Fare thee well, au revoir

In my heart there is a space filled with love of you

You were my gift from God, a very special one

Words are simply not enough to express who you are to me. 

Nor describe the beauty of our story, the love and life we shared. 

Now you have left me to carry on without you. How could you? 

Grief indescribable floods my whole being. 

How will it be possible, you, not in my life?  

You, whom I've known simply forever. 

You showed me the Way, His truth, how incredibly beautiful life can be, 

To live as His bride, adorned in jewels bright.

Thank you, my dearest coz, for everything. 

A life poured out on the altar, a pleasing aroma of Christ. 

When I look to the heavens I know you will be there

to guide me home to Paradise where we will be together again. 

Sayonara!

W passed away just this Wednesday past, peacefully, without too much suffering given he had stomach cancer which had spread extensively to his bones as medical investigation revealed early August. Prior to this, he was rendered homeless just before the circuit breaker in April. 

He was a Japanese national who lived in Singapore since the 1990s and from someone who experienced financial success, he was reduced to poverty through the vagaries of economic downturns and a catastrophic robbery. 

Alone, in a strange land, estranged from family and, most recently, from a good friend who had supported him for years, terminally ill, destitute, and pretty much helpless, it is a heartbreaking tale of human suffering on every level. And yet, it is into such situations that God’s grace and mercy shines the brightest. 

He didn’t die alone. He was surrounded by people who loved and cared for him, visiting him frequently. He even found a son in B who looked after him as only a blood relative would have done in his last months of life, while my sister-in-law, B, was the penultimate Good Samaritan who was the first to reach out to W when he was in dire straits and support him in multiple ways where help was most needed, until he went home to the Lord. Thus, he died “comfortably”, with his dignity intact, in a hospice.

Journeying with W, whom I have known a couple of years, I am completely awed by how much God loves each and every one of us, and how tirelessly He goes after the lost sheep to bring him home to safety and salvation. 

The Lord brought many Christians into W’s life to show him how much he was loved. W always expressed that he wanted to have a very real experience of Jesus, to know He exists. I believe God granted his wish in glorious technicolour, and W came to the faith in a long, albeit roundabout way.

W was not the only one who was blessed, for we, the ones who knew him and journeyed with him were equally blessed. His life was rich not only because he found the pearl of great price of eternal life, but also because he transformed so many of us in that process, our lives were immeasurably enriched. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC), paragraph 949 states: Faith is a treasure of life which is enriched by being shared. Those of us who shared our faith with W through word and deed these last months have indeed found it to be so. 

Just last Thursday evening, during the RCIA session at Blessed Sacrament Church, we were talking about the communion of saints. W’s life and passing brings to life this great Christian doctrine and truth, that we are all part of the single mystical body of Christ, who alone is the head. 

When Father Sam shared the following, it resonated very strongly with me: 
Communion in charity. In the sanctorum communio, "None of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself." "If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honoured, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it." "Charity does not insist on its own way." In this solidarity with all men, living or dead, which is founded on the communion of saints, the least of our acts done in charity redounds to the profit of all. Every sin harms this communion.    - 953, Catechism of the Catholic Church

I can still hear the beautiful strains of the last coda playing when we bade W goodbye at his funeral service just Thursday past at Mandai Crematorium. 

Rest in peace, dear W-san. Sayonara, for now.

Death came clothed in peace

Crowned in Divine Mercy: grace

Going home in joy

Spiritual roots

During online mass on August 21, Father Michael Payyapilly spoke of the importance of remembering and honouring my spiritual roots, to always know when my faith began to deepen and grow so that I will follow Jesus,  the right 'way' (at all costs), and not lose my way ever. 

Being the feast day of Pope Saint Pius X, a great saint and pope who was known for lowering the age for First Communion as well as for his encouragement of the faithful to receive holy communion frequently, Father Michael highlighted the humility of this sainted pope who said: I was born poor, I have lived poor, I wish to die poor. 

Inspired by his homily, I would like to pay tribute to my father who was born poor and died poor, but grew rich in his faith and love for God in his last days as he suffered great poverty of health. Remembering my father who died today, 17 years ago. 

Only in your death did the grain of deep faith begin to sprout,

Nurtured by your suffering, watered in our collective tears.

Your slow decline was torturously sublime

The endless days a chain of kairos moments that

Brought glory to God in the depths of pain.

You bestowed on me your faith in dying

This legacy still lives and breathes, so precious to me

It is my pearl of great price and I am grateful for its luminous purity

That always leads me back to my eternal Bridegroom.

Thank you for guiding me day after day

From where you are, one with our heavenly Father 

With you both looking out for me, I know I am safe.

For I am doubly blessed to have two fathers

One who was fully human, and one who is fully divine.

May I always be spiritually rooted in who you were today 

Unsought, it has given me life to the full

Even as I still mourn my loss, missing you much.

Naked with no shame

Thanks to Father Bobby, P and I have just embarked on a year-long study of the Bible where we hope to live the logos as rhema every day so that, come next Pentecost, we can celebrate the Holy Spirit in an even richer way. 

Flashback to last August when Father Bobby encouraged us to proclaim the Word out loud 30 minutes every day and we would see miracles happening in our lives. We followed his advice and I have to say he was right. We have since seen many miracles, big and small, and we are now about eight to nine-tenths through the Bible. So we are both most happy to embark on rereading the Bible in a more reflective manner. Here’s the result of day one’s reflection yesterday thanks to Genesis 1:25 and the Unity Prayer* of the Flame of Love of the Immaculate Heart of Mary. 

The man and his wife were naked,

Yet they felt no shame.

This is what I desire with you.

Love, pure, and gleaming golden rays of light 

Firing our hearts welded so seamlessly within Christ. 

We gaze on each other with childlike innocence 

No holding back on how we feel

Defenceless but unafraid,

Vulnerable, so poignantly tender,   

Because we know our hearts beat in unison 

As our feet journey together. 

What you want, I seek fully for you,

What I want, you move mountains to give,

Each wanting the better for the other,

Making each other better with age.

May our lips always pray together, 

Giving thanks, singing praise, and

Gaining mercy from the Eternal Father.

* https://flameoflove.us/welcome-flame-love/

Individuating well

We recently had our cell group meeting and I was inspired by all the stories of my cell members. I gained new insights and I wish to thank every one of them for being my bread along the journey. This one’s for you:

Individuation. It’s a hefty word loaded with potential. In psychology it speaks to a transformative process, a growing awareness within a person, and a healing self-acceptance that allows the different parts of one’s psyche to integrate as a whole and thereby become something new and separate. Distinct.

It usually starts by taking the where I come from, my personal context, and celebrating it in my own way. I choose to be who I am, in the best way possible, that makes me fully alive. When I was younger, I hated the fact I was born female. I was physically weaker than my three brothers, and I was different, but not, I perceived, in a good way. I felt limited, imprisoned by my femaleness for I was born into a culture that accorded boys preferential treatment. So I denied my femininity by cutting my hair short and dressing like a boy.

Today I celebrate my feminine genius, all these wonderful qualities of what being a woman is all about. Even the not so great bits such as the hormonal craziness helps me to grow in empathy, compassion and patience  - not such a bad thing. Most days I enjoy my distinctly female view of the world. I appreciate who I am created to be, the unique individual that I am; and to give thanks to the Creator, I use my feminine genius to transform the environment I move in to bring light and umami-loaded salt. As my SD is fond of telling me, I am made to bring beauty into the world, to grace the occasions of life. Yes, Father A, I hear you.

Like most families, we have our own quirks, and generational sins that come alive in a brokenness that prevents growth. I had many labels put on me as a child, and it took great effort and work to let go of those labels and decide how I wish to rewrite those labels and the negative scripts that play in my head. 

I thank Jesus for being the one who helped me see my own belovedness, that no matter what I had done and where I had been, I could be the prodigal who returned to experience the unconditional, generous and unchanging love of the Father. Living now in my Father’s house, I enjoy making Him happy, and bringing His glory out into the world. I still fall, I still sin, I still hear the negative scripts in my head, but I am also able to rise above my transgressions and the lies in my head, to keep being born anew - becoming and transcending my personal history. I can move forward, unhampered by my past, and not limited by my fears, perceived and real.

And so it goes, life will never be perfect. There will be a perpetual tension in the things I want to do and the things I need to do. There will always be the need to balance, to juggle my responsibilities and still take care of me. How do I choose where I will go, and what I see and do and say? What do I have to do in order I continue to mature into this woman God created me to be, to grow into my personal identity and the name He has given me?

The one constant in my life is God, and to do His will. I know that my faithful Father will always honour my desire. So despite my shortcomings and whatever challenges, struggles I face, in spite of my own fears and normal inclinations to look out for self first, I can choose to listen to Jesus and put out into the deep. And with that one singular desire and action, my response to the Almighty will always situate me and have me living out my personal vocation in the fullest expression of love. I am set apart to bring His love to the world and stir love in others (thank you Father Michael D’Cruz). God willing, that is what I will do every single day.

Vocation of love

I was struck with what Archbishop William Goh said recently during one of his homilies, that every Christian’s personal vocation is love: to serve in and with love. It is as simple as that. 

My community has been focusing on the weighty concept of personal vocation these last weeks and it has left some of us scratching our heads as to how to live out our personal vocation in such circumscribed times. Plus most of us are in the business of making a living which may seem at odds with our individual gifts and charisms. As each of us wants to live our life completely exercising the will of God, there is no small level of frustration when we feel we are prevented from living out our personal vocation. 

A recent session with Ann Yeong on integration and individuation has had me taking stock of myself, and where I am in these processes. How well am I personally integrated, and thus individuating into the me I have been created to be, an unique and gifted amalgam of strengths and weaknesses? Am I mended together well enough to be set apart in such a way I am the best me ever?  

Integration can be examined in three areas: personal context, personal history and personality. How have I taken the context I have been born in (Catholic, Cantonese, Singaporean female), layered in my life experiences which includes the healed scarring events, and swirled it all into my personality to arrive at a whole that exudes inner harmony. 

Am I a pleasing, life-giving synthesis of a human being that has no twin in the entire world, and am extremely comfortable in my own skin? I may not be where I want to be but I can certainly say I have been refined, like gold, through the years, and I have picked up no small measure of wisdom, thanks to the discipline of prayer and self-reflection. Where I fail or am lacking, the Holy Spirit supplements with fresh insight, healing and redemption. So I know that my mistakes can always be transformed into valuable lessons that aid me on my journey ahead.

Ann highlighted individuation as becoming a separate entity from one’s personal context; becoming a new entity transcending personal history; and maturing into a unique personal identity and vocation. Self-awareness and self-acceptance are key in this process in order to make choices and decisions in life that come from a place of freedom. It also involves hard work, making deliberate and often difficult choices to work on one’s self. 

Underlying all this self work which is a never-ending journey through life, what makes it all worthwhile is it enables us to become the work of art that God envisioned from the outset, then sees coming to life as we cooperate with Him in time. The road ahead may be dark and long, with serpentine twists and turns, however, if I stay grounded in my true and fundamental identity as beloved child of God, I am well placed to live out my personal vocation every single day, adding unique zest and outstanding flavour. 

God places us where we need to be (if we say yes in the first place, like Mother Mary did at the Annunciation) at any given point in time so we can fill a deep need*. The question is do we choose to fill that need in a way that is mediocre and lacklustre, or filled with extraordinary love and joy, thereby living out our personal vocation fully. 

I so totally get how Saint Therese of Lisieux is the patron saint of missionaries, along with Saint Francis Xavier, despite never having stepped foot out of her cloistered Carmelite monastery. For me, she exemplifies someone who lived out her personal vocation fully for she got it. It’s all about love, first loving Jesus wholeheartedly, then living out that love in little ways. 

* Vocation is the place where our deep gladness meets the world's deep need.” ― Frederick Buechner

Telling His story in our stories

Today’s Gospel passage is from Luke and it is about two disheartened disciples of Christ, post-crucifixion, walking to Emmaus, who are joined by a Christ they did not recognize. He teases out their stories from them before He proceeds to recount the history of God’s salvific love from the very beginning to the coming of the Messiah and what part suffering would play in the fruition of God’s glory. 

The disciples recognize Jesus only at the breaking of bread and when Jesus disappears from their sight do they finally see the truth of the Risen Christ. With renewed vigour in their hearts, they set out to be with their fellow disciples and to share a new Easter story of encountering the resurrected Christ. 

There are so many lessons to draw from this passage but what Archbishop William Goh shared about how history is a living thing, a integral part of where we come from and who we will become resonated with me.

My story closely woven into the fabric of His story gives my story deeper meaning, especially when I encounter hardship, suffering and loss and see all the bad with the eyes of a disciple who listens to the Teacher tell it like it is: salvation is not without pain, blood must be spilled, death must occur, a willing sacrifice made, and yet, because it is the story of God’s love, there is hope and the birth of a new story, a story of new life, a celebration of eternal glory, not just when we return to Him, but in the here and now. Today, we can rejoice, even in the midst of sorrow or great difficulty. 

The Archie encourages us to use this period of grace as we are forced to stay home, to tell our stories to each other and experience healing. In sharing and making sense of our tears of struggle and pain, we can begin to integrate our experiences into our own life story and the overarching story of salvation, weaving in a rich counterpoint of faith brought to life in real and concrete ways. It is here we can bless others. By being Christ to each other as we offer up our own stories in an ocean of compassionate and connected humanity, we blend our stories harmoniously in an eternal symphony of God’s boundless, merciful and unconditional love. 

So we turn our hearts and faces towards Jesus, listen carefully to His words of wisdom and allow Him to ignite our imaginations and passions so that we will always see Him clearly enough to follow Him with joy in every step.  And we can thus tell His story in our stories.

Hoping in Divine Mercy

It was shortly after my mother has finished her treatment for breast cancer that my parents went on a pilgrimage to Lourdes, Fatima and Medjugorje in 2000, and my father came home transformed. He kept going on about the Divine Mercy devotion and he wanted all of us to pray it. He even wanted to start a prayer group in our parish dedicated to the Divine Mercy. Being a nominal Catholic at the time, and not a fan of devotional prayer, I completely ignored my father. 

In the same year my parents had gone on their pilgrimage, Pope John Paul II instituted the Feast of the Divine Mercy into the liturgical calendar, making the first Sunday after Easter Divine Mercy Sunday. That April, he also canonized Sister Faustina Kowalska, a Polish nun who had first received the message to pray for God’s Divine Mercy for the whole world through the chaplet given her at 3am and/or 3pm daily. 

Some 15 years later, when I had a better understanding of what the devotion to the Divine Mercy was, and even prayed the chaplet from time to time (it was shorter than the rosary which made it more attractive to me), I still had not a full appreciation of what God’s Divine Mercy meant in my life. I only began to understand the true depth of Divine Mercy when I met P, my husband. 

It was on Divine Mercy Sunday we had our first date and my conviction began growing exponentially from then that indeed, God’s love and mercy for all humanity, for me personally, is truly boundless. Time and time again, mercy has been shown to me, to us as a couple through courtship into marriage, and through the early days of our marriage till the present time. How else can we, two old fogeys set in our ways, make it work?

We began praying the chaplet daily when we decided to pray the Novena of the Divine Mercy on a Good Friday not long after marriage. Do I believe that prayer can move mountains? Yes, I do. Not only do I believe that praying the chaplet can bring about conversions, save souls, and ease the passage for the dying back to the Father, I believe that praying the chaplet makes me more self-aware, and therefore kinder, more forgiving and a more generous person. Jesus reveals to me whenever I fall short and what I need to do to rectify my selfish behaviour. 

Having had the source and summit of my Christian life (CCC 1324), the Eucharist, taken from me, I am left with my faith intact due in no small part to my disciplines of prayer, especially my devotional prayers of the rosary and the Divine Mercy chaplet. It hasn’t been easy going from daily mass to just spiritual communion but I trust that the Father sees the desires of my heart, all my despair and my sorrow, and helps me transform my deep sense of loss into something unimaginably beautiful. 

I can still evangelize in my cloistered life of the Community Circuit Breaker which began on April 7. My prayer can still change the world; it can still protect loved ones and connect me to others. I can still spread the ‘contagion of hope’ that Pope Francis talked about in his Easter Sunday Urbi Er Orbi message. “Christ, my hope, is risen!” and I have a responsibility to transmit this hope from ‘heart to heart’ as long as I remember what Il Papa said:

Christ’s resurrection is not a “magic formula that makes problems vanish...“it is the victory of love over the root of evil”. This victory “does not ‘by-pass’ suffering and death, but passes through them, opening a path in the abyss, transforming evil into good”. 

A blessed Divine Mercy Sunday, all.

Entering Holy Week

It has been a very different Lenten season in that it is set within a global pandemic that has seen nation after nation locking down entire countries due to the horrendous numbers of people infected with the coronavirus. Healthcare systems are severely overburdened, the number of people dying globally is now over 80,000. 

We are all practising physical distancing and mostly working from home. Life, as we knew it, a scant four months ago, has changed completely and I am not even sure when we can return to what it was or will it ever be the same? I suspect not, for life is meant to change no matter what season of life we are in. Certainly not as drastic as this all the time, one hopes, but well, adapt we must.

I have to say I have struggled with all that has been happening, just seeing so much loss and suffering on a global level: reading about how doctors are forced to triage and let patients die because ICU resources are limited, of bodies littering corridors and streets because there is no more room in hospitals, and the sheer numbers of deaths. Then there is the financial and the social impact this pandemic has had: livelihoods threatened or lost, businesses going bust, domestic violence on the increase... it is just all round bad news, day after day. 

While I could never pretend to understand the depths of despair and the suffering that is being experienced, I have been grieving the losses in a very real way. Oftentimes I just block out the world in order not to feel overwhelmed, especially since there is very little that I can do save praying for the situation, which seems so futile, so hopeless. 

So this has been my biggest challenge over this particular Lenten season, how do I continue to live out my faith, to be life-giving, to bring light into a world filled with such darkness? How do I return to Him, the centre of my universe, and draw on His strength and courage in order to walk forward with hope and joy, and do the little things, live my little life (which has shrunk so dramatically) in meaningful ways? How do I make a difference every day?

I have come to realize that it is still possible to love intentionally, to do His will in all things, to act in His Spirit of generosity and compassion. Despite the great loss of receiving the Eucharist on my tongue, I can still be in spiritual communion and be in a rich, intimate and fulfilling relationship with Jesus as before. In fact, learning new ways of worshipping Him has probably heightened my sense of reverence for the Creator. It requires adaptation and great discipline to be faithful, but it is not impossible. As Saint Paul wrote to the Romans in chapter 8, verse 35: Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. 

Journeying this Holy Week at home may be odd, but I know I can still walk with Him to Calvary, and stand at the foot of the cross, offering up my personal grief and losses, even as I stand in awe, and gratitude, at the ultimate sacrifice He made, the gift of His life, for all humanity out of sheer love.

I will keep praying, I will keep fasting, and I will keep giving alms. Renew my heart, O Lord, let me return to you in new ways so that I may continue to glorify you each day, especially in this Holy Week.

Staying safe

It was with great sadness I attended my last mass last Saturday morning at 7am before the temporary cessation of all masses nationwide which commenced at 12 noon that same day. The COVID-19 (Coronavirus Disease 2019) that first surfaced in Wuhan is now making its rounds in countries around the world, Singapore being one of them. 

It is like a perfect storm when one reviews the sequence of events. First, officials in Wuhan city who were alerted of the virus’s existence in December disregarded the potential harm of a viral outbreak, followed it up by organizing a mass banquet prepared by 40,000 families in Baibuting on January 18, then allowed five million to leave the city before an eventual lockdown on January 23. 

Then there was the Lunar New Year holidays which began on January 25 and traditionally runs for 15 days and this saw millions of Asians who celebrate the Lunar New Year travel back to their hometowns and overseas. Singapore alone saw thousands of tourists during the festive period. Thus the storm has broken and we now see a viral outbreak that is currently affecting 26 countries globally with over 73,000 reported confirmed cases, and with close to 1,900 reported deaths according to the World Health Organization*, as reported on February 18, 2020. 

I still remember the days of SARS and all the precautions we had to take. Again I am practising all those safety precautions and find great difficulty in adhering strictly to them. I can’t believe how many times I touch my face in a day, just to scratch all those itches that come and go. I am now constantly cleaning my hands such that the skin on my hands is super-dry. The virus is spread predominantly through touch so every surface outside the home is suspect. Every time I hear someone near me cough or sneeze when I am out I cringe internally, fearing virus-laden droplets released in the air. We are at war with an invisible enemy and it is mighty tough for we can forget its presence leading to carelessness, and we cannot see where dangers lurk. Constant vigilance is required.

Archbishop William Goh made a difficult but wise decision to stop all communal gatherings within all parishes. I applaud his decision and support it fully. Given how easily the virus spreads, much like the flu, we cannot afford to be too complacent. Who cares about how others perceive this move and deride Catholics for their “lack of faith”? 

Last Sunday’s readings are fittingly on wisdom and how God has given each of us the power, through the Holy Spirit, to make good and wise decisions in life. If we care about the well-being not just of ourselves but of our loved ones, we must make the necessary and often inconvenient and hard choices. We do the responsible thing: avoid crowded places, drastically cut back on all social engagements - no dining out, no exercise classes, no therapist appointments - and maintain rigorous personal hygiene habits. 

While “attending” mass at home via YouTube is not ideal, I rely on the immanence of God. He is everywhere and dwells mostly within my heart, so making a spiritual communion still connects me to Him. I pray that you stay well and keep safe, and I can’t wait till I can receive Him in the Eucharistic celebration once again. 

Wishful thinking

Leaves scattered on the ground

Harbinger of things to come

Time flits by

dressed in ephemeral wings

I grow older each day

Still mourning your absence

Wondering why.

The roses bloom

Exuding a fruity, heady perfume

Dressed in luminous pastels

their petals aglow

I see your face in the quiet joy they evoke

They whisper your name gently on the breeze

Wish you were here dearest one

Wish I could tell you in person

How much love my birthday wishes

For you contain

How I wish you joy everlasting

And an ocean-full of good things.

Welcoming 2020

And so it has come to pass, 2019 is no longer and 2020 is already humming along. My biggest regret is not writing as much as I would have liked, whether it’s my blog, a new book, or keeping in touch with friends distant and near.

Apart from the above, it was a great year. We welcomed a new grandbaby who brings as much joy as her brother who is an engaging 20 month old. There is such perfection, a purity to the joy one experiences when a little one hugs you or shows affection for you know there are no filters. It’s pure love.

Although the honeymoon period is officially over after three years of marriage, I find myself still going gaga over my husband. He still moves me for he always strives to be the best version of who he is.  Having said that, marriage has had its ups and downs, there have been tears, personal challenges to grow more and more. Yes, marriage is sanctifying but I really like what my SD told me recently, look at it as a process that allows you to bloom into the woman God created all those years ago. It’s a beautification process of the soul. I have picked up bad habits in my own family, we both have past baggage, but that doesn’t mean we are stuck. If we want to change, it is well possible. We simply need to desire it, pray tons, and  put some elbow grease into making it work.

Our most edifying trip this year was a self-drive holiday in Kyushu where we embarked on the hidden Christian trail. Not only did we visit Nagasaki, we also found a string of little hidden churches along the coastal road (Kyushu was where Roman Catholicism spread in Japan and there are still vibrant Catholic communities based there. Incidentally a lot of these tiny churches are UNESCO World Heritage sites.) and we tracked down churches the MEP missionaries built. We visited a museum filled with Maximilian Kolbe’s personal effects. We saw many relics and the effects of the hard work of those saints, known and unknown who came before us. Many martyrs gave their lives for the faith and the faith is still alive in the land. We even made an impromptu visit to a Missionaries of Charity convent. And, of course, we ate some excellent Japanese food.

A short unexpected trip to Paris was a highlight late summer. Again visiting saints’ relics in various churches was inspiring and I simply adored the gardens and museums I visited. I was on culture overload and I loved it! Plus the rose garden at the Rodin Museum was incredibly beautiful with roses as big as saucer plates.

The last nine months have seen me indulging my passion for roses. When I discovered I could grow roses here it was truly a joyous moment. I now have a sizeable collection of roses, hibiscus and adeniums and I even have a little herb garden on my verge. My neighbours have been quite tolerant and have allowed me to grow plants on verges directly opposite their houses. I have learned heaps from cultivating my roses for it takes constant work and they are prone to all kinds of pests. So great patience and assiduous pruning and spraying are required. The joy and satisfaction of seeing a rose plant bloom is unparalleled

To give myself some personal space, I declared Thursdays my off days at the beginning of 2019. I have been able to spend more time with my mother, doing what we both like, and I have also taken up ukulele lessons again although my lack of practice keeps me in beginner/intermediate mode. 

The highlight of P and my spiritual lives is reading out aloud from the Bible every night and our couple prayer time. It has drawn us closer as a couple for sure. We took up the challenge Father Bobby Emprayil gave us when we attended a retreat he gave in October. 

What do I wish for in 2020? Nothing out of the ordinary, simply to see Him more clearly, love Him more dearly, and follow with Him more nearly.

Spouse

Who is your spouse? he asked 
He is the one who loves you the most
She is the one who places you first within her heart
It is a truth both basic yet profound when it comes to marriage
Trust in it, then live it out 
Putting your energy entirely into cultivating intimacy 
A nuptial union of minds and hearts
Day in, day out
Season after season 
Share the joys and sorrows
the good and the bad
thick and thin
Be the we who show the world
We are the individuals who ask ourselves:
Lord, show me how to love him in the way he needs to be loved.
Jesus, reveal how to love her in the way she can freely blossom.
Father, let us discover how we can help each other flourish and bear fruit. 
There is a no man's land, 
A place of misunderstanding, of differences and brokenness, 
The vast outer space between Mars and Venus
Where frustrations and hurts can grow cancerously prolific
But, here, too, is where holy Mystery resides 
Incomprehensible yet healing 
The invitation to dive into the deep beckons constantly in the murk
Do not be afraid, as the Son reassures, time and again
Here we can plumb new depths within ourselves, smashing limitations, 
even our abhorred weaknesses
Here we can fire up hidden strengths, new powers that can forge greater bonds
Fortifying the marriage and changing the world in innumerable ways. 
After all, this is what marriage is truly about:
To love each other just as Christ loves us
And when we love in and with His Spirit, we can walk with ever-growing strength
Hand in hand, we can soar new heights and touch the face of God. 
Arise, my beloved, my beautiful one, and come!*

* Song of Songs 2:13

Cana rich

It's been the best three years of my life, my love
Full of adventure, spiced with suspense quite intense
I am learning how to avoid the quicksand of angry, hurtful words, 
Petty behaviour unbecoming a child of God,
And be open, forgiving and vulnerable. 
A constant decision to love has reaped
Fruit of unimagined abundance and complex flavour
Utterly delicious and soul salubrious all at the same time. 
I am amazed what dying to self brings to life. 
So grateful for the indispensable wisdom 
of the Holy Spirit and our dearest Mother. 
I feel blessed to call you Husband
My Forever Friend and Lover, 
Because you love me as Christ loves the church
I submit to you wholly with joy
Life with you has been Cana rich
When we do whatever He tells us
We taste the best wine that gets better all the time...
Thanking the One who brought us together as one. 

Baby girl

Precious Petal

You are a joy to behold

Perfect in every way

Sweet, smiling infant 

With a huge appetite 

For the milk of life

Bless you always

My darling

May you grow up into

The wonderfully made

Creation God has ordained 

Falling in love in Paris

I just spent a week in Paris and I had a fabulous time. I went crazy for the gardens, the museums, the churches and the wonderful sweets. The weather was perfect - sunny yet cool. The roses were blooming, the trees were changing colour and shedding their leaves. There were just so much beauty assaulting my senses whether it was nature, the architecture or the art. Love. Love. Love,

What I found very encouraging was that people still believed in God and loved Jesus. Mass attendance was not just new immigrants but those of French descent themselves, young and old. There is a great love and reverence for Mary as the mother of Jesus. There were just so many Marian Churches which leads me to believe it is our Mother who is helping to draw people to her Son still.

Part of French culture, or should I say Parisian culture specifically, is Catholicism. The artists, the writers, the politicians, the great thinkers of old, many were Catholic. And even if the creative monde weren’t practising Catholics, many were commissioned to create works that had a religious bent and bore glorious results. 

The beauty of the stained glass and murals adorning most churches I visited are all attempts to glorify God and impart a sense of reverence for our Maker. I have to say I did experience the intended sense of awe. It was wonderful to be able to celebrate the Eucharist daily in any church several times a day. It was also inspiring to visit the tombs or discover relics of so many saints and martyrs in Paris. So many incorrupt bodies of saints, so many places where holiness resides. So many wow moments for me. 

While the week was a vacation, it was a pilgrimage of sorts for me as well. I got to know more saints, read about their lives and spiritualities, and I had time to reflect and pray, whether I was sitting quietly in church, or walking outside in the sunshine. 

Life is beautiful. Life is good. God is beautiful. God is good. I found myself falling in love, again, and again, and again. Thank you, Paris, you are indeed beautiful in the fall. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to find you and love you in this beautiful city in so many ways.

Redemptive suffering

Thank you Father Bobby for sharing how and why we should make our suffering an instrument of salvation. Suffering need not be heedless or wasted. It can be more powerful than we think if we let God enter into our suffering and transform it.

Certainly suffering is never welcome

We don’t usually wish it on ourselves

But God is bigger than anyone or anything

So we can make it work for us

using it to save others’ souls 

while bringing comfort and consolation.

For redemptive suffering helps us

grow in holiness even as we make amends

for our own sins and shortcomings, 

All in one intentional act of selflessness.

Suffering can be an invitation to love more:

As we pray for family, friends and strangers

Where even enemies become brothers and sisters,

For sharing the same cup of bitterness unites us 

lending power to our painful prayer offerings,

We become more Christ-like when we choose to care.  

Let’s not forget the holy souls in purgatory, 

Especially those we’ve loved and lost,

Our own reparation is refined in our intercession

So pray for a thousand souls each day

Remember the nameless and faceless.

Nothing could be sweeter than eucharistia, 

As we lift our hands and hearts in thanksgiving,

At that sublime, sacred moment,

Our hearts and Christ’s are one.

The cross never looked more beautiful, more radiant. 

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

Word of testimony

I just attended a three-day retreat at the Church of the Blessed Sacrament over the weekend past and it was like a spiritual vitamin shot in the arm. The theme was: Rebuild my church, what Saint Francis of Assisi heard the Lord say to him in San Damiano. Father Bobby Emprayil, a Vincentian priest living in Manipur was our retreat master and he was a most inspiring preacher. 

In order to build the Kingdom of God, or Mother Church, the first order is to examine ourselves as temples of God, and see what we need to do to effect some self-restoration. 

Part two of the rebuild is the focus on how we can influence our families in positive ways, bring change in these mini churches of imperfect, broken relationships. By our own strength, our efforts are often futile. However, if we clothe ourselves in God’s holiness, and continue to do His will in all things, undeterred by hostile intransigence, the blights on our family tree can disappear, and give way to a healthy crop of good fruit. 

The final piece of the puzzle involves our efforts not just within our parishes - just as we receive so must we give to ensure our parishes are flourishing physically and spiritually - but beyond. As true disciples of Christ we must be as serious and unflagging as He was in saving souls: to the ends of the earth, at all times. Sounds daunting? It is. 

The reality is we live in a world where forces of evil are present and where we are beset every day with new challenges and setbacks. There are limitations to our energies and capabilities, constraints to our circumstances. Suffering is real. Yet we are called to seek God, know God, and love God with all our strength (Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph1). And He supplies us with all we need in order to reciprocate His tender, inexplicable love for us. As it says in Matthew 6:33 seek first His kingdom and all things will be given to you. 

Father Bobby highlighted ways in which we can shore up the foundations of our temples and grow in endurance which he describes as the willingness to accept any form of suffering with good cheer. Here they are:

Personal holiness. We need to live good Christian lives: praying constantly and availing ourselves of the sacraments on a frequent and regular basis. We also need to release unconditional forgiveness to those who hurt us, stay close to God in meek humility, and actively seeking to build up God’s kingdom. In this way we can rebuild ancient ruins and renew cities that have been devastated for generations (Isaiah 61:4). All things are possible. 

Commitment to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. A devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus will help us cultivate the zeal to save all souls, which is the will of the Father that Jesus took upon Himself to carry out to the point of giving His life up. It’s important to consecrate our families to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and commit to praying daily not just the Sacred Heart of Jesus devotion, but also the Divine Mercy chaplet. Fasting, as well as going for reconciliation and attending mass every first Friday of the month are recommended.

Commitment to the Word of God. Proclaim the Word of God out loud every day for there is great power when we speak the Word out loud and meditate on it. And for those of us who have not read the Bible cover to cover, Father Bobby encourages us to proclaim the Bible 30 minutes every day and to eventually read it from Genesis to Revelations in totality, at least once for starters. Father Bobby himself displays an impressive lively and intimate knowledge of the Word which also shows up in his humility, zeal and love for God. 

The Word of God is our personal protection for as Revelations 19:14 states the armies of heaven follow the Word of God, and verse 15 reminds us that out of his mouth comes a sword that can strike down nations. So when we pronounce and live the Word with faith, this will bring spirit and life into our families. Deep commitment will bring about deliverance. Change is around the corner. 

Commitment to our three mothers, earthly, heavenly and spiritual. 

1. We need to care for, spend time with and pray for the mothers who bore us, honouring the fourth commandment given to us. (Fathers are not left out but mothers do hold a special place in our hearts.)
2. To show our love and respect for Mother Mary, our heavenly mother, we should pray the rosary daily, which we already know is a powerful way to rout the evil one and this sincere and steadfast action of prayer gives rise to miracles.
3. The spiritual mother that helps us grow in faith is the holy Catholic Church. Mother Church, be it in Rome or where we reside is where the Trinity lives, where the saints and angels dwell. This is our church victorious and we need to honour and love our church, warts and all. Be of active service in your parish.

Commitment to giving/thanksgiving. The practice of tithing is highly recommended: one tenth of earned income, so that we know nothing we earn is by our own efforts, we are but stewards. Ownership is the Lord’s. If we give to God what is His, the whole tithe, then He in turn will pour out an overflowing blessing on us (Malachi 3:10). We are reminded to also be cheerful givers and to keep giving in the same vein Jesus Christ himself did, think woman at the well, feeding the hungry 5,000, the Gerasene demoniac...no one gets left behind. Jesus had a great desire for saving souls and so must we as His disciples. It’s something all the saints knew and engaged in as well. A good daily prayer to include in our arsenal of prayer: Jesus and Mary I love you, save souls.

Commitment/love for the Eucharist. The Eucharist is at the heart of the church from where miracles and deliverance occur. It is the source and summit of Christian life (Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1322) and to love the Eucharist is to listen to the heartbeat of the Lord. Besides daily mass, frequent visits to the Adoration Room are de rigeur. When we sit in front of Eucharist, we either hear the Lord’s heartbeat or, like Judas, we can allow Satan to enter into us so we must stay vigilant at all times in thought, word and action. Use our tongues only to bless others.

Readiness to accept suffering for the salvation of souls. 

Suffering does not come from God, although it exists in the world and we often experience it through no fault of our own. It is invariably used by the evil one to keep us far from God. However, when we unite what we are going through with the suffering of Jesus on the cross, when we honour His mission of saving souls, we transform our suffering, we make it redemptive, an instrument of salvation for others. 

2 Corinthians 7:10 tells us godly grief brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret whereas worldly sorrow brings death. So when we willingly accept sorrow, hardship, loss, persecution, all forms of suffering, for others, we can use it to glorify God. Our word of testimony, our unshrinking courage at death will triumph over the evil one (Revelations 12:11). 

Besides blessing others, we will receive supernatural strength to endure whatever we are undergoing. Think the angel ministering to Jesus in Gethsamane, or Stephen at his stoning who was filled with the Holy Spirit and could see God (Acts 7:55).

Apart from these seven recommendations above, Father Bobby made special mention of praying for souls in purgatory. If we especially pray for people we know and love, we will make a difference to our own family histories. 

P and I ended the three-day retreat full of zeal and love for Jesus and we bless Father Bobby for giving us this gift of himself. We see Jesus in him. Likewise we hope that others will see Jesus in us as we undertake to worship God with greater fervour. I end with another prayer he taught us to say daily: Jesus I love you, increase my love for you.