Juvenile aspirations

I have been free falling into despair and desolation over these last few weeks. I even lost my voice without realizing it.

Life's full of peaks and valleys right, so deal with it.

After a cursory attempt at dealing with the fallout, I declared myself sufficiently healed and suppressed my hurts by largely ignoring how I felt, emotionally and physically, to soldier on with life.

It was only this weekend that I realized I was still among the walking wounded with visible injuries to the discerning eye.

Ever impatient, I had deemed my intellectual insights sufficient remedy to the situation, only to realize that I needed to give myself the time and space to enter the darkness and sit with the pain.

To acknowledge the presence of my anger and bitterness, and grieve the event that led to it were necessary yet skipped-over actions of my healing process. Thanks E., for forcing me to sit in stillness and work on it.

That I had stopped journalling and made feeble perfunctory efforts at prayer should've tipped me off. Hubris and denial, however, prevented me from making the connection.

Here is where I thank the Lord who knew exactly what I needed and had arranged for it way in advance - thank goodness that God is out of time and does not operate in a linear fashion.

Thus it was that I saw E. early Saturday morning, who called me on it, and went on to attend a weekend retreat run by the Intercessors of the Lamb* at the Catholic Spirituality Centre called the Power of Intercession.

Here I have to thank J. for inviting me to the retreat ages ago.

The I. of the L. are "dedicated to the contemplative formation of all Christians for the powerful ministry of intercession" and I received much in terms of new insights as well as ample opportunity to practise contemplation.

To be still and listen.

Today I participated in an abbreviated "tres horas" meditation which walked us through the Passion of Jesus Christ and brought me smack into the Third Week of Ignatius's Spiritual Exercises which we have been covering in Landmarks (have I mentioned how awed I am by God's impeccable sense of timing?).

It was a much needed draught of living water: to unite with Christ's suffering and death on the cross. Die to self in redemptive agony in order to resurrect, move on freely and grow.

There's much more I would like to share on the weekend but my main takeaway is to pray constantly. Like a child.

A child who is completely reliant on her father and trusts wholly in his love.

A child who lays her head on her loving father's chest and is stilled into calmness by the sound of his reassuring heartbeat.

Simple, but not so easy for me to accomplish. So, Abba, please show me how? I want to learn.

* To find out more about I. of the L. go to http://www.bellwetheromaha.org/