Without delay

On a recent episode of Criminal Minds, I heard a quote which is pertinent to my current state of mind.

It's by British historian C. Northcote Parkinson (who incidentally lived and worked in Singapore for a period of his life): Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

I have been reflecting about gifts lately; and how I use those given to me. Yes, I do exercise my gifts daily, but there are a few key instances in which they lie dormant for I haven't mustered the courage to act and therefore open myself to the possibility that my gifts will be rejected, or worse, disdained.

My fears and my pride hold me back. Fear of falling, failing, being laughed at or dismissed.

I am unable to advance out of the comfort zone of my fears, despite knowing what I must do. I find myself going in circles although I can see where I should be walking.

Intellectually I know that fear will always be present, but if I am committed to saying yes to Him in all things, then there can be no room for a fear-induced paralysis.

And yet, I am at a psycho-spiritual impasse. Part of the problem stems from my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, and my brokenness. The tedium of having to work through these long identified issues that are the bêtes noires of my existence fills me with ennui. Fortitude has never been my strong suit.

The other struggle I have is with my own physical limitations as I age and how I should nurture the gift of my body such that I will have sufficient energy and health to carry me through the course that I wish to chart in my remaining years. My recent surgery has really brought home to me that I must take better care of my body if I wish to be His hands and feet in this world.

It was only the realization that I am in denial, courtesy of the Parkinson quote, that I have trying, with renewed effort, to focus on doing the "right" things without further delay, of which prayer and an attention to physical well-being are huge components.

(I desperately do not want to wander in the desert of denial any more.)

As John Paul II exhorted 10 years ago: Duc in altum! Put out into the deep!

If I want deep returns in my spiritual growth, then I must cast out into deep waters, regardless of fears.

A chance remark to B., advice on what she needs to do, and I have put into motion a plan to do something I have been desiring but put off invariably for some time. My first silent retreat. Whether or not B. can join me, I am resolved to go.

I have begun to prepare my mind and heart for this special first time experience and am looking forward to mid-October with great eagerness.

Time has become an even more precious commodity as I reside firmly in mid-life. I am in a season of physical degeneration, where memory has begun to fail, eye-sight has worsened and muscles ache more. My energy level and metabolic rate are not what they were so I must prioritize wisely and make every second count for more.

The only way I can do that is to expand it in the stillness of contemplation and conflate it in Divine-led action. And, no more delays, as far as possible.