Luncheon challenge

One of my worst nightmares is to be put into a roomful of strangers who know each other well and I found myself in exactly that situation last weekend, with the exception of my good friend who had invited me to lunch.

I was extremely uncomfortable and knew I would be but went anyway because I love M. and wanted to celebrate with her (plus I had not seen her in a while). I also have a masochistic streak in me and like to challenge myself.

I came home with a tension headache.

So this made me ask myself why I had such an adverse reaction? Why was I so stressed out? There were a number of reasons:

*  I am an introvert who enjoys being alone; never bored with my own company.

*  I hate small talk for I find it meaningless and therefore am quite bad at it.
*  I was painfully shy as a teenager because I had low self-esteem and I have never really outgrown the awkward, gauche girl I was.

Yup, I am socially inept although I have learnt how to get by most times. Although last Sunday was not one of those times and I felt I was failing miserably, hence the headache ("Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go and eat worms...").

It is quite disgruntling to note that I can still be a prisoner of my teenaged angst-filled years where I felt like an unloved, weird misfit.

And yet, I know that this is who I am and I am still learning to embrace my own unique shortcomings and weaknesses.

We are bombarded daily with messages of  how we should look (slim, youthful and sexy) and what will make us happy (more designer stuff, living the high life with an adoring good-looking, rich partner, etc.) and it's so easy to fall into the trap of self-loathing for how many of us actually attain the celebrated ideals?

And if we do, can we hold on to them or do they turn out to be illusory and too transient for lasting happiness?

This is where I feel blessed to be grounded and centred on Christ. One of my greatest esteem-boosters has been my affirming relationship with Jesus for through Him, I know what's important  in my life.

As Saint Paul said to the Colossians: "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."

With Christ, I know I am loved for who I am exactly where I am, without having to lift a finger to prove anything. He also points me in the right direction and best of all, I don't have to be perfect to attain my goals.

The journey is definitely more significant than the destination and if I maintain the right disposition and attitude in life, pointing towards Christ always, I will be near perfect in my bumbling, surly social persona. And even when I fall.

So when I do fall short of my own expectations, I remind myself it's okay, I am still loved, and not to get into a self-hate downward spiral about it.

At the same time I recognize that there is always room for improvement. As my aunt L. was fond of saying: Be content with what you have, but not with what you are.

Maybe the next lunch with strangers will be easier. I will be "better". Let's hope so for I am going for two separate luncheons today to celebrate Eid with friends.

Update 5:30pm: I enjoyed myself at both places - the food and conversation with strangers were equally good. Yay!