriend.

I would subsume my self in the process and could never just be me in a relationship, unafraid to be loved, warts and all.

Although old habits die hard and I sometimes feel like that unlovable, dislikeable person inside, I now know that Jesus loves me just the way I am and that is sufficient endorsement for me to rise above my low self-esteem and tell myself I am indeed worthy of love.

Every day I am learning to love myself as He loves me. For seeing myself through the Lord's eyes of love is illuminating.

I can see possibilities I never saw before.

I can hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

I can trust that no matter how awful or bad I am He will always love me and that knowledge arms me with power to be courageous and boldly optimistic.

I find myself more able to love others in ways that are not self-serving or motivated out of fear. Thus, I am free to love unconditionally, with no desire for recompense or recognition.

As I become more adept at being loving and caring in ways that come naturally to me, I ask myself how and what next, for Christ's love is inclusive and unconditional, and if I wish to imitate Him, I must love to the point of uncomfortable vulnerability, and include those whom I may not like or deem undeserving.

This calls for humility in loving. To never think of myself as above anyone. To always let God lead me rather than forcing my will on others and what I think is best for them.

It also calls for a finely tuned sensitivity to know when to go forward, or take a step back. To know when to give in to a situation, or to nudge someone along. To have the wisdom to know what the other needs before he or she even thinks of it.

Perseverance is also needed, to never give up on a person or situation and to let God do His thing in His own time.

And, of course, mercy. For without gentle compassion, an act of love is flat, one-dimensional and devoid of real warmth.

My constant reminder to myself is to never think I am God, for in any given situation, when I have brought about a good outcome, it is not I, but the Lord who has effected the change. And only He can make the impossible happen. We are but His channels of grace.

On the eve of His birthday, the one who is God-is-with-us, I offer my willing heart to love as He loves and hope that it will be a gift worthy of a king.

Hard-won joy

Just when I said I was going to live with joy this week, what should surface in my life but fear from the changes around me, changes that bring disquiet and unease into my heart.

I can just hear the Lord gently challenging me, "How strong is your faith? If you believe in me, then you know I will take care of you, no matter what. Haven't I already done so all these years?"

And I, of course, have to hang my head low for what I am facing right now is nothing compared to what I had to previously. What is more galling is my faith seems weaker at present, compared to what  it was.

It's ironic but it's the niggly changes that eat away at my equanimity more so than the obvious and gargantuan ones.

Here is where I have to fight my inclination to atrophy in complacency and relive a fundamental truth: death leads to new life.

Change is inevitable. Situations and relationships must evolve, and in the process, die many deaths in order to give birth to new possibilities that are unimaginably rich and portentous.

Rather than avoid or resist change which is both a useless exercise and a waste of psychic energy, I must trust in God's plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11-13), be open to how the future unfolds and have sufficient faith to adjust accordingly without cowardly deviations that subvert my integrity.

If I continue to seek God's will in my life with fierce single-mindedness, I will not lose sight of the truth of who I am and what I should be doing, come what may, and I can then forge ahead.

G.K. Chesterton said: "Courage is almost a contradiction in terms: it means a strong desire to live taking the form of readiness to die."

I don't have to like the changes that are happening around me, but I can still live with peace and joy in my heart.

All it takes is a little courage.

*******

Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.

-Alice Mackenzie Swaim

Joy of living

Joy or happiness is something we all desire in life and we often go to great lengths to attain what we perceive might give us happiness, forgetting it's not something we can grasp in our hands, but a state of being that can be independent of environmental factors.

We are not helped by the commercialism of the upcoming festive season as we work ourselves into a frenzy of Christmas shopping.

It's just so easy to lose focus and make Christmas about giving and receiving unnecessary, expensive gifts, and feasting and drinking to excess. Where joy is understood as doing, doing, doing and not simply being.

I find that feeling happy is not something that makes an impact on my consciousness like despair, anger or gloom. I actually have to ask myself how I feel in order to identify my sense of wellbeing.

What gives me a sense of lightheartedness, inner peace or satisfaction is sometimes so nebulous and transitory that I have to reflect back on the day past in order to recognize these fleeting moments of quiet exultation or pleasure.

I am glad for the practice of prayer that allows me to connect to my interior life and my inner self, the self that is naked and trusting before the Lord, free to be beloved and beautiful.

This coming before Him and realizing that everything I have comes from Him enables me to recognize the blessings I have received in the day and to be grateful; to consequently give thanks.

In gratitude oft lies joy, and a peace "the world cannot give" so that even in difficult times, I can hope without losing faith or come tumbling down like a house of cards.

When Mary said yes to being the mother of Jesus, she must've known she was in for a tough time. How was she going to explain to Joseph, her fiance, that she was pregnant by and with God?

How was she going to explain the scandal of pre-marital pregnancy to her family and friends, something so dishonourable that it could lead to her death by stoning?

She must've been terrified and confused, yet filled with joy; desperate to have someone acknowledge her still secret condition, so when Elizabeth and the foetus John responded with such joyous affirmation, she simply burst into a song of great exultation.

The great joy evinced by the protagonists in the Visitation scene clearly marks them as people of unyielding faith (John was to demonstrate this when he grew up) and largely in tune with the Spirit.

During an Advent talk I attended, the concept of consecration was raised. To be set aside for God. If we are all created to be dedicated to God, to be holy people, how do we fulfil this aspect of our "design"?

Like Mary, Elizabeth and John the Baptist, we must be completely open to the Spirit who will guide us and not allow the joy of the Lord to abandon us even in times of uncertainty, destruction and loss.

As for me, I aim to live joyously, especially during this third week of Advent, for what could be more wonderful than the miracle of life given and redeemed?

Eucharistic peace

The second Advent candle lit today symbolizes peace. Faced as we are with not just the threats of war or civil unrest around the world, but also disharmony within families, is world peace ever attainable?

Isaiah talks about the wolf and the lamb living together, the lion with the calf - possible only if we let a little child lead us. While Paul echoes this in his letter to the Romans - if indeed we follow Scripture and live as Jesus did, then we can hope to see the peace of Christ in our communities and our lifetimes.

In attempting to bring about peace, we are called to be radical, like John the Baptist. As Fr. Arro pointed out in his homily today, we must not give in to the darkness but instead we must be the light shining in the darkness, illuminating the way and transforming people's lives.

I started the morning saying to God, are you kidding? It is too monumental, an uphill battle all the way and I am not confident I have it in me to be a peace-maker, or a hope-spreader, for that matter.

Could I "let peace begin with me"? (There was something I needed to do today and I was quite apprehensive about it.)

The word Eucharist comes from the Greek word eucharistia which means thanksgiving and in many ways lately, I have been reminded of the power of the Eucharist, the most recent being Pope Benedict XVI's Apostolic Exhortation Sacramentum Caritatis, the Sacrament of Charity.

The Eucharist is the "source and summit" of life and the "food of truth", if we recognize it as such. For the sacrifice of Jesus was no small one; through it, good has triumphed over evil. The battle has been won.

These are truths we are all familiar with but do we believe them and do we act as people who are in touch with these truths?

To bolster my confidence, I went to the adoration room and spent some time with Jesus before mass.

I sat, at first, in self-doubt, surrounded by my fears, but as I began to offer up my emotions and insecurities, a sense of peace stole over me.

In acknowledging my own limitations and shortcomings and inviting the Spirit of Jesus to take over, my heart grew calm and I knew that I only had to rely on God's wisdom and all would be well. And it was.

I am amazed at how things unfolded this afternoon and I can really see that wisdom is, as interpreted in the Bible, to know God and to do what He wants.

While the fractured world around me will not become whole overnight, I know that I can make a difference, insignificant as it may be, and I should not be afraid to try.

As I journey further into the second week of expectant waiting, I am hopeful that I can see justice "flourish and peace till the moon fails" if I rely on the gift of the Eucharist to lead me.

A precious gift I am eternally thankful for.