A case for people-pleasing

Today A. brought up again how it irks her to see people-pleasers doing their thing to gain attention.

It was funny when she first brought it up last week for I recently thought it was not such a bad thing to be a people-pleaser for I discovered I was one of the highest order while on vacation.

I do agree with her it can be irritating to see sycophants do their obsequious best to get what they want be it approval, affirmation or affection, but I have learned to be more tolerant of people-pleasers for we are all people-pleasers whether we admit it or not, to a greater or lesser degree.

Plus, people-pleasers suffer from the irrational belief that they must be liked by everyone and usually have low self-esteem. They go through hell when they feel slighted or rejected so they are not exactly having fun. And, they get taken for a ride by unscrupulous users ever so often. A little compassion is in order... something I tell myself repeatedly as I grit my teeth at times.

Getting back to my vacation experience, I put a lot of time and energy into getting the right accommodation and when I was there, I tried my best to cater for individual preferences for I wanted everyone to feel at home and have a good time, especially those who were visiting for the first time.

I was like a little girl eagerly showing off her favourite toy and hoping that others would see why it was so wonderful. Hawaii is special to me and I wanted others to be able to see her beauty and to be charmed by her unique flavours and character. To be as in love with her as I was.

I have to say I did get stressed when things were not going smoothly or as planned, but the major difference was that I did not dwell on my failures (yes, I did take it personally, so call me dysfunctional) AND I found time to enjoy myself.

It gives me great pleasure to see someone I love enjoy themselves. If I am, therefore, able to enhance their positive experience, so much the better. So yes, a lot of the joy I experienced during my Hawaiian holiday was due to the fact that others were having a good time and I was able to help make it happen.

It was not so much people-pleasing to feed my ego or to feel validated, good about myself, but people-pleasing as an act of love.

Of course one can take it to the extreme, where one subsumes one's own likes and preferences in order to please others, and is left feeling empty, discontented and cheated to the point of subconscious hostility and irrational anger.

My remedy to avoid playing the martyr for I so hated it when my grandmother pulled that one on me is to seek to do God's will in all things.

Before I even went on vacation, I offered my desire for a Hawaiian vacation to the Lord and asked for His blessing. So when everything coalesced into a reunion of trans-continental and multi-generational proportions, I knew it was meant to be even though it was not exactly what I envisioned, or wanted.

During the weeks there, I began the day by thanking Him for making it all possible and asking Him to lead all of us even as He laid His protective hand over each of us and kept us safe.

So yes, I was a big time people-pleaser when I was there but my motivation was to repay my Father's own generous efforts in giving me my heart's desires and filling me with joy. Try as I might, I could never quite match up to His efforts.

Laughter mingling with the cool breeze as we chatted lazily by the ocean front. Being awed by the most graceful hula dancer I have ever witnessed. Music so magical it transported one into another world. Luxuriously long mealtimes, punctuated by perfect moments of serendipity. The time together was unbelievably good.

Pope Paul VI said man cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself. In giving myself to the creation of a perfect holiday, I found myself with a sense of rightness and strength that was affirming and pleasing to myself. I was fulfilling my vocation fully, even on vacation.

While I will always be a Martha, fussing around trying to make everyone comfortable and grousing a little when I perceive a less than satisfactory outcome, unlike Martha, I can draw back and enjoy the scene of conviviality before me and take in the moment with a Mary-like stillness.

And that is why people-pleasing is not such a bad thing, especially in moderation, and with the right motivation. Wouldn't you agree with me, A.?