Philia kind

Just two days ago, an old boyfriend flew into town and we met over lunch, followed by dinner before he headed home on a jet plane.

We had a very good time just hanging out and catching up on each other's lives. He was as I remembered, funny, intelligent, engaging, gentlemanly, someone I once contemplated marriage with and a man I still love dearly.

As the conversation flowed, the years disappeared, and we waltzed away an evening of shared histories, wonderful memories and a gentle, mutual affection for each other.

While my heart ached a little as the evening came to an end, for beauty always makes me weep and the evening was hauntingly perfect, I was mainly grateful that I am no longer the woman he once knew - co-dependent, needy and lacking in self-esteem.

Instead, the experience of being loved unconditionally and so generously over the last six years has transformed me into a woman who is confident, sure and comfortable in her own skin, mostly at peace with herself and the world.

Andrew Comisky writes in his book Strength in Weakness that "the freedom to be for another requires security in one's personal identity as male or female".

He offers a Biblical understanding of what it is to be created man and woman which confirmed for me what I had always thought of as my own personal neurosis. Now I know it's just my own 'womanly' tendencies.

In understanding my "more developed relational sensibilities" as woman and the inclination to a "desire" (Genesis 3:16) that Comisky describes as "inordinate desire, an exclusive possessive yearning for the man", I can see why I had previously made 'the man in my life' my entire world and was consequently a slave to my emotional attachment.

It has taken four years of singlehood, time well spent in discovering who, how, what and why I am, and a process that has allowed me to become secure in an identity forged in truth and freedom, bringing balance to who I am as woman.

As I grow into my "true self" I am able to relate to others, especially of the opposite sex, in ways more multi-dimensional and varied than previously. I am able to engage in healthy and affirming friendships with men.
 
Even as I recognize that I will always love PCT for what we had, the eros type of love I had for him has become a philia kind of love and I am now free to love him for who he is, an old and dear friend, nothing more or less. Much kinder to my heart.

After dinner, I came home to the one man who made it all possible - my main man, JC.

And I thank God for that.

Christmas blessing

What are your blessings this Christmas? This question has been uppermost in my mind since I returned from the Philippines last Sunday.

Perhaps it's the physical fatigue (did not get enough sleep abroad) but I've been feeling lackadaisical this entire Christmas week.

Yes, it was great meeting up with friends and having the opportunity to catch up, eat some yummy food but I just couldn't get into the whole spirit of Christmas thing. I am just glad I had already done my all Christmas shopping for I did not have the energy to contend with crowds or the shopping frenzy.

And then Christmas came.

This is season we celebrate the birth of our Saviour King, when Word became flesh. I am not sure if this is a truth I have understood in all its profundity. However, this year, I think I may be closer to the truth and because of that, I have been experiencing a real melange of emotions.

While I am grateful and thankful for where I am today, and for this wonderfully rich relationship I have with Jesus, this same relationship demands more of me than perhaps I am ready for?

To be the hands and feet of our Saviour, to allow Him to be born in me requires me to go with the movements of my heart which can be taxing emotionally.

I returned home from the Philippines energized for having attempted to show the face of love to those who were marginalized and yet at the same time, I have been emotionally zapped out from witnessing the despair and bleakness of those living in squalor.

How can I possibly indulge myself when there are so many who go to bed hungry with no hope of a great tomorrow?

What kind of change can my puny efforts over a couple of days effect? Even if I were to be a true missionary as those I lived in community with for those few days in Philippines, what can I truly do?

It wasn't until today that I realized allowing Christ to be born in me also means giving Him room to perform miracles that I could not humanly imagine or conceive.

That all that is required of me is to keep the faith (by being a good steward and faithful servant), continue to pray for grace and to let Him lead me every step of the way.

And so I rejoice that God has given us His only son because He so loved us and that this newborn babe will save the world in His own inimitable style.

My true blessing this Christmas is to know I should dream the impossible dream for He has already shown me in so many ways how the impossible can come to pass.

Veníte adoremus Dóminum

Birthing Christ

I just spent the last week singing carols (yes, even in Tagalog) and delivering Christmas hampers to the poor living in Montalban, Philippines.

ICPE Philippines*, a Catholic lay missionary organization, organizes a reverse carolling outreach to the people living near the dumpsite in Montalban every year.

In its third year, the reverse carolling intiative sees teams of volunteers fanning the area, visiting the poor families living there to sing Christmas carols, praying with them and giving each family a Christmas hamper filled with goodies that will enable them to have a special meal during Christmas as well as provide them with some basic necessities.

This year, ICPE organized three outreaches on December 16th, 17th and 19th with the latter involving their Balikatan Ministry which comprises members of the community living in the area neighbouring the dumpsite. Some 300 hampers were given out over the three-day period.

While there were many takeaways from the entire experience - the resilience of the people, joy that can exist even in the grimmest of circumstances, the hunger for love that can be satisfied in giving to others, how beauty is a universal language, the importance of good health and what a gift from God children are - the thing that struck me most was the power of a smile.
 
The profound gratitude of the families I visited really moved me for despite the inability to communicate with them, just by smiling at them and trying my best to exude empathy and compassion evoked a response that said, "Welcome and thank you for visiting me. I am so happy you are here, listening to me and acknowledging my existence".

I was humbled and awed in turn by the ability to recognize Christ's presence in the other, who in turn recognized Christ in me.

It was as Mother Teresa said, "Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing".

In the act of a smile given, and a smile received and returned, each moment was a blessing for both the giver and the recipient. Sacred. Priceless.

While the poverty I saw around me made me weep, I was reminded to do what I can and to offer the rest up to God.

He who takes care of every living creature will take care of those I met over the three days of outreach.

I return home grateful for all that I have, and for the opportunity to make this Advent meaningful, allowing Emmanuel to be born again in the world.

* To read more about ICPE Philippines, go to http://www.icpe.org/icpe-philippines.php

Loving parents

A child is a precious gift and parents, both father and mother, cherish and care for the child with a tender, unconditional love on a daily basis.

In an ideal world, that would be how parental love is, however, we live in the real world and in the real world, parents are not perfect people but probably broken or dysfunctional individuals who have been hurt, deprived, manipulated, lied to and abused.

They were once children who either did not experience a life-giving love or perceive that they were loved in a nurturing fashion by parents and significant others.

And so they are now adults who try their best as parents, but often fall short, and in a very human way, foster relationships with their own children that are filled with tension, resentment and laden with baggage of past hurts.

It is therefore no surprise that we are reminded by God in the Decalogue to "Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you."

That it is the first commandment that advises on behaviour to others, apart from God, is significant.

The CCC* states that we should honour our parents as it is to them "whom we owe life and who have handed on to us the knowledge of God". It also states that:

"The fourth commandment is addressed expressly to children in their relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between members of the extended family. It requires honour, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens to their country, and to those who administer or govern it.

"This commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons." (2199)

So what are the rewards of observing the fourth commandment?

The CCC says "spiritual fruits, temporal fruits of peace and prosperity", otherwise it "brings great harm to communities and to individuals".

Now those of us who have had bad childhood experiences and still continue to have rocky relationships with our parents may struggle to keep this commandment.

However, if we have an experience of God's love and believe in Him, then we are obliged to try and find a way to fulfil this commandment for this is one of the first and very basic ways we are able to express our love for God.

So how do we accomplish this nigh impossible feat of honouring and loving our parents when they can drive us up the wall and round the bend with just a few choice words?

We must first come to terms with the past. To invite Jesus to be there with us when we revisit painful and hurtful memories, and to release those bad times to Him and ask for a healing of those memories.

As P. brought up last Friday evening, empathy is a great tool in the healing process.

We may never understand fully why our parents did what they did to us as children, or continue to behave in ways that still can be life-destroying, but we can try to be open to who they are as people, to walk a mile in their shoes and then perhaps get a glimmer of understanding of what it means to be them.

I harboured great anger towards my father for a very long time but realized that it was me that I was hurting ultimately. So I came to a decision to let go of the anger and to live my life in a more positive way.

The first realization I arrived at was that I had to accept my father was who he was and that I could never change him as a person. (In other words, I had to love him unconditionally.)

Instead I needed to change how I looked at him, not through the eyes of a hurt child, but through the eyes of an understanding adult who saw him as another human being who had been hurt and disappointed many times in his life, and who did not judge him.

Even though that made a huge difference to our relationship and we both came to know that we loved each other dearly, the relationship was not one that was ever easy or light. But it was one filled with patience, forgiveness, caring, understanding, compassion and fidelity.

The flip side of a "difficult' relationship is that loving such a person ultimately makes you a better person for you are called to draw on the reserves of grace that love (that is a choice and not an emotion) engenders.

I just finished a fab book by Gary Chapman called Love as a Way of  Life and I found it very insightful.

He enumerates the ways we can express love to make it a "successful" experience: kindness, patience, forgiveness, courtesy, humility, generosity and honesty.

If we are able to give love in the way we would like to receive love, an authentic, selfless, self-giving love, then we will indeed live long in the land that God has given us - one filled with peace and a prosperity that is beyond measure.

In this season of Advent, there is no better time to practise the fourth commandment so try honouring your father and your mother today.

* Catechism of the Catholic Church

Reality Project Desire

I have the December blues. It's an awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach for I have run out of time to accomplish the goals I set out to this calendar year due to my own poor time management and lack of discipline.

Yes it's the time of year to sit back (amidst the crazy Christmas prepping) and reflect on how my life has shaped up over the past 12 months.

And yet, there is much that I have accomplished. I give thanks for I am been largely successful in giving back to those around me (in small and big ways, planned and spontaneous) and I have matured both spiritually and emotionally.

I am especially gratified that I have let go of certain notions that have been embedded in my psyche for so many years and I now have a new way of looking at the world. And armed with John Powell's vision therapy, I hope to battle my distortions into pale images that I can see through to the underlying truth.

In the meantime, new goals have popped up on the horizon, while new ideas are brewing, and new desires have been planted in the depths of my being -all of which I have yet to find time to mull over and discern what I am to do with it.

As with any new idea or desire, I want to see it happen instantly. I want to already see the fruition of its alluring potential. I want to drop everything in order to take flight.

A visit to my SD three days back has helped give me some perspective.

After sharing with him my failings and my desires, he said to me three words: Reality. Project. Desire.

He then proceeded to elaborate, "Deal with the reality (of unfinished goals by completing them), then embark on the project (that I have already pondered over for a long while now and need to execute) and sit with the desire (until it becomes clearer)."

I thought it was a fantastic pragmatic approach to life that bore repeating, hence this entry.

He then offered three more words to allay my fears: Confidence, peace and hope.

If my talents are God-given, then I should be confident that when I use them it will be a furtherance of my vocation, and in the act I will find the peace of doing what I am created to do and the hope of breathing life into God's possibilities.

When I shared with him my sense of what this Advent means to me - being pregnant, to be filled with new life and waiting eagerly for its arrival -  he gave me one final sentence that baby Jesus is saying to each of us during this special season:

"I need you to be born again for the world."

The expression of Christ's birth can only be made real through our thoughts and actions.

So what are you doing this Christmas to make it a worthwhile reality?

Time out

I had a great day today. No work and all play. Time to watch TV, nap and just chill.

It has been a wonderful long weekend - beginning with an impulse but sumptuous Thanksgiving dinner, followed by chances to meet up with friends and family: high tea at the Rose Verandah with G. and A., go on an unplanned starlit walk along the water's edge with K. and P., eat a delicious salad that was first created in my taste memory - one I give thanks for its many flavours.

Sometimes I wish my life were less hectic. I miss just hanging out at the beach, doing nothing but cloud gazing and dream weaving.

Having nothing to do is such a luxury for there is always something I need to complete and something I haven't yet had time to do or forgotten about...

While the merry-go-round of life will never stop, it's important to make time to give thanks - for the busyness, the people I need and who need me, the pockets of quiet and introspection, and for the many reminders to be mindful and aware.

To be still and know.

Breath-less

I cannot breathe.
There is a monkey on my shoulder,
A millstone round my neck,
and an albatross draped on my chest,
Oppressing me.
Much as I try to inhale,
Fill my lungs with oxygen,
A spot lies inactive and inert,
Where the alveoli refuse to inflate.
The heft of memory undealt with,
Unexplored and unexpressed,
Left to fester mutely,
Has taken up permanent residency
In the countries of fascia, bone and organ
Infecting my body with a vengeance.
But I will not despair.
For the One who breathed life into me
Can make of my being a new creation
If I let Him infuse my whole spirit, soul and body,
Making sense of my past, present, even future.
As I remember, acknowledge and feel,
I can then accept, mourn, to finally let go.
So with hope I wait on His touch.

Dialogue

I am sorry that I did not stop to listen
To see the beauty of who you are
Even in disagreement
there is room for transformation
Had I been ready to see
To recognize the truth of your world
that you were inviting me to explore with you
As friends
Treading a serpentine and oft precarious path.
I was too arrogant for words
Thinking I knew the answer to the question
When the answer needed time to unfold
For the question to be heard
and for dialogue
a convivial conversation to ensue.

 

Please pardon my very human impatience
My worldly logic that lacks
the wisdom of compassion
and the humility of suffering
Not knowing when and how to keep quiet
and allow a Spirit-led silence to heal.
If you give me another chance
I will search together with you
Wearing open minds and open hearts
So that we can be surprised
by the gifts God has in store for us
Like love, joy and so much more_
The possibilities are infinite...

*  Inspired by Fr. Timothy Radcliffe's talk on Being Christian in the 21st Century and dedicated to my W2W sisters.

Being Christian

Two Fridays ago I attended a talk by Fr. Timothy Radcliffe on "Being Christian in the 21st Century" and I was happy that I could sit and imbibe the wisdom of Fr. Radcliffe after having been so inspired by his books.

He is, as I imagined, after having read his autobiography, "I Call You Friends", a book I bought as a gift and snuck in a read before gifting it - erudite yet eloquent, gifted, insightful, humble and Brit funny.

Fr. Radcliffe, henceforth TR, had the ability to make theological profundities as simple as breathing.

As Christians, we must be like the Whitebeam tree residing outside the window of his room at Blackfriars: a living entity fully alive, behaving true to its nature and what it was created to be, and yet, open and in dynamic contact with what it is not, such as the sun and the rain.

We cannot succumb to the temptation of either "retreating into Christian ghettos", shutting out the world that is unlike us, or assimilating into society and "disappearing down the secular rabbit hole".

Instead, he encouraged those present to engage the other in friendship, in loving conversation so as to be true to our missionary calling to convert hearts and minds by redefining the modern day perceptions of doctrine and morality.

As doctrine is often greeted with suspicion, we must be sensitive and allow it to "flourish in open conversation", rather than attempting to preach it from the high horse of doctrinaire.

(Incidentally St. Dominic founded the Order of Preachers in a pub after a night-long conversation with the barkeep that led to the man's conversion.)

Doctrine can be a beautiful gift when approached in the right spirit. TR used the example of the trinity and how we can share its mystery with others.

Anyone who is in love or who loves is living the mystery of the trinity, for love can only be discovered with the help of the other.

So be like Christ, who engaged the ostracized in loving conversation and moved them to conversion with his openness.

However, before we attempt to engage in conversation, we would do well to study the doctrines of the Church to avoid any faux pas. With this piece of advice he told a joke that had the audience in stitches and brought home the point.

While society craves moral vision, it is stymied by its idea of freedom that often does not leave room for the Christian ideal of living in accord with the will of God to thereby live a fulfilled life, satisfying one's deepest wants and desires.

"Morality is not what you are not allowed to do or forbidden to do," TR clarified, "neither is it obligation or external constraint." Rather morality should be experienced first as intimate friendship with God, and then with others.

In this way, the commandments are no longer rules that must be adhered to, but rather they serve as a reminder of who we are, creating a mindfulness as we go about our activities of daily living of what it truly means to be human.

TR also reminded the audience that God's friendship is always surprising so we would do well to keep an open mind with God.

The two hours just sped by as he shared his thoughts and answered questions from the audience.

What I found most powerful was the reminder that where there is love, there is God, even if the people around us do not believe in God.

And we should not fret about those we love who do not believe for we should trust that God will seek out everybody, including the 100th lost sheep.

So patience. For every love has its own pilgrimage, its own journey to make.

It is my sorrow and my bliss

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To know where I'm going yet have miles to go.
To be completely lost but certain I'll make it home.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To choose death in order to gain eternal life.
To embrace life fully, knowing that every day I am dying.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To trawl the depths of darkness to find in its heart God's light.
To be light to the world in the brilliance of my blackest pain.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To surrender my entire will and find authentic freedom.
To be bound by my relationships beyond earth unto heaven.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To keep on loving those who are 'undeserving' and 'ungrateful'.
To be loved wholeheartedly despite my obvious unworthiness.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To feel the pain of others until my heart bleeds with them.
To be borne on the back of my crucified Christ.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To celebrate with joy in the midst of abject desolation.
To mourn the bittersweet ephemerality of life's peak moments.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To be ridiculed and persecuted for my unwavering fidelity.
To inspire the faith of one man although I've failed him time after time.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To experience His power made perfect in my weakness.
To be humbled when I am reminded all I have is not mine.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To witness that all things are possible with God.
To live in a world where most don't believe there is a God.

Valley dark

As I've been experiencing some physical and emotional pain lately, I have been reflecting on the subject, and studying the world's response to it in trying to make sense of my own.

Most of us regard pain and suffering as if they were the bete noires of our existence, to be eschewed at all costs.

The recent death of Michael Jackson and the current trial investigating the death of Anna Nicole Smith attest to that for both celebrities' overuse of drugs to manage pain led to their deaths.

Certainly pain avoidance is a natural reaction, in-built by nature for the survival of the species and we must not ever ignore pain.

However, the question is how do we deal with it in a constructive manner?

The modern world's reaction is to find an instant panacea: pop a pill and make the pain go away. Or drink yourself into a stupor. If that doesn't work, throw yourself into any activity that will numb the senses.

We all have our own coping mechanisms which can be less than desirable if we get hooked on an emotional/physiological crutch and refuse to move forward into healing, content to rely on a quick fix permanently or constantly running away, to the detriment of our own health and even those around us.

A friend of mine who is currently in pain from gout has a wise and concerned physician who refuses to precribe medication, wanting him instead to alleviate the symptoms of pain by altering his diet first, making drugs the option of last resort.

How many of us have such wise physicians in our midst, and, do we heed their advice?

If we look at Psalm 23, the psalmist says "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me".

The darkness experienced in the valley is part of our earthly journey in life. However, we are not asked to run through the valley nor run away from it especially since we, as Christians, believe that Christ is with us, protecting us from evil (even if it is my own human response that could lead me to sin).

If Christ, who was afraid in the garden of Gethsemane, was sent an angel to strengthen Him, surely God will send us angels in our times of distress and need?

And if He does, do we recognize them and acknowledge their presence, the healers, physicians, guides, mentors, counsellors and concerned friends He places in our lives?

Do we accept the truth of pain, allowing it to envelope us and purify us as we let God lead us to a creative and life-giving response?

Will we allow the love of the Shepherd to administer to us even when all is lost and seems impossible?

Sometimes, it takes awhile to come to our senses as pain does blind us to the obvious. Or we are just patently stubborn in our refusal to see.

I must admit I have been particularly dense and tardy in dealing with my issues despite knowing what I must do.

I find it is a constant battle, a daily surrender of my own predisposition to rationalize my inaction and slothful inertia.

So today I make the commitment to listen to the pain and ask my Father how I can make sense of it and more importantly, how He wants me to respond to it.

And finally, to ask for the strength of angels to act on it.

You and I

When you lost your voice, I lost mine, too.
I couldn't say to you how much I loved you,
Even though I knew you would be leaving me shortly.
Unable to span those years of broken communication,
Of love twisted into anger and fear,
Brittle and fragile, weighing down my heart.
When you left, my unexpressed words turned inward,
Sucked into a void wintry, dense and abyssal,
A black hole of regret, making me sick, body and soul.
When I entered the darkness today,
You whispered to me that you heard me, 
Every day, in all the ways,
I sought to express how I felt 
As I wiped your face with Veronica's hands,
And washed your feet as our Servant Lord did.
Every act of love became a benediction,
An "I love you" wrapped in secret sorrow.
You listened, you understood and you knew.
While the truth shines a light that reconciles my being
It doesn't change the fact that I still mourn your leaving.

Juvenile aspirations

I have been free falling into despair and desolation over these last few weeks. I even lost my voice without realizing it.

Life's full of peaks and valleys right, so deal with it.

After a cursory attempt at dealing with the fallout, I declared myself sufficiently healed and suppressed my hurts by largely ignoring how I felt, emotionally and physically, to soldier on with life.

It was only this weekend that I realized I was still among the walking wounded with visible injuries to the discerning eye.

Ever impatient, I had deemed my intellectual insights sufficient remedy to the situation, only to realize that I needed to give myself the time and space to enter the darkness and sit with the pain.

To acknowledge the presence of my anger and bitterness, and grieve the event that led to it were necessary yet skipped-over actions of my healing process. Thanks E., for forcing me to sit in stillness and work on it.

That I had stopped journalling and made feeble perfunctory efforts at prayer should've tipped me off. Hubris and denial, however, prevented me from making the connection.

Here is where I thank the Lord who knew exactly what I needed and had arranged for it way in advance - thank goodness that God is out of time and does not operate in a linear fashion.

Thus it was that I saw E. early Saturday morning, who called me on it, and went on to attend a weekend retreat run by the Intercessors of the Lamb* at the Catholic Spirituality Centre called the Power of Intercession.

Here I have to thank J. for inviting me to the retreat ages ago.

The I. of the L. are "dedicated to the contemplative formation of all Christians for the powerful ministry of intercession" and I received much in terms of new insights as well as ample opportunity to practise contemplation.

To be still and listen.

Today I participated in an abbreviated "tres horas" meditation which walked us through the Passion of Jesus Christ and brought me smack into the Third Week of Ignatius's Spiritual Exercises which we have been covering in Landmarks (have I mentioned how awed I am by God's impeccable sense of timing?).

It was a much needed draught of living water: to unite with Christ's suffering and death on the cross. Die to self in redemptive agony in order to resurrect, move on freely and grow.

There's much more I would like to share on the weekend but my main takeaway is to pray constantly. Like a child.

A child who is completely reliant on her father and trusts wholly in his love.

A child who lays her head on her loving father's chest and is stilled into calmness by the sound of his reassuring heartbeat.

Simple, but not so easy for me to accomplish. So, Abba, please show me how? I want to learn.

* To find out more about I. of the L. go to http://www.bellwetheromaha.org/

St. Damien of Molokai

Today Fr. Damien of Molokai was canonized, making him a saint. I so wanted to be in Hawaii to celebrate the occasion (anything to be in 'Ha-va-ii') but it proved to be just a dream.

I think I will have to convince my college buds to plan for our next reunion to be in Molokai, seeing as it's one island I have not visited. Then I can visit where Fr. Damien lived and died.

If you google Fr. Damien, you will find that there was controversy surrounding Fr. Damien for he was probably not everyone's idea of a priest.

"A coarse, dirty man, head-strong and bigoted," is a written description of Fr. Damien in a letter by a Presbyterian pastor.

It would indeed take a man of strong character to decide to live permanently among lepers and bring order and a semblance of society to a place over-run by lawlessness and despair.

"A saint is one who doesn't put themselves at the center, but rather chooses to go against the grain and live according to the Gospel," said Pope Benedict XVI at the canonization mass of Fr. Damien and four other saints.

Fr. Damien began his ministry of embracing and serving lepers of Molokai in 1873 and remained there until his death in 1889 after having contracted leprosy in the preceding four years on the island.

He not only gave the people hope, but forged a community while taking care of the practicalities of life: tending the sick, building houses and digging graves.

He also worked tirelessly to ensure this outcast community was not forgotten by mainstream society.

Pope Benedict XVI remarked of St. Damien: "Not without fear and repugnance, he chose to go to the Island of Molokai to serve the lepers who were there, abandoned by all; thus he exposed himself to the disease they suffered from. He felt at home with them."

"The Servant of the Word thus became a suffering servant, a leper with lepers, during the last four years of his life."

"We recall, faced with this noble figure, that charity makes unity," Benedict XVI continued. "It gives birth to it and makes it desirable. In following St. Paul, St. Damien leads us to choose the good battle, not those that lead to division, but those that gather together.

"He invites us to open our eyes to the lepers that disfigure the humanity of our brothers and today still calls, more than for our generosity, for the charity of our serving presence."*

It is real people like St. Damien who inspire us to live as better people. As Pope John Paul II said during the beatification homily of Fr. Damien in 1995:

"Holiness is not perfection according to human criteria; it is not reserved for a small number of exceptional persons. It is for everyone; it is the Lord who brings us to holiness, when we are willing to collaborate in the salvation of the world for the glory of God, despite our sin and our sometimes rebellious temperament."**

St. Damien, help us be holy as you were, and bring comfort to many.

* http://www.zenit.org/article-27158?l=english

** http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/Saints/saint.aspx?id=1379

Twilight beautiful

I finally caught one of my must-see movies “The Twilight Samurai”, Tasogare Seibei, on the flight back from Melbourne and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Here is a man whose life was marked by misfortune, he was looked down on by many, and yet, he lived life with dignity and integrity, earning the deep love and respect of the women in his life.

Seibei, the protagonist in the film, is a low-ranking samurai married to a woman from a wealthier class who is unused to the humble lifestyle and falls prey to tuberculosis to eventually die, leaving him with two young daughters.

Financially crippled by both the medical and high funeral expenses due to the grand send-off her family insists on, Seibei struggles to support his two daughters and senile mother.

Although poor, he is not unhappy and takes pleasure in watching his young daughters grow up.

Seibei has no time for social networking and is mocked by his fellow samurai for his unkempt appearance and his inability to move up in the world. He is nicknamed Twilight for he is perceived as the classic loser in life.

What most don’t realize is that Seibei does not aspire to get ahead as a samurai and he is content with living peacefully with his family.

His fighting prowess is brought to light when he protects a former childhood playmate Tomoe from her abusive ex-husband and wins the duel with a wooden stick.

As a result, Seibei is asked to “execute” a recalcitrant samurai, an assignment he agrees to most reluctantly, but one with financial gain that finally allows him to hope for marriage with Tomoe whom he has secretly loved since childhood, and who is, likewise, attracted to him.

Seibei marries Tomoe but after only three years of blissful marriage, he dies in battle. Although most mock him as unfortunate and pathetic, his daughter Ito knows better.

She knows her father remained true to himself, parlaying adversity into contentment as a peace-loving individual, a wonderfully nurturing father and a caring husband.

Watching the movie brought home to me that whilst it is never easy marching to the beat of a different drummer as the world sometimes looks on scornfully and laughs, it can be self-fulfilling and rich.

Even when circumstances conspire to bring suffering and loss of control into life, one can remain unbowed, making the best of a bum situation. Even finding joy.

And there is nothing tragic about such a life, brief though it may be, for what matters is what we infuse our time on earth with, making each second, every person we meet, every act of love count so that no matter when we make an exit from life, we will have been like a dazzling fireworks display: beautiful and having brought much pleasure to the many who witnessed it, changing their lives imperceptibly, but irrevocably, for beauty always leaves its mark on the soul.

So don’t wait to live the best life you possibly can, do it today.

Gifted response

I don't know why, but it seems that every time I go on vacation, some calamity, natural or human-induced, happens.

This time it's floods in Philippines, earthquakes in Padang and tsunami in Samoa, a triple whammy no less.

I am always relieved to first find out that people I love, living in those affected locations, are safe, then I start to feel guilty that I am enjoying myself, unaffected by the devastation wrought, as others lay dead, dying or suffering.

Can I make a difference in my comfortably cocooned world so far removed from the chaos I read about in newspapers and see on TV?

I feel useless and ineffectual even if I donate money to help out in those areas. It is never enough, is it?

Even prayer seems meaningless. Do my prayers truly make a difference?

Perhaps I will never be able to tell, but ultimately I do believe prayer works for in itself, it is a response to a situation, a conscious action I take that will open me up to further action.

Prayer leads me to mourning human loss, hoping for those who survived and trying to see how best I can lend a helping hand in order to cast light into the darkness.

Prayer is a call to action.

That no matter where I am, I can make a difference (even a small one) just as different parts of the body must work together to achieve change and progress.

In contemplation, perspective is revealed. I am thus able to appreciate what I have already been given, and reminded that my gifts must be shared in order to be true gifts.

For what use are my talents if they lie dormant and unused? What use are the blessings I receive if I do not, in turn, bless others? They will wither on the vine, waiting to be stripped off and cast into the fire.

It is my hope that upon reading this, you will stop to think how best you can answer the question: "What have you done today to better the world?" and come up with a creative, meaningful and gifted response to recent events, both at large and close to home.

Songs of Oz

It has just been fabulous, spending time with family in Melbourne. I have learnt so much of my heritage just listening to my mum and uncle reminiscing about the past.

Stories of my grandparents and my great-grandmother and being able to see the parallels between my paternal and maternal family histories have given me insights into what made my parents into the people they were, and why I was brought up the way I was.

This visit to Melbourne is in recognition of the fleetingness and fragility of life, its quicksilver changeability, and nothing bears witness to this more than the variable spring weather.

Given the cold and gloomy welcome we received last Sunday, yesterday's warm sunniness was welcomed enthusiastically not just by me but by everyone in the city.

It was easy to give thanks for the beauty of the day, especially when the day that preceded it was grey and cold. Although, I have to say I enjoyed the so-called bad weather for it was a nice change for the unbearable heat of Singapore's weather.

This trip to Melbourne has made me realize how vital it is to celebrate life as it unfolds. To sing songs of both joy and sadness, lifting praise to the Almighty, no matter what comes my way.

That life is filled with births and deaths and I should embrace them all and not get too attached to anything.

It's a little harder when it comes to people, not to get attached, but if I believe in Christ, then I also believe that death is defeated by Christ's salvific love. So even the thought that someone I love is dying should not dismay me too much for I know we will all be reunited in time.

Instead I should focus on the now, the living, living in the moment and to celebrate each day with song.

I sing with gladness of spring,
The lush green hills wrapped in fresh, crisp air.
I admire the sun's golden-soft glow,
That makes warm and beautiful all things:
Blushing camellias and flirtatious tulips
Colour my world with giddy lightness,
People smiling from the sheer pleasure of living,
I cannot help but laugh
At the giggles of delight that fill the air
Of wiggling boys mimicking tipping teapots.
The sweetness of life is hauntingly rich
With bread broken and wine drunk
Familial love drenched in Eucharistic joy.
If only this spring could last forever.

Active faith

One of the biggest threats to spiritual growth is dispersion. It is well and good to attend mass regularly, go for prayer meetings or talks, and make retreats seeking God - it is all good.

However, if we don't integrate the insights and affirmation we receive, if we don't ponder the mysteries of life and our own behaviour, we may just experience an epiphany or theophany and let it go. Wasted.

Then we end up wandering around in negative behavioural circles frustrated, angry with God, for we have been faithful and He has not reciprocated.

Why does He not heed our prayer for change when we have been praying for it years on end. Why are we still so unhappy, depressed and dissatisfied?

If we truly desire change of remarkable proportion in our lives, or not to be so clueless about our "vocation" and "mission", then we must act on it.

We must commit to prayer or what I call real J-time: not just talking at God, but taking time to sit still and be with Him, sharing our sorrows and joys, as with a beloved spouse or old friend. Just so that we can understand more and more what makes Him happy, consequently gaining real clarity into the lies and truths of our lives.

This commitment has to be a daily one. We must make it as fundamental as breathing. If we do inculcate this discipline of prayer, we will begin to be more open to His will in all we do. To find God in all things, and thus experience true freedom even when we make difficult decisions, for we will be operating from our authentic selves.

No longer influenced by fear or selfish desire, we are able to take control of any situation and make it our own (as we make it His), even the most shocking, horrendous and sorrowful ones.

True prayer leads to openness of heart and finally, action, which involves gratitude and creative action (see the previous entry).

Like the 10th leper in Luke's gospel who came back to thank Jesus and praise God after being healed of leprosy, and received further healing, his active faith made him well, not just physically, but spiritually as well.

So if you say you believe in God, prove it by acting on it.

Pray. Open your heart and say yes. Give thanks. Create. Act on it. Make a difference.

Every day.

Creativity first

It may have been an on-the-go busy week but I discovered that inspiration can strike any time, any place and any state of being.

Never mind that it was 6:30 in the morning and I was still bleary-eyed, dog-tired and definitely not firing from all cylinders. Great ideas just kept flowing out of me and I could only gratefully scribble down what turned out to be a remarkably cohesive commentary.

Tonight D. shared that despite having had a stressful week and going through a challenging period, she has been churning out lyrics to glorify God and she also knows that it did not come from her.

(Thanks D., for being so open to Spirit in your life and allowing yourself to be such a wonderful instrument. I really wanted to tell you this after your sharing so I tell it to you now for I know you will read this :D )

Later A. shared that when she visited De La Salle earlier this week she didn't quite understand why creativity was top on the list of attributes La Sallians should have. Until this evening... when she realized we are all called to be as creative as our very ingenious, fecund and original Creator.

A. reckoned that gratitude should've been on the top of the list. I think she's right, but also that gratitude and creativity are close cousins.

When we are creative, it's usually out of necessity - to find a new and better way. As Anthony Bourdain loves to point out, it's the poorest of economies that birth the most delicious cuisine.

Out of necessity, they use inedible or usually discarded parts of an animal and through the alchemy of cooking, create something sublime out of what is otherwise waste.

However, we can be creatively charged out of gratitude, a gratitude that engenders hope, that in turn pushes us to respond and fuels the sheer doggedness that keeps us plugging away creatively in spite of initial failure.

It is a profound sense of gratitude found within the heart that appreciates the gifts within and without - and leads us to using the gifts wisely and innovatively.

Thus creativity is a grateful realization that all in life is gift and an invitation to give thanks by using the abilities and capabilities, inherent and learned, to bear fruit.

So when we begin to feel that life is out of control and that a situation is way beyond us, don't lose hope, trust in the creativity of our God and in His inventive inspirations.

After all if we are in a living and intimate relationship with the Father of creation, surely some of His ingenuity must rub off. And it does.

So be creative. And fulfil your call in life.

Prophetic hope

Linking hands we lazily walked,
Feet sinking slightly in the firm, wet sand,
Leaving behind us a trail of shallow heel-toe prints
Along the simmering water’s edge.
I hug her to my side, feeling her warmth against me,
This woman whom I’ve loved since time began.
The wind slithers like silk across our limbs
As we hunker down on the beach.
Drinking in the sounds of the dawn,
We wait in anticipation,
For the rising sun to splash
An incandescent palette of gold, cerise and smoky blue
Firing up the moody sky,
Causing day to break in joyous splendour.
She exhales in awe, wonder shining in her eyes.
I smile.

Have you any idea what you mean to me?
You are my beloved, my goodness.
Everything about you gives me pleasure supreme.
From your soft, sweet lips to your flashing eyes,
Your wild, untamed hair over which you despair.
I delight in your passion for the Truth
The way you care with all your heart quite fearlessly
Beyond the ghosts of past hurts and wounds.
Your velvet-steel courage moves me
I am inspired by your feminine wisdom
Your maternal, healing sensitivity
While your profound sensuality makes me weep.
You are my desire, every day,
Always.

"Thank you for loving me first,
With such naked originality, so unconditionally.
Because of you, I dare to dream, to hope and to soar,
You are my way, my truth and my life.
I am created anew each time I look in your eyes,
You make me fully alive; because of you
I am.

* A big thanks to my W2W sisters who give me hope, September 11, 2009.

Feminine dignity and vocation

Just a couple of days back, I happened to catch Oprah's "Woman Who Changed the World" show where Gloria Steinem was a featured guest.

She lauded Steinem as a leader of the feminist movement in the US during the 70s, saying women today stood on the shoulders of women like Steinem who had championed vigorously for women's rights through the decades.

In the very next breath she complimented the 74-year-old Steinem on looking youthful and attractive, asking archly if she had anyone special in her life or was dating for she still looked so good.

In that one question she managed to dismiss all the progress women like Steinem made, transforming women into objects valued and desired by the opposite sex based on their physical appearance. Oh Oprah!

I can't say I blame her for one has only to scan women's magazines, popular TV serials or MTV, the bellwether of pop culture, to come to the conclusion that it seems to be highly important that a woman is attractive and desirable.

Never mind about character, personality, intelligence or the intrinsic value of each woman, all that seems to be secondary, for ultimately, a woman's worth is measured and validated by how alluring she looks, much like a beautiful work of art.

What makes it worse in our so-called progressive times is that women now aspire and CHOOSE to be objectified.

Many of us seem to think that the ultimate goal in life is, "to look sexy to attract a man/men and get a husband or life partner, if not, I am a failure as a woman ergo unable to express my sexuality fully as a woman."

That is the biggest lie that any woman can buy into.

There is nothing wrong in taking pride in one's appearance and treating one's body with respect, appropriate as "temples of God", but an inordinate amount of time, money and attention spent on looking good leads one to value superficiality and be satisfied with external beauty while ignoring the cultivation of the beauty of one's soul and inner being.

This can only lead to unhappiness for looks fade over time, and for a woman who only values herself via her looks, the future is bleak (despite the advances in aesthetic medicine).

Here is where I laud Catholic social teaching that "rests on the threefold cornerstones of human dignity, solidarity and subsidiarity" and Pope John Paul II, who in his lifetime really recognized the pivotal role that women play in society.

In his Apostolic Letter, Mulieris Dignitatem, on the Dignity and Vocation of Women, JPII helps women understand what exactly is their true dignity and vocation as woman by enumerating the graces that were bestowed on women from the very beginning of time, and that will enable them "to acquire in the world an influence, an effect and a power hitherto never achieved" in order to "aid humanity in not falling".

Like Mary, all women are called to a special union with "the living God"and to overcome the inclinations of "original sin" that view women as objects of "domination" by drawing on unique, "personal resources of femininity" which can be found in the deep and profound discovery of self-identity, of "who I am" as created by God.

To be able to see myself as the woman I was created to be, through the eyes of Jesus, and be empowered by that radical and affirming love.

To acknowledge the gifts of my womanhood: sensitivity, strength and the courage to be a prophetic witness, "the apostle of the Apostles".

To understand the distinct gifts of motherhood (whether I am single or married) and virginity (by saying yes to the gift of Christ's spousal love) and live them out fully in my everyday life.

To dare to receive Christ's redemptive love 'in order to love in return' and thus become the "perfect woman" who is "an irreplaceable support and source of spiritual strength for other people, who perceive the great energies of her spirit".

All this can be ours, as women, if we, like the Samaritan woman, listen to the entreaty of Jesus, "If you knew the gift of God" and claim it.

By claiming my true dignity and vocation as woman, I claim the "essential equality" of being created in the image and likeness of God and I am better able to recognize the truths of my existence.

That I am a woman, fearfully and wonderfully made, much loved and cherished as an individual, regardless of what others, men and women, think.

That I am a woman who is able to live out the fullest expression of my sexuality every day because I am able to love others as Jesus loves me.

He has truly done great things for me and holy is His name!

Do not cling on

This evening I received the news that the father of my dear friend and sister M. had passed away this afternoon. It has been a long and difficult journey for her and my heart goes out to her during this time of loss.

I had just been reflecting on death this morning as I lay awake in bed: how this year has been shadowed by many deaths - of people I knew or the close relatives of friends - and of people who are dying.

While I am not afraid of dying, for it is as John Donne describes it a "short sleep past" till we "wake eternally", I do wonder how I will deal with the loss of loved ones, like my mother, in the future.

I must admit I do experience fear at the thought of losing my mother for I cannot envision life without her presence to anchor me. But I also know when the time comes, I will let go (not that I have much choice in the matter really) and go on to lead an equally fulfilling and enriching life.

Departed loved ones are never very far away. In a thought they are brought to life as they inhabit our memories.

Although it's been six years since my dad passed on, I am reminded of him every day in funny little ways. Death does not alter our relationship much in that I still know what would please or displease him; make him roar with laughter or wrinkle his nose in disgust.

In fact, I still unconsciously behave in ways that I know he would approve of, so I would say our relationship as father and daughter is still very much a living thing.

This reality of separation and loss takes on new meaning when seen in the light of John's gospel, the passage where Mary of Magdala is weeping at the discovery of the loss of Jesus' body the day after the crucifixion.

She finally recognizes Jesus when he calls out her name, and He proceeds to tell her not to cling on to Him.

When we love (and grow bonds) in our relationships, grief is inevitable when we suffer a loss of relationship through death.

Grief is our way of honouring the depth of love in any particular relationship and it's a process that can transform us into more sensitive, compassionate and wiser individuals.

Given our human predilection to want things to remain the way they are, to cling on to the familiar, it isn't easy to let go of a treasured relationship. However, we are asked to do so.

The advice of Jesus, "do not cling on", invites us to leave behind our old perceptions of a love relationship, to allow a new way of loving to take place, for the "lost" relationship to take on a different and richer dimension.

The passage of grief invites us to claim this new way of loving that transcends time and space. It invites us to let go of unhealthy attachments so as to be able to grow new healthy bonds.

Dad is still my dad even though he is no longer here. I still love and honour him in my thoughts and actions. He is still one of my guiding lights in life. He remains very much alive in my memory.

I am stronger, wiser, more loving and more compassionate as a consequence of his departure.

My wish for M. is for her to experience all the different textures and colours of grief to arrive at the point where she can move forward into a new phase of her relationship with her departed father and luxuriate in the joy and pleasure of it.

Until "death shall be no more".

Alpha awesome

It amuses me how whenever I do something for someone else, I find that the something was meant for me as well ie I gain as much as, if not more, from the something.

In this instance, it's the Alpha course I have been attending. I signed up to encourage my cousin J. to attend and it's been a time of affirmation and revelation for me.

I just completed the weekend retreat and discovered that this is the much-awaited-for event for most participants who know what Alpha is all about (of course I didn't know).

The weekend blew me away for the ministry time was Spirit-powerful and I am humbled by the gifts that have been given to me.

I am also awed at how the Lord continues to lead me along the way I should walk, giving me loads of encouragement as I take uncertain, shaky steps forward.

My takeaway from the weekend is God's blessings are upon me no matter why, what, when, where and who I am.

Even when I hate myself or deem myself most unworthy of being loved, He is right there loving me and holding onto my hand.

And if I open my heart to Him and trust Him, that's when miracles happen and He makes it happen not just for me but for those around me. Through me, His love can radiate to others and transform them.

I think this is what St. Irenaeus meant when he said, "The glory of God is man fully alive," for in trusting God wholeheartedly, I am living fully to my potential (even in my work-in-progress state) and quite unforcedly blessing myself and others and giving Him glory.

May He always be my alpha and omega.

One day

A stream of sparrows twittered by,
In the pearlescent grey dawn.
They flew with unerring sureness, intent on their journey,
Guided by the winds of inner sense.
I envied their verve and grace
Their ability to soar without question or doubt.
While I struggled on the ground to step forward_
Bogged down as I am by my own brokenness and fears.
Surely life cannot be that simple?
To breathe, to live, to take flight!
Inner compass constantly pointing True North
As they make their nests in the crimson-hued temple
Resting in redemption,
(How lovely a dwelling place!)
Having mastered the art of Ignatian contemplation.
Perhaps if I learned to trust
My deepest desires
I could fly
Or lie recumbent, safe within his muscled arms
For one day.

*Inspired by Psalm 84 in the early morning of August 15th

Building houses

When I first arrived in Phnom Penh last Wednesday, it was sunset and I saw something I had never seen before, an iridescent cloud, glowing in a crazy mix of nacreous colours.

It was a surreal experience for people were piling into mini-vans or waiting to get out of the airport while I alone stood stock-still, drinking in the beauty of the fast-morphing and fading colours.

I felt this was an apt metaphor for the recent bloody history of Cambodia. Instead of noticing the horror of genocide committed under our noses, we were people busy going about the business of living, oblivious to much, save our own immediate needs and wants.

And that is why I applaud people like Janne Ritskes*, who came to Cambodia in the 90s and who has committed her life to helping a nation pick up the pieces by rebuilding communities and raising the standard of living by enabling financial independence.

I sat through a grim and gripping recounting of Cambodia's history by Janne in the Tabitha Cambodia shop/office/factory and consequently visited the Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum and the Killing Fields of Choeung Ek.

The magnitude of the number of lives lost (about two-three million in four years) was mind-numbing, and all I could do was pray under my breath as I walked around the same grounds where countless people were tortured and killed.

While I would never knowingly visit places where such wide-spread evil was committed, I can appreciate why the tour to the museum and killing fields was mandatory, for Janne wanted us to see the reality of genocide and perhaps appreciate the wounds that still live on in the faces and souls of the present population.

It was with great resolve that I ventured into the countryside with over 40 other members of my house-building group to build 40 houses in one and a half days and hopefully communicate to the villagers that they were worth the time, effort and money. They mattered in the world.

As I hammered in nails, dripping sweat down aching muscles, Janne's words echoed in my mind, "It's not about you, it's all about them," and I hope that in some small way, I have shown the villagers that just as there is evil in the world, there is good.

* Janne founded the Tabitha Foundation in 1994 to help the poor of Cambodia. To find out more about what they do, go to http://www.tabithasingapore.com/ and see how you can contribute to Tabitha.

Mission ready

Every living thing on earth was created with a mission and purpose.

Likewise I am born with a mission, one which invites me to contribute in ways personal, to leave my own unique stamp on the world.

The last two talks that Pia and Stefan Attard gave over this weekend helped me delineate this gift of mission that was bestowed to me at birth.

At the Saturday talk on woman, Pia spoke about the Hebrew words used to name and describe Eve, the first woman.

According to these definitions, woman is created with an inner space, one that allows her to receive; she is to be man's help meet, to support and complement him; and she is by nature nurturing, life-giving and fruitful, always reaching out to others.

Unfortunately not all of us know exactly why we are created. Most of us, like the woman at the well, have made a few wrong turns in life, sinned a fair bit and have experienced rejection, discrimination and hurt.

We may have lost a sense of who we are, hungering and looking for love but not truly finding it.

It is only when she drinks and is filled with the water Christ offers, that she regains her dignity and true identity as woman, and then goes off to lead others to this amazing truth of 'living water' that satiates.

Leading others to the truth is a fundamental human drive for we all gravitate towards what is good, true and beautiful in life. This was addressed by Pia and Stefan on Sunday afternoon.

In order to fulfil this mission of Christian leadership, there are five things we must recognize:

i) we are called to servant leadership; to serve under the lordship of God in our brokenness, just as Peter in his failure to acknowledge Christ was broken and became the rock upon which the Church was built.

ii) we are called to a ministry of compassion. To be able to suffer/empathize with others, we must take on the attitude of Christ at Gethsemane: to do whatever is possible to overcome suffering but to also accede and ask for grace to carry the cross when we realize it is beyond us.

iii) we have authority under authority. If we are obedient to the authority of God, we can carry the accountability of our given authority with integrity, and consequently earn moral authority.

iv) there is an ongoing transformation involved as we strive to bring out the original beauty of the image and likeness of God in ourselves.

v) we are all wounded healers. If we allow Christ into our broken lives, to wash our dirty feet again and again, then we will be able to reflect His unconditional love to others and bring about healing.

In order to be mission ready, it is vital that we base our faith on:

i) kerygma - we must be familiar with the Word of God, studying it like Jesus did, so that we can live it out and preach or proclaim the good news with authority.

ii) leitourgia - by participating in the liturgy and by being Eucharistic people, we can help others celebrate and give thanks for the gift of their lives.

iii) koinonia - through communion by intimate participation, we can grow the bonds we each have with family, friends and God.

iv) marturia - we must be ready to witness, to help others grow in faith by testifying to God's love in our lives.

v) diakonia - by reaching out in service to help the poor and the oppressed.

It's by no means easy to be missionary, but when we allow ourselves to see through Jesus' eyes and feel with His compassionate heart, then we can preach in His voice by being His hands and feet here on earth.

And do ordinary things extraordinarily.

Living on the edge

When I think of living on the edge, I usually think of it as being in a high risk situation that will set me up for a fall, and it's not exactly a place I want to be for I like being comfortable, and safe.

I was challenged this week to think of it as a a place where God wants me to be. Pia and Stefan Attard were here from Malta to run a six-day retreat called Roots and Wings (August 6th - 11th) that encouraged participants to acknowledge and take responsibility for their history, thereby allowing them to fly on wings of grace.

It was a litle like Pastoral Counselling School which I attended in 2003. So it was familiar, and yet, new insights bubbled up and I am able to see with more clarity what I should be doing and what blocks my path.

Talk about sitting on the hard edge of my reality.

But coming to the edge is not enough, just as knowing what I have to do and not yet doing it is not enough. I must now act, in order to grow and come closer to my vocation and to my true self, the self I was created to be.

It is timely that I stumbled on this paragraph I must've copied from a book I read that really inspired me and I want to share it with you (afraid I did not note who wrote this or where I read this):

"There is no room in Christianity for mediocrity. Sloth is a sin, apathetically doing nothing when something needs to be done.

"Fear is paralyzed procrastination over unholiness and unhealthy mental attitudes, that is used as a weapon to keep us from experiencing and enjoying the love and purpose that God has for each of us."

So while I fear the edge experience, I know that as long as I am focused on doing what the Father wants, His will, I cannot go wrong.
And I will soar__
...if I but step off the edge.

Water into wine

Can two wounded souls, united by the Trinity,

ever find the answer

to how discordant notes can swell

into a symphony

that restores all hearts,

cleaving as one, man and woman,

For nuptial bliss wrought from agony?

The bitter with the sweet is what refines the palate,

brings flavour to experience,

transforming blah into extraordinary.

But fidelity taken lightly exudes a frangible warmth

While unforgiveness and reconciliation

make unlikely bedfellows.

Relationships at risk must undergo metanoia*.

Faith, hope and love will prevail

through darkness and multi-varied deaths.

For Commandments keep us safe,

when Confusion rules the day.

We choose the narrow path

to taste the wine at Cana,

The best - at last! - is only what we deserve.

Believe.

* The Greek term for repentance, metanoia, denotes a change of mind, a reorientation, a fundamental transforma­tion of outlook, of an individual's vision of the world and of her/himself, and a new way of loving others and the Universe. Taken from Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metanoia

Holy priests

This evening I went for the wake service of Fr. Tom O'Neill to pay my last respects. When I heard about his death, I was shocked for I had just attended mass celebrated by Fr. O'Neill barely a month ago and had found him inspiring.

I had received the news of his demise last Friday evening, along with the news that Fr. Renckens had joined him a day later on the 31st.

While I did not really know Fr. Renckens apart from the occasional mass I attended at Blessed Sacrament, Fr. O'Neill was an integral part of my childhood.

The Church of St. Ignatius was my parish through my pre-teen and teen years and the Jesuit fathers there pretty much gave me a very positive picture of priesthood.

Fr. O'Neill, in particular, exemplified what a priest should be: gentle, earnest, sincere, humble, encouraging, with a certain joie de vivre that gave one the impression that everything was alright with the world.

I loved that he celebrated mass with such joy and reverence that raised the liturgy to a beautiful and sacred experience.

While I regret that I did not know him better, I thank him for shaping my views on life, for encouraging me to hope in humanity and trust in God's faithfulness.

Pope Benedict XVI recently declared this year the Year for Priests and it made me realize just how much I take our priests for granted. I always assume that they will be there to lead us and help us worship as a community despite the dwindling number of vocations taken up each year.

Instead of losing faith each time I hear or read about how a priest stumbles, I realize I should pray now for all priests, for their protection against all evil, for their steadfastness and for a renewal of their faith every day.

I am also increasingly grateful for all the holy men and women who have consecrated their lives to serving God in an extra-special way.

Thank you, Fr. O'Neill and Fr. Renckens, for living out your vocation to the end, loving much, living fully.

Requiescat in pace.

Five loaves and two fish

It’s been an extremely interesting week. Amidst the rushing around, the eating and the drinking (my brothers have been visiting, one from Taichung and one from Seattle, and we’ve been gathering with family and friends to celebrate practically every night as the last goes back tonight), the learning lesson for the week coalesced yesterday.

It began when I had met M. last Sunday and we had chatted extensively about our dreams as we went on our bridge walk (we are doing the chapter on deepest desires in Margaret Silf’s Landmarks).

It was great fun and invigorating to share our dreams and build castles in the air for P. had inspired both M. and myself when she shared how she wanted to run a resort that would give back to the local community in a big way.

It was clear from last Friday’s meeting that all of us have an innate desire to help others, something Maslow theorized years ago in his hierarchy of needs.

The question is how and when do we fulfill this “helping others” desire, among all the very many we have?

Most of us tend to focus on what I call “luxury” desires like I want to go muck diving in Lembeh Strait, see mola mola in Bali and hammerheads in Layang Layang…


I want to spend three weeks in Hawaii every year just walking, swimming and decompressing under my favourite hau tree on Waikiki beach.

I want to take my mother to Floriade in Amsterdam in 2012 and all the great gardens in the world; and oh, the latest one, I want to go on The Gibbon Experience in Laos, live in tree-tops and zip-line across the canopy.

The list just goes on and on and these typically consume most of our energy and resources for who doesn’t want to have fun?

Most people, like P. who came to dinner last night, say, “I will help the poor when I retire, when I have time”. Brother, the time is now.

Every day, we are given opportunities to “help the poor”, but do we take them? Who are the poor among us? Even in affluent Singapore, they exist and I am not just talking about those who are hungry for food and drink whom we can help very easily by writing a cheque if we but open our eyes to their plight.

Living in a city bristling with noise and endless distraction can make for great spiritual poverty. My client S. shared a great quote from Gandhi yesterday: “There’s more to life than increasing its speed”.

While I agree with that, it’s nigh impossible to slow down so I try to be sensitive to life’s impulses. Keep an open mind and be prepared to chop and change my plans in order to make time to spend a moment with those who need a listening ear, visit with a sick friend or just spend quality time with loved ones, especially ageing parents who always get pushed to the bottom of the list if they are not sick.

Say yes, rather than no, even if it means taking on too much on your plate and you don’t feel up to the task (ie you don’t think you’re good enough). For if it’s meant to happen, things will happen but you have to give God some material to work with.

Instead of saying, “I don’t have time,” it’s really up to us to be creative with our time and use it well.

I am always inspired when I see my physio Elaine, who is bursting with life and energy and juggles multiple balls and hats. She manages to make a living, help many people get well, push herself to the limit to learn, explore and grow, find time to dream and work towards fulfilling her dreams, while taking time to help the “needy”. She is a woman who has allowed her five loaves and two fish to be multiplied and used to feed many.

So in the smorgasbord of life, how do I choose which desires to pursue in the immediate and in the long term that are edifying for both me and others?

Ultimately it’s about connecting with people. If I listen with my heart and learn to identify what the needs and wants of others are and fulfill them in a manner that promotes mutual respect and dignity then I go beyond writing a cheque, the mere act of bestowing largesse that doesn’t involve much sacrifice.

And in the process, I learn more about myself and receive more, much more than just feeling good about myself.

I get to witness the miracle of exponential multiplication that starts with a simple desire and a humble offering.

Talitha kum

Come little girl, awake with the day,
It’s time to get up! To laugh and play.
Dance for joy and sing with pleasure,
As life unfolds untold treasure.

Come little girl, arise from your slumber!
The sun is rising and glowing amber.
You are the child chosen to lead the way,
For grown-ups are lost and in disarray.

Come little girl, grab hold of my hand,
I need you to be, to make my stand.
Show the world what love is all about,
So all can enjoy; erasing the doubt.

Come little girl, give me a sweet smile,
To brighten my day, make me stay awhile,
You know the real truth: you are my bliss
I need you to speak so many don’t miss.

Inside each of us, a child lies sleeping
She must awaken, to stop our weeping.
Restore the wholeness of our being,
Allow us to feel what we are seeing.

Inspired by Mark 5:41

Finding your inner compass

At last Friday's W2W meeting, we were sharing about the inner compass and whether we were attuned to it. It is clear that for many of us, things are not that transparent all of the time.

For some it has to do with career and whether they are fulfilling their deepest desire of helping others.

For others, it is the difficulty in connecting to the inner self - the journey from head to heart being a challenging one, especially for those who find it hard to trust their own instincts and inner convictions and who need to rely on hard facts.

What makes it tough is trying to sift out the truth about our real selves amidst the very human and, dare I say it, dysfunctional relationships with family and friends. It may be a neverending story but one well worth the effort.

Most of us measure how much we are loved through the eyes and actions of those around us and when the values and vision of said others are distorted, we see ourselves through the filters of many untruths, arriving at the truth of Christ's love only in the head (see June 19th's Random acts) and not truly feeling the love.

While I have grown much better at being led by my inner compass, there was a time I was clueless.

How did I learn? It all began with a deep, desperate longing, a burning thirst for answers that pointed me to God.

It's always easier to look for answers elsewhere and I have tried most of 'em -codependent relationships, material goods, work, status, money, food, alcohol, worldly pleasures... and found passing happiness at a great price of addiction, obsession, disordered desires and zero self-love.

When we rationalize our decisions and either continue to squat in the same rank hole not daring to move (despite knowing we are not happy and have to do something about the situation) or wander off a more attractive-looking path; that's where we find ourselves at a huge roadblock, unable to go forward spiritually or emotionally.

And we keep running around in circles of destructive pattterns of behaviour, unable to help ourselves.

However, with the decision to choose life, and God, came an even more difficult challenge. I had to learn to let go and die to self. Well, Jesus did promise whoever loses her life will find it.

This was the challenge E. threw me when I finally found the humility to say, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned against you," and subsequently experienced His forgiving and healing love.

"It's time to leave the boat!" - and embrace a new way of life.

By allowing the flames of purification to wash over me (I said goodbye to relationship, career, money, position and my old self-destructive ways) as I walked the fiery, narrow path, I found myself, a self I happen to like and approve of very much.

Letting go is extremely hard and it's something I have to do every day.

I play the WWJD (what would Jesus do) and the WWMD (what would Mary do) games. I offer up Ignatius's suscipe prayer. I rely on the Word, the Eucharist and the examen consciousness heavily.

In the course of letting go, I have realised that there can be no half-measures. As Heidi Klum would state with grave finality, either "You're in!" or "You're out!". If you are "in", it means making prayer a way of life. It's the only way to locate an inner compass that is in good working order.

The more I create sacred spaces in my busy day, the more I gain in clarity, and sanity.

Whenever I say, "Sorry Jesus, I love you, but I just don't have time for you today," I miss the opportunity to quench my longings and understand what makes me do the things I do.

At times, I end up walking around, lost in a fog, for I don't receive those divine inspired insights and flashes of brilliance that allow me to decipher life and make better choices.

If you're looking for a manual, there isn't one for it's so absurdly easy: commit to quiet time with JC.

You may need to figure out what quiet time actually means for you - experiment with devotional prayer, daily mass, daily reading of the Gospel, spending time in the adoration room, praying the the Divine Office, journalling, meditation and prayer walks...

In all this, there must be a point in time that you actually sit still consciously, and allow Christ to speak in the thoughts of your heart. Don't look at the clock! I dare you!

In The Virtues of an Authentic Life, Haring speaks of the virtue of patience and holy impatience as necessary in "dealing with ourselves and with our neighbours". Without "patient self-love and healthy self-respect", we can never gain inner peace and "full human maturation" that true patience affords.

Patience has never my strong suit but I have found that cultivating patience helps me keep the faith, find hope in impossible situations and be a more loving person. As Haring puts it, it can be "a great force of healing power" for it enables us to stand still and let God take over.

So in trying to find the inner compass that points us to the reality of true self and the experience of true love, it's about seeking with great longing, humble repentance, letting go and dying to self, giving God carte blanche in all areas of life, getting chummy and on a first name basis with Jesus and being gently patient with our clumsy attempts at loving self and neighbour.

It's also about trusting Jesus and trusting that we actually hear Him, especially if we've made a genuine attempt to know Him it will happen (but nothing replaces quality prayer time for this to occur).

Finally, it's about believing in ourselves (as D. would say, "God did not create junk"), in the gift of love from the Creator (who made each of us as a gift to ourselves and for His own pleasure) and in the grace of faith.

If as Christians we do not or cannot believe the above, then we are merely existing and not living fully. A tragic thing.

Walking on water

When I shared my ambivalence about my birthday this year, my dear coz E. commented it could be that this new year would be a watershed year for me.

Just thinking about it brought on a conflict of trepidation, dread and eagerness. As she had previously predicted my faith formation fast track and proved accurate, I tend to believe her pronouncements.

If I were to be completely honest with myself, I know she is right for I have already begun to sense the rumblings of change, a deeper, metamorphic call from within.

"In saying yes, I have to go, but do I really want to go there?"

Since 2003, I have made the decision to to be guided by one thing in life and that has earned me disbelief, scorn, anger, hostility, betrayal, loss, resentment, contempt and loss, even as I have gained strength, courage, wisdom, self-respect, peace, freedom, resolve, approbation, faith, joy and much love.

The last two months have brought a concatenation of insights and revelations that have given me a faith-grounded sense of self (and "belovedness") that also challenges me to take it to the next level.

I find myself caught up in life, energized yet drained by the buzz of connectedness; in love with life's every moment and what it has to offer, yet in despair over its rainbow sheened soap bubble fragility.

I am caught between consolation and desolation, the tension of doing too little and too much, constantly seeking to redefine the meaning of love - unconditional and infinite - and putting into action my values and beliefs; often pursuing an imperfect course of action, thereby sacrificing a potentially good (even better?) alternative.

In willing the one thing, the price is paradoxically exorbitant and invitingly minimal. And I will never know where I am led until I get there. But increasingly, I am learning to appreciate the journey and put less effort into divining the destination.

As my SD told me today, I should spend more time with Peter: Peter who asked to be able to walk on water and was granted his wish, yet allowed a sea of doubt to weigh him down.

Likewise, when I find myself sinking in my very human fears and doubts, I would do well to catch hold of that outstretched hand of the one who will hold on firmly and never let me drown.