Yet another birthday with you
Celebrating in heaven
Without us
Who remain behind.
In Singlish speak:
Why like that?
Sharing my faith journey
Is always bittersweet
For you are so inextricably
Vitally a part of my story.
You were the one He sent
To bring me back to Him.
Mired in shame
You pulled me up
Showed me the Way
His true intent for me.
Continue to keep me
In your prayers
Send me a kiss and a hug
As I send you one today.
Love you my dearest coz!
Yesterday marked one year since my mother-in-law went home to the Lord. P and I visited her niche at Saints Peter and Paul, where she now rests alongside her husband, and we prayed for her soul, committing her to Jesus with a prayer of thanksgiving. We also remembered her with a memorial mass. While praying for her, I was vastly encouraged by an image of her sitting in a garden with my father-in-law chatting and laughing together. It was comforting to know that they are reunited and at peace. Yes, I do believe that she is in eternal life now.
I can't say I had the privilege of knowing her, for by the time P and I met, she had advanced dementia. At the same time, I do know her through her children. I can see she was a woman who valued manners, was kind and generous, and who held family close to her heart. In fact, family meant everything to her, and I can see she sacrificed everything for her family in her own way, for each of her children carry these strong values into their lives now.
P is a strong reflection of both his parents, and they live on very much in him; for who he is today, is due, in no small part, to their upbringing, guidance and influence. He is a man who loves much, because, his parents, individually, and collectively, are people who loved much. When my father-in-law passed on, she went into depression and was depressed for many years for she pined for him. By all accounts, he was an indulgent and loving spouse, besides being a caring and affectionate father. Perhaps she was not as adept as he was at parenthood, but she did her best, and that is all anyone can ask for.
Thank you, Mummy, for bringing P up to be such a good and decent human being, a gentle and sweet man, principled yet inclusive, with a big heart for the poor. Continue to pray for us and guide us here on earth, until we meet in heaven.
May 1 - The entire day was spent in Assisi, a beautiful hill town in central Umbria. We visited all the places associated with Saints Francis and Clare and learned how these two saints were so generous with God, giving up everything (both came from wealthy and/or noble backgrounds) to embrace poverty in a very radical way. Both their lives were filled with a deep love for Christ and the poor, and both changed the worlds they lived in incredible ways.
Perhaps this quote by Saint Francis says it best: Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
It was inspiring to walk the places they inhabited and learn how a single person can add so much meaning and colour to life by being passionate and true to the Lord single-mindedly and single-heartedly.
The treat of the day was a visit to the tomb of Blessed Carlo Acutis, whose canonisation mass was postponed due to the death of Pope Francis. I am inspired by this young soon-to-be saint who has been hailed the patron saint of the Internet for this millenial created a website documenting Eucharistic miracles around the world, using technology to spread the gospel. He died at 15 from leukaemia in 2006. His love of video games, like any typical teenager, has made him relatable to young people; and his vibrant faith makes him great role model for young and old alike.
May 2 - Yet another saint who changed her world with a forthright wisdom centred on Christ was Saint Catherine of Siena. Because of her, the Pope, Gregory XI, moved from Avignon to Rome and changed the papacy for the better. Despite being illiterate she is celebrated as a Doctor of the Church for her teachings and letters (taken down by scribes) hold great spiritual merit. The Pope also sent her on many missions as his envoy.
I was happy to visit her again, a decade later, in the Basilica of San Domenico and ask for her intercession. We finished off the day in Siena with mass at the Basilica of San Francesco which is home to a Eucharistic miracle.
A couple of hundred of consecrated communion hosts that were stolen and three days later discovered discarded in an alms box of the Church of Santa Maria in Provenzano. The consecrated hosts have remained intact, no sign of decay, ever since the theft which took place in 1730.
After mass we had the opportunity to worship in adoration which was a wonderful chance to sit quietly at the feet of our Lord and just be. My Lord, and my God, you are truly alive today and forever.
May 3 - We spent the day in Padua and it was a chance for me to pay respects to Saint Anthony and see his incorrupt tongue and voice box. I first came in 2015 for Saint Anthony is very special to me in many ways personally. His is one of the shortest from death to canonisation which took place in less than a year. For his renown as a preacher led to countless conversions and there were many accounts of miracles of healing attributed to him when he was alive. May those who have lost their faith, through his intercession, find their way again.
The bonus at day’s end was a chance to visit the Basilica of Santa Giustina where the tombs of Saint Luke and Saint Matthias reside. One was an evangelist who wrote a gospel honouring Mother Mary in a special way, while the other was one of the first 12 apostles of Christ. It was quite mind-boggling for me for these men either knew Christ or those who knew Him, and they were among His initial followers.
May 4 - It was a day of relaxation in Venice where we visited the tomb of Saint Mark whose body was stolen by the Venetians from Alexandria where he died. Here the evangelist who wrote the first gospel is greatly revered by the Venetians.
It was equally great wandering around the city and discovering relics of other saints in random churches, and offering prayers for family and friends there.
I especially enjoyed sitting under the leaf-covered trellis in the Royal Gardens, breathing in the intoxicating scent of Japanese Cheesewood or Mock Orange (pittosporum tobira). It was a lovely day, sunny yet breezy cool. A perfect day to sit and stop a while with P, my heart.
May 5 - And so we have arrived at the last day of our pilgrimage, and we were blessed with mass in a chapel in the Basilica of Saint Anthony (as we were two days ago). It was a thanksgiving mass for a pilgrimage filled with spiritual abundance: inspiring homilies, time for prayer and worship, good weather, speedy road travel, moving queues and the camaraderie of fellow pilgrims.
I was greatly impressed with the driving skills of Michele, our driver from Rome to Venice, the knowledge of our local tour guides, and I savoured every gelato along the way. Many thanks to Ivan Lui from Faith Tours who kept us, his wandering flock, safe and sound, and to Father Michael Lim who is so evangelical about catechetics and has a deep love for Mother Mary. Both men inspire me with their zeal for God expressed in different ways.
Ivan, in his habitual gentle and gracious way, offered us this pearl before we got to the airport: We all have two lives, the second one begins when we realize we only have one.
As we journey home to Singapore, I am grateful to have had so many real experiences of Jesus and Mother Mary, and I hope I will not lose the zeal to persevere in doing what’s right with a joyful heart, even in difficult times, and to live with integrity as have had all the saints I encountered in these last two weeks.
April 29 - “Ask anything in prayer and it will be answered” is the legend behind praying in the Santuary of Saint Michael the Archangel at Monte San’Angelo, the oldest western shrine dedicated to the Archangel Michael. Bearing in mind the answer could also be no or later, I offered up prayer for family, friends, ministry and community members, people who were sick or recently departed.
Prayer is what Mother Mary always advocates whenever she appears, and especially prayers for the world at large, so it has been much of what we have done, be it travelling on the tour bus or visiting shrines and basilicas filled with relics.
Prayer can change the future, our futures, if we let it infuse our hearts and natures such that we allow ourselves to be grafted more strongly on our Lord, growing in His image and likeness. This has been a strong recurring theme on this pilgrimage surrounded as I am by the myriad examples of saints who prayed unceasingly and changed the worlds they lived in. I, too, can change the world I live in, through constant prayer and being more Christ-like in behaviour.
I felt incredibly blessed that same afternoon to celebrate mass in the place where the communion host and wine transformed into flesh and blood in Lanciano in the 8th century. This Eucharistic miracle confirmed by medical science is a real example of what Catholics believe in: transubstantiation. Every mass or Eucharistic celebration is an opportunity to receive the true body of Christ and be strengthened by His real presence, and as Father Michael Lim puts it: to fully allow ourselves to be loved by the Lord. Every mass is a communion between us and the Risen Lord, something it is easy to forget or take for granted.
April 30 - Loreto is the ‘Lourdes’ of Italy and it is home to the house of Mother Mary, where she grew up and where the Annunciation took place. It is a place of miracles for the house, minus its fourth wall, was purportedly moved from Jerusalem to its final resting place in Loreto by angels.
While sceptics may disagree, the truth that moves me is how she courageously said yes to being the ark of the covenant, to being the mother of the incarnated Christ. If only my yeses can equal her in generosity, gentle submission and robust faith. We were also blessed to be able to celebrate mass in the place where Pope Benedict XVI himself celebrated mass twice. Loreto is indeed a place where pilgrims can find a resting place filled with peace and God’s grace. I felt nourished richly.
April 23 - It took 18 hours to get to Rome. On the 21st, we heard that the Holy Father had passed away early Monday morning. As I prepared for the pilgrimage, I felt out of sorts, not quite myself, although a part of me was eager to be able to pay my respects to someone I held in great esteem and affection. Tears streamed down my face unbidden when I first read the news of his death. Such a mix of emotions: sorrow, gratitude, deep respect and love for a man who heroically ignored his own ailments to be the voice of encouragement on Easter Sunday, his last gift to the world.
April 27 - Forty-four of us are on the way to Rotondo which is a five and a half hour bus ride. The last four days in Rome were filled with grace upon blessing despite the hive of activity - passing through the Holy Door of each of the four major basilicas, praying as we ascended the 28 steps of the Holy Stairs, paying our last respects to the late Pope Francis in St Perer’s and a little bit of sightseeing in the Vatican Museum and the city of Rome. It was surreal to be in Rome to see the large numbers of people who had gathered intentionally and unintentionally to say goodbye to the Holy Father. What was most heartening was to see the huge number of youth who had gathered for the canonisation mass of Blessed Carlo Acutis. May they be blessed even though the mass has been postponed due to the funeral on the 26th.
April 28 - San Giovanni Rotondo is a destination purely to experience the holiness and life of Saint Padre Pio. It was nice to take a breath, to be able to contemplate how God has blessed me and P on this pilgrimage. As we did the Way of the Cross it became clear that my mission, our collective mission, is to grow in holiness within our own families by forgiving, and caring for those people whom God has placed in our lives and bonded us in a special way. The people I need to treat best, giving generously of my time and effort are my family. Am I doing it? Yes, but I can certainly do much better.
Yesterday marked 100 months of marriage and I initially had great plans to celebrate the occasion with a romantic dinner à deux.
However, as events transpired we ended up celebrating the birthdays of my daughter N (I invariably take out the step for I consider her the daughter of my heart) and grandson J. It was fitting for the procreative nature of marriage gives rise to the beautiful multiplication of numbers crossing generations within a single family. I consider myself extremely blessed to be able to participate so fully in family life in my late vocation of wife and mother.
Sarah laughed in disbelief when she heard the stranger’s prophetic message that she would have a child (Genesis, chapter 18). There is still an element of disbelief on my part that I, too, could be “fruitful”, but mostly I laugh with delight at how full my cup is with P and my instant family.
I would like to remember this special day, filled with very ordinary things that made it extraordinary.
I awakened to the sound of my grandson’s voice, after which I quickly went downstairs to make breakfast pancakes for the grandkids. Then I dropped C off for her netball lesson before coming home to sit with J as he did worksheets and we did some coordination exercises before N came to pick him up.
P and I went for a quick breakfast before I drove to church to join the meeting of all liturgical ministries participating in Holy Week as well as the lectors’ meeting that followed after.
When I got home, P and I had to go pick up J’s birthday cake which I had ordered earlier in the week. He wanted a Cookies n Cream (his fave) ice cream cake as he didn’t like cake cake.
We brought the cake home then got ready for pickle ball in the sweltering heat. It was an indoor court but. boy, did we sweat buckets.
After an hour of play we got home, showered , and soon it was time to go pick dinner up. It was raining by then but I prayed A’s good weather prayer and truly the rain lightened considerably when we had to cart the food to the car, and when we got home.
Then it was dinner time which was a lovely evening of good food and family bonding. I had made a tiramisu for N’s birthday cake (her fave), so there was the obligatory celebratory sugar overload.
P and I were both pooped after our long and busy day. But we ended it with our consecration prayer to Mary which we repeat every 12th of the month, invoking the memory of the day we first did our consecration to our Mother on our wedding day.
It is late, and I have to proclaim the Word at Palm Sunday mass in several hours’ time, so I shall end here. Thank you, Lord, for the last 100 months of blessings and I look forward to the next 100 with great anticipation and pleasure.
And just like that, we are almost at the end of 2024. How I felt at Christmas was exactly how I felt this entire year – it was a mixed bag of joy, peace, anger, frustration, fulfilment, challenge, exhaustion, achievement, and fun. There were moments of perfection in imperfect situations, tears amidst the love and laughter. Through it all there was grace, the single tensile thread that strung everything and me together, and that enabled me to rise above my very imperfect inclinations and brokenness to experience beauty, goodness, and truth that spurs me on to become a better person. If God never gives up on me, how can I give up on myself, and others?
Father Mike Schmitz says perseverance is the shameless refusal to
quit, and I need to become even more shameless in the coming year for I am such
a work-in-progress. But have I grown this year? I would like to think I have. I
have learned to let go and not be so OCD; to let things flow as they will, in
the Spirit (this after I knock my head on the wall several times until I wise
up, of course). I have also learned to not take things so personally, to laugh
at myself so I would say I have grown in self-esteem. Perhaps I am just too
tired to care anymore, but whatever works, right?
I have also learned to be a little more appreciative of every gift
I receive, even when it doesn’t come in the way I expect it to come, and this
applies mostly to people’s actions and intentions. Knocking down that
perfectionistic streak in me and not letting it control me is an ongoing
effort. This goes hand in hand with my bid to grow in the virtue of gentleness,
to grow in the ability to say only life-giving words and bite back the harsh
ones on the tip of my tongue.
One of the biggest achievements for me this year is self-care. I
end the year so much stronger physically, and with fewer aches and pains that come
from loss of muscle mass. I was in so much pain when we were in Turkey in April
that I told myself, I can only go upwards - no more downward spiralling. What I find
most amusing is Pilates really works, something I am experiencing as I practise
it more myself, rather than just teaching it. That I got a reformer for free this
year is a sign from Someone I know that I need to put more effort in
maintaining the temple of God that is my body. He doesn’t get more obvious than
that.
My biggest failure is an addiction to games that has been a real
time-waster this year. So I have to pull the plug on this. It is really bad
role modelling for the grandkids, and I need to stop this mindless drain of my
time and energy. So you heard it first. I am stopping today!
I would like to end with an insight I received on Christmas eve
when I was struggling to find the joy of Christmas at midnight mass:
He is the God of second chances, the light in the darkness which
we have been given to light our own way when we have no light ourselves. No
matter how dark our lives may seem to be or how stuck in sin we are, there is
always hope, a new beginning, a new birthing, the potential to grow in
holiness, an opportunity to right our wrongs. So may His birth be your
strength, your light, your joy this Christmas season.
Dearest heart,
Eight years, 96 month or 2922 days
Of loving you, having and holding you
In my heart, words and actions
Often I am mule-headed, perverse or silly
Yet I never stop trying to be better
Better at cherishing, honouring and respecting you
To cleave as one
United in faith, hope and charity
Guided by the Spirit
Thank you for being in my life
Thank you for loving me
Most of all, I thank Our Mother for all her timely interventions
Without her, Jesus or the Holy Spirit
We would be in the weeds
Unable to heal, prosper and be fruitful
Love, instead, is our life buoy
Afloat with new possibilities
Effervescing with new life
I look forward to our future with great eagerness
For our past history promises much:
More laughter, much joy, and incredible tenderness
May the Lord continue to lead us
May He be our source, stronghold and sustenance
May we continue to radiate His love to each other, to those we love, and to the rest of the world.
Happy 8th, a little late, but with lots of love and gratitude! JXXX
Today marks the fourth anniversary, your dies natalis, your birthday into heaven. I am still a little sad although I rejoice that you are with the One whom you love so dearly, and I am immensely grateful you were so much a part of my life and my spiritual journey; as you continue to be
You have been such a gift to me and your spirit continues to spur me on, this ever-enlarging heart of a missionary disciple who loved (and still loves) the poorest of the poor among us.
Miss you beyond words. I was going to buy chocolate cake to eat when I visited you just now, but Macdonald's was on the way so a hot fudge sundae was just as appropriate. I recall we both had one at the Mickey D's in Toa Payoh many years back.
Continue to pray for us, all of us who know you and miss you still. An ocean of hugs and kisses. XXX
Thursday, September
12, 2024 will forever remain etched in my memory as the day Pope Francis most
congenially celebrated mass to mark our 93rd month of marriage. I joked
with P that it was nice of our Holy Father to pop by Singapore to help us
celebrate our monthiversary.
P and I
mark the 12th of every month with prayer and, where possible, with
Mass. This is because we consecrated ourselves to Mother Mary on our wedding
day and we repeat the consecration prayer monthly to renew ourselves in the
Spirit and remember our wedding vows to each other.
I never
really noticed that 12 September is also the Memorial of the Most Holy Name of the
Blessed Virgin Mary until it was noted at the Papal Mass. It was a wow moment
for me for it felt like a double blessing. Mother Mary, the one who brought us
together in marriage, and who keeps us bound together in love is the one whose
name I invoke very often when I pray for the wisdom and clarity to know how to
walk. I also desire her gentleness which I so sorely lack - she is my role
model.
Although I
was not quite looking forward to the crowds, 50,000 people is daunting for me,
I really had a wonderful time. I met up with so many people I knew and haven’t seen
in a while. I got to pray the Rosary and Divine Mercy with so many brothers and
sisters before the Eucharistic celebration. My community came from all
different parts of the stadium to attempt a group photo and that for me represented
the nature of my faith – universal, for everyone; diverse yet united as echoed
by the theme of the event Together in Unity and Hope.
I am
grateful that I got to see Pope Francis in person, and to be inspired by his
simple joy and strong faith. He is indeed the successor of Peter, the rock on
which Christ has built His church from the time of Peter until present time. How
arduous this entire 12-day trip must have been for him, a trip that took him to
Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, Timor Leste and, finally, Singapore. He was always on the go, going from event to
event, crowd to crowd, under the constant cynosure of the press, with very
little opportunity to just chill and be himself.
His message to young people of being courageous, to take risks, and to get out of our comfort zones in order to connect with others of different faiths was on point. The world needs more building up and connecting, than tearing down and dividing. Let me apply these principles not just to those I meet on an everyday basis, but first and foremost within my own home, and especially within my own marriage. Grazie mille, Papa Francesco.
ICPE Mission Singapore, my community, just ran a six-day Pastoral Care Course, PCC, last week. It brought back memories of my own three-week Pastoral Counselling School in 2003, which set me on the right path, or should I say in right relationship with Jesus, and I have never looked back.
As I prepared for this retreat, I spent much time in prayer for the participants that some of them, and eventually all of them, would experience the goodness, and mercy of God such that it would transform their lives, bringing a richness that wasn’t there before. The inner peace and self-satisfaction I have gained from striving to be at one with Jesus through the years come from a place of healing that began in 2003 and continues to this day. I am always super psyched to see others experience the same, and become more effective at living, witnessing and evangelizing.
My wish is that they will each find delight in their own identity as a child of God and never lose sight of what’s most important in life: eternal salvation, something truly worth fighting for. May no one get tired of doing what is good, for each one will reap the harvest if he or she does not give up, to paraphrase Saint Paul in his letter to the Galatians in chapter 6, verse 9.
Some of the concepts and tools presented at the PCC are not new, nor are they rocket science, but they serve to remind us, encourage us and spur us on to greater heights. And we must never forget we are missionary disciples, on a journey to bring Christ to others, as we ourselves have been brought to Him by others. This legacy of paying it forward and of making the world a better place is inscribed in our hearts in the gift of baptism that, for most of us, was a gift we were too young to appreciate fully. This is the main thrust of the PCC, that we are each of us wounded healers.
Of course there is suffering and loss in life, and for some of us, more rather than less, but we do have a secret weapon, Jesus. When we cover our wounds with and in His wounds, we will find resurrection and hope in our own lives. We need to do our part by not losing faith or hope, and persevering in our choices to stand with Jesus no matter how hard it gets. There can still be joy in desolation.
By His grace, I have managed to choose life - His way, His truth and His life - in these intervening years and I have been rewarded with the flowering of my vocation in unimaginable ways. I would urge those who are lost or down to keep walking in faith, dying to self, surrendering one’s life to Jesus, and simply give the Almighty the time and space to perform His miracles. He has never yet disappointed me; in fact, He never fails to astound me.
My SD put it best, discipleship is about being in close relationship with Jesus. An outflow or fruit of that relationship will be service or mission and this horizontal aspect is not so much what we do in any given day, but how we have managed to touch the hearts of those we meet. Heart to heart - from Jesus’ heart to mine, and from mine to the other.
I continue to hold each PCC participant in prayer - may they continue to walk in faith and never grow weary. May they allow healing to flow into their lives and become light bearers and way makers wherever they walk.
On the journey
Face to face
Hand in hand
Heart on heart
Dying to self
Rising in Him
Embracing new life
Healed to heal
Consoled to console
Transformed to transform
Tears to joy
Darkness to light
Connected in love
Centred on Him
Image and likeness
Road remains rocky
Persecution is real
What is left
Suffering and death
He is here
Always with us
Surrender to Him
Again and again
Face to face
Hand in hand
Heart on heart
I visited the adoration room today, the one where I saw the promise of marriage with P the second time. I haven't been here for a number of years thanks to COVID and its lengthy closure, so I was flooded with memories of how P used to drop me here in our courtship and early marriage days after morning mass and breakfast together to spend time Jesus. I still see an embracing couple and Jesus right in the centre, behind the couple, to my delight.
I have let go of contemplative prayer in recent years, so it was refreshing to sit in silence and just be. My morning had begun with making pancakes for the grandkids before dropping them off to school, then teaching a client before a break presented itself. There are a couple more classes with a grandkid pick-up in between and finally an evening in RCIA. Pretty much a full-on day.
As I sat, I felt the need to write and share that when we make time for Jesus, good things happen. I felt elated and inspired to write. Hope my writing inspires you, too.
The gift
Have I used my gifts today?
My talents, my God-given charisms
Have I glorified Him at all?
This is the only question
I must answer in order
That when I meet my Maker
He will say to me
Good and faithful servant,
Well done. Come, share in my joy.
Pancake dreams
So I say to Him as I whisked:
Please let my pancakes be good
That my grandchildren will enjoy
The love folded within the batter
That in every bite they taste
My dreams that they come to
know you as I do, and
Experience the joy of Your love
And be filled with the sanctity
Of who they are, children of God
Good in every way. Most beloved.
Last week was a little stressful for P and I were discussing retirement. I am incredibly bad with anything to do with financial planning so I just don’t do it as far as I possibly can, until he nudges me. Last Monday, he nudged, and I immediately developed a bad tension headache, followed by a couple of sleepless nights. Since then, we have had several heart to heart conversations and I now understand him a little better, as he does me. I understand his need to be forward thinking financially, and I truly appreciate his decisions that will ensure both of us will be comfortable in retirement.
As it turns out, I did do some sort of financial planning in my younger days so I am doing better than he or I initially thought. But I love him all the more for it, for all he has done to date, for the nudge, and for our eventual retirement. Having a spouse who loves me and takes such good care of me is huge. I feel blessed, as I did the day we got married.
Again, I am amazed at how the Father has provided for me through P. I have been relying on the providence of the God since 2003 and I am well aware He sent P into my life to enrich my life in so many ways. While financial security is nice, and I am not downplaying the importance of it, it is, for me, merely the icing on the marriage cake. The cake itself is a partner in life who loves and respects me as I do him, and who seeks my joy as much as I do his.
Our marriage was ordained by God and by saying yes all those years ago, both P and I are co-creators with the Almighty Himself in our lives as individuals, and as a couple. Yes we have different jobs and responsibilities through the day, but in the evening we come together as a couple to worship the One who loved us first. We honour Him in prayer and we are nourished by His Word as we make space for Him in our marriage.
I am reminded of what I saw in the adoration room just before I met P for our fateful first date. As I sat with Jesus, I saw, cast on the wall, a shadow of the monstrance and it looked like a couple locked in an embrace, and right in the middle of that embrace was Jesus. I remember thinking then, hmmm, what does this mean, a relationship with this person with whom I am going on a blind date? Surely not, I am just being silly...
This image has been a mainstay through my marriage, for a number of weeks later, I saw the same thing in a separate adoration room. It was a pointed reminder that even in marriage, Christ must be in the centre of our lives, just as He was for me when I was single. It must always be Jesus first, followed by those He has put in my life. Centred as such as I am on Him, I have no doubt He will take care of me, and P, the rest of our days. I trust in His loving providence. Jesus, I trust in you.
