Pure loving act

I fell in love last Saturday. She is a cherub with an incandescent smile named Elise. There is something simply irresistible about the wide-eyed innocence and trusting naivete of a toddler.

To her the world is a fascinating place filled with people who love her. Her joy of being alive was infectious as she wandered around the hall trailing drumsticks, or as she lolled lazily on the floor gurgling unintelligibly to a song she recognized, or when she plonked herself into the lap of her mother's choir mate with seasoned aplomb.

Although she is tiny, her insouciant presence brought palpable delight and I felt incredibly blessed and privileged every time she flashed me a grin of pure joy.

This is who I am created to be - a trusting being, secure in the beauty of my God-image and -likeness, enrapt with life's gorgeousness and the abundance of love that cocoons me. So what happened?

Original sin. The primordial evil that entered the world and causes me to fear and thus to be self-centred in order to protect myself from betrayal, injustice, manipulation and envy.

It is the incapacity to give myself to God or others with an instantaneous, child-like openness until trust has been proven or earned.

It is also a disintegration stemming from my woundedness that impels me to act with less than honourable intentions and barely admirable behaviour most of the time.

Is there a way for me to go beyond my human guardedness and insularity, to love again as Elise loves? There is. Christ who is the way, the truth and the life.

In the incarnation, God fulfilled His covenant with humanity by choosing to be in relationship with us in a way that risked a vulnerability to outright rejection and active hostility.

This is the story of Christmas, the greatest love story ever told, of the birth of Immanuel (God with us) who came into the world to show us how to love to the point of sacrificing His own life out of love for us.

Because of Him, we can be fully human as He was. We can reclaim the ethical imperative of loving beyond human reasoning by forgiving unconditionally all the undeserving people and impossible situations we face in life, day in and day out.

Even though we live in paradise lost, we can re-create paradise on earth. By being a sincere gift of self, we can find meaning in our lives and we can find ourselves, and ultimately, happiness.

Jean Vanier, founder of l'Arche, an international network of homes for people with intellectual disabilities, in his book Becoming Human says:

"To be human is to accept ourselves just as we are, with our own history, and to accept others as they are...to accept history as it is and to work, without fear, towards greater openness, greater understanding, and a greater love of others."

While we may live in a world with vast abysses of distorting relativism, greedy consumerism, self-centred individualism and deadly moral decay, we can choose to be like God, to love as He loves, and to be loved as a child like Elise is loved, for the beauty of her pure being.

So Christ's exhortation to "love your enemy" is not mere obligation or some crazy Christian stricture, but an empowering movement towards being fully human and fully divine.

To be. Just like Christ. Pure being. Pure loving. Pure forgiving.

Designed for love

Last Friday evening we talked about fertility and whether the Church's stance on contraception was practical. Surely methods of contraception that prevented unwanted pregnancy and the spread of sexual disease were indisputably brilliant and therefore should be adopted.

Rather than go into statistics that show that the number of unwanted pregnancies has gone up with the proliferation of birth control pill usage, with the same upward trend when it comes to STDs, not to mention the increasing incidence of divorce and single parent families, let's, as Father David would say, dive down into the waters and look at the iceberg from below.

Go back to the fundamentals and examine human design. What is human nature?

Humans are designed to be in monogamous relationships. When we fall in love, we want exclusivity in a relationship. We want to be unique and special in the eyes of the other. We want to be able to share with this person, be intimate in a way that no one else can and we want it to last forever. (Tell me who falls in love with a view to moving onto the next relationship? We do want exclusive and forever.)

Out of this mutuality of love, we want to create life in order to enlarge the love we have for each other. It is written in our DNA for the perpetuation of the species but more than just a biological premise, humans are created to be spiritual, to develop their potentialities to the fullest, to transcend who and what they are.

Thus procreation is much more than just a mere bid at immortality but offers parents the chance to enrich their own lives and develop as persons. For humans are social animals and need other humans in order to self-actualize, whether it's physically, psychologically, intellectually, emotionally or spiritually.

Cliched as it sounds, it is the circle of life. All life has natural rhythms and seasons but it would seem that it is only the human animal that does its best to ignore this. Unique to humans is the freedom to will, but this can be a huge blessing or a curse of epic proportions.

The cultural dogmas of self-interest first, happiness forged out of freedom and the separation of mind and body have resulted in a culture of using, grasping and instant gratification.

We often forget we are subjects, equal in dignity and we are likely to use others for our own means, treating them as objects, whether it is to assuage loneliness, to combat fears or to pursue our own self-interests and build our own little kingdoms where ego-centric, hedonistic pleasures flourish.

We have lost the art of waiting, not appreciative of the fact that hunger whets the appetite; instead we'd rather dull our appetite by stuffing our faces with junk food fillers than wait for the feast.

Where we have gone very wrong is how we think and act about sex. We use our own body and our partner's body for gratuitous carnal pleasure. We treat each other and ourselves as objects to get off.

We have silenced the language of the body where the sexual act is meant to communicate and deepen an already spousal love, a love that is self-donating, unconditional, pure and faithful. Instead we abuse our bodies for cheap thrills and become slaves to addictive lust.

We even mistake lust or carnality as the pinnacle of human pleasure for we have dismissed the fact that love can be infinitely richer, satisfying and more beautiful than an orgasm per se.

However, life-giving love that invokes real happiness requires work and discipline but most of us are sold on the easy way and instant pleasure, and so we compromise.

Coming back to contraception, again, by human design, women have infertile periods each month, thus by using natural family planning (NFP which is 99% reliable if practised correctly* and needs only the one-time purchase of a thermometer), couples can choose when and how they exercise their generosity and prudence in building their families. So why is there a need for contraception?

Statistically, couples who practise NFP have a lower rate of divorce. Sure, a woman's fertility cycle may cramp the spontaneity of passion for one week, but pro-NFP couples are forced to work on other facets of their love relationship and this enhances intimacy and mutual respect which can only be a good thing for any relationship.

Just think, if you cannot restrain your libido within marriage (and marriage does not legitimize lust), what makes you think you can resist temptation when you are attracted to someone other than your spouse?

And if couples are not married and having sex, they are misusing the language of their body. The usual argument is if I am not hurting anyone and in fact, making someone happy, why not?

Like drugs, when you are a user, you lose your clear-headedness and become enslaved. Being an addict may not kill you outright but you are dead in many other ways - to common sense and decency, freedom and self-love, and the opportunity to find a love that really satisfies.

Going against our human design we blight our souls whether we know it or not in a Dorian Gray-like way where the portrait of our humanity is marred by hideous pockmarks of infidelity, broken relationships, abortion, violent sex crimes and sexual perversions such as the unspeakable horrors of child prostitution and pornography.

We lose the sense of sanctity that is inherent in our minds, bodies and spirits. We desecrate the blessing of our fertility and close ourselves to love as it should be: life-giving.

So what can we do about the spread of sexual disease? Safe sex is only the new prudishness and fails to get to the root of the issue. Lest we forget, there is no question of sex being unsafe if one is in a committed, monogamous relationship.

And for those of us who are not in a relationship, abstinence is not an impossible and harsh reality but a way for us to live out our sexuality honestly and be fulfilled.

We all value honesty in life, why not sexual honesty? We won't explode by abstaining from sex and chastity is not the worst thing in the world even though Oprah thinks it is.

And babies won't get HIV if their parents choose to live out the design of their bodies.

It is true that most people don't think of chastity or fidelity as virtues and have lost touch with the inner workings of the heart, but that doesn't mean we give up, give in and join the crowd.

An indication to me that people around the world still retain a shadow of understanding of how we are made are the K-Dramas I so enjoy and Bollywood movies like Veer Zaara (which I just caught and loved).

These shows are hits with audiences the world over for they speak of a selfless, unconsummated love that sees the lovers go through hell and back, sacrificing much for love before they finally come together in marriage.

Lovers like Veer and Zaara bring a nobility to love that leaves the audience weeping for we all want a self-sacrificing love like that: rare and precious, that goes beyond the boundaries of sexual love, meets adversity with courage and fortitude, and transcends time and social divide.

So don't settle for less. Uphold and exceed the beauty of your designed humanity. Forget about the rules and love as you were created to love.

In this personal journey you will find the true meaning of life.

* Read about studies that show a 100% success rate: http://www.physiciansforlife.org/content/view/192/36/

The Little Way

This weekend the Church of Saint Teresa celebrated the feast day of our patroness, Saint Therese of Lisieux for her feast day falls on October 1.

She is a saint after my own heart for she was well aware of her own imperfections and limitations but offered wholeheartedly to Jesus her littleness and poverty.

Saint Therese is the originator of "The Little Way" which, 138 years later, we are able to imitate and offer up whatever little we have in simplicity and love, knowing God is pleased even with the minuteness of the gift.

A young of girl of 15 who knew exactly what she wanted, she entered the cloistered Carmelite community in Lisieux, but barely before a decade was up, she died of tuberculosis at the tender age of 24, suffering greatly the last 18 months of her life.

I like that she was girly girl - over-sensitive, needy and weepy - and yet, it was her child-like love for Jesus that was her strength: she was trusting and obedient in everything she did and became known as The Little Flower of Jesus.

Despite her youth and simplicity, Saint Therese is one of 33 Doctors of the Church, and one of three woman, the other two being Saint Teresa of Avila and Saint Catherine of Siena, all recognized for having contributed significantly to theology or doctrine.

Hers is a spirituality that is easy to relate to and aspire toward: “Miss no single opportunity of making some small sacrifice, here by a smiling look, there by a kindly word; always doing the smallest right and doing it all for love.”

One of my favourite quotes of hers is: "I will spend my heaven doing good on earth." Simple yet so profound.

I used to wonder how a cloistered nun who did not live very long became the co-patron saint of missionaries (with Saint Francis Xavier) until I read that it was her desire to be a missionary but because of ill health, she was unable to do anything about it except pray for her missionary brothers and sisters in the far corners of the world.

She reminds me that the desires God plants in our hearts may not always take the conventional route, that there may be obstacles, physical limitations, but we should not give up, and instead, get creative.

Dreams become  reality only when we refuse to let them die, but at the same time, remain open to new possibilities of making them happen.

So when life gets overwhelming and you feel like you are at a dead end, ask for the courage and creativity of the young Saint Therese and imitate her Little Way.

Little by little, you will find a way.

Saving faith

Faith is a gift. But like many things we receive for free, it is not accorded the full appreciation it deserves. It is taken for granted and treated with profanity until it is subverted and sometimes even lost.

Being a cradle Catholic, I never appreciated the gift of my faith and saw it as a burden and even the abuse of my human rights: how could my parents have arranged for my baptism when I was merely 12 days old and in no position to give an opinion?

I believed in the idea of God but I didn't know Him at all. I saw organized religion as outdated and oppressive, and made no effort to go beyond the rudiments of childhood Catechism.

The sacrament of reconciliation was an invasion of my privacy for why should I tell my deepest, darkest sins to a human stranger who although a representative of God was still a man?

Prayer was an arduous duty. The Bible was filled with images of a strange, unfathomable God and a bunch of sinful losers - not a riveting read at all.

No pre-marital sex. No contraception. No divorce. Come on, we were living in the 20th century! I was a product of the 80s and believed in personal freedom as the supreme right of my humanity which ran right smack into the forbidding pillars of Scripture and Tradition.

Stories and bad personal experiences of religious who were less than holy further fuelled my cynicism and justified my belief that organized religion was a crock.

I checked out for 20 years although I dutifully went to church every Sunday for many wrong reasons save one: deep down I was desperate that God would throw me a lifeline even though I was drowning in a sea of misery, beyond redemption.

I did not reckon for the strength of purpose of the Good Shepherd and when I finally looked up and found Him (He had found me a long time ago and was just waiting for me to see Him holding out His arms to me), I knew I was home at last when I walked right into His embrace.

As Saint Augustine once said, "God who created you without you will not save you without you."

Learning to walk in my new-found faith was difficult and painful, but exhilarating and joyous at the same time.

I was constantly awed at the beauty and wisdom I found in all things RC even as I grappled with how I could incorporate the moral truths I discovered into my own life.

The "rules" were God-inspired and came alive when I tried them on for size and lived them out for an extended period of time even when I wasn't yet fully convinced of their veracity.

I was also appalled at how ignorant I was, and at how I had taken my faith so lightly for so long.

On reading Scott and Kimberly Hahn's journey to Catholicism in Rome Sweet Home I was humbled and heartened at the same time.

Humbled at the depth of their faith and heartened that God could inspire such passionate advocates.

Here were two staunch, good Christians, actively living out their faith, but because of Scott Hahn's thirst for truth, the "Bible detective" came to the realization that the Catholic Church was the one, true church and not the "whore of Babylon" he had been led to believe.

The challenged faith of this former Protestant minister saw him enrolling in a Catholic university and defending the Catholic faith against Catholics, irony of ironies, before he finally arrived home in the Catholic Church.

His and his wife's faith journey was one of copious tears, deep conflict, pain and much soul-searching. They lost friends and a promising future of their dreams. There was division in the marriage and both must have experienced great confusion amidst the increasing conviction of a new paradigm of truth.

Yet their faith never wavered and they both tirelessly and assiduously searched for the truth until it blossomed and became inscribed in their hearts.

As I continue to fertilize and water my faith, I can only wish for half their enthusiasm and diligence in cultivating a living and transforming faith.

Another hero of mine in keeping the faith and staying the course is Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a Jesuit who was also a man of science and a brilliant academic. He refused to abandon his faith and chose obedience to a church that condemned his writings and silenced him (his books were banned and he could not teach) during his lifetime. His was a faith beyond human understanding, just like Christ.

May I become an ardent and wise defender of the Truth as the Hahns, with the fortitude of de Chardin so as not to profane my gift of faith (ever again) and I urge all Catholics to ask for a "faith-seeking understanding" when it comes to the teachings of the Magisterium before making the decision to walk away from the goodness and beauty of Roman Catholicism.

Faith is only as powerful a redemptive blessing, deep and fruitful, as you will allow.

Why reverse carolling?

What would you say if I said reverse carolling? Will you have to sing carols in reverse? Or will the people living in the homes visited sing to the carollers instead?

I will be a reverse caroller this coming December when I go up to the Philippines to participate in ICPE Mission Philippines' Christmas initiative taking place from the 13th to 16th December.

Reverse carolling is a termed coined by ICPE Mission Philippines for their Christmas outreach. In the Philippines, it is common practice to give the carollers who visit your home a small cash gift for their efforts. However, the families that we will be visiting would not be able to do so.

So instead we will serenade them and leave behind the gift of a Christmas food hamper that will enable them to celebrate the birth of Christ with joy and full stomachs.

This will be the second time I am participating in this and I am looking forward to it for we will not only be visiting families living in the dumpsite around Montalban, but also disadvantaged families living in Tagaytay over four days.

I chose to do this this year for I know the Mission desperately needs muscle (each hamper weighs a ton, well, pretty much when you've been walking with two for a while) and it's been over a year since my surgery so I should be able to lift hampers this December.

We leave early morning after loading up the van with heavily laden hampers. When we arrive, we each take two hampers and break up into groups to visit the houses which are typically made of wood, corrugated metal sheets or cardboard and are cramped and dark. Many have no doors save for a cloth nailed to the top of the doorway that drops down to cover the doorway.

Before we leave the family with one Christmas food hamper, we will have prayed with them and sung Christmas carols to them.

The thing that struck me most the first time I got involved was how grateful they were that their presence was acknowledged by another.

A simple smile seemed to transcend the language barrier and make their day brighter.

So if you are looking for something meaningful to do this Christmas, give reverse carolling a try. You will get to stay in ICPE Mission Philippines' mission house in Tagaytay which is pleasantly cool.

If you are unable to take time off during December, a donation would be equally meaningful for SGD5,000 must be raised to defray the cost of 300 food hampers. 

Go to http://icpephilippines.blogspot.com/2011/09/normal-0-false-false-false-en-sg-x-none.html to see how you can get involved in this.

What better way to enter the spirit of Christmas than to give a gift from the heart that benefits many? And that's why reverse carolling.

What He wants

The body is intelligent. When muscles are tight, the body will automatically compensate such that you will accomplish what you want to do, except your muscles will not be working collectively in a balanced manner and you will not be properly aligned even though you think you are.

Over time, the compensatory movement will create a muscle imbalance that may eventually cause an injury or impact the skeletal structure negatively.

Likewise, our mind can play tricks on us when we deal with trauma, unpleasant truths or our own voracious need for love.

Sometimes, the lies we tell ourselves are a necessary self-defence mechanism in order we survive, however the danger is if we remain in the lie and perpetuate unhealthy patterns of behaviour that we cannot see and shake off.

When it comes to love, we all have this propensity to behave in ways that demonstrate a tenacious compulsion to fashion relationships that feed our own inordinate needs and desires.

We are unable to see or act with true self-giving love, that is, to love in a way that is objectively good for the other person and not what WE THINK is good for the other or our own self, with no expectation or hidden agenda.

It's usually a little (or a lot) self-serving for we are often unable to love in a way that is free of self-interest, or salutary for ourselves.

We grasp. We bend over backwards. We get enmeshed. We over-compensate. We rationalize co-dependent or abusive relationships, and our own and others' toxic behaviour.

We manipulate. We obfuscate. We isolate ourselves. We lose truth in our lives, and consequently we lose our way; we lose self-awareness and even our sense of self.

Last Friday evening we talked about marriage, and love - how love should be prophetic and liturgical.

We agreed that the marriages we saw around us that were successful were those where the couple was centred on God and His plan for them. It's all about what He wants, not what he or she wants.

The same holds true for those of us who are single, or more precisely, for everyone.

Within each of us is the call to love and be loved, but how we answer the call makes all the difference between a love that is life-giving or poisonous.

As Father Bernard Lonergan states, "Heirs of original sin, people come into the world as divided creatures, gifted with the love of God, being in love with God, but victimized by ignorance and concupiscence."

Because of original sin, we will tend toward sin and we will sin. It's inescapable. But we can minimize sin, just as we can train our bodies to proper recruitment of muscles and better postural alignment.

Through the continued effort of hard work: educating ourselves, shedding our ignorance by looking for a more edifying way of living life; and acknowledging shortcomings yet being willing to effect change.

An additional way to cultivate wisdom involves daily examen consciousness or self-reflection,  regular time spent in prayer, meditating on Scripture and persistent journalling (patterns of behaviour can be seen more clearly over a period of time).

For as JPII proposes, we are made to spend time in solitude in order to discover how we can enrich our relationship with God by hanging out with Him, and consequently to be fed emotionally and spiritually, growing in wisdom.

Seek counsel from wise and mature spiritual guides, or listen to the opinions of trusted friends. I even consider remarks made by people who are not life-giving for a hint of truth may lurk in the midst of malice.

Journeying with a community of like-minded, committed Christians has also made the difference for me. By being honest and open with those who love me and want what's best for me, I am able to cast light on my secret, shameful weaknesses and move forward into transformational strength.

When we aspire to love as Christ loved, and loves, we love prophetically, reflecting His love to others.

We are able to share the truth of friendship* with love and sensitivity; remain compassionate and patient in the face of blind obstinacy; and uphold a high moral standard with humility and without being judgemental.

We love liturgically when we praise the Lord in all situations, in all things. When we worship with the exuberance and joy of Psalm 148.

This means elevating the unpleasant, mundane and dreary by imbuing a sense of caring pride into all we do. Not only by doing small things with great love but by keeping faith and finding blessings even in disaster.

Releasing tight muscle and harmful "love" behaviour are equally painful and difficult but there is hope when we attempt to love with JPII's "original nakedness"; with vulnerability and openness that is untainted by fear, distortion and subterfuge.

Whether it's peers, friends, spouses, parents, siblings or children, let us ask God today to purify the love we receive and give in all our relationships, and restore them to wholesomeness.

* A. echoed Bernard Cooke on friendship: "Human friendship is the most basic sacrament of God's saving presence among us".

Family benefits

Human beings are social by nature. This means that there is a given pattern of human design that we all feel called to fulfil; and which if we ignored would mean that a dimension of our humanity would remain undeveloped.*

Only in society, interacting closely with other people, can we fully develop as persons.

The first stratum of society we are all exposed to is our own families. Therefore our first training ground in learning to become human is within the family - as child, sibling, grandchild, niece or nephew, cousin, and even aunt or uncle in big, extended families.

As we enter school, we develop friendships with our peers and we find mentors in our teachers. And when we transition into adulthood, we become colleagues, employees, managers or employers - and citizens.

To complete the circle, we eventually become spouses and parents ourselves.

At every stage of our life, we can weave in and out of various social circles of our own choosing. And yet, we can never lose the familial relationships established in our childhood even if we deny their existence, finding them lacking and onerous.

I found this great quote by Father Granados, my TOB lecturer in Melbourne, that proposes JPII's TOB is, "not just about sexuality, but about the truth of love as the foundation of the person’s dignity and the meaning of reality; and about the family as the place where the person finds himself and his way towards happiness."

It is in our families that we learn how to be patient, kind, forgiving, honest, generous, caring and all the other qualities that define a person as good or a decent human being. It is where we first learn how to love.

Upon my return from studying abroad, I found living at home quite impossible for I was used to living my life without the restriction of obligation and the tension of family dynamics.

I was dismayed for I found myself regressing into this grouchy, crazy person when I thought I had become a fairly amiable and collected woman.

In learning how to live in the pressure cooker of dysfunctional and broken relationships, how to deal with hateful situations, I had to face up to my own flaws and deficiencies, resolve my own demons in order to fashion my own happiness within the parameters of the family structure.

Reality can bite, especially the reality of unhappy family situations and ridiculous relatives, but I wouldn't trade mine in for each one has helped lick me into shape: I am a better person because of them.

So if you want to grow spiritually and emotionally, you don't have to travel far. Just learn to love your family at close range and you will get there.

After all if we don't strive for harmony within our own backyards how can we hope to broker world peace?

* From course notes of the social justice module of Personal Compass.

REDEEMED CREATION

Inscribed in my body is the desire
To love and be loved. It burns in my heart,
Soul and mind an insatiable fire
That can only be slaked when I'm a part
Of He who made me - in deep communion.
The world spins a candy floss existence
Spurning solitude and naked union.
Until I turn from its sly insistence,
I can't fathom my reason for being,
Getting lost in isms so unseeing.
Eschewing the Beatific Vision
Leaves me with a meagre sense of mission.
But redemption of my sexuality
Can be the grace of my mortality.

LISTEN
I know you've known me all my life, while I
but recently tasted the sweet pleasure
of your presence that I truly treasure.
I can't help but want more of you, yet I
get distracted so easily, a curse I
can't seem to shake: spiritual ADD.
Most attempts at prayer are mere parody.
A litany of needs and wants that I
recite swiftly with no real conviction.
How do I invoke this gripping passion?
Breathe and live your commitment and vision,
Experience love as more than a notion.
Is it in the silence you sought constantly?
Perhaps I could learn to listen as keenly.

Life compass

Last Friday evening we were discussing how difficult it was to put into practice what we have learned from our study of TOB.

What if the people around us did not believe as we did, especially the people whom we loved?

How do we "preach" the good news of TOB, living as we do in a world that idealizes a very one-dimensional understanding of love and promotes instant gratification of sexual lust?

A. reminded us the TOB is like a new lens we are invited to view life through and in using this lens more and more, we will make personal choices based on the clarity of truth that will eventually affect those around us.

The way we carry ourselves - how we think and how we act - will bear witness to our beliefs and spread the message of self-donating love, rather than through any conscious effort to change minds and hearts.

TOB as a way of life is an invitation to self-awareness, to a more incisive understanding of our own human design and nature that enables us to realize the desires of our heart and in turn, to be happily fulfilled.

We are all born to transcendence, to become more than what we are now; to grow spiritually and find the real meaning of our individual lives as it is lived interwoven with the lives of those we love and live with.

I agree with my W2W sisters that it is tough. Living and breathing TOB does involve a process of multiple transformations that takes time and hard sacrifice initially. As with anything else in life, practice makes perfect.

I just attended a class last night and the topic was work: it is part of the nature of man that we have to "toil" in order to be fed. So why should it be any different for spiritual food?

Being proficient at anything takes hard work, but there will come a time where it becomes easier and things will be a cruise.

One of the fears of living honestly or with integrity is that no one else is doing the same so you will be a loser by choosing to live differently. To misquote Luke, is losing such a bad thing if we lose the world by find ourselves?

Plus, there will be others who think like we do, we just have to be bold enough to be upfront and let the light of truth shine from our hearts and this beam will find the glow of others' truth beams and blaze a unified brightness that will light up the darkness, making night day.

Having bought the TOB message and lived it for a couple of years now, I no longer struggle as hard as I did previously. There is a payoff:

I like that I am no longer confused or unsure of myself but am growing more confidently in my sexuality as woman.

I know I have much to offer to the world and I enjoy what I am already giving.

I look forward eagerly to becoming more and giving more even though I know there will be times I will bemoan the "painful toil".

Above all things, if I defer to the Captain of my ship to tack my course, I know I will weather even the fiercest storms and TOB is a trusty compass that the Captain has bestowed on me to help me navigate through life.

Try it.

Turning the other cheek

It is no accident that the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 disaster should fall on a Sunday where the readings are on the practice of forgiveness.

Can we forgive the destruction and death wrought 10 years ago that was so unthinkably devastating?

We are told that resentment and anger are "foul things, and both are found with the sinner" in Ecclesiasticus. The writer further reminds us that if we wish to be forgiven ourselves, we must choose to forgive others. For God always forgives, His covenant with us a sign of His unending mercy

While Saint Paul reminds the Romans that "the life and death of each of us has its influence on others" and to therefore "live for the Lord" and "die for the Lord", for we "belong" to Him.

Finally Jesus himself tells Peter that we must forgive not seven but seventy-seven times. In other words, always.

This teaching on forgiveness is hard to swallow and even more difficult to carry out when we come face to face with evil or suffering.

In instances of extreme evil or destruction, whether natural (today is also the six-month anniversary of the tsunami that devastated Japan) or human-induced, we even question the existence of God, which interestingly enough is what convinces Aquinas that God exists.

God does not cause evil directly but He allows evil in order to bring good from it.

We are created good (being created in His image) and by virtue of this goodness, the human spirit has the capacity to triumph over evil.

The human capacity to love, to hope and to believe is infinite. This is what propels us forward: to pick up the pieces and rebuild something good out of what evil has reduced to rubble.

To go beyond fear, despair, bitterness and anger; to find healing and to find a way to live with peace and inner joy.

To forgive is to find new life by letting go of the past and not let it control our future actions in ways that diminish us.

It invites us to define how suffering has changed us and to discover how we can rise above our suffering and ourselves: to make limoncello out of lemons.

In the Linns' book Don't Forgive Too Soon Extending the Two Hands That Heal, they offer an enlightening interpretation of what Jesus means when He tells us to "turn the other cheek" (Matthew 5:38-42).

Rather than accepting violence submissively, turning your other cheek signals that you are "reclaiming your dignity" and communicating "that you refuse to be humiliated". How so?

In ancient times, the left hand was reserved for unclean tasks. Hence when a master were to strike his slave, he would backhand the slave with his right hand and hit the slave on the right cheek. Backhanding people signified a position of power and superiority.

When one presents the left cheek, ass Jesus advised, the person who is striking you would have to punch you to hit you again with his right hand.

Punches are thrown only among equals so in receiving the punch of your attacker, you are saying I will not resort to your violent ways but I am equal in dignity to you.

Non-violent engagement in dealing with evil requires forgiveness which is a process the Linns see as similar to Kubler-Ross's stages of dealing with death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

It demands of us creative ways of stopping the evil by resorting to means that communicate we will not cooperate with evil but that we are reacting in a life-giving manner that will not perpetuate violence but rapprochement.

We must never forget that evil does exist and that our lives will invariably be touched by its insidious malevolence.

We can, however, honour the past by choosing goodness, and deal with evil actively in the way Jesus exhorts us to - by turning the other cheek and saying no to oppression, hate, "dissolution and death".

Judgement calls

In today's readings we are called to speak truth into the lives of those around us, to point out their sins, for if we do not, then we will be held "accountable for their blood".

Yet we are also reminded that love is the driving force behind all the commandments and that we should nurture a love of neighbours.

A tall order for to be humbly righteous without being judgemental, truthful yet lovingly so and on top of that, to know when exactly to voice your opinion is mighty tough.

I grew up in a family of opinionated and legalistic people so to pass judgement on others is a skill that comes only too naturally to me.

On the positive side, I do have a fairly well-developed sense of right and wrong and given that I am aware of my judgemental streak, I do manage to actively censor the worst of the highly critical comments that pop into my head unbidden.

What I find humbling and highly amusing (yup, it's confirmed, He does have a bona fide sense of humour) is when I get outraged at how others behave and I turn the situation around in my mind, He often reveals to me a situation in which I have behaved in exactly the same manner.

Who am I to cast the first stone?

What I have learnt this year is that we should never judge people, just their actions. And even in this regard, we need to look a little deeper at the person's intent to make a more accurate assessment of any given situation.

The standing joke in class when we are asked to judge a situation is that the only answer we should give is, "It depends".

Plus the only conscience we need worry about (as Father David pointed out so fittingly) is our own, and that alone will keep us fully occupied for our own redemption depends on our choices in life, and you can bet your life that we will screw up no matter how "good" we are.

Having said all that, there are universal principles that govern morality: what is right and what is wrong and often we are reticent in proclaiming our belief in these principles for fear of being thought a persnickety prude. I know I am often guilty of keeping silent because of this.

It takes prudence and guts to be able to tell it like it is, yet do it in such a way that the other person is receptive to the message.

As Saint Paul said to the Romans, "Love is the fulfilling of the law", so love is supreme. This means being open to the movements of the Spirit and to let that be the guide for Jesus is always loving and never manipulative (as humans can be).

Being a good Christian is not about being popular or nice, it's about being loving, and that sometimes involves being a "watchman" or a party pooper prophet.

In order to make the right judgement call, we need to grow in wisdom, and the best place to start is with "fear of the Lord". (Proverbs 1:7a)

Luncheon challenge

One of my worst nightmares is to be put into a roomful of strangers who know each other well and I found myself in exactly that situation last weekend, with the exception of my good friend who had invited me to lunch.

I was extremely uncomfortable and knew I would be but went anyway because I love M. and wanted to celebrate with her (plus I had not seen her in a while). I also have a masochistic streak in me and like to challenge myself.

I came home with a tension headache.

So this made me ask myself why I had such an adverse reaction? Why was I so stressed out? There were a number of reasons:

*  I am an introvert who enjoys being alone; never bored with my own company.

*  I hate small talk for I find it meaningless and therefore am quite bad at it.
*  I was painfully shy as a teenager because I had low self-esteem and I have never really outgrown the awkward, gauche girl I was.

Yup, I am socially inept although I have learnt how to get by most times. Although last Sunday was not one of those times and I felt I was failing miserably, hence the headache ("Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go and eat worms...").

It is quite disgruntling to note that I can still be a prisoner of my teenaged angst-filled years where I felt like an unloved, weird misfit.

And yet, I know that this is who I am and I am still learning to embrace my own unique shortcomings and weaknesses.

We are bombarded daily with messages of  how we should look (slim, youthful and sexy) and what will make us happy (more designer stuff, living the high life with an adoring good-looking, rich partner, etc.) and it's so easy to fall into the trap of self-loathing for how many of us actually attain the celebrated ideals?

And if we do, can we hold on to them or do they turn out to be illusory and too transient for lasting happiness?

This is where I feel blessed to be grounded and centred on Christ. One of my greatest esteem-boosters has been my affirming relationship with Jesus for through Him, I know what's important  in my life.

As Saint Paul said to the Colossians: "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."

With Christ, I know I am loved for who I am exactly where I am, without having to lift a finger to prove anything. He also points me in the right direction and best of all, I don't have to be perfect to attain my goals.

The journey is definitely more significant than the destination and if I maintain the right disposition and attitude in life, pointing towards Christ always, I will be near perfect in my bumbling, surly social persona. And even when I fall.

So when I do fall short of my own expectations, I remind myself it's okay, I am still loved, and not to get into a self-hate downward spiral about it.

At the same time I recognize that there is always room for improvement. As my aunt L. was fond of saying: Be content with what you have, but not with what you are.

Maybe the next lunch with strangers will be easier. I will be "better". Let's hope so for I am going for two separate luncheons today to celebrate Eid with friends.

Update 5:30pm: I enjoyed myself at both places - the food and conversation with strangers were equally good. Yay!

Life and death

I've just finished the module on bioethics and when we covered end of life, it brought back memories of journeying with my father and also with a friend, A.

Vestiges of grief still cloud my heart even though it will be eight years to the day that my father departed.

Whether dealing with issues like contraceptives, IVF, abortion, organ transplants or euthanasia, the same principles hold:

*  Good ends do not justify evil means.

*  The objective good of the human person is to be respected over the private best interest of the individual.

*  Equal dignity is accorded to every person regardless of whether he or she has a voice (this includes the embryonic and comatose) or state of life (young or old, rich or poor).

Obstacles to acceptance of these principles are utilitarianism and Cartesian dualism where human life is measured by functionality and we tend to think we can treat our bodies as objects.

This has led to a disregard for the inviolability of human life, especially in the womb and at the end of life.

I am glad I have the principles written above to guide me through life for I have seen firsthand how easy it is to make wrong decisions out of fear or guilt when it comes to the process of dying.

It is tough to watch someone you love suffering and dying a slow death before your eyes.

As you support them in their fight against death, agonizing if treatment decisions made are the right ones (at what point does the treatment from curative become palliative), you also combat a mix of fear, grief, anger and guilt that course through you, the helpless bystander.

You wish their suffering would end yet you are not ready to let them go in the arms of death for you fear you will never recover from the loss.

One of the reasons why people subscribe to euthanasia is because they do not want to be a burden to those around them. They may see their existence as meaningless for they are no longer functional and they want to end their suffering.

I was privileged to journey with my father who was always courageous and looked life, and death, straight in the eye.

One of his greatest fears in life was to be a burden on others for he was a proud man. Yet in his battle with cancer which I would consider humiliating for someone who was so fiercely independent, he abandoned himself to God and in the process found strength to face death with inspiring grace.

Never once did he contemplate giving up fighting the disease. At the same time, he wisely knew that his time on earth was in the hands of the Almighty, to the second he drew his last breath.

Watching how A suffered the indignity of being a guinea pig as she desperately sought a cure to the end made me resolute that I would do my best to choose the truth, no matter how unpalatable it is.

I have made known my wishes to family and friends that I would not wish for disproportionate means to be used to keep me alive, in the event I am unable to make the decision myself.

I am also very clear in my mind that suicide is never an option no matter how tough my life may get. God willing, I will be given the strength to maintain this stance should I be faced with great suffering.

My greatest wish is that I will be my father's daughter to the end: living life meaningfully and dying with undying faith.

Of love and marriage

In Theology of the Body, marriage is used as the icon that best exemplifies the kind of love God has for us and created us to experience in union with Him.

A love that is free, total, faithful and fruitful.

The idea of marital love is hard for many of us to grasp, especially those of us who are not in that state of life.

In the current W2W group of 14 women, only two are married. So how can the rest of us live out TOB?

Some of us have found it hard going in accepting this icon and applying TOB to our lives for our understanding of love and marriage is shaped very much by culture and tradition.

I initially thought that if I am not married I will not be able to live out the God-meaning of my body fully, that I am only able to be a self-donating gift to another in marriage.

While the example of marriage is supposed to best describe the strength and purity of love we are each called to receive and give, it does not mean that being single, I am unable to fulfil or experience this type of love.

It does not mean that I am doomed to an existence of loneliness and sexual frustration if I remain on my own.

What I have had to do in order to crack the conundrum of the spousal meaning of my body as a single woman is to understand the vocation of marriage differently.

That I am first called to an intimate, spousal relationship with the living God. To live out that free, total, faithful and fruitful relationship that Jesus Himself had with His Father.

It has meant flying in the face of popular thinking (not easy), that a woman needs a man to be delivered of loneliness and that it is better to be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all. Or being single is a sad and lonely existence.

Why else do women stick out abusive and dead-end relationships for years? Or value relationships with men who are not good for them?

I must admit I do fall into the trap of sometimes wanting the perfect Hollywood ending of woman gets hero and sails off into the sunset in his arms, but I know it's just a romanticized depiction of love that is more wishful than realistic.

Plus I have experienced the fruits of a close relationship with Jesus and it's been awesome.

I know I am deeply loved as a woman and that has built my self-confidence and given me a sound sense of identity.

My life has meaning because I am utilizing my gifts in ways that bring me great satisfaction and joy.

There is the coherence of truth and the beauty of integration in who I am.

All this because I've allowed myself to be loved and respected as the bride and sister of the Bridegroom in Song of Songs.

It is hard to surmount the cultural mores of society to embrace the true dignity of our identity as man or woman, as we were each uniquely created, but JPII's wisdom has helped me recognize it increasingly.

TOB may not be an easy message to internalize but once it happens, love follows and it all makes perfect sense.

Love and marriage can be mine today and I do not have to wait by my window, waiting for my prince to come.

He is already here.

Uplifting thoughts

E asked me how do I keep uplifted all the time. It made me smile for I haven't felt much like a happy camper lately.

July has been a difficult month for me: visitors, a gruelling 10-day course, vertigo (for the first time ever) and severe back pain have reduced me to permanent dark eye circles and perpetual grouchiness.

Maintaining a normal, placid exterior was tough but what helped me, as in all less than ideal situations I've faced is knowing that it would pass, and to have been given the grace to keep limping along in the meantime.

Perspective is a great teacher. I have been through worse times in my life so this was a walk in the park in comparison, miserable as I felt.

Plus, even when the going was bleak in recent times past, my faith kept me going. knowing that Jesus was walking with me every step of the way, cheering me on and comforting me when I needed a shoulder to cry on by way of caring friends and kind strangers gave me the heart to persevere.

The power of my faith lies in my living relationship with the Trinitarian God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

In last week's Bible Timeline talk, the topic of commandments came up and rather than looking at commandments or Church teachings as hampering and enjoyment-curtailing dos and don'ts, one should consider them in the context of covenant and relationship.

Until I understood my faith in terms of a covenantal blessing and sought to cherish and nurture my relationship with God, I saw God as a killjoy policeman god whom I resented for making me feel bad and guilty all the time.

I turned away from Him and tried to find happiness on my own terms. The Hebrew word for sin chet means missing the mark and I never quite found lasting happiness or peace in my God-free actions. I kept missing the mark repeatedly.

Until I realized that far from being a policeman god, God was "gracious and merciful, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love" (Psalm 145).

He loved me and never stopped loving me through my years of self-imposed exile and promises to love me forever.

I fell in love with Him (how can one not love a man who is so gentle, loyal and sincere) and gave Him my pledge of love, "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health".  

So even though I may have to walk through valleys dark and deep in the future (and just walked through a short one recently), I know He is with me always, guiding me with loving hands.

This is what keeps me uplifted. His love keeps me warm inside and this warmth melts away the bitter iciness of anger, unforgiveness, anguish, loss and envy.

The truth of love

My elder bro and I were chatting (yes, July/August has been busy for me for my brothers - eldest and youngest - and my uncle have stopped by for a visit) and the conversation centred around the Chinese zodiac.

"Rats do not get along with horses, monkeys or dragons," he stated with something akin to surprise. I had to smile at his reaction for he was born into a family with a horse, monkey and dragon and we all muddle along just fine.

Well, Dad was not exactly the easiest of people to live with but it would have been the same no matter what year he was born in. I love the man deeply and I still respect and uphold his beliefs and values but living with him was like living on the edge of a constantly erupting volcano - tumultuous and nerve-wrecking.

I then said to J, it doesn't really matter what zodiac sign we are as long as we have empathy. It's about choice - choosing to love your family even when they drive you crazy.

It's certainly the preeminent way of learning how to cultivate the virtues of kindness, tolerance, forgiveness, acceptance, generosity, flexibility and self-control, and more...the family is indeed the school of humanity.

There is some truth in zodiac signs but I don't put much stock in them for it's all the same with fortune-tellers, astrologers, palmists, etc., what is revealed is partially true and partial truths can be misguiding, especially if we come to believe in them completely and base our decisions on what is represented as truth.

Lest we forget, the devil's currency is half-truths. And as the old saying goes: A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

We may be tempted to close our minds and hearts to other truths which may be more valid or liberating, falling victim to tunnel vision, or even worse, divisive prejudice.

Or we could end up limiting ourselves and our aspirations which would be tragic for self-fulfilling prophecies are all lie sans truth.

We are the lords of our lives in that we have each been given free will and an intellect to figure out which paths we want to take in life.

To give away our power to reason to another person and let this other decide how we should act is how we allow dictators to be born.

Yes, we all need a little visibility in life at times, especially when it comes to big decisions. That's where the only soothsayer worth consulting is God for He alone deals in Truth (and He gives it away for free).

More importantly, He created us out of love and wants to bless us, without any ulterior motive or hidden agenda.

And He has. Not just with goodness, reason and will, but with a thirst for love, beauty and truth.

The question is do we trust His blessings and apply ourselves to make them fully ours? Do we wait on His timing? Or are we impatient and easily swayed by false prophets who dazzle with seductive half-truths?

So even though big bro and I may have very different opinions and life choices, we are unified by love, beginning first with the love of my parents for each other from which flows their love for each of us that cements the love between us siblings.

I don't pretend to comprehend what makes him tick but I do strive to love and accept him for who he is and I would go to bat for him any time, knowing he would do the same for me.

For in life, there are no coincidences and I know we are all in the same family (the entire motley crew) for a reason - to learn how to love each other (differences, warts and all) and help each other get to heaven, and to have fun along the way as we do it.

This is the power and beauty of love. And that's the truth. 

The goodness of loneliness

I read with interest Sumiko Tan's column last Sunday on how marriage has not solved the problem of her loneliness for I have been reflecting on loneliness lately.

A number of women around me have been experiencing loss in their lives and are trying to come to terms with the yawning ache the loss has been left inside them and I have been wondering what can I say to them to make them feel better?

It was also a question my SD asked me recently. So how do I deal with loneliness?

I have spent a lot of my life lonely and restless. Even when I was in a relationship, there was a void in me that could not be filled, so I could identify with what Tan is experiencing.

Shouldn't being in a relationship signal the end of loneliness? On the contrary, as she pointed out, "it can worsen the ache" for despite  having "found a mate, you're basically still in this alone".

Ironically, it was only when I made the decision to be single that I learnt how to deal with loneliness for only then could I break free of the chains of habit and fear to make the journey inward and to find what I had spent my whole life looking for.

It was as Saint Augustine himself wrote: You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.

In endeavouring to see the "face of God" (a desire which had lain buried deep inside of me, forgotten) I embarked on a journey of purifying my heart and I have found many wonderful things, but chiefly a panacea for the worst of my lonely pangs.

I found myself first - my history, my identity and my mission. Nothing like knowing what you were put on this earth to do to give new heart and a fresh outlook. And when the going gets tough, it helps keep you focused.

Scripture has been pivotal in providing clues, and still points me in the right direction when I have questions. It is rightly termed God's love letter to humanity and is concrete evidence of His presence in our midst.

My Bible Timeline group recently asked why it was that the Holy Book was filled with stories of a bunch of weak, greedy, lustful, violent and feckless people and a seemingly vengeful God.

Reading the Old Testament would hardly convert non-believers or help them understand why Christianity can be about unconditional and merciful love.

I found a fitting answer to this question in Ronald Rolheiser's The Restless Heart* for as he put it as with all true stories of the heart, they are also the story of our hearts. As such they can provide us with much liberating insight.

The stories of the Old Testament are "also revelation stories" which reveal "the heart of God and God's understanding of our hearts. Because of this they possess qualities of timelessness, universality, insight, and healing that go beyond the power of our own stories."

Bible stories are about real people who have struggled with the same issues we now grapple with and offer us either signs of encouragement or little nuggets of wisdom.

Apart from finding my own story and place within salvation history, re-discovering a sense of the sacred has given me a renewed zest for life and a delighted appreciation for the created world.

In the book of Genesis, Esau is described as a "profane" man, one who "treated the holy as common" and sold his birthright for a bowl of lentils.

I had done the same previously when I had not understood the profundity of my identity as child of God. I gave it away and remained lost in a self-centred definition of freedom and love.

To esteem the goodness of the Creator, the beauty of His creations, and the inspired work of holy men and women have challenged me to expand my own heart and be open to the movement of the Spirit in the quotidian hum of daily living.

To be awed like a child who looks at the world with eyes of wonder and sees miracles at every turn, this is how I aspire to live life and when I succeed, I am filled with joy and inner peace. And I rest in Him.

Regaining my sense of the sacred has also enabled me to find God in all things. In the gentle breeze, in my mother's laughter, in the frustration of missing my bus and in the lonely ache of my heart.

Yes, loneliness never goes away for it is a condition of the human heart. But in the still point of prayer; in being available not just to God but to people He has surrounded me with; in being actively involved  and connected in "the community of life", the gnawing ache of loneliness is lessened.

This spirituality of loneliness is one displayed most admirably by Mother Teresa who despite experiencing the absence of God in her latter years, continued to reach out and love others.

Her loneliness made her empathize with the poor and unwanted, and kept her humble in spite of her acknowledged greatness.

So loneliness need not be a dreaded foe or a destructive force that pushes us to addictive, insalubrious behaviour or unending depression.

Instead it can propel us to come out of our shell and to maybe, just maybe find God in a different way and help us build a deeper, more intimate bond with Him. We don't have to sing the blues alone.

Loneliness can be a good thing. It is all up to us to make it worthwhile, to make it good.

* Father Rolheiser's book identifies possible causes of loneliness and the different types of loneliness. He also offers a way out of being enslaved by loneliness or restlessness which I have found works. Great book - worth a read.