Kenosis

It isn’t easy I agree

To let go of ego and pride

Subsume my own needs

Always putting others before my

Desires and physical limitations 

I am tired! I have worked hard

Why should I be the one to 

Give in, give up

Go the extra mile

Again and again 

Day after day?

Surely I deserve better 

It doesn’t seem right somehow

But true love isn’t about fairness

It begins by me choosing the better part 

Followed by wanting what’s best for the other 

Taking the Spirit’s lead in a heartbeat

Acting with both wisdom and mercy.

I may be weak and a sinner

But He is indefatigable and perfect

Let me die and live 

In His love

In His name.

Each death leaves an indelible mark

Layering on layering of pearlescent holiness 

The result of tears - agonizing and copious.

Dying is a difficult, solitary business

Gethsemane a garden shrouded in darkness

Yet so much can come from the dying grain 

The humbling submission to His will

New shoots, new buds, eventual flowers 

Bring a fruitfulness unimaginably beautiful.

Death truly transcends into a celebration of life

Join in the dance 

Trust, and die to self

Live completely in Christ

For eternity is just around the corner.

Birthday wishes

Words fail me when I think of us

For you mean so much to me
A dear, dear love of my life
Impossible to put it in a few paltry phrases
What you are, who you are to me
The impact you've made on my life
I am His because you showed me
It's never too late to turn back
Your greatest gift to me was
An intimate, life-changing encounter with Him
Love compassionate, infinite and unconditional.
Thank you for being my guiding star
A sister, confidant and friend,
Beloved companion on life's journey.
My wishes for you are simple:
Seven that you have a perfect year
Completely healed in His love.
May the peace of JP2 be yours
Even on dismal days, and remember:
Life is a wedding celebration no matter what
Nuptial joy can be yours - to have and to hold
So persevere in difficult times
Take courage! For the strength of angels 
Will bear you up in hope
Two yellows for golden, exuberant days 
Peach for small but abundant moments 
Beauteously present in each day.
Be blessed. Be well. Always and forever. 

The story of my perfect day

I had a perfect day last Thursday. It was my self-declared day off and although I didn't get enough rest in the night, which made me scatter-brained, the day still turned out perfect.

After bidding J and his sweet smile goodbye, I toddled over to Mummy's and had breakfast with her at the nearby hawker centre. The yummy chai tau kway and a milo peng hit the spot. It was gratifying that the CTK seller still remembers my order despite my prolonged absence. After breakfast we did a little marketing, clothes shopping and even found a new electricity provider to save money. I so love how HDB estates pack such a wealth of good and services that take care of practically all our needs within walking minutes.

We then hopped in a taxi and went to Gardens by the Bay to see the tulips. Both the domes were brimming with bright colours and luxuriant foliage. Despite my forgetting to bring my wallet, we managed to see the new Floral Fantasy attraction and it was absolutely gorgeous. We really enjoyed ourselves oohing and aahing over the amazing collection of hydrangeas (Mum's favourite flower) they had amassed.

It was past lunchtime when we bussed home (having run out of cash) and had a late lunch. I had forgotten how good the wanton noodles were at the same hawker centre we were at in the morning. Then I bade goodbye to the CTK seller and the drinks seller before walking back to pick up my things and head home.

On the way home I stopped by the butcher's to pick up organic mince which I steamed and pureed for the grandbaby's meals. Tried out a new recipe for roast pork (so close to a perfect crackling now), walked and played with J who is always good fun. Had dinner and watched a little TV with P before I finished watching Brené Brown's The Call to Courage before bedtime.

What she shares about joy resonates with me for she shares that it's the ordinary moments people who have lost someone miss most, not the extraordinary moments so don't go chasing those moments in life. It was in all those ordinary moments of my perfect day that I experienced joy: just hanging out with Mummy, eating breakfast, then lunch, frittering away time with her which I don't do as often as I wish. The other joyful ordinary moments involved walking in the park with P and J, both of whom I have recently allowed into my heart but love most dearly. 

Brené Brown talks about how her life changed when she read a speech written by Theodore Roosevelt in 1910:

“It's not the critic who counts.

It's not the man who points out

how the strong man stumbles

or where the doer of deeds

could have done it different.

The credit belongs to the person

who's actually in the arena,

whose face is marred

with dust and sweat and blood,

who strives valiantly,

who errs,

who comes up short

again and again and again,

and who, in the end,

while he may know the triumph

of high achievement,

at least when he fails,

he does so daring greatly.”

She decided to live in the arena, be brave with her life, show up and take chances despite the research data she collected for. 20 years telling her this: 

“If you're brave with your life,

you choose to live in the arena,

you're going to get your ass kicked. 

You are going to fall.

You are going to fail.

You are going to know heartbreak.

It's a choice.

Her talk really validates my life choices for I have been daring greatly the day I said to Jesus I will follow you. I have made choices that have been excruciatingly humbling; I have fallen many times; and had a few epic failures. I have known the heartbreak of fractured relationships, of deep loss due to death of loved ones, and how choosing the narrow path exacts a price on relationships. All the above is still happening for I picked a new arena to get dusty, sweaty and bloody in but I know that as long as I walk closely with Jesus I will be alright no matter what.

From the hour-long talk, the words that connected with me were connection, vulnerability (BB’s TED talk on vulnerability and shame are also must-watch talks), courage, gratitude, belonging, joy and story. I highly recommend you watch the entire talk for there’s too much good stuff to share here. She shared that when we fear shame or criticism, we engineer smallness into our lives. We do not take risks. What I would like to pick up as a learning point for me are the stories we tell ourselves when we feel ashamed, upset, angry or fearful, especially in the relationships that matter most to us. My insight was that these stories are often shaped by my own insecurities, or unhealthy negative scripts that cause me to brood, prevent me from growing, and worse, create a damaging response. When I react badly, I create obstacles to truth, empathy, compassion and vulnerability. I hinder and fracture rather than build relationships.

Brené Brown calls it a magic sentence that also helps us build resilience: “It's just the story I'm telling myself.” If I can differentiate between this inner story and the real facts, if I dare to put myself out there in order to verify the truth, then I won’t drive myself crazy, be a b_ _ _ _ , eschew vulnerability and push away the ones I love most. 

If I dare to share these stories when I feel most ashamed, when I risk exposing my vulnerability, that’s where I will gain what I want most, and that is to be seen, heard and accepted for who I am by my loved ones, and thus belong, which is hard-wired into my DNA as Brené Brown puts it. Up close and intimate is the lifeblood of relationships and it is this that gives us a sense of belonging. She has this to say:

Belonging...

is belonging to yourself first.

Speaking your truth, telling your story,

and never betraying yourself

for other people.

True belonging doesn't require you

to change who you are.

It requires you to be who you are,

and that's vulnerable.

At the same time there is a caveat, our life stories are a gift and a privilege not meant for all and sundry. Know who are the people who love you and would honour your stories and share with them. As for the rest, try not to care what they think for it does not matter. Disclosure without boundaries is not vulnerability. When I look at what some people disclose on FB I am often horrified. Waaay too much information. 

Coming back to my perfect day, Brené Brown says this. “We are terrified to feel joy” as it is the most vulnerable of all human emotions. We often experience what she terms as foreboding joy and we diminish the moment by wondering what bad thing will happen almost as a consequence to the joy we feel. She advises we practise gratitude and:

Just choose joy sometimes.

Just choose a thing

that seems frivolous and fun

and has no ROI or payoff or upside. 

Just do the joyful thing.

So my very ordinary day was perfect because I chose joy, to spend time with my mother and be myself, to allow myself to be seen, heard and loved by her and vice versa. So grateful for the day even though at the back of my mind I know our time together is finite. I give thanks for the beauty and richness of this perfect day where I could just be and belong, exercise my talents and indulge my feminine genius of nurturing others, and I thank God for the gift of my mother who makes me strong and all things good with her unconditional love. Lastly, I give thanks for the place I call home now, next to P, the children and grandbaby J. 

Labour of love

This May Day past I attended an outreach the Woman to Woman Ministry ran at the Church of Saint Ignatius. It was a bittersweet time for me for I miss being part of this ministry, and I miss journeying with this group of sisters whom I love. I did however experience great joy at seeing all of them again and witnessing how they worked well together to minister to the women who came. All of them have grown in confidence and used their individual gifts well. I felt such pride at their accomplished facilitation of the event and how they allowed the Holy Spirit to work through them and touch those present, giving each one a very concrete experience of God’s love. And I thank God for the opportunity to be with them the entire day. Love you, my sisters in Christ.

Who do you say I am?

I am He who created you

The beautiful woman you are

Dressed in your hurts and wounds

Still radiant despite the brokenness

Despair dimming your eyes

Come and take my hand

I am walking right beside you

Even in the darkest valley

I am your strength and shield

You are my beloved daughter

A princess with an invisible crown 

If you let me I can be your all in all

Your lover and your friend

The shepherd of your soul

Your delight in blackest night

I am all the love that you need 

Seek me every day and see

The truth of who you are

Enjoy the wonder of your being

Marvel at your awesomeness 

No one can steal your identity away

So don’t let them! Be strong

Let the stars and dots slide away

Centre yourself in me and

I will give you the living water

So you can have eternal life

Eternal joy can be yours as well

You can live fully - a perfect life

Your weakness being my strength  

So my darling, give me your burdens

Remove your chains, set yourself free 

Come home to me, come home.

Power breakfast with Jesus

During my cell group meeting last Tuesday, we did lectio divina on today’s gospel from John 21:1-19. It is the one where Peter goes back to his old trade, fishing, and the beloved disciple, along with five other disciples are in the boat with Peter. They catch nothing the whole night, until someone from the shore suggests they put out over the starboard side. The beloved disciple then recognizes it is Jesus who is on the shore and tells Peter. The near-naked Peter dons his cloak and dives into the water swimming towards Jesus while the rest keep busy hauling in their huge catch of 153 fish before making for the shore. Jesus invites them to a breakfast he has prepared of charcoal grilled fish and bread, and he also asks them to bring some of their catch to cook over the flames. He serves them the bread and cooked fish.

Here is where Jesus also redeems Peter’s previously cowardly behaviour and re-instates him by asking him if he loves Him three times, then asking him to feed and tend to His lambs and sheep. He also offers Peter a prophetic message on how he will be led by the belt to go where he does not want to go, to a death glorifying God with his life. 

This passage holds many powerful messages for me. The prophetic message for Peter is certainly applicable for anyone who seeks to follow Christ to the very end. There will be times, and a lot of times, when you don’t want to go down a road to certain death, but you know you must.  Having a clear sense of direction doesn’t mean I don’t grapple with dying to self. There are days the tasks are endless, exhausting and thankless. I really wish to take a break and escape for my body is really protesting at the stress I’ve put it under, yet knowing that’s not quite possible, so I really relate to Peter’s future circumstances.

At the same time  I do really want to tend His lambs, His flock, and I find great pleasure and fulfilment in caring and nurturing others. So what’s the solution? Power breakfast with Jesus. I was reminded that Jesus Himself prepares a hearty and delicious breakfast for me when I decide to go to Him, sit and eat with Him. So why am I not giving us that necessary time, more so when I am feeling stretched to the point of breaking? Silly, really. 

This passage also recounts the third instance after the resurrection the Lord appears to His disciples just when they are disheartened and have lost direction. In this case, like in the road to Emmaus, He gives them time to recognize His resurrected appearance, and to decide whether they wish to accept His invitation to break bread with Him, to eat with Him, and enjoy His company. 

The transformation is marked when we decide to sit at the table with Him like the disciples, for we allow ourselves to be fed, nourished, refreshed and renewed in mind, body and spirit. We are given new heart to carry on. In this passage, the Lord waits patiently for Peter to come to Him, ready to be forgiven for his previous betrayals, and Jesus gives His forgiveness readily, making Peter the shepherd of His flock. There are no reprimands or I told you sos.

I know that Jesus is with me, journeying with me every step of the way, and when I need to be nourished, I have an open invitation to dine with Him, which I can take Him up on daily, through prayer and the Eucharistic celebration. I may not always feel delight and appreciation, given my own preoccupations at any given point in time, but the epiphany for me is that I can always look forward in hope. Even in despair I know I can look to Him, and in that mustard seed moment of faith I know I will be alright because He is there. He has already seen me through much more difficult times in my life, why would He not do so now?

Like Peter, I can give myself permission to experience guilt, sorrow, fear, regret, anger, hurt, bitterness, pettiness and the whole gamut of negative emotions but as long as I accept the invitation to breakfast with Him, I will eventually work my way through the mire of my own failures, betrayals and sins. With faith and hope, I can go through the process of much-needed purification and I can arrive at a place of peace, peace with myself and with the world. I can emerge a peace-maker, saying to Jesus: Yes, Lord, I love you, and I will feed and tend Your flock with great care. 

Through a second lectio divina of the same Scriptural passage yesterday afternoon I was able to appreciate and experience gratitude at the abundance He has blessed me with today. I am humbled that I took so much for granted and even carped at things that did not quite meet my expectations. My critical eyes saw the one-hundredth empty cup. I also saw that I needed to work on trusting Him more rather than using my human reasoning, worrying intellectually over logistics or limitations and becoming a nay-sayer consequently. 

The point is despite there being so many fish, the net didn’t break. So I need to walk more in faith, trusting Him rather than doubting like Thomas, just because I did not put my hand in His side. I need to suspend judgement and belief, and do whatever He tells me to without argument or protest. Quiet obedience with no inner defeatist self-talk. In that way, more will come to believe in Him because they are able to witness the miraculous strength of the net, and I don’t drive myself crazy stressing needlessly.

So today I bring the humble offering of fish I have caught, thanks to His fishing advice, and I accept his invitation to breakfast. Hope to see you there.

By His divine mercy

I find the lived reality of Easter much more difficult than that of Good Friday. It is so much easier to mourn and moan, to regard the pitted, misshapen form of my own cross and feel ashamed, aggrieved and discouraged all at the same time. It feels so much more natural to complain about the burdensome heft across my shoulders than to appreciate its weirdly beautiful grain or enjoy its Christ-induced lightness.    

Pope Francis put it most aptly in his Easter Vigil homily last Saturday when he likened the journey of the women at the tomb to our own personal journey especially when they came up against the large stone blocking the entrance: At times, it seems that everything comes up against a stone: “the beauty of creation against the tragedy of sin; liberation from slavery against infidelity to the covenant...It seems that the steps we take never take us to the goal.  We can be tempted to think that dashed hope is the bleak law of life.

How true there seem to be stones everywhere; big ones, medium ones, and even the little pebble in our shoe become huge obstacles in our lives. It is just so tempting to give up and wallow in doom and gloom. The pope reminds us: God takes away even the hardest stones against which our hopes and expectations crash: death, sin, fear, worldliness. 

All is not lost. We should continue to celebrate the light of Easter and not give in to resignation and failure for “Easter is the feast of tombstones taken away, rocks rolled aside.”  God takes away even the hardest stones against which our hopes and expectations crash: death, sin, fear, worldliness.  

Pope Francis goes on to describe the stones that hinder us, the first being discouragement that leaves us cynical, negative and despondent... Life becomes a succession of complaints and we grow sick in spirit.  A kind of tomb psychology takes over: everything ends there, with no hope of emerging alive. 

The other stone is that of sin, it promises things easy and quick, prosperity and success, but then leaves behind only solitude and death. Sin is looking for life among the dead, for the meaning of life in things that pass away.  

Pope Francis further comments on the women at the tomb who were too frightened to look up when they encountered the angels. Are we also like those women: We prefer to remain huddled within our shortcomings, cowering in our fears...glum and closed up within ourselves, we feel in control, for it is easier to remain alone in the darkness of our heart than to open ourselves to the Lord.  

Why do you seek the living among the dead? It’s a really good question to ask myself for rather than always fixating on the blemishes, I should look for the irrepressible kernel of beauty when I view life. Jesus was crucified, died and is resurrected just so that I can be restored from my sins, reborn in my deaths and revived from my desolation.

Jesus is a specialist at turning our deaths into life, our mourning into dancing (cf. Ps 30:11).  With him, we too can experience a Pasch, that is, a Passover– from self-centredness to communion, from desolation to consolation, from fear to confidence. What grace! I should be escstatic.

If I put my trust in Him, I will know that He loves me unfailingly and that no matter however much of a mess I make of things, His love remain unchanged - He loves me with a love I can feel every day in very real ways. This is the Easter faith I am challenged to embody, this lively love of the Lord. On this love I can rise again with Him.

So this Divine Mercy Sunday which marks the end of the octave of Easter I want to rise with Him and give my life to Him. Jesus I trust in you.

By your divine mercy we met

And sooner rather than later 

We chose the abundance of Cana

By your divine mercy we knew

Just how much we could love 

Not just each other but You

Our Lord and Our God

By your divine mercy we trust

To seek you in all things

Above all things always   

By your divine mercy we see

How much more life can be

Joy never-ending can be ours

Singing his first birthday song

* To read Pope Francis’s entire Easter Vigil homily, go to: https://www.vaticannews.va/en/pope/news/2019-04/pope-francis-easter-vigil-mass-homily-text.html

Chasing Jesus

The joyful mysteries have always been a favourite of mine for I am always inspired by how Mother Mary reacts to the challenges of life especially the bizarre (it isn't every day one has a conversation with an angel who tells you do not be afraid then proceeds to reveal something quite terrifying that will happen to you). Most recently I was struck more by the narrative of Jesus as a child right from the very beginning.

J is almost a year old now and it has been gratifying to be able to witness his growth from newborn to a little boy who is now wobbly walking. From an angel-faced infant who slept most of his life into a toddler who makes his wants and desires known quite decidedly J has grown swiftly, bringing lots of joy and laughter. 

The joyful mysteries remind me of how I was present and witnessed his growth from conception to the day he was born into the world, sorta, kinda. J was already a being, a person, just as Jesus was at the Annunciation in his mother's womb, even though I couldn’t see him. I remember what Father Garcia said about potentiality and that is why we Catholics believe contraception and abortion are morally incorrect.

From conception, a healthy embryo left to grow uninterrupted can become a crying baby who in turn grows up into an adult person who brings unique flavour and depth to the world, enriching it. Regardless of whether one can see or hear the foetus, the foetus is a person who has the same rights and dignity that you or I have. 

Mississippi recently passed a bill disallowing abortion when a heartbeat is detected which protects foetuses as young as six-weeks-old. I say good on Mississippi but I would go even further to protect the life of the unborn child - abortion should be disallowed period. There is life when cells multiply and grow, no heartbeat needed there. Therefore no adult has the power to decide whether life in the womb should continue or not, and yet it happens all too often when the child is unwanted due to whatever reason. 

God is the only one who gives life, from conception, to birth, and eventually death. The Annunciation illustrates how life for Jesus began when Mary said yes and she conceived. We need to recognize that conception is God-given and respect the sacredness of life even in the womb.

Again during the Visitation, both John in his mother's womb and Elizabeth herself acknowledged the presence of Jesus in Mary’s womb with joy. There is great mystery in the Visitation for no one else knows Jesus is in His mother’s womb, and yet, those who are given insight are able to see beyond the externals. Pregnancy is a time of celebration, it brings friends and family together where everyone rejoices and anticipates eagerly the arrival of the child.

Jesus and John were both miracle conceptions for neither conception was biologically possible, making them true gifts from God. No wonder there was such jubilation when Elizabeth, Mary, and their respective offspring in the womb met. I enjoy sharing in the collective joy and respective love of these two pregnant women and how they must have felt on meeting each other and celebrating the other’s state of life. Truly special.

The Nativity calls up a hubbub of activity in the humble manger. First a child enters the world. He is then wrapped in swaddling and probably lies sleeping on His mother’s breast while around Him, everyone is exulting at His arrival. Shepherds visit and angels sing, while His parents exhausted, relieved and happy despite the mean surroundings bask in the preciousness of their newborn son.   

It was the same when J was born. He slept on, oblivious to the world around him while people kept visiting him and his overjoyed parents. We celebrated his long awaited and visible presence in the world with great wonder. It is worth remembering that every birth is deserving of jubilant fanfare, and to allow the Christ child to be born in my heart every day, which means giving joy the space in my often busy and beleaguered life to bubble and overflow, as well as never losing the unique sense of wonder J’s arrival stirred within me.

When Mary and Joseph presented baby Jesus at the temple, it marked the public recognition of what was to come, that is, what was the future of this tiny, insignificant baby who would grow up to be the Messiah. The prophetic words of Simeon and Anna must have brought pride and joy to Jesus’ parents as they did sorrow and pain for the couple were told their child’s life would not end well. 

We all know death is certain and most probably will involve pain and suffering. We also know that as believers of Christ, we will have to make hard choices that may invite more suffering into our lives. How will I choose to live my life if I knew how and when I am going to die? How would I choose to teach and influence J if I knew who he would grow up to be? It would be no different for if I choose to follow Jesus who knew how it would all end eventually, I would still choose to be the best person I can be, always seeking to desire the good of the other no matter who the other happened to be, and I would intentionally cultivate the virtues that will enable me to make the right choices all the time as Jesus did. 

I do not seek to know the future, but I do know I can make the decision every day to live in the love and joy of the Lord, and perhaps encourage others around me to do the same as well. Chasing Jesus and not happiness has given me more richness in life than I could have ever imagined so I still maintain that’s the way to go.

Even as a young boy of twelve, Jesus was wise beyond his years (being fully divine and not just fully human). At the Finding in the Temple we are told he engaged in discourse with teachers, astounding those present with His level of understanding. When his parents found Him after three days, He asks them why they did not know He would be about His Father’s business? Both parties seem baffled by the other. Nevertheless, He follows His parents home and submitted to their authority, growing up into a man increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with both God and men (Luke 2:52).  

I have always found this Scripture a little puzzling myself but what strikes me now are two things: His passion and love for His Heavenly Father and His love for His earthly parents as demonstrated by His obedience to them. In the same vein, out of love of her son, Mother Mary kept what she didn’t understand in her heart. 

Having entered a season of life where I sometimes experience the loss of control and hurt, angry bafflement Mary and Joseph must have felt, I am challenged to be more like Jesus in going about my Father’s business by submitting to the rigours of my earthly life. Even if I do not understand what is happening right now I need to keep all these things in my heart as Mary did and not react with angry outbursts and endless tirades that leave me ashamed, insecure and ugly. I need to put on the mantle of prayer to receive the wisdom and stature Jesus did through obedience. Hopefully in time I will find more favour with both God and people, inspiring those whom I wish most, like J.