Vacation highlights

I returned from vacation and just finished wading through all the shared digital photographs we took - editing and organizing the lot, quite a project. I created an album called highlights to be able to share with interested friends and family members when I meet with them. As always, the true highlights are not the spectacular landscapes or amazing food, the rich exposure to people, places, and culture - my real highlights have an inextricably linked spiritual dimension.

First of all, I am amazed at how much the Lord loves us and laid His protective hand over us. It doesn’t mean I didn’t get food poisoning, a URTI (upper respiratory tract infection), or COVID, but despite all these ailments, I was fortunate enough to extract maximum joy and pleasure from this trip. I played, I ate, I laughed, and I spent time visiting with relatives, which is so precious, the older we all get.

P and I were blessed to be able to enjoy our small plane and helicopter rides to visit two glaciers, for we were told cancellation rates were 80 per cent due to inclement weather. Banal as it sounds, I prayed for good weather, and Jesus granted it. We were not disappointed, for the land sang out its beauteous nature wherever we went, echoing resoundingly the glory of God’s handiwork. Everything, and I mean everything, even the wildflowers were beautiful.

Again, knowing the desires of our heart, we were always within walking distance of a church to attend mass. The most amazing one was in Whittier, when the Holy Family Cathedral was diagonally across from our hotel so we could squeeze in morning mass before we caught our motorcoach to the port. Best of all, we visited two cathedrals that Saint Pope John Paul II visited. This has become part of our holiday tradition for almost every country we visit, we have been able to follow his ‘trail’. I am an ardent JP2 admirer, if you didn’t know that.

The two months preceding this vacation have been brutal, so it was a blessing to be able to take time off to recharge. Travel can be fraught with setbacks and frustrations but ours went like a dream, no missed connections, no lost luggage, or being scammed by tourist traps. We were always safe, even when we walked in dodgy neighbourhoods seeking out comfort food. And I slept well, a much-needed sleep that has been denied for so long.

My biggest highlight from this vacation is how much my husband loves me and how much he cherishes me for he really set out to make my birthday this year extra-special. I felt very much renewed in our marriage, and very much affirmed as a woman and his wife. This is not due merely to the fact he treats me with an over-abundant love, but because he is truly a man who sees Jesus in everyone he meets, and treats people unfailingly with kindness, gentle respect, and generosity. His heart is set on the Lord and he never fails to honour the Father in everything that he does, even on vacation. As the Na’vi people greet each other in the Avatar movies, “I see you”, I could see P and all that he is, so clearly, and I really love what I see.

Finally, my biggest insight is this: my personal cross, which encompasses my vocation and my state of life, will not only win me the crown of eternal life after I die (I can only pray for His mercy in this endeavour), but, it is one I carry most willingly, for it not only speaks of sacrifice, hardship, and great demands; of hurt, loss, and pain; and of sometimes going where I do not desire to go; but it also speaks of impossibly beautiful moments and soul-gratifying, fulfilling experiences; of overflowing peace, joy and deep, bountiful love; and of many opportunities that can potentially lead to the making of me. I can only weep and give thanks in awe of my cross, and I thank God for vacations, and this particular one to Alaska.   

Love me differently

J asked me on our drive to school, “Grandma, is it you scold me because you don’t love me?” ‘If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t scold you but I promise I will be more gentle in future” was my response after I had explained at length why I “scolded” him for his own good (he had refused to take his meds for a runny nose), and I also explained how love can be demonstrated in many ways, and he just needed to be able to pick them out. 

I finished our conversation by hugging him and telling him I loved him bigger than the ocean or the sky. His check-in photo tells me he got it. His question really caught me off guard and gave me insight as to how I needed to proceed in the future, with more words of affirmation and gentleness.. 

Love is tricky, how we show love to others, and in how we receive and feel loved in return. This is made worse when we grow up, for as adults, we tend to hide our ever demanding and finicky needs, while children are more forthright and have much simpler needs. 

 

On my drive home after that drop off, it hit me that my husband had just given me a huge ILY the evening before. He had skipped an evening lecture to take me out to dinner instead. While I had enjoyed our evening together, I did not fully recognize his sensitive support until the morning after. I am going through quite a challenging time now, and this was his TLC towards me. This wow moment made me realize how easily I could have missed this precious insight, and that this is how he loves me, quietly, yet so powerfully.

I am humbled and now filled with new resolve to recognize and acknowledge all the different ways love comes to me, through others, instead of rebuffing what I deem as insufficient, imperfect or unwanted. To simply say: thank you with sincere gratitude, thank you for thinking of me, thank you for making the effort to show love to me, thank you for being the you who loves me.

Last, but not least, thank you, Lord, for loving me through those around me. May I respond as happily as J did to me.

Living the Easter story in chaos

If I were to share how my Holy Week and Easter octave has gone, it would sound like a litany of things that went wrong just because they could. 

I already acknowledged how Lent was for me a season of being open to the Spirit and getting involved in life, not so much a time of inner reflection and me time with Jesus, but more a time of meeting Jesus in all those around me, who asked me, as He did the woman at the well: Give me a drink of water.

Back to Holy Week, and more so this past week, it seems as though God has answered my constant prayer for humility, trust, faith and obedience in spades. So many situations happening all at once that required me to exercise wisdom and compassion by processing negative emotions at a snap before acting (not something a high feeler like myself excels at). So many cries for help that assault my ability to practise healthy boundaries and strike the balance between giving and receiving.

I have already been feeling overwhelmed lately, but none more so than yesterday when my mother suffered a hip fracture requiring surgery. Too much back story here that I will not delve into, which is not what this post is about anyway. 

In all the messiness and chaos of life, how do I experience the Resurrected Lord in new ways, ways that would mean my faith has grown, and I am a better Christian despite it all?  How can I honour Him with obedience by allowing Him to take control of all the situations that I cannot? I would have to say that while I cannot purport to have many experiences of great joy this Easter, I do hold His peace in my heart all the time. I know He has been there all along, walking with me, as He did the disciples at Emmaus. And I recognize all the miracles He has effected thus far, and am most grateful for them all. I can give wholehearted thanks to the One who loves me so tenderly, which is very important to me.

I can also see I have been able to let go more easily, not to cling to my ideas of love, as Mary Magdalene did when she first encountered Jesus at the tomb, post-Crucifixion. Let go and go with the flow, for Jesus is in control. This has helped me to be more patient, more forgiving, and most of all, to be able to empathize and be kind and gentle with those whom I love. I have also been able to live in the moment and cherish those sacred moments as and when they present themselves. I see a lot of grace in this gift I have been given by Jesus.

I come back to reflection I did for a day of prayer and fasting I did for Lent, for the forgiveness of others, which I would like to share here. First, two passages of Scripture spoke to me:

1. Luke 7:47 - I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.”
2. Matthew 11:28-30 - “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

“Unforgiveness” is a kind of hardness of heart, a burden, that all of us carry in some form or another. Two things came to me as I was praying: 

One, in order for us to forgive others, we need to experience the forgiveness of God in a very real way, like the woman in Luke’s gospel (see above) who was able to first recognize the depth of her sins, and was courageous enough to approach the Lord; and humble enough to place her sins at the Lord’s feet with real sorrowful repentance in her heart. Thus, she was able to show great love, unlike the unforgiving servant in Matthew chapter 18.

Two, we need to let go of the heavy burdens of “unforgiveness” that weigh our hearts, and instead carry the Lord’s yoke, which is to be able to see things from His perspective and to be able to say: Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Only when we can see with the eyes of mercy, God’s mercy, can we find rest for our souls and be able to forgive not just others, but ourselves as well. 

As missionary disciples, forgiveness of others is so fundamental to how we actively live out our faith, so we need to renew our own efforts in exercising this in all our relationships, foremost within our families, marriages, and communities, and the wider social networks of our lives.

This reflection is one I hope I live out in concrete terms as I rise to face the new day of the Easter story in my life.

A love song

So I borrowed riffs from various songs (with a few choice phrases from the Bible) to write this love song to my lover, my best bud, my consolation in times of sorrow, my husband. See if you can pick them out.

It's been seven years and five days now*

Since we first met that sunny afternoon 

I can see your face then and feel your sincerity

Your desire to share your life, impress me.

I did a silly woman thing and thought to myself

Can he actually be THE one, it's true.

So glad time has proven that to me

What a gem you are, a priceless pearl!

I wake up grateful that we are married

That you are the one I get to samba through life with, so nice**

Every day I love you just a little bit more ***

It's a lifestyle, a feeling, my best decision in life

Thank you, Lord, for saving the best for last

Allowing me to cherish the love, every moment, our life together. ****

* Nothing compares to you

** Summer samba/So nice  

*** 每天爱你多一些

**** Cherish

The day you left

Thinking of you 

Remembering the laughter

and the day you left

Much too sudden

A shock I don't think

I will ever get over 

Love you, miss you

Want you here

Today and every day

Making the season count

Last month, I attended the wake of R who passed away on the 15^th, after a three-month fight with lung cancer at age 72. He was the owner of Wah Yuen Porridge at the hawker centre near my mother’s place and I used to eat there regularly and frequently for I loved his congee, and in the earlier days, the raw fish slices that were soooo slippery cool delicious. He and his wife, S, are one of the sweetest couples I know, such good people who were unfailingly polite and friendly.

Although I didn’t know him very well, and in latter years have not been going there for they only worked weekends, I truly felt sad when I heard the news. He will be sorely missed for his goodness really shone through - every encounter with him was a pleasant one. And, his congee was, oh, so soul-satisfyingly good.

His wife, S, shared that he regretted not retiring earlier for he worked right up to the time he went into hospital. They had planned a family vacation this June that he was looking forward to with great anticipation, but, as S shared, while his new passport will not be used, his recent baptism will be his passport to heaven.

R, and his wife, S, are truly what I would call salt of the earth, people who brought flavour to the world, not just for what they served in their food stall, but by who they were/are, hard-working, genuine, honest and downright nice. If only I would be missed half as much at my own death, as he now is, I would be more than satisfied. Even though he was only baptized recently, I would say he was a man who espoused Christian values his entire life, and the gift of baptism was the cherry on top of the cake of his life – for it brought him so much peace and comfort in his last days. According to S, he carried a cross with him wherever he was in the hospital.

His passing is a reminder to me to be a little more uplifting and encouraging to people around me for I think I fail quite often when I allow stress and my lack-of-sleep grouchiness make me impatient and terse with others. One can only use such excuses for bad behaviour no more than a couple of times, before it becomes an unwelcome permanent feature, a character flaw. As I am perpetually tired, I have to be more aware of how my sub-par physical state can lead me to sin.

It is much like the gospel passage, a couple of weeks back, on the temptation of Christ in the desert after his 40-day fast. Despite his hunger, Jesus could see where the devil was going with each temptation and was able to draw on His own stores of wisdom and inner strength to reject each offer that may have seemed appealing. While I may not be as adept as Jesus to dismiss temptations out of hand so quickly, if I stay as close as He did to the Father, then I hope that I will always be led by the Spirit, and thus be able to moderate my own inclinations and tendencies to sin: to be tempted less and less, and to have the moral strength to say no when I am tempted. 

I quite like what this saying that has been floating around the Internet recently suggests:

Patience with family is love.

Patience with others is respect.

Patience with self is confidence, and

patience with God is faith. 

Loving others who may trigger me means I guard my tongue and forgive them any number of imagined and imaginable slights, knowing that they acted innocently, if not judiciously. I keep a diplomatic cool at all times and give the other the space and affirmation to be and become. Whether or not I am wrong, I can humble myself and be the first to proffer an olive branch or pour oil on troubled waters. I do not let my mood or feelings dictate my words and actions – no one should be my dumping ground.

Loving myself means not being so hard on myself (I am a good person, albeit grouchy and disorganized at times), but at the same time, neither do I let myself grow slack in my habits. I maintain a spiritual discipline, connecting with the Lord frequently through the day, and through prayer, a plan of life, that nourishes my spirit continually, and centres me emotionally, no matter what happens.

I also look after my physical self, setting aside time for self-care; I exercise, eat and sleep properly. If I make the effort to maintain health in every way, and exercise patience through the ever-changing, oft-time tedious processes, I win. I have energy to do what I set out to do on a daily basis. I have a better handle on my life. I feel good about myself. I have confidence in my own judgements and my ability to make wise decisions in life. I crash and burn less frequently.  

Most of all, my faith in God is a living thing, that I have to nurture every single day with gratitude, worship and virtue. I cannot take Him for granted. If I sow good seeds and look after them well, then I will reap good fruit, if not now, then in heaven. The continuum of eternal life spurs me on to make every second on this earth count and create more good ones than bad ones.  

Lent is a great time to take stock of where I am in my faith life, and to re-calibrate my bearings and restart good habits, discarding bad ones. I am grateful for this season, the mindfulness it brings to my days. I continue to pray for R and his family in their time of loss, and I would like to draw on his example and be slightly more hospitable than I am inclined to be to those around me. I will live in the joy of the Lenten season, fasting from impatience, negativity, gossip, perfectionism and vanity. 

Lent as He wills

I began my Lenten season, quite well, I thought, managing to pen daily reflections even while I was on vacation. Quite pleased with myself, really. Then, I came home, and that put paid to my plan. Humbling. Yet, I have learnt not to struggle so much when things don’t go my way, mainly because I am too shattered to muster up the necessary energy to be upset. I am just grateful that my prayer life didn’t sustain too much damage. In fact, given all that has been happening, I probably prayed even more, which is a very good thing. 

My plate of things to do seems overflowing, and I wondered if it was because I suffered from an inability to say no. At the same time, everything I did seemed quite important, so maybe I am okay, except the price is a frazzled, exhausted me. Then I remembered my previous Lent was similar. Just so many people to meet, places to go, no time to stop and breathe. A fast from just doing nothing, and vegging out in front of the telly, big time. 

So Lent is, for me, a time to be with others, to connect, to share life, and to listen; to allow others the space to be themselves, and to, perhaps, gently nudge them forward to embrace the Good News. My desire is that, at the end of each meeting, the person I am with, experiences the love of Jesus, and therefore experiences a transformative joy, and hope. I want to leave them feeling good about themselves. 

I have always had a passion to see women, and children, empowered and free from the shackles of their own fears. Like the Samaritan woman in today’s gospel, I was given a second chance to live my life with renewed meaning: to walk in God’s Spirit and truth, and it has been a wonderful redemptive journey, thus far. At the same time, I also know, I am called to bring others, as she did, to meet Jesus, just as I met Him at the well all those years ago. 

Being open to letting His Spirit lead me means going places and meeting people. I am very clear of my vocation in life, and I try not to lose sight of the many facets of it. Yes, it can be draining, and it will always be challenging, but if I allow the spring of living water to well up within me, then I will always be buoyed by grace, never thirsty for long, and aware of how much my Saviour, my Bridegroom, feeds me life-giving water. 

Encounter

As we meditated on today’s gospel from John 4:5-42 at my last Bible sharing meeting Tuesday evening past. I felt inspired to write about how this passage, filled with so much richness, speaks to me.

You talking to me? Why?

I am a sinner, many times over.

I come to the well at noon precisely 

so I don’t meet anyone and I can avoid 

their sneers and snide remarks

I’m just too sad, and tired

unable to defend myself

why are you even acknowledging me? 

You, a Jew, and I, a Samaritan woman,

and you want a drink of water from me? 

Really? Why would you break social order

treat me as an equal, converse with me?

It must be that you don’t know the truth. 

how I’m fallen_

off the map where even God can’t find me 

Your words give me hope

You make me feel like I haven’t felt in forever

Seen. Heard. Forgiven. Even loved?

not a social pariah with five failed marriages

now trapped in a disastrous relationship

used and discarded, again, and again

I would like what you promise

Living water

Within me

a spring of water welling up to eternal life

never thirsty again 

the Spirit of God 

living inside of me 

so I can truly worship 

the Father 

in Spirit and truth 

What? You are He?

the Messiah

the one called the Christ

Saviour of the world

and You know me, yet, still want me

Searched for me, even thirsted for me 

Our meeting no accident

A wonder of an encounter.

Following Him

""Repairer of the breach,"" they shall call you, ""Restorer of ruined homesteads."" 

If I had to choose a superhero name, I wouldn't mind either one of the above. To be able to bring healing, peace and reconciliation to people, families, what a great vocation. 

Actually., this vocation is a common one among Christians for this is what Jesus did. And if we follow Him, then He has promised He will guide us always, renew our strength, and nourish us. As long as we do not follow our ways, or seek our own interests, then we will be able to delight in Him no matter what we do. That is the promise revealed to prophet Isaiah. 

As we all know, following Jesus is not an easy strretch, by any means, because it requires much sacrifice and ever-present humility, a constant refinement of spirit through self-examination and repentance. And yet, the rewards can be long-lasting. 

So a apt prayer today would be as the psalmist wrote:

Keep my life, for I am devoted to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God.

Fasting 101

We all know what fasting is, especially in today's context, where it's touted as a healthy lifestyle and great weight loss tool. But as a disciple of Christ, fasting has to have wider ramifications. We have to go beyond ourselves and make concrete changes in the world. Isiaih, chapter 58 says it best;

This, rather, is the fasting that I wish:

releasing those bound unjustly,

untying the thongs of the yoke;

Setting free the oppressed,

breaking every yoke;

Sharing your bread with the hungry,

sheltering the oppressed and the homeless;

Clothing the naked when you see them,

and not turning your back on your own.

Then your light shall break forth like the dawn,

and your wound shall quickly be healed;

Your vindication shall go before you,

and the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.

Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer,

you shall cry for help, and he will say: Here I am!

Choosing life or death

I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then...

Practically every choice we make in life involves choosing between life and death. It may not seem that way, but consequences have a way of coming back and blowing up in our faces years after that first seemingly inconsequential poor choice that reaped immediate, big rewards, or so ims. 

Take me, for instance, I ate a hash brown for breakfast knowing it was a poor choice, but it offered me instant gratification. I'm on vacation, it's allowed, was my excuse. It is now so easy for me to keep making excuses and end up eating unhealthily over the next few days, and I may continue to do so after my break, for a pattern has already been set. 

Why did I pick food as an example? Wisdom and temperance may be easier to exercise when it comes to ethical issues where good or bad choices are more clear-cut, but when it comes to the temple of God, the bodiy, we tend to unwisely pick death quite often. 

How many good Christians I know who can't fast? It requires great discipline and self-mastery which ihelp us make good choices in many other areas of our lives. Given that it's Lent, fasting at least once a week may not be a bad idea. And on the other days, a healthy diet and some exercise will also mean we choose life. We choose to take care of our bodias we should. 

To run the good race requires stamina, endurance and focus. We need to be triathletes, with multiple skills, if we want to serve God as we desire, to be strong and ready to go the full distance.So choose health and fitness today, choose life, as part of your plan to be a good disciple of Christ. If you don't feel good in your body, it is just so much harder to be good, and to do good.

It's the events in our lives that shape us but the choies in our lives that define us. - Detective Mac Taylor, CSI: NY

Turning back

Rend your hearts, not your garments. This particular sentence struck me this morning as I was reading Joel. This call to repentance reminds me Lent is not about an outward show of actions, but rather what I do when I pray, fast and give alms, that it's not about me feeling good that I have ticked the boxes of requisite Lenten acts, but that I come to a place within me that tears apart all pretence and pride that prevent me from walking closer with Jesus. 

Every day, I may fall short in my intentions to be good, I may indulge in the sins of harsh impatience and hatd indifference, or worse, I may be in a spiritual rut, but, today I choose to listen to His voice and I seek to root out and destroy the impurities in my heart. I pray that I will be given the strength and perserverance to walk the next 40 days of Lent, allowing Jesus to show me new joys and pleasures of my ongoing conversion.

A pure heart create for me, O God,

put a steadfast spirit within me.

Preserving faith

I have not been physically tip-top lately, and I put it down to ageing, and again, the need to engage in self-care shrieks in my ears to remind me I have been negligent. I have again been trying to do too much, charging around, putting the needs of others before my own sidestepped ones. And yet, isn’t that what we are called to do? What happens when I can no longer help or be of any use to someone, much less society at large? It is a sobering thought. What if I can no longer be that good and faithful servant, parlaying my five talents into ten?

I could feel the unspoken frustrations of my SD whom I visited yesterday, who was clearly feeling the weight of his years and poignantly wondered if he would see 92 in July? What is it like to live in a decaying body that betrays you with its limitations, pain and suffering? And yet, here he was, valiantly cheerful, endeavouring to minister to my spiritual life. God bless him for still trying so hard at his age to give in his physically straitened circumstances.

He is, for me, the image of the indomitable, good and faithful servant, undefeated by the ravages of time. The lesson for me was this, to never stop moving forward. Don’t give up, keep on going, walk every step in faith. Only by faith will we be carried by divine grace to remain smiling graciously even when we are wrecked with pain; to be able to inspire others when we feel so uninspired, and truth be told, down in the dumps, ourselves. It is the discipline of faith, the way we assiduously nurture the gift of faith given to us by God, that will enable us to sail the waters of chaos, loss and challenge in our lives.

We need to work long and hard at keeping the faith alive - like Simeon and Anna, who were both present at the Presentation of Jesus, and could rejoice with His parents when they saw the Messiah Himself. We must be faithful, ready to live every single day in the temple of the Lord, consecrating ourselves, living a particular lifestyle of prayer and praise indefatigably, being of singular heart and mind, never doubting, despite the numerous naysayers that surround us, and the tragedies that grip our lives.

Only when we invoke and manifest this gift of faith will we actually be able to see the face of our Lord in our lives. Not only that, in those interminable years of waiting, we will, like Simeon and Anna, be able to incarnate Christ to all we meet.  

I would like to think that both Father A and myself saw Baby Jesus in each other and that we both came away from our meeting with hearts a little lighter, more hopeful, even healed, and filled with some of the joy that surely both Simeon and Anna felt that fateful day in the temple. 

Birthday kisses

It’s been seven years

Since we celebrated, laughed,

Past joys sorely missed.

Sweet birthday kisses

Borne on spring breezes to you_ 

Catch them in delight.

Love you forever

Gentle soul, not forgotten 

Till time’s eternal.

Making it count

This morning I attended the funeral mass of J, someone I knew from Saint Teresa’s when I was active in the parish there. While I didn’t know J very well, what I knew of her was confirmed by the celebrant as well as the eulogy by her son. When Father Paul Goh had a stroke some 20 years ago, J ensured that his meals were looked after as he convalesced. J was clearly loved by family and friends. By all accounts she lived a full and meaningful life, putting the needs of others before hers, loving and serving to the end. 

What came to me during mass was this: make every day count. If I were to make a New Year resolution, this would be the one. Immediately, I thought of my cousin E, how when she battled cancer, even in her diminished physical state, she still managed to reach out to fellow cancer patients and pray with them, and for them. She made a difference in the lives of many. She made her days count. 

The only way I can do the same is if I let the sun rise and set on one continuous, singular act of gratitude which is, as P likes to remind me of his very apt school motto, ora et labora, pray and labour. 

My first act upon waking is to pray. Consequently as I go about my day, I continue to orientate myself to the Lord, offering up all my actions for His glory, even those I am not proud of (these I ask Him to help mediate and remedy). Finally before I sleep, I take time to reflect on my day: where I went wrong, what I could have done better, what I did okay, and to thank Jesus for all the times I saw how He brought me through the day safely. 

Today, Father P also said something that resonated with me. In a nutshell: Those who acted for the good of others will be happy in life. Whereas, those who only thought of their own good were guaranteed to be unhappy. Happiness is a by-product of being that good and faithful servant Jesus talks about; the beloved disciple who seeks to love others as the Master loves them. 

His point was proven when my grandson popped into my room this afternoon and demanded that I serve him. The joy and pleasure I derived from looking after J and playing with him, and, hopefully, influencing him to become a virtuous man someday is inestimable. Of course, not everything I do in life, all those worthwhile, virtuous endeavours, will make me happy. Some are difficult, and may even be downright unpleasant. But if I truly want to make my days count, then it is simple enough. I simply have to make Jesus happy. How? Love as He does. Be one with the Father. Be salt and light. Be grateful. Be good. Be someone who knows she has already won the prize of eternal life, and who will do everything in her power to keep it.