Time out

I had a great day today. No work and all play. Time to watch TV, nap and just chill.

It has been a wonderful long weekend - beginning with an impulse but sumptuous Thanksgiving dinner, followed by chances to meet up with friends and family: high tea at the Rose Verandah with G. and A., go on an unplanned starlit walk along the water's edge with K. and P., eat a delicious salad that was first created in my taste memory - one I give thanks for its many flavours.

Sometimes I wish my life were less hectic. I miss just hanging out at the beach, doing nothing but cloud gazing and dream weaving.

Having nothing to do is such a luxury for there is always something I need to complete and something I haven't yet had time to do or forgotten about...

While the merry-go-round of life will never stop, it's important to make time to give thanks - for the busyness, the people I need and who need me, the pockets of quiet and introspection, and for the many reminders to be mindful and aware.

To be still and know.

Breath-less

I cannot breathe.
There is a monkey on my shoulder,
A millstone round my neck,
and an albatross draped on my chest,
Oppressing me.
Much as I try to inhale,
Fill my lungs with oxygen,
A spot lies inactive and inert,
Where the alveoli refuse to inflate.
The heft of memory undealt with,
Unexplored and unexpressed,
Left to fester mutely,
Has taken up permanent residency
In the countries of fascia, bone and organ
Infecting my body with a vengeance.
But I will not despair.
For the One who breathed life into me
Can make of my being a new creation
If I let Him infuse my whole spirit, soul and body,
Making sense of my past, present, even future.
As I remember, acknowledge and feel,
I can then accept, mourn, to finally let go.
So with hope I wait on His touch.

Dialogue

I am sorry that I did not stop to listen
To see the beauty of who you are
Even in disagreement
there is room for transformation
Had I been ready to see
To recognize the truth of your world
that you were inviting me to explore with you
As friends
Treading a serpentine and oft precarious path.
I was too arrogant for words
Thinking I knew the answer to the question
When the answer needed time to unfold
For the question to be heard
and for dialogue
a convivial conversation to ensue.

 

Please pardon my very human impatience
My worldly logic that lacks
the wisdom of compassion
and the humility of suffering
Not knowing when and how to keep quiet
and allow a Spirit-led silence to heal.
If you give me another chance
I will search together with you
Wearing open minds and open hearts
So that we can be surprised
by the gifts God has in store for us
Like love, joy and so much more_
The possibilities are infinite...

*  Inspired by Fr. Timothy Radcliffe's talk on Being Christian in the 21st Century and dedicated to my W2W sisters.

Being Christian

Two Fridays ago I attended a talk by Fr. Timothy Radcliffe on "Being Christian in the 21st Century" and I was happy that I could sit and imbibe the wisdom of Fr. Radcliffe after having been so inspired by his books.

He is, as I imagined, after having read his autobiography, "I Call You Friends", a book I bought as a gift and snuck in a read before gifting it - erudite yet eloquent, gifted, insightful, humble and Brit funny.

Fr. Radcliffe, henceforth TR, had the ability to make theological profundities as simple as breathing.

As Christians, we must be like the Whitebeam tree residing outside the window of his room at Blackfriars: a living entity fully alive, behaving true to its nature and what it was created to be, and yet, open and in dynamic contact with what it is not, such as the sun and the rain.

We cannot succumb to the temptation of either "retreating into Christian ghettos", shutting out the world that is unlike us, or assimilating into society and "disappearing down the secular rabbit hole".

Instead, he encouraged those present to engage the other in friendship, in loving conversation so as to be true to our missionary calling to convert hearts and minds by redefining the modern day perceptions of doctrine and morality.

As doctrine is often greeted with suspicion, we must be sensitive and allow it to "flourish in open conversation", rather than attempting to preach it from the high horse of doctrinaire.

(Incidentally St. Dominic founded the Order of Preachers in a pub after a night-long conversation with the barkeep that led to the man's conversion.)

Doctrine can be a beautiful gift when approached in the right spirit. TR used the example of the trinity and how we can share its mystery with others.

Anyone who is in love or who loves is living the mystery of the trinity, for love can only be discovered with the help of the other.

So be like Christ, who engaged the ostracized in loving conversation and moved them to conversion with his openness.

However, before we attempt to engage in conversation, we would do well to study the doctrines of the Church to avoid any faux pas. With this piece of advice he told a joke that had the audience in stitches and brought home the point.

While society craves moral vision, it is stymied by its idea of freedom that often does not leave room for the Christian ideal of living in accord with the will of God to thereby live a fulfilled life, satisfying one's deepest wants and desires.

"Morality is not what you are not allowed to do or forbidden to do," TR clarified, "neither is it obligation or external constraint." Rather morality should be experienced first as intimate friendship with God, and then with others.

In this way, the commandments are no longer rules that must be adhered to, but rather they serve as a reminder of who we are, creating a mindfulness as we go about our activities of daily living of what it truly means to be human.

TR also reminded the audience that God's friendship is always surprising so we would do well to keep an open mind with God.

The two hours just sped by as he shared his thoughts and answered questions from the audience.

What I found most powerful was the reminder that where there is love, there is God, even if the people around us do not believe in God.

And we should not fret about those we love who do not believe for we should trust that God will seek out everybody, including the 100th lost sheep.

So patience. For every love has its own pilgrimage, its own journey to make.

It is my sorrow and my bliss

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To know where I'm going yet have miles to go.
To be completely lost but certain I'll make it home.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To choose death in order to gain eternal life.
To embrace life fully, knowing that every day I am dying.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To trawl the depths of darkness to find in its heart God's light.
To be light to the world in the brilliance of my blackest pain.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To surrender my entire will and find authentic freedom.
To be bound by my relationships beyond earth unto heaven.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To keep on loving those who are 'undeserving' and 'ungrateful'.
To be loved wholeheartedly despite my obvious unworthiness.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To feel the pain of others until my heart bleeds with them.
To be borne on the back of my crucified Christ.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To celebrate with joy in the midst of abject desolation.
To mourn the bittersweet ephemerality of life's peak moments.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To be ridiculed and persecuted for my unwavering fidelity.
To inspire the faith of one man although I've failed him time after time.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To experience His power made perfect in my weakness.
To be humbled when I am reminded all I have is not mine.

It is my sorrow and my bliss
To witness that all things are possible with God.
To live in a world where most don't believe there is a God.

Valley dark

As I've been experiencing some physical and emotional pain lately, I have been reflecting on the subject, and studying the world's response to it in trying to make sense of my own.

Most of us regard pain and suffering as if they were the bete noires of our existence, to be eschewed at all costs.

The recent death of Michael Jackson and the current trial investigating the death of Anna Nicole Smith attest to that for both celebrities' overuse of drugs to manage pain led to their deaths.

Certainly pain avoidance is a natural reaction, in-built by nature for the survival of the species and we must not ever ignore pain.

However, the question is how do we deal with it in a constructive manner?

The modern world's reaction is to find an instant panacea: pop a pill and make the pain go away. Or drink yourself into a stupor. If that doesn't work, throw yourself into any activity that will numb the senses.

We all have our own coping mechanisms which can be less than desirable if we get hooked on an emotional/physiological crutch and refuse to move forward into healing, content to rely on a quick fix permanently or constantly running away, to the detriment of our own health and even those around us.

A friend of mine who is currently in pain from gout has a wise and concerned physician who refuses to precribe medication, wanting him instead to alleviate the symptoms of pain by altering his diet first, making drugs the option of last resort.

How many of us have such wise physicians in our midst, and, do we heed their advice?

If we look at Psalm 23, the psalmist says "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me".

The darkness experienced in the valley is part of our earthly journey in life. However, we are not asked to run through the valley nor run away from it especially since we, as Christians, believe that Christ is with us, protecting us from evil (even if it is my own human response that could lead me to sin).

If Christ, who was afraid in the garden of Gethsemane, was sent an angel to strengthen Him, surely God will send us angels in our times of distress and need?

And if He does, do we recognize them and acknowledge their presence, the healers, physicians, guides, mentors, counsellors and concerned friends He places in our lives?

Do we accept the truth of pain, allowing it to envelope us and purify us as we let God lead us to a creative and life-giving response?

Will we allow the love of the Shepherd to administer to us even when all is lost and seems impossible?

Sometimes, it takes awhile to come to our senses as pain does blind us to the obvious. Or we are just patently stubborn in our refusal to see.

I must admit I have been particularly dense and tardy in dealing with my issues despite knowing what I must do.

I find it is a constant battle, a daily surrender of my own predisposition to rationalize my inaction and slothful inertia.

So today I make the commitment to listen to the pain and ask my Father how I can make sense of it and more importantly, how He wants me to respond to it.

And finally, to ask for the strength of angels to act on it.

You and I

When you lost your voice, I lost mine, too.
I couldn't say to you how much I loved you,
Even though I knew you would be leaving me shortly.
Unable to span those years of broken communication,
Of love twisted into anger and fear,
Brittle and fragile, weighing down my heart.
When you left, my unexpressed words turned inward,
Sucked into a void wintry, dense and abyssal,
A black hole of regret, making me sick, body and soul.
When I entered the darkness today,
You whispered to me that you heard me, 
Every day, in all the ways,
I sought to express how I felt 
As I wiped your face with Veronica's hands,
And washed your feet as our Servant Lord did.
Every act of love became a benediction,
An "I love you" wrapped in secret sorrow.
You listened, you understood and you knew.
While the truth shines a light that reconciles my being
It doesn't change the fact that I still mourn your leaving.

Juvenile aspirations

I have been free falling into despair and desolation over these last few weeks. I even lost my voice without realizing it.

Life's full of peaks and valleys right, so deal with it.

After a cursory attempt at dealing with the fallout, I declared myself sufficiently healed and suppressed my hurts by largely ignoring how I felt, emotionally and physically, to soldier on with life.

It was only this weekend that I realized I was still among the walking wounded with visible injuries to the discerning eye.

Ever impatient, I had deemed my intellectual insights sufficient remedy to the situation, only to realize that I needed to give myself the time and space to enter the darkness and sit with the pain.

To acknowledge the presence of my anger and bitterness, and grieve the event that led to it were necessary yet skipped-over actions of my healing process. Thanks E., for forcing me to sit in stillness and work on it.

That I had stopped journalling and made feeble perfunctory efforts at prayer should've tipped me off. Hubris and denial, however, prevented me from making the connection.

Here is where I thank the Lord who knew exactly what I needed and had arranged for it way in advance - thank goodness that God is out of time and does not operate in a linear fashion.

Thus it was that I saw E. early Saturday morning, who called me on it, and went on to attend a weekend retreat run by the Intercessors of the Lamb* at the Catholic Spirituality Centre called the Power of Intercession.

Here I have to thank J. for inviting me to the retreat ages ago.

The I. of the L. are "dedicated to the contemplative formation of all Christians for the powerful ministry of intercession" and I received much in terms of new insights as well as ample opportunity to practise contemplation.

To be still and listen.

Today I participated in an abbreviated "tres horas" meditation which walked us through the Passion of Jesus Christ and brought me smack into the Third Week of Ignatius's Spiritual Exercises which we have been covering in Landmarks (have I mentioned how awed I am by God's impeccable sense of timing?).

It was a much needed draught of living water: to unite with Christ's suffering and death on the cross. Die to self in redemptive agony in order to resurrect, move on freely and grow.

There's much more I would like to share on the weekend but my main takeaway is to pray constantly. Like a child.

A child who is completely reliant on her father and trusts wholly in his love.

A child who lays her head on her loving father's chest and is stilled into calmness by the sound of his reassuring heartbeat.

Simple, but not so easy for me to accomplish. So, Abba, please show me how? I want to learn.

* To find out more about I. of the L. go to http://www.bellwetheromaha.org/

St. Damien of Molokai

Today Fr. Damien of Molokai was canonized, making him a saint. I so wanted to be in Hawaii to celebrate the occasion (anything to be in 'Ha-va-ii') but it proved to be just a dream.

I think I will have to convince my college buds to plan for our next reunion to be in Molokai, seeing as it's one island I have not visited. Then I can visit where Fr. Damien lived and died.

If you google Fr. Damien, you will find that there was controversy surrounding Fr. Damien for he was probably not everyone's idea of a priest.

"A coarse, dirty man, head-strong and bigoted," is a written description of Fr. Damien in a letter by a Presbyterian pastor.

It would indeed take a man of strong character to decide to live permanently among lepers and bring order and a semblance of society to a place over-run by lawlessness and despair.

"A saint is one who doesn't put themselves at the center, but rather chooses to go against the grain and live according to the Gospel," said Pope Benedict XVI at the canonization mass of Fr. Damien and four other saints.

Fr. Damien began his ministry of embracing and serving lepers of Molokai in 1873 and remained there until his death in 1889 after having contracted leprosy in the preceding four years on the island.

He not only gave the people hope, but forged a community while taking care of the practicalities of life: tending the sick, building houses and digging graves.

He also worked tirelessly to ensure this outcast community was not forgotten by mainstream society.

Pope Benedict XVI remarked of St. Damien: "Not without fear and repugnance, he chose to go to the Island of Molokai to serve the lepers who were there, abandoned by all; thus he exposed himself to the disease they suffered from. He felt at home with them."

"The Servant of the Word thus became a suffering servant, a leper with lepers, during the last four years of his life."

"We recall, faced with this noble figure, that charity makes unity," Benedict XVI continued. "It gives birth to it and makes it desirable. In following St. Paul, St. Damien leads us to choose the good battle, not those that lead to division, but those that gather together.

"He invites us to open our eyes to the lepers that disfigure the humanity of our brothers and today still calls, more than for our generosity, for the charity of our serving presence."*

It is real people like St. Damien who inspire us to live as better people. As Pope John Paul II said during the beatification homily of Fr. Damien in 1995:

"Holiness is not perfection according to human criteria; it is not reserved for a small number of exceptional persons. It is for everyone; it is the Lord who brings us to holiness, when we are willing to collaborate in the salvation of the world for the glory of God, despite our sin and our sometimes rebellious temperament."**

St. Damien, help us be holy as you were, and bring comfort to many.

* http://www.zenit.org/article-27158?l=english

** http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/Saints/saint.aspx?id=1379

Twilight beautiful

I finally caught one of my must-see movies “The Twilight Samurai”, Tasogare Seibei, on the flight back from Melbourne and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Here is a man whose life was marked by misfortune, he was looked down on by many, and yet, he lived life with dignity and integrity, earning the deep love and respect of the women in his life.

Seibei, the protagonist in the film, is a low-ranking samurai married to a woman from a wealthier class who is unused to the humble lifestyle and falls prey to tuberculosis to eventually die, leaving him with two young daughters.

Financially crippled by both the medical and high funeral expenses due to the grand send-off her family insists on, Seibei struggles to support his two daughters and senile mother.

Although poor, he is not unhappy and takes pleasure in watching his young daughters grow up.

Seibei has no time for social networking and is mocked by his fellow samurai for his unkempt appearance and his inability to move up in the world. He is nicknamed Twilight for he is perceived as the classic loser in life.

What most don’t realize is that Seibei does not aspire to get ahead as a samurai and he is content with living peacefully with his family.

His fighting prowess is brought to light when he protects a former childhood playmate Tomoe from her abusive ex-husband and wins the duel with a wooden stick.

As a result, Seibei is asked to “execute” a recalcitrant samurai, an assignment he agrees to most reluctantly, but one with financial gain that finally allows him to hope for marriage with Tomoe whom he has secretly loved since childhood, and who is, likewise, attracted to him.

Seibei marries Tomoe but after only three years of blissful marriage, he dies in battle. Although most mock him as unfortunate and pathetic, his daughter Ito knows better.

She knows her father remained true to himself, parlaying adversity into contentment as a peace-loving individual, a wonderfully nurturing father and a caring husband.

Watching the movie brought home to me that whilst it is never easy marching to the beat of a different drummer as the world sometimes looks on scornfully and laughs, it can be self-fulfilling and rich.

Even when circumstances conspire to bring suffering and loss of control into life, one can remain unbowed, making the best of a bum situation. Even finding joy.

And there is nothing tragic about such a life, brief though it may be, for what matters is what we infuse our time on earth with, making each second, every person we meet, every act of love count so that no matter when we make an exit from life, we will have been like a dazzling fireworks display: beautiful and having brought much pleasure to the many who witnessed it, changing their lives imperceptibly, but irrevocably, for beauty always leaves its mark on the soul.

So don’t wait to live the best life you possibly can, do it today.

Gifted response

I don't know why, but it seems that every time I go on vacation, some calamity, natural or human-induced, happens.

This time it's floods in Philippines, earthquakes in Padang and tsunami in Samoa, a triple whammy no less.

I am always relieved to first find out that people I love, living in those affected locations, are safe, then I start to feel guilty that I am enjoying myself, unaffected by the devastation wrought, as others lay dead, dying or suffering.

Can I make a difference in my comfortably cocooned world so far removed from the chaos I read about in newspapers and see on TV?

I feel useless and ineffectual even if I donate money to help out in those areas. It is never enough, is it?

Even prayer seems meaningless. Do my prayers truly make a difference?

Perhaps I will never be able to tell, but ultimately I do believe prayer works for in itself, it is a response to a situation, a conscious action I take that will open me up to further action.

Prayer leads me to mourning human loss, hoping for those who survived and trying to see how best I can lend a helping hand in order to cast light into the darkness.

Prayer is a call to action.

That no matter where I am, I can make a difference (even a small one) just as different parts of the body must work together to achieve change and progress.

In contemplation, perspective is revealed. I am thus able to appreciate what I have already been given, and reminded that my gifts must be shared in order to be true gifts.

For what use are my talents if they lie dormant and unused? What use are the blessings I receive if I do not, in turn, bless others? They will wither on the vine, waiting to be stripped off and cast into the fire.

It is my hope that upon reading this, you will stop to think how best you can answer the question: "What have you done today to better the world?" and come up with a creative, meaningful and gifted response to recent events, both at large and close to home.

Songs of Oz

It has just been fabulous, spending time with family in Melbourne. I have learnt so much of my heritage just listening to my mum and uncle reminiscing about the past.

Stories of my grandparents and my great-grandmother and being able to see the parallels between my paternal and maternal family histories have given me insights into what made my parents into the people they were, and why I was brought up the way I was.

This visit to Melbourne is in recognition of the fleetingness and fragility of life, its quicksilver changeability, and nothing bears witness to this more than the variable spring weather.

Given the cold and gloomy welcome we received last Sunday, yesterday's warm sunniness was welcomed enthusiastically not just by me but by everyone in the city.

It was easy to give thanks for the beauty of the day, especially when the day that preceded it was grey and cold. Although, I have to say I enjoyed the so-called bad weather for it was a nice change for the unbearable heat of Singapore's weather.

This trip to Melbourne has made me realize how vital it is to celebrate life as it unfolds. To sing songs of both joy and sadness, lifting praise to the Almighty, no matter what comes my way.

That life is filled with births and deaths and I should embrace them all and not get too attached to anything.

It's a little harder when it comes to people, not to get attached, but if I believe in Christ, then I also believe that death is defeated by Christ's salvific love. So even the thought that someone I love is dying should not dismay me too much for I know we will all be reunited in time.

Instead I should focus on the now, the living, living in the moment and to celebrate each day with song.

I sing with gladness of spring,
The lush green hills wrapped in fresh, crisp air.
I admire the sun's golden-soft glow,
That makes warm and beautiful all things:
Blushing camellias and flirtatious tulips
Colour my world with giddy lightness,
People smiling from the sheer pleasure of living,
I cannot help but laugh
At the giggles of delight that fill the air
Of wiggling boys mimicking tipping teapots.
The sweetness of life is hauntingly rich
With bread broken and wine drunk
Familial love drenched in Eucharistic joy.
If only this spring could last forever.

Active faith

One of the biggest threats to spiritual growth is dispersion. It is well and good to attend mass regularly, go for prayer meetings or talks, and make retreats seeking God - it is all good.

However, if we don't integrate the insights and affirmation we receive, if we don't ponder the mysteries of life and our own behaviour, we may just experience an epiphany or theophany and let it go. Wasted.

Then we end up wandering around in negative behavioural circles frustrated, angry with God, for we have been faithful and He has not reciprocated.

Why does He not heed our prayer for change when we have been praying for it years on end. Why are we still so unhappy, depressed and dissatisfied?

If we truly desire change of remarkable proportion in our lives, or not to be so clueless about our "vocation" and "mission", then we must act on it.

We must commit to prayer or what I call real J-time: not just talking at God, but taking time to sit still and be with Him, sharing our sorrows and joys, as with a beloved spouse or old friend. Just so that we can understand more and more what makes Him happy, consequently gaining real clarity into the lies and truths of our lives.

This commitment has to be a daily one. We must make it as fundamental as breathing. If we do inculcate this discipline of prayer, we will begin to be more open to His will in all we do. To find God in all things, and thus experience true freedom even when we make difficult decisions, for we will be operating from our authentic selves.

No longer influenced by fear or selfish desire, we are able to take control of any situation and make it our own (as we make it His), even the most shocking, horrendous and sorrowful ones.

True prayer leads to openness of heart and finally, action, which involves gratitude and creative action (see the previous entry).

Like the 10th leper in Luke's gospel who came back to thank Jesus and praise God after being healed of leprosy, and received further healing, his active faith made him well, not just physically, but spiritually as well.

So if you say you believe in God, prove it by acting on it.

Pray. Open your heart and say yes. Give thanks. Create. Act on it. Make a difference.

Every day.

Creativity first

It may have been an on-the-go busy week but I discovered that inspiration can strike any time, any place and any state of being.

Never mind that it was 6:30 in the morning and I was still bleary-eyed, dog-tired and definitely not firing from all cylinders. Great ideas just kept flowing out of me and I could only gratefully scribble down what turned out to be a remarkably cohesive commentary.

Tonight D. shared that despite having had a stressful week and going through a challenging period, she has been churning out lyrics to glorify God and she also knows that it did not come from her.

(Thanks D., for being so open to Spirit in your life and allowing yourself to be such a wonderful instrument. I really wanted to tell you this after your sharing so I tell it to you now for I know you will read this :D )

Later A. shared that when she visited De La Salle earlier this week she didn't quite understand why creativity was top on the list of attributes La Sallians should have. Until this evening... when she realized we are all called to be as creative as our very ingenious, fecund and original Creator.

A. reckoned that gratitude should've been on the top of the list. I think she's right, but also that gratitude and creativity are close cousins.

When we are creative, it's usually out of necessity - to find a new and better way. As Anthony Bourdain loves to point out, it's the poorest of economies that birth the most delicious cuisine.

Out of necessity, they use inedible or usually discarded parts of an animal and through the alchemy of cooking, create something sublime out of what is otherwise waste.

However, we can be creatively charged out of gratitude, a gratitude that engenders hope, that in turn pushes us to respond and fuels the sheer doggedness that keeps us plugging away creatively in spite of initial failure.

It is a profound sense of gratitude found within the heart that appreciates the gifts within and without - and leads us to using the gifts wisely and innovatively.

Thus creativity is a grateful realization that all in life is gift and an invitation to give thanks by using the abilities and capabilities, inherent and learned, to bear fruit.

So when we begin to feel that life is out of control and that a situation is way beyond us, don't lose hope, trust in the creativity of our God and in His inventive inspirations.

After all if we are in a living and intimate relationship with the Father of creation, surely some of His ingenuity must rub off. And it does.

So be creative. And fulfil your call in life.

Prophetic hope

Linking hands we lazily walked,
Feet sinking slightly in the firm, wet sand,
Leaving behind us a trail of shallow heel-toe prints
Along the simmering water’s edge.
I hug her to my side, feeling her warmth against me,
This woman whom I’ve loved since time began.
The wind slithers like silk across our limbs
As we hunker down on the beach.
Drinking in the sounds of the dawn,
We wait in anticipation,
For the rising sun to splash
An incandescent palette of gold, cerise and smoky blue
Firing up the moody sky,
Causing day to break in joyous splendour.
She exhales in awe, wonder shining in her eyes.
I smile.

Have you any idea what you mean to me?
You are my beloved, my goodness.
Everything about you gives me pleasure supreme.
From your soft, sweet lips to your flashing eyes,
Your wild, untamed hair over which you despair.
I delight in your passion for the Truth
The way you care with all your heart quite fearlessly
Beyond the ghosts of past hurts and wounds.
Your velvet-steel courage moves me
I am inspired by your feminine wisdom
Your maternal, healing sensitivity
While your profound sensuality makes me weep.
You are my desire, every day,
Always.

"Thank you for loving me first,
With such naked originality, so unconditionally.
Because of you, I dare to dream, to hope and to soar,
You are my way, my truth and my life.
I am created anew each time I look in your eyes,
You make me fully alive; because of you
I am.

* A big thanks to my W2W sisters who give me hope, September 11, 2009.

Feminine dignity and vocation

Just a couple of days back, I happened to catch Oprah's "Woman Who Changed the World" show where Gloria Steinem was a featured guest.

She lauded Steinem as a leader of the feminist movement in the US during the 70s, saying women today stood on the shoulders of women like Steinem who had championed vigorously for women's rights through the decades.

In the very next breath she complimented the 74-year-old Steinem on looking youthful and attractive, asking archly if she had anyone special in her life or was dating for she still looked so good.

In that one question she managed to dismiss all the progress women like Steinem made, transforming women into objects valued and desired by the opposite sex based on their physical appearance. Oh Oprah!

I can't say I blame her for one has only to scan women's magazines, popular TV serials or MTV, the bellwether of pop culture, to come to the conclusion that it seems to be highly important that a woman is attractive and desirable.

Never mind about character, personality, intelligence or the intrinsic value of each woman, all that seems to be secondary, for ultimately, a woman's worth is measured and validated by how alluring she looks, much like a beautiful work of art.

What makes it worse in our so-called progressive times is that women now aspire and CHOOSE to be objectified.

Many of us seem to think that the ultimate goal in life is, "to look sexy to attract a man/men and get a husband or life partner, if not, I am a failure as a woman ergo unable to express my sexuality fully as a woman."

That is the biggest lie that any woman can buy into.

There is nothing wrong in taking pride in one's appearance and treating one's body with respect, appropriate as "temples of God", but an inordinate amount of time, money and attention spent on looking good leads one to value superficiality and be satisfied with external beauty while ignoring the cultivation of the beauty of one's soul and inner being.

This can only lead to unhappiness for looks fade over time, and for a woman who only values herself via her looks, the future is bleak (despite the advances in aesthetic medicine).

Here is where I laud Catholic social teaching that "rests on the threefold cornerstones of human dignity, solidarity and subsidiarity" and Pope John Paul II, who in his lifetime really recognized the pivotal role that women play in society.

In his Apostolic Letter, Mulieris Dignitatem, on the Dignity and Vocation of Women, JPII helps women understand what exactly is their true dignity and vocation as woman by enumerating the graces that were bestowed on women from the very beginning of time, and that will enable them "to acquire in the world an influence, an effect and a power hitherto never achieved" in order to "aid humanity in not falling".

Like Mary, all women are called to a special union with "the living God"and to overcome the inclinations of "original sin" that view women as objects of "domination" by drawing on unique, "personal resources of femininity" which can be found in the deep and profound discovery of self-identity, of "who I am" as created by God.

To be able to see myself as the woman I was created to be, through the eyes of Jesus, and be empowered by that radical and affirming love.

To acknowledge the gifts of my womanhood: sensitivity, strength and the courage to be a prophetic witness, "the apostle of the Apostles".

To understand the distinct gifts of motherhood (whether I am single or married) and virginity (by saying yes to the gift of Christ's spousal love) and live them out fully in my everyday life.

To dare to receive Christ's redemptive love 'in order to love in return' and thus become the "perfect woman" who is "an irreplaceable support and source of spiritual strength for other people, who perceive the great energies of her spirit".

All this can be ours, as women, if we, like the Samaritan woman, listen to the entreaty of Jesus, "If you knew the gift of God" and claim it.

By claiming my true dignity and vocation as woman, I claim the "essential equality" of being created in the image and likeness of God and I am better able to recognize the truths of my existence.

That I am a woman, fearfully and wonderfully made, much loved and cherished as an individual, regardless of what others, men and women, think.

That I am a woman who is able to live out the fullest expression of my sexuality every day because I am able to love others as Jesus loves me.

He has truly done great things for me and holy is His name!

Do not cling on

This evening I received the news that the father of my dear friend and sister M. had passed away this afternoon. It has been a long and difficult journey for her and my heart goes out to her during this time of loss.

I had just been reflecting on death this morning as I lay awake in bed: how this year has been shadowed by many deaths - of people I knew or the close relatives of friends - and of people who are dying.

While I am not afraid of dying, for it is as John Donne describes it a "short sleep past" till we "wake eternally", I do wonder how I will deal with the loss of loved ones, like my mother, in the future.

I must admit I do experience fear at the thought of losing my mother for I cannot envision life without her presence to anchor me. But I also know when the time comes, I will let go (not that I have much choice in the matter really) and go on to lead an equally fulfilling and enriching life.

Departed loved ones are never very far away. In a thought they are brought to life as they inhabit our memories.

Although it's been six years since my dad passed on, I am reminded of him every day in funny little ways. Death does not alter our relationship much in that I still know what would please or displease him; make him roar with laughter or wrinkle his nose in disgust.

In fact, I still unconsciously behave in ways that I know he would approve of, so I would say our relationship as father and daughter is still very much a living thing.

This reality of separation and loss takes on new meaning when seen in the light of John's gospel, the passage where Mary of Magdala is weeping at the discovery of the loss of Jesus' body the day after the crucifixion.

She finally recognizes Jesus when he calls out her name, and He proceeds to tell her not to cling on to Him.

When we love (and grow bonds) in our relationships, grief is inevitable when we suffer a loss of relationship through death.

Grief is our way of honouring the depth of love in any particular relationship and it's a process that can transform us into more sensitive, compassionate and wiser individuals.

Given our human predilection to want things to remain the way they are, to cling on to the familiar, it isn't easy to let go of a treasured relationship. However, we are asked to do so.

The advice of Jesus, "do not cling on", invites us to leave behind our old perceptions of a love relationship, to allow a new way of loving to take place, for the "lost" relationship to take on a different and richer dimension.

The passage of grief invites us to claim this new way of loving that transcends time and space. It invites us to let go of unhealthy attachments so as to be able to grow new healthy bonds.

Dad is still my dad even though he is no longer here. I still love and honour him in my thoughts and actions. He is still one of my guiding lights in life. He remains very much alive in my memory.

I am stronger, wiser, more loving and more compassionate as a consequence of his departure.

My wish for M. is for her to experience all the different textures and colours of grief to arrive at the point where she can move forward into a new phase of her relationship with her departed father and luxuriate in the joy and pleasure of it.

Until "death shall be no more".

Alpha awesome

It amuses me how whenever I do something for someone else, I find that the something was meant for me as well ie I gain as much as, if not more, from the something.

In this instance, it's the Alpha course I have been attending. I signed up to encourage my cousin J. to attend and it's been a time of affirmation and revelation for me.

I just completed the weekend retreat and discovered that this is the much-awaited-for event for most participants who know what Alpha is all about (of course I didn't know).

The weekend blew me away for the ministry time was Spirit-powerful and I am humbled by the gifts that have been given to me.

I am also awed at how the Lord continues to lead me along the way I should walk, giving me loads of encouragement as I take uncertain, shaky steps forward.

My takeaway from the weekend is God's blessings are upon me no matter why, what, when, where and who I am.

Even when I hate myself or deem myself most unworthy of being loved, He is right there loving me and holding onto my hand.

And if I open my heart to Him and trust Him, that's when miracles happen and He makes it happen not just for me but for those around me. Through me, His love can radiate to others and transform them.

I think this is what St. Irenaeus meant when he said, "The glory of God is man fully alive," for in trusting God wholeheartedly, I am living fully to my potential (even in my work-in-progress state) and quite unforcedly blessing myself and others and giving Him glory.

May He always be my alpha and omega.