Turning the other cheek

It is no accident that the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 disaster should fall on a Sunday where the readings are on the practice of forgiveness.

Can we forgive the destruction and death wrought 10 years ago that was so unthinkably devastating?

We are told that resentment and anger are "foul things, and both are found with the sinner" in Ecclesiasticus. The writer further reminds us that if we wish to be forgiven ourselves, we must choose to forgive others. For God always forgives, His covenant with us a sign of His unending mercy

While Saint Paul reminds the Romans that "the life and death of each of us has its influence on others" and to therefore "live for the Lord" and "die for the Lord", for we "belong" to Him.

Finally Jesus himself tells Peter that we must forgive not seven but seventy-seven times. In other words, always.

This teaching on forgiveness is hard to swallow and even more difficult to carry out when we come face to face with evil or suffering.

In instances of extreme evil or destruction, whether natural (today is also the six-month anniversary of the tsunami that devastated Japan) or human-induced, we even question the existence of God, which interestingly enough is what convinces Aquinas that God exists.

God does not cause evil directly but He allows evil in order to bring good from it.

We are created good (being created in His image) and by virtue of this goodness, the human spirit has the capacity to triumph over evil.

The human capacity to love, to hope and to believe is infinite. This is what propels us forward: to pick up the pieces and rebuild something good out of what evil has reduced to rubble.

To go beyond fear, despair, bitterness and anger; to find healing and to find a way to live with peace and inner joy.

To forgive is to find new life by letting go of the past and not let it control our future actions in ways that diminish us.

It invites us to define how suffering has changed us and to discover how we can rise above our suffering and ourselves: to make limoncello out of lemons.

In the Linns' book Don't Forgive Too Soon Extending the Two Hands That Heal, they offer an enlightening interpretation of what Jesus means when He tells us to "turn the other cheek" (Matthew 5:38-42).

Rather than accepting violence submissively, turning your other cheek signals that you are "reclaiming your dignity" and communicating "that you refuse to be humiliated". How so?

In ancient times, the left hand was reserved for unclean tasks. Hence when a master were to strike his slave, he would backhand the slave with his right hand and hit the slave on the right cheek. Backhanding people signified a position of power and superiority.

When one presents the left cheek, ass Jesus advised, the person who is striking you would have to punch you to hit you again with his right hand.

Punches are thrown only among equals so in receiving the punch of your attacker, you are saying I will not resort to your violent ways but I am equal in dignity to you.

Non-violent engagement in dealing with evil requires forgiveness which is a process the Linns see as similar to Kubler-Ross's stages of dealing with death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

It demands of us creative ways of stopping the evil by resorting to means that communicate we will not cooperate with evil but that we are reacting in a life-giving manner that will not perpetuate violence but rapprochement.

We must never forget that evil does exist and that our lives will invariably be touched by its insidious malevolence.

We can, however, honour the past by choosing goodness, and deal with evil actively in the way Jesus exhorts us to - by turning the other cheek and saying no to oppression, hate, "dissolution and death".

Judgement calls

In today's readings we are called to speak truth into the lives of those around us, to point out their sins, for if we do not, then we will be held "accountable for their blood".

Yet we are also reminded that love is the driving force behind all the commandments and that we should nurture a love of neighbours.

A tall order for to be humbly righteous without being judgemental, truthful yet lovingly so and on top of that, to know when exactly to voice your opinion is mighty tough.

I grew up in a family of opinionated and legalistic people so to pass judgement on others is a skill that comes only too naturally to me.

On the positive side, I do have a fairly well-developed sense of right and wrong and given that I am aware of my judgemental streak, I do manage to actively censor the worst of the highly critical comments that pop into my head unbidden.

What I find humbling and highly amusing (yup, it's confirmed, He does have a bona fide sense of humour) is when I get outraged at how others behave and I turn the situation around in my mind, He often reveals to me a situation in which I have behaved in exactly the same manner.

Who am I to cast the first stone?

What I have learnt this year is that we should never judge people, just their actions. And even in this regard, we need to look a little deeper at the person's intent to make a more accurate assessment of any given situation.

The standing joke in class when we are asked to judge a situation is that the only answer we should give is, "It depends".

Plus the only conscience we need worry about (as Father David pointed out so fittingly) is our own, and that alone will keep us fully occupied for our own redemption depends on our choices in life, and you can bet your life that we will screw up no matter how "good" we are.

Having said all that, there are universal principles that govern morality: what is right and what is wrong and often we are reticent in proclaiming our belief in these principles for fear of being thought a persnickety prude. I know I am often guilty of keeping silent because of this.

It takes prudence and guts to be able to tell it like it is, yet do it in such a way that the other person is receptive to the message.

As Saint Paul said to the Romans, "Love is the fulfilling of the law", so love is supreme. This means being open to the movements of the Spirit and to let that be the guide for Jesus is always loving and never manipulative (as humans can be).

Being a good Christian is not about being popular or nice, it's about being loving, and that sometimes involves being a "watchman" or a party pooper prophet.

In order to make the right judgement call, we need to grow in wisdom, and the best place to start is with "fear of the Lord". (Proverbs 1:7a)

Luncheon challenge

One of my worst nightmares is to be put into a roomful of strangers who know each other well and I found myself in exactly that situation last weekend, with the exception of my good friend who had invited me to lunch.

I was extremely uncomfortable and knew I would be but went anyway because I love M. and wanted to celebrate with her (plus I had not seen her in a while). I also have a masochistic streak in me and like to challenge myself.

I came home with a tension headache.

So this made me ask myself why I had such an adverse reaction? Why was I so stressed out? There were a number of reasons:

*  I am an introvert who enjoys being alone; never bored with my own company.

*  I hate small talk for I find it meaningless and therefore am quite bad at it.
*  I was painfully shy as a teenager because I had low self-esteem and I have never really outgrown the awkward, gauche girl I was.

Yup, I am socially inept although I have learnt how to get by most times. Although last Sunday was not one of those times and I felt I was failing miserably, hence the headache ("Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go and eat worms...").

It is quite disgruntling to note that I can still be a prisoner of my teenaged angst-filled years where I felt like an unloved, weird misfit.

And yet, I know that this is who I am and I am still learning to embrace my own unique shortcomings and weaknesses.

We are bombarded daily with messages of  how we should look (slim, youthful and sexy) and what will make us happy (more designer stuff, living the high life with an adoring good-looking, rich partner, etc.) and it's so easy to fall into the trap of self-loathing for how many of us actually attain the celebrated ideals?

And if we do, can we hold on to them or do they turn out to be illusory and too transient for lasting happiness?

This is where I feel blessed to be grounded and centred on Christ. One of my greatest esteem-boosters has been my affirming relationship with Jesus for through Him, I know what's important  in my life.

As Saint Paul said to the Colossians: "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."

With Christ, I know I am loved for who I am exactly where I am, without having to lift a finger to prove anything. He also points me in the right direction and best of all, I don't have to be perfect to attain my goals.

The journey is definitely more significant than the destination and if I maintain the right disposition and attitude in life, pointing towards Christ always, I will be near perfect in my bumbling, surly social persona. And even when I fall.

So when I do fall short of my own expectations, I remind myself it's okay, I am still loved, and not to get into a self-hate downward spiral about it.

At the same time I recognize that there is always room for improvement. As my aunt L. was fond of saying: Be content with what you have, but not with what you are.

Maybe the next lunch with strangers will be easier. I will be "better". Let's hope so for I am going for two separate luncheons today to celebrate Eid with friends.

Update 5:30pm: I enjoyed myself at both places - the food and conversation with strangers were equally good. Yay!

Life and death

I've just finished the module on bioethics and when we covered end of life, it brought back memories of journeying with my father and also with a friend, A.

Vestiges of grief still cloud my heart even though it will be eight years to the day that my father departed.

Whether dealing with issues like contraceptives, IVF, abortion, organ transplants or euthanasia, the same principles hold:

*  Good ends do not justify evil means.

*  The objective good of the human person is to be respected over the private best interest of the individual.

*  Equal dignity is accorded to every person regardless of whether he or she has a voice (this includes the embryonic and comatose) or state of life (young or old, rich or poor).

Obstacles to acceptance of these principles are utilitarianism and Cartesian dualism where human life is measured by functionality and we tend to think we can treat our bodies as objects.

This has led to a disregard for the inviolability of human life, especially in the womb and at the end of life.

I am glad I have the principles written above to guide me through life for I have seen firsthand how easy it is to make wrong decisions out of fear or guilt when it comes to the process of dying.

It is tough to watch someone you love suffering and dying a slow death before your eyes.

As you support them in their fight against death, agonizing if treatment decisions made are the right ones (at what point does the treatment from curative become palliative), you also combat a mix of fear, grief, anger and guilt that course through you, the helpless bystander.

You wish their suffering would end yet you are not ready to let them go in the arms of death for you fear you will never recover from the loss.

One of the reasons why people subscribe to euthanasia is because they do not want to be a burden to those around them. They may see their existence as meaningless for they are no longer functional and they want to end their suffering.

I was privileged to journey with my father who was always courageous and looked life, and death, straight in the eye.

One of his greatest fears in life was to be a burden on others for he was a proud man. Yet in his battle with cancer which I would consider humiliating for someone who was so fiercely independent, he abandoned himself to God and in the process found strength to face death with inspiring grace.

Never once did he contemplate giving up fighting the disease. At the same time, he wisely knew that his time on earth was in the hands of the Almighty, to the second he drew his last breath.

Watching how A suffered the indignity of being a guinea pig as she desperately sought a cure to the end made me resolute that I would do my best to choose the truth, no matter how unpalatable it is.

I have made known my wishes to family and friends that I would not wish for disproportionate means to be used to keep me alive, in the event I am unable to make the decision myself.

I am also very clear in my mind that suicide is never an option no matter how tough my life may get. God willing, I will be given the strength to maintain this stance should I be faced with great suffering.

My greatest wish is that I will be my father's daughter to the end: living life meaningfully and dying with undying faith.

Of love and marriage

In Theology of the Body, marriage is used as the icon that best exemplifies the kind of love God has for us and created us to experience in union with Him.

A love that is free, total, faithful and fruitful.

The idea of marital love is hard for many of us to grasp, especially those of us who are not in that state of life.

In the current W2W group of 14 women, only two are married. So how can the rest of us live out TOB?

Some of us have found it hard going in accepting this icon and applying TOB to our lives for our understanding of love and marriage is shaped very much by culture and tradition.

I initially thought that if I am not married I will not be able to live out the God-meaning of my body fully, that I am only able to be a self-donating gift to another in marriage.

While the example of marriage is supposed to best describe the strength and purity of love we are each called to receive and give, it does not mean that being single, I am unable to fulfil or experience this type of love.

It does not mean that I am doomed to an existence of loneliness and sexual frustration if I remain on my own.

What I have had to do in order to crack the conundrum of the spousal meaning of my body as a single woman is to understand the vocation of marriage differently.

That I am first called to an intimate, spousal relationship with the living God. To live out that free, total, faithful and fruitful relationship that Jesus Himself had with His Father.

It has meant flying in the face of popular thinking (not easy), that a woman needs a man to be delivered of loneliness and that it is better to be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all. Or being single is a sad and lonely existence.

Why else do women stick out abusive and dead-end relationships for years? Or value relationships with men who are not good for them?

I must admit I do fall into the trap of sometimes wanting the perfect Hollywood ending of woman gets hero and sails off into the sunset in his arms, but I know it's just a romanticized depiction of love that is more wishful than realistic.

Plus I have experienced the fruits of a close relationship with Jesus and it's been awesome.

I know I am deeply loved as a woman and that has built my self-confidence and given me a sound sense of identity.

My life has meaning because I am utilizing my gifts in ways that bring me great satisfaction and joy.

There is the coherence of truth and the beauty of integration in who I am.

All this because I've allowed myself to be loved and respected as the bride and sister of the Bridegroom in Song of Songs.

It is hard to surmount the cultural mores of society to embrace the true dignity of our identity as man or woman, as we were each uniquely created, but JPII's wisdom has helped me recognize it increasingly.

TOB may not be an easy message to internalize but once it happens, love follows and it all makes perfect sense.

Love and marriage can be mine today and I do not have to wait by my window, waiting for my prince to come.

He is already here.

Uplifting thoughts

E asked me how do I keep uplifted all the time. It made me smile for I haven't felt much like a happy camper lately.

July has been a difficult month for me: visitors, a gruelling 10-day course, vertigo (for the first time ever) and severe back pain have reduced me to permanent dark eye circles and perpetual grouchiness.

Maintaining a normal, placid exterior was tough but what helped me, as in all less than ideal situations I've faced is knowing that it would pass, and to have been given the grace to keep limping along in the meantime.

Perspective is a great teacher. I have been through worse times in my life so this was a walk in the park in comparison, miserable as I felt.

Plus, even when the going was bleak in recent times past, my faith kept me going. knowing that Jesus was walking with me every step of the way, cheering me on and comforting me when I needed a shoulder to cry on by way of caring friends and kind strangers gave me the heart to persevere.

The power of my faith lies in my living relationship with the Trinitarian God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

In last week's Bible Timeline talk, the topic of commandments came up and rather than looking at commandments or Church teachings as hampering and enjoyment-curtailing dos and don'ts, one should consider them in the context of covenant and relationship.

Until I understood my faith in terms of a covenantal blessing and sought to cherish and nurture my relationship with God, I saw God as a killjoy policeman god whom I resented for making me feel bad and guilty all the time.

I turned away from Him and tried to find happiness on my own terms. The Hebrew word for sin chet means missing the mark and I never quite found lasting happiness or peace in my God-free actions. I kept missing the mark repeatedly.

Until I realized that far from being a policeman god, God was "gracious and merciful, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love" (Psalm 145).

He loved me and never stopped loving me through my years of self-imposed exile and promises to love me forever.

I fell in love with Him (how can one not love a man who is so gentle, loyal and sincere) and gave Him my pledge of love, "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health".  

So even though I may have to walk through valleys dark and deep in the future (and just walked through a short one recently), I know He is with me always, guiding me with loving hands.

This is what keeps me uplifted. His love keeps me warm inside and this warmth melts away the bitter iciness of anger, unforgiveness, anguish, loss and envy.

The truth of love

My elder bro and I were chatting (yes, July/August has been busy for me for my brothers - eldest and youngest - and my uncle have stopped by for a visit) and the conversation centred around the Chinese zodiac.

"Rats do not get along with horses, monkeys or dragons," he stated with something akin to surprise. I had to smile at his reaction for he was born into a family with a horse, monkey and dragon and we all muddle along just fine.

Well, Dad was not exactly the easiest of people to live with but it would have been the same no matter what year he was born in. I love the man deeply and I still respect and uphold his beliefs and values but living with him was like living on the edge of a constantly erupting volcano - tumultuous and nerve-wrecking.

I then said to J, it doesn't really matter what zodiac sign we are as long as we have empathy. It's about choice - choosing to love your family even when they drive you crazy.

It's certainly the preeminent way of learning how to cultivate the virtues of kindness, tolerance, forgiveness, acceptance, generosity, flexibility and self-control, and more...the family is indeed the school of humanity.

There is some truth in zodiac signs but I don't put much stock in them for it's all the same with fortune-tellers, astrologers, palmists, etc., what is revealed is partially true and partial truths can be misguiding, especially if we come to believe in them completely and base our decisions on what is represented as truth.

Lest we forget, the devil's currency is half-truths. And as the old saying goes: A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

We may be tempted to close our minds and hearts to other truths which may be more valid or liberating, falling victim to tunnel vision, or even worse, divisive prejudice.

Or we could end up limiting ourselves and our aspirations which would be tragic for self-fulfilling prophecies are all lie sans truth.

We are the lords of our lives in that we have each been given free will and an intellect to figure out which paths we want to take in life.

To give away our power to reason to another person and let this other decide how we should act is how we allow dictators to be born.

Yes, we all need a little visibility in life at times, especially when it comes to big decisions. That's where the only soothsayer worth consulting is God for He alone deals in Truth (and He gives it away for free).

More importantly, He created us out of love and wants to bless us, without any ulterior motive or hidden agenda.

And He has. Not just with goodness, reason and will, but with a thirst for love, beauty and truth.

The question is do we trust His blessings and apply ourselves to make them fully ours? Do we wait on His timing? Or are we impatient and easily swayed by false prophets who dazzle with seductive half-truths?

So even though big bro and I may have very different opinions and life choices, we are unified by love, beginning first with the love of my parents for each other from which flows their love for each of us that cements the love between us siblings.

I don't pretend to comprehend what makes him tick but I do strive to love and accept him for who he is and I would go to bat for him any time, knowing he would do the same for me.

For in life, there are no coincidences and I know we are all in the same family (the entire motley crew) for a reason - to learn how to love each other (differences, warts and all) and help each other get to heaven, and to have fun along the way as we do it.

This is the power and beauty of love. And that's the truth. 

The goodness of loneliness

I read with interest Sumiko Tan's column last Sunday on how marriage has not solved the problem of her loneliness for I have been reflecting on loneliness lately.

A number of women around me have been experiencing loss in their lives and are trying to come to terms with the yawning ache the loss has been left inside them and I have been wondering what can I say to them to make them feel better?

It was also a question my SD asked me recently. So how do I deal with loneliness?

I have spent a lot of my life lonely and restless. Even when I was in a relationship, there was a void in me that could not be filled, so I could identify with what Tan is experiencing.

Shouldn't being in a relationship signal the end of loneliness? On the contrary, as she pointed out, "it can worsen the ache" for despite  having "found a mate, you're basically still in this alone".

Ironically, it was only when I made the decision to be single that I learnt how to deal with loneliness for only then could I break free of the chains of habit and fear to make the journey inward and to find what I had spent my whole life looking for.

It was as Saint Augustine himself wrote: You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.

In endeavouring to see the "face of God" (a desire which had lain buried deep inside of me, forgotten) I embarked on a journey of purifying my heart and I have found many wonderful things, but chiefly a panacea for the worst of my lonely pangs.

I found myself first - my history, my identity and my mission. Nothing like knowing what you were put on this earth to do to give new heart and a fresh outlook. And when the going gets tough, it helps keep you focused.

Scripture has been pivotal in providing clues, and still points me in the right direction when I have questions. It is rightly termed God's love letter to humanity and is concrete evidence of His presence in our midst.

My Bible Timeline group recently asked why it was that the Holy Book was filled with stories of a bunch of weak, greedy, lustful, violent and feckless people and a seemingly vengeful God.

Reading the Old Testament would hardly convert non-believers or help them understand why Christianity can be about unconditional and merciful love.

I found a fitting answer to this question in Ronald Rolheiser's The Restless Heart* for as he put it as with all true stories of the heart, they are also the story of our hearts. As such they can provide us with much liberating insight.

The stories of the Old Testament are "also revelation stories" which reveal "the heart of God and God's understanding of our hearts. Because of this they possess qualities of timelessness, universality, insight, and healing that go beyond the power of our own stories."

Bible stories are about real people who have struggled with the same issues we now grapple with and offer us either signs of encouragement or little nuggets of wisdom.

Apart from finding my own story and place within salvation history, re-discovering a sense of the sacred has given me a renewed zest for life and a delighted appreciation for the created world.

In the book of Genesis, Esau is described as a "profane" man, one who "treated the holy as common" and sold his birthright for a bowl of lentils.

I had done the same previously when I had not understood the profundity of my identity as child of God. I gave it away and remained lost in a self-centred definition of freedom and love.

To esteem the goodness of the Creator, the beauty of His creations, and the inspired work of holy men and women have challenged me to expand my own heart and be open to the movement of the Spirit in the quotidian hum of daily living.

To be awed like a child who looks at the world with eyes of wonder and sees miracles at every turn, this is how I aspire to live life and when I succeed, I am filled with joy and inner peace. And I rest in Him.

Regaining my sense of the sacred has also enabled me to find God in all things. In the gentle breeze, in my mother's laughter, in the frustration of missing my bus and in the lonely ache of my heart.

Yes, loneliness never goes away for it is a condition of the human heart. But in the still point of prayer; in being available not just to God but to people He has surrounded me with; in being actively involved  and connected in "the community of life", the gnawing ache of loneliness is lessened.

This spirituality of loneliness is one displayed most admirably by Mother Teresa who despite experiencing the absence of God in her latter years, continued to reach out and love others.

Her loneliness made her empathize with the poor and unwanted, and kept her humble in spite of her acknowledged greatness.

So loneliness need not be a dreaded foe or a destructive force that pushes us to addictive, insalubrious behaviour or unending depression.

Instead it can propel us to come out of our shell and to maybe, just maybe find God in a different way and help us build a deeper, more intimate bond with Him. We don't have to sing the blues alone.

Loneliness can be a good thing. It is all up to us to make it worthwhile, to make it good.

* Father Rolheiser's book identifies possible causes of loneliness and the different types of loneliness. He also offers a way out of being enslaved by loneliness or restlessness which I have found works. Great book - worth a read.

Covenant and blessing

Baby bro and I were chatting and he doesn't believe in marriage, hardly surprising for it is a belief shared by more and more people the world over.

Living together seems to be the simpler and more sincere option given how many marriages end in divorce.

While I have always believed in the sanctity of marital vows, I do question if it's worth the effort to try and find someone, given the disposable mind-set of most people today.

Plus, is it possible to find someone who takes commitment seriously and sees it as freedom-giving, rather than freedom-constricting?

Someone who sees that men and women are created for union - a permanent union where vows are exchanged to seal the relationship in a special way that speaks of undying, unconditional love, the commitment of fidelity and the blessing of fruitfulness.

The marital covenant is still something men and women seek (if we are truly honest with each other) for we all want a special someone who will love us and be there for us through good and bad times.

Living together does not cut it even though it may look attractive, for there is always the unspoken rule that either party could walk, and without the formality of a covenant, there is less push to make it work when things go south (which they will for there will be peaks and troughs in any relationship).

The marital covenant is there to remind us to become better people, to not be quitters in life. It also requires work which is the sticking point for most couples today who want all of the pleasure and none of the pain. Or who walk into marriage with unrealistic and selfish expectations.

As both baby bro and I have been in relationships where we thought we had found The One only to be disappointed, both he and I are battle-scarred cautious when it comes to love, and not a little cynical.

Are there any good men, or good women left in the world?

I have begun to view singlehood as my penultimate state of life for I am comfortable and fulfilled where I am and I view “relationships” are a dark, cold chasm I am unwilling to venture down even though deep within my heart there is a place where the marriage light shines feebly.

The risk of getting my heart broken again just seems unattractive and most unwise.

Last night we were discussing Abraham and I have always thought he was the model of faithfulness until Jeff Cavins* pointed out instances where even Abraham showed that he did not completely trust God.

Abraham had his own insurance policies in the form of Lot and Hagar for he could not quite believe the blessings of fruitfulness God wished to bestow on him.

In many ways I am like Abraham, I cannot quite believe the blessings that are mine and I do not act in ways that would demonstrate I am indeed open to the blessings.

To walk by faith is an unending series of actions that require conscious thought and effort and there are days where I'd rather coast or backslide. Mediocrity and complacency are my insurance policies (sadly enough).

My one hope is that like Abraham I may stumble, but I will also keep growing in faith to the point where I trust completely that He will provide and be willing to be open to God in all areas of my life whether it be love life or vocation.

Life is indeed an adventure with many twists and turns but how I advance is up to me. I can keep going back to the start, as Abraham did initially, or I can finally let go and let God and journey towards claiming my blessing.

Hopefully I get there sooner than Abraham did.

* I am doing Jeff Cavins' The Bible Timeline which is a wonderful way to get acquainted with the Bible.

Multiplication miracle

J and N got married yesterday and it was a beautiful and unique wedding. Both bride and groom stamped their personalities on the celebration and it was irrepressibly joyous and a gorgeous image of God's love in the couple's very human quirkiness.

One thing that really stood out for me was how central God was in their lives and therefore every part of the wedding ceremony was special: they had a network of like-minded friends and relatives who volunteered their services to bring the wedding mass to life – from the witnessing priest down to the altar boys, no one who participated in the mass was a stranger.

It was a true community effort. The Gospel reading they chose was the theme of their journey that finally culminated in yesterday's nuptial celebration: the miracle of five loaves and two fishes.

God has truly been a God of surprises in their relationship and it’s been a joy for me to witness the delightful surprises He has sprung on them along the way, mainly because they have both surrendered their relationship to Him.

Father David in his homily spoke of how significant decisions like the decision to marry are bigger than all of us (even if we think that decisions that we make are a private matter between God and us) for we are all connected in some way, chiefly we all have the same Maker and He has created us for one purpose only: “God himself is an eternal exchange of love, Father Son, and Holy Spirit, and he has destined us to share in that exchange.” (CCC221*)  

We are invited to participate in God’s ultimate plan of love and marriage is one of the ways we can flesh out this invitation on earth.

For J and N, yesterday marks the first day of that plan as they become for the other the means by which they get to heaven as they bless each other with their committed and sustained fidelity and sanctify each other with a love that is naked without shame. 

I recently remarked to my cousin that I did not know what plans God had for me for He has recently revealed possibilities that were pretty disparate. Despite my human need for clarity, I know that I must be open to surprise, that is, like J and N, be open to God’s direction in my life and to also be open to His timeframe.

Father Arro today commented that if we do not let God’s Word germinate in us, watering it with silence and a listening heart, then we will not be able to see the blossoms of surprises that God has in store for us.

We will constantly miss the opportunities to see the multiplication of loaves and fishes in our own lives if we do not let go of our own fears, wounds and distorted perceptions; and if we persist in tunnel vision or a mindset that eschews change.

We will turn our back on miracles that “will prosper” (Jeremiah 29:11) us.

My sincere wish for J and N is that they will continue to experience much joy in being gift to each other and that they will witness as many miracles of grace that God chooses to bestow on them.

As for myself, I will continue to "groan inwardly"(Romans 8:22-23) with my need to cultivate humility and patience, and hope that I will see the miracle of multiplication in my life no matter what happens.

*Catechism of the Catholic Church

Gratitude and forgiveness

A was sharing with me when we met for breakfast a passage she really liked from Martin Seligman's book Authentic Happiness which talks about gratitude and forgiveness as being important in the search for happiness.

And just yesterday, Brother Terence was commenting on the wide disparity between the number of petitions compared to the number of thanksgiving prayers reported at each novena.

It was a timely reminder for me as I have had to exercise forgiveness in a number of situations this last week. I have also experienced many things to be grateful for and there were times I was not suitably thankful (the bane of being a highly critical person).

It isn't easy to work with people who are vastly different in outlook, temperament and motivation. I get impatient when people don't seem to be on the same page as I am (which is naturally the right page), and I have to remind myself we are on the same team, especially when I get irritated by something silly someone said.

But people like these are easy to forgive, it's those whom I love that are harder to forgive when they hurt me and make me angry, sad or disappointed.

Love complicates things. Because not only do we have to contend with how a loved one's actions made us feel, we also have to grapple with our own reactive emotions about ourselves.

When we are exposed as foolish or gullible in how we choose to love, forgiving someone who is mean or nasty to us is not easy for we sometimes cannot forgive our own foolishness.

Only fools get taken in twice or choose to persist in loving someone who is hurtful and hateful.

Even the wisdom of knowing I am doing the right thing does not make me feel better.

Forgiveness is a choice I have to consciously make, again and again, despite the maelstrom of negative emotions within me - this is possible only if I am humble enough to realize I cannot do it on my own and must rely on God's grace. 

Perhaps today's Gospel says it all, to have a child's wholehearted acceptance of Jesus' invitation to rest in Him, to learn to be gentle and humble of heart as He is, that is the way to find rest for my soul. (Matthew 11:25-30)

Rather than focus on the hurts I have received, I will lay my hurts, my burdens at His feet and allow Him to teach me how to let them go, and let Him transform me (not others who need to change their ways).

And rather than judge the imperfect situations, the less-than-ideal relationships and the ways I fall short despite my desire to be good, I will focus on being grateful for where I am right now, for all the love and graces I have received thus far.

I thus, give thanks, and sing praise, in the words of Isaiah*.

I will greatly rejoice in the LORD,
my whole being shall exult in my God;
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation,
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
ad as a bride adorns herself with jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its shoots,
and as a garden causes what is sown in it to spring up,

May my heart always be fertile ground for the Lord's wisdom and compassion so that I can find a real and lasting happiness in spite of life's follies and caprices.

* Isaiah 61:10-11

A perfect boost

I just came back from the Philippines after spending five incredible days there. Thanks to Noah's Ark, the distributor for Christopher West's TOB books and DVDs in Asia, I was able to attend Chris West's Freedom to Love Conference on June 25th.

In person, CW was larger than life - a charismatic and passionate champion of JPII's divine-inspired wisdom. It was totally awesome! I was blown away.

On top of this opportunity to see CW live, I got to spend a day with my cousin E and the ICPE community in Tagaytay. Despite the tropical storm Falcon, my time there was like a slice of E's tiramisu birthday cake (J you are a patissier extraordinaire):

An evocative complexity of bittersweet, creamy richness with the aromatic, stimulating zing of black coffee and the unctuous chilled buzz of alcohol. What an absolute treat!

I don't get to see E much and I always treasure the moments I get with her. Love you mega much, coz and thanks for showing me such a good time.

As if all this wasn't enough, I got to eat all the yummy Filipino cuisine I love: dinuguan, sisig, pancit palabok, crispy pata, lechon, sinigang, balut, halo2, ensaymadas... and hang with my girls C and D to do what every true blue Singaporean loves to do, SHOP.

This trip has got to be the best pre-birthday present ever for it was spiritually edifying, emotionally uplifting and intellectually stimulating, not forgetting physically satisfying (although my arteries would not concur).

I am grateful on so many levels and raring to go on the next leg of my journey for I feel the winds of change coming, which is scary exhilarating.

One of my key takeaways from the conference is the timely reminder of the difference between perfectionism and perfection for my perfectionistic tendencies can be a real drawback.

Perfectionism, according to CW, is the erroneous belief that God will not love me until I am perfect and I need to earn God's love. Consequently, no one will love me if I am not perfect.

Seeing as I am never going to be perfect in this lifetime, I might as well give up and slink off in despair. This line of thinking is really killing and it causes me to idle in inaction indefinitely.

The other danger to perfectionism is when I seek to be good, I sometimes get hung up on the rules and forget that it's the spirit of the law that matters and that a gift of love should always be given with a willing, loving heart. I become a grim and self-righteous Christian - most unattractive.

"To be perfect as our Father is perfect" means that I should not put my standards of love onto God but rather I should adopt His perfect ways.

Jesus loves me right here and now. I don't have to do anything to earn His love. Instead I just have to be is open to His love in my sinful state and in so doing, I will feel compelled to love Him; then, and only then, can I become a perfect gift of love.

For Jesus chose to enter into my sin to encounter me and He is with me every step of the way. He will never abandon me, my perfect bridegroom. I should be dancing in the streets from the joy and privilege of being His beloved bride.

And if I am able to celebrate His love for me, then I will be free to love. Perfectly.

Even if I am called to choices in the future that I deem difficult, I know that I am not alone and He will be my source of joy and comfort on the journey.

Nothing could be more perfect than that.

Interior superior

I was asked by N if I thought it was fine for her to befriend a married man whom she had gotten to know recently. I said no because from what she told me, he was attracted to her. Verboten.

N countered that all she wanted was someone to talk to for she had no friends and it wasn't romance she was after and maybe he was just a really nice guy who was not interested in her so wouldn't it be okay to be friends?

My only response to that was I wouldn't do it if I were you but it is your life and you must choose what you feel is best for you for what else can I say in the face of such determined rationalization?

N is lonely, I get it for I get lonely too, but I also know that the pain of walking away from something so appealing is definitely less catastrophic in the long run and will bring me inner peace, self-empowerment and even happiness.

Nothing is headier and  more ego-boosting then meeting a decent-looking, seemingly nice bloke who is into you and goes out of his way to be sweet to you.

Nothing is more desirable when one is single and could do with some attentive TLC but some relationships are just not meant to be and if we listened to our inner voice of reason we know that to be true.

Loneliness does not excuse foolishness or foolhardiness.

What's even worse if we first step down the slippery slope of compromise, we will skitter off the road of truth until we tumble into confusion and lose our way completely.

So what's a girl to do if her heart yearns for love? Stay close to the source. Go mystic. Get an interior life.

It is that simple. Truths often are simple, it's just that as human beings, we tend to complicate our lives when we are lured by the bright lights of temptation.

If you google interior life, Wikipedia will tell you it's a life that seeks God in everything; you have a prayer life that is transformational because it is personal.

Getting to know Jesus up close and personal has truly been the most life-changing relationship in my life for it has allowed me to seek the way that has led to truth and life.

Of course once I discovered the truth, I had to live it out in order to internalize it. Jesus was my guide but He also gave me freedom of choice every step of the journey for He knew that the call to follow Him is not an easy one.

It has involved unpleasant decisions at times, sacrifice and even loss. Purging my life of lies and deception meant following the rules, many I resented and did not understand but hoped that would somehow lead me further to the truth.

When things got tough, I would pray WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) and the Spirit would lead me to God-inspired action.

As I entered the state of purification which unfortunately is not a one-off deal but one which requires constant effort, I developed the spiritual muscle of virtue. I gained wisdom, hope, love, courage, humility and a faith that sought understanding and achieved it.

From the purgative to the illuminative, it was like coming out of a squall to calm seas. As I lived truth more and more in my life, I could feel the goodness of Trinitarian love resonating in my veins and it felt wonderful for I began to struggle less and less as I began to become unconsciously competent at being a sexually honest woman.

Blessed John Paul II wrote Values are lights that illuminate our existence and, as we work on our lives, they shine ever more brightly on the horizon.* The values-turned-virtues I had gained helped light my way and continue to do so.

I was, and am, finally privy to the secrets of freedom and happiness for from the purgative and illuminative ways, I entered the unitive way, "when the soul experiences a special union with God"*.

The more I find God in everything and learn "to commune with him in and through all things"*, the more I experience the "depth and breadth and height"** of the love He has for me and the more He is revealed to me as "Father, Redeemer, and Spouse"*.

When I am lonely, hurt, upset or fearful, I know all I need do is to go inside and turn to Him. He will blow gently a loving and healing breath on my badly scraped knee and make it all better. Every time.

He is my man for all seasons for no other man compares to Him.

* From John Paul II's book Memory and Identity, quoted in the Prologue of Christopher West's Heaven's Song

** Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet 43 How do I Love Thee

Celibacy conundrum

At last Friday's meeting, we talked about celibacy. The word celibacy tends to connote a sense of unwelcome austerity and impossibility.

Unwelcome austerity for the state of celibacy is defined as abstinence from sexual activity and is usually considered a joyless act of will to consciously refrain from doing something pleasurable.

Impossible because it is seen as something so unnatural that going against our human nature will cause us to explode. Well, maybe not explode, but certainly celibacy is not something viewed as easily attainable or remotely desirable.

Plus celibacy is often relegated to religious and priests, people of a higher moral order, not ordinary folk. It's just not doable or practical for us common people.

Guess what, JPII regards celibacy as the vocation of every man or woman who is single.

Even married folk don't get a free pass for if they wish to honour the language of their bodies, they would practise Natural Family Planning which asks for sexual abstinence during the fertile periods of a woman's cycle if the couple were not ready for children.

My immediate reaction to the Pope's statement is a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Quite the same reaction of some of the women in the group until we looked at it differently, as sexual purity and honesty.

If we agree that the language of the body is spousal, that is, the act of love is a profound act of total self-giving as an expression of committed and faithful love, then we would be true to our bodies if we refrain from having sex unless we were married.

If we also agree that lust is impersonal sexual desire, that is, a desire to use another person as an object (not recognizing the innate dignity of that person) or a means to an end (say sexual gratification), then we recognize that sexual lust is always unethical.

Even as a group of women of different ages, from diverse backgrounds and states of life, we all concurred we desired purity of heart. Unified as we are by our love for Jesus, we recognize that to be in living, ever-deepening and intimate relationship with Jesus is paramount to each of us.

The spousal meaning of the body is the call to love in a life-giving manner and this does not contradict celibacy but gives it a richer meaning.

All of us in W2W are beginning to experience a glimmer of understanding of this as we progress on our TOB journey.

Because we are first called to be in communion with God, we can express this desire in manifold ways: spending time alone with Him in prayer as Jesus did, receiving the transubstantiated host on our tongues and in our hearts, loving others by being a gift and leading others to Truth by living truth in every action.

Whether married or single, a personal relationship with God leads us to living out our sexuality fully with honesty, fidelity and purity. This does require chastity, even from those of us who are married for marriage is not an excuse to indulge in lust.

But it is not all grimaced stoicism or as impossible as pigs flying. It is only impossible because we fear sexual purity may sometimes keep us away from love or opportunities to receive love and to experience pleasure.

When we don't trust God enough to wait for love (like Adam and Eve) and we grasp for love out of loneliness or fear, that is when we lose the plot and make decisions that steer us away from being our true selves and from God. We allow our sexual desires to degrade into lust.

Celibacy does not mean we are not having fun. Far from it. Some of the most joyful and fun-loving people I know are those who truly claim celibacy as their vocation. They are fulfilled as people because they live rich interior lives and in turn are able to love others with delightful purity.

They have already experienced in part the joy reserved for heaven when we are in complete union with the Trinity and have opted to live out the vocation of celibacy for the Kingdom here today.

For the spousal meaning of the body is an invitation to be like the bride and bridegroom in the Song of Songs, who are in a state of holy inebriation where the "words, movements and gestures of the spouses, their whole behaviour, correspond to the inner movement of their hearts" which is a "pure flame of love".*

If we take up the invitation to offer our sexual desires (which are fully kosher and ethical) to God to direct, we can get drunk from drinking God's wine, the inner "truth and strength of love", so that "sexual desire passes over from lust to an immeasurable love" and this is how we can experience a "real and deep victory" over the distortion of lust.*

The opportunity to savour God's "new wine" (just like the Cana wedding miracle) is ours because "Christ came to restore creation to the purity of its origins (CCC, 1733). Fear is dispelled in the light of this pure love.

JP II says, "The Eucharist is a school of freedom and charity in order to fulfil the commandment to love" for the Eucharist "frees us from attachment in order to open ourselves to others".**

This is the gift of love from Christ, who loved us with a love that is:

FREE             He chose to give us His body and blood by dying for us.
TOTAL          He gives us His body, blood, soul and divinity every Sunday in the sacrament of
                       the Eucharist.
FAITHFUL    He is with us day and night, 24X7.
FRUITFUL    We all have eternal life.**

We can now experience the redemption of this immeasurable love in the gift of Christ's body and love immeasurably ourselves.

When ethics transforms into ethos, the difficult becomes easy. Bleak reality becomes joyously divine.

Celibacy is something prized and not looked upon with distaste and suspicion.

And so a slice of the Kingdom of Heaven has made its way onto earth.

Something we at W2W are discovering every day when we offer up our love and fidelity to Christ.


* From Christopher West's Heaven's Song, a great book on how JPII uses Song of Songs to expound on marital love.

** From chapter seven of the DVD, Theology of the Body For Teens

Lust violation

I had a nightmare just before waking up this morning. In my dream I was screaming at a man, someone I know, out of frustration and hate. I woke up asking myself why I felt so strongly about him?

In Matthew 5:28, Jesus says, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

This is the crux of my response to this man for when he looks at me (in real life), his gaze wanders to rest at a spot lower than my throat. Whenever I notice this, I feel violated. I am not a body part! The gaze is inappropriate and causes a rise of negative emotions in me and makes me want to throw up.

There is nothing right or good about lust be it a furtive look or indulging openly in pornography.

And guys, we can tell when you look at a woman with appreciative disinterest or with lustful intent - in a glance. So please, please, look at every woman as you would look at your mother, your sister or your daughter, with deep respect, for she is someone's mother, sister and daughter and deserves better.  

As women, what can we do? Do we go around dressed in concealing bourkhas? Is that the solution? While we can never go back to JPII's original nakedness where we can be "naked without shame", we can dress with modesty and common sense.

There is nothing wrong with a woman who takes pains to look attractive or cultivate a charming personality for beauty is a feminine birthright.

But with that birthright comes a responsibility, to teach those around us, especially men, to treat us with respect.

This comes not only from the way we carry ourselves, but from the way we respect ourselves and our bodies in our choice of dress and behaviour.

Although we cannot never completely eradicate lust from our lives, we can make a stand against it by rejecting it in our lives, and teaching others to do the same.

Commitment issues

I just attended the wedding of a friend of mine V and his lovely wife M this morning and I thought the pastor gave a great homily on what a marriage must have in order to be successful.

It was a take on the original 5Cs, a cynical jab at Singaporeans' materialistic life aspirations: cash, car, condominium, credit card and country club membership. The pastor's 5Cs were:

Covenant
Christ
Communication
Compassion
Commitment

He introduced the last C, commitment, by saying that without commitment, marriage would not work even if it had the first four Cs and ended his homily by saying a successful marriage did not depend on finding the right partner but by being the right partner for the other.

Commitment is key for there will be days in any relationship when you grate on each other's nerves or even think maybe it's best you call it quits.

It will be commitment that will help a couple ride out the storms of their relationship when love is not enough. Or, for that matter, any situation that hits a setback, be it studies or career.

Father David calls the family the school of humanity for it is in our families that we first learn how to be a person. To learn about and acquire virtues like patience, forgiveness, compassion, fidelity, kindness, generosity... all the things that make us good - a person.

Families are forever, that is, we cannot disown our family members for our relationships will always remain historical fact.

My father used to tell us (me and my siblings) that we must always love each other for the four of us are manifestations of the love between him and my mother and that we all share a special and unique bond that must be honoured.

Family to Dad meant everything. Family meant accepting each other for who we are and loving each other through our differences with fierce, unwavering loyalty and unending generosity. Family disunity is not an option for love is everything, family is everything.

The building blocks of every family begin with a couple, a man and a woman who live out their wedding vows by promising to be together, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish...until death do they part.

With divorce rates at a ridiculous 50 per cent and the sharp decline of formalized marriages, there
seems to be a crisis of commitment.

John Paul II rightly concluded that At the root of these negative phenomena there frequently lies a corruption of the idea and the experience of freedom...*

When we see freedom (and happiness) as represented by more choices in life, rather than the ability to conquer life's "limitations" and adversities, then we will give up when the going is tough, never even giving the situation a fighting chance to transform, to find a new equilibrium and eventual happiness.

My friend J who lives in Canada tells me she feels like an anomaly for her marriage is her first and her husband's second. Among his friends their marriage is unusual for most of them are on their third, or fourth...

If couples don't stay married and try to work out their differences, what makes them think their next marriage will succeed when all they are good at is wimping out?

If couples don't honour their relationships with fidelity (all in the name of "sexual freedom") and the sincere gift of love, then how can any relationship they are in work?

Commitment is not easy. But then, when is anything worth having in life easy?

Our achievements are all the more valued because we worked hard to get them. The same goes for relationships, especially marriage.

So V and M, keep your eye on the pastor's 5Cs and you will be committed for life with a love in TOB-speak that is free, total, faithful and fruitful.

* Familiaris Consortio, 6

The still point

Just this week I encountered two references to a line from T.S. Eliot's Burnt Norton*: "At the still point of the turning world" and it got me thinking.

It was Father John Paul who first brought it up during our day of recollection Sunday past, in response to a question from the group if we began each meeting by breaking the Word, would that not drag on our church meetings even more interminably?

He reminded us that we (the group) were all here because of God. If we never lost sight of that every time we met, and we invited Jesus into the homes of our hearts before we began a meeting on practicalities and logistics, then things would move along smoothly and quickly. Thus we need to come to the still point in order to move forward at an inspired pace.

The second reference came from a source book in a section on symbols, namely mandalas. Mandala is a Sanskrit word which means circle and represents wholeness and organic oneness. In Christian symbolism the Eucharist can be seen as a mandala with Christ as the source of life.

Labyrinths are a form of mandalas.

Both references are a reminder that the still point is to come back to the source and centre of our beings by stepping outside of our time to be with God.

Ancient Greeks had two words for time: chronos which refers to chronological time, and kairos which refers to the right, opportune or supreme moment where something special happens. The something special Christians see as "the appointed time in the purpose of God".

I see the still point as a kairos opportunity, an opportunity to have a moment of grace, of greatness in the context of a normal day.

And I am reminded of the value of the still point...

...to hear the music and go to where "the dance is".

* http://www.tristan.icom43.net/quartets/norton.html 

Sexually honest

Father David said something recently that I found really profound: moral truths are something we discover and not something that we learn or decide.

Conversely, I have found that in deciding to live out moral truths, even ones I grapple with at times, I have discovered a lot about these truths (how true they really are) in the process.

When what is learnt in the classroom* and what is actively applied in life dovetail, it makes for heady validation and feels super-good.

We've been talking about sex, always a fascinating subject.

In the movie Vanilla Sky, Julie says, "Don't you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not!"

Whether we realize it or not, our bodies have a natural language (like how the blind do not need to be taught to smile) and one that cannot be separate from our beings, i.e. there is an integrated unity of both mind and body.

Just as we allow only a trusted few into the intimacy of our lives, revealing our inner selves and vulnerabilities to these people whom we love and love us in return, our bodies speak the same intimate language with our genitals.

The promise Julie is talking about when two people engage in sexual intercourse is one of deep intimacy that comes from a committed, lasting, faithful, nurturing, giving and loving relationship.

For the sexual language speaks our most intimate and personal communication and our bodies must never be used as an object to other ends (like pleasure) as this violates the intimate language of the body.

You may think casual sex is fine especially if it makes you happy and doesn't harm anyone, but you would be violating this sexual language of the body for there is nothing remotely casual about sex.

Because sexual gratification is so intensely pleasurable, sexual honesty, which comes from understanding the sexual language of the body and honouring it, is tough. Sexual abstinence in the absence of marriage is a hard truth to swallow.

Not many of us want to recognize or accept that the sexual language of the body is personal to the point of being spousal as it communicates this intimate message:

I accept the "deep total you" unconditionally and I give you my "deep total me" unconditionally.

The current culture of sexual freedom has ironically led us to believe that chastity or the absence of sexual activity in one's life is undesirable, even abnormal, and that sexual gratification can only be achieved by genital gratification.

However, sexual gratification is so much more than genital gratification if we allow ourselves to live beyond the "o" word. Instead, most of us whittle down our chances to be sexually satisfied by ascribing to such a narrow definition of sexual gratification.

Orgasms, while wonderful, are not the be all and end all of sexual gratification. Every man or woman who lives out his or her sexuality fully by being who they are meant to be and doing what they are meant to do are sexually vibrant and happy individuals.

And while I don't profess to have experienced ecstasy in the way mystics like Saint Teresa of Avila did, the sense of deep union with God in meditative prayer elicits such visceral pleasure that it is even better than sex for the deep glow of joy and inner peace it brings lasts way beyond the ever-too-brief orgasm.

But popular culture would have us believe otherwise. Every day we are inundated with messages such as if you are not having sex regularly, you MUST BE sexually starved and not living life to the fullest or exercising your right to happiness, poor you.

To be single is a curse for you are doomed to a lonely existence. You can't possibly be happy single...and celibate (even worse!). Total loser.

Yes, we all need love, we all want to be loved, but the lengths some of us go to to get "love" is counter to the nature of love, especially when we mix up love and lust. It can get muddy, messy and is not exactly morally or spiritually uplifting.

A one-night stand or casual sex is not love. Paid sex is not love. Adultery can never be love. These are all poor facsimiles of love we grab at in our quest for authentic love and happiness that so quickly degrades into a self-indulgent, selfish hunt to satisfy lust or impersonal, sexual desire.

Consuming pornography, masturbation and sexual crimes are the twisted offspring of such attempts at love for there is nothing personal or giving about these acts. They are mainly destructive (even harmless masturbation for it restricts true freedom and self-possession) and are often addictive.

A quick sweep through the newspapers yields just too many stories of lust gone wrong: destroyed families, careers down the toilet, crimes of passion, suicides and even murder.

Perhaps it's time for the discipline of sexual honesty?

It may not be easy, faced as we are with temptation at every turn, but it is worth it. Hugely gratifying even.

But don't take my word for it, discover for yourself why being sexually honest can be a really good thing personally.

* I am attending a year-long course on moral theology by Fr. David Garcia called Personal Compass, Navigating Your Way Through Moral Ambiguity that is absolutely brilliant. Check it out:   http://catholicspi.org/downloads/PCcourseguide.pdf