Contingency lessons

The week started with me reading Father Ronald Rolheiser's article, A Lesson in Contingency* and I experienced one such If Only situation three days later.

I was actually fortunate for I have a near-miss of Father Rolheiser's stolen briefcase in a moment of inattention just Tuesday past, but my luck ran out the next day.

In a bid to demonstrate to a client what not to do so that she would not injure herself, I got hurt instead due to a complete disregard for my own safety.  In retrospect, I could see that I did not listen to my own body on many levels, hence the accident. I thought myself immortal, impervious to harm, and thus was foolhardy due to my impatience.

Now I am woefully sorry for I am limping in pain with a hairline fracture on my big toe, while the rest of my body creaks and moans in protest.

As Father Rolheiser counsels, both perspective and patience (so not my strong suit) are needed. I was filled with bitter regret and anger initially but I am grateful that it was not worse and it "in the grand scheme of things is, in essence, a mosquito-bite." And the over three-hour wait at the A&E for an x-ray and subsequent diagnosis was definitely an exercise in patience.

I like what he goes on to say about how incidents like this are also meant to teach us to recognize and forgive contingency.

"Philosophically, contingency means that, unlike God who is self-sufficient and perfect, we live with limit and imperfection. For us, every one of us, there will be moments of inattention, carelessness, accidents, stupid impatience, and moral lapses. The philosopher, Leibnitz, famously stated that we don't live in the best of all possible universes.

"Thus, there will always be lost purses, stolen briefcases, broken heirlooms, and, much worse, tragic accidents that result in lost children and lost lives. Sometimes too there will be moments of moral carelessness that we will also bitterly regret. We aren't God. We're contingent."

As this week has proven, I am vulnerable to errors in judgement and bodily hurt. But the silver lining in this cloud of contingency has been the love and concern of many people who have offered me succour in my time of need.

For that, I thank the One who is self-sufficient and perfect as I am not.

* http://www.ronrolheiser.com/columnarchive/?id=1061

Spiritual revolution

Last Friday M emphasized why we needed to layer on our life map (we are in chapter six of Margaret Silf's Landmarks) the moods and feelings we felt as we experienced consolation and desolation in the past for emotions are among life's most powerful drivers to action or inaction.

Emotions such as fear can override reason and will and cause us to act in ways where there is a disconnect or disintegration among our reason, will and emotion, showing up a personal compass that is wonky. That old chestnut from Saint Paul about not understanding what he does - for what I want to do I do not do and what I hate I do - features hugely here.

It was interesting that she brought this up for I have been feeling very stuck in a pattern of behaviour lately and been reflecting on what I can do about it to reprogramme my self to unite both desire and action.

I realized that there was a two-year period of desolation in my late teens that even now has a huge impact on how I view myself and how I react to situations and people around me. When I experience rejection, I run away and I shut down. I get very pessimistic and I give up easily. At times, I don't even try - out of my fear of failure.

All this paralysis does is paint the labels I had placed on myself long ago in fresh neon colours that shriek words like useless, unattractive, unlikeable, ugly and unloveable, a big fat zero in life.

I forget all my accomplishments and discount all my achievements. I mistrust the affirmations I have received and I doubt my gifts and talents. The inner awkward and ineffectual teenager rules my psyche and my life.

But today I was reminded that I can change history. I can wrest control from the old me and become this powerful woman that in many way I already am, it's just that I do not know it and therefore remain stymied in the mud of self-doubt like a statue rooted to the ground.

In the Gospel today, Jesus defines working for God or doing God's work as simply believing in the one whom He has sent: Jesus himself who is the true bread that gives life to the world.

As I have consciously pledged my life to Jesus, and been living out my faith in fairly radical ways especially in these last nine years, I HAVE become that fearless, untiring pilgrim on the road - I just happen to be taking slight detours here and there...

This was revealed to me in a conversation I was having with P over coffee this afternoon for we were comparing lives and it struck me that I knew where I was going and I was very at peace with my "mission" in life, whereas he was quite miserable and clueless as to what he should do next. It took all my inner reserve not to jump up and shout at him, "Jesus is the way!" thereby startling him, but truly I am grateful for the living faith that centres me.

To get back to that life-changing moment I had this morning, it comes from the words Saint Paul uttered to the Ephesians:

Your mind must be renewed by a spiritual revolution so that you can put on the new self that has been created in God’s way, in the goodness and holiness of the truth.

Thank the Lord for the wisdom of saints, saints who may have had chequered pasts but did not let that stop them from being the great men and women they were. A greatness that comes from living in the truth of God's love and living out that truth to others.

So, here I am, faced with the opportunity of a workweek that promises me time to do the things I have not been doing. I pray for the ability to go beyond my past desolation to work on believing in myself and my abilities so that I become the person that, thus far, I have only been dreaming of becoming; to make revolution a reality.

As tomorrow is the Feast of the Transfiguration of Our Lord, this week's intention of mine is a fitting one.

Uncovering hidden furniture

All  of us have hidden, inner furniture, hair-trigger points that can set us off without us even realizing it. We morph into crazy people and/or fall into a depressive state, wondering why life sucks so badly. We walk around in a funk, feeling drained and empty inside, driven to fill our days with manic activity.

We are now in chapter five of Margaret Silf's Landmarks, The Nettle-Bed and the Rose-Garden where we are encouraged to use the consciousness examen to help us track our moods and feelings to notice where our feelings of turmoil come from for these "feelings will have their ultimate source in something that is not of God, but has to do with our own kingdoms."

The inner furniture of our psyche mostly originate from past events that impact us negatively, sensitizing us to evoke unreasonable or extreme reactions from us that can hurt both us and the people around us when they unwittingly bump into them.

Often we are not even aware of our own adverse reactions nor are we able to pinpoint the actual triggers. There is often a huge disconnect between how we perceive reality and how others see it.

Two weeks ago A and D performed a powerful skit to show how the sometimes invisible furniture in our inner room can hold us in bondage and isolate us from the world.

As A stressed, our furniture will always remain in the living rooms of our psyche, but if we learn to live with them, keeping them in plain sight, we can eventually view them fondly as we do old friends and even use them to our advantage to help us grow as people.

"When we do not allow ourselves to be in sync with God and discover who we are, our internal structure 'WHO' becomes unstable. We then allow our experiences (inner furniture) to shape our world, making us unstable. Eventually, like the sinkhole, due to an erosion process, our top caves in. Our whole selves crumble."

Why bother acknowledging our hidden furniture and changing? Because if we don't, we will be unstable like sink holes with possible catastrophic results when we explode or implode, creating a depression in the landscape that can claim victims, ourselves included.

But if we bring them to light, we can pray specifically for wisdom to know how to deal with particular issues, the thorns in our flesh so that we can grow beyond our woundedness and become the men and women we were created to be, bold and fearless in loving, where God's power is made perfect in our weaknesses.

For it is only in God's light that truth is without bias, clear in its unvarnished state, and clear enough for us to see with the eyes of our heart, in order to make decisions with wisdom.

The recommended daily Ignatian Review of Consciousness is a powerful way to enable us to understand ourselves a little more (what are we feeling and why) and to take subsequent steps to change. What Doctor David Benner, last week, calls transformational spirituality. This is essential for there is a natural inclination to hide behind the barriers we create due to our hidden furniture.

Darkness is an uncomfortable refuge that we may have convinced ourselves is where we should stay. And yet, being in darkness drives us to pursue life in ways that may bring gratification but often without consolation. We remain in desolation, aching, hungry and yearning to be filled.

In Ignatian speak, as interpreted by Margaret Silf, desolation turns us in on ourselves, where we spiral down into negative feelings and give up on things that used to be important to us. We feel drained, isolated (even though we are the ones that cut ourselves off from others) and this negative state of being blights our entire consciousness, giving us tunnel vision and worse; we may feel like divers diving in miso soup where visibility is extremely poor.

Consolation, on the other hand, directs our focus outside and beyond ourselves. We feel connected to others and we are able to lift our hearts so that we can see the joys and sorrows of others. We have vision and new energy. We feel inspired and our creative juices flow well. There is balance and our inner vision is refreshed so that we can see where God is most active in our lives and where He is leading us.

Thus being in desolation or consolation is not the same as being unhappy or happy, neither is it directly correlated to the events of our lives but has to do more with how in tune we are to the action of God in our lives (assuming that we do desire to do God's will at all times).

A useful test to apply to our moods, Silf recommends, is to ascertain whether we feel drawn (to God in consolation) or driven (to desolation and away from God) when we respond to situations in our lives. Do we experience peace (from God), even in making difficult decisions, or do we experience unease and disquiet (not from God) when we take the convenient, easy way out.

In the innermost space of my heart, is it sinking and shrinking, turning to lead, a stone that cannot absorb the water of God's goodness (desolation) raining on it; or is my heart like a sponge, soaking up God's grace, expanding till it is big enough to contain other peoples' needs and light enough to fly to God (consolation)?

If we are able to track our moods, to see where we experience desolation and consolation, then we will be able to identify our inner furniture and use tools like cognitive behavioural therapy to effect change.

Most importantly the Review teaches us to lift our hearts up to the Lord in every circumstance and give thanks and sing praise. To direct the focus of each experience, good and especially bad, from us to God so that our hearts can beat in harmony with the heart of God.

Voicing beyond differences

Last Sunday, Father Timothy Radcliffe gave a talk on the relationship between priests and the laity which I found personally inspiring. He brought this complex relationship of priest and laity back to basics: baptism.

In baptism we can find the seeds of how we, the laity, can participate in being church. We are given many graces in baptism besides salvation, chief among which are the gifts of the Holy Spirit and the theological virtues of faith, hope and love.

Thus equipped, we can fully participate in Christ's threefold office of priest, prophet and king. The implications of this threefold office can be far-reaching only if we fully appreciate and accept the mantle we have inherited from Christ.

PRIEST
As Father Radcliffe pointed out Christ was a lay person who lived out his office of priesthood by representing God's love for us and ours for God. He was the "incarnate smile of God" and lived this responsibility of mediator beyond conventional ecclesiastical worship.

If we wish to worship as He did, we must go beyond the rituals of prayer and Eucharistic celebration to becoming ministers of His love in all our roles and relationships. To relate to others and call them "by the names that mothers call their children when they are not angry with them" (I absolutely love this description of a personal name).

When we connect with others in kindness or when we pray with an aching, despairing heart for those we love, we share in Christ's priesthood and we make His and the Father's love present in the world.

PROPHET
As prophets, we are called to witness by speaking God's powerful, creative and healing word which is at the centre of moral life. Out of chaos, God spoke and created the world. Likewise, we can speak God's word to bring life and order.

Father Radcliffe exhorted those whose lives are bound up with words such as teachers, writers, politicians and journalists to speak words that give life, sustain, encourage and empower. As Saint Paul said to the Ephesians in chapter 4 verse 29, speak words that "will give grace to those who hear".

So as Christians, we need to tell the truth without destroying people, "to be honest and not collude with prejudice". If we can do this, then we are living out our prophetic office as Jesus did his.

KING
"Being grown up means having a voice in your church, community or nation," said Father Radcliffe. We each have a responsibility to be a voice in the world that stops evil in its tracks with a voice that awakens hope and encourages peace.

Wherever we are placed in family, community and society, we can and must speak up or speak out to uphold our beliefs. As Father Radcliffe emphasized having a voice is more important than being democratic for democracy can tear organizations apart.

To exercise our voice of authority, one must first recognize authority as Christ did, He who accorded respect even to the blind and the lame. Formation is also important: to be founded and grounded not only in God's word and theology, but in the silence of prayer contemplative.

Implicit in formation is also an active interest and involvement in the world and how societies and their governments function, recognizing that we are all related in one common and universal humanity.

DIALOGUE & FRIENDSHIP
Cardinal John Henry Newman identified three forms of authority within the church:

* experience (personal devotion to God which we all have),
* reason (authority of theologians and experts), and
* government of the church (the hierarchy that keeps faithful to Tradition).

Among the three there must be balance where no one form of authority dominates, failing which superstition, an arid rationalism that puts out the fire of love, or ambition and tyranny would reign respectively.

While the Church must look at increasing ways to give the laity voice, which since Vatican II she has, we, the laity, by virtue of our baptism, must look at taking an active role in being part of Church and ultimately move together towards making an affirmative difference to the world we live in.

The relationship between priest and laity must begin first in friendship wherein lies the heart of Christian life: a friendship that flows from engaging in dialogue. Only by reaching out the hand of friendship can we not view the other as an opponent to be feared, bristling at the differences, but instead we can open our hearts and work towards understanding.

This idea of dialogue is one that extends outside the Church. With the way Father Radcliffe has defined the gift of baptism, it is clear that the way forward for all Christians is to embrace our humanity beyond the differences of race, religion and culture, not forgetting that Christ came to save all of humankind.

My challenge is to find a voice that speaks the creative, loving and healing Word while beating evil as Jesus did by "absolving and dissolving it" (great homily Father Romeo).     

Birthday giftings

I have never been big on birthday celebrations but as I get older, I have come to treasure them more for they have become milestones whereby I take stock of how I have been doing and a time where I re-dedicate my life to God and I ask Him to reveal what are His plans for me in the coming 12 months. This birthday week has been truly special for not only have I received the well wishes of friends and family near and far, but the blessings, prayers and affirmation I have received have been lovely gifts of the heart and point the way ahead for me. When one asks, one will receive and my pre-birthday prayers have received an answer through many means. Thus my vocation has been further refined and my spirituality further enriched. Everything I have heard, read or reflected on hones in on being Christ-centred by being anchored in the Word made flesh through dedicated prayer time. While I have been rewarded amply by seeing the fruits of my labour multiply, I cannot rest and grow complacent, and it has become clear to me that I have grown spiritually flabby. Despite the cruise control that I have been operating from, God has been generous with me and I have been able to be a positive influence in others' life, but this is not enough. I remember a lecture Father David gave last year about how we can still be instruments of grace in spite of our sinful state. And if we do not endeavour to grow spiritually, we may sink deeper in sin until our own souls may be in need of redemption even as we are a source of grace for others. Leaders and figures of authority, which we are all called to be, are especially vulnerable for they can still be key builders of His kingdom and yet can be blinded by pride in their own personal lives. They may think I have arrived. I have worked hard enough and all the good fruit I am responsible for must mean I am God's gift to the world. I can slack off. Eventually they slacken so much that they veer off the narrow path completely. To be truly God-centred, one must continually strive for integration of mind, heart and soul. This means having a robust moral compass that yields consistency in all our decisions, big and small, over time. Just as we cannot serve two masters, we cannot live by two standards: Gospel values and world values. We need to constantly check that we are steering True North, towards God all the time, in EVERY area of our lives. This means living honestly, with honour and integrity especially in the littlest things. The moment we succumb to the least bit of dishonesty, we will begin to rationalize our own behaviour and our conscience immediately dulls. I am always amazed at how I can feel extremely guilty over my bad behaviour and how I dismiss it summarily the moment I rationalize the situation. Black turns to white in a blink. Thus we cannot rely on our own resources to build our own little fiefdoms but must look to God to be the source and summit of our lives. Being vigilant and diligent in how we worship, witness and serve is vital, as well as keeping humble, maintaining a teachable heart always. Father Yim spoke about dedicated prayer time during the lectors' recollection last Saturday and I realize I have been relying more on mindfulness and praying whenever I have an opportunity throughout the day which is good but certainly not enough. He reminded me that ministry without spirituality descends into a job where grace is not fully actualized. And the only way to nurture my spirituality apart from dedicated prayer time is to meditate on the Word of God, attend at least one weekday mass besides Sunday mass and to go for reconciliation at least once every two months. He made me realize how much I have minimized spending dedicated time with Jesus. Yesterday Father Timothy Radcliffe spoke about the significance of silence and beauty in his spiritual journey and I was reminded that Christ speaks to me most profoundly and clearly in silence, and that the truth of beauty never fails to touch my soul. And so, a return to contemplative prayer is necessitated as well as frequent consciousness examens. I am excited and not a little scared of the road ahead for my immediate reaction is I am not capable or worthy enough. Why me? But I was reminded by Saint Paul last Sunday: My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness. As I have run out of excuses, the best answer to Christ's invitation is a simple yes. My gorgeous guava birthday cake with three flowers to represent the Trinity and serve as a reminder to let my gifts bloom and blossom forth. A heart to represent love which is my ethos in life and the light to represent the light of Christ, a celebratory light that was given to me upon my baptism. The tartness and sweetness of the plum powder reminds me that the sour sweetness of life taken together can become life's most delicious morsels.

Touch stories

Last Sunday Father Romeo talked about the significance of touch in his homily on the haemorrhagic woman and the raising of Jairus’s 12 year old daughter as both were healed with a touch.

As touch is my love language (see Gary Chapman ‘s The Five Love Languages), his homily spoke volumes to me.

While I do experience love in other ways, the one that speaks to me most is touch - I feel especially loved when my godkids plant unabashed, wet kisses on my face and give me bear hugs.

More recently I have learned to treasure the intimate touch of Jesus' hands on my heart. As I touch "the fringe of his being in prayer" (see Peter Kreeft's Lesson One in Prayer), I am given more hope for He loves me because of my foolishness ad foibles, more faith for He shows me how joyous goodness can be, and more love as He transforms my heart with forgiveness and uncommon courage.

One touch and I am healed.
The pain disappears in seconds
My wound stops weeping blood
I am clean. He makes me whole again.

One touch and I awake.
A death-like sleep has lost its hold
My head is clear and I am hungry
He calls, and I respond with joy.

One touch and I am restored.
The world is bathed in roseate light
My heart sings songs of life and love
He crowns my head with jasmine sweet.

Passion-driven life

I watched three great movies recently and what made the three stories so compelling is the common thread that runs through the three. They tell stories of life and the passions that drive people. Billy Elliot is about how a young boy who finds his passion for dance accidentally rises above his impossible circumstances to realize his dream while The Concert is about how passions do not die even though outside forces dictate their demise. They lay dormant until an opportunity arises for dreams to come alive once more. And finally Sixty Six is about the determination of a young boy to throw a lavish bar mitzvah party to mark his coming of age but his plans are thwarted at every turn. Although he does not attain his goal, along the way he finds new passions and also the love and affirmation he longs for in an unexpected way. To be fully alive, we need to be driven by passion. I am not talking about passion for things material or physical which I think is passion at its most superficial and unimaginative but about passion that drives us to create, to be who we truly are, and to impact the lives of others in bold, affirmative strokes or subtly indefinable whispers. Growing up I had no idea what I wanted to do. Even though I was steered in the right direction by "chance" and given many clues along the way, I lacked the confidence to keep at it and so I drifted into mind-numbing paper pushing in order to do the so-called right thing. Like Bernie in Sixty Six, I felt like a loser. I was miserable but balanced out my dissatisfaction by pursuing passions that offered momentary and pretty meaningless pleasure. Hence I merely existed because I lacked the courage to live, until I experienced great loss, the death of my father. Two light bulbs went off with this loss of life. First, I discovered that Jesus truly loves me not because anyone or anything told me so but it came as a real, felt, personal experience. In this true epiphany, I found my first and most significant passion: to love God with all my heart, soul and mind. The God-shaped space in my heart which I was created with was finally being filled when I gave my fiat to God. And it has been awesome ever since. Second, I finally cottoned on that in life there are no dress rehearsals. I only get this one chance to find my bliss. Everything on earth is created with a purpose, what was mine? I knew that I must live true to who I am in order to live meaningfully, joyfully. Only a passion-driven life would enable me to do that.  Saint Augustine said "Love God and (then) do as you will". As Peter Kreeft* explained this: If you truly love God and his will, then doing what you will, will, in fact, be doing what God wills. In loving God and His will, I have indeed been able to discern what are my deepest desires and passions. He created me so He must know what on earth I am to do on this earth. And so I have been following His lead ever since. Kreeft identified seven signs that tell us we are on the right path in knowing the will of God: (1) Scripture, (2) church teaching, (3) human reason (which God created), (4) the appropriate situation, or circumstances (which he controls by his providence), (5) conscience, our innate sense of right and wrong, (6) our individual personal bent or desire or instincts, and (7) prayer. He goes onto to advise: Test your choice by holding it up before God's face. If one of the seven voices says no, don't do it. If none say no, do it. Knowing is oftentimes the easy part, walking the path of passion is the killer, as Jesus himself found out. And yet, the only way to resurrection is death.  Following your heart's passion will present mountains to traverse; involve tears, sacrifice and hard work; and require truckloads of dedication, humility and courage. Plus people look askance at you, especially loved ones, who might even think you downright loony. There will be times when it feels like the whole world is against you. You may even give up for a while, but dreams never completely die as Filipov in The Concert found out. They can come alive again with a little ingenuity and the ability to face your fears. When young Billy in Billy Elliot is asked at his audition for the Royal Ballet School why he likes to dance, he describes his passion for dance as transformative, where he disappears into another world. He finally sums it up in one word: electricity. My good friend B describes her initial conversion experience as being zapped by God and I think this image of electricity and being zapped best describes how I feel when I am living out my passions, especially when I show God how much I love Him and thank Him for giving me my life.   * Peter Kreeft's excellent essay on discernment:  http://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/discernment.htm

Community

E who is hugely independent was sharing how loneliness can be a hard pill to swallow; like how she recently found dining alone in a  restaurant awkward and dreary. I can empathize for I agree that dining should be a social event where both the body and soul are fed.

My response to E's woes was community for she had identified that relationships were integral to a fulfilled life and a frequent anodyne to loneliness. It is not enough that we have friends but we all need a community (or two) to help anchor us and see us through the thick and thin of life.

Friendships are formed when people find common ground, similar tastes or interests that bind them in relationships. However, friendships can be loosely or tightly bound, depending on the dispositions of the parties involved and can dissolve quite easily. There is no formal commitment, only an understanding that is left to the emotional whims of individuals and the vagaries of circumstance.

Spiritual communities, however, are a little like families. There is implicit (and explicit, in the case of covenanted communities) commitment and each member has a responsibility to love and care for the rest of the community, contributing life.

Jean Vanier in Becoming Human defines communion (so necessary in community), as mutual trust and mutual belonging, as mutual vulnerability and openness one to the other. He goes on to describe the experience of communion as liberation for both, as both parties are "allowed to be themselves, where both are called to grow in greater freedom and openness to others and to the universe".

Mutual acceptance is what binds a community and when the group's common denominator is their love for Christ, this desire to glorify Him will (hopefully) subsume individual differences and be a unifying force that drives and grows a community. Along the way, real friendships are formed among members of the community.

While it would be naive to expect every member of a community or family to get on like a house on fire, we can choose to love unconditionally as Christ loves us. To consider each other as a child of Christ and accord the necessary respect and courtesies: to be patient, kind and loving with one another, and to forgive when forgiveness is called for.

The community that has sustained and helped me grow most these last eight years is the Woman to Woman Ministry. We are women from all walks and states of life who come together weekly to grow in our knowledge of self and Christ so as to be empowered and to live in freedom; and in turn, we can then empower others, building a civilization of love whatever we do, wherever we are.

Every week, I look forward to seeing my sisters, to celebrate our mutual love and joy for Jesus. I am always awed by their testimonies of how much God loves each one of us in different ways. Their collective goodness feeds me spiritually and I am given the necessary encouragement to keep Jesus by my side the next seven days until we next meet.

I am also less alone in the world knowing that I matter to people, good people who love me and bless me every day through prayer. And should I need spiritual support, it is there in abundance.

Another community that is close to my heart is the ICPE Philippines' community whom I encouraged E to visit for here is a lay community that has got it right. Placing Christ at the centre of everything they do, they are able to be powerful hands and feet of Christ in reaching out to the disadvantaged and marginalized in Tagaytay and Montalban.

Peter Kreeft describes joy, which we all seek in the depths of our heart, as more than happiness for it is not merely found in the body as pleasure is, nor is it merely found in the mind and feelings as happiness is, but joy is deep in the heart, the spirit, the centre of the self and the way to it is sanctity, loving God with your whole heart and your neighbour as yourself.

Whenever I visit the ICPE Philippines community, I am struck by how tangible God's love is and how palpable a presence the Holy Spirit has. Most of all, I am struck by the joy each one of these missionaries expresses not just when they are ministering to others but also in the way they live together as community. I am always inspired to be a better person when I am able to live in community with them.

Of course one can still experience loneliness within community, within family and even within marriage, for loneliness is a condition that escapes no human on earth. As Jean Vanier puts it, "Loneliness is part of being human, because there is nothing in existence that can completely fulfil the needs of the human heart."

Expect to feel lonely in life, but also expect that it can be a force for good for loneliness, as Vanier finds, "can become a source for creative energy, the energy that drives us down new paths to create new things or to seek more truth and justice in the world."

E, aside from all the great things you are doing to bless others with your gifts, I hope you find a new path that is lit with the joys of communion, with Christ and with others. In community.

Finding God

In last Sunday's homily, Father Arro reminded us not to be impatient, like the disciples who followed Jesus were initially. Impatience is practically endemic among urbanites for we are used to a fast pace of life that settles only for instant answers at a push of a button.

It was uncanny for I was just thinking about my own impatience the previous evening. Patience has never been my strong suit and it is to my regret that I have missed opportunities of grace due to my manic, task-oriented ways.

Because of impatience I have been rudely brusque, grouchy, stressed out, ungracious and inconsiderate. I morph into a robot focused on getting something done with disregard for others' feelings.

What's more, I am constantly on edge, unable to fully enjoy the present with the clock ticking inside my brain urging me on to the next destination on my list. I mark time instead of making time. There is scant opportunity to breathe and get lost in a moment of sublime grace.

As Father Arro pointed out, humans take time to grow physically, emotionally and spiritually. Life is a process, a journey, not a destination or a means to an end. Even Jesus took 30 years of preparation time before He began His ministry. We should, likewise, respect the process, our own personal life journey.

Although I know the key to working on my impatience and other personal shortcomings is to allow the Father to be my constant companion through every season, every day of my life, it is so easy to get caught up in the hamster wheel of life and jettison the painstaking cultivation of a God-centred disposition. Along with that goes the ability to wait patiently on God's time and I begin to go my own way, relying on my own will.

Whenever I choose to chuck God aside and dine on fast food of instant gratification and self-centred desires, life soon loses its flavour, it becomes meaningless, and sloth takes over inside of me. I lose the ability to find God in all things.

To find God in all things is at the core of Ignatian spirituality. Such sensitivity and exquisite awareness requires a mind and heart set on rhythms that operate on a different plane. Mindfulness - it's a much touted therapy today, but for many Christians, it is a way of life that helps us attain holiness.

Saint Ignatius knew that and his consciousness examen* helps yield an interior life that is resoundingly rich and independent of what happens in real life. The examen is a way for us to relive the day looking at it through God's eyes and to base our decisions on that inspired reality, free of our own prejudices, fears and weaknesses.

As Margaret Silf writes in Landmarks, transformation requires a radial journey inside to discover the truth or godseed. This radical change can only come with patience and constantly making time for the examen, for God, throughout the day. This is the heart of discernment. To know exactly what He wills.

It is only when I continually seek for God in my life that I am able to quell the impatience and let time unfurl as it will, enabling blossoms of grace to add fragrance and colour to my days.

When you find you are just racing through the day to get things done, do try and take a moment to stop, breathe, smile and say, "Thank you, Lord, I see you, Lord." In that moment, whatever you are doing will pale in significance to the moment that you meet Jesus face to face. In that moment, time will stand still.

Make time and you will find truth and life through God.

* To learn more, go to: http://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen/

Faith story

We are doing Margaret Silf's Landmarks this year and the book is like an old friend we are re-visiting. In one of the initial exercises we are encouraged to examine our river of life or our own faith story. To trace our inner journey through the outer events of our life and to be able to see how God touches our life, through people and events.

The ability to shed hope on the circumstances of our life, both good and bad, is possible when we allow the light of God's love to touch our heart. For it is only when we open our heart and trust in His love that we are able to transcend all the evil in our life and make the transformative leap into forging a future filled with inner peace and joy.

This is my faith story.

I When you sat in silent empathy as I shared My broken dreams and shameful past I was fearful my sins were too many and too sordid to be forgiven I could not forgive myself mainly For my monumental stupidity That was repeated endlessly But you did not judge. Emanating instead waves of healing love Enfolding me in a chrysalis of womb-like warmth. As I saw that first chink of light breaking through My self-imposed tomb, I was floored By the miracle of the metamorphosis I was undergoing. I now have wings, I can fly! All because you placed your undying faith in me. II I am deeply thankful for all That has ever happened in my life Every loss, every suffering, every indignity, every abuse, For gratitude allows me to advance beyond My instinct to remain stuck in anger and despair, Chained to the bitter past, a cripple for life. Gratitude keeps me humble,  Makes me glad to be alive To exact the best revenge of forgiveness Absolution of those who have sinned against me And even caused me to sin unknowingly. Lately, happiness has been my reward, As I regain the original innocence of my youth The joyous wonder of my sacramental self. III There were eleven teams of oxen ahead Ploughing straight for True North I pause, out of fear, for I am not sure If I have the gumption to go where they are. Each furrow is formed in buckets of sweat and tears Plus a heart filled with ultra steadfast courage. To be a prophet one has to have A hide thick enough to withstand All forms of calumny and persecution fierce. If they can do it, against daunting odds, perhaps I can, too. As I stand on the shoulders of giants, The communion of saints, dead and alive, People who staked their lives on a Triune rock foundation, I will glorify the One who was, is now and ever shall be Eleven teams of oxen plod sturdily on Beacons of hope and inspiration Bringing love and renewing the faith of the world Let me go where they go, journey in their footsteps, Shod in the gospel of peace and truth.

Just because...

Last evening I went for a walk with M in MacRitchie Reservoir Park before we were joined by J, N and A and went for dinner. We ended up altering dinner plans spontaneously and had a great time chilling and hanging out together.

When I said I would get dinner A asked, "What's the occasion?", I replied, "Nothing," but on hindsight I should have said just because... I felt like celebrating life and love, or perhaps it was the sight of the iridescent cloud or partial rainbow M and I both caught on our walk. It was an awesome sight!

A echoed B's words last Tuesday when I bought B a bunch of cream and blush pink gerberas. In fact, B searched around hard for an occasion to suit the gift. Hmmm...

Is there an occasion? Actually there is: life and love, or in a word, God. I so much enjoyed the spontaneous gifts that God sent me in Amsterdam that I want those around me to experience the pleasure of unexpected gifts as I did.

Increasingly I feel the transience of life as I get older and I grasp the import of almost every moment in my waking hours. This acute mindfulness, enhanced by my vacation in Amsterdam where time expanded to be filled with so much is something I wish to keep and so I endeavour to impregnate each conscious moment with meaning. To make every second count.

Last Friday A shared that she was again at a peak point in her life, a period of happiness and contentment that she never thought would be repeated in her life. Like her, I feel I am in that zone right now.

It's not that we are both on permanent vacation "shaking legs"*, nor are we impervious to insecurity, pain, dark moments or rude people, but I think we both have a sense of purpose in what we do and we try to be creative and faithful in accomplishing our mission every day.

A large part of that mission is to make the world a better place. It sounds vague but it isn't, especially if we open our hearts and minds to the opportunities that each day brings. Wherever we are on our own personal journeys in life, we each have the power to change lives and make a difference.

The ability to know what we have to do and to have the power to achieve it comes first and foremost from our relationship with Jesus. Living in His Spirit, the paraclete (Greek for comforter, advocate, helper and teacher); and following in His footsteps.

This evening Father Romeo quoted Meister Eckhart on the Holy Trinity seeing as it is Trinity Sunday, and I thought it was a vivid and beautiful  way of describing the relationship:

Do you want to know what goes on in the heart of the Trinity?
I will tell you.
In the heart of the Trinity the Father laughs and gives birth to the Son.
The Son laughs back at the Father and gives birth to the Spirit
The whole Trinity laughs and gives birth to us.

When God laughs at the soul and the soul laughs back at God, the persons of the Trinity are begotten.
When the Father laughs at the Son and the Son laughs back at the Father, that laughter gives pleasure,
that pleasure gives joy, that joy gives love, and that is the Holy Spirit.

This explains the joie de vivre I feel so aptly and it impels me to do as Mother Teresa did her whole life, which is to do small things with great love.

Be it buying dinner, or flowers, or doing what I need to do now, housecleaning, a not-so-favourite but necessary task, I do it for the pleasure of seeing someone I love smile.

Try it. Do something nice for someone today and if they ask why, tell them just because...

* Singlish for idling    

Loves of a lifetime

I usually catch up on my movies on flights and the one from Amsterdam back afforded enough time to watch quite a number of movies. Among the movies I caught were The Vow and We Bought a Zoo which are both based on true stories and both mention a once in a lifetime love. Both stories espouse marital love that is giving and fulfilling but eventually ends in loss in different ways. Despite the loss of these "great loves", both men find ways to deal with their grief in ways that re-define them, bringing them new life and new love when they let go of the past. I wept when I watched both movies for this is how love should be and I want a man who would love me as selflessly as the two protagonists loved their wives. We all search for this "great love". I thought I had it once but it was not to be. I still want this love of a lifetime for I am a romantic at heart. But, I also know the pitfalls of making wrong choices, for I've been there before. It is the wisdom of hard earned experience that prevents me from making the same mistakes yet again (and grace of course).  Neediness born out of loneliness is my worst enemy. However, I know I am fortunate that I am mostly able to sublimate my desires and needs by finding creative ways to love and be loved and we are not talking sex here for I believe sex should be a sacred experience with one's spouse that promises much more than the slaking of physical urges. My mainstay is God. He is my foremost and only soul provider. Even in the depths of aching burning need, if I turn to Him, He will provide comfort in ways that remind me of how much He loves me. And should I not feel comforted, I have the strength of the Eucharist, Scripture and Tradition to prop me up and see me through the tough times. People see keeping on the straight and narrow as boring and as desirable as a bilious affliction, I like it for it prevents me from falling too fast and hard into a self-inflicted hell. While some might say faith is just my crutch, my "opiate", I say better than being addicted to alcohol, work, sex or other vices. Plus, as an old friend observed recently, I am happy. Certainly he sees a big difference in the me now and of the past where I was always full of angst and dissatisfied with life. I see and feel a big difference in me, too but it's nice to have validation nonetheless.  Having an active faith has engendered in me a heart of gratitude which means I now see the glass of my days more than half full, if not overflowing, than half empty. There is much in life to laugh about, be grateful for and to give thanks repeatedly. I am always blown away when I do my examen consciousness at how I have been given much. Faith has also yielded me fruit of the Spirit in abundance. I have been given love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. As today is Pentecost, I pray for more fruit and gifts to blossom forth. The ancient Greeks knew a thing or two such as: Know Thyself. I am on a lifelong journey of self-discovery in order to play to my strengths and parlay my weaknesses into perfection by grace (see 2 Cor 12:9). As a serious disciple of Life, self-knowledge is key in order that I may chart my path and make my life one worth living every day. The ability to find purpose and meaning in life is what colours my world and lights it up. Thus, if I know who I am, the person I am created to be, then I can actualize my self and become fully human; my resolution this year and for years to come for I realize I will never be done but it's worth shooting for. Despite not having a great love, I have many loves, people I hold dear, like my mother, my brothers, relatives, good friends and my Woman to Woman community. They are an integral part of my life and I appreciate how each of them makes my life richer and fuller on a daily basis. So even if I never found the love of my lifetime, I would still consider myself extremely blessed. I already have my cake and am enjoying it, even without the cherry on top. Lastly I enjoy very much what I do for a living, using my talent for teaching, and this gives me great pleasure. I look forward to each day and it is gratifying when I am able to make a positive impact on peoples' lives. While my job is one of my passions, it is not the only one. I pursue other passions outside of work that are equally soul-satisfying. They also involve using my creativity in life-affirming ways which I like. A lot. And that makes me happy. So while I hanker after what I do not have at times, the truth is I have enough love to last me a lifetime and if I reflect a little more, I have what I want. It's just not found in one person but in many. As I believe in the Trinitarian God, perhaps I should expand my mind a little so that I can accept that my "great love" is real, living and mine right now.

Serendipitous surreal

I just returned home from a vacation in Amsterdam with my mother and a couple of good gal pals and I have a profound sense of gratitude for all that we received during the trip.

Sure, it wasn't "perfect" for I caught a cold, it drizzled occasionally, and I got us lost a couple of times but we all enjoyed ourselves, walking and eating our way around the city as we took in its charms.

We visited Floriade twice, the World Horticultural Expo that is held once every decade - this was the reason I chose to vacation in Amsterdam, and to fulfil a promise I made 10 years ago.

Our shared love of flowers was rewarded amply by the magnificence of the tulips and other spring flowers in Keukenhof and the wonderful floral displays and landscapes of Floriade in Venlo. That there was plenty to buy at great value in some of the country pavilions we visited made it even sweeter, and merrier (we are bargain-loving Singaporeans, after all).

The sights, sounds and smells of springtime invigorated us and I felt glad to be alive to bear witness to the beauty around me. When humans and God co-create, the world is indeed more joyously beautiful, be it gardens, art, buildings, canals or polders.

God's blessings were truly upon us the entire trip for at every turn, He guided us or sent angels our way to steer us back in the right direction when we got lost.

Then there was the sheer coincidence of a choral performance by the Pacific Spirit Choir in Begijnhof's chapel, the chance celebration of Israel's Independence Day in Floriade which we enjoyed tremendously, the Ceramics Festival in Gouda and an Ascension Day feast in the lovely restaurant De Kas.

Even when we got really lost, there were new and delightful things to discover - some of my best shots came from unintentionally meandering our way to Winkel 43 for the most scrumpelicious apple pie in Amsterdam (we finally got there via the shortest route on the third try).

Best of all, the bonds of love and friendship were tested and renewed, cemented by shared laughter and experiences.

Now that I am home, my eyes are still attuned to the beauty of nature and I have a refreshed appreciation of the tropical flora and fauna around me. This, for me, is perhaps the best thing about travel, the ability to look at things with new eyes and a heart filled with wonder.

And for all the moments of serendipity and grace in those 11 glorious days, I can only sing as Israeli band Habibi did in their closing number: Hallelujah!

Exiles on the way home

Yesterday evening E and I had a drink together, commiserating on how growing old can be pretty grim and a potentially lonely, painful journey. So it was natural to wonder what will happen to each of us when we single women grow old? Who will look after me? Will I die lonely and sad?

The way I deal with that eventual future is to not think too much about it and to leave it in God's hands for I truly believe He will provide. Plus, it is best to focus on what I should be doing today for I don't even do a very good job with the present. 

As Father Arro brought up in a recent Easter homily, we are an agitated people, like the disciples in the upper room, full of fears and anxiety and the best remedy is to meditate on the goodness of God. To rise up and meet Jesus; hear him say, "Do not be afraid," and to live in His smiles, the God-incidences of life. I am always amazed at how things that I worry about turn out fine even if it is not the way I would have imagined or wanted.

It is 50 years since Vatican II, an Ecumenical Council which brought about a change in how the Church saw her role in the modern world and attending a talk on it last week brought me fresh insights on how I should be living my life.

The heart of Vatican II lay in aggiornamento which is a movement to bring things up to date with a spirit of change and open-mindedness through ressourcement, a return to the source; to the traditions and symbols of the early Church. A study of history to effect change for the better.

I find this hearkening to the past a great way to move forward for learning more about my religious heritage arms me with a clarified faith that bodes well for the future, as does drawing lessons from my own past.

Reading Lumen Gentium, Light of the Nations, as recommended by Arthur Goh for Catholics who want to know what we profess faith in (out of the 16 Vatican II documents) has been inspiring.

Besides reminding us that God is mystery and that we are all called to union, a personal relationship with this invisible God through the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist, the document reminds us that we are pilgrims on the way, exiles whose true home lies beyond this realm.

Although we have to live with mystery, we have been gifted with the Holy Spirit and thus our faith grants us wisdom to answer the call to holiness (to be who we are), and to live in this temporary home with grace and dignity.

While it is instinctive to seek permanence in life and to fear change as detrimental, especially the changes wrought by growing older, if I view my current life as an opportunity to bring me closer to the Kingdom of Heaven, then I can aspire to do as Saint Therese of Lisieux did, "to spend my heaven doing good on earth", and I will not fear what lies ahead.

As for the pain, loss, suffering and loneliness that is to come, it too will pass, and home awaits.

God alone suffices

I finally caved in recently and bought an iPad2 for I saw how a number of my fellow instructors were using it as a teaching aid and for workout programming and I thought that it was a great idea.

Needless to say I have been using it for all kinds of other stuff besides work and it is addictive. eBooks, games... I really get why gamblers cannot leave the table, looking for the next big win.

In order to curb my compulsive habit with regards to a particular game, I had to delete an app for I have the willpower of a starving person standing in front of a sumptuous buffet spread. Not good.

Just because we can do something does not mean we should do it. There is a huge difference between can and should. Technology is a big culprit when it comes to making wise choices about how we use it for we seem to apply an "anything goes" attitude and a hedonistic morality.

The virtual nature of the web has dehumanized our decisions. We reveal intimate details about our lives with no thought for the appropriateness of our actions and its possible repercussions.

Loneliness or restlessness nudges us to communicate with others in chat rooms, but in such a manner that is often not healthy for relationships are often one-dimensional and predicated on feeding selfish, personal needs only.

Then there is the addictive quality of gaming leading to bizarre but real life stories of parents who let an infant starve to death for they were busy looking after a virtual baby.

There is no more space for silence to live or for stillness to breathe and blossom into a full blown "conversation" with our Maker that enables us to consistently see truth and meaning in our lives.

Instead we pursue things that do not satisfy and convince ourselves that more of the same thing is the road to our personal happiness.

Thus, I read with interest Pope Benedict's recent birthday homily and found it personally enriching. He spoke of three things that have coloured his life.

The first is Bernadette Soubirous, a poor, uneducated French girl who because she was "pure and genuine in heart", was able see Mother Mary who led her to discover a source of "living water", "water that gives purity and health", that is now the site of many miraculous healings in Lourdes.

The Pope goes on to elaborate:

I think we can consider this water as an image of the truth that comes to us in faith: truth not simulated but uncontaminated. In fact, to be able to live, to be able to become pure, we are in need of having in us the nostalgia of the pure life, of the truth that is not distorted, of what is not contaminated by corruption, of being men without stain. See how this day, this little Saint has always been for me a sign that has indicated where the living water comes from of which we are in need – the water that purifies us and gives us life -- and a sign of how we should be: with all the knowledge and all the capacities, which also are necessary, we must not lose the simple heart, the simple look of the heart, capable of seeing the essential, and we must always pray to the Lord that we preserve in us the humility that enables the heart to be clear-sighted – to see what is simple and essential, the beauty and goodness of God – and thus find the source from which the water comes that gives life and purifies.

The second person who has inspired him is Benedict Joseph Labre, "the pious mendicant pilgrim of the 18th century" who traversed Europe in search of all its shrines in fulfilment of his personal calling.

Pope Ben had this to say of his namesake:

We can also say: a somewhat particular Saint who, begging, wandered from one shrine to another and wished to do nothing other than pray and with this give witness to what matters in this life: God. He certainly does not represent an example to emulate, but he is a, a finger pointing to the essential. He shows us that God alone suffices, that beyond all that in this world, beyond our needs and capacities, what counts, the essential is to know God. He alone suffices. And this “God alone” he indicates to us in a dramatic way.

...makes evident that he who opens himself to God is no stranger to the world or to men, rather he finds brothers, because on God’s side, borders fall, God alone can eliminate borders because thanks to Him we are all only brothers, we are part of one another; it renders present that the oneness of God means, at the same time, the brotherhood and reconciliation of men, the demolishing of borders that unites and heals us

The third thing is not a person but the "Paschal Mystery". For he was born to parents who lived in uncertain times yet were open to God's will in their lives and imparted their singular faith to their son since his baptism on Holy Saturday.

On the same day I was born, thanks to the care of my parents, I was also reborn by water and the Spirit, as we just heard in the Gospel. In the first place, there is the gift of life that my parents gave me in very difficult times, and for which I owe them my gratitude. However, it is not taken for granted that man’s life is in itself a gift. Can it really be a beautiful gift? Do we know what is incumbent on man in the dark times he is facing – also in those more luminous ones that might come? Can we foresee to what anxieties, to what terrible events he might be exposed? Is it right to give life thus, simply? Is it responsible or is it too uncertain? It is a problematic gift if it remains independent. Biological life of itself is a gift, and yet it is surrounded by a great question. It becomes a real gift only if, together with it, one can make a promise that is stronger than any misfortune that can threaten one, if it is immersed in a force that guarantees that it is good to be man, that for this person it is a good no matter what the future might bring. Thus, associated to birth is rebirth, the certainty that, in truth, it is good for us to be, because the promise is stronger than the threats.

This is the meaning of rebirth from water and the Spirit: to be immersed in the promise that God alone can make: it is good that you are, and it is true regardless of what happens. From this certainty, I have been able to live, reborn by water and the Spirit. Nicodemus asks the Lord: “Can an old man be born again?” Now, rebirth is given to us in Baptism, but we must grow continually in it, we must always let ourselves me immersed in God’s promise, to be truly reborn in the great, new family of God which is stronger than all the weaknesses and all the negative powers that threaten us. This is why this is a day of great thanksgiving.

In this homily are all the ingredients to the richness of contentment in life, through all the travails of life: a faith that seeks God only, one that is pure, humble and simple, and therefore life-giving, like water. For God alone suffices because He is the light that "is stronger than any darkness" whose "goodness is stronger than any evil of this world".

I give thanks for his wise words and am reminded that new toys can bring pleasure, but the essential things in life can be found only when one is stripped of all distraction, pretence and worldly adornment. I would do well to keep my focus on God alone.

To read the entire homily, go to: http://www.zenit.org/article-34615?l=english

Light spaces

Ever since he came into her life, she is a woman transformed. She glows with womanly confidence, comfortable at last in her own skin for she is a woman loved with such tender intensity and kindness that she wakes up each day with eager purpose.

The chains of her less than enviable past no longer hobble her. She can live freely in the present, knowing exactly what her future holds, days spent in the company of a man who encourages her to dream big and walk tall.

She would follow him to the ends of the earth. Or to his death, as it turned out. His last days were marked with gross injustice, extreme humiliation and excruciating torture, when all she could do was stand by and watch in helpless desolation.

When he drew his last breath, nailed to the cross, all the lights went out and darkness ruled her world.

Unable to sleep, she crept out in the still inky dawn to visit the tomb where they had laid his body. As she approached the tomb, she saw that the huge stone covering the entrance had been rolled away. She hurried through the mouth of the tomb in alarm and cried out in anguish when she found it empty.

So wrapped up in her own grief she could not recognize his face, she could scarcely believe her ears when she heard HIS voice call out, "Mary".

"Rabbouni!" In delicious confusion and a growing lightness of heart, she hugged him tightly, refusing to let go for fear he would disappear from her life again.

Gently he removed her arms from around his waist, kissed her on her forehead and whispered, "Do not cling on," for he would always be with her, in ways she was yet to discover but would find radically life-changing and liberating.

I find this early morning visit by Mary Magdalene to the tomb, and her subsequent encounter with the resurrected Lord, captures the meaning of Lent and Easter for me.

While her journey from the healing of enlightenment into the darkness of death and loss marks the Lenten period; the words Christ utters upon their meeting is the invitation of Easter to go deeper into the light of the Resurrection.

Life is temporal and ever-fluid and as pilgrims on the highways and byroads of life, we would do well not to get too attached to things material or metaphysical.

Every day our beliefs are challenged. Old ideas must constantly give way to the new. I am not the same person I was yesterday, so why cling on to previous suffocating ways or former crippling attitudes?

In the daily struggle to sift out light from darkness, bad from good, equilibrium is a concept best reserved for academia: it does not apply to real life.

Just when I think I have got a handle on life, it escapes from my grasp like quicksilver. Just when I feel everything is smooth sailing, something will happen to curdle the cream of my contentment. That's the nature of life on earth - it is a bumpy ride with peaks and troughs.

But if I cultivate a faith that is constantly seeking to be reborn, malleable in its humility, the beams of truth will eventually illumine my senses, imperceptible at first, but undeniable as time goes by.

The glimmers of understanding that suffused MM's whole being with joy - as Pope Benedict preached in his Holy Saturday homily - is light that makes life possible and enables the possibility of many other things: the possibility of encounter and communication, in order that knowledge, reality and truth take form, giving birth to freedom and progress.

Light that is fundamental to creation. Pope Benedict says it best in his commentary on the story of creation in Genesis:

Evil hides. Light, then, is also an expression of the good that both is and creates brightness. It is daylight, which makes it possible for us to act. To say that God created light means that God created the world as a space for knowledge and truth, as a space for encounter and freedom, as a space for good and for love. Matter is fundamentally good, being itself is good. And evil does not come from God-made being, rather, it comes into existence through denial. It is a “no”.

Although my Lenten season has been one surrounded by darkness for everywhere I turn, I see death, loss, suffering and sorrow, the light of the Easter vigil candle reminded me that darkness does not reign, and death is not the end of the road but the inception of new life.

Like MM, I need to say no to clinging on and yes to space for light, so that His truth can breathe and live in me.

Following the leader

I realize that my last three entries are about prayer and at the risk of sounding boring, this one will follow suit.

Margaret Silf maintains that the more we pray, the more we realize how little we know - about prayer and how to pray.

She is right for I find praying, prayer, a real mystery and I write so much about it for I keep trying to make sense of it for myself.

I always feel that my efforts fall short for my mind wanders far too much for me to be able to say I actually sat in stillness successfully.

When I pray, I seem to have the attention span of a gnat and flit from one thought to another in a nano second. Why can't I get it right? And then there is the question what is the right way to pray?

Should I go devotional and pray the rosary? Or do lectio and reflect on the daily readings, maybe coupling it with an examen on the day's happenings? What should I record in my journal? And who do I pray for today and have I remembered everyone? Divine Office? Eucharistic adoration? Mass? Meditation?

Plus, most of the time, I never feel as if I had spent enough time in prayer for so many other things require my attention or prove too distracting.

I persist mainly because even in my imperfect prayer attempts, He is gracious enough to speak to me and impart words of wisdom. I am transformed by even the one minute I turn my heart inward and acknowledge His presence in my life.

My morning prayers help me set my focus right for the day: a Christ-centred mindfulness that steers my actions throughout the day. And prayer later in the evening assists me in connecting the dots of a day filled with seemingly random events in order give thanks for all that has transpired.

While watching TV last week, someone made this comment that the purpose of life is to live with purpose. Prayer is what guides and energizes my efforts to live true to my gifts and my calling. It is easy to be worn down by the daily grind or give in to despair when obstacles present themselves, so prayer is the necessary antidote.

Even though I will never be able to thank God appropriately or sufficiently in thought, word or deed, I will not stop trying, even as I grow increasingly lost.

As long as I follow His lead, I will, somehow, find my way.

Liminal grace

Liminality. Isn't it a beautiful sounding word? So lyrical. It comes from the Latin word limen which means threshold and denotes being in the space between two different existential planes. Think Alice down the rabbit hole.

In Week 4 of Open the Door, we were invited to explore the liminal space of the threshold that we may be standing in.

Life is a constant flow of changes and unsurprisingly, many of us are in the midst of a threshold experience, some more radical than others.

Joyce Rupp describes the liminal space between the old and new as a frequently disorienting experience,  a twilight time, "neither day nor night", and yet, it is a necessary stop to sometimes gather resources.

Most of the time, transitions are not the most comfortable spaces to be in for we don't yet know where we are going, and yet, the decisions we make will dictate the future quite significantly.

I find myself on multiple thresholds at this point in time. Some I have begun to leave, while others I am not quite ready to step over.

The hardest thing I find about moving through the liminal space is being able to let go of what does not work anymore (which in the moment I still want to cling onto only because it is familiar) and to brave the murky future with open arms and bare hands.

Control is an illusion I suffer from, that being in control, idling along in the stultifying shallows of mediocrity is better than venturing into the deep for that requires more courage and humility than I have.

Joyce Rupp recommends a heart of trust, one that is able to accept the mystery. God's mystery. Likewise, this is what Jesus encouraged Martha to cultivate when her brother Lazarus had died.

Many of us, like Martha, may believe in Christ, but how much we acknowledge Him as the resurrection and the life, especially when something bad happens, is the acid test of faith.

Paying lip service, but questioning Him at every step of the way demonstrates a faith that is still fairly nascent (just when I thought I was getting somewhere), and an inability to die to self.

As K reminded us last Friday, the only way forward is inward. In stillness. It is in nurturing our relationship with Jesus that we are given the gifts of insight, courage and perseverance amplified many times over.

His grace is always sufficient. But first, we have to seek it and to continue to trust in its mystery.