Call to holiness

Why is holiness or sanctity seen as the purview of religious leaders, priests, monks and nuns? As A. reminded us last Friday, we are ALL called to holiness.

Most people confuse holiness with religiosity and perceive holiness as living according to a strict or extreme moral religious code. Not for regular human beings, and certainly not fun, or fun to be around.

Nothing could be further from the truth. We are all created with a spark of the divine in each of us and Jesus is constantly calling us to connect with Him, whether it be communion through prayer or by calling forth an innate impulse of love and expressing it in the world.

Humans are fundamentally good with the need for truth and beauty engineered into our DNA.

As children we each have a sense of God, a natural sense of the sacred, of awe and wonder, which unfortunately diminishes as we get older.

Part of the reason is due to familiarity - remember the first time you saw a rainbow and measure the levels of awe and excitement you felt that first time with the last time you saw a rainbow (or maybe you didn't even see the rainbow in the sky for you were too busy looking at the road or your iPhone screen).

Part of it is the relentless human need to search for answers and explain away the natural world with science and technology, thereby demystifying the magic of the Creator's artistry.
 
Mostly it is due to a broken and distorted view of the world that comes from human experiences tainted with anger, hate, injustice, prejudice and lies.

A lost sense of the sacred, of what is holy in life, is replaced by fear, cynicism, despair and superstitious beliefs. Also by the pursuit of worldly pleasures that offer an all too fleeting and superficial satiation, leading to addictive/compulsive behaviour.

When I had a very limited and distorted vision of self and God, I believed in a distant, unloving God who punished wrongdoers and I felt I was beyond redemption, riddled with sin and doomed always to failure.

It was only with restored self-worth and a more incisive view of the Trinity that I was able to revive my sense of sacred. To find God in all things and see His hand in my life has given me a renewed sense of wonder.

Like a child I find life fascinating again: There are new discoveries every day. Miracles to behold. Much to be grateful for, to laugh over, every day.

This incites me to want to know more and more about Him, to spend time with Him and get to know Him better, and ultimately, to want to be more like Him.

This is the call to holiness.

Not to be some prudish, sour, Goody Two-Shoes who follows the rules out of fear, but to be someone who recognizes and acknowledges this embedded desire for holiness, for God, and seeks Him out actively.

It's an awesome experience so do say yes.

Loving rules

I love rules! I like how they serve as a guide and a reminder, and how they simplify life and even serve to protect me.

Like how traffic rules minimize road accidents and fatalities; laws promote order, peace and personal safety; and church rules uphold the inviolable dignity of the individual from conception until natural death and champion social justice.   

Sometimes there may be rules I do not understand, but I still defer to the wisdom of those who have elucidated, endorsed or upheld the rules and comply.

However, I continue to question and seek for answers in order to comprehend the spirit behind the rules for I think that following rules blindly is dangerous; like a car wreck just waiting to happen.

Therefore I have a responsibility to cultivate a "faith-seeking understanding" to illuminate my way and bring unity in my relationship with my Creator.

Although the moral teaching of the Church seems rigid and irrelevant at first read, especially in light of casual and capriciously frangible relationships that seem to be the norm, in taking the trouble to understand how each teaching came into existence and why, has allowed me to experience a reality of Catholicism that points me towards a meaningful, joyful and fulfilling existence.

The decision not to be a Buffet or Cafeteria Catholic, one who picks and chooses aspects of the faith to follow, left me with just one option: to embrace my faith fully.

To trust that the members of the Magisterium, the teaching authority of the Church, are as divine inspired as the men who wrote and transcribed all the books in the Bible. And at the same time, to try to make sense of the rules and make them mine. 

Given the tensions of adhering to a code that is at odds with a sexually liberal, relativistic world, it is not a popular option, but the more I stick to it, the more my faith has been repaid, with deeper insight and understanding. Even if it sometimes takes years. 

Obedience is a word most adults associate with children and one which they think they outgrow when a state of independence is attained, forgetting that obedience is a virtue that leads to inner freedom. This is the Christian paradox - and one that I have tested in recent years and found worthy of notice.

Children obey their loving parents out of love for they know their parents have only their best interests at heart. So do I trust in God's love for me (I KNOW He loves me very much) or do I, like Eve, believe the suggestion of the serpent who insinuates that my Father and His love for me are not to be trusted? 

If I love and trust Him, do I love and trust Him in all things, all the time? Does my behaviour reflect my beliefs and attitudes consistently?

My fickleness and forgetfulness let me down at times, so I am glad God never gives up on me.

And when I find rules tedious and unrewarding, I remind myself that at the very crux of every one of my Father's rules is love: an invitation to a culture of life that is rich beyond imagination, a benediction of my unique and inviolable dignity as woman, and an ode to the miracle and glory of creation.

Hortus Inclusus (The Interior Garden by John & Michael Cullen)

Good life

When someone passes away at a ripe old age, people usually say, he/she led a good and fulfilling life, especially if they were financially comfortable and enjoyed the finer things in life.

Auntie F., my Mum's cousin, who passed away last Saturday did live a good life in that respect, but more than that, she was a kind, thoughtful and generous woman who touched the lives of many people.

It is not uncommon to judge how well a person lived by a person's accomplishments, status in life, financial success or the number of places that person visited. I'd like to think a good life is measured by more than just these standards.

Certainly how much pleasure one derives from life is a gauge, but that need not come from material things. A simple life can afford as much pleasure.

I just have to look at my mother as an example of someone who enjoys the ordinariness of her life with quiet relish whether she is pottering around her balcony garden, attending a church sing-along or reading the newspaper back to back.

How joyful one is in life, regardless of circumstance is, to my mind, a better measurement of what constitutes a good life.

This inextinguishable joie de vivre is what my mother and her cousins, Auntie F. included, share and I am blessed to be able to bask in the conviviality of their meetings occasionally to take notes and learn.

More important than how much pleasure one receives is how much pleasure does one give in life? Do we feed the hungry, welcome the stranger, clothe the naked, visit the sick and those in prison?*

I can't say I knew Auntie F. very well but what little I knew of her, I could see that she was someone who had the gift of hospitality and she put it to good use at every opportunity. She was sensitive to people's needs and acted accordingly to provide generously with no thought of return.

God bless you Auntie F. and may you dwell among the upright in eternal life.

As for me, I hope to emulate her joyfulness, kindness and gift of hospitality, and to live a good life every day.

*See parable of the sheep and the goats in Matthew 35:31-46

Need to pray

Last Friday my Woman to Woman Ministry gathered to explore different forms of prayer and the topic this meeting was spiritual journalling and why it is so important if we are intent on deepening our faith walk (we have already covered praise & worship, lectio divina and Ignatian contemplation).

I view journalling as my opportunity to compose spiritual snapshots that I can go back and review, re-living my experiences in a deep and insightful way for they tell me where I have been on my journey, whether consolation, desolation or revelation, and where I might be heading.

God's timing is impeccable for in deciding what passage of Scripture to meditate on for Friday, I chose today's gospel from Luke 18:1-8 where Jesus relates the parable of the persistent widow to teach us of the "need to pray continually and never lose heart".

I have lost heart recently and as Fr. Ron Rolheiser pointed out in his October 10th column, Maturity in Relationships and Prayer*, prayer is "easy only for beginners and for those who are already saints".

For the rest of us who have been journeying for a while now, we are like people in a mature relationship, where the initial blush of love has worn off and disillusionment sets in.

But here is where we must remain faithful to our commitments, our practices and rituals of life and "show up" especially when we don't feel like it.

Here is where prayer truly is an act of faith.

Here is where we must make the choice: to continue believing and praying like the widow (who had three strikes against her being a woman who didn't have rights, a widow who had no advocate to fight for her legal rights and an unjust judge who refused to give her "her just rights") or to let life and people disillusion us to the point where we begin to walk away from God.

The advice given by a Jesuit priest to Fr. Rolheiser's friend was simple and effective: "Just do it! Show up and sit in silent prayer for half an hour a day, even if you feel like you are talking to a wall. It's the only practical advice I can give you."

Just as the widow was persistent, so too was Moses, with the help of Aaron and Hur, in assisting Joshua in his battle against the Amalekites through the powerful prayer of holding the staff of God with upraised arms (Exodus 18:8-13).

I have never been more glad that I have my W2W Ministry, to journey with me, to be my Moses, Aaron or Hur, for keeping faith has been a real battle at times and my sisters keep me from losing too much heart or abandoning the fight altogether.

The Holy Spirit's graces are never far from us, especially if we keep to what we "have been taught and know to be true" by actively witnessing to God's Word (2 Timothy 3:14).

In brief: "Put your hope in God and prayer" (Psalm 42).

* http://www.ronrolheiser.com/

Relationship rich

While at dinner last night, M. announced that Kwa Geok Choo aka Mrs. Lee Kuan Yew passed away in the late afternoon.

Since then there has been much reported about the late Mrs. Lee whom I will always remember as the silent figure, dressed simply in a classic cheong sam, by her husband's side.

By all accounts, she was a brilliant woman who carved out a successful career, while being a devoted wife of a politician, loving mother of three and nurturing grandmother of seven.

Theirs was a love story which spanned over 70 years, commencing in their teens, and like the wife in Proverbs 31, Mrs. Lee was an able and willing help meet, sticking by her husband's side through the turbulent years of nation-building, with no need for public approbation or accolades.

"...She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain."

Marriages like what MM and his wife had are an increasingly rare commodity  for couples nowadays are not as willing to sacrifice as much for their spouse and children. And having made the countless sacrifices, merely looked upon them as a fulfillment of marital vows, nothing more, nothing less. For love does not count the costs of love.

I salute the quiet strength of Mrs. Lee and my heart goes out to MM and his family for their grievous loss. Even though she was not fully present in the last two years due to the effects of stroke, I am sure the heart and soul of MM's family departed when Mrs. Lee drew her last breath.

As a woman, I am keenly aware of the responsibility I wield in all my relationships and while I may never match up to the accomplishments of Mrs. Lee, I am encouraged to realize my unique potential in everything I do. 

This means knowing where my destination lies and not letting myself get sidetracked. Having the perseverance to keep going the distance and the humility to acknowledge milestones and accomplishments without placing much premium on them.

To always ask this question of life when I pray: what does it mean for my head, heart and hands, knowing full well that I am called to know, to love and to serve God through others.

Life has no meaning if love is not present and as it is stated in Gaudium et Spes: Man cannot fully find himself "except through a sincere gift of himself".

Mrs. Lee was a woman who understood this and lived out most generously the gift of self in her relationships.

Rest in peace, Mrs. Lee, and may you continue to inspire Asian women to be women of courage, selflessness and great love.

A good man

Today I attended the funeral service of my friend's husband G. who went home to the Lord two days ago.

I knew him in a limited way but even in that narrow window of time and manner, it was apparent that he was a man of good humour and someone who had accomplished much in his life because he loved much.

Hearing the eulogies of people who knew him in various capacities, it was clear G. was a man well respected and thought of with great affection.

Rudyard Kipling's poem If* was a favourite of his and his brother quoted selected excerpts of this poem that G. loved:

     "If you can meet with triumph and disaster
     And treat those two imposters just the same;"
     "If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
     Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;" 
     "Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
     And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!"

It would seem that G. strove to be the man described by Kipling and was a man who desired to be good above all.

I read somewhere that in the past, people aspired to be good, but today, people aspire to be happy.

It's ironic that despite today's almost manic search for happiness (especially when the perceived key to happiness rests on a special someone), there are more love-hungry and unhappy people around for they forsake responsibility, commitment and compassion in order to find  their bliss, not realizing that happiness lies in being unselfish and giving.

True loving is not motivated by any gain or fear and is, in its very act, its own reward, yielding its own quiet felicity.

People like G. and his wife A. (who has been a generous and loving friend to me) inspire me with their innate goodness, generosity and courageous zest for life. I use the word courageous for A. and G. were a couple who never let adversity dampen their spirits. A. is still the face of stoic equanimity despite a difficult time with health, and now G.'s passing.

Life indeed is fleeting and I am reminded to fill "sixty seconds’ worth of distance run" in every "unforgiving minute".

Rest well G. May the fruit of your labour continue to multiply in the many lives you touched.

* http://www.everypoet.com/archive/poetry/Rudyard_Kipling/kipling_if.htm

Beyond skin deep

I thank God for the gift of JPII and for his magnum opus Theology of the Body.

I thank God for committed men and women who do their utmost to spread the late Pope's wisdom to the masses, breathing life into a message that is so relevant for today's teenager who lives in confusing times.

It was a privilege to listen to Brian Butler last Saturday and understand how Theology of the Body for Teens Discovering God's Plan for Love and Life, a book he co-authored, addresses the needs and wants of young people today in a captivating and ingenious manner.

TOB is all about sex, but it is not sex education. TOB celebrates basic truths about our sexuality, male and female, and offers guidelines to each of us on how to make the most of our lives rooted in our sexual identities as men and women.

It's a premise for finding love and happiness while upholding some of the moral teachings of the Catholic Church.

The teachings on chastity (no premarital sex and chastity within marriage) and contraception (other than natural family planning, contraceptives cannot to be used to prevent conception) are both hard pills to swallow.

Like many, I used to think that this was the Church's way of circumscribing freedom, most unreasonable and ridiculously archaic in the modern world, having not been taught the spirit behind the teachings.

Like many, I left the Church and went my own way for years because I could not reconcile myself to the moral teachings, having bought into the world's ideas on freedom, that is to only do what is pleasing, and not necessarily beneficial, to me, myself and I, not truly understanding the nature of love as a gift.

John Paul II's TOB offers a deeper understanding of the moral teachings on chastity, the sacrament of marriage and celibacy that is more than palatable for it seeks to "untwist" our egocentric ideas on love and encourages us celebrate the "spousal meaning" of our bodies.

In understanding what and who I was created for, where I come from and who I am, as a woman, an embodied soul, I am able to see the sense, beauty and goodness in the Church's moral teachings and embrace the teachings, even though that embrace is not an easy one all the time.

As they say, nothing good comes easy. But, it definitely is more rewarding.

What I mean by this is I used to be motivated out of fear and a legalistic understanding of sin, thus I used to feel oppressed by the weight of the laws/moral teachings.

I would constantly fail as my heart was not in keeping the law and I even told myself I would accept going to hell because of my sins, not realizing I was already experiencing hell as my life was devoid of God and His love and, I was unhappy.

When I first experienced Christ's unconditional, affirming and extremely tender love for me, I was awed and could not help but love Him back. Out of love for Him, I only wanted to please Him, to give back a measure of what I have received.

He is the lover of my dreams, much like the bridegroom in Song of Songs. "I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me."

In this living, spousal relationship with Jesus, my restless heart rests in Him"* and I am no longer held captive by the law for I seek to do what is good purely out of love. I am liberated and empowered by this love.

With the law written into my heart (Jer 31:33), I no longer feel burdened, even when temptation strikes for I stand firm in my identity as a woman who is loved greatly and I will not jeopardize that love for all the tea in China, India and Japan put together.

BB said something I really liked and I think applies to every relationship we have in life and not just BGRs:

If in a relationship, we do not desire what is good for the other, but can only desire what is good for us, then we may want to consider ending that relationship, even if marriage was on the cards. Using others for our own gratification is not love.

Love, life, there are no easy answers, but God sends us prophets every day to help us, while I am doubly blessed to have, as well, the wisdom of the Bible, Church Tradition (and Moral Teaching) and the Sacraments.

To anchor me safely in my skin and keep me pure of heart.  

* A reference from St. Augustine's Confessions:
http://www.catholicradiodramas.com/Saints_Works_Augustine/augustine_our_heart_is_restless_until_it_rests_in_you.htm

Without delay

On a recent episode of Criminal Minds, I heard a quote which is pertinent to my current state of mind.

It's by British historian C. Northcote Parkinson (who incidentally lived and worked in Singapore for a period of his life): Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

I have been reflecting about gifts lately; and how I use those given to me. Yes, I do exercise my gifts daily, but there are a few key instances in which they lie dormant for I haven't mustered the courage to act and therefore open myself to the possibility that my gifts will be rejected, or worse, disdained.

My fears and my pride hold me back. Fear of falling, failing, being laughed at or dismissed.

I am unable to advance out of the comfort zone of my fears, despite knowing what I must do. I find myself going in circles although I can see where I should be walking.

Intellectually I know that fear will always be present, but if I am committed to saying yes to Him in all things, then there can be no room for a fear-induced paralysis.

And yet, I am at a psycho-spiritual impasse. Part of the problem stems from my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, and my brokenness. The tedium of having to work through these long identified issues that are the bêtes noires of my existence fills me with ennui. Fortitude has never been my strong suit.

The other struggle I have is with my own physical limitations as I age and how I should nurture the gift of my body such that I will have sufficient energy and health to carry me through the course that I wish to chart in my remaining years. My recent surgery has really brought home to me that I must take better care of my body if I wish to be His hands and feet in this world.

It was only the realization that I am in denial, courtesy of the Parkinson quote, that I have trying, with renewed effort, to focus on doing the "right" things without further delay, of which prayer and an attention to physical well-being are huge components.

(I desperately do not want to wander in the desert of denial any more.)

As John Paul II exhorted 10 years ago: Duc in altum! Put out into the deep!

If I want deep returns in my spiritual growth, then I must cast out into deep waters, regardless of fears.

A chance remark to B., advice on what she needs to do, and I have put into motion a plan to do something I have been desiring but put off invariably for some time. My first silent retreat. Whether or not B. can join me, I am resolved to go.

I have begun to prepare my mind and heart for this special first time experience and am looking forward to mid-October with great eagerness.

Time has become an even more precious commodity as I reside firmly in mid-life. I am in a season of physical degeneration, where memory has begun to fail, eye-sight has worsened and muscles ache more. My energy level and metabolic rate are not what they were so I must prioritize wisely and make every second count for more.

The only way I can do that is to expand it in the stillness of contemplation and conflate it in Divine-led action. And, no more delays, as far as possible.

Living the question

I've just had the most fulfilling weekend attending the City District Vocation Retreat led by Fr. Ignatius Huan. I signed up for the retreat more for Fr. Ignatius, for he is such an excellent teacher/preacher that I knew I would learn something even if he recited the phone book.

The topic was an introduction to Ignatian spirituality and while I have read books and attended previous talks on St. Ignatius and his spiritual exercises, there was more to learn and many new insights (on a very personal level) given to me.

I was also reminded of God's wicked sense of humour and prescient timing  for He knows exactly how to get me. I suppose I should be grateful that He still talks to me and I can hear Him.

Oh yeah, the retreat theme was: "Speak Lord, your servant is listening,", doubly ironic for lately I have been more like the feckless Israelites than Samuel.

Anyway it got interesting when we were discussing desolation. St. Ignatius stated that desolation is never from God although He does permit it to happen, using it as a means of purification and drawing the suffering person closer to Him. It can also serve as a reminder to us that genuine consolation is pure gift.

The Ignatian definition of desolation goes beyond the affective state and relates more to "a diminution of faith, of hope, of love"* that draws us towards opting for mediocrity in our lives, giving into distractions where our souls become "wholly slothful".

One of his guiding principles is to never make a change (that is go back on a decision made in a time of consolation) in the midst of desolation but to stay the course, be firm and resolute.

When tragedy strikes and grief take over, a natural reaction is to look for answers or solutions. Not an unreasonable response. But what if there are no easy answers or solutions? What then?

Here is where the Ignatian principle above holds as well. Instead of fixating on unearthing an answer or becoming disillusioned or bitter, Fr. Ignatius proposes that we, as people of faith, endeavour to live the question.

Stay the course of true faith. Pray for the grace and gift of a persevering faith to buoy us over the raging waters of grief and inner chaos.

Ask for the consolation of a grateful heart, to be able to accept, in a conscious manner, what has happened and to actively work on finding one's way through the minefield of desolation without constantly clamouring for answers.

In What is the Point of Being Christian, Timothy Radcliffe notes that waiting is very much a part of being Christian for God is not a "powerful, celestial superman" who comes charging in to rescue us, but "God comes from within, inside our deepest interiority".

This is something that takes time, and much contemplation. So we are called to have courage, a courage that is all about endurance. As Aquinas believed "patience consists in not letting adversity crush one's joy".

It was affirming for me to discover that I have been living the question these last seven years, the question of my vocation that I discerned then, which was marriage and motherhood all along.

I initially kept asking the when, how, why, who and what does He mean by this plan for me?

With no clear, immediate answers, I could only live out my questions by trusting and believing in His will for me, and waiting on Him to unfold His plan; allowing the mystery of His very gradual revelation to bind me closer to Him.

This has not been a passive waiting for the apple to drop from the tree, but cultivating a discipline of patience and perseverance as I grow in faith.

Saying yes to love (giving and receiving) and communion.

Attempting to bear good fruit by living a life that glorifies God and sanctifies the people around me.

After seven years, I have stopped demanding for answers for living my questions have enabled me to mostly arrive at a state of "indifference" which in Ignatian speak means that I have no preference for either outcome: marriage or singlehood. Never thought I'd be this happy to be indifferent.

In the Whiteheads' book  Seasons of Strength: New Visions of Adult Christian Maturing, they define a Christian vocation as "a gradual revelation of me to myself by God" and that it is "our own religious identity, it is who we are, trying to happen".

In good times and bad, in desolation or consolation, one thing never changes, I am called to be me, a me who has been called by name.

And in choosing to respond, there is only one way to walk: one step at a time, taking my lead from God.

It is, after all, a question of living out my faith.

* http://www.isecp.org/chapt_10.html

Congee love

It's been a busy Sunday. I made Dad's (it was originally my grandmother who created it and passed down to my father) special rice porridge or congee which involves lots of prep work as a minimum of eight ingredients go into it.

I outdid myself by making it 10, and even made the chicken stock from scratch the night before in order to make the congee more flavourful.

The extra effort was worth it and I think my creative twists could be a start to a new, improved version.

Today's lunch brought back memories of Sunday lunches past, when my grandparents were still alive and my aunts, uncles and cousins would converge for lunch at our house. Dad would make bowl after bowl of congee, catering to each person's individual taste. 

As I washed, cut, boiled, sliced and sauteed endlessly, I gained a newfound respect for my father's previous efforts and a deep appreciation for his not inconsiderable labours of love.

It's one of those perennial lines that parents throw their children in frustration when the child displays an immature, narcissistic selfishness: "Wait until you become a parent then you will realize how selfish you were!"

I used to wonder when my father said it if indeed I was, as he accused, selfish, for I could not quite see it. As an adult, I can admit that there was truth in what he pronounced many moons ago.

Until we engage in acts of service for our loved ones, we can never fully appreciate the sacrifice that these acts of love involve when we are on the receiving end.
 
And that is why family traditions (especially those born out of love) should be passed down, generation after generation, so we know where we come from and how we can become active participants in perpetuating the chain of love, honouring the past in small gestures loaded with a wealth of meaning.

As we have received, so we in turn give back. As we have been loved, so we in turn do love.

There is something mystical about family traditions, especially the ones involving food. For cooking is not only the most accessible and visible gift of love but it is an alchemy that can transform humble ingredients into a sumptuous meal that captivates all the senses, nourishes the body and even brings about healing.

A bowl of congee is my way of remembering my father and his loving hospitality, of saying thank you for all his past efforts, and to say I love you to the people I cook for (especially baby bro who is back for a visit).

It is also a fitting way to pay tribute to Dad, who has gone ahead, seven years to the day come this Saturday.

Brotherly perspective

My baby bro is back for a visit and it's been good hanging out with him to see how his choice of vocation and location have shaped his belief system and personality.

C. lives in Taichung, a Taiwanese city with a very laid back vibe. He loves it there and it looks as if he will stay a while yet.

Singapore holds no attraction for him for he is not enamoured of its sophisticated city living and widespread material-driven superficiality.

During this trip, he has encountered kiasu kiasi* Singaporeans who would not lift a finger to help him as it did not benefit them financially and an almost belligerent "everyone's out to get me" attitude towards strangers.

Used to hardworking, friendly Taiwanese with no other agenda that a native curiosity to get better acquainted, he was put off by their rude and ungracious behaviour.

I have to admit I have been brought up to treat all strangers with caution. And growing up in a rather sheltered and insular environment did not help at all.

Hence I have been accused of being unfriendly and dao** when what I really was was reserved and socially inept.

What has changed for me in recent years is due in part to my W2W community. It is truly here that I have had the opportunity to rub shoulders, on a regular basis, and consequently bond with a group of women who come from diverse walks and stages of life.

Within this serendipitous sorority, I have learnt to communicate my thoughts and feelings, my strengths and weaknesses; to share my faith walk with its ups and downs - something that does not come naturally to me, the uber introvert that I am.      

Combined with a sustained effort to "love my neighbour", I find myself nurturing an increased respect for the dignity of every person I meet.

More and more I can look at another person and see God's image in him or her, regardless of race, age, religion, beliefs, culture and (the state of) my relationship with that person, withholding judgement when differences or divisions are uncovered.

It isn't easy to overcome my prejudices and innate reserve, but having role models like C. help.

I admire his natural friendliness and openness, his genuine love of humanity.

I like how he challenges me to look at things, at people, from new perspectives.     

I will miss him when he leaves next Monday.



* Hokkien for afraid of losing (out), afraid of death (or getting involved)
** Arrogant or standoffish

Faith and wisdom

Thanks to S. I got to watch December Rains, a Mandarin musical staged by Toy Factory this afternoon and thoroughly enjoyed myself, especially since there were supertitles (else I'd be lost).

It is a love story set in the fifties, a time in Singapore's history where there were anti-colonial riots by the bus workers' union and Chinese middle school students; a tale of youthful idealism, first loves, life choices and the sacrifices that ensue.

My afternoon somehow rounded up this morning's homily in a lyrical way in that the theme of love and sacrifice is something that each of us is familiar with, being human.

We love. We choose. All the time.

In choosing one love, we invariably sacrifice another. Therefore it's crucial to make wise choices.   

In accepting God's love and call in my life, do I in turn love Him and thereby subscribe to a way of life that demonstrates my love for Him?

If I call myself Christian, do I live a life of faith and faithfulness by being a good steward, one who is faithful and wise?

Fr.Vaz reminded me that wisdom is not a string of degrees or well-grounded literacy, but rather wisdom is to know God intimately and to let him reign and rule in my life.

In the Book of Wisdom, wisdom is personified as a woman, someone I can be good girlfriends with, or not. The choice is mine.

Wisdom is indeed a gift of the Spirit that I have always asked for, having made colossal mistakes in the past.

When it comes to love, the heart has a way of making decisions that may not be so politic or salubrious, especially if one hasn't had the benefit of time and experience to temper a youthful idealism or a still maturing value system as evinced by Li Qing's willingness to leave her beloved  parents for the love of one man and Ying Xiong's going back on his word to Li Qing for the love of his ideals.

Although wisdom is also the uncertain child of suffering, as believers of Christ, the simplest way to acquire wisdom is to live out the will of God as espoused by Fr. Vaz.

Just take the example of the slip of a girl Mary, who said yes to being a mother although she was as yet unwed, braving the very likely prospect of death and future heartbreak.

She displayed a wisdom beyond her years for she was living in close relationship with God, and thus was given a grace-filled faith to say yes to seemingly crazy, impossible and scary situations.

While there will always be rainy seasons in our lives, periods of great loss and sacrifice, wisdom will always guide us through the heaviest storms.

All it takes is a little faith.

True to type

I have been coasting. Partly due to the incredible busyness of the first five months of the year, followed by a quarter of quiescence recuperating from surgery and trying to get back to work to make up for my loss of income for the seven weeks of inactivity.

As I regain some equilibrium in my life, it is time to get back into the spiritual saddle.

I have let slide all my disciplines of prayer and have consequently hit a few roadblocks in doing what I know I am to do.

Okay, it may not be as bad as I make it out to be but I am certainly deviating from the trajectory I am supposed to be on and it comes from a combination of laziness and fear.

The perfectionist in me refuses to embark on a project that involves a lot of effort and could spell failure.

D. went for MBTI training a couple of weeks ago and it piqued my interest again. I know what I am, having completed the psychometric questionnaire years before, but reading more about my psychological type recently just blew me away.

It was pretty spot on and I felt less crazy as I realized what my "negative" tendencies were. I also think that all parents should MBTI themselves and their children in order to have them understand their children a little better and to therefore improve the dynamics of their relationship, as well as assist their children in realizing their potential fully.

M., my client who does MBTI training told me this, that we cannot change our type, especially if we answered the questionnaire honestly and not given aspirational answers.

I believe that is true. We are, each of us, like a figure encased in a marble block, that the Creator gazes upon and see a form that in Michelangelo's words is "shaped and perfect in attitude and action".

And all that is needed is our co-operation with Him so that He can chisel away all the extraneous, unwanted bits to reveal to the world the beauty He sees within.

Despite my unchangeable psychological type, I am uniquely gifted and shaped by my experiences. If I allow the Creator to fashion me as He would, in a spirit of receptivity and accountability, then I would come to life fully, in all my being. 

E. gave me a rather pointed postcard that says Only You Can Choose the Right Direction.

As one of the few people who has known me and loved me (for who I am) my entire life, I know she knows I am coasting and it's time to change.

Despite the various milestones and accomplishments through these last seven years, I could be more and do more for I could answer more convincingly my fiat, instead of a tepid "Wait a while".

I love her for pushing me and encouraging me to go further for it's so easy to rest on my laurels having attained a certain level of emotional/spiritual maturity and the head knowledge to give the right answers and maybe even choose the "better portion", but not quite yet the "best".

It's easy to not focus my limited and finite energy and resources on the right things (things that I have discerned are part of my vocation) by doing a million "good deeds" that are the low-hanging fruit and so  within my  reach

As it says in Matthew 7:21, only the one who does the will of the Father will enter the kingdom of heaven. Forget mighty works.

So I have my work cut out for the remainder of this year: to go beyond my "type" and develop both my greater and my lesser traits to the extent I can say I did my utmost to be true to the best of myself.
    
I pray today for my Mount Tabor experience - to be transfigured so that I will be given new heart and a fresh, glowing demeanour to be more like Him.

My magnificat

You, O Lord, are my strength and my shield,
Without you I would lose hope and yield
To darkness, despair, unending death.
Instead you raise me up, give me wealth,
Riches beyond imagination.
Of love, hope, faith, joy and a vision.
To light the world by being woman
A gift to all, inspiring women.
As I have been nourished by Mary,
Anna, Hannah, Martha and Mary.
Women who have gone ahead of me.
Taught me about You and how to be
Filled with passion and transcendent grace,
Jesus to you alone, I give praise.

* Last Friday after A. expounded on Hannah (thanks A. for such an insightful and deep teaching), she encouraged us to write our own canticles, to be inspired by the Spirit, as Hannah and Mother Mary were.

Seven

Seven is the number of years it took me

To celebrate your life without tears.

You were the rain and the wind,

The storm I scurried from at first

Growl of thunder and blinding lightning.

Cowering with fear, a little girl again

While the adult me was seething with suppressed anger,

Frustrated that I couldn't be honest with you,

 Love you freely as other daughters loved their fathers.

 Through a spectrum of different intensities

That had a delicate snowflake tenderness,

Free of frostbitten hurts and frozen brokenness.

You made me weep for lost opportunities and forlorn regrets.

Why could we not steamroll beyond the snowdrifts of our past?


Seven is the number of years since I've found

A living faith that mirrors your own conviction,

That was forged in the crucible of great suffering

And where you regained your youthful ideals,

So crystalline pure, exuding a perfumed peace.

Past indignities began to melt as I sat at your feet.

Could going home be more poignantly beautiful?

The young sapling planted has grown deep roots

And sprouted into a sturdy tree with glossy emerald foliage,

Laden with ruby red fruit, peachy fuzzy fragrant,

It pays homage to the spirit of your being,

The God-likeness you left me as inheritance.

My soul is enriched with lashings of joy unsurpassed

Grace upon grace, it multiplies seven-fold.

Stillness for nothingness

I recently deactivated  my Facebook account. Over time, I have grown increasingly uncomfortable with the lack of privacy, the "show all, tell all" culture of FB and the constant invitation to be a voyeur, peeking into the lives of people I don't even know well.

I suppose blogs are similar in that way but the difference is that I have control over what I share in my blog whereas on FB, I don't always have that option.

Someone may post a photo of me, a private moment that I do not wish a world of strangers to see. The photo may be in circulation to only a select few, however, all it takes is for one of the recipients of the digital image to post a comment or forward it and the image takes on a new public life of its own.

The second reason why I quit FB is that I had begun to spend too much time on it, playing games and just being completely unproductive and disconnected to the real world as I plug into its virtual attractions.

It's alarming how strangely void my life feels without it, although I know I can definitely put my time to better use (and hopefully not exchange it for another addiction).

Sometimes, it's the seemingly innocuous things that require the most vigilance. When I began to lose sleep whiling away my time on FB, I knew it was time to stop.

While technology has definitely enhanced communication, the improper use of technology has spawned a plethora of new evils in the world such as the exponential increase of child predators and a thriving pornography trade; addictive behaviours that have led to the destruction of marriages, family and social structures; and a general lowering of moral standards as people live more and more in relativistic, virtual, fantasy worlds, divorced from reality.

Among its lesser evils are addictions like mine, or the need to continually upgrade and acquire the latest technology has to offer, regardless of whether the current phone/computer/digital camera is still functional.

Technology is not a bad thing, but an inordinate attachment to any of its offerings, resulting in the neglect of one’s duties or the body’s need for sleep, fellowship (chat rooms or virtual relationships cannot replace face to face encounters) or exercise (our bodies are created for movement even in hot and humid Singapore) is not healthy.

Having had a chance to reflect on my life this past weekend, I can see that I've allowed too many distractions into my life and there is a need to simplify. To re-focus and de-clutter my life.

Esther Fong’s presentation on discernment during the ICPE-led “Know Christ and Make Him Known” Weekend Retreat at the FMM House of Prayer was an excellent reminder to me to make discernment a lifestyle choice and to use what is left of my time on earth well, living every moment of my life meaningfully and mindfully.

As Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living" and I have therefore renewed my commitment to spending at least 30 minutes in solitude to pray and reflect - a requisite for discernment is to “be still” - putting the time that I have freed up from FB to better use.

Mystic St. John of the Cross wrote in The Ascent of Mount Carmel:

To reach satisfaction in all

desire its possession in nothing.

To come to possession in all

desire the possession of nothing.

To arrive at being all

desire to be nothing.

As I enter into this reflective season in my life, I make the words of John of the Cross mine for only in nothingness will I find what I am searching for. Always.

Forty-six

I’ve finally made it to the mid-way mark.

And it’s great to be at home in my skin.

It took me a while to quiet the din,

Of chaos caused by thrashing through the dark.

Should’ve known life would be bitter and tart,

Although of late, it’s been chocolatey sweet.

Spring lilies adorn the earth at his feet,

Bathed in tears for the years we were apart.  

Even if winter is icy and hard,

Blossoms can thrive in the garden within,

Heavenly scented, healing kith and kin,

A gift of love distilled into pure nard.

As I receive I give back in fullness

His gaze holds mine in the heart of stillness.

Pure desire

Exactly a week ago I went for my first secondary school reunion and it was an enlightening and affirming experience.

I was not sure initially if I wanted to go for memories of feeling bad about school were as clear as if it were yesterday.

As a teen, I was insecure and most unprepossessing, awkward in my own skin even as I was invisible.

I also felt inferior and would envy the confidence of the "cool" girls even as I detested them for their youthful insouciance.

So why would I want to see people who made me feel bad about myself?

And that was precisely why I decided to go - to challenge myself and to see whether I have grown beyond being Ms. FadeIntoTheWalls.

I had a blast for I managed to meet classmates who had made me laugh and brought back memories of fun, schoolgirl high jinks and endearing naivete.  

By Singaporean standards, I had every reason to feel inferior for my recent career choices have been unconventional and do not grant me great financial gains, power or status and, let me tell ya,  there were some very successful and accomplished women in the room.

I was instead glad that I could appreciate and celebrate their successes, while I was secure enough in my own worth as a woman who was living a life of integrity and authenticity, brimming with abundance.

It was nice to know that I have become an adult, no longer a slave to her childish distortions and neuroses. A woman with a distinctive identity, spirituality and feminine genius.

This afternoon I shared the above experience during the panel discussion of an ICPE-led event called Man. Woman. Celebrating Our Sexuality* for this story illustrates the difference between the love-hungry teen that I was and the fulfilled woman that I am now.

I am grateful for all that I have become and that I am, as Anna Capello put it, "living in purity for I am able to accept and receive my sexuality from God, the truth of who I am". What a lovely way to look at purity - thank you, Anna.    

Purity matters greatly to me for one of my earliest memories of God comes from the pure, innocent love that I felt for God, as a seven-year-old, and how in that moment He was extremely real to me.

When I lost that purity, I mourned and missed it and spent years looking for it. When I regained it, I was determined never to lose it again. It is, incidentally, the beatitude that resonates most strongly with me - to be pure of heart.

Purity is not easy to achieve for we live in a world of temptation and it was clearly established by Fr. David Garcia that we are only free of sexual temptation 10 minutes after we are dead. 

Levity aside, I know that the only chance I have to ensure my desire for purity is attained is to stay close to the source. So that when I am tempted, I will have the strength of the Spirit to help me overcome it.

Anna's husband, Mario, proposed that sexual salvation is for one and all and he gave everyone present a few more suggestions like:

* Availing yourself of the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist regularly
* Giving your heart over to the Lord (Proverbs 23:26)
* Re-symbolize the places that lead you away from God's plan
* Making small daily choices that demonstrate self-mastery (as Terence Anthony put it during the discussion if we cannot be faithful in small ways then we will not be able to be faithful in big ones and his way of making a choice is to fast on Wednesdays)
* Taking a stand of being a protector and not a predator
* Cultivating healthy relationships with men and women
* Accountability of your conduct to a few trusted friends
* "Nip it in the bud!"
* When you fail, get back on your feet and run to Christ.

Pope Benedict XVI has this to say about the pure heart in Jesus of Nazareth:

"The pure heart is the loving heart that enters into communion of service and obedience with Jesus Christ. Love is the fire that purifies and unifies intellect, will and emotion, thereby making man one with himself, inasmuch as it makes him one in God's eyes."

So if I remain open to God's love for me, I will always be able to see and hear Him. And doing His will would be clear, although not all that easy when temptation rears its pesky and dangerous head.

So Lord, grant that my desire for purity, to be pure of heart, will always outweigh all other desires.

* Anna and Mario Capello shared the vision of John Paul II's Theology of the Body. In TOB, the late pope gave us a new language of sexuality that enables us to understand our desires and order them such that  we can live fulfilled lives of freedom.