While love is my ethos in life, and I find it easier than joy to attain, I have to be careful to pace myself for my tendency is to do too much, to the point of mental and physical exhaustion.
It's always hard to set boundaries when I see someone in pain but as I am not in such great shape myself, I have been nursing my need for self-preservation lately.
Love of self must come into the equation of loving, for without the ability to love myself, I would not be able to love others in a true self-giving fashion.
Previously, when I lacked the ability to love myself, I found myself lacking in many areas and I was always hungry for the love of others.
In my relationships, there was always a fear that others would also find me as lacking as I found myself. So in order to win their love, I would bend over backwards to be the perfect friend or girlfriend.
I would subsume my self in the process and could never just be me in a relationship, unafraid to be loved, warts and all.
Although old habits die hard and I sometimes feel like that unlovable, dislikeable person inside, I now know that Jesus loves me just the way I am and that is sufficient endorsement for me to rise above my low self-esteem and tell myself I am indeed worthy of love.
Every day I am learning to love myself as He loves me. For seeing myself through the Lord's eyes of love is illuminating.
I can see possibilities I never saw before.
I can hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
I can trust that no matter how awful or bad I am He will always love me and that knowledge arms me with power to be courageous and boldly optimistic.
I find myself more able to love others in ways that are not self-serving or motivated out of fear. Thus, I am free to love unconditionally, with no desire for recompense or recognition.
As I become more adept at being loving and caring in ways that come naturally to me, I ask myself how and what next, for Christ's love is inclusive and unconditional, and if I wish to imitate Him, I must love to the point of uncomfortable vulnerability, and include those whom I may not like or deem undeserving.
This calls for humility in loving. To never think of myself as above anyone. To always let God lead me rather than forcing my will on others and what I think is best for them.
It also calls for a finely tuned sensitivity to know when to go forward, or take a step back. To know when to give in to a situation, or to nudge someone along. To have the wisdom to know what the other needs before he or she even thinks of it.
Perseverance is also needed, to never give up on a person or situation and to let God do His thing in His own time.
And, of course, mercy. For without gentle compassion, an act of love is flat, one-dimensional and devoid of real warmth.
My constant reminder to myself is to never think I am God, for in any given situation, when I have brought about a good outcome, it is not I, but the Lord who has effected the change. And only He can make the impossible happen. We are but His channels of grace.
On the eve of His birthday, the one who is God-is-with-us, I offer my willing heart to love as He loves and hope that it will be a gift worthy of a king.
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