Mixed bag

And just like that, we are almost at the end of 2024. How I felt at Christmas was exactly how I felt this entire year – it was a mixed bag of joy, peace, anger, frustration, fulfilment, challenge, exhaustion, achievement, and fun. There were moments of perfection in imperfect situations, tears amidst the love and laughter. Through it all there was grace, the single tensile thread that strung everything and me together, and that enabled me to rise above my very imperfect inclinations and brokenness to experience beauty, goodness, and truth that spurs me on to become a better person. If God never gives up on me, how can I give up on myself, and others?

Father Mike Schmitz says perseverance is the shameless refusal to quit, and I need to become even more shameless in the coming year for I am such a work-in-progress. But have I grown this year? I would like to think I have. I have learned to let go and not be so OCD; to let things flow as they will, in the Spirit (this after I knock my head on the wall several times until I wise up, of course). I have also learned to not take things so personally, to laugh at myself so I would say I have grown in self-esteem. Perhaps I am just too tired to care anymore, but whatever works, right?

I have also learned to be a little more appreciative of every gift I receive, even when it doesn’t come in the way I expect it to come, and this applies mostly to people’s actions and intentions. Knocking down that perfectionistic streak in me and not letting it control me is an ongoing effort. This goes hand in hand with my bid to grow in the virtue of gentleness, to grow in the ability to say only life-giving words and bite back the harsh ones on the tip of my tongue.

One of the biggest achievements for me this year is self-care. I end the year so much stronger physically, and with fewer aches and pains that come from loss of muscle mass. I was in so much pain when we were in Turkey in April that I told myself, I can only go upwards  - no more downward spiralling. What I find most amusing is Pilates really works, something I am experiencing as I practise it more myself, rather than just teaching it. That I got a reformer for free this year is a sign from Someone I know that I need to put more effort in maintaining the temple of God that is my body. He doesn’t get more obvious than that.   

My biggest failure is an addiction to games that has been a real time-waster this year. So I have to pull the plug on this. It is really bad role modelling for the grandkids, and I need to stop this mindless drain of my time and energy. So you heard it first. I am stopping today!

I would like to end with an insight I received on Christmas eve when I was struggling to find the joy of Christmas at midnight mass:

He is the God of second chances, the light in the darkness which we have been given to light our own way when we have no light ourselves. No matter how dark our lives may seem to be or how stuck in sin we are, there is always hope, a new beginning, a new birthing, the potential to grow in holiness, an opportunity to right our wrongs. So may His birth be your strength, your light, your joy this Christmas season.