Do not cling on

This evening I received the news that the father of my dear friend and sister M. had passed away this afternoon. It has been a long and difficult journey for her and my heart goes out to her during this time of loss.

I had just been reflecting on death this morning as I lay awake in bed: how this year has been shadowed by many deaths - of people I knew or the close relatives of friends - and of people who are dying.

While I am not afraid of dying, for it is as John Donne describes it a "short sleep past" till we "wake eternally", I do wonder how I will deal with the loss of loved ones, like my mother, in the future.

I must admit I do experience fear at the thought of losing my mother for I cannot envision life without her presence to anchor me. But I also know when the time comes, I will let go (not that I have much choice in the matter really) and go on to lead an equally fulfilling and enriching life.

Departed loved ones are never very far away. In a thought they are brought to life as they inhabit our memories.

Although it's been six years since my dad passed on, I am reminded of him every day in funny little ways. Death does not alter our relationship much in that I still know what would please or displease him; make him roar with laughter or wrinkle his nose in disgust.

In fact, I still unconsciously behave in ways that I know he would approve of, so I would say our relationship as father and daughter is still very much a living thing.

This reality of separation and loss takes on new meaning when seen in the light of John's gospel, the passage where Mary of Magdala is weeping at the discovery of the loss of Jesus' body the day after the crucifixion.

She finally recognizes Jesus when he calls out her name, and He proceeds to tell her not to cling on to Him.

When we love (and grow bonds) in our relationships, grief is inevitable when we suffer a loss of relationship through death.

Grief is our way of honouring the depth of love in any particular relationship and it's a process that can transform us into more sensitive, compassionate and wiser individuals.

Given our human predilection to want things to remain the way they are, to cling on to the familiar, it isn't easy to let go of a treasured relationship. However, we are asked to do so.

The advice of Jesus, "do not cling on", invites us to leave behind our old perceptions of a love relationship, to allow a new way of loving to take place, for the "lost" relationship to take on a different and richer dimension.

The passage of grief invites us to claim this new way of loving that transcends time and space. It invites us to let go of unhealthy attachments so as to be able to grow new healthy bonds.

Dad is still my dad even though he is no longer here. I still love and honour him in my thoughts and actions. He is still one of my guiding lights in life. He remains very much alive in my memory.

I am stronger, wiser, more loving and more compassionate as a consequence of his departure.

My wish for M. is for her to experience all the different textures and colours of grief to arrive at the point where she can move forward into a new phase of her relationship with her departed father and luxuriate in the joy and pleasure of it.

Until "death shall be no more".