Living in the communion of saints

C said this to me:  Someone once told me that if you seem to be doing something well in life, it means that there are lots of people praying for you...As I grow older, I begin to see more and more the wisdom of this saying.

I couldn't agree more with what he said for I know I have many brothers and sisters blessing me by way of intercessory prayer. The last seven months are proof, for I have, more or less, taken to marriage like a duck to water. Even I am surprised by how easily I have managed to take things in my stride. Not saying that it has all been smooth sailing, or that there haven't been moments of great frustration, deep hurt, and even despair, but all these difficulties seem to have been swept up in the strength of prayer to dissipate momentarily like fine mist in the warm rays of the morning sun.

In these last months, I have been given the wisdom to know what to do: when to hold, when to fold, and when to walk away (thanks, Kenny Rogers). I know the wisdom is not mine but the prompting of the Holy Spirit for the shift from completely clueless to instinctively knowing what to do is indescribable. The knowing is not a dead sure certainty, but instead works through an openness to being led by the Spirit; to be able to go with the flow of the situation, and to respond with flexible and humble sensitivity even when one is feeling quite unforgiving and hard. To be able to speak with gentle diplomacy rather than stubborn pride is remarkable, and I can only thank those who pray for me and desire that both P and I grow in the way of love and understanding in our marriage.

Apart from being a beneficiary of the intercessory prayer of others, it is a healthy spiritual practice to do likewise for those around us. Not only are we reciprocating or paying it forward when we pray for others, a good thing in itself, but we also gain a more grounded perspective and become more outward-looking as people, connecting unselfishly with others. No longer do our own problems consume all our attention. And when we go beyond prayer in helping others, we inevitably help ourselves grow in maturity.

Yesterday P and I attended the 10th anniversary memorial mass of Father Louis Fossion* at Church of the Holy Spirit and I was bowled over by how palpable the love in the room was, the love that the congregation had for this priest. P and I agreed that this man must be a saint for he touched the lives of many and changed the course of history in his own way. Of the eight priests in attendance, more than half became priests due, in no small part, to his influence, his authentic spirituality and lived love for Christ.

At the memorial mass, I realized fully that the communion of saints** is lived not just after we die and attain sainthood (some faster than others), but even as we live and breathe. (Guess it's hard for me to see myself and those around me as saints, most times.) As Father Paul Staes said, we did not come to pray for Father Fossion, but to pray with him. We, and those who are no longer with us, we collectively make up the communion of saints. We are all connected to each other in life and beyond death, and this connection becomes fully activated and alive in prayer. Last night, the communion of saints of both the living and the dead were joined as one, gloriously giving praise to God.

Thus, I not only have the intercessory power of saints official and unofficial to tap on, but the intercessory prayer of my brothers and sisters in Christ as well. They are my communion of saints just as beloved saints like Saint Therese of Lisieux are, and holy men such as Father Fossion who gave his life in service so that many could come to the faith not just in Singapore, but in Mongolia and the Philippines. I can even ask for intercessory assistance from departed loved ones who may still be in purgatory.

As I continue to intercede daily not just for those whom I love, but also those in need of prayer, I would like to thank all who intercede for me for I am grateful that I am doing well in life. Thank you for being my communion of saints.

* To find out more about the amazing and beloved Father Fossion, go to:
http://catholicnews.sg/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=2315:singapores-oldest-priest-dies-at-age-92&catid=98&Itemid=473&lang=en

** The Catechism of the Catholic Church states simply that the communion of saints is the Church. New Advent has this definition to offer : The communion of saints is the spiritual solidarity which binds together the faithful on earth, the souls in purgatory, and the saints in heaven in the organic unity of the same mystical body under Christ its head, and in a constant interchange of supernatural offices. The participants in that solidarity are called saints by reason of their destination and of their partaking of the fruits of the Redemption (1 Corinthians 1:2 — Greek Text). 

Learning to be a serpent-like dove

Yet another birthday has come and gone. This one is different for I celebrated it as a married woman. Initially I did not think anything of it until E highlighted it. It is special for my family has transformed quite significantly. It has grown, just like that. Apart from P, I have two lovely children in their 20s without having gone through pregnancy and childbirth (the best part), and I finally have sisters, together with another brother, who with their spouses and children do add up. I also have a mother-in-law who gives me the sweetest smiles.

While it can get overwhelming at times living in a houseful of people with an über affectionate goldie - as I commented to our Bible-sharing group I went from just having to please my mother to many constituents to serve - I wouldn't change it for the world. God has called me to live out my vocation of marriage and motherhood within this specific milieu and this is where I choose to be.

Reflecting on what has passed in the last year and what will be, the stories of Abraham and his progeny resonate robustly with me. The depth and breadth of faith displayed by Abraham, especially when faced with perceived great personal tragedy of the loss of Isaac at his own hands is inspiring. This can only come from a place of utter humility and obedience based on a level of deep trust.

As Henri Nouwen wrote in a letter to a friend in crisis found in the book Love Henri: You are asked to cling to your Lord no matter what. You are asked to keep praying even when it might seem absurd. You are asked to enter the darkness of not understanding with an ever growing surrender.

Just as I got proficient with my yes in my single life and was seeking a deepening of my relationship with Jesus, He saw fit to put me on a new path where I am a novice again, bumbling around cluelessly. It is not just a singular giant leap of faith I have taken with marriage, but multiple leaps into completely different dimensions with almost every step.

This time, last year, I was journeying towards marriage and looking back, I had many questions, some reservations and even deep fear even though I knew in my gut that P was the right man, and marriage was right for me, for us. Well meaning voices added to my confusion. Then there was the pain of leaving behind my single life which I loved and would miss greatly. I counted the costs, wept over the losses, but like Abraham, left everything behind - the old comfortable way of life to venture into the unknown based on a promise of greater things, a covenant of unimaginable proportions.

With the benefit of hindsight, I can laugh at how I struggled so unnecessarily. And yet, the struggles were vital. Without the struggles, I would not have grown so rigorously. I would not have sought for the healing insights, nor received the transformative wisdom I have since acquired. I would have remained a smaller, weaker person. Less refined and matured, spiritually and emotionally.

Despite seven good months of marriage, I currently feel off my game and more than a little frayed around the edges given my menopausal brain cloud and the physical woes of my fifty something body, but I have no doubt I will find my stride eventually.

Right now, it is time for me to lay low, lay fallow. It's not unlike going back to school to learn many things, chiefly, how I can find my place within my new family, bringing my own distinctive brand of love and care even as I continue to serve the Lord with docility and lightheartedness.

Yesterday's Gospel from Matthew 10:16 is something I will adopt as a theme in the new year: To be cunning as serpents and yet as harmless as doves.

To fulfil my commission well, I not only need to be wise and gentle, but patient and persevering. Where I have failed in the past, I can redeem those mistakes by not repeating them in my new family. I must re-invent myself into a better version of me, a more true version of who I am. The only way I can accomplish the desired integrity and nobility of spirit is if I surrender unquestionably to Jesus.

As I meditated on the sorrowful mystery of carrying the cross yesterday, I was struck by the reflection that stated should I choose to take up my cross, then Jesus and Mary would help me bear it. There is no need to resist so much, to be so beset with worry or fear. Let things unfold as they will, meet each step on the journey with Christ's courage and Mary's grace, even when the hour seems unendingly bleak. All will be well.

I praise God for an amazing year of growing in these last 12 months, and I am grateful His Spirit has been within me all this while, guiding me. I am also thankful for the gift of Mother Mary, who, as the peaceful dove, is the one who will teach me best to be a wife and mother par excellence.

The Lord provides

We were talking about crosses and yokes, and, somehow, the immediate picture conjured up is one of being additionally and heavily burdened, not something one undertakes with enthusiasm. Worse, the cross literally implies crucifixion, death on a cross.

Do I opt for crucifixion if I can avoid it? Not likely. And yet, as the words of the hymn Old Rugged Cross goes, the Cross has a wondrous attraction for me. To add to that, God promises that if we submit to His yoke, we submit to a kind of freedom - to be free of heavy burdens and unbearable yokes. It does not imply that life is without suffering or hardship, but it promises that we need not walk alone, and that Jesus is bigger than our problems, with Him we will always find a way out.

G recently commented that I was travelling much more recently and I laughingly responded that my dry season was over. She replied beautifully that the dry spell was a time of purification, an internalization of God's love, while now is the full expression of God's love, a time for fruition. I couldn't agree more and yet, I have enjoyed my dry season in an altogether different way.

In the intervening years since my Damascus experience, I have felt like the tree in Psalm 1, so rooted in God that I didn't feel the effects of my self-imposed drought. I was putting forth tender, green shoots of faith every day; the branches of my being were dressed in lush foliage, buds of virtue were forming to eventually bloom in profusion. Bumper crops of goodness were enjoyed by self, friends and family alike.

The dry spell was necessary to shape and mature my sensibilities, to bring out the true flavours of the woman I am. I have been tried and tested, and have grown from strength to strength. There is so much joy and satisfaction in the process of self-actualization, and this is one of the greatest benefits of taking up the cross of Christ. Plus, it is only in the desert that one can truly comprehend and appreciate God's providence.

I came to Him weary and heart-sick. When I put myself under His yoke, submitting completely to His will, I was able to receive His divine graces fully. It is the same today, when I am fearful, anxious, when I doubt myself in difficult situations, Jesus is my go-to guy. I lay everything that is out of my control at His feet, and I sit and wait, to figure out what it is I must do.

Sometimes what I am asked to do seems to be a contravention of the covenant established between God and myself. But if I keep saying to the Lord in complete obedience, here I am, just as Abraham did, I will experience extraordinary blessings. My ineffable, almighty and awesome Father always comes through.

Yahweh-yireh, the Lord provides, this is the name given by Abraham to the place on Mount Moriah where he was supposed to sacrifice Isaac, his precious son and greatest hope, as an offering to God, but was instead given a ram with its horns stuck in a thicket to sacrifice just as he was about to sacrifice his son- a reward for his faithfulness.

The Lord always provides, whether we are aware of it; whether we even ask for it. When we walk in His ways, He provides in even greater measure, not just materially, but in myriad, countless ways. It's a question of whether we ourselves can grasp the infinite generosity of the Father's beneficence.

So why wouldn't I want to take up my cross and follow Jesus? Why wouldn't I want an easier yoke or a lighter burden? It always comes down to my own generosity of spirit.

Do I want to give myself totally in service to Him by loving others without reservation or prejudice?

Have I not been shown again and again that I can never outdo Him in generosity, that the more I give, the more I receive?

Is my faith so puny that I refuse to let His power be made perfect in my weakness?

Am I so afraid of failing, of ridicule, that I waste an opportunity to help others experience the joy of being loved unconditionally by the Lord, a joy I myself have known over and over again?

Yahweh-yireh. The Lord provides. I testify to this every day and I have no doubt He will continue to do so in my future. My personal prayer is I keep praising and thanking Him as I hold my cross up with enduring pride. At the same time may I hold lightly in my hands all the gifts He bestows on me, sharing them joyously with others.

The little things

Your concern

Your care
The way you look at me
when you think I am not looking
Your gentleness
Your patience
The quickness with which you
forgive my foolishness
Your kindness
Your generosity
Towards me, but mostly towards others
disregarding your own needs
Your protectiveness
Your fidelity
I am wonderfully made
by your steadfast affections
Your smile
Your earnestness
The cheeky, fun-loving boy
who woos me with kampung charm
Your fortitude
Your passion
For His way in all things always
making you my perfect spouse
Your humility
Your faith
These are what matter most daily
on our journey to eternal happiness

Visiting the Graha Maria Annai Velangkanni

While in Medan, P and I visited the Graha Maria Annai Velangkanni, a Marian shrine set in the suburbs. I had read about it while prepping for our trip there and we were eager to go pay a visit. Upon arrival, we went inside and sat down to pray.

As I was finishing my rosary, I heard a voice in the background enumerating to an audience the significance of the various architectural details within the church's interior. Turning around I saw a priest talking to a couple and their daughter. I asked the priest if P and I could join with his little group, and he was most happy to oblige us.

It was only later that I found out the priest was none other than Father James Bharataputra, a Jesuit father who was instrumental in the building of this 'catechetical' church, as he calls it, in Medan.

Built in 2005 to serve the Tamil Catholic community in Medan, the idea of dedicating the church to Our Lady of Good Health from the town of Velankanni in Tamil Nadu was deemed not only appropriate, but strongly supported by the previous Archbishop who had visited the Shrine* there. Hearing the stories of how donations just poured in, and how this unusual church of eclectic architectural styles was constructed in just four years, in the hands of amateurs no less, was amazing.

Then there were the miracles**: the two Bibles, one hymnal and 10 million rupiahs worth of donations left untouched by a fire that razed Father James's room; the prompt arrival of the statue of Annai Velangkani that coincided with the laying of the foundation stone in 2002 despite the many obstacles; and the natural spring water that disgorges from a spot near the foot of a statue of Mother Mary in the Marian Chapel.

At the end of the tour, Father James gave us a blessing. It was a fitting way to end our short but lovely holiday, with a mini pilgrimage to yet another Marian shrine. I truly felt that everything that happened last Sunday morning was indeed by Divine appointment, and that Our Lady of Velangkanni herself blessed us and honoured our intercessory prayers for healing.

I thank God for the faith and passion of priests like Father James who are the shepherds who give up their lives for their flocks, believing as they do in the compassionate and loving heart of Jesus, our very own Good Shepherd.

*  Wikipedia says The Shrine of Our Lady of Vailankanni, also known as the "Lourdes of the East," is one of the most-frequented religious sites in India, drawing over two million visitors worldwide.

**  To read more about the miracles, see https://velangkanni.com/en/the-miracles/

Living and loving in the moment

What does it mean to be in love with God? According to Father Patrick Crowley love is not defined as twee sentimentality, nor is love of God the practice of a spirituality that does not connect with others with sensitivity and through easy availability. Addressing the various liturgical ministries of Blessed Sacrament Church last Saturday morning, Father Pat stressed the value of developing an interior life, centred on knowing the Father and His will, and allowing Him to direct all our thoughts, words and actions.

"Divine appointment," he called it, "a sense of something greater than yourself, ministering to you; something happening deep down within you." God our Creator knows every one of us intimately, but unless we choose to meet Him regularly in our daily lives, we will not know Him in return. Our faith will always flounder in the shallows, never growing in depth or richness.

Father Pat invited us to be sensible to life, in tune with life's rhythms, and to live mindfully, rather than get caught up with the act of doing, and our own way of doing things. We need to recognize and appreciate the moments in a day in order to live them well.

And when we cannot understand why things are the way they are, especially in times of crises, we should just let go, and let God. "God will always bring out something beyond your comprehension, so you need to pay attention," he reminded. It does not matter if we are in pain or broken-hearted, for God has always worked through broken individuals. Rather than give in to hopelessness, we should turn to Him, then get up, and move on. It is in the precise moment of turning to Him that we will experience the mercy of God. Perhaps not right away, but we will eventually experience an awakening, a new lease on life when we move in His Spirit.

There are three questions we should reflect on constantly:

1. How do people feel when they are with me, are they Intimidated or comfortable? If we are insecure and not comfortable in our own skins, we will tend to put people down. We cannot be life-giving individuals.

2. Am I fully aware of the presence of God in my life at this moment? Can we recognise the kairos* moments in our life, and submit ourselves wholeheartedly into the mystery of these God-gifted moments? This only comes from being more contemplative.

3. What does my daily behaviour say about the person I really am; are my actions a reflection of my intent? Is there integrity in our thoughts, words and actions? We are no saints, we will fall, but we must be honest with ourselves. Contrition and humility of heart is key.

Father Patrick called those of us in ministry to cultivate certain dispositions to aid us as we work in our Father's vineyard. There is a need:

For a universal mentality - The ability to stretch and give of self, more so when we feel challenged. Although we are shaped by our own culture, we should recognise that diversity enhances life and not be afraid of other cultures and peoples. Let's be more open and accepting.

For holiness - The call to holiness is for everyone. It is therefore important we have divine time every day, be it going for daily mass, and including any and all forms of prayer.  How else are we going to hear God speaking if we do not set aside time for Him?

To be just in the parish (and the world) - Are we fully aware of the needs of others around us and do we reach out to meet those needs? Not only that, do we exercise respect when we dispense help or "give alms", do we befriend the poor and get to know them by name? This is just behaviour, when we give in the true spirit of subsidiarity, knowing that all we have comes from God and thus, we are bound to share His bounty graciously, generously, and with full gratitude.

To be healer in the parish, and among the villagers - Rather than focusing on winning, and thereby selling our souls to be number one, we need to guard our humanity by giving of our time, effort and money. Here Father Pat spoke of the ministry of a smile as healing. He echoed Pope Francis's sharing last Wednesday: A human being’s life is an exchange of looks: someone who looking at us wrings from us the first smile, and we who freely smile at one who is closed in sadness, and thus we open to him a way out.

We also need to be inclusive, to continuously cultivate a sense of unity. This means to take time to listen, and speak words of affirmation to all who are around us, especially family members, whom we often take for granted. We can save lives when we speak loving and healing words of truth into people's lives.

To be rooted in God - When we are grounded in God we will have a solid foundation that gives us a sense of perspective and the ability to prioritize well. Father Pat quoted Mark, chapter one, verse 35, where we need to do what Jesus did, spend time in solitude frequently, so as to know and do the will of His Father perfectly.

It all boils down to the act of heartfelt ministering of the moment, bringing healing where it is needed. To do as Jesus did when He listened to the pleas of the possessed man and drove the demon within out, as told several times in Mark's Gospel. This is how we show how much we are in love with the Father, to do His bidding in a heartbeat, attuned as we are to His ways - to maximize the potential of life as it presents itself, moment by moment, in any given day. We are the Good Samaritan who does not hesitate to stop and help the fallen upon, before we go on our way.

Thank you, Father Patrick, for sharing your time and life, for living and loving us in the moment.

I would like to finish off with this inspiring prayer Father Patrick shared, written by General Douglas MacArthur for his only son, Arthur.

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.

Build me a son whose wishes will not take the place of deeds; a son who will know Thee—and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.

Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.

Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, and the weakness of true strength.

Then I, his father will dare to whisper, “I have not lived in vain. ”

* the appointed time in God's purpose

Loving gratuitously

I read the Pope's recent general audience* with interest where he offers a remedy for unhappiness. He talked about the necessity for a gratuity of love to exist in the world, where we are loved simply for who we are. Love does not need to be earned and he cautions us from falling into a terrible slavery of thinking  we need to be strong, attractive and beautiful in order for others to care for us.

Imagine a world like this: a world without the gratuity of love! It might seem like a human world, but in reality it is a living hell. So many forms of narcissism in man come from a feeling of loneliness and being orphaned. Behind so many seemingly inexplicable behaviors lies a question: Is it possible that I don’t deserve to be called by name, that is, to be loved? For love always calls by name…

This experience of divine love, of being called by name, of being loved first for no reason at all, and that does not rely on whether we are good or bad is mostly found in the way a mother or father loves their child. Even if the child has strayed, a mother never stops suffering for her child. She loves him even when he is a sinner. God does the same thing with us: we are his beloved children!

The inclusive, unconditional quality of God's love is not easy for us to live out, especially when we sin or are sinned against. Plus, no one has perfect parents, and we learn to love based very much on how our parents loved us, and how they loved each other. Thus, the memory of this primordial beauty of being wanted, loved, desired is often distorted or obscured.

Even if we have not had such great experiences ourselves, it does not stop us from loving others with this brand of unconditional love. The more we try to love this way, the more we will become proficient at it, and we will also, in turn, experience this gratuity of love ourselves.

The Pope's "medicine" for unhappy people goes like this: First you need to embrace him. Make him feel that he is wanted, that he is important, and he will stop being sad. 

It may sound simplistic but it works. When I am down, what soothes my soul, gets me out of my despair, is to just have someone listen to me wholeheartedly, without judging me or offering me solutions - just be there for me. They don't have to say a word, simply embrace me in the soft silence of loving empathy (a real hug works wonders for me as well). For into that space, Jesus enters and brings His Spirit of healing, gratuitous love.

Love calls to love, more powerfully than hatred calls to death. Jesus did not die and rise for himself, but for us, so that our sins might be forgiven. It is therefore a time of resurrection for everyone: time to raise up the poor from discouragement, especially those who have been lying in the tomb for much longer than three days. 

One of the ways to raise people up is through what Father Patrick Crowley calls the ministry of a smile. When we smile first at others, meeting their eyes with warm sincerity as we do, we will, inadvertently, as Pope Francis says, open the doors of their heart. Sadly, busy beings such as we are, always rushing onto the next appointment, we hardly ever look at others eye to eye, or smile.

On this great feast of Corpus Christi, it is fitting to live out the power of Christ's Body and Blood, given to us at every Eucharistic celebration, by pledging to love as He did. To give of ourselves: to love with a freeness of not expecting anything in return but just to love someone for who they are; and to be fully present in the moments of the day when we interact with people, listening with openness.

May the wind of liberation blow here, on our faces. May the gift of hope bud forth. And hope is from God the Father who loves us as we are: he loves us always and everyone.

*   https://zenit.org/articles/popes-general-audience-on-beloved-children-certainty-of-hope/

Holding space

I just read an excellent article by Kaitlin Curtice, posted on her blog on June 1 entitled People Who Hold Space Will Heal the Church* and I loved how she shared about how her husband held the space for her in their relationship, trusting and allowing her to mature as an individual, and to grow into their relationship: it wasn’t a vision for what he thought I was supposed to be, but a vision still unknown to him, held by the mystery of God.

Curtice goes on to write on how this attitude of waiting patiently, and of trusting the long-term vision, can help us heal the church which is often "a place that tries to manage others, and it often leaves people wounded. It wounds the church by distorting who the church should really be, and it wounds individuals in the church by making them feel like they aren’t good enough for Jesus."

So what exactly does holding the space mean? This term was new to me so I googled it and came across yet another great article by Heather Plett** on what it is. She stresses that it is not exclusive to coaches, facilitators or palliative care nurses, but is something everyone can do for anyone they meet in the day as well as with people of longstanding relationships.

As Plett writes:

It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.

Plett offers eight tips on how we can hold space for others which I am going to summarize here. Do read the entire article by following the link at the bottom of this entry:

1. Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom.
2. Give people only as much information as they can handle. 
3. Don’t take their power away. 
4. Keep your own ego out of it. 
5. Make them feel safe enough to fail. 
6. Give guidance and help, with humility and thoughtfulness.
7. Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc. 
8. Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would. 

Reading through Plett's tips, I realize my impatience and ego have caused me to be the church that wounds and distorts more than I would like to admit. Increasingly, I realize that true wisdom is not merely having clarity and deep insight into a situation, rather, it is knowing how to impart a nugget of information that helps the other arrive at the most judicious and beneficial decision. It is not about being right, or winning an argument; it is about being a sensitive and engaged listener who genuinely cares for the wellbeing of the other.

Being human, it's impossible not to get discouraged, or allow impatience to rule our tongues with harsh words when dealing with people, especially people who do not seem to learn from past mistakes, or insist on being pigheadedly obtuse.

The only way we can be effective space holders is to emulate the ultimate space holder, Jesus (read about the classic journey to Emmaus in Luke's Gospel, chapter 24). If only I could be someone who makes people hearts burn with the truth and renewed passion.

Today, I give thanks for my ICPE Woman to Woman and Companion communities who have held the space for me and allowed me to grow at my own pace. And I trust that the Lord will continue to teach me how to be the healing space holder He has been to me all these years, and to bring healing to His church.

 *  https://kaitlincurtice.com/2017/06/11/people-who-hold-space-will-heal-the-church/

**  http://upliftconnect.com/hold-space/

The power of struggling

We come out of our mother's womb struggling. Both mother and child will experience a mix of pain and fear, amidst the awe and joy. Every new thing we learn as a child, be it walking or talking, involves great effort, and most certainly, initial failure. So why is it that, as adults, we expect life to be plain sailing, or we shy away from struggles?

When life pulls the rug from underneath our feet, we moan and wail, ready to give up and walk away? How did we lose the innate confidence we had as children that we were born to walk, and thus, we never stop attempting to stand up again and walk, even after we have fallen the gadzillionth time. We are bold, intrepid beings, undeterred by failure. Adversity is swatted away by chubby fingers and blithe spirits.

Having hit an emotional speed bump lately I have been reflecting on where I am right now - why am I struggling so much, and what is it that I am being put through my paces to learn? P mentioned last Friday evening that emotional crises are brought upon by transitions in life. I guess that must be it. I am currently still transitioning into married life.

Don't get me wrong, I can see practically almost every blessing I receive in this new season of life, and I am filled with gratitude and joy. But, to be honest, there are things I mourn deeply and I grapple with change (why can't certain things stay the way they were). I suffer a sense of guilt for having left certain things, certain people, behind. I keep telling myself not to look back, lest I become like Lot's wife, paralyzed and unable to move forward in my new life.

Then there are the growing pains, and the need to find balance and inner harmony when thrown into a completely new arena fraught with complexities to negotiate. I am impatient to get on with it and acquire a certain level of expertise that can only come with time. Instead, I wish to fast forward life and skip the struggles, knowing full well that going through it all is necessary in order for insight and wisdom to come.

When Father Romeo said change was a blessing in our lives during his weekend homily, I almost groaned. I don't dispute that change can be wonderful, but I take issue with how it can be strange-awkward painful, causing me to struggle before a new equilibrium is found.

In order to fly, the butterfly must struggle to emerge from the chrysalis. The process of breaking out of the chrysalis pumps blood through the new wings so that they can unfurl strongly into the beautiful and functional apparatus the butterfly requires to fly. So the struggles I am now encountering in the transition of single life into marriage and motherhood are par for the course. I should not let them get me down, nor stay down for too long.

After all, I have been practising for years now for this vocation and I finally get to do it for real. These are thrilling and exciting times. Never mind the occasional cut or bruise. That should not stop me. Nothing should stop me. Just as little Moana of Motunui and little Diana of Themyscira had a sense of who they were to become when they grew up, I, too, have that same intuition. I, too, am made for greatness, to move hearts, change lives, and make the world a better place.

As I prayed the Novena to the Holy Spirit for the seven gifts of wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety and fear of the Lord, I came to a better understanding of my struggles and what powers my fears. I thank God for the gift of the Holy Spirit this Pentecost, for, with Him, I can rejoice in my struggles and celebrate my fears. I pray for His constant presence to aid me in all my endeavours and make change a blessing I can bestow on others. 

Channelling the Rita effect

Ever since P and I got back from France, I have been suffering from jet lag in the worst way. I am also in great physical discomfort due to tight muscles and I have not been able to sleep much in the night, resulting in me going about woolly-headed in the day, trying not to let nausea overcome me. Feeling lousy has affected me emotionally and I currently feel a little overwhelmed by life. So it was timely that May 22 was the feast day of Saint Rita of Cascia.

Saint Rita is known as the Saint of the Impossible; she is Patroness of Impossible Causes. Reading about her life, I can see why. Married against her will at age 12 to a physically abusive philanderer of a husband (she wanted to enter the convent from a young age), she managed to convert him, after long years, only to lose him due to a vendetta where he was violently stabbed to death.

Then she lost her sons, and when she wished to enter a convent subsequently, she was rejected until she could  put an end to the longstanding vendetta between her husband's family and his murderer's family. Here she enlisted the help of her three patron saints in prayer, to great effect. She brought about peaceful reconciliation, and thus could finally fulfil her childhood desire by entering the monastery of Saint Magdalene at age 36.

Her early life seemed to careen from one disaster to the next. I am just amazed that she never lost hope, remained full of faith, never gave up, and turned around seemingly impossible situations through steadfast prayer, and an attractive disposition that brought many people to Christ. All this from the time she was a mere child!

Saint Rita is known for her partial stigmata which is a bleeding wound on her forehead that appeared when she in her 60s and meditating before the image of the crucified Christ. The wound, as if from a thorn from the crown of thorns on Christ's head, signified her deep union with Jesus.

I especially like this fact I picked up from Wikipedia:

On the 100th anniversary of her canonization in 2000, Pope John Paul II noted her remarkable qualities as a Christian woman: “Rita interpreted well the 'feminine genius' by living it intensely in both physical and spiritual motherhood.”

Here is a woman who did not let the strictures and disadvantages of her time stop her from becoming a woman true to her principles of being God-loving. Her rock solid faith life buoyed her and helped her bear much fruit spiritually, and in very concrete, miraculous even, ways. She was humble and obedient to the Gospel despite all her travails.

Just as she loved greatly, she was loved in return. Close to the end of her life, she received the gift of a beautiful rose that came from her family garden in winter - God had granted this impossible request she made of her cousin who had visited her and asked her what she wanted from her family home.

Today, this saint that was born in 1381 has helped me put a little perspective into my own life. Sure, there are facets of my life that are challenging. And yes, I fumble, and may not be very good at what I do. I may even feel defeated by small and inconsequential things, dispirited by my clumsy efforts at loving the people around me, but that's no excuse for pessimism and self-pity, especially since I have her good example of what one can accomplish if one sets one's mind to it.

I may be a weak woman, riddled with insecurities and fear, but I have God's Spirit, all powerful and ever-living inside of me, I have the wisdom and strength of Jesus and His mother, Mary, when I run to them. I also have inspiring saints like Saint Rita to emulate as well as to root for me. Nothing is impossible or so unbearable that I just give up and give in to despair.

Many things may be out of my control and I may not necessarily be happy about everything that happens in my life, but is that a bad thing? Shouldn't I have more faith and trust that all things will work out for the good of everyone including myself, especially in the long haul?

Like Saint Rita, I must remain fearless, persevering and loving no matter what life throws me, and be true to who I am and what I stand for. As Saint John Paul II encouraged:

In her example of total abandonment to God, in her transparent simplicity and in her unflinching fidelity to the Gospel, we too can find sound direction for being authentic Christian witnesses.

Saint Rita, help me to focus on God, and God alone, to be obedient, and steadfast. May I change my world as you did yours, bringing peace, joy and the goodness of God to all. May I wear my suffering as lightly as you wore yours, loving Christ as much as you did.

Rosary powerful

Praying the rosary in front of the beautiful mosaics depicting the different mysteries in the Basilica of the Rosary in Lourdes was an extraordinary experience that has cemented my love of the rosary. It was also special to pray the rosary in the various churches we visited in Paris and feel that both Mary and Jesus were travelling with us as we went from church to church.

As May is the month dedicated to Mary, both P and I have also been watching, for free, the excellent series put out by St Paul Center for Biblical Theology entitled The Bible and the Virgin Mary. Watching the talks have given me fresh insights into the dogmas on Mary and how the Catholic Church arrived at them.

Contrary to what non-Catholics think, dogmas have their roots in the Bible, especially Marian dogmas; Mary's Immaculate Conception, her role as Mother of God, her Perpetual Virginity, and Mary's Assumption into heaven. Do watch the talks if you seek a deeper understanding of why Mary is so loved and revered as our Mother.

Each talk is prefaced by a vignette on Marian apparitions that have occurred worldwide. Apart from Lourdes, Mary has appeared in Guadalupe, Banneux, Fatima and Knock, to name a few places, and her apparitions usually coincide with turbulent times in world history, or just before pivotal events or great changes happen. Mary, through her appearances, inspires us to deeper prayer and faith, to turn to Jesus, her Son, as Lord and Saviour, especially in times of trial.

Her gentle and quiet wisdom, coupled with her exemplary life, has helped many return to the faith, and even today, many flock to places like Lourdes, to seek healing and reconciliation with Jesus. Thousands of hearts have been converted, just by visiting these sacred sites where she has appeared.

Although I have always loved Mary, I have never prayed the rosary with any regularity. It is through P's great love for Mary that I have come to love and respect our Mother in new ways, and to pray the rosary daily. I can testify to how powerful the rosary has been, for my prayers, spoken and unspoken, have been answered in ways I never thought possible. My faith journey has been enriched immensely in these last seven months

Praying the rosary, coupled with fasting, is truly a powerful spiritual weapon that has helped avert wars and combat evil. Many saints both recommend and, through their lives, demonstrate the efficacy of the rosary. Saint John Paul II exhorted the faithful to pray the rosary not only for peace in the world, but as a defender of family life. If we want to effect change in the world, especially attacks on the family, our own families in particular, pray the rosary. It will change not just us as people, but the people around us.

In his Apostolic Letter Rosarium Virginis Mariae, paragraph 15, JPII talks about how the rosary leads us to closer relationship with Jesus, and thus to be more like Him:

In the spiritual journey of the Rosary, based on the constant contemplation – in Mary’s company – of the face of Christ, this demanding ideal of being conformed to him is pursued through an association which could be described in terms of friendship. We are thereby enabled to enter naturally into Christ’s life and as it were to share his deepest feelings. In this regard Blessed Bartolo Longo has written: “Just as two friends, frequently in each other’s company, tend to develop similar habits, so too, by holding familiar converse with Jesus and the Blessed Virgin, by meditating on the mysteries of the Rosary and by living the same life in Holy Communion, we can become, to the extent of our lowliness, similar to them and can learn from these supreme models a life of humility, poverty, hiddenness, patience and perfection”

It is not easy to be committed to meditating on the five mysteries as one recites a decade of Hail Marys at a stretch during each mystery, but it has helped me learn perseverance and patience, besides giving me supernatural wisdom to aid my decisions these last months. Praying the rosary allows me to show my love and regard for both Jesus and Mary. Praying the rosary lets me live my faith out in a very real way. Give it a shot if you need quiet but potent oomph in your prayer life. Pray the rosary.

Lourdes and beyond

May 6:  P and I are in France. What began as a simple fulfilment of a wedding gift grew into something so much more, a pilgrimage. I am quite excited for it will be our first pilgrimage together. Finally, after all the fits and starts of last year, all the aborted plans, we are actually visiting not only a major Marian shrine (Lourdes is touted as the world's most visited Christian shrine), but also places that hold great meaning for us individually, and as a couple.

Our first stop is Lourdes. When we met couple P and H last week, P shared that Lourdes was like a spiritual Wonderland for both of them - every day, they were trying to decide what to do and where to visit. Oh, this is going to be so much fun!

Lourdes is where Mother Mary appeared to a young girl, Bernadette Soubirous, in 1858, in a series of 18 meetings (or apparitions), and where the now Saint Bernadette received instruction to dig in the mud from which the spring water flows to this very day. Pilgrims the world over come, en masse, to pray, drink and immerse themselves in these waters, and some experience great physical healing. Hence Lourdes is known to be a place of many miracles, and of healing.

May 9:  We have completed our sojourn in Lourdes and it has been a time of great blessing. We were first blessed with gorgeous, warm, sunny days despite all the warnings of cold and dreary weather.

We were also blessed to be here on the weekend when the Order of Malta congregate annually during the first week of May, May being the Marian month. The spirit of the hospitallers inspired me with their willingness to serve the sick. It was heartening to see this spirit of service inculcated in the young, as seen by the troops of children walking around the grounds in their red berets.

The International Mass, this Good Shepherd Sunday, in the underground Basilica of St Pius X was filled to its 25,000 capacity with pilgrims from the world over. I have not been in the same space as with so many priests, bishops, and even cardinals. It was an awesome and moving mass.

My best couple experience was to walk and meditate the Way of the Cross together twice. Many things spoke to me during both days when we did this prayer walk. God's creativity spoke to me in the beauty of the trees dressed in spring foliage and I gave thanks for the beautiful, serene surroundings of Lourdes. My sense of gratitude, and joy, was great during the walks. Who am I that Jesus should die for me? And yet, He did, and I was reminded to live life "to the full" for I have been given the gift of eternal life.

Another reminder is that life is a journey, and we are perpetually pilgrims, journeying with Jesus as our destination, as well as our Bread for the journey. Travel light and walk virtuously by partaking of the Bread every day. As I walked, and prayed, with P by my side, I luxuriated in the fact that I had found my mountain man in P, the one who will climb the mountain of the Lord with me, the one with clean hands, and pure heart. I am blessed beyond measure.

May 10:  P and I leave for Lisieux today after a very short stop in Chartres to visit the Cathédrale Notre-Dame de Chartres. We spent the afternoon in this immense and impossibly beautiful Cathedral giving thanks and praying. N and S had a little accident but are both fine, so much to be thankful for.

Although we couldn't walk the famed labyrinth on the church floor, we walked the two small labyrinths in the surrounding gardens. The thing that struck me about this Cathedral is how we took our bearings from it as this edifice dominated the landscape of the charming town of Chartres. Once I lost sight of the Cathedral I became disoriented. Likewise, in life, I need to keep my eyes on Jesus so as to know where I am going.

Onwards to Lisieux, to see the home of The Little Flower. 

Easter meaning

You delight me.
Every gossamer layer of my being.
Your goodness wraps seductive fingers
Round my soul, waking up my inner child,
Tickling, inspiring bubbly giggly joy.
Is it legal to feel this way?
So filled with intense happiness
High on how much you are like Him!
The honed muscles of your integrity
Sheathed in luminous lines of humility 
As I wend deeper within the sculptured spires 
Of who you are, I gaze with pleasure
On your battle-scarred heart 
Fashioned by faith and hard choices
You have become our Mother's son:
Many things bright and beautiful,
Sweetly wise and wonderful.
Spring flowers sing a melody true 
Of how, every day, Resurrection follows death.

Divine Mercy victories

Today is Divine Mercy Sunday. It is also the Easter Octave. Little did I know when I made an appointment to meet up with P last Divine Mercy Sunday that slightly over a year later we would be happily married. Truly, God's mercy knows no end. It took us both almost a lifetime to find each other, but it is definitely worth the wait.

Although I had always wondered why it was revealed to me the marriage, and motherhood, was my vocation over a decade ago, I also knew that I was probably not ready for the real thing, and so nothing happened. I had also come to the conclusion that if it never came to pass, it was perfectly okay. I was happy.

Jesus was 'all the man that I need' as Whitney Houston crooned. I crucified my desires for a life partner on the cross and resurrection came in the form of my ICPE Companions community, my Woman to Woman Ministry, my Saint Teresa's community, my work, my friends, and all the opportunities to fine-tune a heart set on Jesus as my eternal Bridegroom. It was more than enough. Then P came along, twelve and a half years later, thanks to Divine Mercy.

My reflection this Easter is how much marriage mirrors both the Passion and Easter - the rites of crucifixion, death and resurrection. Unless we crucify our sins and our selfish inclinations for self-serving happiness, unless we die to self, crippling habits and set ways of doing things, we cannot be open to the Spirit leading us into fully experiencing the joy and satisfaction of building a relationship that best mimics the penultimate, desirable relationship with God.

Marriage is the icon of our eternal and blissful nuptial union with Jesus in the afterlife. Marriage points us to heaven. I am greedy, I want to experience marriage with Jesus in the here and now. This desire forms the basis of my marriage with P. I therefore attempt to live out crucifixion, death and resurrection every day. I willingly accept 'suffering', by killing off my own ego and my fears, and I stay optimistically open to divine resurrection that breathes new life and form into my days. I can remain hopeful because I know exactly how much He loves me for He has demonstrated His love countless times before, and continues to do so on a daily basis.

Radical change so late in life is not easy but, again, Divine Mercy plays a huge part in making the transition from single to married seem fairly effortless and painless. I am grateful for all the help I have received to be able to 'see' what my human mind cannot see, and to 'know' what to do, especially when I experience hurt and anger, or when I really do not know what to do.

Last night, I attended a concert by the DVC Youth Choir from the Church of Saint Ignatius called Victory Stories. Apart from being highly enjoyable, it was inspiring to see how God has worked miracles in the lives of these young people, and that each victory story was one that testified to the Lord's bountiful mercy. When we seek Him with sincere hearts, He does not disappoint, even if it may take time.

My take away this Easter is to continue to trust and to hope, and as my Easter egg 'fortune' (Romans 12:12) reminded me: Rejoice in your hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Seeing as this Word was given to me before marriage several times, and once again last night, I will receive this Easter gift with a joyous and grateful heart. Thank you, Jesus, for your Divine Mercy. You reign victorious!

Battling the menopausal blues

I had lunch with J yesterday and I realised that the one thing most women do not seem to know much about is menopause or the period leading up to it - perimenopause or premenopause. It can be a trying time, and some symptoms can last for as long as 10 years.

Some women are blessed for they seem to breeze through it, while others, like myself, experience a whole plethora of wonderful stuff like mood swings, hot flashes, sensitivity to sound and smell, foggy brain, poor memory, insomnia, weight gain (especially around the middle), anger that is not proportionate to the situation, increased irritability, and even severe depression. There is also dry skin, thinning hair, reduced neuromuscular coordination and unexplained aches and pains, not to mention the dark circles and eye bags from the lack of sleep.

It doesn't help when as women in our forties and fifties, we have achieved much in our lives already, and suddenly, we seem to be fumbling big time. On top of this, we have to contend with ageing woes and feeling unattractive. It is hard to accept our physical limitations brought about by the change of life, the decreased energy levels and the lethargy that seems to set in so that all we want to do is retreat from the world. Everything just seems too difficult. We don't want to get out of bed. We give up very easily. Then we beat ourselves up for being in this state of torpor, yet are unable to rise above it.

When we fly into rages, we hate ourselves after, for we should have known better. Self-hate seems to be the flavour of the season. I sometimes feel like a crazy person and a failure, someone who just cannot get her act together. My IQ has dropped drastically and, I find myself doing really stupid things, both mortifying and  unforgivable.

I know I am not sick, and that all this will go away eventually (I seem to be over the worst of it),  but there are days sheer exhaustion takes over and I just don't want to engage in the world, or I feel very unlovable and unworthy of being loved. I cannot seem to let go of my own mistakes, and I dwell, I brood on less than perfect situations, never mind that everybody else has already forgotten about it, or never even noticed anything was wrong in the first place.

So, ladies, if you are experiencing any of the above, take heart, it could just be a hormonal thing. There are things you can do to alleviate the severity of some of the symptoms. Do some research, and experiment to see what works for you. Personally, my life-savers include miso and seaweed soup for the hot flashes, progesterone cream for the insomnia, and exercise for general well being and to rebuild the marked loss of muscle. I even tried TCM for a short period of time, and it has worked.

A vital part of going through perimenopause and menopause is to maintain and lean on a strong support system. Act against the inclination to go it alone, to be the independent and capable woman you are. It's no crime in being needy at times. Share with loved ones how you feel, and get the necessary TLC  you need from good women friends - please do not veer off the path and seek inappropriate validation from others that will only increase your misery in the long run. It's perfectly alright to be vulnerable and weak, and not to have all the answers in life. I am grateful for good friends and my mother who have eased my passage through their care and concern.

Quality and frequent quiet time with Jesus has been another requisite for me - to rest in my identity as Beloved, especially when I feel like a zero. Prayer has been my mainstay through the worst patches, as well as daily mass and regular reconciliation. I have learned to let go and to let God take over. What is not within my control is certainly within His, thus, leaning on His understanding enables me to deal with my reality and my frustrations daily.

Every season of life will have its challenges and the menopausal years are no different. We can, however, choose how we deal with it. Pragmatism, prayer and lots of exercise go a long way. Give it a shot.

His grace is enough

Before I got married I was struggling with a lot of fears. What if we cannot make each other happy? What if I lose my freedom, my identity, that I have worked so hard through the years to claim? What if love is not enough to work through all our differences? What if I am simply not good enough, not up to the state of matrimony and all it encompasses?

I have always understood the gravitas of marriage as a vocation to be entered into as if one were to enter into the priesthood or religious orders. It is a decision to be undertaken seriously, and not for selfish, self-serving reasons. Sacrifice ensues. Hence my process of discernment was peppered with increasingly nervous questions without any clear answers.

C and S helped diminish my anxiety with their love and support through the months leading up to marriage. In the sharing of their own journey, I was greatly encouraged. C shared that he lost all his fears on their wedding day. The sacramental graces received made all the difference. S shared the importance of allowing God to minister to the marriage through time, and to keep persevering in prayer. Transformation is patently possible, but it takes time, lots of it.

Coming up to four months of marriage, I am still amazed at how God has been so generous to me, to us. Like C, I have lost a lot of my fears, and I find I am strengthened and made whole by P's love every day. There is such liberation and joy in being cherished and respected by my husband (I hope he experiences as much goodness in his life as I do in mine).

The power of the Sacrament of Marriage is not to be underestimated. P and I rely on it continuously. There are good days when I can see beyond my own myopic vision, and when I am unable to, I am given the patient wisdom of Mother Mary's to ponder these things in my heart, until situations unfurl in unimaginable and marvellous ways.

I am able to subsume my will, and to let go of my own ideas of how things should be, and therefore to open the door to the graces of the Holy Spirit and let them flow where they will. I find myself constantly living out God's promise of "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

It is a challenge to play in a new arena of life for all the rules have changed and the landscape is completely alien to me and not without lurking giants and towering obstacles. There are also things I mourn from my past, and yet, having put my hand on the plough of marriage, I do not look back but must train my gaze to look front despite my aching heart.

In our bedroom is a much beloved wedding gift (thanks A, I was so thrilled when I first unscrolled the document and saw it), an Apostolic Blessing from Pope Francis, and it reminds me that P and I have been given daily divine graces when we consecrated our love at the altar. Every day I pray for those divine graces for I know, on my own strength, I will fail dismally.

I will never be good enough for I am a sinful and wretched woman. Likewise, P will always have his own faults and shortcomings, but we can have, will have, a good marriage as we take our time growing into it together. It is sufficient that we each desire to love Jesus and follow in His footsteps. This one desire will anchor us in all seasons, and keep us in harmonious unity. His grace is more than enough to lead us there. 

First year anniversary

Since you left 
I have picked up the pieces
Of my shattered heart
Glued and taped together again
In stoic resolution
The valves that once 
Whooshed with glee
As we whiled the afternoon away 
Eating nonsensical 
Life-giving chocolate cake
I even got married_
You would have approved
Been happy for me
He is gentle (like you)
Loves me veritably (like you did)
Life does percolate new flavours 
Bursting with colour and verve
I carry the bag you made
Wear your stylish sensibilities 
With great fondness 
So you are never far away
In fact the jagged gaps 
In my heart remind me 
All the time.

Hoping heroically

I find it most ironic that the more I worry about my ageing mother, the more impatient and intolerant I am with her infirmities. It is as if I cannot accept her ageing. Every sign of forgetfulness, every little mistake she makes is greeted with an incredulous query, and sometimes, even an admonishment. I am not proud of myself when I am short with Mummy, but I am oftentimes unable to control my response.

At the heart of my less than sympathetic behaviour is fear. I dread the day she will leave me behind and return to God. She will leave an impossibly huge void and I will mourn inconsolably. There are, in fact, times I catch myself mourning the inevitable parting now. So every instance of age-related vulnerability strikes a chord of terror within me. I don't want her to go. Ever. How would I survive without her in my life?

Here is where faith, and hope, carry me in this love relationship. Because I believe in the Kingdom of Heaven, I know that, one day, I will be joined, not just with my Heavenly Father, but with every person I have ever loved, and we will all live together, united in eternal bliss and harmony.

Celebrating Mummy's 84th birthday

In the meantime, I can stop being afraid, and try to be the most loving, caring, the best daughter I can be to my mother, storing up happy memories to tide me through the eventual chasm of death, until we rise again with Christ, in mystical union. I can await with eagerness the ultimate mother-daughter future in eternity, which will suffer a mere temporary parting of ways on earth.

Yesterday afternoon, some of the Woman to Woman Ministry ladies, past and present, got together to celebrate being women of hope. It was a time of fellowship, brief reflection, and rejoicing in God's goodness through song and dance. Although I had to leave early, I left inspired.

Like love, hope is not based on feelings, but it is an act of will. We can hope, even in our most despairing moments, and we can choose to bring light into the darkest periods of our lives, and to bear light to others who are with us in the darkness, and who have lost hope, even faith.

Hope, as a theological virtue, is a grace given by God, to encourage us and help us along the rocky path of life in making the right decisions to live a life of love, knowing, deep in our bones that what we will find, eventually, is unmatched happiness when we meet Him face to face, with no barriers in between as we have here on earth, and our hearts will beat as one accord. Centred in our identity as children of God, hope also helps us live fruitful lives.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1818, says this:

The virtue of hope responds to the aspiration to happiness which God has placed in the heart of every man; it takes up the hopes that inspire men's activities and purifies them so as to order them to the Kingdom of heaven; it keeps man from discouragement; it sustains him during times of abandonment it opens up his heart in expectation of eternal beatitude. Buoyed up by hope, he is preserved from selfishness and led to the happiness that flows from charity.

Put simply, the virtue of hope points us towards happiness, by inspiring us to goodness and generosity; hope brings out the best in each of us and keeps us going even in the midst of difficulties. Hope purifies our intentions and motivations, so we can fearlessly walk the way of the Cross with eyes trained on Jesus. Hope is what gives us the vision to see beyond mortal tragedy and great loss, to know we are not alone, and that we can always rely on the goodness of God.

There are four capitol errors* pointed out by F.K. Bartels in his excellent exposition on hope. They are: unawareness of or disbelief in God's immanent presence; doubt of God's all inclusive plan of divine love; the apparent inability to trust in God's help; and the growing uncertainty that God intervenes in human history and in the daily lives of his children.

Knowing what we know about Jesus and having encountered His goodness personally does not stop us from doubt or despair, more so when crisis or calamity hits us. So it is necessary to note and remember when and where we have experienced His beneficence, to remain rooted in His unchanging and undying love for us, and to keep turning back to Him when we falter. Isn't that what Lent is all about anyway, turning back?

Bartels calls Saint Maximilian Kolbe a portrait of hope, a man who was given the supernatural gift of hope to trustingly walk forward even as he gave his life up for another in Auschwitz.

For the Christian, nothing in life is merely a fluke. Even the very worst of circumstances, such as the horrors found in the death camp of Auschwitz, can ultimately be the very path toward permanent, supernaturally infused bliss and the unending reception of divine love, provided we open our hearts in hope to God and make every effort to live according to his will.

Thinking back on the sudden death of J almost a year ago, I can say that grievous as his death was to me at the time, I entered into a new relationship of trust, and hope, with Jesus. The tragedy encouraged me to cling to the Father's promises, and to be unafraid of loving others. It helped nudge my nascent relationship with P to definitive heights.

To live according to God's will requires heroic amounts of hope, but it is precisely heroic amounts of hope that will be given us if we desire it, and we wish to walk the mile with no compromise. Try it. Give hope a chance and let it transform your life in ways you never imagined.

* http://www.catholic.org/news/saints/story.php?id=47246