Entering the spirit of Holy Week

It has been a middling Lenten season for me. Some bits of my fasting were successful, others not so, although my failures have served to give me a heightened sense of self-awareness which in itself is a good thing. Naturally I will keep on plugging along even after Lent to try and “perfect” my personality by continuing to fast from certain unhealthy habits.

When I met my SD last week he asked me what was it that I wanted for Holy Week and I thought to myself I wanted to be more joyous despite the grim implications of the imminent Passion. Yes it is horrific that Jesus was crucified and died on the cross, but He did it, as my SD said, in love. Out of love for humanity, He gave up His life, willingly. It was not easy, seeing as He already knew exactly what was coming, but He did it with complete freedom of will, asking for His Father’s strength to accomplish the task ahead after having experienced the agony of anticipation in the Garden of Gethsemane. 

How can I not feel gratified and happy that someone can love me so much that He actually died for me? But as if to challenge my desire for joyfulness this week, I have recently been stressed out over something quite ridiculous and as a result of it, have not been able to get sufficient sleep. It’s been quite difficult to function normally when one feels likes the walking dead, and yet, I also know that this is exactly how I can align myself with Jesus, and walk with Him on the road to Calvary. I may not be the cheeriest companion, but I can certainly try to put up a good show and not let my inner discomfort surface.   

Like Jesus, I have been relying on the Father, spending as much time as I can in prayer to fortify myself. I have continued to do what I needed to do, not what I wanted to do, and to throw myself into my daily activities with determined calmness even when I feel like screaming. To exude peace and compassion even when I am a seething jumble of jangling emotions inside. 

I would not deign to compare how I feel is even close to what He must have experienced, but I am glad that i have the opportunity to exercise my will in not allowing my inner turmoil to be seen. Grace can be found even under unfavourable circumstances. I continue to walk with Him in a mixture of sadness, revulsion, fear, deep love, gratitude and joy.

Playing with power

Lately I have been reflecting about power and authority. I know I have power. It says so in 2 Timothy 1:7: the Spirit of God has given me not timidity but “power, love and self-discipline”. The power comes through my baptism, and again with the sacraments I have received. I also have the power of the charismatic or spiritual gifts. 

What do all this mean? I can make a difference in the world. I can change the world, one random act of kindness, one conscious choice of dying to self, one sacrifice of love, one decision to rest and luxuriate in His love, one occasion of saying yes at a time, in a series of unending choices and actions all through the day, every day. 

When I fail, it’s often a case of chittering fears that undermine my confidence, inducing paralysis; the malaise of complacency, sloth and being comfortable with inertia; and the forgetfulness of the Israelites wandering in the desert. My powers lie discarded, dissipating in the space of time, lost forever in the land of missed opportunities.  

I especially like this article* by Father Robert Barron which explains the power of our baptismal office and how we can keep tapping into that power. Firstly, we look at Christ  and what He is all about in order to be more and more like Him: As priest, he sanctifies, that is to say, he reestablishes the lost link between divinity and humanity; as prophet, he speaks and embodies the divine truth; and as king, he leads us on the right path, giving guidance to the human project. You might say that, as priest, he is the life; as prophet, he is the truth; and as king he is the way. 

Yes, I am human with concupiscence built into my genetic make-up, but baptism wipes the slate clean and gives me the chance to make everything right again, to redeem myself as Christ redeemed me for I am now part of the mystical body of Christ and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me as Philippians 4:13 declares. Christ can live in me and I in Him if I so desire it, and I do. 

Thus, to be fully human means I choose to be as holy and fully human as He was and therefore allow myself to be in harmony with what is fully divine within me, creating wholeness and wholesomeness to be an influencer, a “bridge-builder” linking others to Christ and engendering a “inner peace” all around. Father Barron calls it “holy contagion” and recommends we first keep ourselves holy through prayer, the sacraments, and the Mass... cultivation of a real friendship with the living Christ if we are to act out our priestly identity and purpose. 

Aside from my priestly identity, I am to be prophetic as Jesus was, to be a sign of contradiction, bearing uncomfortable but life-giving witness as Jesus did. John 8:31-32 tells us: If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free. 

This freedom that comes from aligning myself to Him and His Word allows me to speak powerful truths of “salutary madness” as a prophet does. The more I study and chew on the meat of  philosophy, theology, spirituality, church history, and the lives of the saints, the more able I am to exercise my prophetic power for as Father Barron points out: Having been illumined, these prophets are then sent out into their worlds as beacons of light”. If I want to be a life-saving light, I need to keep upgrading myself and my OS.

In the theological sense, a king is someone who orders the charisms within a community so as to direct that community toward God. To exercise my sovereignty, I need to lead those in my spheres of influence on the right path, unafraid to wear my religious views on my sleeve, speaking and acting from my Jesus-infused heart if I wish to be an outstanding monarch. 

Here is where I need to have the clear, unswerving, joyous and bold direction the saints had in shepherding others who may not believe in God to Him. I am often stuck, what’s the right thing to say and do, how do I preach without being preachy? Only the Spirit can help me. Praying and living in the Spirit, asking for and taking good care of the charismatic gifts I receive by using them judiciously is the way forward.

Power per se does not interest me. I have always sought anonymity. I prefer working behind the scenes, taking the hidden path. While I do desire to change the lives of many for Christ, I know I will not do it facing a crowd of thousands. And yet my love of God has given me this deep desire to spread His word so I must go where He leads, undeterred even by my own weaknesses for as that old chestnut from Saint Paul exhorts “power is made perfect in weakness”. No excuse for doing nothing. 

My SD said something to me this morning that reminded me of the power and authority God has blessed me with. He said to always give thanks to God by being confident of my giftedness. I am a gifted woman who was chosen by Him to be the one He loves. So banish doubt and live in the freedom of my identity as child who is also priest, prophet and king with an abundance of spiritual gifts to aid me along the way. Power up with me! 

* To read the excellent article by Father Robert Barron, go to: https://www.wordonfire.org/resources/article/priests-prophets-kings/

April snow

The grief never ends because I miss you

I miss you something fierce, a monster longing

Shredding my heart with wicked claws   

You’re not supposed to leave so soon

How could you? You’re younger!

I’m not sure if I can ever forgive you your sudden departure 

We had texted each other just the night before 

You were the first to know about him, our first date

“Sometimes it snows in April

Sometimes I feel so bad”* it’s sad

For you’re not here to commiserate with me

Halve my sorrows, double my joys

Lighten my mood with your chipmunk laugh

So look out for me now you’re with Him

Send me a star as I send you a kiss

Until we meet again I will miss you till then. 

* Lyrics from the chorus of Sometimes it Snows in April by Prince whose music J and I both like immensely.

3️⃣ years

It’s been 3️⃣ years since we first met

over ☕️ which wasn’t coffee🍹

Just in case the date went south ⬇️

and I could make a quick, graceful exit 😜

Instead we lingered over life stories

Intrigued by the promise of rock 🍯 

I was deliciously and utterly confused 🤩

But Mother knows best, as she did in Cana 💒

Entreating His Divine Mercy to make it Spring 🌺🌱🌷

Breathing a new life of autumn abundance 🥰

The 💃🏻 continues, the feast doesn’t end

For Jesus provides the best wine for last 🌈

To last our lifetimes, our 💞 drunk in His 💗

His 😘😘 are more delightful than🍷*

Take us away with You always, let us hurry. 🈵

*Extracted from Song of songs 1:2-4

Mary’s Immaculate Heart

Inspired by the hour spent in adoration during the first Saturday of this month’s Consecration to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. 

Joyful, joyful are the mysteries:

Annunciation, Visitation

Nativity to the Presentation

Finding child Jesus in the Temple.

These mysteries hold the seeds of

faith

She watered in tears amidst her smiles

A woman who loved the Father so much

She remained without sin from birth

Que soy era Immaculada Counception

words she embodied, brimming with grace,

Mother grant me a biddable spirit like yours

So in love with God saying yes with

no hesitation despite much trepidation

Give me, too, the eyes to see your Son

Praising in jubilation the unseen

Holding kith and kin in selfless hands

I don’t ever want to lose the awe

when new life stirs in silent night

And I in reverence with angels sing

Piercing the heart with sweet song

For salvation was revealed at a high cost 

I must persevere, beyond death into life.

When I am lost let me find your Son

Aligned with your pondering heart

I can worship disregarding suffering. 

I know I may never grasp the finer points 

And I will never ever completely understand

As long as I believe with strength and courage

Wisdom will guide me as it did our Mother.

Of suffering and fruitfulness

Last week’s readings from Genesis were about how God blessed Noah and his descendants, making a covenant of provenance and protection with them

by setting the bow in the clouds as a sign. God said to them be fertile and multiply. Hence to do the will of God is to bear fruit, bring new life, and the reason why so few people engage in this, continued Father Anthony, is because people now do their best to avoid suffering due to selfishness.

Suffering may mean experiencing pain or discomfort, either physical or psychological. It can be protracted and dull, or sudden and crippling. There is usually privation and hardship involved, but in a broader sense, suffering can mean any circumstance that involves an inconvenience to our lives. It could simply be the need for discipline and hard work to perfect a skill (Father Anthony reminded us that if we wish to do well for an exam, we need to study hard). 

Suffering calls for us to persevere in the face of persecution and adversity, to overcome discouragement and despair, and continue to submit to it with self-deprecating levity. Sometimes, if we need to suffer an inordinate length of time in a chosen task or role, for we cannot dictate when or where our actions will result in something good, we must continue to wait and choose to behave with integrity without succumbing to questionable short cuts or practices. It would be unfortunate to fall into sin just because we wish to slough off the tiresome burden that suffering usually is. 

Regardless of how we treated and whatever life situations come our way, God’s grace is there for us to avail of so we can remain true and constant disciples of Jesus. When I feel as if I cannot deal with an ongoing issue anymore, or when I do not feel as loving and generous as I desire to be, I rely on His grace completely. It’s the only way I can fight my way off the slippery slope of hurt and unforgiving anger.

Thus faith is an important accompaniment to suffering both big and small. If I have an active faith, I can remain full of hope, even joyful amidst suffering. I can draw on the Lord’s strength to walk the stony narrow path, remaining a cheerful giver rather than becoming a sanctimonious, ill-humoured individual. I am able to deny self-seeking ways in order to be life-giving and loving. I can experience poverty of spirit, drawing closer to Jesus each step of the way.

Naturally we all seek to avoid suffering. However, if we keep running away and aspire only to take the more pleasant and wide path that more people tend to travel on, we will never develop substance and strength of character. We risk remaining shallow, immature and superficial individuals. We settle for a half life much like the rich, young man who could not let go of his attachments despite His love of God. 

As I choose to be a follower of Christ, I choose to follow in His footsteps. I can see the big picture clearly to eternal life, and I also have the ability to discern which paths to take, what choices I should make daily to get there. If I choose to love Jesus who is love personified, then I choose to love everyone without exception, to look at them with God’s eyes of love. 

I must especially choose to love those who hate me and persecute me. I cannot let their hateful actions diminish me or alter my loving actions. Whatever hurt I feel I can turn into something more worthwhile, allowing the Spirit to remodel my flawed personality, transforming my weaknesses into strengths. I can always do better. I must do better and I can, through Christ.

And so I pray, I pray constantly for the ability to withstand all forms of suffering such that over time I can see them as they truly are, blessings, blessings of fruitfulness in my life. I remember God’s covenant and in allowing His love to fill my heart to the brim, I can go forth and multiply His love, bearing good fruit. 

Lessons from those we lose

At the wake two days ago, C shared something about her grandfather, my uncle, that struck me as a truism, that when someone dies you actually find yourself loving them more and that the love will continue through the years. 

It is a perverse truth that we only realize what someone means to us when we lose that person. The depth of love we feel is intensified partly because we mourn the loss of future opportunities to engage with our loved one and to walk with them in our journey of life. There is also the regret of no longer having any chance to tell them we love them or that we are sorry, to make amends where needed. 

Relationships are never perfect, so mingled with the grief is usually the pain of failure on our part to forge a better understanding, a deeper intimacy. We could have tried harder and better to communicate our love, to heal past conflicts, but we didn’t. And now it is no longer possible. Or is it? One phrase from the funeral mass liturgy stuck in my mind earlier today, turning regret into hope. We can all hope to honour the relationship by trying harder with those who are still around us. We can make amends by becoming better people, clothing our personalities and characters with the qualities we so admired in our dearly departed. We can channel the good of the one we lost in our everyday lives, thus enriching and perpetuating the legacy of that person. Thus we can glorify God out of love of Him, and live out the communion of saints here on earth.

So I am once again reminded to demonstrate to my family and those I love how much they mean to me in words and actions: to forgive and forget both imagined and real slights, any tendency to self-absorption, apathy, and to rise above my own prejudices and perceptions to act in love, to the best of my ability. Where brokenness persists, I should let go and allow God to enter the spaces. I cannot fix everything, only He can, so I bow to His superior abilities with gritted teeth, doing my part in humble prayer. I am encouraged to keep purity of heart, poverty of spirit, and be joyful even in times of adversity and chaos.

What was beautiful to witness at the wake was how well regarded and loved my uncle was. As his grandchildren discovered, yeh yeh was a learned and accomplished man who held multiple positions in life and contributed much to the education of Singaporeans. They only knew him as the kind and generous grandfather who tried to teach them Mandarin and calligraphy, who played Cantonese songs or classical music as he ferried them from point to point. He also sought to impart what he thought was important in life, chiefly virtue, faith and perseverance through hard work.

I remember Uncle B as a gentle, humble and jovial man who observed life with a keen eye, never had a bad word for anybody, had a dry sense of humour and loved my aunt with quiet extravagance.

He especially touched my heart during the deaths of my grandmother and my father when he very uncharacteristically came up to me and told me that God would bless me for all I had done. His affirmation both times meant a great deal to me for I knew his sentiment was heartfelt.

I will miss him for his kindliness and bonhomie. Thank you Uncle B for serving God your entire life without fuss or fanfare, for your integrity which is so inspiring and for your unfailing good humour. I remember fondly the times we travelled to Japan and Malacca together with Mummy and Auntie S. Rest well in the Lord’s arms, a just reward for being His good and faithful servant.

Happy birthday

Beautiful boy
That is how I will always remember you
The six-year-old with big, bright eyes  
Who followed me around adoringly
We had a connection, a deep bond, God-given.
You made me laugh, wiped away my tears 
Dispenser of good advice
Never short of a pithy remark
Kind of heart, generous and incredibly creative
A truly gentle and gorgeous soul
Unfailingly loyal
While I weep for your absence
A hole in my life, irreplaceable and sorrow-filled 
I give thanks you happened in my life
You have made a difference in my world 
Gone but never forgotten
Love you forever, my beautiful boy.

Cana good

The Wedding at Cana is a Scriptural passage I love for it was what guided me during my courtship days when I was feeling nervy about marriage. Eventually P and I chose it for our wedding mass gospel reading for we both felt it represented our relationship - miraculous, joyous, abundant, best wine for last and all that. Incidentally, our wedding bands were blessed in the church in Cana as well, thanks to Father Francis. 

Before we got married, P and I were supposed to go to the Holy Land. However, we had to cancel the trip and what we did when we were on leave instead was to do a backyard pilgrimage of Marian churches as well as designated churches with Holy Doors of Mercy in Singapore, 2016 being the Jubilee Year of Mercy. It was such a blessed time.

As I entered Holy Cross*, the first church we visited, the stained glass window on the left caught my eye, it was the wedding at Cana, and we also arrived just as a wedding party was leaving. At SVDP, the pews were decorated with cream-coloured roses and ribbons, indicating a wedding was imminent. Every church we visited, we discovered a message of God’s promise, of joy. We didn’t have to travel abroad to hear Jesus and Mother Mary speak in our lives.

Cana speaks of many things: of love, love between mother and son, between the young couple, and the community who had come together to share in the couple’s nuptial bliss. Cana celebrates new beginnings, both of vocation and ministry. The passage tells us that things may not always go to plan, disaster may seem impending, but love is always on time and will save the day. Cana highlights how scarcity can become abundance when we cooperate with the Holy Spirit. Cana recounts all the hard work that goes on behind the scenes to make an event successful.

During this period, Cana reminds me life is to be celebrated even when I am struggling for miracles can only happen if I listen to our Mother’s advice, to do whatever He tells me even when I am tired, disgruntled, less than enthused, and about to give up. Keep going, never stopping to consider the needs of others, never desisting from doing what I know is right, and to always offer to Jesus the best of my efforts, together with my joy and gratitude at all I have received every day. 

Life is a wedding feast filled with colour, excitement, beauty and great joy. Drink it all in, live it sensuously, live it fully. Take the good with the bad for even the bad can transform into something very good.

* The churches we visited were Holy Cross, Risen Christ, Saint Vincent de Paul, Divine Mercy and Sacred Heart.

Exercising the gift

Excuse me, are you a healer, she asked expectantly, can you tell me what’s wrong with me, she stood with her hands held out in front of her as she looked at me? My immediate response was to laugh and think to myself, yes I am a healer, but not the sort you are thinking of.

A few days earlier I had gathered D had a bad back just by observing her movements and had recommended to her what she could do to try and ease the pain. That was all, nothing mystical about it.

As Christians, we are all called to be healers in some way or another, whether it be through speaking words of insightful affirmation, or by simple, helpful acts that channel love. I think that was what Jesus did, besides performing miracles. He observed and noticed the words and behaviour of those around Him, and responded in ways that met the unspoken and desperate needs of the hearts around Him. 

Think the woman at the well, the haemorrhagic woman, Zacchaeus, the grateful leper, the disciples who followed Him... all the people he encountered and spoke with, he touched them with His words and actions, and transformed their lives.  

At the core of His actions is a sensitivity to others and the ability to gently provoke a response that takes the other beyond himself or herself and create a positive change. I have always admired how Jesus could do that so masterfully. For it also required Him to be bold, to dare to engage with others without fearing rejection or failure, to move in the Spirit with great humility and vulnerability, letting the Spirit of God guide Him.

Jesus was a do-gooder. If I call myself a disciple of Christ, then I must emulate His availability and sensitivity to others and behave in ways that bring healing through my communication with others. A great part of encouraging healing through words is to listen without passing judgement, accepting the differences despite not fully understanding and without feeling personally threatened, and to be genuinely interested and invested in the well-being of the other, to really want the better of the other. This is so, not just with people we have transient encounters with, but more so with those whom we call family and those with whom we sustain long-term relationships.  

Thus I have always prayed for the gift of healing. But do I engage and do good all the time, using this gift in particular? Much as I try, I don’t. My pride and insecurities get in the way at times. Plus it is tiring work to get involved with others’ lives and requires great emotional energy. A lot of times, it is much easier to retreat into my inner world and watch the world go by, uninvolved, and cushioned from getting my feelings hurt. Do-gooders can get injured, even killed. 

And yet we are social animals who need to interact with each other to fully experience joy and self-fulfilment, and grow in maturity. One of our fundamental needs as humans is to be known and the only way I can know someone and be known is to engage with him or her fully, using all my senses and being, giving my time and space. I need to love others and be loved, so I can only jump in, prepared to get muddied and bruised, remembering that nothing can truly defeat me with Jesus by my side.

Praying like Jesus did is necessary: taking the time to go off to a quiet place to pray for longish periods, and allowing my own tending to by God to happen so that I am centred and secure in my own being, and therefore able to minister to others effectively. To be healed and then to heal. To do good to others as it has been done to me.

The past Sunday’s readings tell me to move ahead with confidence: Isaiah first reminding me of my status and true identity, not forsaken or desolate but a delight and espoused; Saint Paul of my many spiritual gifts including healing; and finally Saint John who recounts the Cana miracle of scarcity to abundance. 

The message preached is clear. Identify the scarcity, turn to Jesus immediately and trust Him to turn things around by cooperating with Him fully. Filling the six 20-30 gallon stone jars with water is back-breaking work but many hands make light work and if I want to see the miracle of water into wine, I need to do my part: work in unity with others day after day, using my gifts. Bring healing to the world. 

New year intentions

The party’s over, the new year is here to stay

How shall I make the next 364 days count?

What can I do to keep my faith alive and real?

Can I make someone smile with delight

Laugh away the blues, lighten a mood 

Bring comfort to the sick of heart 

Soothe an ailing body, a fevered imagination  

Chase away fears by injecting sound reason

Into doubts and all matters dark

Bring freedom with a song of gratitude

Inspire harmonious peace at the same time too

Can I invite you to walk the narrow path with me?

Do the right thing always because it feels really good

Can I be the bubbly God-eyed optimist?

As the overflowing cup pronounces:

The joy of the Lord is my strength 

Cascading like rain from heaven

Watering the earth so thirsty for love

Enrobing florescent hills with fruitfulness 

I can do joy, I can do that joy

I can breathe new life into my days

Through Him, with Him and in Him
Through love, with love and in love

This is how I want to spend my days

What about you?

Whatever He tells me

There’s no better way to start the new year off than to be with family. The death of my mother’s youngest sister last March triggered off this reunion which saw her sister and her family from Vancouver, and her brother and his family from Melbourne all converge in Singapore. I got to meet for the very first time one of my cousins, along with everybody else, and, of course, it was good fun to spend time with the children of my cousins, three of whom were my flower girls two years ago. 

Mummy and her siblings are all in their 80s so meeting up like this is significant. Of course we ended up eating too much over the several meals we had together, but celebrations of any sort usually involve food.

We celebrate today the Solemnity of Mary the Mother of God and it was a special thanksgiving mass P and I attended this morning at the Church of Saint Teresa for Father Michael Arro, the former parish priest, who is retiring and moving away from the parish after 17 1/2 years of serving in this parish (the last four years as priest in residence). He is one of the key reasons I began serving in that parish, first as a lector and heading the ministry for several terms, then for two terms in the Parish Pastoral Council as an office holder. How does one say no to one’s Spiritual Director who unfailingly remembers to schedule regular monthly meetings in order to help direct one’s spiritual journey? 

Through Father Arro I have experienced the mercy and love of God, and been inspired to seek Jesus more and more in my life these past years. Plus his Gallic sensibilities have taught me to appreciate and nurture my feminine genius more fully. 

Father Arro spoke of Cana, and to follow what Our Mother instructed the servers: Do whatever He tells you. We should all remember we can recreate the abundance of Cana when we do whatever He tells us. With recourse to His Mother, we can be sure she will intercede on our behalf, sometimes without our saying a word but relying solely on the refined sense of a woman who knows what is needed and will present the need to a Son who cannot refuse His beloved mother’s compassionate request.

I thank Father God today for the yes of Father Arro and all his MEP confreres who came before him and brought the faith to Asia. Without their wholehearted response to do whatever He told them to do, I would not be acquainted with Jesus as I am, and would therefore be living a life devoid of spiritual richness.

I  also give thanks for such a wonderful way to start off the new year by being with family, experiencing the pleasure that must have been found in Cana of celebrating life, laughing and eating with people I love, and renewing relationships. 

May my yes be as faith-filled and steadfast as Mary’s was in 2019 for great things He has done for me these last days and years.