Walking on water

When I shared my ambivalence about my birthday this year, my dear coz E. commented it could be that this new year would be a watershed year for me.

Just thinking about it brought on a conflict of trepidation, dread and eagerness. As she had previously predicted my faith formation fast track and proved accurate, I tend to believe her pronouncements.

If I were to be completely honest with myself, I know she is right for I have already begun to sense the rumblings of change, a deeper, metamorphic call from within.

"In saying yes, I have to go, but do I really want to go there?"

Since 2003, I have made the decision to to be guided by one thing in life and that has earned me disbelief, scorn, anger, hostility, betrayal, loss, resentment, contempt and loss, even as I have gained strength, courage, wisdom, self-respect, peace, freedom, resolve, approbation, faith, joy and much love.

The last two months have brought a concatenation of insights and revelations that have given me a faith-grounded sense of self (and "belovedness") that also challenges me to take it to the next level.

I find myself caught up in life, energized yet drained by the buzz of connectedness; in love with life's every moment and what it has to offer, yet in despair over its rainbow sheened soap bubble fragility.

I am caught between consolation and desolation, the tension of doing too little and too much, constantly seeking to redefine the meaning of love - unconditional and infinite - and putting into action my values and beliefs; often pursuing an imperfect course of action, thereby sacrificing a potentially good (even better?) alternative.

In willing the one thing, the price is paradoxically exorbitant and invitingly minimal. And I will never know where I am led until I get there. But increasingly, I am learning to appreciate the journey and put less effort into divining the destination.

As my SD told me today, I should spend more time with Peter: Peter who asked to be able to walk on water and was granted his wish, yet allowed a sea of doubt to weigh him down.

Likewise, when I find myself sinking in my very human fears and doubts, I would do well to catch hold of that outstretched hand of the one who will hold on firmly and never let me drown.