Entering the spirit of Holy Week

It has been a middling Lenten season for me. Some bits of my fasting were successful, others not so, although my failures have served to give me a heightened sense of self-awareness which in itself is a good thing. Naturally I will keep on plugging along even after Lent to try and “perfect” my personality by continuing to fast from certain unhealthy habits.

When I met my SD last week he asked me what was it that I wanted for Holy Week and I thought to myself I wanted to be more joyous despite the grim implications of the imminent Passion. Yes it is horrific that Jesus was crucified and died on the cross, but He did it, as my SD said, in love. Out of love for humanity, He gave up His life, willingly. It was not easy, seeing as He already knew exactly what was coming, but He did it with complete freedom of will, asking for His Father’s strength to accomplish the task ahead after having experienced the agony of anticipation in the Garden of Gethsemane. 

How can I not feel gratified and happy that someone can love me so much that He actually died for me? But as if to challenge my desire for joyfulness this week, I have recently been stressed out over something quite ridiculous and as a result of it, have not been able to get sufficient sleep. It’s been quite difficult to function normally when one feels likes the walking dead, and yet, I also know that this is exactly how I can align myself with Jesus, and walk with Him on the road to Calvary. I may not be the cheeriest companion, but I can certainly try to put up a good show and not let my inner discomfort surface.   

Like Jesus, I have been relying on the Father, spending as much time as I can in prayer to fortify myself. I have continued to do what I needed to do, not what I wanted to do, and to throw myself into my daily activities with determined calmness even when I feel like screaming. To exude peace and compassion even when I am a seething jumble of jangling emotions inside. 

I would not deign to compare how I feel is even close to what He must have experienced, but I am glad that i have the opportunity to exercise my will in not allowing my inner turmoil to be seen. Grace can be found even under unfavourable circumstances. I continue to walk with Him in a mixture of sadness, revulsion, fear, deep love, gratitude and joy.