It has been just little over a year since P and I got hitched. I can't believe it's been a year, nor that I am married. Still amazed. Still awed by how P and I met and slipped into marriage. It was a sweet decision, and it still is.
It hasn't been easy, and yet, it has been surprisingly smooth and mostly wonderful. I suppose it helped that we went into marriage appreciating that happily ever afters are hugely possible if both parties are willing to work at it devotedly. The good thing is, we both are. Of course we frequently get a helping hand from Jesus and His Mother.
So what have I learned in this very full year of marriage?
Walking humbly
The vows we spoke to one another on our wedding day have to be lived out in very concrete ways and in tangible acts. This means respecting each other's boundaries by giving in to the other without giving up one's own dignity or identity. We go out of our way to do things that will enrich the other as Christ would, not subserviently but selflessly. Of course knowing what it is exactly that the other wants and needs is tricky and will take us a lifetime to refine.
I have learned that my way may not necessarily be his way, and therefore it is not the best way. Likewise, what P thinks I want may not coincide with what I truly want, so adjustments in thinking are needed. We will still fumble and bumble. We will still talk at cross purposes. We will still have misunderstandings and communication breakdowns. We will still get frustrated and angry with each other at times. But how we deal with all this is what will continue to move us towards the happily ever after.
If we consciously walk with humility, we will both keep forgiving and being gracious to each other even when we don't feel like it; we will take accountability for our own mistakes, apologize, and make amends. We will also be open to new ways of doing things, to new experiences, all in the name of being a better spouse.
Humility enables gratitude, empathy and generosity to well up and power our behaviour, thus humility makes us kinder, more considerate and caring towards each other. Self-denial is not a problem. Sacrifice can even be a pleasure, a joy, as I have found.
Spacing togetherness
I have always loved this quote from Khalil Gibran's The Prophet on relationships:
Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give space: allowing life to unfold as it wills usually yields better results, rather than forcing things to go the way you want them. I have a tendency to jump to conclusions, be judgemental, and also to demand instant results. In these past months I have learned to hold my temper and bite my tongue (edit, edit, edit damaging, killer comments that threaten to trip over emotionally charged lips); fold my arms and wait although internally I am jumping up and down with impatience. The honey of forbearance trumps the vinegar of impulsive, intransigent gratification.
It is no longer all about me or him but about us, therefore the relationship, the us, needs time and space to grow freely and organically. In this area, prayer is indispensable. When things are not going as I would wish, when I am upset or in despair, I pray for insight and strength to change myself first. I pray for His will to be done. Often, God honours my prayer, and Mother Mary comes to my aid. Hearts transform, pathways open up, the impossible is made possible. I am always amazed at His creativity.
While we are a couple, we are also our own people, separate individuals. There will always be a tension between the two as we forge couplehood. When do we compromise personal preferences and likes in order to foster a stronger marriage, and when do we keep nurturing our own identities in order to stimulate the marriage, this is something both P and I need to tango back and forth in one accord (we can naturally agree to disagree) - sometimes giving, sometimes taking. There is no perfect science to this save the sincerity we both bring to the table in wanting the best for the other.
Hunting grace moments
Married life is filled with grace moments, some we see right off the bat, others need keen detecting. If we take the time to look, we will also find those we take for granted. The consciousness examen helps me spot grace moments so that I can show appreciation and give affirmation appropriately, and frequently (something I am still learning to do).
Grace moments are like sacraments in that they are visible signs of inner grace and concrete acts of love. When these little light bulbs of divine love go off, they light up our world, and build bonds of love between us.
We are the ones largely responsible for creating our own grace moments in marriage, and when P and I both move in the Spirit, we create grace moments which often have a multiplier effect. People around us, especially our loved ones, benefit, for the effect is not just limited to the two of us.
Of course the best kind of grace moments are those that are completely unmerited, unsought and spontaneous, blessings from the One who loves us. Look out for those as well and luxuriate in them.
Through these last 12 months of thrills and spills, the one thing that has made it all that bit better is the laughter and smiles P and I have shared. P makes me laugh every day and has even taught me to laugh at myself, and not take myself too seriously. I thank God for this good man I call husband and I look forward to celebrating many more years with him.
It hasn't been easy, and yet, it has been surprisingly smooth and mostly wonderful. I suppose it helped that we went into marriage appreciating that happily ever afters are hugely possible if both parties are willing to work at it devotedly. The good thing is, we both are. Of course we frequently get a helping hand from Jesus and His Mother.
So what have I learned in this very full year of marriage?
Walking humbly
The vows we spoke to one another on our wedding day have to be lived out in very concrete ways and in tangible acts. This means respecting each other's boundaries by giving in to the other without giving up one's own dignity or identity. We go out of our way to do things that will enrich the other as Christ would, not subserviently but selflessly. Of course knowing what it is exactly that the other wants and needs is tricky and will take us a lifetime to refine.
I have learned that my way may not necessarily be his way, and therefore it is not the best way. Likewise, what P thinks I want may not coincide with what I truly want, so adjustments in thinking are needed. We will still fumble and bumble. We will still talk at cross purposes. We will still have misunderstandings and communication breakdowns. We will still get frustrated and angry with each other at times. But how we deal with all this is what will continue to move us towards the happily ever after.
If we consciously walk with humility, we will both keep forgiving and being gracious to each other even when we don't feel like it; we will take accountability for our own mistakes, apologize, and make amends. We will also be open to new ways of doing things, to new experiences, all in the name of being a better spouse.
Humility enables gratitude, empathy and generosity to well up and power our behaviour, thus humility makes us kinder, more considerate and caring towards each other. Self-denial is not a problem. Sacrifice can even be a pleasure, a joy, as I have found.
Spacing togetherness
I have always loved this quote from Khalil Gibran's The Prophet on relationships:
Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give space: allowing life to unfold as it wills usually yields better results, rather than forcing things to go the way you want them. I have a tendency to jump to conclusions, be judgemental, and also to demand instant results. In these past months I have learned to hold my temper and bite my tongue (edit, edit, edit damaging, killer comments that threaten to trip over emotionally charged lips); fold my arms and wait although internally I am jumping up and down with impatience. The honey of forbearance trumps the vinegar of impulsive, intransigent gratification.
It is no longer all about me or him but about us, therefore the relationship, the us, needs time and space to grow freely and organically. In this area, prayer is indispensable. When things are not going as I would wish, when I am upset or in despair, I pray for insight and strength to change myself first. I pray for His will to be done. Often, God honours my prayer, and Mother Mary comes to my aid. Hearts transform, pathways open up, the impossible is made possible. I am always amazed at His creativity.
While we are a couple, we are also our own people, separate individuals. There will always be a tension between the two as we forge couplehood. When do we compromise personal preferences and likes in order to foster a stronger marriage, and when do we keep nurturing our own identities in order to stimulate the marriage, this is something both P and I need to tango back and forth in one accord (we can naturally agree to disagree) - sometimes giving, sometimes taking. There is no perfect science to this save the sincerity we both bring to the table in wanting the best for the other.
Hunting grace moments
Married life is filled with grace moments, some we see right off the bat, others need keen detecting. If we take the time to look, we will also find those we take for granted. The consciousness examen helps me spot grace moments so that I can show appreciation and give affirmation appropriately, and frequently (something I am still learning to do).
Grace moments are like sacraments in that they are visible signs of inner grace and concrete acts of love. When these little light bulbs of divine love go off, they light up our world, and build bonds of love between us.
We are the ones largely responsible for creating our own grace moments in marriage, and when P and I both move in the Spirit, we create grace moments which often have a multiplier effect. People around us, especially our loved ones, benefit, for the effect is not just limited to the two of us.
Of course the best kind of grace moments are those that are completely unmerited, unsought and spontaneous, blessings from the One who loves us. Look out for those as well and luxuriate in them.
Through these last 12 months of thrills and spills, the one thing that has made it all that bit better is the laughter and smiles P and I have shared. P makes me laugh every day and has even taught me to laugh at myself, and not take myself too seriously. I thank God for this good man I call husband and I look forward to celebrating many more years with him.
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