Dream speak

In today's gospel, it was a dream that restored one man's faith and led him to make a life-changing and faith-filled decision. A dream where an angel of God delivered a message of hope.

In what must've been a bewildering and dark time for Joseph - Mary, his betrothed was with child, a sure sign of her unfaithfulness - he remained ever faithful to God and thus was able to hear Him speak.

Incredible, unimaginable news brought via a special mode of communication.

That a child, Immanuel, God-with-us, was to be born as a gift to the world. And he, Joseph, to be father, protector and guardian to this akan datang* baby, to tend to this child who would grow up to be the salvation of the world.

The infancy narrative is a story re-told every year for over the last 2000 years that it's easy to take its beauty and significance for granted.

So easy to let the commercialism of the season take centrestage and lose the sense of wonder at the miracle of love being birthed right in front of our eyes.

With all the running around I've been doing these last few weeks, I haven't had much time to reflect this Advent. To give proper homage to the ultimate gift that God is bestowing.

So it's nice to have a lazy Sunday to rest and ruminate. (Am done with all my usual Christmas festivities and just looking forward to taking off on Christmas afternoon for Phuket with Mum.)

What's reflection-worthy to me today is how even as we sleep, the Spirit of God is at work within us. That through our dreams, in those unconscious moments, He can speak to us.

I recently watched the movie Stepmom again and the dying mother was assuring her son that she would live on inside his heart and while this was not as good as her being there, there was a special place where they could meet - in his dreams.

Likewise, we are sometimes given the opportunity to meet Jesus and listen to Him in our dreams.

So don't be too quick to dismiss dreams as flights of fancy or unconscious yearnings/unfulfilled desires within us.

Sometimes, they can be messages of hope that transcribe into concrete events that change lives radically.



* coming soon

Rosebuds

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

I couldn't agree more with Robert Herrick for Old Time just flew by this year and I can't quite believe 2007 is almost at a close.

There have been so many rosebuds that came into full flower this year that my life has been one fragrance fest. after another. I have been enveloped in bouquets of velvety soft petals of the sweetest perfume.

Gifts from the Father that I hope have benefitted those around me as well.

Of course there have been times I've been bogged down by petty worries and just swept along the frenzied pace of life in Singapore, but this has also been a year where I have learnt to create sacred spaces to get to know the most important man in life, someone I have grown to depend on for strength, comfort, advice, affirmation and just your basic but essential TLC.

The year 2007 is most significant for He revealed a promise He made to me two years ago and this revelation was the mother of all a-ha moments.

I give thanks for it every day and I hope I never lose the awe I feel over this simple gift.

The Japanese celebrate each spring with hanami, flower viewing, for they pretty much have the same idea as Herrick.

The brief lives of the beautiful cheery blossoms reflect the transience of life which in itself has a beauty that is ephemeral and thus must be celebrated as it is experienced.

Just as all the good things in life are celebrated, so must the not-so-good things like loss and suffering, unalterable facts of life.

For without the bitter, how can we experience the sweet?

Therefore the trick is not to be soured by bad experiences, but to allow each new day to bring fresh possibilities of healing and pain-wrought wisdom, untried opportunities to live and love.

Through thick and thin, good and bad, luxuriate in each and every experience.

So don't forget to smell the rosebuds as you gather them. In deep appreciation and gratitude.

Immortality

S. recently lent me her copy of Khaled Hosseini's latest novel, A Thousand Splendid Suns. I looked forward to reading it for I love his earlier work, The Kite Runner, which is soon to be released as a movie.

I didn't get down to reading it until last week but the moment I started reading it, I couldn't put it down. Hosseini is a story-teller of the first water. Go. Buy. Read.

It is a heartrending tale of friendship and the ultimate sacrifice of love between two women.

Mariam is a harami (bastard) child of a rich but weak father and an unstable mother and has experienced nothing but rejection and abuse her entire life until her husband Rasheed takes a second wife, Laila.

Initially adversaries, the women bond when Laila defends Mariam against Rasheed's cruelty.

From this sprouts a kinship between the two women until Mariam saves Laila from death by killing Rasheed and thereby signs her own death warrant.

Mariam goes to her execution with" abundant peace" for despite her unpropitious start in life and its consequent hardships, she became a woman "who had loved and been loved back" and a "person of consequence at last".

"This was a legitimate end to a life of illegitimate beginnings."

Many of us yearn for immortality, to leave our mark on this world. Such ambition is ill-placed if we seek to build an edifice to the personage of I, me and myself.

That we are born into this world is already a sign that we are loved and matter very much to Someone.

If we realize the import of this and reciprocate by seeking to be made in His image and likeness; by loving all around us, giving in little ways every day, acting from a grateful heart, being the person each of us is called to be, then we will have succeeded in making a difference in the world.

Just as Mariam lives on in the heart of Laila, shining "with the bursting radiance of a thousand suns", we will live on in the hearts of those who love us.

Given the season of Advent we are in, it is worthwhile meditating on the words of Blessed Teresa and endeavouring to put them into practice:

"At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by 'I was hungry and you gave me to eat, I was naked and you clothed me, I was homeless and you took me in.' Hungry not only for bread - but hungry for love. Naked not only for clothing - but naked for human dignity and respect. Homeless not only for want of a room of bricks - but homeless because of rejection."

Staying connected

I attended the Praise@Work Conference yesterday at the CJC auditorium together with over 500 people.

To be able to meet and listen to so many people from different walks of life who have a close connection to Jesus, a living relationship, and who actively practise following in His footsteps was awesome and amazing.

Bo Sanchez who opened the conference invigorated with his rousing speech and gave new heart to fusing spirituality into work and keeping the connection strong.

He elaborated on five points which he practises daily:

1) My work is my praise.
2) My work is my pulpit.
3) My work is part of my purpose.
4) My work is my passion.
5) My work is my provision.



What I found most valuable was the last point where he challenged everyone to live simply in order to "be as rich as we can for others".

Everything we have comes from the Almighty and we are all called to share what we have with others. Only by being good stewards and exercising thrift can we give and share more.

Love for our neighbour translates not just into money, but time, which in today's world has become an extremely precious commodity.

Despite the busy lives we all lead and the expensive baubles that speak to us, if we make the decision that we are builders of the kingdom, Christ's disciples, then a life of simplicity is key.

Quite difficult, living in material-conscious Singapore, but not impossible as I have discovered these last few years.

Bo also challenged each of us to look at work in the broader sense and recognize that we can continue to do God's work no matter how old we are or what state of life we are in.

There's no such thing as "too old" or "I am not capable enough". There's only "if You say I should do this, then show me how and I will".

So how do I stay connected in everything I do (and not just what I do for a living)?

A question my SD once told me to start the day with is a great one: "Lord, show me how to love."

Life stories

Over last weekend, the W2W ministry met up at the Botanic Gardens for our last meeting of the year.

It was a beautiful, sunny morning and we spread ourselves out on the grass to have breakfast (thanks to A. baby who brought yummy tuna sandwiches and cheesecake) and to share our life stories with each other.

What a celebration of life as each woman shared her unique story and of how she saw Jesus in the dark and light moments of her journey.

The twists and turns in the roads_
the torturous travails,
the thrilling triumphs...
...everything
- the detours, veering off the path, getting lost -
that takes her
face to face with the Father.

Nothing like looking back on life to see His presence in it.

Recognize now that even in the midst of smiles and tears back then, He was there.

Give thanks that we have been given the grace to weather the storms of life and acknowledge the gifts of joy and love.

Know that no matter how lost we are, He will always find us and carry us home.

One common thread through the stories is that each woman has experienced sorrow and suffering in some form or another, either shaped by circumstance or will.

What inspires is that each has made walking through the fire a refining process that burns away the impurities to reveal a heart on fire, lit by the spirit of God's love.

Just as St. Paul said to the Romans:

"...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

While I look to saints like Therese of Lisieux, Edith Stein, Augustine of Hippo and Paul to encourage and inspire, I also look to my sisters (and brothers) around me to do the same.

Together, arm in arm, we walk our unique paths toward one common destination.

Bid for freedom

I was busy attending seminars last week and it has been vastly rewarding intellectually, psychologically and spiritually, albeit physically tiring.

First up was the two-day Choices workshop run for teachers teaching RE (religious education) in Catholic schools where I was given the opportunity to absorb the concepts I summarized last year when I helped develop the resource material for this unit.

Followed by the three-day Set Free Retreat organized by SACCRE and led by Diana Mascarenhas of ICPE India and Fr. Elias Vella OFM from Malta.

Two events with different and varied content but with one similar goal - to enable an individual to make choices in life that would lead to personal freedom no matter the state of life one was in.

Free from fears, needs and dysfunctions to become and to be the person she or he is meant to be - a unique individual with a unique set of passions, goals, ideals, opinions, values, perspectives and life experiences.

The road to freedom involves an awareness of self, who I am, and an acceptance of the person I am, in order to move towards self-transcendence through the cultivation of values and spiritual maturity that brings inner peace and joy.

It is through knowing myself that I am free to build dynamic, vibrant, soul-satisfying relationships with others - and God.

If not, my distortions will forever colour the way I view myself, God, others and the world around me*; and I will live in bondage, bound by my emotional hijacks and self-imposed barriers.



Until I set off on the stony path of self-discovery, I will remain within the confines of the baby pool, unable to get out, scamper across the hot sand and wade into the cool, healing vastness of the living ocean, and into the warm arms of a loving, tender, very real Father.

Acknowledging the wounds that cause my distortions is not enough, although there is tremendous power in articulating past hurts.

For real healing to take place, there is one more crucial step: turn to Jesus as one turns to a much-loved and trusted friend.

Invoke the power of His name to do what no man can do - bring release and inner healing to the soul and spirit within.

To transform past experiences such that they no longer have a hold on the present or the future.

Can it be that simple?

Yes, as the blind man and the haemorrhaging woman in Mark's gospel and I have found out. Faith can heal.

And with the healing comes truth, which in turn liberates as Jesus had promised, "The truth will make you free."

So what is this great truth that liberates?

In a word, love.

His great love for humanity, for every single person on this earth.

Once you've experienced this love in a very personal manner, deep down in your heart, you will be set free, free to love as He loves you.


* Read John Powell's Fully Human, Fully Alive: A New Life Through a New Vision

Our best interests

At our last weekend W2W meeting, we were discussing questions that would help each of us in discerning our personal vocation in life. One of the questions asked was: "When (what situations) do you have the impression of giving the best of yourself?"

Usually, our passion or a strong interest in something will reveal a flair for that particular activity. While there is usually a distinction between career choice and personal vocation, sometimes, the twain will meet.

I am reminded of some of the stories I heard on the Big Island just a few months ago. One man was a driller and growing coffee was just a passion he would indulge during his free time.

When it got to a point where he realized he was having more fun with his coffee-growing, and that his hobby could generate income, he quit his job and focused all his energies on growing organic coffee beans. The farm is now a family-run business with mum, dad and kids fully involved in every aspect of farming and the sale of coffee beans.

So if you are not happy with your career choice, is it really possible to start over? Crazy you say? Impossible? I beg to differ.

Because I had only a vague idea of what my gifts were when I was young, I did not consciously map my career path. Even then, although I did not know it at the time, God was leading the way. For I found out where my talents lay and I learned many lessons that now stand me in good stead. I was being moulded and shaped, learning discipline, fortitude and industry.

While I did not enjoy what I did for a living for I did not function well in a corporate environment, I did it - for it was a way to earn money and gain familial approval.

When it came time to look for a job after being laid off in 2003, I explored all my options, but this time, the big difference was that I consulted my heavenly Father as I searched.

I had considered the question above, together with a number of other questions and discovered that my gifts were writing and teaching.

Coupled with the desire to find meaning in what I do and be able to spend time with my mother who was recently widowed then, there was only one option - turn my back on corporate life and freelance.

Jesus was holding out a beckoning hand as He encouraged me to leave the security of the boat and walk on water.

He sent people my way to aid me in making this choice. Writing jobs came my way inexplicably. "Angel" friends helped finance my Pilates certification in the form of loans, money gifts or job opportunities. I could even take Mum on vacation each year.

It was not an easy time or process for I had to radically change my lifestyle and forgo ALL luxuries.

I was greatly humbled for I was stripped of all my worldly trappings and had to make sense of myself as a person who no longer held a well-respected position and drew a huge salary nor flew business class and ate in swanky restaurants.

The blessings came however. I found I could be happy with very little in life. I came to see and appreciate the miracles of everyday life.

Most of all, He blessed me with so much love in the guise of caring friends and a supportive mother.

I came to understand what it means to live on God's providence and every single day, even now, I continue to be astounded at how lovingly He takes care of me.

The biggest difference in my life, over the last few years, has been the strength of my faith, which has grown by astronomical leaps.

Especially when things got murky or when I started to feel overwhelmed by my choices in life (there were dark, dispirited moments, periods of helplessness and near-despair), I would turn to Him and say, "Lord, You deal with it! You brought me here, so please take charge now," and I would give him carte blanche in resolving the matter at hand.

The instant I did that, I would be freed of my burden. Best of all, He would always come back with a singularly innovative solution.

As I endeavour to live out my personal vocation, naturally giving of my best when I exercise my God-given talents, I now strive for excellence in everything I do.

Modelling Brother Lawrence* I offer up especially the tasks I find most tedious and I carry out my "common business wholly for the love of Him".

Seeing as He has our best interests at heart, surely He deserves only the very best from us?

* Brother Lawrence was a lay brother in a Carmelite monastery, who lived in the 17^th century. He worked mainly in the kitchen, performing menial tasks, but his profound inner peace attracted many who sought spiritual guidance from him. His teachings can be found in The Practice of the Presence of God.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brother_Lawrence

Family ties

I just threw a little dinner party for my cousin A. whose birthday is up in a few days. As he hates fuss (about on par with the person who shares the same birthday as Dad but we won't mention initials here), it was kept simple and small (no other guests but my bro and SIL).

BTW I had to practically arm-twist him to allow me to cater for this little soirée in my home. What is it about the men in my family that know how to give but not how to receive love graciously?

As I chopped and julienned, I thought of how cooking was my dad's and my way of showing love. More than that, since his demise, it has become my way of remembering and honouring Dad, and evoking his spirit on a daily basis.

My father considered sitting down together as a family and sharing a meal as something sacred, a time-honoured tradition.

I used to find his insistence at eating dinner together irksome at times (especially when I had to work late and knew that my parents were waiting for me to return home before we all sat down together at the dinner table to eat - MAJOR STRESS) but have, today, come to appreciate and to perpetuate the tradition.

Earlier in the afternoon, Mum was sharing with me how someone she knew was abandoned by her children in a home and left to die. While I was trying hard not to be judgmental (What? How can he serve in church so actively and not care about his mother??!!!), I was made mindful of how I treated my remaining parent.

Do I show love, respect, care and concern for my mother (whom I live with) in a life-giving manner every single day? Do I bless her by being a good daughter?

"Honour thy father and mother" is the fourth* commandment and the first one that pertains to how we relate to others.

I believe the primacy of this commandment speaks to the fact that family is the most basic unit of society and if we can't even get it right at this level, whatever we do outside the family for the glory of God is dimmed, tarnished.

Charity, love, begins at home. Mutual respect and love between parents (husband and wife) and children (siblings), familial harmony is the weave of the fabric of human life on earth.

In his Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio, Pope John Paul II recognizes marriage and family as the most precious of human values:

"Willed by God in the very act of creation, marriage and the family are interiorly ordained to fulfillment in Christ and have need of His graces in order to be healed from the wounds of sin and restored to their "beginning", that is, to full understanding and the full realization of God's plan."

Parents are called to be "the visible sign of the very love of God" while family is called to mission by becoming "more and more what it is", which it does by revealing and communicating love, and thus reflecting and sharing in God's love for humanity.

If we grow that little family tree in the soil of love, giving it the necessary nutrients such as daily waterings of forgiveness, warm rays of acceptance and sprinkles of tolerance, then it will grow deep roots and spread its branches into a community of love that crosses geographical, social and cultural boundaries to ultimately foster “the good of each and every human being”.

Want to effect world peace? Simple.

Start by loving (through active, concrete actions and words) and forgiving members of your immediate and extended family and seek to live with them harmoniously minute by minute, day by day, year in, year out.

*What for Roman Catholics is the fourth commandment, is for Judaism and some of the other Christian denominations the fifth. Did you know that? I just found out on Wikipedia today. Fascinating.

Heart at rest

For my birthday this year, E. gave me The Restless Heart by Ronald Rolheiser. My go-to person for books, she made yet another uncannily perfect choice.

It speaks to me right at the place I am now - trying to figure out how to live out my singlehood in a manner befitting a woman of active, lively faith. (BTW, it’s a fantastic book and definitely worth a read. Or two.)

Rolheiser talks about loneliness - why we feel lonely, why it's OK to feel lonely, and what are the consequences, pitfalls and benefits of loneliness. He offers the wisdom of some of the Church's greatest theologians as well as his own practical tips on how we can channel loneliness.

While loneliness is something each of us will experience at different points in our life (no one is exempt), if we acknowledge its presence and deal with in a constructive manner, loneliness can yield very rich and positive results.

Creating works of art that bring pleasure to the masses. Going outside of self and ministering to others like Mother Teresa did. Helping others get through life’s dry spells with a shower of empathy and compassion sourced from the depths of loneliness.

So what causes the L word? I love this definition found in the book:

"Perhaps the old myths and legends capture it best when they say that, before being born, each soul is kissed by God and then goes through life always, in some dark way, remembering that kiss and measuring everything it experiences in relation to that original sweetness." (p.54)

St. Augustine describes this primordial kiss as a God-shaped space within the heart that can only be filled by God. And this space is what keeps us always seeking, thirsting for God.

“…for you have made us for yourself and our heart is restless until it rests in you.”

Having travelled the pleasure route indulging and satiating the senses, having participated in an alphabet of activities before I stood still and went within to seek Him, I have to agree with St. Augustine – the dude was spot on.

Looking for love in all the wrong places left me feeling more alienated, needy and seriously out of whack emotionally - until I turned to Him to fill the God-shaped space within my heart. And I continue to do so, time and again.

By inviting God to enter the space within my heart, I allow His presence in my life to bring healing and so much love that in my aloneness, I am in communion with Him and more connected than in a roomful of people “talking without speaking”.

Rolheiser invites us into a spirituality of loneliness; to constantly move towards a creative rather than destructive force within our lives.

Simple actions are called for such as (overcoming our fears) and taking emotional risks in relationships, being vulnerable and honest without forgetting to be playful and creative in loving others, and giving enough space for relationships to breathe and grow.

While this also involves commitment and self-sacrifice, the ability to find peace and an oft times blissful solitude is worthwhile.

So instead of trying to fill the emptiness with booze, drugs, sex or some other man-ufactured diversion, try a little God-filled solitude next time you’re lonely.

It’s free, safe and oh so soul-satisfying. With no morning-after regrets.

Perfecting hope

What is it about women that makes us so compulsive, so doggedly stubborn at times?

We persist in reading a book to the very last page even when we know by page 10 it's REALLY bad. Likewise we watch excruciatingly bad movies to the last frame, while a man would have flipped the channel a long time ago and watched at least a dozen other programmes.

In discussing the charism of woman, Fr. A. declared that woman's charism was to be life-giving and part of this charism was the facility and capacity for hope, something that men lack.

To illustrate his point, he brought up the weddding at Cana. It was Mary's hope in her son Jesus (despite His initial hesitance, she tells the men to do whatever He tells them) that led to the miracle of the transformation of water into wine.

While reflecting on Fr. A.'s words, I concurred with his opinion for it was Zechariah's inability to hope that led to his disbelief in the news the angel brought to him of Elizabeth's imminent conception of his son John.

It was hope that gave my grandmother the necessary daring to find the means to feed the family while my grandfather was at a complete loss on how to survive during the Japanese Occupation.

Hope was what enabled St. Monica to pray for many long years for the conversion of her sinful son into St. Augustine, one of the greatest theologians of the Church.

Hope is what makes women illogical creatures who depend on intuition more than fact.

There is a downside, however, to this facility. Especially when it is coupled with low self-worth, for hope is what keeps a woman in an abusive relationship for years. Even to death, at times.

"He's a good man and he's always very sorry after." "He loves me and he loves the children very much." "He promised me he would not do it again."

I am also reminded of the episode of Oprah "He's just not into you". Women just refused to believe that a particular man was not vested in their relationship for he would occasionally make the effort to be attentive or charming.

It was scary to watch attractive women in the audience rationalize and defend their decision to hang on to a relationship when it was clear as day to everyone else that he was just stringing her along and was a complete jerk.

Hope should not make us wait in vain for a hopeless cause.

More than just an emotion, hope is a spiritual grace and one of the three theological virtues of the Roman Catholic Church.

Karl Rahner understands hope to be the medium between faith and love, the other two virtues and that faith and love are "formed by hope".

It is because of hope that we dare to love on and on, again and again, despite being hurt.

It is hope that brings us faith, a faith that believes all things are possible with God.

As St. Paul said in his letter to the Romans, "In hope we are saved," for it is this Spirit-endowed grace that enables the surrender of self to the self-giving God, the human capacity for God to be our salvation that is a person's fundamental self-interpretation in relation to God (The New Dictionary of Theology).

Hope is what gives us the will to live, to conquer fears, to reach the summits of the Everests in our lives, to dream the impossible dream and effect miracles.

It is also what brings forth life, supports and sustains it.

Viktor Frankl, Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor concluded that life has meaning under any circumstance and thus even suffering was meaningful. And because we have the freedom to find meaning in what we do and all that we experience, the human spirit could survive even the most horrific atrocities.

St. Paul give us the Christian perspective when he talks about how faith, hope and love work together to help us grow in a life of grace:

Suffering (trials) produces endurance (patience), and endurance (patience) produces character (merit), and character (merit) produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. Romans 5:3 – 5

It is by faith that we can hope to experience the kingdom of God not only in the future but in the here and now, and we achieve this by serving Him in love. Thus suffering is no longer something meaningless but a means to attain perfection.

Don’t stop seeking perfection in hope.

In the beginning it was not so...

A tribute to Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, retold by Christopher West

In the beginning when God created the heavens and the earth
He made all things good.
Form followed function.
Everything worked the way it should.
Perfect and precise, like clockwork.
He is God after all
The master craftsman, the Creator.

Let there be light
So the sun rose in the east and set in the west, as the earth rotated on her axis.
When darkness fell, the moon
Palely reflected the brightness of the sun.
The beauty of the night sky was revealed
In the luminous stars that stretched across its infinite expanse.
The oceans surged in a rhythm dictated by gravitational forces.

Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures
Of such colour, shape, texture
Mass, complexity and variety
It made the beholder gasp in awe and wonder.
On land, he lavished the same attention to detail
To all living things that crawled, slithered, galloped, swooped,
Lumbered, raced, scurried, flitted and crept.

Then God created humans
Made in his image and likeness
A man formed from the dust
A woman formed from the rib of the man
For it is not good that the man should be alone.
This at last is bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh.

Into them the Lord God breathed
A spirit that gave the spark of life
And the capacity to choose between good and evil.
Freedom of choice. Free will.
His work done,
God blessed the seventh day and hallowed it
Rested from all the work that he had done in creation.

Fashioned to live in unity with God and each other,
Man and woman, Adam and Eve,
Lived in harmonious bliss
They were both naked, and were not ashamed.
Receiving the love of their Maker
Living out the meaning and being of their existence
And God saw that it was good.

As one flesh their bodies were a gift of self-donating love to the other
Joined, two halves of a complete whole.
Manifesting the sacrament of the Spirit
The Trinitarian mystery
Making visible what was invisible
With the ability to give birth to the miracle of new life
Be fruitful and multiply.

One day a seed of doubt was sowed by the serpent
In the minds and hearts of Adam and Eve
Distrust and desire led to the denial of the gift.
The fracturing of the unitive relationship between God and humans
The eyes of both were opened
With it came enmity, pain, toil, thorns and sweat
Until dust you shall return.

Thus sin entered the world
Solitude turned into loneliness.
Unity transformed into alienation
Nakedness now required the protection of fig leaves.
Although paradise was lost, before he sent them forth from the garden,
The Lord God made garments of skins for the man and for his wife
He clothed them out of love, mercy and compassion.

Fickle and forgetful, humans kept breaking the everlasting covenant
Promises made to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob
To Moses who led the people out of Egypt into the land of milk and honey.
A history of salvation endured
Marked by Yahweh’s faithfulness to his chosen people
As generation gave way to generation
Until the Word became flesh and lived among us.

It took one man, the second Adam, to redeem what was lost by the first
Out of the womb of Mary, the Immaculate Conception, the second Eve
Jesus Christ was born; to live, to love and to die on the cross.
As the human face of God, the Divine face of man.
Jesus walked the earth and changed the world
Made a difference by performing miracles
Out of his boundless love for humanity.

Follow me, and I will make you fish for people
And so his disciples journeyed with him as he taught -
Proclaiming the good news of the kingdom,
Curing every disease and every sickness among the people.
By fulfilling the law through his radical brand of love
The Son of God made us all sons and daughters of God
A relationship restored, paradise found.

Love one another as I have loved you.
Was his only commandment to all humankind.
And on the night before he died:
This is my body, which is given for you
The cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood.
So that, in remembrance, we celebrate the gift of his life daily
Forgiving to the end (they do not know what they are doing), he breathed his last.

On Easter morn, he revealed himself to Mary M,
Who stood weeping outside the tomb. And later on, to his disciples.
Thus Scripture fulfilled, he ascended to heaven,
With a promise of power to them. So it was
When all of them were filled with the Holy Spirit.
On fire to become witnesses of His love
Builders of His kingdom until he comes again.

Created and redeemed, we become priest, prophet and king
Called and chosen to love in the Spirit of abundance and joy

Amen.

Moments

Certain moments bring back memories
Reviving a sense of loss, a special kind of pain
Although I've said my goodbyes long ago
Wistfulness invade my consciousness from time to time

Just like that cool autumn evening where the august moon
Hung luminous and low in the midnight velvet sky
We sit sipping tea - sharing laughter and lives
Our faces aglow in the warm candlelight

Your laughter rings out on the crisp, wintry air
As I fall cushioned by the sugar soft snow
The child in you delights and entrances mine
We play together in the afternoon sun

As we walk along the river hand in hand
The ducks glissade gracefully in the water beside us
Breathing in the colours of new life
You turn to me and smile, sunlight in your eyes

Peeping from the horizon, the sun casts a golden glow around
Bathing us in a tropical, balmy warmth
With my head resting on your shoulder
We drink in the beauty of the morning as one

While I will always love you in these snapshots past
They are but souvenirs from another lifetime
My heart now belongs to my very present lover
Who strolls with me in the garden of life



I am his beloved and his desire is for me
In his eyes I am beautiful, a constant delight
How could I not love him for his faithfulness
For cherished I will always be in his loving arms

Possibilities

There are times I wish we never met.
Then I wouldn't have known the pain of loving you
and been forced to walk away from
what wasn't meant to be, what wasn't right.
Even now, years past, my heart still sighs
At the echoes of a memory sweet
that hold me captive to its beguiling call,
While the bad times evaporate like mist on the wind
Inconsequential and overlooked.
I stilll thirst for what was, in my solitude.





Most times though I am glad that we met.
For through loving you I came to know myself,
by plumbing unknown depths and reclaiming the lost.
In giving, I received the greatest treasure
Understanding my desires, I found my way to Him.
While the past makes me who I am today,
it does not define the woman within.
His everlasting love restores my spirit
His fidelity makes me believe again
Most of all, His delight in me conjures possibilities.

Dying unto self

A. was sharing that someone asked her if it was OK to show a not-so-sunny disposition to those we met. After all, isn’t that being honest, truthful, to show off one’s true colours?

She of course replied in the negative but was scratching her head on how to substantiate her response.

While we are called to be child-like in how we entrust our lives to God, it is not an out for childish or immature behaviour.

To walk around like an emotional weather-vane, broadcasting feelings to all and sundry shows a lack of consideration for others and considerable self-absorption.

Neither is it right to take out one’s frustrations on those who are nearest and dearest to us. No shaking the crying baby or kicking the dog just because you had a bad day.

So when A. read about Mother Teresa’s inner suffering throughout her life and how MT did not let on to the world how she felt such a great sense of loss inside of her, but instead put on a face of loving and caring to all she met, she found the answer to the question asked of her.

To be able to live out one’s vocation, loving others as Jesus loves us despite our own shortcomings and personal suffering, that is to die to self. MT brings new and very rich meaning to that phrase.

Despite her personal suffering, she continued to be the little pencil in God’s hand, doing small things (that grew into huge things) with great love.

And she continued to be a woman of faith who prayed constantly – finding time to be with God even though He seemed to have abandoned her.

What St Josemaria Escriva said of Mother Mary’s fiat is true of MT's as well:

“She lived it sincerely, unstintingly, fulfilling its every consequence, but never amid fanfare, rather in the hidden and silent sacrifice of each day."

Mastering pain

Last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy featured a little girl who thought she was super-human for she could take a beating and not feel any pain.

"Punch me in the stomach," she would encourage people to whom she wanted to prove her powers.

It turned out that she had a disorder where she couldn't feel pain and had been punched in the stomach once too often for she was suffering from internal bleeding and needed an operation urgently to save her life.

From the plethora of pain killers on the market, the huge numbers of people on emotion-numbing drugs like Prozac to the culture of drugs and alcohol that have bred rampant addiction, pain is something we avoid at all costs, it would seem.

Most times, pain is the body's way of signalling something is wrong. That inner voice that tells us to “Stop. Slow down. Figure out what’s wrong and make a change,” is a form of self-protection.

Unfortunately the usual reaction today is “Make it go away now!” and the quick fix solution is usually one that treats the symptoms while ignoring the source.

Fixing the source of pain sometimes requires more pain and is usually a lengthy process that requires much effort. It’s just too much bother so most people opt for the quick fix and ignore the warning.

C.S. Lewis said: "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

Pain has a purpose, a good one at that.

Christ Himself was not impervious to pain. When He prayed alone in the garden of Gethsemane, in His anguish, His sweat became “great drops of blood”.

He even asked His Father to remove the cup of suffering if it were the Father’s will. It was not to be removed.

However, God never leaves us to deal with pain alone. He responded to the fidelity of His son: “Then an angel from heaven appeared to him and gave him strength.” (Luke 22:43)

So if we embrace what the Lord wills in our lives, even the pain, He will supply the necessary resources to endure and to persevere, facilitating the healing and growth process.

Remaining faithful beyond reason or worldly wisdom will eventually bring us to a place of peace and inner strength.

When I experienced the loss of a relationship that meant the world to me at the time, I joked with close friends that the worst part of the pain was that I couldn’t even misbehave to seek solace or relief from the pain for I had chosen to follow Christ.

Underneath the knee-jerk reaction to embark on a destructive search for a palliative - go out and find a man, any man to validate my womanhood - I appreciated the strength I was given to work through the pain of rejection and loss in a healthy manner.

He answered my prayers by sending me angels in the form of various people who made me feel loved and I was protected from the impulses of a pain-crazed mind that would have led me to give in to neon-bright temptations and caused irreparable collateral damage.

In the time needed to walk through the fire, I gained many blessings: wisdom, resilience of spirit, great reserves of inner strength, my self-respect and a buoyant self-worth, a quiet confidence and a greater depth of compassion and empathy.

I slayed my personal demons and emerged liberated, to go forth into the sunshine again.

While I do not wish to experience such depths of pain again, I do not run away from relationships that may trigger pain of such gargantuan proportions. I continue to love life.

And I continue to be awed by His boundless love for me, a love that soothes all pain.

Essential for Christian living

“Mad-eye” Moody, the paranoid ex-auror in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series has a motto: “Constant vigilance”.

He is ever-ready to do battle with the supporters of the Dark Lord, and further the cause of good in the world.

We would do well to adopt his motto for it is only too easy to be distracted and wander off the narrow path.

Following Christ is no walk in the park. First He challenges us to sell all our possessions before we follow him, as He advised the rich man in Mark’s gospel.

Then, not doing evil, keeping the commandments is not enough, no. In Matthew’s gospel, we will be judged for the omission of doing good: not helping our fellow beings in need is tantamount to rejecting Christ.

Neither can we be fearful and lazy like the servant who buried his one talent instead of making it work hard for him and multiplying it. Christianity is definitely not for the faint-hearted, those afraid of being losers.

In fact, we must be bold. Live out our faith daily. Be prepared to lay down our lives for the truth.

If you’re wondering at this point is all this worthwhile, the answer is yes. When Christ calls you by name, you will understand why saying yes is the only logical answer to issue forth from your lips.

Erh, now that I’ve gone off-tangent, let me get back to the point.

We cannot afford to be foolish like the five bridesmaids who due to their lack of planning and preparation were unable to greet the bridegroom as their lamps had extinguished.

Constant vigilance is required.

The following extract that comes from a reflection written by Fr. Steve Tynan, published in Sabbath 2007 says it all so beautifully:

“Vigilance is an essential and often forgotten aspect of our walk of faith. If we fail to be vigilant, Satan will find it very easy to infect our lives with his lies and lead us astray from the truth ...being fully grounded in the truths of our faith is the best defense against the lies of Satan.”

“It takes a lot of effort to develop a truly vigilant lifestyle that will protect us against the lies of sin. The best place is to begin with a committed prayer life. If we pray daily and truly allow God to form our hearts in His ways, we will have begun to develop a protection against temptation.

"If we further this with meditating on the Word of God in the Scriptures, we will reinforce all that the Spirit of God is teaching us in prayer.

"If we then add the Teachings of the Church to this, we will soon develop an impenetrable armor to the fiery darts and lies of Satan. The only way that the armor will be pierced is if we choose to let down our guard and allow him in.”

So stay awake. Be vigilant.

Mother saintly

I was amazed at the media brouhaha over recently published letters of Mother Teresa revealing her spiritual loneliness.

Especially the questions raised about the suitability of her sainthood in light of her inner struggles. Huh? Singlish says it best: “I catch no ball”.

How does her display of “weakness” detract from her goodness and a lifetime dedicated to bringing comfort to the poor and the dying?

Just because she experienced doubt and struggled in her faith like an ordinary person?

Conversely, I was greatly encouraged and inspired by her continued dedication, her joy and her boundless love for people despite her “dark night”.

Her crosses mark her as human, making her more endearing.

For who among us has not felt the weight of the absence of God in our lives? Or experienced the aridity of the desert?

In Matthew’s Gospel chapter 7 verse 17, he says “every good tree bears good fruit”.

The mountain of good fruit Mother Teresa produced in her lifetime proves to me that she ultimately believed in God and was graced with an inner, imperceptible core of faith.

Else she would have walked away from the abyssal darkness that surrounded her. Given into despair and quit.

Yet, what did this little Albanian nun do? Merely worked selflessly, loved generously and lived simply to the end, eschewing the trappings of wealth, power and glory.

Even if she were not a saint, she was a woman of great stature and extraordinary grace.


There is an excellent article by Elizabeth Lev commenting on the recent media storm around the published book Mother Teresa. Come Be My Light.: http://www.zenit.org/article-20371?l=english

Spiritual skinny dipping

In author Terry Brooks’s Shannara series, talismans of power are sought and used in the battle of good against evil. One such talisman is a sword.

In order for the wielder of the sword to tap into the power needed to defeat evil, he must first come face to face with the truth about the less desirable qualities of his character and have the courage to accept it. If he is unable to do so, he will perish in the battle.

Ultimately it is the unique ability of the sword of Shannara to present truth, stripped bare of all pretense, that defeats evil and restores order in the world.

To be human is to be flawed. Within each of us lies such a complexity of contradictions, an ever-swirling, changing pot of traits, quirks, dysfunctions, emotions and conscious thought that it’s hard to divorce fact from fiction, good from bad and to accept the unique blend of humanity we each are.

While we strive for perfection, we will always fall short for to be human is to be flawed.

At times I find that the more I try to be like Jesus, who is without sin, the harder it is for me to admit to the evil twin within me who is petty, resentful, covetous, dishonest, arrogant, proud, vain, bitter, greedy, angry, lazy, selfish, weak, craven…

…and yet, she is very much a part of me, alive and healthy.

Oftentimes my first instinct is to deny her existence, or to condemn and suppress her existence. Interestingly, that’s when her hold over my life becomes stronger as I am filled with either blistering anger or self-loathing.

Until I remove the fig leaf of guilt and shame and accept the truth about myself in all its unvarnished, naked glory, I tend to build walls between myself and the Father’s love and remove myself from His presence.

I take to dwelling in darkness, conquered by its blinding distortions. Like Niki Sanders in Heroes, I am imprisoned by my evil alter ego.

It takes the very humbling act of accepting my flaws, and the fractured world around me, to bring me out of the shadowy depths.

And a soupçon of courage to dive, au naturel, into the ocean of the Father’s loving compassion and mercy. To emerge cleansed and refreshed, ready to set off in a new direction.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, “he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’"

So if you seek to be made perfect, indulge in some spiritual skinny dipping from time to time in His sea of love.

Magnificat woman

I was sharing with my SD today the many blessings I received when I was on vacation.

How things I desired years ago and never thought possible came to fruition, in ways I never expected. Now when I look back at things in totality, I marvel even more.

Fr. A. reminded me that “the Mighty One has done great things for me, and holy is His name” as he encouraged me to be a Magnificat* woman.

While much of the Magnificat is a paraphrasing of prayers found in the Old Testament, it is extremely significant contextually.

At a very dark moment in her life, the young Mary is affirmed by her loving cousin and she is able to utter such a beautiful song of her deep and constant faith – truly she was full of grace, as the angel Gabriel proclaimed.

The joy of these two women of faith sharing and bonding through the miracles God has wrought in their lives is moving and certainly worth emulating.

I can only pray that “my soul magnifies the Lord” to all I meet every day.

* Luke 1:46-56 Mary’s song (canticle) of praise in response to her cousin Elizabeth’s greeting when they meet.

Love songs

Last night Mum and I attended Engelbert Humperdinck’s 40th anniversary concert. When she first mooted the idea, I balked.

Engelbert Humperdinck? No!!! Watch a geriatric who has probably lost his voice singing songs that are so passé was not my idea of fun. But it was what she wanted so… we went.

I enjoyed myself. He was the consummate entertainer who made the audience laugh at his jokes and sing along as he sang. And yes, he could still sing, sounding very much like the cassettes we used to listen to in the car.

Listening to him croon his love songs transported me into the past. I was once again that nine-year-old, sitting in the car with my brothers and my mother, as my father sat in the driver’s seat.

I could see us on a road trip in Malaysia, heading towards the ocean and loads of fun in the sun. As Dad drove along the narrow roads, we were all bubbling with excitement and the joy of being on vacation. We sang along with each familiar, loved song as the miles sped by. What a joyous time.

In that instant, I really missed my Dad, who was our rock, our provider, our fun-loving father who introduced us to the simple pleasures and the finer points of life.

Music is such a powerful evocator of childhood memories, nostalgia’s second cousin. As Engelbert closed the show with his rendition of My way, I was reminded of Dad, who was a maverick, a man who marched to the beat of his own drum, and therefore not easily understood. That song was one of his personal favourites.

Although my father always regretted that he did not leave us much when he passed on, I beg to differ. He left behind a treasure trove of memories of his love for his family. What could be more priceless?

Rainy days

Honolulu, August 15th -- It’s a rainy day in paradise today. We have been on hurricane watch the last couple of days. Hurricane Flossie went by the Big Island yesterday bringing wind and rain, thankfully in manageable amounts with minimal damage.

Besides the hurricane, there was a brief standby for a possible tsunami due to the earthquake in Peru. It was soon downgraded when it became apparent that there was no impending danger.

All it takes is the earth’s rumbles and nature’s volatility to remind us of the fragility of life and that the elements are not a controllable force. Humans are not in charge, no matter how much we may think we are.

Despite the rain robbing me of one last idyllic day at the beach, I am very appreciative of the fine weather I’ve experienced the last 12 days and boy, am I glad we visited the Big I. last week and not this week for Flossie would have certainly put a damper on things.

I am also thankful for certain things the rain brings like the excuse to stay home, laze around and do nothing; the gorgeous rainbows one can spot arcing across the sky; the cool breezes that erase the hot mugginess of August; the pristine landscape gleaming through the patina of dust misted away; and the opportunity to go mall walking (the only place to go exercise after dinner).

While the weather was "less than perfect" today, it turned out to be a good day, even if it necessitated a change in plans. It even matched the wistfulness I felt due to my vacation drawing to a close.

And so it was ultimately another perfect day in paradise. Something to give thanks for.

Decompression time

Honolulu, August 14th -- I live for vacations! Not only is it an opportunity to get out of my current headspace, go on adventures and gain fresh perspectives in life, it’s also time to relax and re-charge.

Best of all, I get the chance to go into myself and figure out who I am and where I’m going. Am I headed in the right direction?

There’s something about Hawaii that allows me to decompress and find the necessary space for all the above to happen. I suppose it has to do with the fact that I found my independence, my strengths, my self here so many years ago.

That it’s so beautiful, so elemental and elementary to connect with nature and God gives it special meaning for me.

He speaks to me in the majesty of the volcanic ridges, the playful trade winds that swish through the trees bringing relief from the sun, the heady scents of ginger, plumeria and tuberose that perfume the air, the soothing surge of the ocean against the shore, and the mosaic of crystalline blues and vivid greens as the ocean merges with the sky.

I feel alive, at peace, at one with the beauty that surrounds me. I am given clarity of thought. A sense of profound gratitude overwhelms me as I respond to the music of the land and its people.

This time around, I got to do the things I love best: walk, hang out at the beach, sleep, share the experience of phenomenally good food with old friends, laugh and have fun, fun, fun.

I also got to go to the movies where I caught a wonderfully creative animated film Ratatouille (a definite must-see) which reminded me of the importance of being true to one’s self.

It’s the story of how a rat finally succeeds in doing what he loved best against all odds – cook. It’s about the realization of dreams (sounds familiar?), friendships that transcend boundaries, acceptance of things and situations one would normally reject, and of course, there is romance, intrigue and many funny moments.

My take away this vacation before I head back to reality is this: things are never quite what I perceive for all things are possible with God - I must just continue to be open to His gentle promptings. (Taking Jesus on vacation is a sure-fire way to be wowed and blown away. Highly recommended.)

... and to live the dream.

Hawaii dreamin'

The vanilla flower from a Hawaiian Vanilla Company poster

Honolulu, August 13th -- It has been a real food fest. (check out some of the places we ate at below) this last week we spent mainly on the Big Island of Hawaii. C., M. and myself are all such foodies it’s not funny. Even the absence of P. (another foodie) didn’t stop us from pigging out.

Apart from eating, we had a great time sightseeing, visiting (coffee, vanilla bean and mac. nut) farms, breweries and the Parker Ranch historic homes. And we stayed in the lovely Jacaranda Inn nestled in the coolness of the Kamuela hills. We had an absolutely gorgeous time.

What this reunion (we all went to the same college and try our best to meet up every three years or so) renewed was our dream to buy a place together in Hawaii.

This time though, inspired by our Big Island jaunt, we want to buy a plot of land to cultivate coffee, vanilla, cacao or some other crop no one else has thought of that will grow well in the lushness of Hilo or the cools slopes of Kona and retire as farmers (and master brewers).

Amid the laughter, fun and massive eating, we exercised the very human need to dream. While they may be castles in the air at this point, we are united in our love for Hawaii. So that farm could become reality – who knows?

C.’s favourite island is the Big I. for the mana (spirit) of the land is special. “Hilo people are the friendliest in the world.” People were indeed super-friendly and everywhere we went, we would talk story with the locals.

I was inspired by the family-operated farms we visited, for each began with a dream. Within each story of realized dreams were the passion, love and commitment of the owners and their families. Despite the sweat and tears, it’s obvious that each had found their bliss.

This set me thinking about my life and I found that, similarly, I am in the process of realizing my dreams. More importantly, the dreams He has placed inside of me.

I am where I should be right now: teaching Pilates and writing, with the occasional footsie thrown in. I find meaning and great satisfaction in what I do and it allows me to express myself fully.

There have been times I’ve wanted to give up, when the going gets incredibly tough, but I persevered for nothing worth having in life comes easy.

The pollinated vanilla flower takes nine months to mature into a harvest-ready bean pod. Coffee trees take four years before they start flowering and bearing fruit while macadamia nut trees take seven years.

All things have a natural rhythm, a season, a time and place for being.

As I continue to dream the dreams of our reunion, I do not overlook the baby dreams still brewing within me and I continue to live out my current dreams day by day.

Ono Grinds (delicious eats)
* In Hilo we had incredibly cheap and delicious loco moco at Café 100 (great chili too), yummy shortbread cookies from Big Island Candies and this amazingly soft mochi and azuki bean-wrapped fresh strawberries from Two Ladies’ Kitchen.
* Rootbeer floats with creamy, yummy vanilla ice-cream at Hawaiian Vanilla Company in Hamakua.
* In Kona, the beers at Kona Brewing Co. went down really well, especially the Lilikoi Wheat Ale (aka Waialua Wheat Ale) as did the Kona coffee from Mountain Thunder and Kona Joe.
* Kona’s Island Grill’s beef teriyaki was seriously good.
* Daniel Thiebaut’s in Kamuela served flavour-rich and cooked-to-perfection fish.
* Back in Honolulu, munchies included crispy, chewy Champion malasadas on Beretania and McCully. And shaved ice from Island Snow in Lanikai.
* Nothing beats Ono’s Hawaiian food – the lau lau, kalua pig and lomi lomi salmon are da best!
* For plate lunch, it has to be Rainbow’s on Kapahulu, and of course, there is Zippy’s for its fried chicken (Zip Pac) and chili.
* It’s Hawaii Kai for good dim sum, delectable Italian at Assaggio’s and super-rich ice-cream at Bubbie’s.

Fruit-bearing folk

“Don’t swallow the seeds, they are bad for you,” admonished the grown-ups when I was a fruit-munching five year old. “Why?” “Because they’ll start to grow inside you,” they replied.

Wow, you mean an orange or apple tree would grow out of the top of my head and I could pick the fruit off the tree whenever I wanted, wherever I was, and eat them? I was thrilled.

So I kept swallowing the seeds that were small enough, waiting for them to sprout... those I didn’t swallow I would plant in the earth, willing them to new life.

Today when Monsignor Vaz gave a discourse on John 15’s powerful vine imagery at St. Teresa’s Parish Retreat, I was reminded of my childhood fascination with growing things.

We are all called to be fruit-bearing – that would be the sign and binding force that we made our home in the Lord, our true vine.

So that through our obedience, as we remained in His word, we would be pruned, made pure, to bear even more fruit.

The bounty would also prove that we are His disciples. Not the fact that we are baptised, or through our varied declarations of faith.

As a consequence, we would be able to experience complete joy as we ourselves bring joy to Him and to those around us

Mgr. Vaz challenged us. Are we people of joy or are we ruled by other things in our lives?

The idea of obedience is not an appealing one, especially when it seems to get in the way of pleasure and our idea freedom. And so we assert our individual will.

As I have found out after years of stubborn experimentation, being disobedient did bring pleasure, but it also brought with it a sickness of the heart and soul.

I felt blighted. I sought and did not find joy. Instead, I kept chasing after highs that dissipated quickly like wood-smoke, leaving my lungs burning from the lack of oxygen. I was constantly on the run, escaping from my personal demons.

What can be the meaning of my life when I was so full of angst, a prisoner of fears and a slave to my addictions?

It was only when I learned to remain in His love that I was able to consign all the diseased and withered parts of me to the fire.

Obedience set me free of fears, distortions and addictions. I was pruned, cleansed and made new - aglow with an inner tranquility.

Sure, it’s sometimes hard to do the right thing, especially when the wrong thing is so appealing. But the joy of abiding in Him is immeasurable and indescribable.

It is something so deep and mystical that you need to experience it for yourself before you can comprehend what I am saying (if you don't).

What's more, once you’ve experienced it, you won’t ever want to go back to scrounging around for scraps of transient happiness.

The mini me is delighted to discover that the seeds she planted so long ago within and without herself have actually bore fruit.

And I am inspired to continue on the journey to “go and bear fruit, fruit that will last”.

His healing love

Celebrating birthdays can be hazardous as I found out over the weekend when we got together to celebrate B.’s birthday. She maintained she disliked fuss and woe and betide those who tried to celebrate it for her and with her.

We still did it anyway, albeit in a very private manner, just five chicks with champagne and cake in C.’s condo. It helped that the cake appealed to the child in her. Her “play-cake” as she called it. Seriously, it was a work of art, thanks to Susan from Smiling Orchid.

What is it about birthdays that B. was so violently opposed to? Definitely not the age thing for she still looks youthful. It was the fuss - which encompasses PDAs (that’s public displays of affection) in the non-couply way.

Admittedly, like B., I feel more embarrassed than appreciative when I am at the receiving end as well.

What is it that makes receiving love so difficult? Why is giving so much easier than receiving?

B. and I suffer from the same problem and I think it stems from when we were young. Somehow, we were not affirmed in our love languages* and grew up feeling unloved and even unlovable.

Sure I knew my parents loved me, intellectually, but, somehow, a part of me clamoured for love which I was not getting from them, and that made me feel inadequate as a person, and subsequently, unworthy of love.

It took me a long time before I felt comfortable in my own skin and it was only recently that I could accept that no matter how ugly I felt inside out, there will always be Someone who loves me deeply.

More importantly, that I deserved to be loved in such a life-giving manner.

He has loved me from the point of my conception and has never stopped loving me through all my topsy turvy years.

No other man has made me feel so precious, or so completely cherished. With such a love, I am healed, I am strong - I can be the person I was meant to be.

My birthday wish for B. is that she will continue to experience His healing love and one day enjoy her birthday the way a child enjoys the whole schmaltzy affair – with great relish, revelling in every moment of love and attention. Happy birthday B. XXX

* From Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages which enumerates the ways we give and receive love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and touch. A must-read, especially for couples and parents.

Sacred space

I just finished reading Totto-chan: The Little Girl at the Window by Tetsuko Kuroyanagi that S. lent me about two weeks ago. Published in 1981, this book was a runaway bestseller in Japan and has a timeless, universal appeal. I was absolutely charmed by it.

It’s a book I happen to think that all educators, and parents, should read for it honours an educator par excellence, Sosaku Kobayashi, who was founder and headmaster of Tomoe Gakuen, an alternative elementary school during pre-WWII days, and inspires with Kobayashi’s forward thinking and real love for children.

He sought to affirm every one of his students, devising ways to make them each feel special. “You’re really a good girl, you know,” was a phrase Kobayashi used every time he met the exuberant Totto-chan who was perpetual motion in trouble.

What really gave me cause to pause was this paragraph from the book:

“Having eyes, but not seeing beauty; having ears, but not hearing music; having minds, but not perceiving truths; having hearts that are never moved and therefore never set on fire. These are the things to fear, said the headmaster.”

His students looked forward to school each day for learning was fun. They learnt to see and appreciate the beauty and the miracles in the world around them, and consequently, were taught how to respect nature and fellow human beings.

The ability to find something wondrous and worthwhile even in the insignificant is a skill that every child should be taught, and eventually hone as a discipline. For unless we can appreciate what we have been given, we will not be able to feel gratitude.

And if we are not grateful then we will not be able to fully experience the blessings in our lives, even if we were handed the world on a platter. That would be too, too sad for there is so much in life to be thankful for.

Just the very act of breathing that keeps us alive was a gift from God to Adam as He first breathed life into him. A gift each of us is given when we emerge from our mother’s womb and take that first breath of air into our lungs.

I find that living with a certain mindfulness, a heightened awareness of the world perceived through all my senses, allows me to experience moments sublime in the mill of everyday living.

And when I allow these moments to connect deep inside of me, space is created for the divine to enter.

It is in these spaces that I can once again become a free-spirited child just like Totto-chan, gain respite from worldly concerns, draw strength from unfathomable depths and find inspiration to create.

Cherry blossoms fall,
Sighing softly in the breeze

A sweet song of joy

High fidelity

We were talking about doing the right thing by following God’s ways. I was trying to explain to C. how obedience to the “rules” enriched my life, protected me and allowed me to be free.

She went, “That’s conditioning.” I was stung initially for the implication behind that statement was that I was no longer a thinking, rational being.

A couple of days later, I caught Selma Hayek in a TV interview and she spoke against religion as she saw religion as an institution that hampers her relationship with God, given all its rules. She called it programming and said that religion caused one to sacrifice individuality and creativity.

This perception that religion equals rules, rules that are archaic, impractical and reduce one’s quality of life by curtailing freedom is only too prevalent.

I have to admit I used to subscribe to this view not too long ago, and even felt that Church teachings were out-moded and existed to create guilt.

We live in a world where progress, defined by technological and scientific advances, is seen as the height of desirability. Tradition, the old ways, are no longer revered but ridiculed.

Freedom, love and happiness are words that readily trip off the lips to justify adultery, theft, cheating, oppression, abuse, even murder.

If we really took the time to seek, understand and experience what God’s love is all about, we would see the wisdom behind the rules.

The Catholic Church’s teachings are not based on esoteric, obscure reasoning but founded on natural law. Very practical, infused with huge doses of common sense.

Unfortunately, through poorly taught catechism and inept promulgation of its beliefs, strange and distorted views of Catholicism abound.

Plus, it is always easier to believe what the media and the world around us tell us about how to pursue happiness and find it.

Yes, fidelity does imply obedience and sacrifice. At times, the subsuming of one’s desires. But when that fidelity is a reciprocity of love (and not just duty), it takes on a deeper and richer tone.

And with the unfolding of time, we will eventually get to hear the symphony God is composing through our lives if we allow Him to be the master composer.

When I get weary of swimming upstream against the flow of popular convention, I find strength reflecting on the life of Dorothy Day who lived the major part of the 1900s.

Her choices in life would seem mad to most people.

Giving up a lucrative career as a writer to become a social activist who brought hope and acceptance to the masses by providing food and shelter though her houses of hospitality.

Shunning the values of her generation upon conversion to Catholicism even though she had earlier typified the modern, independent woman of the 20s who indulged in the free-sex-and-drugs lifestyle.

Choosing God and letting go of the man she loved and called “husband” to walk singly through life, raising her daughter on her own.

She embraced the Church’s teachings wholeheartedly, managing to translate her radical social values within the institutional framework and give herself over to loving in such extraordinary ways.

Her unique brand of spirituality included her love of Scripture, solidarity with the poor, frequent works of mercy, prophetic witness through her writings, pacifism, gratitude to God and regular celebration of the sacraments.

Below is an excerpt of the sermon delivered by Fr. John Hugo at her memorial mass:

"Never enough! The other saying frequently quoted by Dorothy I had borrowed from St. Augustine: "He who says he has done enough has already perished." The fullness of love is not attainable all at once, but is rather a life-time goal requiring continual growth. The saint's words are a reminder that one may not falter in the ascent of the mount of love. And Dorothy was not satisfied with the lowest degree of love. She desired to follow her Master, who had said, "Love one another as I have loved you." That is, unto death."

Fidelity of the highest order: She died penniless in 1980, having lived the fullest expression of her love for Christ in her fully lived life (which included being thrown into jail at the ripe old age of 75 for being in a banned picket line for farm workers).

If being conditioned or programmed means living a life as colourful and rich in meaning as Dorothy’s, bring it on.

Building spiritual muscle

Answering the call “Follow me!” is not something one does frivolously, without a thought.

Jesus himself warns it will not be easy: “No one who puts a hand to the plough and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” And yet, many were inspired to follow Him.

Some, like Peter and Paul, even gave their lives to share the salvific love of Jesus with others: Peter to Jews and Paul to Gentiles. Thus, the seeds of Christianity sprouted and grew.

It always makes me laugh to read about Peter – his impulsive, rough-and-ready ways, his earthy humanity. It gives me hope that a key founder of the Church betrayed Jesus three times after vowing to give his life for Him.

Or that someone like Paul, a textbook Pharisee who was killing Christians, could be transformed into a person who through his incredibly intimate relationship with the resurrected Christ would go on to convert thousands through his tireless zeal and deep love for God.

Last Thursday the W2W ministry gathered to say goodbye to one of its sisters who will be moving away with her husband and young family.

Stephanie has always inspired with her active faith and her willingness to say yes to Jesus. Knowing what would be demanded of her this July as she leaves the shores she grew up on, she set about strengthening the already sturdy foundations of her faith.

As a result, the regular spiritual workouts she has undergone in the last six months have given her a rock-hard, yet resilient inner strength. She’s ready to take on the world!

As we commented on the difference, she had this to say, “It wasn’t easy. It may seem that way, but it wasn’t.”

Coming to terms with our issues, our failings, our weaknesses, our woundedness, all the unloved, unlovely bits of us is a task few wish to undertake. It requires great courage and effort to face the bogey men tap-dancing in our closet.

Unless we can name the unfulfilled, broken parts of our self, work on them and allow healing to take place, they will always have power over us, and hinder our ability to experience life fully.

Yep, it’s hard work. Ah, but we do have a secret weapon. That little thing called grace.

Grace is what restored Paul’s sight physically and spiritually, enabling him to become one of Christ’s most ardent supporters.

Grace is what allowed Peter to transform from a scared mouse into a fearless, intrepid disciple who founded the Church in Rome.

Grace is the FDA-approved, designer steroid.

As past hurts and wounds heal, as a chiselled and taut spirituality replaces a flabby one, we find it easier to fight the good fight, finish the race while keeping the faith.

Start training today!

Speaking the truth

Last Friday I was invited to dinner by the Men to Men Ministry. I had not met the group before so I looked forward to getting to know them. I had a great time - it was a fun evening of good food, wine and conversation and I was struck by their easy camaraderie and their commitment to their ministry.

So what’s the secret? I think part of the reason why the men are so strongly committed is due, in part, to the leadership. They joked about how if they skipped too many meetings, they would be invited to a private breakfast tete a tete with Edwyn who leads the group.

We live in a world ruled by political correctness, where often we refrain from “correcting” a wrong, because we are so concerned about infringing the rights of others and offending them. More so if we are Christian. It’s not the done thing. We must make nice all the time. Accept people for who they are.

Yes, we must love the sinner, but we need not accept the sin. We forget that Jesus overturned the tables of the money lenders in the temple. That He was never afraid of telling the truth, motivated by His deep love for humanity.

Although we are adults and should know the difference between right and wrong, we do sometimes need the encouragement and support of our loved ones to steer us back onto the right path, especially if we veer off. That’s where family and friends who love us come in.

I am especially grateful for the forthrightness of E., who has been one of my spiritual guides these past years. She has never been afraid of telling it like it is, unpalatable as her words may have been to my ears at the time. Invariably I would follow her advice (after wrestling with it for a while) for I knew she was motivated by a spirit of love, and wisdom.

So what if she came across like a heavy-handed parent at times? I knew she was right, even if at the time I didn’t fully understand why, for I respected her authority – an authority that came from her sustained, intimate relationship with the Trinity. I am glad, in retrospect, that I allowed her words to guide me for I have gained much, despite "losing" much initially.

There are certain truths in the world we cannot sugar-coat in relativism. Black is black and will never be white even if we argue till we are blue in the face about it. So it's important not to be afraid of treading on toes in the effort to live His way, His truth and His life.

As St. Paul would say, “Never grow tired of doing what is right.” Speak the truth in love.

Conversion stories

A couple of weeks ago, B. rang me and told me she had bumped into my cousin G. and they ended up sharing their conversion stories with each other over dinner. I never cease to marvel at how lives are transformed diametrically when we each meet and connect with the One who brings us the calibre of happiness we look for all our lives and never quite find in things human-made.

Raniero Cantalamessa uses the parable Jesus told of the hidden treasure to describe conversion: "The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field; a man finds it and hides it again, then he goes, full of joy, and sells all he has and buys the field."

It is only when the man finds the treasure that he now has “the strength and the joy to sell all” and this conversion, Fr. Cantalamessa goes on to say, “is the way to happiness and a full life. It is not something painful, but the greatest joy. It is the discovery of the hidden treasure and the pearl of great price.”

Having experienced it myself, I concur with what he says for only such transcendent joy can effect and sustain the necessary process of selling all, which takes time (a whole lifetime, in fact, for conversion is not a one-shot deal but a lifelong process).

While conversion isn’t something painful per se, it does involve pain: the pain of letting go, giving up, dying to self, leaving behind the vestiges of one’s former way of life. Tis not easy… but I would not change a step I’ve travelled on the narrow path. Nor do I wish to switch paths or walk back even when temptation allures so charmingly from time to time.

For it was only when I said goodbye to the final enduring bits of my “worldly” life two years ago that I found the freedom to move light years ahead and find my identity, my worth and my purpose, and consequently, the sense of security and well-being a child finds in her mother’s loving arms.

Like the woman with the alabaster flask in Matthew’s gospel, knowing that my many sins are forgiven has enabled me to be (and feel) loved wholly, and to love wholeheartedly in return.

In a world where people search so desperately for love, they need only look inward into the eyes of the Father to find the hidden treasure.