Attesting to Divine Mercy

On the day when P and I first met, which happened to be the Feast of the Divine Mercy, I remember going to the Adoration Room that morning after mass to offer up my first blind date in decades. Although I no longer thought marriage was even a remote possibility, I went on the date with a curious and open heart. I actually received a sign in prayer which, at the time, I was not quite sure what it meant. Now I see the sign was the promise of Divine Mercy, that if we both place Jesus in the heart of our relationship, we can do no wrong. We may fumble badly from time to time, but we will always bounce back, stronger than ever.

Today I am still grateful for this sign, a reminder to make time for the Lord in order to receive life-giving affirmation and vital grounding for my pre-eminent mission of marriage. Thus, I need to praise and worship the Lord, whether in stillness or in movement (what joy it is to worship Him through my body - thanks A, for the opportunity). He is faithful forever, perfect in love* so I, in turn, must be as faithful and perfect as I can be, for Him first, then for P. Thanking and loving Him for His Divine Mercy, commemorating a feast we celebrated just last Sunday.

By Divine Mercy we met
And decided that marriage was
The way forward for us
To test the truths we advocate
Treading waters of nuptial abundance
Percolating quiet, humble obedience.

Through Divine Mercy we love
Bringing fulfilment to each other
Fired in the healing heart of Jesus
We anneal our halves into a whole
His graces are richly sufficient
We bow to the One omniscient.

In Divine Mercy we live
Surrendering intellects and egos
Serving the good of the other
Faithful in the little things
We are bread broken, giving sustenance
Yet astounded always by His providence.

* We worshipped in dance to Aaron Keyes's Sovereign Over Us last night which was uplifting, liberating and soul-satisfying.

Say yes to Easter

If we cannot experience the Resurrection, then we cannot truly experience Easter, said Father Greg last Friday evening during his homily. He was talking in reference to a few of the disciples who, at a loss despite having encountered the Risen Lord, had gone back to what they knew best, being simple fishermen.

What he said resonated with me for I was not feeling particularly Easter-ish even during the Easter Octave. So that was what it was, I was not able to internalize the Resurrection for I was still struggling within myself to take up the invitation of Easter, which is to live by and in the power of the Resurrected Christ. I was unable to fully process this new reality post-Good Friday and its implications for my own life. I remained uncertain, frightened and bewildered, digging in my heels at the new trajectory before me.

I think I got stuck in the tragedy of the Crucifixion, and I forgot to see it as the gift that it really is, an unspeakably beautiful gift of love that morphs into something even more awesome: Resurrection, a resurrection that heralds not just hope of immense proportions, but also an alternative way of living - living a life fully redeemed and destined for eternal life.

Having nailed my sins and my personal crosses to the Cross, I was unable to rise above the events that had recently challenged my identity to the core. I was still weeping and struggling in my human weakness and condition, refusing to let the Resurrected Lord transform my way of thinking. My world got too big for me and I could not see that Jesus was bigger than all the problems of my world and the world at large combined.

It is, therefore, no coincidence that the Feast of the Annunciation follows so soon after the Easter Octave. The invitation is to to be bold, to dig deeper into unplumbed reserves of faith, to suspend personal beliefs, surrender one's own store of past, known experiences, and allow Jesus to lead the untrodden way forward, terrifying and wonderful in equal parts.

The message of Easter is to believe in a new way, even if it seems odds-defying and impossible at the outset. Believing means saying yes unconditionally, and then choosing to set down the path that lays before me, knowing full well that I will encounter difficulties and challenges that may be insurmountable save for one fact: the Resurrected Lord walks with me.

With Him by my side, I am safe. I am more than good. I can experience inner peace and joy, even when beset with problems. My heart can burn with hope and zeal, for Jesus will open my mind to good solutions and perfect answers. I may never be perfect, but His ways, His plan for me is perfect. I just need to do what my SD likes to tell me at the end of our time together, (you) go ahead.

As Mary did, scared as she was, yet dead sure that our Heavenly Father's way is the right one for her, I say yes again today, yes to where I am situated, yes to being His beloved disciple and a favoured daughter who knows her Father's heart. And I choose to believe that Jesus is always on my side so I do not need to operate from a place of fear and insecurity, born out of uncertainty. I am free to relax, be and become the me He created me to be, and evnjoy the ride.

My Easter gift this week comes from 1 John 2:5: But if anyone keeps His word, the love of God has been truly perfected in him. By this we know we are in Him.

If I wish to shoot for perfection, all I have to do is love Him and I will get there. Good news for the perfectionist in me. Easter has finally arrived!

Journeying slowly into Easter

I wondered yesterday if resurrection was painful. Three days in hell before rising must have been at least a tad uncomfortable, if not painful. Even if it was not, it took those who loved Jesus more than three days to process through the grief before accepting the good news of His resurrection.

The reason for my reflection was because I could not experience the joy I usually felt on Easter Sundays for I had a mini crisis of faith on Good Friday. I lost faith in my own goodness, my self-worth and my abilities to the point I was ready to abandon everything I believed in, just like that, despite being able to acknowledge everything that was good in my life, some of which I have assiduously built. It was an extremely painful and terrifying experience. I can only think I was somehow privileged to glimpse a shadow of the internal struggle and emotional pain Jesus must have felt in Gethsemane.

Although my world righted itself by that evening, and I realized I really needed to die to my old self in order to resurrect as Jesus did, the angst had not dissipated completely by Sunday. So it was nice to meet up and celebrate Easter with my ICPE community and receive a few Easter insights.

I was first reminded by S that the Church in her wisdom had divined Easter to be a 50-day period which, as M pointed out, was an even more significant time for a Christian than Lent. It is during this time that the resurrected Lord still walks among us, teaching us, encouraging us. As P shared his memory of a homily last Tuesday when we broke the word on the walk to Emmaus, Jesus comes first to befriend us and walk with us, then He teaches us and shepherds us, before He becomes bread broken for us, feeding us and fortifying us.

This is the Easter journey. And we have days to explore and discover the Risen Lord; experience the hope and joy of His resurrection and what it portends in our own lives. So I still have time to laboriously chip away at the top of the tough eggshell encasing my new self before I can emerge from it, sufficiently strengthened to wobble out on my own two feet.

When K asked us what it was that we would like to offer Jesus this Easter, whether we were still in the darkness of Good Friday or in the resurrection of Easter Sunday, these words that echo Romans 5:5 came to me: The love of Christ has been poured into our hearts.

I saw my vocation, my marriage, as a vessel, the melding of two broken, imperfect heart halves bonded together miraculously and irrevocably by the liquid gold of Christ's redeeming and divine love to form one beautiful and whole heart. Then I saw the gushing waters of God's tender, eternal, unending and faithful love poured into this vessel of us.

If our marriage, our married hearts are filled with God's Holy Spirit, and consequently the love of God, then, no matter what happens, no matter what travails we face, the cross victorious will always reign; originating from the sacrificial love of the crucified Christ, the suffering servant, and transforming into the hope of the resurrected Christ.

This is how P and I can be sustained through the days of our married lives, and this is how we can make our marriage a sign of hope and a source of light in this world. Our marriage will water those who thirst and help the seeds of faith the Sower sows to sprout and grow abundantly around us. We can bring the laughter and joy of Cana to life. Every single day, we can sing the songs of Easter.

My offering to God this Easter is a spanking new self and empty heart, waiting expectantly to be filled with His abundant love.

  _and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.    Romans 5:5

Owning the Last Supper

These last weeks my sense of justice has been hugely challenged. I have felt misunderstood, wrongly accused, and even slandered. I have also felt used and abused, the way the older son who lived with his father felt when on returning home after a hard day's work was confronted with a celebratory feast given for his ne'er-do-well younger brother who had frittered away his portion of the inheritance and has now come home with his tail between his legs.

Where is the justice in all this? All I do is strive for the good of the other. I seek to be kind and generous. I live by truth and love as best I can. How did I become this vile enemy? So how do I respond with grace when faced with my own bewildered anger and frustration, my bitterness? How do I continue to love and forgive those who hurt, anger and sadden me?

Reading the Archie's homily for today, Maundy Thursday, entitled The Capacity to Love*, pulled together all the lessons I have been trying to absorb this Lenten season. He first asks us to focus on the right thing: the emphasis is on Christ loving us first, so that in turn we can love one another. If our service is not rooted in His love for us, we end up doing what the Lord has done for us, but using our own strength. This is where we either become self-righteous, arrogant and proud, or we become discouraged,  lacking confidence and disgusted with our own selfishness.

Yes, yes, yes! Root, root, root! I have spent time on my knees, weeping at the feet of Jesus, attempting to root my identity in Him. Only His perfect love for me has saved me and allowed me to see through His eyes so that I can get a better handle on all the situations at hand and strive to act as He would have. By my own strength it is impossible to be magnanimous and gracious. In God alone I find my strength. He is my fortress, my stronghold, my shield and my song. This has been my constant cry through this season.

Tonight's mass celebrating the Last Supper of Jesus Christ speaks of Christ's self-emptying humility, the depths of His love for us as the servant king who forgives us our sins and takes on our sins by giving up His own life. He is love and mercy personified. Monsignor William Goh further reminds me that as a lover and follower of Jesus, I, too, am called to act as He did, emptying myself for others, and to "make the sacrifice of Christ at the mass" my "own sacrifice". The ways I can live out this mass is:

Firstly, we must offer forgiveness to those who have hurt us as Jesus offered His forgiveness to His apostles who would betray Him later... If we desire to receive God’s forgiveness, then we must be ready to forgive completely those who have offended us. Otherwise, the forgiveness of God would be thwarted as it is only one-sided, that is, on the side of God.  

Secondly, we must offer our lives in service from the love that the Lord has given to us. We serve not with our own strength and merits but by the grace of His love. We are called to empty ourselves in humble service to our fellowmen. It is not enough to serve our fellowmen, but we must serve with humility, compassion and unconditionally. Only humble service can touch the hearts of our fellowmen. Unless we empty ourselves of our pride, we cannot be true servants of the Lord.

Finally, we must be ready to suffer for others, especially innocent suffering... When we suffer innocently for others, because we have been wrongly judged, slandered, misunderstood and ridiculed, then we could truly say that we have made the sacrificial death of Jesus our own. When we suffer for others, helping them and alleviating their sufferings, then we too proclaim His death and most of all, by our sufferings for them, we bring about healing and reconciliation.

When we get down to brass tacks, the answer is to simply be loved and to love, love through the hurt, the sorrow, the anger, the pain, the injustice, the hatred, the bitterness, and the loss, and only then can it be said:

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:35   

Thank you, Your Grace, for giving me fresh hope, and zeal for Jesus, our Lord and Saviour.

* To read the entire awesome homily, please go to https://www.catholic.sg/29-march-2018-maundy-thursday/

New and unending mercies

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon last and we were there to say goodbye to my aunt, my mother's youngest sister. Thanking God for allowing us that last Divine-appointed meeting, a final afternoon to laugh and cry, and say a proper goodbye. She waited for us, kept us entertained, her delight infectious and palpable. Apple juice, green jelly and afternoon tea - what a celebration! My heart aches, and yet, it was the best possible outcome given the circumstances. She had run a crazy good race and was ready to go home to Jesus. Thank you for living life on your own terms, with honesty, and with no excuses. What grace to die on Wednesday at 3:00pm, the hour of Divine Mercy, to the strains of prayer muttered by loved ones and friends the world over.

As I process my grief the chorus from the hymn As We Gather that originates from Lamentations 3:22-23 comes to my mind, a suitable refrain:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;*
His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning, new every morning,
Great is Thy faithfulness, O Lord,
Great is Thy faithfulness.

Rest in peace dear Aunty R. Thank you for everything!

War baby, wild child
You always looked at life 

Just a little differently

From the rest of us

The grass was greener 

In the far yonder

Where sunshine beckoned

Promising new life

One filled with song

Ancient hymns delighted 

Soothing your soul 

Inspired, you ran free.

God's special child

Funny with an acerbic wit

Generous and concerned

Loving those who needed kindness

You made a difference 

Where it counted, saved lives.

And now we weep

For missed opportunities

Another chance to see you smile

But glad that Divine Mercy

Brought you home in peace.

Rest well, among the favoured

In our Father's arms.

Understanding marriage as created by God

Is marriage difficult? That's a definite yes. It is difficult in the sense that there are more complexities, fiendish algorithms to consider and juggle, and one has much less control over one's life than if one were to remain single. There are also great, sometimes heartrending, sacrifices to be made, much courage is needed to fearlessly tread where even angels do not venture, and one needs oceans of faith to persevere especially when all one can see is the uphill climb to the towering peak.

As Father Anthony reminded me today, it is important to have an intellectual framework to guide me forward, especially when I falter, or when my emotions or moods may tell me to give up. Of course he was talking in relation to faith and how, as people, we are quite fickle when it comes to remembering how much we are loved by God, but it is equally important to apply this to one's chosen vocation. Therefore to know how, why and what (and all the other questions in between) made me choose marriage is important to help me maintain my focus and vision.

Father Raniero Cantalamessa wrote in his Lenten homily (fourth Sunday)* two years ago that marriage is where man and woman begin to live out a radical form of humility:

To open oneself to the opposite sex is the first step in opening oneself to the other who is a neighbor until we reach the Other, with a capital letter, God. Marriage begins with a mark of humility: it is the recognition of dependency and thus of one’s own condition as a creature. To fall in love with a woman or a man is to make the most radical act of humility. It is to make oneself a beggar and say to the other, “I am not enough in myself; I need you too.” If, as Friedrich Schleiermacher believed, the essence of religion consists in the sentiment of dependence on God (Abhängigkeitsgefühl), then we can say that human sexuality is the first school of religion.

Marriage is the icon or "reflection of the covenant between God and his people" because it is meant to "characterize God’s attitude toward Israel" and stresses the "value of mutual love, faithfulness, and indissolubility." In Father Cantalamessa's words, marriage mirrors the covenant God made with each one of us, and if we are married, then we get to live out this covenant with God through our daily interactions with our better half. Given how different we are as man and woman, oodles of humility are required to live out the reality of marriage.

It was through my asking the Lord how do I love you more intimately and serve you better that I met and married P. Thus, always coming to a deeper understanding of marriage as God created it to be is necessary for me to live out my marital vows in an improved manner all the time, making all the necessary hard choices, and discarding any precious sensitivities along the way. Marriage calls for me to dig deeper and give more all the time, without ceasing.

When two people love each other—and the strongest example is the love of a man and a woman in marriage—they reproduce something of what occurs in the Trinity. In the Trinity two persons, the Father and the Son, in loving each other produce (“breathe”) the Spirit who is the love that unites them. Someone has defined the Holy Spirit as the divine “We,” that is, not as “the third person of the Trinity” but as the first person plural. It is precisely in this way that the human couple is the image of God. Husband and wife are in fact one flesh, one heart, one soul but are diverse in sex and personality. Unity and diversity are thus reconciled in the couple. In this light we discover the profound meaning of the prophets’ message about human marriage: it is a symbol and a reflection of another love, that of God for his people. This symbolism was not meant to overload a purely earthly reality with a mystical significance. On the other hand, it is not merely symbolic but instead reveals the true face and ultimate purpose of the creation of man as male and female.

I was struck when I read the description above of how the divine can be imbued into our very humanity, our earthly union, and I have to concur that this does happen (I can only give thanks that I have sailed though marriage thus far, knowing it is not by my might but purely by His alone) if we continue to love and honour Father and Son with all our hearts, minds, and strength. And our collective love for God has yielded an amazing love for each other. P and I have been blessed with some kind of wonderful in our marriage.

Whenever my very human fears touch me and I feel so insecure such that I grasp greedily for love; whenever I find myself struggling to accept love from P although it is precisely what I want and need from him; whenever I experience deep hurt and wish to retaliate in kind; whenever I feel weary and disheartened to the point of giving up, whenever I find it hard to forgive or to let go of contentions; whenever I come up empty or am at a dead loss; whenever pride rears its stubborn head and I insist on my way and my independence; it is at these junctures that Jesus, my perfect Bridegroom, comes to transform my human foibles and failings into something quite beautiful, most mysteriously, if I but surrender to Him.

All that He asks of me is to dare to be vulnerable and open, and to live authentically who I am, as He has taught me to live these last 15 years. Nothing changes even though I am now married. And although I love P with all my heart, I must remember that: We were not created to live in an eternal relationship as a couple but to live in an eternal relationship with God, with the Absolute.

What I now have with P is but a "certain foretaste of infinite love", a reminder of where I come from and where I am headed. What we have is good is because it speaks of God's love in so many ways, drawing as we do from the Spirit's inspiration. So P and I must keep relying on the gift of the Holy Spirit who gives us the graces and the capacity to keep making a gift of oneself to the other. It is from the Spirit that "generosity" is constantly born, and the capacity for "self-forgetfulness and service to life" is rekindled.

Thank you, Father Cantalamessa, for such a beautiful reflection on marriage and family. May God's Spirit continue to guide P and myself, today and every day.

* To read the entire homily, go to: https://zenit.org/articles/father-cantalamessas-4th-lent-homily-2016/

Open your heart

Yesterday at mass Father Sam reminded us that we are mid-way through Lent and he asked us to reflect on how our Lenten season has been going thus far. Are we on track, or have we already deviated from what we set out to do at the beginning of Lent?

For this year, I only had one thought, and that was to be open to God speaking in my life, to listen and to respond in such a way I would come out of Lent more entrenched in God's love, and consequently be more able to act in ways that are truly His ways.I want to know exactly what to say and do at any moment in time so that integrated in thought, word and deed, my life becomes His light to the world. It is a lofty aspiration and calls for much divine grace. But this is precisely what Lent is all about, to return to Him so that I can be more and more like Him. The prescribed ways of prayer, fasting and giving alms have actually helped me.

Although I haven't been so religious about fasting from food, I have tried to maintain a fast from apathy. Given that I am constantly physically tired which makes me edgy and more self-centred as self-preservation mode kicks in very strongly, I wanted to come out of myself and be there for others. I would say I have been quite sensitive to the needs of others and in bringing His love to others. However, it also comes, at times, with a huge price.

Opening one's heart to God and others requires humility, the humility of a humble(d), contrite heart. It calls for the ability to see where I am wrong in my thinking and change my ways. It calls for me to come out of my comfort zone and stretch spiritually. It calls for me to recognize and acknowledge my own poverty, my limitations, weaknesses and sins, and to rely totally on Jesus to get me where I need to go so as to align myself completely with Him. Imago dei.

This upcoming Sunday's Gospel talks about how God has planted His law into our hearts and we no longer need people around us to teach us. A well-formed conscience is one of the gifts of loving and following Jesus. I would say I know pretty much immediately what is right and wrong, what I ought to do and what I ought not to do. However whether I do what I ought to do with good grace is another matter altogether.

During these last weeks I have had to struggle and wrestle with doing the right thing. I have had to come face to face with my poverty, my uncharitable thoughts and emotions, my meanness, and I have had to ask Jesus to purify them so that I can do the right thing exactly as a Pharisee would do it with precise and practical actions, and to do it with the right heart and motive, exactly how Jesus would do it purely out of love and compassion, and with great sensitivity. The purification process has largely been through my increased prayer life, where I have received insight and moral strength.

So Lent has been quite a tumultuous journey emotionally thus far. It has also been a great journey for I have seen changes in myself. I have been able to take on the words of others - even though I argue as if I am right, I do listen as if I am wrong - and applied the necessary humbling changes to self. What's been nice is that others have corroborated the changes. Encouraging.

So I celebrate my Lenten journey and I exult as yesterday's psalm exhorts me to do. God is good and He made me to be like Him, good. In the coming days I will continue to open my heart to Him and let Him mould me as He wills.

Pondering the mysteries of marriage

I was just sharing with my SD that men and women have such different points of view and, sometimes, we don't seem to understand each other very well no matter how hard we try. Having said that, I am perfectly fine that P and I may, from time to time, agree to disagree. I also accept that some of his actions may be baffling to me, and vice versa, but I am happy to live with the mystery.

Because I know who P is, and I know he would never knowingly hurt me, that he loves me with a generous, caring and compassionate love, these little things, although irksome, deeply vexing on occasion, are par for the course. Let the frustrations go, it is not worth holding on to any one for the good things are really, really good, and we should, instead, hold on to those things.

Men and women are hardwired differently and we each have our own strengths and weaknesses that can be quite gender specific. Plus, there are times when what matters a lot to me does not seem to matter to him, and what he deems as important may not have the same priority with me. As my SD said, there is no answer to the question why, and we each simply have to trust - trust that we each have each other's back, and trust that we each desire the good of the other in a selfless way.

Here is where the complementarity of the sexes comes into play if we allow humility to fertilize the marriage. We each bring different things to the table, and we can help each other parlay our weaknesses and limitations into strengths. When we are open to new things and new ways, we may discover richer ways of doing things together. We can help each other moderate our excesses, and we can smoothen out the rough edges of each other's personalities.

All this can happen only if we are sensitive*, loving, caring, trusting, forgiving, and when we don't stop attempting to give the best of ourselves to each other. To quote the words of Pope Francis, we should daily build bridges of understanding, not walls. And when there is no understanding, the bridge is simply made strong by the mystery of a committed, empathetic and persevering love.

While I know I am still in the honeymoon stage of my marriage, I don't believe it has to end. My prayer is that I will never lose my sense of delight and wonder when I gaze at P for I want to look at him with the same brand of tenderness 20, 30 years down the road. Perhaps I am a romantic but I do believe it is possible as long as if I gaze at him with the magic eye as Brother Dominic calls looking through the eyes of Jesus.

I am not suggesting that all this takes place without sacrifice and pain, challenging times, or sustained effort. As I told P over last weekend, marriage is my cross, but I said it with joy for it is a cross I bear with reverence and pride, knowing it is a priceless gift from my Heavenly Father.  Marriage is my path to holiness and P will lead me to heaven. Likewise, I hope to do the same for him. In the meantime, we must be content with experiencing heaven on earth. As of now, I could not ask for anything more.

*  My SD says we need to hunt for the treasures of knowing what the other needs and wants and fulfil those needs and wants.

Mining the Wisdom of the Cross

Saint Louis-Marie de Montfort offered 14 rules in taking up our cross daily in a letter he wrote to the Friends of the Cross community that has since been published as a little booklet entitled Friends of the Cross. He exhorted the community to suffer and bear their crosses in the footsteps of Jesus, that is, to live in a Christ-like fashion. Here are the 14 rules which Brother Dominic shared with all Friends of the Cross retreatants that I feel bear repeating:

1.  Do not deliberately cause crosses by one's own fault. Watch how you behave lest you create crosses for yourself inadvertently.

2.   Be aware of one's neighbour's good. Consider how your actions may scandalize others so out of love for them, refrain from any action that may cause a negative reaction.

3.   Admire the sublime virtue of the saints without pretending to attain it. Be humble and see yourself as just a beginner (fledglings and cubs) in carrying your crosses.
 4.   Ask God for the wisdom of the Cross.  Desire, seek and relish the cross. Ask for the wisdom of the cross with hard toil, profound humiliation and fervent prayer.

5.   Humble oneself for one's faults, without worrying. Should you blunder into a cross, humble yourself interiorly under the mighty hand of God, but do not worry at it, trying to right the wrong by covering it up.

6.   God humbles us to purify us. God leads His saints to humility and holiness. Remember the thorn in the flesh of Saint Paul's, that God did not remove to keep him from getting too proud - which was a good thing.

7.   Avoid the trap of pride in one's crosses. Beware of spiritual pride. Always purify your motive in carrying your cross. Be aware of subtle resistances and look out for 'endless inventive excuses'.

8.   Profit by little sufferings rather than great ones. Take advantage of your sufferings, more so of the small ones than of the great. God considers not so much what we suffer as how we suffer. To suffer much or little for the sake of God is to suffer like saints.

9.   Love crosses, not with an emotional love, but with rational and supernatural love. The love you have for the Cross is not sensible love, for this would be impossible for human nature.

10.  Suffer all sorts of crosses, without exception, and without choice. Be resolved to suffer every kind of cross without exception. Be ready to be forsaken by men and angels and, seemingly, by God Himself.

11.  Four considerations for suffering well:-
       a) The eye of God. Ask yourself what does God look out for and try to look at things                 through His eyes?
       b) The hand of God. Allow God's hands to fashion us. Be open.
       c) The wounds and sufferings of Christ crucified. Keep our eyes fixed on Jesus crucified.
       d) Heaven above, hell below. Lift up your eyes, behold the crown that awaits you in                  Heaven if you carry your cross as you should.

12.  Never complain against creatures. Never murmur or deliberately complain about any created thing that God may use to afflict you. There are three kinds of complaints: natural and involuntary, rational, and sinful.

13.  Accept the cross only with gratitude. Whenever you are given a cross, be sure to embrace it with humility and gratitude.

14.  Take up some voluntary crosses. If you wish to be worthy of the best crosses, those that are not of your choice, then, with the help of a prudent director, take on some that are voluntary.

If you are truly Friends of the Cross, then, without your knowing it, love, which is ever ingenious, will discover thousands of little crosses to enrich you.

What Montfort said so many years ago still holds true today. And I give thanks for my thousands of little crosses for they have enriched me and made my life so much more meaningful. As I continue to follow Jesus, I am happy to carry my own cross for I know He is with me every step of the way, and that is grace sufficient.

Friends of the Cross

P and I just went for a weekend retreat at the Montfort Centre entitled Friends of the Cross that encourages us to embrace the cross, and teaches us how we can deal with all the crosses in our lives. The teachings are based on a letter Saint Louis-Marie de Montfort wrote to a community called Friends of the Cross, who adopted Montfort's brand of spirituality.

It was an inspiring weekend and a really good way to enrich my Lenten season. A big thank you to Brothers Dominic and John, and all the Monfortian Associates who made the weekend such a rich one. I hope to take the lessons I have learned and apply them to my life. As Father Martin reminded all of us who were present, there must be follow through coming out of a retreat, real and concrete change, if not, it is wasted. To help us, we need only rely on the graces of God. He will help us.

He said:

You will find that your cross fits you well.

Like the yoke of Christ, it is easy going

Light, no more that you can bear.

So get familiar with its heft and form 

Caress the grain, handle it daily

Choose to take it up, carry it, walk with it!

It may be heavy, even painful at times,

But it is worth the effort, even the tears.

Following Jesus is life's sweet sorrow

For the way of the cross is suffering

But it doesn't have to weigh you down

Instead it can build you up and help you grow

To become bread broken for the world.

There is deep joy in that, and divine peace.

With Jesus I can conquer fear, even death.

Just as He saw Easter in the cross

I need to see the plant in the seed.

The cross is God's plan for my life

Not only can I get to heaven, but on the way 

Find happiness and satisfaction, 

Become the me who lives in greatest freedom

I just need to die to self, 

Deny my selfish inclinations.

The cross is infinite wisdom and God's power.

All this can be mine. All I need do is carry it,

Befriend my cross and follow Him.

Finding Jesus in Lent

My love, my life I've given, to One who is divine,
For His great love is boundless,
It has captured all of mine.
He is my my Lord and Saviour, the Son of God made man.
He said to me, "Come follow Me,"
The Son of God made man.
Hearing His voice, I made my choice,
The Son of God made man.

Few people know the secret that when one's love is pure,
The peace and joy that Christ gives
Are beyond all dreams for sure.
No greater love than His then,
in all the world I'll find,
He is my King, everything,
The Son Of God made man,
King He shall be eternally,
The Son of God made man
The King of Glory, the Son of God made man.

For some reason, the very old hymn above keeps playing in my head lately. Quite appropriate, really, for somehow, the invitation to me this Lenten season is to follow Jesus in a more radical manner: to sell everything I have, take up my cross and follow Him.

I have been reading all kinds of reflections and tips on how to make this Lenten season a more enriching one and the message really is not one of privation as suggested by the ideas of repentance, fasting, praying and alms-giving. Rather, it is about a call to return to what is essential: a dynamic, loving relationship with the Father and His Son, by meditating on the life of Jesus, and following Him as closely as His disciples did when He walked the earth.

To repent is to turn back, to rediscover what we have forgotten or have taken for granted, this gift of love from the Father who stayed the hand of Abraham from killing his son Isaac, and yet turned around and offered his own son as a sacrifice to save us. Then there is Jesus, who is our advocate and mediator to the Father and the Father's saving grace. He leads us to His Father in the best way possible.

Besides being our champion, Jesus also leads by example. He never put a foot wrong for He was so attuned to the Father's will and He was able to carry out His Father's ministry of love perfectly. Jesus was able to accomplish all this only because prayer, fasting, and giving to the poor were very much a part of his life. He was the supreme servant leader.

Thus if we are serious about rejuvenating our faith life during Lent, the practices of Jesus come highly recommended for these are the spaces we can create within our inner worlds, inviting Him to enter and move us in His Spirit.

Naturally there are many caveats about fasting. Whatever we decide to fast from, besides the traditional form, we need to ensure we are fasting the "right" way, that is, for the right reasons. Our intent must be pure. If we decide on a traditional fast from food, it should not be our annual bid to lose unwanted weight. Neither is Lent meant to kick-start a self-improvement project, not that that is a bad thing in itself.

One of the tips I read mentioned not placing too much emphasis on any one thing we give up. Ah yes, don't get too caught up by my own goodness and become overly rigid so that I can't see the forest for the trees. Plus, I must keep trying to top any previous act of goodness, not just settling for good enough.

As prescribed by Blessed Mother Teresa, give until it hurts. So whatever I fast from, if it points me back to Jesus without me getting too self-congratulatory about it, then I have succeeded in becoming a little more Christ-like than usual, especially if others benefit or find my behaviour edifying. I find there is a quiet joy in offering up the hunger pangs of a fast when interceding for someone for it lends weight to my prayer.

We all know we must pray. Constantly. But like anything that is good for you, it can be perceived as a chore. Never mind that I can see the merits of it, and even testify to the awesomeness of having moved mountains through prayer, it is still a struggle for me to make time for it every day, even though I know it grounds me and helps me make good decisions.

Today's Gospel helps give me added purpose to keep on praying for the only way I can love my enemies is through prayer. As Father Thomas shared prayer helps to purify my vision so that I am able to see God in my enemies (or merely people who rub me the wrong way) Thus, I am able to view them as brothers and sisters in Christ, even those who persecute me.

Given my current low energy levels, my first inclination is to ignore everyone in need and tend to myself only. Lent gives me the much needed kick in the pants to come out of myself and offer daily the gift of presence: listening to others' stories with openness and interest when I am feeling most apathetic, and asking Jesus what should I do when I feel the urge to respond.

I thank Mother Church for the opportunity to come back to the fundamentals of my faith, to inspire me to keep the fire burning, and to say to Jesus thank you for dying for me. I say yes to the peace and joy that only you, my Lord, can give. I will follow you.

Questioning marriage

How did you become part of my story?
We walked in such different circles
Though alike in hearts and minds 
Of love of the Lord and His dear Mother
I still find it incomprehensibly awesome 
So deeply grateful for His divine graces.
What do you think marriage holds for us?
The seeds to love Him more dearly, clearly,
While, for me, it's to follow Him more nearly 
Through, with, and in you, today and every day.
Beloved of the Father, and each other
We can change lives, move hearts together.
Who knew we could have so much power
To glorify God's story of salvation?
By living ardently our marriage vows 
Sanctified in a mutual assent to Cana.
When do we know we do His will?
We die to live in His image and likeness.
Our songs of freedom, songs of joy
touch the weary, imprisoned and sick
No one is neglected, the hungry are fed.
Where will we go in this lifetime?
We cannot know, but yet, we trust
His ways are suitably sufficient.
Like Juan Diego, we simply obey,
Allow winter roses to tickle our senses.
Why pay the price; so bravely say yes?
Only the heart of the Mother knows
If we follow her lead, we, too, will be blessed.

Living the questions

During my recent day of recollection with the liturgical ministries of Blessed Sacrament Church, Brother Dominic came with many questions for us to reflect on so that we can each work on transforming our ministry into community. He quoted Rainer Maria Rilke on living with the questions in our life rather then pushing them aside:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

Brother Dominic encouraged us to sit with the questions in our life, to reflect constantly on why we do the things we do in our quest for answers in our life. If we do not know the questions, then the answers may not mean much either to ourselves or others, and we risk being jaded and burnt out, especially during the times when we don't seem to be making much headway.

He reminded all present that there is a universal call to holiness which we exercise and grow only when we live it out actively in ministry, serving others as bread broken, blessed and shared. Because ministry is collaborative and communal by nature, we have to dialogue face to face and work hand in hand together. The one who gives, receives, as the one who receives also gives. This dynamism of service is most strongly evinced in the sharing of lives, the telling of our own personal stories.

Brother Dominic also encouraged us to see our brokenness as as starting point for the light of Christ to enter and fill us even as it heals us, and to then allow ourselves to reflect that same light to others, bringing relief. It is mostly through our suffering that we learn to be more compassionate and less competitive. He stressed that compassion does not come naturally and we require spiritual strength to view the world in a more fraternal and Christ-like manner.  When we reach out and share through our brokenness, this encourages and gives hope to those around us.

My lesson from this weekend is that I should continue to live the questions as richly and reflectively as I did before I got married.

When I look back at the last 13 years of single life, I had to  live out the many questions of my vocation of marriage and motherhood in creative and unique ways. What I draw from those years is that all things are indeed possible with God, and there is deep satisfaction in being obedient to the Father and willing to go His way, for He will lead you down paths you would not otherwise choose. Consequently I developed a vibrant and Abrahamic kind of faith.

Having now experienced just over a year of marriage, I find myself living the questions of my vocation with increased intensity. There is a whole spectrum of questions, and I have to lean on Jesus more than ever. Plus, Mother Mary helps me with a feminine perspective on dealing with life. Those 13 years pale in comparison to the complexities that I am faced with today. However, the blessings are manifold.

The second reading of last Sunday's Liturgy of the Word, 1 Corinthians 7:32-37, spoke strongly to me: how a married woman must concern herself with things of the world and devote her time to her husband. Marriage necessitates a change in how I go about serving the Lord. I need to love the Lord by being pleasing to my husband and the children, and yet, I cannot allow marriage to be a distraction that draws me away from Jesus. Questions are needed to ensure I do not fall into the trap of the latter. Only wisdom of divine nature can assist me in treading the fine line of ministry within and without my marriage, just as the Spirit will guide me to ultimately be pleasing to my Father in heaven.

Whatever our vocation and the vicissitudes of that vocation, there is just one simple guideline that predicates love of neighbour, and that is to love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and with all your mind. If I live out the hows, wheres, whats, whens and whys in close reference to Jesus, then living the questions becomes an altogether simpler yet more profound experience.

Celebrating a life well lived

It has happened yet again, someone I love has in the space of just over a day disappeared from this earth. Yes, life is fragile, time is finite, death is inevitable and all that, but when death wields an unexpected stroke, it leaves me slightly numb. We were just planning a visit in March to Melaka to see her and Mum's other relatives and friends, but now, Mum and I are in Melaka to attend the funeral tomorrow morning.

The only consolation is Aunty I did not suffer much. She had a fall last Thursday around lunchtime, hitting her head on the floor. There was bleeding in the brain, and despite efforts to move her to a hospital in KL for treatment, she passed on Friday evening.

 Aunty I is close in age to my mother and they grew up as playmates during the Japanese Occupation along with a bunch of other cousins. She is the only one who could relate a story of my mother as a playful girl chasing a screaming Aunty I around the garden with an earthworm lodged between her fingers. If you met my mother you could never imagine she had it in her to be mischievous. But then again, Aunty I would have been a great victim for she had a sunny and forgiving nature, and had a loud scream.

When talking to Aunty I, my mother became loquacious and animated. We've had some great times over the years, me listening to them chatter and laugh over the stories she would relate to us. Aunty I was insouciantly cheerful and had a huge store of funny stories to tell us. I will miss her infectious laugh and laid-back bonhomie. She was a true Melakan nonya who welcomed us with warm hospitality and easy smiles, always wanting to feed us.

Tonight as I listened to relatives and friends pay tribute to her, I am reminded that Aunty I was a woman of great faith, simple and strong. She was constantly praying for others and I am sure she blessed me with prayer over the years as well.

As Pastor Sam said it's not so important how one died (seeing as how her death was so sudden), but rather it is good to ask how one lived? Aunty I lived a full life for she touched many people's lives and brought many to Jesus, especially her own family members. She was sweet, kind, generous and humble as she laboured tirelessly in the Lord's vineyard, winning hearts for Him through prayer.

While I am sad I will never hear her laugh again, I rejoice that she is now with Jesus, a just reward for always placing Him first in her heart and life. It was a good way to go, quick with a modicum of suffering - she was definitely favoured by God. I celebrate her irrepressible spirit and unyielding faith with a wish to be even a quarter of the prayer warrior she was. Then I would move mountains like she has.

Till we meet again, dear Aunty I, may eternal rest and perpetual light be yours.

Sitting next to Aunty I in happier times

Seven words for the new year

It is officially 2018! P and I welcomed in the new year by attending late night mass on New Year's Eve, giving thanks for the 12 months before, and also for Mary, Mother of God. Would that we both have half her courage and love for the Father and her Son, then the year ahead will be one filled with great things as we both magnify the Lord in all we do in the new year.

What do I wish for in 2018? That I will spend more time in contemplation. If 2017 is any indicator of how life is, it will not slow down. Apart for that, I am bringing across what was good for me in 2017 to the new year:

Breathe. No matter how stressful the situation, I can control how I deal with it even though I cannot control the situation itself. Being uptight and grouchy will not help me, or those around me. Release the tension. Breathe in and breathe out the name of Jesus, and let it be. Jesus will point the way forward, just follow Him obediently. His is always the best way.

Accept. In life, there will be always be upsets, spills, losses, breakdowns and betrayals. Expect that life will not be perfect or go my way all the time. Find beauty, instead, in the snarls and chaos - it is there. And give thanks that I will grow stronger from adversity. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ so there is nothing to fear. or to throw a hissy fit, for we already own the Good News and we are already living in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Remember. Although my memory grows poor as I age, I can remember to count my blessings, and commit to memory all the times I have been given much. Plus, every day, there are new blessings to celebrate. As Hebrews 13:8 reminds us: God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is the loving Father, generous to a fault. He wants only the best for us and gives us just that. The question is whether I let myself experience His abundant love every day so that I am able to love others as He loves them.

Affirm. I spent too much of 2017 complaining and criticising, bad habits of a lifetime that I am resolved to change. It is not impossible to do so and I will do as Fritz recommended last year, and that is to pray immediately after I receive communion that Jesus heals me of a particular sin. Jesus came not only to redeem me but also to help me break free from sin. I am wasting a golden opportunity to be rid of sin if I don't allow the power of the Eucharist to administer to my faults and transform my sinful nature.

Laugh. There is nothing like humour to lighten the load and turn a bad day around. I need to be able to poke fun at myself when I get ridiculous or too intense. Laugh when all I want to do is cry. Laugh when I feel like pulling my hair out. Laugh just for the fun of it. And if I can make others around me laugh, too, I have done well for laughter heals and mends hearts, deepens the bonds of any relationship, and often brings much-needed perspective.

Offer. If I offer my life daily up to Jesus, I will hold lightly in my hands all my sorrows and my joys, all my losses and my victories. I will not be tempted so much by pride, nor will I succumb to addiction so easily. I can work on acquiring virtue without becoming vain, and I will walk with humility to see him more clearly, love him more dearly and follow Him more nearly.

Magnify. And glorify the Lord as Mary did with her life. His will, all the time - this makes the great moments greater, turns the impossible on its head, and multiplies the five loaves and two fish I possess in order to feed many. It can be done. Our Mother always believed, never lost hope and loved with all her heart. I can do the same. Her gentle attentiveness due to her rich interior life has helped me master my own inner storms and I know she will continue to steer me through the days to come.

I hope to achieve these seven words every day. If I do, I know it will be a good year.

Anniversary lessons

It has been just little over a year since P and I got hitched. I can't believe it's been a year, nor that I am married. Still amazed. Still awed by how P and I met and slipped into marriage. It was a sweet decision, and it still is.

It hasn't been easy, and yet, it has been surprisingly smooth and mostly wonderful. I suppose it helped that we went into marriage appreciating that happily ever afters are hugely possible if both parties are willing to work at it devotedly. The good thing is, we both are. Of course we frequently get a helping hand from Jesus and His Mother.

So what have I learned in this very full year of marriage?

Walking humbly
The vows we spoke to one another on our wedding day have to be lived out in very concrete ways and in tangible acts. This means respecting each other's boundaries by giving in to the other without giving up one's own dignity or identity. We go out of our way to do things that will enrich the other as Christ would, not subserviently but selflessly. Of course knowing what it is exactly that the other wants and needs is tricky and will take us a lifetime to refine.

I have learned that my way may not necessarily be his way, and therefore it is not the best way. Likewise, what P thinks I want may not coincide with what I truly want, so adjustments in thinking are needed. We will still fumble and bumble. We will still talk at cross purposes. We will still have misunderstandings and communication breakdowns. We will still get frustrated and angry with each other at times. But how we deal with all this is what will continue to move us towards the happily ever after.

If we consciously walk with humility, we will both keep forgiving and being gracious to each other even when we don't feel like it; we will take accountability for our own mistakes, apologize, and make amends. We will also be open to new ways of doing things, to new experiences, all in the name of being a better spouse.

Humility enables gratitude, empathy and generosity to well up and power our behaviour, thus humility makes us kinder, more considerate and caring towards each other. Self-denial is not a problem. Sacrifice can even be a pleasure, a joy, as I have found.

Spacing togetherness
I have always loved this quote from Khalil Gibran's The Prophet on relationships:

Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give space: allowing life to unfold as it wills usually yields better results, rather than forcing things to go the way you want them. I have a tendency to jump to conclusions, be judgemental, and also to demand instant results. In these past months I have learned to hold my temper and bite my tongue (edit, edit, edit damaging, killer comments that threaten to trip over emotionally charged lips); fold my arms and wait although internally I am jumping up and down with impatience. The honey of forbearance trumps the vinegar of impulsive, intransigent gratification.

It is no longer all about me or him but about us, therefore the relationship, the us, needs time and space to grow freely and organically. In this area, prayer is indispensable. When things are not going as I would wish, when I am upset or in despair, I pray for insight and strength to change myself first. I pray for His will to be done. Often, God honours my prayer, and Mother Mary comes to my aid. Hearts transform, pathways open up, the impossible is made possible. I am always amazed at His creativity.

While we are a couple, we are also our own people, separate individuals. There will always be a tension between the two as we forge couplehood. When do we compromise personal preferences and likes in order to foster a stronger marriage, and when do we keep nurturing our own identities in order to stimulate the marriage, this is something both P and I need to tango back and forth in one accord (we can naturally agree to disagree) - sometimes giving, sometimes taking. There is no perfect science to this save the sincerity we both bring to the table in wanting the best for the other.

Hunting grace moments
Married life is filled with grace moments, some we see right off the bat, others need keen detecting. If we take the time to look, we will also find those we take for granted. The consciousness examen helps me spot grace moments so that I can show appreciation and give affirmation appropriately, and frequently (something I am still learning to do).

Grace moments are like sacraments in that they are visible signs of inner grace and concrete acts of love. When these little light bulbs of divine love go off, they light up our world, and build bonds of love between us.

We are the ones largely responsible for creating our own grace moments in marriage, and when P and I both move in the Spirit, we create grace moments which often have a multiplier effect. People around us, especially our loved ones, benefit, for the effect is not just limited to the two of us.

Of course the best kind of grace moments are those that are completely unmerited, unsought and spontaneous, blessings from the One who loves us. Look out for those as well and luxuriate in them.

Through these last 12 months of thrills and spills, the one thing that has made it all that bit better is the laughter and smiles P and I have shared. P makes me laugh every day and has even taught me to laugh at myself, and not take myself too seriously. I thank God for this good man I call husband and I look forward to celebrating many more years with him. 

Vacations and churches

When my sister-in-law asked me what there was to do in Sydney for she is visiting in March, I said to her she should research it herself for P and I have a penchant for visiting Catholic churches first before we do any additional sight-seeing.

We are always somehow blessed whenever we travel by usually picking accommodation close enough to a Catholic church to be able to walk to it thereby not missing out on our daily mass routine. Thus in Sydney, our first planned activity was to celebrate Sunday mass at Saint Bridgid's on Kent Street which turned out to be the oldest Catholic place of worship in Sydney and was a place where Australian saint Mary MacKillop frequented (or so we were told).

Later we discovered yet another church within walking distance that celebrated five weekday masses daily, Saint Patrick's, run by the Marist brothers. I felt Our Lady of Guadalupe granted my desire to celebrate her feast day, and my wedding anniversary in thanksgiving.

What P and I found most heartening was how crowded the weekday masses were in Sydney and, how many people went for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It was hilarious really, for I thought I was next in line when a man went into the Recon room after the priest had turned on the light indicating his presence only to discover I had to get in line with 13-15 people ahead of me. On subsequent days we would see two priests administering Recon before and during mass, and this is during weekdays!

We then boarded a cruise that took us to Lifou where we could pray the rosary in the tiniest brick and wooden chapel dedicated to Our Lady of Lourdes I have seen, and to do the same in the Noumea Cathedral dedicated to Saint Joseph, again places we could walk to with not much effort.

When we returned to Sydney after our cruise we found ourselves close to Saint Mary's Cathedral and to Saint Peter Julian's, a lovely small church in Chinatown that both P and I felt was filled with the presence of the Holy Spirit.

What was the real treat just before we returned home was to enjoy the

Christmas light up at the Cathedral, whose facade was used as a canvas for the laser projection show that sought to evangelise those who watched it even as it wowed us with its beauty.

There is something to be said for seeking Jesus even when on vacation,and making time to honour Father God and Our Lady, who kept us safe and met us in the warmth and graciousness of the people, the beauty of the local architecture and land, and the many opportunities to enjoy ourselves(we had mostly great weather with a few passing showers that did not deter our activities). We were edifiied by the faith of Sydneysiders, and we found God is indeed alive and well, and living in the city.

Finding inner strength

It has been a while since I blogged. Life has been a little overwhelming lately and I have not been very inspired to share. To be honest, I kind of lost my voice. It has been a year filled not only with many new experiences that have posed needed adjustments, but numerous insignificant yet bothersome physical ailments. Despite my struggle to stay on top of things, I have spun quite often into despair and despondency. So I entered into the season of Advent not feeling quite my best, nor able to give much to anyone.

E said something to me a couple of weeks ago, a statement I found most liberating: It's okay not to be strong all the time. I had shared with him that I was not in a good place physically and that this posed quite a challenge for me emotionally.

Yes, it's okay to struggle, to fall, and to lean on those around you. There is no shame in admitting I am weak, that I have faults and failings only those who choose to love me can accept.

In the midst of my suffering, I often ask when will it end, yet knowing at the same time, I will be given the inner strength to deal with it. Thus I have found that suffering does not define me, nor should I let it do so.

I can still laugh with joy and sing with gratitude for all the good things that have been given to me. As E told me when she saw me last, rather than look at life as being filled with challenges, look at things, events that happen, as part of a season in life and allow myself to waver and stumble, taking one step at a time. Perfection is not required. I also needed to remember to articulate my difficulties, share them, rather than keep it all bottled up inside of me.

As I prayed the sorrowful mysteries this morning, I could see that Jesus allowed the events that were to happen play out fully. At no point in time did He protest or throw in the towel. He knew what was going to happen but still he underwent the betrayal, the unjust accusations, the humiliation of abuse and torture, the excruciating walk to Calvary and its final horror of crucifixion.

He bore the cross alone and walked, bowed under the weight, stumbling often. On the way, He accepted the assistance of Simon the Cyrenian, He let Veronica to wipe His face, He met His Mother, exchanging looks of grief-filled love, and He acknowledged the weeping women of Jerusalem.

In my own life who am I to eschew suffering? Nor should I demand perfection out of everything in life, especially what I do. Certainly what I can do to change things around I will do, in my own limited way, but what is not within my control I can accept with grace and act with integrity and selfless love, always reaching out to others as He did at each juncture.

As I wait for the Christ child to be born and to eventually grow up into the Messiah who redeems me, I let go of my pain, my despair, the things I cannot change, all of life's imperfections, and I look forward to His birth with anticipation and joy. I can do great things through Him only if I allow Him to be born in my heart. O come Immanuel. You will be my inner strength.