I had a perfect day last Thursday. It was my self-declared day off and although I didn't get enough rest in the night, which made me scatter-brained, the day still turned out perfect.
After bidding J and his sweet smile goodbye, I toddled over to Mummy's and had breakfast with her at the nearby hawker centre. The yummy chai tau kway and a milo peng hit the spot. It was gratifying that the CTK seller still remembers my order despite my prolonged absence. After breakfast we did a little marketing, clothes shopping and even found a new electricity provider to save money. I so love how HDB estates pack such a wealth of good and services that take care of practically all our needs within walking minutes.
We then hopped in a taxi and went to Gardens by the Bay to see the tulips. Both the domes were brimming with bright colours and luxuriant foliage. Despite my forgetting to bring my wallet, we managed to see the new Floral Fantasy attraction and it was absolutely gorgeous. We really enjoyed ourselves oohing and aahing over the amazing collection of hydrangeas (Mum's favourite flower) they had amassed.
It was past lunchtime when we bussed home (having run out of cash) and had a late lunch. I had forgotten how good the wanton noodles were at the same hawker centre we were at in the morning. Then I bade goodbye to the CTK seller and the drinks seller before walking back to pick up my things and head home.
On the way home I stopped by the butcher's to pick up organic mince which I steamed and pureed for the grandbaby's meals. Tried out a new recipe for roast pork (so close to a perfect crackling now), walked and played with J who is always good fun. Had dinner and watched a little TV with P before I finished watching Brené Brown's The Call to Courage before bedtime.
What she shares about joy resonates with me for she shares that it's the ordinary moments people who have lost someone miss most, not the extraordinary moments so don't go chasing those moments in life. It was in all those ordinary moments of my perfect day that I experienced joy: just hanging out with Mummy, eating breakfast, then lunch, frittering away time with her which I don't do as often as I wish. The other joyful ordinary moments involved walking in the park with P and J, both of whom I have recently allowed into my heart but love most dearly.
Brené Brown talks about how her life changed when she read a speech written by Theodore Roosevelt in 1910:
“It's not the critic who counts.
It's not the man who points out
how the strong man stumbles
or where the doer of deeds
could have done it different.
The credit belongs to the person
who's actually in the arena,
whose face is marred
with dust and sweat and blood,
who strives valiantly,
who errs,
who comes up short
again and again and again,
and who, in the end,
while he may know the triumph
of high achievement,
at least when he fails,
he does so daring greatly.”
She decided to live in the arena, be brave with her life, show up and take chances despite the research data she collected for. 20 years telling her this:
“If you're brave with your life,
you choose to live in the arena,
you're going to get your ass kicked.
You are going to fall.
You are going to fail.
You are going to know heartbreak.
It's a choice.
Her talk really validates my life choices for I have been daring greatly the day I said to Jesus I will follow you. I have made choices that have been excruciatingly humbling; I have fallen many times; and had a few epic failures. I have known the heartbreak of fractured relationships, of deep loss due to death of loved ones, and how choosing the narrow path exacts a price on relationships. All the above is still happening for I picked a new arena to get dusty, sweaty and bloody in but I know that as long as I walk closely with Jesus I will be alright no matter what.
From the hour-long talk, the words that connected with me were connection, vulnerability (BB’s TED talk on vulnerability and shame are also must-watch talks), courage, gratitude, belonging, joy and story. I highly recommend you watch the entire talk for there’s too much good stuff to share here. She shared that when we fear shame or criticism, we engineer smallness into our lives. We do not take risks. What I would like to pick up as a learning point for me are the stories we tell ourselves when we feel ashamed, upset, angry or fearful, especially in the relationships that matter most to us. My insight was that these stories are often shaped by my own insecurities, or unhealthy negative scripts that cause me to brood, prevent me from growing, and worse, create a damaging response. When I react badly, I create obstacles to truth, empathy, compassion and vulnerability. I hinder and fracture rather than build relationships.
Brené Brown calls it a magic sentence that also helps us build resilience: “It's just the story I'm telling myself.” If I can differentiate between this inner story and the real facts, if I dare to put myself out there in order to verify the truth, then I won’t drive myself crazy, be a b_ _ _ _ , eschew vulnerability and push away the ones I love most.
If I dare to share these stories when I feel most ashamed, when I risk exposing my vulnerability, that’s where I will gain what I want most, and that is to be seen, heard and accepted for who I am by my loved ones, and thus belong, which is hard-wired into my DNA as Brené Brown puts it. Up close and intimate is the lifeblood of relationships and it is this that gives us a sense of belonging. She has this to say:
Belonging...
is belonging to yourself first.
Speaking your truth, telling your story,
and never betraying yourself
for other people.
True belonging doesn't require you
to change who you are.
It requires you to be who you are,
and that's vulnerable.
At the same time there is a caveat, our life stories are a gift and a privilege not meant for all and sundry. Know who are the people who love you and would honour your stories and share with them. As for the rest, try not to care what they think for it does not matter. Disclosure without boundaries is not vulnerability. When I look at what some people disclose on FB I am often horrified. Waaay too much information.
Coming back to my perfect day, Brené Brown says this. “We are terrified to feel joy” as it is the most vulnerable of all human emotions. We often experience what she terms as foreboding joy and we diminish the moment by wondering what bad thing will happen almost as a consequence to the joy we feel. She advises we practise gratitude and:
Just choose joy sometimes.
Just choose a thing
that seems frivolous and fun
and has no ROI or payoff or upside.
Just do the joyful thing.
So my very ordinary day was perfect because I chose joy, to spend time with my mother and be myself, to allow myself to be seen, heard and loved by her and vice versa. So grateful for the day even though at the back of my mind I know our time together is finite. I give thanks for the beauty and richness of this perfect day where I could just be and belong, exercise my talents and indulge my feminine genius of nurturing others, and I thank God for the gift of my mother who makes me strong and all things good with her unconditional love. Lastly, I give thanks for the place I call home now, next to P, the children and grandbaby J.
