Mother-daughter time

I’ve just spent the better part of last week in Bali and had a relaxing fun time. I got to show my Mum around (she’s never been while I’ve been several times), taking her to places I’d been before, and to places that we’d both never been before like the lush green padi fields around Candi Dasa and the water palace of Tirta Gangga.

We were both very impressed with the sight of ancient frangipani trees in Tenganan and the gorgeous sunsets by the sea (one of our drivers/guides was quite frustrated with what we thought interesting for we rejected most of his suggestions and wanted to do our own thing).

What struck me most about this trip was the kindness of strangers, the warm hospitality of the Balinese, minus a few dodgy characters. I was totally charmed by the sweetness and friendliness of almost everyone I met.  

While I did not have much time for structured prayer as Mum and I shared a room and we were on the go for pretty much of the time, I tried to practise the presence of Jesus by being patient and kind, first to my mother and then to those that we met.

I am glad to say I succeeded largely (at least I think so : P)and I was conscious throughout our days there of the blessings of good weather, beautiful sights, wonderful sunsets, delicious meals, safe drivers and God’s protection over the two of us wherever we went (I had a few near-misses with motorcyclists).

It was also a time of healing and escape for me – from prior physical exhaustion, the weight of responsibility and ghosts from my past. 

I also liked that I got to take Mum on a vacation she always wanted and one that she enjoyed very much (I hope). 

Having just gone through a month filled with hospital visits to see A. and even witnessing the passing of two of her room-mates (in real time), I am cognizant of the limited time we are each given on this earth, especially my ageing mother’s, who currently, thank God, is in good health.

Therefore I am resolved to not let the busyness of my life derail me from the things that are important in life, like vacations! 

Seriously, one of my deepest desires is to make my mother’s life as comfortable and as enjoyable as possible for it is not only my way of showing her love but also my way of loving and honouring my deceased father, who wanted the best for my mother from the day he married her.  

So it’s nice to be able to fulfil Dad’s promise to Mum and also to thank her, in my own small way, for conceiving and carrying me for nine months, for giving me life, and for bringing me up to love patiently and unconditionally.

May we continue to have as much fun in our everyday living as we did in Bali.

Lamenting into praise

Last night we (W2W Ministry) were very privileged to have Fr. Martin Cilia* speak to us on dying and saying goodbye.

Fr. Martin, who is en route from Malta to the Philippines with Br. Clinton, one of his seminarians, consented to take time off to share with us and help us journey with A. in the coming weeks.

He quickly outlined the process a dying person goes through (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and what we, as companions on the dying person's journey, can do.

Listen. Be present. Move with the person through the different stages as they move from one to another.

This means not lying to the person (no sugar-coating of the truth), nor forcing the person to face the truth before he or she is ready.

Avoid mouthing cliches or platitudes for want of something to say.

Instead empathetic silence will serve best if at a loss on how to validate the person's negative emotions.

He also emphasized the importance of touch, for it is a language that can speak more powerfully than words.

Depending on the closeness of the relationship, there are five essential messages that should be conveyed:

1. Will you forgive me?
2. I will forgive you.
3. Thank you.
4. I will miss you.
5. I love you.

These messages will also assist us to let the person go (which may be vital for them to let go themselves), and allow closure to happen.

In dealing with the situation ourselves, Fr. Martin encouraged us to ask the question WHY?

To examine our own feelings and what is happening inside of us (as the dying person would be asking the same question).

Only by questioning can we colour the experience of suffering with meaning.

Only by questioning can we lament (and pray) in order to move into true praise and worship.

The significance of lamentation was highlighted by Fr. Martin. Not only is there a Book of Lamentations in the Old Testament, but the Psalms are littered with lament and praise of a suffering people.

Lamenting allows us to get in touch with reality, and ultimately leads us to seeing God's presence in our lives and know that that in itself is our biggest blessing as we "walk through the valley of darkness" (Psalm 23).

The story of Job is also one which takes us through Job's great suffering and how his constant faith eventually allows him to see and hear God in his life and to offer Him praise.

Job also challenges the simplistic concept of how good things in life mean blessing and bad mean punishment.

This is vital for us to be able to see our suffering not as punishment but to ask questions and search for meaning that then enables us to see the blessings that surround suffering and to know that God is there with us, loving us.

Even Jesus himself asked the heartwrenching question from Psalm 22 as He experienced pure desolation, " Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani" ("My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"), and through the four Gospels we see that Jesus was never afraid to ask questions in life, or to experience suffering and to be greatly afraid of dying.

As we all know, Jesus did feel God's presence with Him in the last moment of death as He committed His spirit into His Father's hands.

So we must be present with the person who questions and laments, allowing our love to support the person and help them see a true image of God, a God who is present, loving** and suffering, in our midst.

We are not called to find all the answers or solve all the problems but to do our part by being there in love.

Fr. Martin stressed the importance of ritual (i.e. the ability to bring a sense of sacredness and imbue certain actions with meaning) and when we feel helpless, to pray for the person and then to transform our prayer into presence.

After speaking at length on what we should expect so as to be able to deal with the grief of loss to come, Fr. Martin closed the session with a powerful question for us to reflect on:

How is A. who is God's word, speaking to us now and how should we respond to the holiness of this current journey?

* Fr. Martin was the priest who celebrated mass and taught me for one week during the three-week Pastoral Counselling School in Bangalore, India in 2003. His wisdom, giftedness and ability to see the sacred in beauty around him opened my eyes to a new world of creative possibilities. So it was with great pleasure that I welcomed him to Singapore this week and delighted in showing him around.

** In John 13:1, "he loved them to the end", Jesus is our Saviour who could not love us more and therefore took on our suffering upon Himself as a supreme act of love. What greater love can there be than the laying down of His life for us?

Personal best

When I was a young girl, I was laughed at for crying at sad movies and for being too soft. So I spent years covering up this weakness for real women do not cry, at least they don't, in my family.

It is only in recent years, that having been unbound from the burial clothes after coming to life as Lazarus did, that I have come to appreciate the gift of my "bleeding heart", as I call it, this ability to feel the pain of the other and make it my own.

This empathy, coupled with compassion, impels me to reach out and lend a helping hand as well as understand the perceived negative actions of others in order to be more forgiving.

Embracing my bleeding heart has a price. For oftentimes I invest too much psychic, emotional and physical energy into someone's problem that I am completely tapped out.

Even in exercising my gifts I must be judicious and moderate.

I have come to realize that I tend to get a little messianic in my efforts as I immerse myself in the issue or situation at hand. But that is not my calling. I am not the Messiah who has already come and saved the world.

Instead, I am only a disciple of Christ, created in His image and likeness, and I am called to follow Him wherever He leads me and to do as His Spirit prompts.

This means not letting my ego come into play and ultimately seeking my own glory and not His. Not an easy thing to do.

In seeking His glory, I must cooperate and stand back quite frequently to give God space to be creative as well - and He never fails to dazzle me with His powerful creativity.

While I am to give my personal best at all times, I must never make it personal. So I ask for wisdom to know how to give and when to let go and let God so that everything I do is motivated by one thing only.

Ad majorem dei gloriam.

Desert spectacular

I have really hit the ground running this new year. It's been not only busy, physically stretching, but emotionally exhausting.

One of my sisters from the W2W Ministry has stage IV cancer and is currently staying in hospital as she was throwing up and could not eat as 2010 came into being.

This week she underwent last ditch, three-day chemotherapy.

Although it is now three days after the treatment, she is still suffering from a piercing and persistent pain in her left kneecap, on top of the nausea and inability to eat much.

As with my father's last days, I feel helpless in the face of such suffering, and hope that what I do does offer some solace and comfort.

Despite the difficult circumstances, it's been heartening to see how an informal network of women come together to act in love. And how a community can grow stronger bonds (as D. observed) when one of their kind is in distress.

It is as Eleanor Roosevelt said, ""A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."

The hot water of A.'s illness has brewed a wonderful decoction of flavours as each woman releases her unique brand of strength.










It's been lovely to recognize how each woman's singular gifts blossom as she reaches out in love to A. and her family, bringing a special grace to the situation and drawing A.'s family closer in crisis.

There is so much I have learned just watching each woman in action. Plus, I've gotten to know A.'s good friend D. who is a gem of a woman.

What a beautiful garden love can create, even in the desert of disease and impending death.

Perfect timing

I was chatting with a dear friend S. who lives in Hong Kong just last week and the conversation inevitably turned to love, the search for and the lack of good men and good relationships thereof.

It was difficult for me to explain to S. that despite my desire for marriage, I was happy to follow God's lead in life and that the love of one man whose physical form is not easily recognizable was sufficient for me not to fret about my singlehood.

Is there a perfect man and lover? More and more as I journey in life I can say yes with conviction. For I have experienced the presence of such a man in my life, and I continue to, every day.

It's a relationship that is exciting for although Spirit, He manifests His presence in different ways and through different people. I just need to be open to how He chooses to show up.

In real and tangible terms, my financial needs have been taken care of from the moment I decided to live life according to God's plan for me.

He is always there when I am down, propping me up with unconditional love. I have a kind listening ear when I need one and the wisdom of His good counsel.

I have been kept safe and protected against evil when opting to live my life adhering to standards most of the world dismisses.

Best of all, He has sent so many people into my life to show me how much He loves me. Family and friends, even perfect strangers, have been loving and caring beyond my imagination.

I could go on and on... and at the same time, I am without words when it comes to describing the great love He demonstrates towards me on a daily basis.

I wish I could make S. understand that the yearning every woman (and every man) has for someone to love her (him) was put there by God and hence can only be filled by God in a way that brings fulfillment and consolation that comes not from material things, things of the world, or people.

Ultimately the encounter with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit is a felt and personal experience so I can only pray that S. will one day "meet Jesus" and finally understand what I have been rabbiting on about for years.

In His time, all will be beautiful , and perfect.

Action through contemplation

Welcome 2010! I had an amazing start to the new year and I hope it portends well for the rest of the year.

I was able to begin the day  with morning mass to celebrate the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. It was not only an affirmation of womanhood, for the Saviour needed to be "born of a woman" into this world, but a good reminder to be like Mary who kept things she did not understand  in her heart and pondered on them continually.

I know that 2010 is a year of action for me (I certainly hope it will be) for I, myself, am tired of my own hesitation and procrastination and hope that the new year will bring renewed faith in God and myself in order to give birth to desires that have been gestating within me for a while now.

Given that I am set for an action-packed year, I need to ensure I keep sane, centred and always pointing towards True North. So I renew my commitment to set aside time to spend in prayer and keep the communication lines wide open.

As I began the day in prayer, I also ended it in prayer.

The W2W ministry gathered to celebrate the day in more feasting (as if Christmas wasn't enough), praising God in song and thereafter praying for each other. What a time of great blessing for all who gathered.

As for the words of wisdom that were given to me, I will continue to ponder and allow them to take full-blown shape in my life, bringing joy and comfort to many.

By His will. Not mine.

Philia kind

Just two days ago, an old boyfriend flew into town and we met over lunch, followed by dinner before he headed home on a jet plane.

We had a very good time just hanging out and catching up on each other's lives. He was as I remembered, funny, intelligent, engaging, gentlemanly, someone I once contemplated marriage with and a man I still love dearly.

As the conversation flowed, the years disappeared, and we waltzed away an evening of shared histories, wonderful memories and a gentle, mutual affection for each other.

While my heart ached a little as the evening came to an end, for beauty always makes me weep and the evening was hauntingly perfect, I was mainly grateful that I am no longer the woman he once knew - co-dependent, needy and lacking in self-esteem.

Instead, the experience of being loved unconditionally and so generously over the last six years has transformed me into a woman who is confident, sure and comfortable in her own skin, mostly at peace with herself and the world.

Andrew Comisky writes in his book Strength in Weakness that "the freedom to be for another requires security in one's personal identity as male or female".

He offers a Biblical understanding of what it is to be created man and woman which confirmed for me what I had always thought of as my own personal neurosis. Now I know it's just my own 'womanly' tendencies.

In understanding my "more developed relational sensibilities" as woman and the inclination to a "desire" (Genesis 3:16) that Comisky describes as "inordinate desire, an exclusive possessive yearning for the man", I can see why I had previously made 'the man in my life' my entire world and was consequently a slave to my emotional attachment.

It has taken four years of singlehood, time well spent in discovering who, how, what and why I am, and a process that has allowed me to become secure in an identity forged in truth and freedom, bringing balance to who I am as woman.

As I grow into my "true self" I am able to relate to others, especially of the opposite sex, in ways more multi-dimensional and varied than previously. I am able to engage in healthy and affirming friendships with men.
 
Even as I recognize that I will always love PCT for what we had, the eros type of love I had for him has become a philia kind of love and I am now free to love him for who he is, an old and dear friend, nothing more or less. Much kinder to my heart.

After dinner, I came home to the one man who made it all possible - my main man, JC.

And I thank God for that.

Christmas blessing

What are your blessings this Christmas? This question has been uppermost in my mind since I returned from the Philippines last Sunday.

Perhaps it's the physical fatigue (did not get enough sleep abroad) but I've been feeling lackadaisical this entire Christmas week.

Yes, it was great meeting up with friends and having the opportunity to catch up, eat some yummy food but I just couldn't get into the whole spirit of Christmas thing. I am just glad I had already done my all Christmas shopping for I did not have the energy to contend with crowds or the shopping frenzy.

And then Christmas came.

This is season we celebrate the birth of our Saviour King, when Word became flesh. I am not sure if this is a truth I have understood in all its profundity. However, this year, I think I may be closer to the truth and because of that, I have been experiencing a real melange of emotions.

While I am grateful and thankful for where I am today, and for this wonderfully rich relationship I have with Jesus, this same relationship demands more of me than perhaps I am ready for?

To be the hands and feet of our Saviour, to allow Him to be born in me requires me to go with the movements of my heart which can be taxing emotionally.

I returned home from the Philippines energized for having attempted to show the face of love to those who were marginalized and yet at the same time, I have been emotionally zapped out from witnessing the despair and bleakness of those living in squalor.

How can I possibly indulge myself when there are so many who go to bed hungry with no hope of a great tomorrow?

What kind of change can my puny efforts over a couple of days effect? Even if I were to be a true missionary as those I lived in community with for those few days in Philippines, what can I truly do?

It wasn't until today that I realized allowing Christ to be born in me also means giving Him room to perform miracles that I could not humanly imagine or conceive.

That all that is required of me is to keep the faith (by being a good steward and faithful servant), continue to pray for grace and to let Him lead me every step of the way.

And so I rejoice that God has given us His only son because He so loved us and that this newborn babe will save the world in His own inimitable style.

My true blessing this Christmas is to know I should dream the impossible dream for He has already shown me in so many ways how the impossible can come to pass.

Veníte adoremus Dóminum

Birthing Christ

I just spent the last week singing carols (yes, even in Tagalog) and delivering Christmas hampers to the poor living in Montalban, Philippines.

ICPE Philippines*, a Catholic lay missionary organization, organizes a reverse carolling outreach to the people living near the dumpsite in Montalban every year.

In its third year, the reverse carolling intiative sees teams of volunteers fanning the area, visiting the poor families living there to sing Christmas carols, praying with them and giving each family a Christmas hamper filled with goodies that will enable them to have a special meal during Christmas as well as provide them with some basic necessities.

This year, ICPE organized three outreaches on December 16th, 17th and 19th with the latter involving their Balikatan Ministry which comprises members of the community living in the area neighbouring the dumpsite. Some 300 hampers were given out over the three-day period.

While there were many takeaways from the entire experience - the resilience of the people, joy that can exist even in the grimmest of circumstances, the hunger for love that can be satisfied in giving to others, how beauty is a universal language, the importance of good health and what a gift from God children are - the thing that struck me most was the power of a smile.
 
The profound gratitude of the families I visited really moved me for despite the inability to communicate with them, just by smiling at them and trying my best to exude empathy and compassion evoked a response that said, "Welcome and thank you for visiting me. I am so happy you are here, listening to me and acknowledging my existence".

I was humbled and awed in turn by the ability to recognize Christ's presence in the other, who in turn recognized Christ in me.

It was as Mother Teresa said, "Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing".

In the act of a smile given, and a smile received and returned, each moment was a blessing for both the giver and the recipient. Sacred. Priceless.

While the poverty I saw around me made me weep, I was reminded to do what I can and to offer the rest up to God.

He who takes care of every living creature will take care of those I met over the three days of outreach.

I return home grateful for all that I have, and for the opportunity to make this Advent meaningful, allowing Emmanuel to be born again in the world.

* To read more about ICPE Philippines, go to http://www.icpe.org/icpe-philippines.php

Loving parents

A child is a precious gift and parents, both father and mother, cherish and care for the child with a tender, unconditional love on a daily basis.

In an ideal world, that would be how parental love is, however, we live in the real world and in the real world, parents are not perfect people but probably broken or dysfunctional individuals who have been hurt, deprived, manipulated, lied to and abused.

They were once children who either did not experience a life-giving love or perceive that they were loved in a nurturing fashion by parents and significant others.

And so they are now adults who try their best as parents, but often fall short, and in a very human way, foster relationships with their own children that are filled with tension, resentment and laden with baggage of past hurts.

It is therefore no surprise that we are reminded by God in the Decalogue to "Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you."

That it is the first commandment that advises on behaviour to others, apart from God, is significant.

The CCC* states that we should honour our parents as it is to them "whom we owe life and who have handed on to us the knowledge of God". It also states that:

"The fourth commandment is addressed expressly to children in their relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between members of the extended family. It requires honour, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens to their country, and to those who administer or govern it.

"This commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons." (2199)

So what are the rewards of observing the fourth commandment?

The CCC says "spiritual fruits, temporal fruits of peace and prosperity", otherwise it "brings great harm to communities and to individuals".

Now those of us who have had bad childhood experiences and still continue to have rocky relationships with our parents may struggle to keep this commandment.

However, if we have an experience of God's love and believe in Him, then we are obliged to try and find a way to fulfil this commandment for this is one of the first and very basic ways we are able to express our love for God.

So how do we accomplish this nigh impossible feat of honouring and loving our parents when they can drive us up the wall and round the bend with just a few choice words?

We must first come to terms with the past. To invite Jesus to be there with us when we revisit painful and hurtful memories, and to release those bad times to Him and ask for a healing of those memories.

As P. brought up last Friday evening, empathy is a great tool in the healing process.

We may never understand fully why our parents did what they did to us as children, or continue to behave in ways that still can be life-destroying, but we can try to be open to who they are as people, to walk a mile in their shoes and then perhaps get a glimmer of understanding of what it means to be them.

I harboured great anger towards my father for a very long time but realized that it was me that I was hurting ultimately. So I came to a decision to let go of the anger and to live my life in a more positive way.

The first realization I arrived at was that I had to accept my father was who he was and that I could never change him as a person. (In other words, I had to love him unconditionally.)

Instead I needed to change how I looked at him, not through the eyes of a hurt child, but through the eyes of an understanding adult who saw him as another human being who had been hurt and disappointed many times in his life, and who did not judge him.

Even though that made a huge difference to our relationship and we both came to know that we loved each other dearly, the relationship was not one that was ever easy or light. But it was one filled with patience, forgiveness, caring, understanding, compassion and fidelity.

The flip side of a "difficult' relationship is that loving such a person ultimately makes you a better person for you are called to draw on the reserves of grace that love (that is a choice and not an emotion) engenders.

I just finished a fab book by Gary Chapman called Love as a Way of  Life and I found it very insightful.

He enumerates the ways we can express love to make it a "successful" experience: kindness, patience, forgiveness, courtesy, humility, generosity and honesty.

If we are able to give love in the way we would like to receive love, an authentic, selfless, self-giving love, then we will indeed live long in the land that God has given us - one filled with peace and a prosperity that is beyond measure.

In this season of Advent, there is no better time to practise the fourth commandment so try honouring your father and your mother today.

* Catechism of the Catholic Church

Reality Project Desire

I have the December blues. It's an awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach for I have run out of time to accomplish the goals I set out to this calendar year due to my own poor time management and lack of discipline.

Yes it's the time of year to sit back (amidst the crazy Christmas prepping) and reflect on how my life has shaped up over the past 12 months.

And yet, there is much that I have accomplished. I give thanks for I am been largely successful in giving back to those around me (in small and big ways, planned and spontaneous) and I have matured both spiritually and emotionally.

I am especially gratified that I have let go of certain notions that have been embedded in my psyche for so many years and I now have a new way of looking at the world. And armed with John Powell's vision therapy, I hope to battle my distortions into pale images that I can see through to the underlying truth.

In the meantime, new goals have popped up on the horizon, while new ideas are brewing, and new desires have been planted in the depths of my being -all of which I have yet to find time to mull over and discern what I am to do with it.

As with any new idea or desire, I want to see it happen instantly. I want to already see the fruition of its alluring potential. I want to drop everything in order to take flight.

A visit to my SD three days back has helped give me some perspective.

After sharing with him my failings and my desires, he said to me three words: Reality. Project. Desire.

He then proceeded to elaborate, "Deal with the reality (of unfinished goals by completing them), then embark on the project (that I have already pondered over for a long while now and need to execute) and sit with the desire (until it becomes clearer)."

I thought it was a fantastic pragmatic approach to life that bore repeating, hence this entry.

He then offered three more words to allay my fears: Confidence, peace and hope.

If my talents are God-given, then I should be confident that when I use them it will be a furtherance of my vocation, and in the act I will find the peace of doing what I am created to do and the hope of breathing life into God's possibilities.

When I shared with him my sense of what this Advent means to me - being pregnant, to be filled with new life and waiting eagerly for its arrival -  he gave me one final sentence that baby Jesus is saying to each of us during this special season:

"I need you to be born again for the world."

The expression of Christ's birth can only be made real through our thoughts and actions.

So what are you doing this Christmas to make it a worthwhile reality?

Time out

I had a great day today. No work and all play. Time to watch TV, nap and just chill.

It has been a wonderful long weekend - beginning with an impulse but sumptuous Thanksgiving dinner, followed by chances to meet up with friends and family: high tea at the Rose Verandah with G. and A., go on an unplanned starlit walk along the water's edge with K. and P., eat a delicious salad that was first created in my taste memory - one I give thanks for its many flavours.

Sometimes I wish my life were less hectic. I miss just hanging out at the beach, doing nothing but cloud gazing and dream weaving.

Having nothing to do is such a luxury for there is always something I need to complete and something I haven't yet had time to do or forgotten about...

While the merry-go-round of life will never stop, it's important to make time to give thanks - for the busyness, the people I need and who need me, the pockets of quiet and introspection, and for the many reminders to be mindful and aware.

To be still and know.

Breath-less

I cannot breathe.
There is a monkey on my shoulder,
A millstone round my neck,
and an albatross draped on my chest,
Oppressing me.
Much as I try to inhale,
Fill my lungs with oxygen,
A spot lies inactive and inert,
Where the alveoli refuse to inflate.
The heft of memory undealt with,
Unexplored and unexpressed,
Left to fester mutely,
Has taken up permanent residency
In the countries of fascia, bone and organ
Infecting my body with a vengeance.
But I will not despair.
For the One who breathed life into me
Can make of my being a new creation
If I let Him infuse my whole spirit, soul and body,
Making sense of my past, present, even future.
As I remember, acknowledge and feel,
I can then accept, mourn, to finally let go.
So with hope I wait on His touch.

Dialogue

I am sorry that I did not stop to listen
To see the beauty of who you are
Even in disagreement
there is room for transformation
Had I been ready to see
To recognize the truth of your world
that you were inviting me to explore with you
As friends
Treading a serpentine and oft precarious path.
I was too arrogant for words
Thinking I knew the answer to the question
When the answer needed time to unfold
For the question to be heard
and for dialogue
a convivial conversation to ensue.

 

Please pardon my very human impatience
My worldly logic that lacks
the wisdom of compassion
and the humility of suffering
Not knowing when and how to keep quiet
and allow a Spirit-led silence to heal.
If you give me another chance
I will search together with you
Wearing open minds and open hearts
So that we can be surprised
by the gifts God has in store for us
Like love, joy and so much more_
The possibilities are infinite...

*  Inspired by Fr. Timothy Radcliffe's talk on Being Christian in the 21st Century and dedicated to my W2W sisters.

Being Christian

Two Fridays ago I attended a talk by Fr. Timothy Radcliffe on "Being Christian in the 21st Century" and I was happy that I could sit and imbibe the wisdom of Fr. Radcliffe after having been so inspired by his books.

He is, as I imagined, after having read his autobiography, "I Call You Friends", a book I bought as a gift and snuck in a read before gifting it - erudite yet eloquent, gifted, insightful, humble and Brit funny.

Fr. Radcliffe, henceforth TR, had the ability to make theological profundities as simple as breathing.

As Christians, we must be like the Whitebeam tree residing outside the window of his room at Blackfriars: a living entity fully alive, behaving true to its nature and what it was created to be, and yet, open and in dynamic contact with what it is not, such as the sun and the rain.

We cannot succumb to the temptation of either "retreating into Christian ghettos", shutting out the world that is unlike us, or assimilating into society and "disappearing down the secular rabbit hole".

Instead, he encouraged those present to engage the other in friendship, in loving conversation so as to be true to our missionary calling to convert hearts and minds by redefining the modern day perceptions of doctrine and morality.

As doctrine is often greeted with suspicion, we must be sensitive and allow it to "flourish in open conversation", rather than attempting to preach it from the high horse of doctrinaire.

(Incidentally St. Dominic founded the Order of Preachers in a pub after a night-long conversation with the barkeep that led to the man's conversion.)

Doctrine can be a beautiful gift when approached in the right spirit. TR used the example of the trinity and how we can share its mystery with others.

Anyone who is in love or who loves is living the mystery of the trinity, for love can only be discovered with the help of the other.

So be like Christ, who engaged the ostracized in loving conversation and moved them to conversion with his openness.

However, before we attempt to engage in conversation, we would do well to study the doctrines of the Church to avoid any faux pas. With this piece of advice he told a joke that had the audience in stitches and brought home the point.

While society craves moral vision, it is stymied by its idea of freedom that often does not leave room for the Christian ideal of living in accord with the will of God to thereby live a fulfilled life, satisfying one's deepest wants and desires.

"Morality is not what you are not allowed to do or forbidden to do," TR clarified, "neither is it obligation or external constraint." Rather morality should be experienced first as intimate friendship with God, and then with others.

In this way, the commandments are no longer rules that must be adhered to, but rather they serve as a reminder of who we are, creating a mindfulness as we go about our activities of daily living of what it truly means to be human.

TR also reminded the audience that God's friendship is always surprising so we would do well to keep an open mind with God.

The two hours just sped by as he shared his thoughts and answered questions from the audience.

What I found most powerful was the reminder that where there is love, there is God, even if the people around us do not believe in God.

And we should not fret about those we love who do not believe for we should trust that God will seek out everybody, including the 100th lost sheep.

So patience. For every love has its own pilgrimage, its own journey to make.

It is my sorrow and my bliss

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To know where I'm going yet have miles to go.
To be completely lost but certain I'll make it home.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To choose death in order to gain eternal life.
To embrace life fully, knowing that every day I am dying.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To trawl the depths of darkness to find in its heart God's light.
To be light to the world in the brilliance of my blackest pain.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To surrender my entire will and find authentic freedom.
To be bound by my relationships beyond earth unto heaven.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To keep on loving those who are 'undeserving' and 'ungrateful'.
To be loved wholeheartedly despite my obvious unworthiness.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To feel the pain of others until my heart bleeds with them.
To be borne on the back of my crucified Christ.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To celebrate with joy in the midst of abject desolation.
To mourn the bittersweet ephemerality of life's peak moments.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To be ridiculed and persecuted for my unwavering fidelity.
To inspire the faith of one man although I've failed him time after time.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To experience His power made perfect in my weakness.
To be humbled when I am reminded all I have is not mine.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To witness that all things are possible with God.
To live in a world where most don't believe there is a God.

Valley dark

As I've been experiencing some physical and emotional pain lately, I have been reflecting on the subject, and studying the world's response to it in trying to make sense of my own.

Most of us regard pain and suffering as if they were the bete noires of our existence, to be eschewed at all costs.

The recent death of Michael Jackson and the current trial investigating the death of Anna Nicole Smith attest to that for both celebrities' overuse of drugs to manage pain led to their deaths.

Certainly pain avoidance is a natural reaction, in-built by nature for the survival of the species and we must not ever ignore pain.

However, the question is how do we deal with it in a constructive manner?

The modern world's reaction is to find an instant panacea: pop a pill and make the pain go away. Or drink yourself into a stupor. If that doesn't work, throw yourself into any activity that will numb the senses.

We all have our own coping mechanisms which can be less than desirable if we get hooked on an emotional/physiological crutch and refuse to move forward into healing, content to rely on a quick fix permanently or constantly running away, to the detriment of our own health and even those around us.

A friend of mine who is currently in pain from gout has a wise and concerned physician who refuses to precribe medication, wanting him instead to alleviate the symptoms of pain by altering his diet first, making drugs the option of last resort.

How many of us have such wise physicians in our midst, and, do we heed their advice?

If we look at Psalm 23, the psalmist says "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me".

The darkness experienced in the valley is part of our earthly journey in life. However, we are not asked to run through the valley nor run away from it especially since we, as Christians, believe that Christ is with us, protecting us from evil (even if it is my own human response that could lead me to sin).

If Christ, who was afraid in the garden of Gethsemane, was sent an angel to strengthen Him, surely God will send us angels in our times of distress and need?

And if He does, do we recognize them and acknowledge their presence, the healers, physicians, guides, mentors, counsellors and concerned friends He places in our lives?

Do we accept the truth of pain, allowing it to envelope us and purify us as we let God lead us to a creative and life-giving response?

Will we allow the love of the Shepherd to administer to us even when all is lost and seems impossible?

Sometimes, it takes awhile to come to our senses as pain does blind us to the obvious. Or we are just patently stubborn in our refusal to see.

I must admit I have been particularly dense and tardy in dealing with my issues despite knowing what I must do.

I find it is a constant battle, a daily surrender of my own predisposition to rationalize my inaction and slothful inertia.

So today I make the commitment to listen to the pain and ask my Father how I can make sense of it and more importantly, how He wants me to respond to it.

And finally, to ask for the strength of angels to act on it.

You and I

When you lost your voice, I lost mine, too.
I couldn't say to you how much I loved you,
Even though I knew you would be leaving me shortly.
Unable to span those years of broken communication,
Of love twisted into anger and fear,
Brittle and fragile, weighing down my heart.
When you left, my unexpressed words turned inward,
Sucked into a void wintry, dense and abyssal,
A black hole of regret, making me sick, body and soul.
When I entered the darkness today,
You whispered to me that you heard me, 
Every day, in all the ways,
I sought to express how I felt 
As I wiped your face with Veronica's hands,
And washed your feet as our Servant Lord did.
Every act of love became a benediction,
An "I love you" wrapped in secret sorrow.
You listened, you understood and you knew.
While the truth shines a light that reconciles my being
It doesn't change the fact that I still mourn your leaving.