Lenten Reflection Day 8

At the judgment the men of Nineveh will arise with this generation and condemn it, because at the preaching of Jonah they repented, and there is something greater than Jonah here.” Luke 12:32

Today’s readings recall strongly the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18:9-14. The wicked Ninevites repented fairly quickly and sincerely when they heard the prophet Jonah’s message from God which was imminent destruction for their wickedness. They were conscious of their sins and knew they required God’s mercy to be saved, much like the tax collector in the parable. Because of their humble contrition, they were saved. 

Ironically, the people during Jesus’ time refused to believe Him, even when they witnessed firsthand the many miracles He wrought. Worse, they attributed His healings to demons. They are like the Pharisee in the parable who thought themselves saved through their own righteousness. Out of pride, they could not see their own sins and therefore repent. They scorned the carpenter’s son and closed their minds to seeing “something greater than Jonah here”, the Son of God Himself. They were so blind they could not see that they themselves were breaking their beloved law when they plotted His murder.

Am I the tax collector or the Pharisee in my walk with Jesus? Do I always see my own sin before me and make an effort to ask for forgiveness and correct myself, or do I tell myself I am okay, I am much better than all those sinners out there for I don’t commit obvious crimes, and besides, no one knows if I “sin” a little now and then. Little sins, like little white lies, don’t count anyway. 

It is so easy to rationalize my own actions and dull my own conscience; so easy to be one of the evil generation. Maybe it’s time to fess up and bring all my little sins, all my dark secrets to the light this Lent. For I know the Lord is gracious and merciful and all I have to do is return to Him with my whole heart to be saved. But no procrastination, in case I may be too late.

Lenten Reflection Day 7

 Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.   Mark 6:8

In today’s first reading from Isaiah 55, God says his word goes forth from his mouth and does not return void, instead it does His will, achieving the end for which He sent it. His word is fertile, fruitful and even nourishingly edible. His word is alive as we see in John’s gospel where it was incarnated in the person of Jesus Christ. 

Words we speak can bless or curse others as they can bless or curse us who pronounce them. Thus we should be careful not only with what we say but how we speak and when we utter our words. Growing up with a grandmother who knew how to use expertly use words as a weapon to hurt grievously I have always tried to be careful with my words. I don’t always succeed, especially when my feelings are involved, but I do my best to live by the principle of clarifying my intent before I speak. Once hurtful, malicious words depart my lips, I can never retract them and they will always leave an indelible mark behind even if forgiveness and healing take place. 

Precisely because my Father knows what I need before I ask Him, I should use my words of prayer more judiciously by praying the Lord’s Prayer sincerely. It is the perfect prayer for in it I can first honour Him and His holy name, then orientate my whole being towards doing His will and trusting in His providence, asking for nothing more than forgiveness of my sins and the ability to forgive others. And, of course, to ask for protection against temptation and deliverance from evil. 

Lord Jesus, I pray today that my words will always be as fertile and fruitful as yours were when you were on earth. You who are God’s word, you are the way and truth and the life. May I always utter your words of love and truth and be a blessing to others for I know how blessed I am in you. 

Lenten Reflection Day 6

And when the chief Shepherd is revealed, you will receive the unfading crown of glory. 1 Peter 4

Today is the Feast of the Chair of Saint Peter, rough fisherman turned first pope of the Roman Catholic Church. I identify very much with Saint Peter in his early days when he was a diamond in the rough. His heart was in the right place but his words and actions were less than impressive. He would say the wrong thing, his courage would fail him and he would run away and desert the Lord at the crucial moment. 

However, even when his weak faith failed him, it also led him to repent, weeping bitterly in remorse, and to ultimately come back to the resurrected Lord with a faith that led to his eventual crucifixion. He grew into his mission which Jesus pronounced in today’s gospel (Mathew 16:13-19) that Peter would be the rock that Lord would build his church upon. 

If I were Peter, I would have been terrified to hear those words. And yet, I also know when I say yes to being His stone, rock being perhaps a tad too lofty for me, I will have help. He will send the Holy Spirit to aid me as He did for Peter at the first Pentecost. When I say yes to being His hands and feet, His voice, Jesus will supply everything else. So what do I have to fear? Even when I stumble, He will be there to pick me up. I just have to be like Peter and allow myself to be schooled by the Spirit of God.

Like Peter, all of us are called to be shepherds. We must do as the chief Shepherd did - helping others find their way, protecting them from danger, leading them to green pastures and restful waters so their spiritual tummies are filled, and attending to them when they are hurt. It is a full-time job,and often back-breaking and thankless, but I do so look forward to hearing Jesus praise me good and faithful servant, that would be my crown of unfading glory.

Lenten Reflection Day 5

 and he remained in the desert for forty days, tempted by Satan. He was among wild beasts, and the angels ministered to him. Mark 1:13

The relationship God wants to establish with each one of us is just like the one He had with Jesus. It is covenantal in nature, binding, intimate, vibrant and life-giving. Although Christ was in the desert for 40 days, no small amount of time, He was protected whether from the devil or wild beasts. Likewise, the Father will protect me from evil and save me from temptation and sin if I so desire, if I say yes to this covenantal relationship with Him.

Saying yes implies a certain way of living, living out God’s love and truth no matter what happens to me. Come rain, come shine, I espouse His ways to the end, whether it be bitter or sweet. Such constancy in faith requires vigilance, zeal and endurance. We already know what happened to Jesus, He came, He loved and was persecuted for it. By remaining true to who He was, He was crucified. Don’t expect it to be too different if you are His disciple.

So why would I choose to be Christian? Because despite all the trials that will come in life, I know that nothing can take away the deep joy and consolation, this inner peace that comes from having a covenantal relationship with Him. I know that He will always be there for me, and that He will see me through the darkest valleys, as He has done in the past. His love sustains me especially when I am down. And He always sends angels to take care of me in my time of need. 

I experience His love in countless ways every single day. There are so many miracles to take in and marvel at daily. What’s more, I do not have to agonize much when it comes to making hard decisions for things are clear when I say yes to being in covenant with the Father. Life can be simple, and simply good. 

Lenten Reflection Day 4

 ...He said to him, “Follow me.” And leaving everything behind, he got up and followed him.    Luke 5:27-28

Almost every time Jesus says to someone in the Bible “Follow me!”, the person responds immediately, leaving everything behind. I always wondered about that for not really given to impulse, I don’t think I would have followed Jesus so quickly. What was it about our Lord that would have people acting with such alacrity? The answer lies in the verse 32 when Jesus tells the Pharisees and scribes that it is the sinners He has come to call to repentance. 

When I think back on my initial conversion, the first moment I met Jesus, I did actually leave everything behind to follow Him - just like that. I did it because He saw past all my sins and forgave me with such compassion that I knew He was the one I had been searching for all my life, the only one who would love me with such incredible and unconditional love, undeserving as I was. 

I was ready to follow Him to the ends of the earth if He so commanded for I was set free from living a life with no meaning. As His disciple I was given a higher purpose: to love God and my neighbour as He loves me. I am called to spread the most excellent good news to my fellow sinners: 

“So you’re a sinner, no big deal. If you repent, your sins will be forgiven. You are then free to become this awesome person our Father has created you to be. You get a free pass to a new life, a great one, filled with joy, peace and true love. It’s a chance to reinvent yourself. Who gets such an opportunity? Guess what, you do, today, and every day. So what are you waiting for? Repent! Don’t wait a second longer.

Lenten Reflection Day 3

 Day 3

Isaiah is vey explicit on what true fasting is all about in chapter 58. Fasting does not imply an activity that only impacts oneself. The hunger I feel should mean more than just I am able to attain some merit, self-mastery, or that I am experiencing hunger in solidarity with those who are hungry due to poverty. Or goody, I am going to lose weight.

The feeling of hunger should lead me to respond.  I should not only offer it up with my prayer for others to make my intercession more powerful, but I should also act to ensure someone doesn’t go hungry today. I can open my eyes to see who are the oppressed, the homeless, the naked and the needy in my immediate vicinity and reach out.  I don’t even have to look very far at times, for it could be someone I know, my own kin. And should I not help my own brother or sister if I help strangers? 

Fasting from excess, doing without in order that I can channel what I have deprived myself of and put it towards helping the marginalized is what Isaiah exhorts. He wants my time, my effort, my money - how can I use them in a way that will bless others, especially those others who would never be able to reciprocate, and to do it sensitively such that I still respect the dignity of the other. It is definitely food for thought today, especially with the sweetener Isaiah promises in verse 11:

The Lord will guide you continually,

and satisfy your needs in parched places,

and make your bones strong;

and you shall be like a watered garden,

like a spring of water,

whose waters never fail. 

Lenten Reflection Days 1 & 2

 S recently challenged me to write a set of daily Lenten reflections - she had given me a set of beautiful Advent reflection cards last Christmas. I said I would try my best. Sorry I am a little late but here goes:

Day 1

A clean heart create for me, O God, and a steadfast spirit renew within me. 

Verse 10 of Psalm 51 encapsulates Lent, which, for me, is an opportunity to regain purity and constancy. I hear the cry to come back with my whole heart, to return to a state of holiness for every day I will fall, no matter how hard I try. So every day I must seek a way home to my Father. One way is through the prescribed practices of Lent which are prayer, fasting and alms-giving:

* Prayer not only puts me in touch with my Maker but with my inner self in order to see where I should be going and what I should be doing. Prayer is my bridge to the Sacred Heart of Jesus who loves all humanity and desires unity with every single person on earth through mercy and compassion. 

* Fasting prepares my mind, my heart, my whole being for fasting allows me to master my senses in a way that helps me build spiritual muscle. Discipline is necessary if I wish to be a worthy disciple of Christ. Discipline is what will see me through my bad days, my weaknesses and my failings. Like the prodigal I can always come home to Him with a repentant heart knowing He will always forgive me. And yet, at the same time, I desire to be less of a prodigal each day, so discipline will help me get there. 

* Alms-giving reminds me of how fortunate I am and how much I have been given. Precisely because I have experienced His generosity, I am called to do the same, to share what I have been given with those who need assistance. Not just but especially during this Lenten season, I need to hear the cries of my brothers and sisters in need and reciprocate in love, give with a charitable heart to those who need financial assistance. 

Day 2

Choose life, then, that you and your descendants may live, by loving the Lord, your God, heeding his voice, and holding fast to him. 

In Deuteronomy 30:19-20 Moses lays out in no uncertain terms what will happen if we decide to choose or reject God and His ways, the difference between life or death. It is very clear that the decision to live as a Christian is no easy one. Jesus talks about self-denial and how we must be able to take up our cross daily to follow Him. 

Having been a committed Christian for the last 18 years, I sometimes wonder if I am doing all I can to be more and more like Jesus. Have I lost the zeal and fire I once had? There is no denying I have grown spiritually through the years, and have acquired many virtues to some degree. Sometimes this makes it harder to discern whether I have grown complacent, or have fallen victim to pride in my self-righteous and judgmental ways. Purifying my motivation is so very necessary. This call to lose my life for His sake to save it helps me orientate my motives and intentions, my whole being back to Jesus. 

He was and He is my all in all. Everything I have now in my life is because He desired to give me everything. While I am grateful, I also ask for the grace to always hold it all lightly in my hands, to know my pilgrim status and not get too attached to pleasures, money, people, things and ideals. 

If I place all my hope in Him, heeding His voice and holding fast to Him, maybe, just maybe, I will get to live eternal life not just with the Almighty, but together with my earthly family, my loved ones whom I would wish very much to be there wth me in Paradise. In the meantime, the love I have for my Father centres me and helps me make the right decisions in life. Taking up my cross is not as burdensome as it would seem, and losing my life can be extremely rewarding.

Seeking divine grace

On this day in 1957 my parents said yes to marriage, to be there for each other until death effects a parting. Much as my father desired to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary together, he succumbed to cancer in August 2003. 

While their life together had its moments, Daddy was a real terror at times, it was lovely watching them together, their “coupleness”. After 40 odd years of marriage, they still had real conversations with each other, they hung out together and they had a gentle affection for each other. They had grown into each other in a way I would like to do with P. Two separate individuals with distinct personalities and likes who could come together and blend harmoniously in the commons of marital love.

I was joking with a friend that P and I would never celebrate 50 years of marriage, hence I made the most of our 50 months together, but in truth, the brevity of our time together has so much packed in it that the quantitative seems unimportant. I have grown accustomed to the rhythms of our life together and I (don’t know about him) simply cannot imagine life being any other way. Grateful for the richness I have experienced and I pray never to take it for granted, ever.

Marriages don’t seem to be as robust as marriages of my parents’ generation. There will always be periods where relationships are turbulent and difficult. And yet such times are part and parcel of every marriage. I must admit I have thought my mother foolish in the past for putting up with so much abuse from my father. I was foolishly too modern in my thinking looking only for quick fixes and espousing disposable relationships. Despite their difficulties and struggles, there was also much beauty and joy in their relationship, especially in latter years. The bad did become good because divorce was not an option and they made it work. Short of having made a bad choice - here I would term a bad choice as someone who was dishonest, unethical, violent, abusive or with sociopathic tendencies, someone who leads you to sin - we should not give up on marriage so easily, there is always a way.

This is where supernatural grace comes in for marriages to not only survive but thrive. A supernatural grace that can only flow from a couple’s individual and collective faith: a belief in the institution of marriage and their own marriage, as well as a belief in God’s mercy and forgiveness that transforms the individual such that they can surmount past hurts, even bad childhoods, in order to bring healing and growth into their relationship as a couple. 

In my bathroom I have a papal apostolic blessing that blesses our marriage and it reads: that their love consecrated at the altar will be blessed each day by divine graces. I place it where I can see it and read it not because I believe this piece of paper holds any special powers, but that it serves as a timely reminder to me: divine graces must be sought before they can be attained and experienced fully. 

We seek divine grace when we seek the better of the other. This all-encompassing better of the other demands that I work out all my own baggage of fears, insecurities, bad scripts, unhealthy patterns of behaviour, selfish desires and egoistic narcissism before I present myself at the table of marriage. I need to better myself every day before I can work on the goal of wanting the better of my spouse.

At the table of marriage I must present the best of who I am, together with a listening and forgiving heart, an empathetic and gentle tongue, a sensitive and gracious spirit, a grateful, patient, good-humoured demeanour even when I feel least like it. Did I mention perseverance is key for I also need to actively seek the better of my spouse every day and evermore. 

Whatever hurts I experience I leave at the feet of the Lord, always begging the Lord for wisdom to know how I should navigate in every circumstance, especially when I feel I am not heard, or when I am taken for granted. Oftentimes I do not even have to address the situation for somehow prayer helps me resolve it by either giving me a new perspective through insight, or giving him one. Prayer allows me to go outside of myself and expand my capacity to love in order that I can give generously until it hurts, and then give some more. As Mother Teresa put it: I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

I have a friend who thinks I am crazy to do what I do, who thinks I am a door mat and foolish. What I have found is the more you give in love, the more you receive, bearing in mind that there is no expectation in the first place of what comes back to you. Love has to be unconditional. 

Marriage is a constant ebb and flow of give and take, it requires openness of heart and the ability to change when change is what brings about harmony. I can only thank God that He has endowed both P and I with this pragmatism to do what is necessary to make our marriage work. Knowing exactly what to do doesn’t make it any easier to execute, great sacrifice may be demanded at times, but when one gives freely, even greater rewards come, as I have found. So don’t be afraid to give generously. Don’t be stingy. 

I thank my parents for being such great role models of what to do and what not to do as spouses. While Daddy is no longer with us, I am sure he is still watching out for Mummy and the four of us. Remembering Daddy and Mummy today who said yes to a life together and to bringing me into being, along with my brothers. Divine grace helped my parents remain true to each other to the end as I hope and pray it helps me and P today and in the coming years.

Love Triumphantly

When someone you have loved your entire life leaves, she or he leaves behind a huge hole in your life that nothing can ever fill. More so when your relationship has been filled with light, goodness, love and laughter. Mine with E was such a relationship. Our relationship was layered with all the wonderful things the Spirit endowed with generous abundance: faith, hope, unconditional love, wisdom, joy, gentleness, truth, peace, empathy, freedom and compassion. There was, still is, a purity in our love for each other, a truly rare gift from God. 

While my grief runs deep, I know I cannot remain stuck in it. For to do so would not honour the love we had for each other and especially the love we have for our Creator. In the book of Wisdom, chapter 14 cautions against a father’s grief that leads to honouring the image of a dead child as god. Thus, we must be careful not to divinize loved ones we have lost, and so fall into a form of idolatry. 

The best way I can remember E and continue to honour our relationship is not to dwell on times past, precious as they were, but to do whatever she would do in any given situation in my present and future times. It is an extremely tall order for she was so much more kinder, wiser, and compassionate than I am, but if I do whatever the Lord tells me, I will get there, just as E did, she who always strove to do the will of God in her life. She, of course, took it to a level not many of us can achieve, but that doesn’t mean that I will not die trying. 

Having just completed the books of Maccabees, I am inspired by the lessons of zeal and faith contained within, and how I can draw on the Maccabean lessons in dealing with my grief. 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church talks about the three states of the Church that exist. There is, first, people like you and me, disciples of Christ who are pilgrims on earth. We are the Church Militant, soldiers of Christ who constantly do battle with our own preponderance to sin, as well as with the spiritual presence of evil in the world around us. What we do in our daily lives to shine the light of Christ that edifies ourselves and others is vital. 

As a member of the Church Militant, I continue to love E by being the person she has taught me to be, a stalwart warrior of Christ: to be like Judas Maccabeus, who fully relied on God’s power to do battle even when the odds were incredibly high; to always give thanks and praise to God in a celebratory and public manner, never forgetting the one who made all things possible; and to help the souls of the dead by offering prayer and masses.

Then there is the state of purification the recently dead soldiers of Christ go through known as the Church Penitent, also known as Church Suffering or Church Expectant. This is more commonly known as purgatory among Catholics and it is where our earthly sins and attachments are cleansed before the joys of heaven can be fully embraced. The only way those in purgatory can be cleansed properly and return fully to the Lord is through the prayers of the living - that’s where you and I come in. 

The focus of my prayer life has transformed in the last 18 months to include those in purgatory in a more intentional way. As Father Bobby put it, we are put here on earth to save souls, not just the souls of those who are still with us, but also the souls of those who cannot pray for themselves, those in purgatory. 

Since E’s passing, I have been praying fervently for her swift return to the Father’s embrace. Now while she herself cannot pray for this to happen, she can still pray for us who are left behind. Hence I have been seeking her intercession, and I know that whether she is still Church Penitent or is now part of Church Triumphant, her prayers are equally efficacious.

Finally there is Church Triumphant, where those who have returned to the Father’s embrace “are in glory, contemplating ‘in full light, God himself triune and one, exactly as he is'” (CCC 954). These are our saints, whether they are officially recognized or not. These are the ones, including our departed loved ones who, in enduring faith, ran the good race, and are now crowned with glory in heaven. 

I believe that E is already a saint, or soon to be, and our relationship has taken on a mystical bonding, a spiritual unity that is beyond human understanding, in the communion of saints. When on earth she prayed for my return to Jesus and her prayers bore fruit. Now in heaven I am sure she is still praying for me and for many others so that we can all eventually be together, Church Triumphant, just as the Creator desired from the very beginning. In the book of Maccabees, the prayers of the saints, the prophets, helped Judas Maccabeus win impossible battles. E will be my Onias and my Jeremiah, and will do likewise. What an incredible blessing! I hope to return to Jesus as she did, in triumphant love.

Firstfruits of 50

P and I just celebrated our 50th month-versary - a milestone in our life together. It was nice that we got to celebrate with mass as we usually try to do, with gratitude and in thanksgiving. It was the first day of the Lunar New Year as well so after mass we spent the day celebrating with family, then we went home for a much needed siesta, followed by a walk, then dinner. There was even time to play with the grandkids before just chilling before the telly like an old married couple.  

There is such grace in the daily rituals of life such as exercising together (although we don’t do that often enough), eating together as a family, sharing life and laughter. It is little pleasures that come from the simple things, and not the grand gestures, that mark the marriage with quiet joy, pleasures often overlooked and taken for granted if we do not stop to acknowledge them and offer them up with thanksgiving back to the Father who first bestowed them. 

When I really look at P, I see who he is and why I fell in love with him, and I continue to love him just a little bit more for everything that he is, the total package. Sure, there are things about him that rub me the wrong way and irritate me, as I am sure I do him. However, God has given us the wisdom and charity to know what we should hold on to and what to discard in order that we can build a marriage that is founded on mutual respect, love and honour. We are far from perfect as individuals but because we decide to live for Christ and all that He stands for, we are able to forgo our egos, our need to be right, and even the instances when we are actually right and the other is wrong. 

So what have the 50 months of marriage stood for? It has been a time of getting to know each other better, of deeper bonding, of learning to love the other in a multitude of ways that were new and challenging in the initial stages, but ultimately proved enriching, delightful even, in repetition. It has been a time of testing and endurance, of great stretching, which has led to growth and a fruiting unimagined. I may not have enjoyed every moment, but I would not exchange a single milligram of pain for it is only in the bitter that sweetness is truly appreciated and savoured fully. 

The number 50 in the Bible signifies the coming of the Holy Spirit, Pentecost or the Feast of Weeks also known as the Feast of Firstfruits. P and I lay at the Lord’s feet the firststfruits of our marriage, all the choice blessings of marriage we have experienced. In thanksgiving, we honour Him for bringing us together in holy matrimony, and for journeying with us all these months. His Spirit is certainly what drives us to always desire and seek the good of the other even at great personal sacrifice. 

May we continue to walk in His ways and see His face when we chance upon or gaze fondly at the other’s visage. 

Dreaming to let go

I dreamt of E last night. We were chatting and she was doing what she did best, challenging me to live out my vocation to the fullest by using what gifts I have been given; hence this post. She was telling me to write. I have not been open to dreaming about E until yesterday for I felt, somehow, that if I dreamt of her, it would mean her passing was final and I wasn’t quite ready to accept that reality even though my brain knows she is no longer here.

It is hard letting go. It is painful; to let go for one has to process one’s emotions by naming them: the grief, frustration, fear, horror, loss, bewilderment, regret, anger and hurt... I also have to acknowledge how deeply I mourn her passing, allowing all the sadness I felt from as far back as four years ago to surface and sit with it. Most of all I have to acknowledge the deep grief I felt seeing her suffer in those last days, the sense of helplessness I felt from not being able to make her feel better.

There is such great pain in seeing someone you love suffer and knowing that whatever you do to help in concrete terms is futile and pathetic. My love was simply not enough. All I could do was stand by and weep at the awful decline wrought by the cancer. The horror and the sorrow runs deep.

Then there is the sense of loss from the aching void her death has left behind. Even though I did not live with her, her absence is palpable. And yet, as one of her dear friends said to me, E is still here, but in a different way. P said she was able to connect to E through prayer, spiritually, and I guess I need to learn to do the same.  

As Christians who believe in eternal life and the communion of saints, I get that we are still united through love and we will eventually experience a union in heaven that far supersedes the way we have experienced love on earth, but I still miss the conversations, the closeness of shared experiences, the familial love we had for each other for over 50 years that was so rooted in our mutual love for Christ in latter years. 

My gratitude runs deep that God in His infinite wisdom and mercy saw fit to gift the two of us with the gift of the other. Our relationship was pure gift, so much so that not even death can separate us fully for our bond of love is unbreakable, founded, as it were, on the Creator’s own love. 

I know in days to come that I will still be guided by her spirit which was so deeply grafted on Christ Himself. I continue to ask for the grace to transmute my grief into something more powerful, something that purifies the way I love those around me into a self-giving and humble love that brings healing, wholeness and great spiritual joy. 

I let go of the past today, wonderful as it was, and I look to the future with hope and excitement for E is still with me, guiding me on my way forward. Thanks for stopping by in my dream, E. Love you much.  

Remembering

Today is the birthday of J who would have been 53 if he were still with us. It is also the two-month anniversary of E’s passing. It is a bit of a double whammy for me as they were both so dear to me and I feel their absence quite keenly. 

Their leaving has left a huge void in my life for we were buddies first before we were cousins. I kept in touch with both frequently when they were living abroad, and saw them regularly when they were living in Singapore. We shared our lives - celebrated our victories, and commiserated over our sorrows.

Yet I am reminded of a homily which I heard at the start of this year to give thanks; be grateful for everything in my life. And I am grateful that the Father saw fit to place both E and J in my life which has been enriched immeasurably. 

The laughter, the tears, the good and bad times, we have walked together through it all. Nothing can erase the memories except perhaps my own faulty memory, and yet, at the end of it all, the deep love I have for both of them will remain.  

Today I celebrate dear J’s birthday by giving thanks to the Creator with a little prayer that J is now in Paradise with Him, as is E. Kisskiss, hughug, much love, me cozzies. I am so glad you were, and still are in my life. Happy, happy birthday J.