Lenten promise

Is it just me or do temptations sing sweet, seductive tunes that are hard to ignore during the Lenten season? I find myself like Saint Paul - extremely contrary.

When it comes to prayer time, I get distracted incredibly fast or I drag my feet. Even though when I actually go inward and stand before God, transformation does take place. My unwilling heart uncovers the hidden desire I had inside to seek God and let Him touch me and fill me with joy. I am then given the necessary nourishment to weather the vicissitudes of the days to come. It is all good. So ask me why I can't pray more readily or eagerly?

On days of fasting, food suddenly seems all the more appealing and my tummy rumbles louder than it does on days when I am too busy to eat (and by default, am fasting). I struggle to define what constitutes true fasting, putting all my energies into counting the number of grains of rice I eat and pondering whether eggs count as meat or not.

I even delight in the fact that I may be losing some weight - always a desired thing. Thus the spirit of the fast is so easily lost, as is the opportunity to unite my efforts with my brothers and sisters in the world who are starving by circumstance and not choice. 

It is tough to keep the wholesome, unadulterated flavour of my Lenten efforts authentic. The answer to maintaining authenticity, as we all know, is interiority. A desert experience. Father Raniero Cantalamessa writes in his first Lenten homily:

Inwardness is the way to an authentic life. There is so much talk today of authenticity and it is made the criterion of success or lack thereof in life. However, where is authenticity for a Christian? When is it that a person is truly himself? Only when he has God as his measure.

So what keeps me from being grounded and real? It is the d word. As Father C writes:

Today also, the whole effort of the devil is to divert man from the purpose for which he is in the world, which is to know, love and serve God in this life to enjoy him later in the next; to distract him. But Satan is astute; he does not appear as a person with horns and the smell of sulfur. It would be too easy to recognize him. He makes use of good things leading them to excess, absolutizing them and making them idols. Money is a good thing, as is pleasure, sex, eating, drinking. However, if they become the most important thing in life, they are no longer means but become destructive for the soul and often also for the body.

The presence of evil in the world is something we do face. Our inclination to concupiscence is alive and kicking. But because Christ conquered the devil, we have nothing to fear. I may struggle with temptation in my Lenten journey, but I can and will persist for I know Lent can be a season of great beauty and fulfilment.

Father C's homily is not just an invitation to sobriety**, but to go into the desert, as Jesus did. To go down into my own heart, to renew my contact with God, because “Truth dwells in the interior man.” Truth that is not only "the secret of happiness and of peace in this life" but is about love. 

What does one in love desire more than to be alone, in intimacy, with the person loved? God is in love with us and he wants us to be in love with him. Speaking of his people as of a bride, God says: “I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her” (Hosea 2:16). We know what the effect is of being in love: all things and all other persons withdraw, are placed in the background. There is a presence that fills everything and renders all the rest “secondary.” It does not isolate from others, rather it renders one more attentive and disposed to others. Oh if we men and women of the Church would discover how close to us, within our reach, is the happiness and the peace that we seek in this world!

So the desert is not a place of desolation but a place of living intimacy. Lent can be much more than deprivation or stern discipline, it can be a time of courtship and delight, of tender love. 

Jesus awaits us in the desert: let us not leave him alone during this time.

* http://www.zenit.org/en/articles/father-cantalamessa-s-1st-lent-homily-2014

** As defined by Father C, sobriety is to willingly deprive oneself from little and great comforts, of what is useless, and sometimes also damaging to one’s health. This fasting is solidarity with the poverty of so many.

Wholeheartedly vulnerable

Just these past few weeks, an act of callousness by someone I love made me feel heartsick, worthless and full of shame. This shame, underpinned by the belief that I was not worthy of being loved, flooded through me and slew my equilibrium. Briefly.

What got me out of the hole I had fallen into was the buoyant truth: I am deeply loved and deserving of such generous love. Plus, listening to Doctor Brené Brown's TED talks* on vulnerability and shame made me realize how far I have come in living with, what she termed, wholeheartedness.

In researching shame, Doctor Brown found that shame, which is the fear of disconnection and the belief that we are not worthy of love killed vulnerability, severely impacting our ability to connect with others and ultimately find purpose and meaning in life.

Shame is what hamstrings us from living life courageously, from “daring greatly”, and to live as we were created to as humans, with wholeheartedness.

She found that wholehearted people are people with a strong sense of worthiness or a strong sense of love and belonging, and who fully believed they were worthy of that love and belonging. They had:

COURAGE The courage to tell their stories with their whole hearts, unafraid of being imperfect.

COMPASSION First the compassion to be kind to themselves, then to others.

CONNECTION The ability of connecting with others with authenticity. They were themselves, instead of trying to be someone they should be.

VULNERABILITY Fully embraced vulnerability and it is this that makes them beautiful. 

The wholehearted people she interviewed spoke of vulnerability as necessary, albeit uncomfortable. Vulnerability may be at the core of shame, fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it is also the birthplace of joy, belonging, love, innovation, creativity and change.

She explains vulnerability as the willingness to say I love you first, the willingness to do something when there are no guarantees and the willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. Doctor Brown also describes vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure and uncertainty.

You might say that does not sound prudent in the least and you would be right. However the alternatives are far worse.

Doctor Brown found that you cannot numb vulnerability without numbing other emotions such as joy, gratitude and happiness. In keeping out the "bad stuff" (vulnerability is widely perceived as weakness), we keep out the good stuff as well.

Numbing vulnerability has strongly contributed to the current American adult cohort as the one that is most in debt and prone to obesity and addiction, with an over-reliance on medication.

Other unhealthy coping mechanisms include a tendency to make the uncertain certain, where we insist we are right, leaving no room for discourse. We only know how to lay blame (Doctor Brown defines blame as a way to discharge pain and discomfort) and to judge.

Then there is also the way we attempt to perfect things, refusing to concede that we are imperfect beings, wired for struggle. Unable to recognize that we are worthy of love and belonging because of, and not in spite of, our flaws.

We pretend. We tell ourselves that what we do (the less than admirable stuff) does not impact others and we justify even our bad behaviour. All this we do in aid of hiding our vulnerability, and shame. Doctor Brown pointed out the high correlation between shame and depression, addiction, eating disorders, bullying, aggression, violence and suicide.

As Christians we are lucky for we have Jesus, who is our poster guy of wholehearted living. How else could He have connected with everyone He met: the woman at the well, Zacchaeus or Mary of Magdala?

Vulnerability may result in hurt, betrayal and a stomped-on heart from time to time, but I prefer it to a drugged-out existence or one where I live in a bubble, untouched by life, and dead for all intents and purposes.

Should I let you break my heart again?
I must be mental. Certifiable.
To confine myself into that straitjacket you call love
More like infantile promises without bite or substance.
Good going down but ever so toxic.
Making me sick. Destroying me.
You can break me once, even twice. Not anymore.

Should I let you rule my heart again?
I must be stupid. Or just plain slow.
It's not as if I am unacquainted with your fears
The ones you hide so well - especially from yourself.
Swept under the carpet of vacuous bonhomie,
A grinning idiot displays more honesty.
Spared of your perfidious cowardice, I am at peace.

Should I let you touch my heart again?
I must be foolish. Possibly Christ-like.
Loving Him has taught me not to count the costs.
To risk much while keeping my dignity intact
Daring greatly without fear of rejection.
If I remain connected to Him, we can perhaps connect,
And maybe you'll catch a glimpse of Him in me.

* Worth a listen or two: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability and
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

Woman

In praise of women the world over on this International Women's Day.

Created to bring life and beauty into the world,

Her gently curved smile and liquid eyes

Belie a will of tensile steel.

Strength of superheroes reside in her hands,

The hands that rock the cradle, cook and clean,

Conjuring a home out of scraps of nothingness,

Clothing it with inimitable feminine warmth.                

She works tirelessly to build a civilization of love

Blessing those around her like sunlight on rosebuds.

Generations to come have her to thank

For freedom was hard fought and costly as pearls.

Yet centuries of subjugation cannot defeat her,

For she is woman, tenaciously hope-filled,

A force of nature garbed simply in quiet faith.

In Christ's Spirit alone does she move and breathe,

Whether single or married she is certain

That love is the one thing that makes perfect sense,

Thus she makes choices that sparkle and shine

Like stars that guide the lone traveller at night.

She is your wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend,

Give thanks for her goodness that has no end.

LENgThening into poverty

In Pope Francis's Lenten message*, he writes about poverty and how God works by revealing Himself in the weakness and poverty of Christ, not worldly power and wealth. For Christ emptied himself so that he could be like us in all things. (Philippians 2:7)

The Pope goes on to explain just what that poverty is, that we, as people of faith should emulate:

Christ’s poverty is the greatest treasure of all: Jesus’ wealth is that of his boundless confidence in God the Father, his constant trust, his desire always and only to do the Father’s will and give glory to him. Jesus is rich in the same way as a child who feels loved and who loves its parents, without doubting their love and tenderness for an instant.

Through the voluntary act of giving up His will to the Father, Christ became the perfect conduit of God's love. He was, and is, our loving neighbour, just as the Good Samaritan was neighbour to the man left dead by the side of the road.

The question therefore begged: is my faith that strong that I can experience the compassion, tenderness and solidarity of Christ's love to the extent I can live out the wealth of true freedom, true salvation and true happiness? Or do I live out a very real kind of poverty, which is, as the Pope put it: not living as children of God and brothers and sisters of Christ?

If we believe, we are asked to share Christ's filial and fraternal Spirit in what we do to aid our neighbour and save the world. To love as He did.

In every time and place God continues to save mankind and the world through the poverty of Christ, who makes himself poor in the sacraments, in his word and in his Church, which is a people of the poor. God’s wealth passes not through our wealth, but invariably and exclusively through our personal and communal poverty, enlivened by the Spirit of Christ.

In imitation of our Master, we Christians are called to confront the poverty of our brothers and sisters, to touch it, to make it our own and to take practical steps to alleviate it.

Pope Francis goes on to make a distinction between poverty and destitution. Destitution is not the same as poverty: destitution is poverty without faith, without support, without hope. There are three types of destitution: material, moral and spiritual.

The Pope elaborates:

Material destitution is what is normally called poverty, and affects those living in conditions opposed to human dignity: those who lack basic rights and needs such as food, water, hygiene, work and the opportunity to develop and grow culturally.

Moral destitution consists in slavery to vice and sin. Or where people no longer see meaning in life or prospects for the future, a hopelessness triggered by unjust social conditions, by unemployment, and by lack of equal access to education and health care. In such cases, moral destitution can be considered impending suicide.

Spiritual destitution is what we experience when we turn away from God and reject his love. If we think we don’t need God who reaches out to us through Christ, because we believe we can make do on our own, we are headed for a fall. God alone can truly save and free us.

To act against material destitution we begin by recognizing Christ's face in the poor and outcast, and by loving and helping them. We seek to end violations of human dignity, discrimination and abuse.

To help the morally and spiritually destitute, we proclaim the liberating news that forgiveness for sins committed is possible, that God is greater than our sinfulness, that he freely loves us at all times and that we were made for communion and eternal life.

The Lord asks us to be joyous heralds of this message of mercy and hope! It is thrilling to experience the joy of spreading this good news, sharing the treasure entrusted to us, consoling broken hearts and offering hope to our brothers and sisters experiencing darkness. It means following and imitating Jesus, who sought out the poor and sinners as a shepherd lovingly seeks his lost sheep. In union with Jesus, we can courageously open up new paths of evangelization and human promotion.

As Pope Francis goes on to remind us: Lent is a fitting time for self-denial; we would do well to ask ourselves what we can give up in order to help and enrich others by our own poverty. Let us not forget that real poverty hurts: no self-denial is real without this dimension of penance. I distrust a charity that costs nothing and does not hurt.

At the same time, it serves us well to remember that Lent is not about constricting but lengthening, growing in 'this great season of grace'**.

Father Philip Endean writes: Lent is really about is opening ourselves to someone else, about stretching ourselves, so that we can receive the gift of new life coming from God alone.

In order for this to happen, we need to be in touch with what can transform us, what makes us confront new questions, what stretches our commitment and identity. It is that kind of focus that should characterise Lent. Where am I growing? Where are these questions in my life? Where am I being called to something deeper – something which, precisely as such, I cannot get my head round? What is my equivalent of the desert, of Jesus’s temptations? How can I enter into that place fully, freely, generously?

Let us not fall back on facile answers or standard Lenten practices but seek "to be creative, and develop practices that are less conventionally ‘penitential’". Put some real thought and elbow grease into what are worthy penitential practices.

God's divine purpose is for us to grow and never more so than in the season of Lent. Let us not forget we are, ultimately, an Easter people, and that Lent is a time for us "to be open to the one who calls light out of darkness, brings life out of death."

Make this Lent a time of stretching into poverty, Christ's poverty, and be light and salt to those around you.

* http://www.zenit.org/en/articles/pope-francis-lenten-message-2014
** http://www.thinkingfaith.org/articles/20140304_1.htm

Ways of the wise

I have a major flaw. I like to over-analyze situations and people. I can pick an event or person's behaviour to paper thin strips so I tend to be highly critical and judgemental, and therefore not very tolerant or open as a person.

I get uptight and impatient easily when those around me do not behave in a manner I deem appropriate or correct. And I catch myself grousing and whining a lot like a joyless drudge. The world is full of stupid people! Eeeks, so much for being a woman of joy.

So when I read James, chapter 3, verses 13-18 last Monday, it made me stop in my tracks. I pride myself on having a modicum of wisdom that aids me in making decisions and helping others, but am I always wise in a way that is pure, peaceable, gentle, compliant and full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity? Hmmm, I cannot say yes with much conviction.

Saint James goes on to say there must be no bitter jealousy, selfish ambition boastfulness or falseness in wisdom. Otherwise, it is earthly, unspiritual, even demonic. Wisdom of this kind, he states, also gives birth to disorder and every foul practice, and is not from above.

These are indeed strong cautionary words. How often do my eyes turn the palest hint of green and I find myself saying something unkind about someone? Words of criticism and gossip that inflate my ego and are a form of boasting trip over my lips quite effortlessly. Do I always, absolutely, speak the truth, or is it merely my version of the truth?

Based on Saint James's definition of wisdom, one must know when to act and when to hold back; when to speak and what to say, and when to maintain silence. Above all, one speaks and acts with humility and gentleness if one has true wisdom. And yet, it is not advocating doormat-like or people-pleasing behaviour in our dealings with others.

As Mother Teresa put it: Do not expect your friend to be a perfect person but help your friend to become a perfect person. That's true friendship. Mother Teresa is talking about wisdom here. It takes great wisdom to perfect others, seeing as we ourselves are so imperfect. Thus such wisdom can only come from above.

Enter into dialogue that dispenses with the need to be right (check your ego at the door) and a genuine love and interest for the other. Instead of blurting out pearls of advice that may fall on deaf ears, listen with compassion and patience.

People need time and space to be themselves, to be comfortable expressing their own views, before they can, of their own accord, arrive at a conclusion that holds the incontrovertible truth.

Perfection needs time to simmer on the brazier of a faith-seeking understanding. As a friend, I can help by keeping the flame from going out, coaxing it to burn with a slow, sturdy intensity. This requires an assiduous touch and gentle nurturing. I will fall short often, I know, as I have in the past.

Although I may not always have the deftness of true wisdom, I do seek to lead a good life that is packed solid with works pleasing to the Almighty. So God willing, as my friends become more perfect with time, so will I. 

Indestructible seed

Last weekend I watched a slew of romantic movies as Valentine's Day fell on Friday. Although I am not a fan of sad endings, the movie I really liked was Lootera, a movie loosely based on O. Henry's short story The Last Leaf.

It is a beautifully shot and acted (Sonakshi Sinha and Ranveer Singh are brilliant) romantic drama set in the 1950s and tells the story of an accidental, impossible love and its subsequent betrayal, to its ultimate redemption. Despite the sad ending, the tale moves from bitterness and despair into hope. Tragedy is transformed into triumph when Varun strains beyond his past in an unselfish act of love that costs him his life.

This is how the story goes. Boy meets girl. They fall in love but boy disappears, leaving girl standing at the altar. The double whammy is boy also cheated and stole from girl's father, leaving the family in reduced circumstances. Girl's father dies, a broken man, and girl is left alone, a sick, dying and embittered recluse. Their paths cross when boy is wounded running away from the police and seeks refuge in girl's bungalow.

Pakhi is still furious with Varun but does not turn him over to the police. It turns out that Varun did truly love Pakhi but ended up choosing his former life of crime because he felt he was unable to shake off his past to begin life anew.

Pakhi becomes very ill and is convinced that when the last tree sheds its last leaf in the wintry cold, she will die. Knowing this, Varun climbs the tree to tie a leaf he has fashioned onto a branch so that Pakhi will cling on to life. He does this repeatedly as he nurses her back to health over several days.

The police eventually suspect his whereabouts but instead of escaping, Varun stubbornly ties the last leaf one final morning, then slowly walks toward the waiting police and certain death. Pakhi awakes feeling better, and is left with the truth of Varun's actions.

What appeals to me in this love story is the conflicted courtship and the fractured relationship between Pakhi and Varun. Love is never an easy or straightforward course. There are no simplistic happily-ever-afters as it is usually portrayed in the movies.

Couples hurt each other. They make monumentally stupid choices. They destroy the very thing they seek at times. And there is no turning back the clock. And yet, there is this thing called redemption when love moves out of fear, hurt, despair, self-serving gratuity and social constricts into actions that sing of quiet sacrifice with no expectation of return. Pure, self-giving unconditional love.

The paradox of such sacrificial love is that it frees us to be who we are. In staying back, Varun made the most liberating decision of his life. Even though he will die for it, the price was paid willingly for it not only brought healing into Pakhi's life, but he finally became the man he wanted to be when he was with her - a better man.

In 1 Peter, chapter 1, verses 22-23, the saint writes:

By obedience to the truth you have purified yourselves for a genuine love of your brothers; therefore, love one another constantly from the heart. Your rebirth has come, not from a destructible but from an indestructible seed, through the living and enduring word of God. 

When love comes from the heart, it mirrors the love God has for us and therefore acquires a hint of transcendent immortality, enduring through time like a great masterpiece.

In O. Henry's short story, the last leaf is painted by an elderly artist to give hope to his young neighbour who is ill and convinced she will die when the last leaf falls. She recovers for she does not give up (as the last leaf does not fall), but he falls sick and dies after painting the last leaf on the wall, catching pneumonia himself. The artist who did not acquire any success in his lifetime, painted something priceless for he inspired hope and life.

My life may not be as dramatic as the movies or novels, but I can strive to love as genuinely as Varun and the artist Behrman did. And when I am dispirited or feel that my efforts are futile, my hope lies in the wisdom and love of my living God who is indestructible.

Of mice and monkeys

Last weekend I was invited to TR's home for steamboat and it was great CNY fun. MP upped the conviviality factor by doubling up as the lohei mui (the lass who preps the yusheng salad for all), expertly reading from her Blackberry, and the jiu mei (alcohol maid) dispensing the wine freely.

TR put on a spread of the freshest seafood, vegetables and condiments to satisfy even the pickiest palate. The dessert spread included fruit, ice cream and a gorgeous red velvet cake baked by M.

Apart from the excellent eats, TR provided the entertainment as well. Conversant with the Chinese zodiac, she answered questions on the different animals and their traits, going round the dinner table.

As TR touched on the character strengths and flaws of each animal and its compatibility with other animals, the common thread we each found was that most of our families are composed of animals who purportedly do not get along.

I smiled inwardly at the wisdom of God. For where else do we learn to be human? Unfortunately, most of us tend to avoid the difficult relationships in our families, and years of baggage make reconciliation all that much harder.

We even find it impossible, to honour the spirit of the reunion dinner and subsequent CNY meals, where everyone sits at one table to "eat rice" companionably and joyously as one family.

When I reflect on the many traditions of the CNY festivities, it is not just about good fortune, prosperity, health, success and abundance in the new year. The Chinese New Year is also a time for gathering, renewing bonds, demonstrating filial piety, and of getting rid of the old and putting on the new - not just the material, but one's aspirations and desires.

It is about harmony, centred mainly on family harmony. It is about respecting your elders, getting along with your siblings and doting on your children. This harmony also extends to the wider circle of friends and acquaintances. Red packets with money are dispensed not just to children and singles, but to thank those who serve you in the year, wishing them well. (This includes and is not restricted to the garbage collectors and the road sweepers.)

Getting back to the dinner conversation, TR shared that her parents took pains to ensure she would not grow into the less desirable characteristics of her zodiac animal. Her parents did what good parents do; mould their children's characters so that they become adults who are giving, respectful, hardworking and humble. TR is all that, so her parents did good. Love you, TR, for all that you are.

As the CNY celebrations finally draw to a close, I give thanks for my family, the whole menagerie, who keep me grounded, and I thank TR for giving me new insight into my relations so that I can understand them a little better, liking and loving them a little more. 

Becoming women of joy

Last Saturday afternoon, the Woman to Woman Ministry organized a talk by Maria Vadia who had been invited by the Archdiocese of Singapore’s Office for Young People, in partnership with ICPE Mission Singapore, to teach at the School of Witness, a nine-week faith formation programme for Catholic youth leaders.

 

The event was such a success in terms of attendee numbers that I asked S, someone I knew, what attracted her to the event? She replied the word joy (the theme had been Becoming Women of Joy).

 

I am not surprised. And yet, at the same time, we should already know how to be joyous. We should be, as Maria put it, be happy Catholics, for joy is our inheritance.

 

It does not mean that we will not experience pain, loss or suffering, but if we are rooted in the reality of Christ's salvific love, then we should experience a deep, abiding joy even in the midst of protracted trials.

 

Maria offered a simple yet winning approach to becoming women of joy (men, this is for you, too) found in 1 Thessalonians 5:18: Give thanks in everything.

 

We should constantly be singing songs of praise and thanksgiving. Even when things seem to go wrong, instead of whining about it, or giving vent to anger and frustration in a negative, destructive way, we should thank God for the situation.

 

She reminded us that: Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Whoever values it shall eat from its fruits from Proverbs 18:21, so we must be careful how we use our tongues. Our words have a spiritual effect therefore strive to always speak words that are life-giving, and do not grieve the Spirit.

 

Maria shared stories of miracles that happened to people she had prayed with, and who then commenced to move in thanksgiving, as she directed:

 

A journalist jailed for writing a story deemed inappropriate was set free inexplicably, much to the joy of his wife who had stopped praying for her husband’s freedom and instead began to give thanks. 

 

A man who chose to attend a seminar Maria was leading despite worrying about his crop was informed that rain had ended the dry spell and his livelihood was protected. At the seminar he had learned to praise God. 

 

A failing paint shop suddenly saw three customers in a day who bought enough paint to pay the rent for that month, and thereafter business continued to pick up. This happened when the owners changed the way they prayed.

 

These "success stories" came about because the parties involved began to emulate Jesus, doing as He did, which brought Lazarus back to life: Then, lifting his eyes, Jesus said: Father, I give thanks to you because you have heard me. John 11:41

 

If we want to be full of joy, Maria emphasized, we must change the way we speak and see life. We must change the way we pray. Give thanks and praise for answered prayer, even before we see the results.

 

Thank the Lord for what He has in store for us. As He tells us in Jeremiah chapter 29, verse 11: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
 

Life may not always be predictable, but if we believe this promise made to Jeremiah, then we will open our mouths and let our tongues move in praise and thanksgiving. We will rejoice always, and thus become women of joy, as Mary and Elizabeth were. 

Revelation and mission

When I think of evangelization, it gives me sweaty palms.  I have never been any good at selling anything. I am not glib of tongue and I cannot think on my feet. Worse, I am also a squeamish cradle Catholic who is reticent about sharing the Gospel. Quite un-missionary-like.

So what Saint Paul, a fiery evangelist, said to the Corinthians (first letter, chapter 2, verses 1-5) is encouraging for he professes to weakness, fear and trembling and admits that he has no persuasive words of wisdom, only words that are a demonstration of the Spirit and power.

Yesterday, Maria Vadia echoed Paul's words as she spoke to those who attended her afternoon sharing at the Church of Saint Francis Xavier.

She first stressed that evangelization is not a programme but a lifestyle. Therefore we must repent, that is make a change in how we live, and step out of our comfort zone. This change involves loving people enough to want to share the Good News.

Loving people is the kicker. How do I love those who are difficult to love? People who are mean, negative and openly hostile, derisive of my every overture. Two words: Holy Spirit.

If, in the desire to bring people to Jesus, I listen closely to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and I am faithful in carrying them out, then I will be able to carry out the mission of evangelization. A mission woven into the spiritual DNA of every Christian, Catholics included.

It is not about having the right skills or qualifications, what Saint Paul calls oratory or philosophy, but the right attitude. If I am docile to the Holy Spirit who lives within me, then I will be given the key to open a person's heart towards receiving Christ.

The revelatory Spirit will guide me, enabling me to breach the unloveable and unwelcome façade to see, and love, the person within.

Maria shared the story of Christine, a woman who shunned all efforts to reach out to her. Christine lived in Genesis House, a home for the homeless with AIDS. She was surly and uncommunicative, and turned her nose up at the food Maria brought on her regular visits.

At her wits' end, Maria implored, God, help me! She received a vision: a MacDonald's double cheeseburger with a large order of fries. When she offered this to Christine, she saw the first smile she had ever seen on Christine's face and consequently, this food offering was the opening Maria had sought hard to share Jesus with Christine and bring her to Christ.

Evangelization is about giving others what we already have. We must therefore have the heart of God, something we can find only in and through Jesus. Hence an intimate, living relationship with Jesus is necessary. And through this relationship, we get acquainted with the Holy Spirit, who allows the power of God to be manifested.

Maria calls the gift of tongues, our personal love language with God. It helps us connect to God in a visceral and mystical way that bypasses our intellect for it is a heart language. In using our heart language, we can become powerful conduits of grace, bringing divine 
insights and supernatural healing to others for we allow the Holy Spirit to do His thing, work His magic.

She encouraged us to claim the gifts of the Spirit, especially that of tongues. When we exercise our spiritual gifts, we co-partner the Holy Spirit so that everywhere we go, opportunities by divine appointment (much like how Philip met the Ethiopian eunuch in the wilderness) abound. We become gifted people (read 1 Corinthians chapter 12), inside and out, personifying love in action.

Maria demonstrated the power of the Holy Spirit by doing what she exhorted us to do and it was amazing to see the many healings and the number of people who received the baptism of the Holy Spirit and the gift of tongues.

Yesterday, I went with an open heart to receive, and I did. I was reminded of how much I was loved, and my prayer on how I was supposed to share the Good News was answered.

Stop thinking or analyzing so much. Stop feeling unworthy, not up to task, for I will never be up to the task. Just say yes and move in the Spirit (that means pray unceasingly), and God will do the rest.

I need only to listen well to receive His revelations and then act on them to carry out God's mission of love to all, as Jesus did.

Prayer and action

My cousin E asked me how I felt after being Covenanted. I replied scared. Petrified, more like. I know full well my flaws and shortcomings, and how unworthy I am to aspire to greatness, and yet, to be a follower of Christ, mediocrity is so not an option.

People who know of my recent commitment have begun to hold me to a higher standard. Not unreasonable. I am holding me to a higher standard. So when I fall, it can be a little more painful.

Therefore I must remember that God does not require perfection. I will stumble and make mistakes every day, but as long as I remain humble and contrite, open to correction and change, I am good.

This ability to remain humble can only come from, no surprises, prayer as a discipline. I came across this meditation by Pope Benedict XVI from Saint Luke Productions and it holds within it the seeds of what I must do each day to help me steer True North.

THE PROCESS OF SPIRITUAL GROWTH
It is important for the process of spiritual growth that you don't just pray and study your faith at times when it happens to cross your mind, when it suits you, but that you observe some discipline. 

I should say, never begin with thinking alone, for if you try to pull God toward you in the laboratory of rational thought, and to attach him to you in what is to some extent a purely theoretical fashion, you find you can't do it. 

You always have to combine the questions with action. Pascal once said to an unbelieving friend: start by doing what believers do even if it still makes no sense to you. 

You can never look for faith in isolation, it is only found in an encounter with people who believe, who can understand you, who have perhaps come by way of a similar situation themselves; who can, in some way, lead you and help you. It is always among us that faith grows. Anyone who wants to go it alone has thus got it wrong from the very start. 

It is easy to get complacent, sloppy, to slip into thinking I know it all and I am in control, that I do not need others - the almighty I. That frame of mind is a hop, skip and jump away from becoming inward looking and self-preserving. Better people than I have fallen so why should I be excluded?

The spiritual realm may be invisible but it is extremely alive and palpable in the actions of people. Whether I am motivated by God or something lesser, is a fine line both you and I tread, in every decision we make.

It is that serious a battle between choosing what is truly best for the other or what are self-serving desires dressed up as good Christian values; for the greater good or for my greater good. I do not pretend to always choose the former.

Perhaps today's Gospel from Mark (4:26-34) says it best:

“This is how it is with the Kingdom of God;
it is as if a man were to scatter seed on the land
and would sleep and rise night and day
and the seed would sprout and grow,
he knows not how.
Of its own accord the land yields fruit,"

We must bow to the majestic mystery of God, even as we work as His sowers. And if we ourselves are sown in, and nourished by the soil of His Word and presence constantly, then even if we are a tiny mustard seed, we can aspire to become a plant that gives shade to birds in our large, leafy branches.

A good thought to hold onto as I celebrate the first day of the Lunar New Year today.

Giving advice

P sent me a link* to an article on what advice a collection of CNN staffers in their 50s would give to their 30-year-old selves. The article was triggered by Michelle Obama turning 50.

I had to agree when I read what Carol Costello said about how recognizing women turning 50 was a tad sexist. Why is it the dreaded 50 or the abhorred 40? Why is reaching a new decade such a fêted yet traumatic experience for a woman?

Worse, if you still look good, everybody oohs and aahs as if it were a minor miracle. Again, what truly matters is how you look inside and how comfortable you are in your own skin (if you aren't by now, something is seriously wrong and should be addressed, pronto).

Yes, birthdays are milestones and great for taking stock of life, but a number does not dictate how one should behave, or signify that life, as you know it, is over. That seems to be the case for women, sadly, especially if they are single.

From some of the comments I am getting now, one would think I will soon be up for a root canal. While getting older has its minuses, I hate the loss of memory, the reduced energy and the inflexible, groaning muscles, I would not want to be 30 again.

When I think back to what I was like at 30, I had no idea where I was headed; I was stuck in a dead end job and completely dissatisfied with life - pretty much a walking disaster. I could certainly have done with some good advice. So this is what I would say to the 30-year-old me.

The perfect man you are looking for is right before your eyes: Jesus. He is the only man you can trust completely for He loves you totally, faithfully and unconditionally. Look to Him. Forget the rest. He's the keeper.

Follow your heart and dare to dream big. You only live once, there are no dress rehearsals in life so, go for it. Don't let your fears and insecurities stop you. God has great plans for you, but it's up to you to make them happen.

Your faith is the most beautiful and valuable thing your forefathers have bestowed on you. Treasure it and live it out fully. And when you stumble, don't be afraid to turn back immediately, God is the God of second chances. He has already forgiven you your sins, so forgive yourself, repent and return. Don't waste time wallowing in guilt or regret. He's already waiting, with open arms.

* For a good read: http://edition.cnn.com/2014/01/17/living/advice-at-50/

Gift

I took the plunge yesterday! I became a Companion of the Institute of World Evangelisation ICPE Mission. When I saw my SD on the eve, he asked me what did it mean for me and what would I bring to the community. I shared with him that my gift to God and the community was purity of heart, symbolized by the tuberose.

This beatitude holds special significance for me for I lost purity of heart, the innocence I had as a young child for many years. I sought for it desperately and when I found it again in my late 30s, it was as if I was given the gift to see the world in Technicolor again, after having been condemned to a world without colour for decades.

I could finally see God, face to face. Purity of heart means I stand before God as I am, vulnerable and unadorned, with "humble, contrite heart". What Blessed John Paul II calls original nakedness, the ability to be in such close relationship with the Father that there is no fear or shame, like Adam and Eve were before The Fall.

If I am able to see, and hear God, then I can speak of His goodness and truth with authority and love. I can be a true witness not just in what I say, but in how I live with my life - with moral integrity.

I chose the tuberose to represent purity of heart for I see God in flowers (if you follow my blog you will have realized that). The tuberose also holds special meaning for me. It is a white, gorgeous scented, night blooming flower that is evocative of Hawaii for it is in many of the flower leis there. It connotes, for me, the spirit of aloha, hospitality, love, celebration, and graduation.

The tuberose also has healing powers, being anti-spasmodic and anti-inflammatory, and the Balinese call it sedap malam, delicious night. I want my life to be like the tuberose's: a fragrant, healing offering that is pleasing to the senses, bringing much pleasure and joy.

My SD was even more poetic for he said that I should be like an alluring fragrance to those who live in darkness and cannot see, leading them to God by appealing to other senses. Nice one, Father A!

So how will my life change now that I have reaffirmed my fundamental option for God? Again my SD said it best, in taking my Covenant, I am saying yes to seeing myself as God sees me, so I can go on successfully to be the light of the nations, bringing His salvation to the ends of the earth (yesterday's first reading from Isaiah was freakily appropriate).

I may be doing the exact same thing I was doing last week in terms of work and play, but because of my renewed focus and effort to know Christ and make Christ known, I need to rely more on the Almighty to guide my every thought, word and action.

And, of course, I have a new community of brothers and sisters to love and support me as I exercise my holy, prophetic and royal muscle more powerfully in the world.

Understanding Covenant

I have had quite interesting and varied responses from people with whom I have shared the news of my imminent Covenant. While a few were genuinely happy for me, most kept their thoughts to themselves, not quite sure what to make of it. Others were more forthcoming, and not exactly approving.

B told me I can't be happy for you, while L was dead set against it. E gave me one of her looks which spoke volumes. I am sure some think I am crazy, and we are talking baptized Catholics here. It is not as if I will, overnight, become a Bible-thumping, finger-pointing zealot who judges and condemns everyone. Far from it, if I were to model Christ even more closely - and that, indeed is the plan.

As I told B, my Covenant is an endeavour to walk a committed path toward holiness, and in so doing, I can only hope that the Spirit will lead me, gifting me with so much wisdom, humility and joy that I will bring healing, unity and laughter into the lives of people I know and love, near and far.

The prophecy from Isaiah, chapter 42, which Christ fulfilled to the letter is one that I, and all baptized Christians who are serious about practising their faith try their hand at:

I formed you, and set you
as a covenant of the people,
a light for the nations,
to open the eyes of the blind,
to bring out prisoners from confinement,
and from the dungeon, those who live in darkness.

This is what it means to live out my baptismal office (of priest, prophet and king) in fullness. As Father Arro shared today, to be priest means worshipping God by honouring Him in prayer and singing songs that speak of love, hope, peace, joy, truth, beauty and goodness.

To be a prophet is to own a living relationship with Him and share it with others both as tribute and inspiration, drawing my own strength from contemplating the Book of Life, the Bible, frequently.

And to be king would mean working tirelessly to build a kingdom without boundaries, fear or hate, because as Saint Peter told Cornelius, Jesus is the Lord of all, for God has no favourites and that anybody, of any nationality, is acceptable as long as he fears God and does what is right.

Following so closely in Christ's footsteps is not something the world understands, a world that is filled with people who either mistrust or do not acknowledge the existence of God. They fear religious ardour and passion, mistaking it for Pharasaic fundamentalism.

I don't expect people, especially family and friends, to understand my choices, but I do hope that eventually they will come to realize that my love for the Lord is a wonderful thing and that in some way, they experience His goodness through me, and their lives are somehow, indefinably, transformed for the better.

Companionate goodness

For some reason it felt like my birthday last Friday for I received many gifts, some material, some spiritual, that made my day. God is indeed good all the time.

It actually began with New Year's Day morning mass celebrating the feast of Mary, Mother of God, followed later on in the afternoon by the combined ordination mass of Jude David and Terence Kesavan.

T'was good to share in the joy and rejoice at how God had led these two young men into a deeper covenant with Him. Listening to both of them speak reminded me of my own journey, and my upcoming Covenant in two weeks' time.

I will be joining the Institute for World Evangelisation - ICPE Mission as a Companion on January 19. What this means is I will be making a serious commitment, a Covenant, to grow in, and share my faith, in solidarity with a community of like-minded brothers and sisters.

As a Companion, I will not live in a residential community and I remain where and as I am, with one exception, I fully embrace the spirituality of ICPE Mission and their passion to evangelize with apostolic zeal. I also undertake to prize and nurture my relationship with every community member, viewing them as beloved and unique individuals.

Pope Francis wrote:

An authentic faith – which is never comfortable or completely personal – always involves a deep desire to change the world, to transmit values, to leave this earth somehow better that we found it.  Evangelii Gaudium, 183

I believe that as an ICPE Mission Companion, I will be better able to live out my faith more authentically. To misquote an old African proverb, it takes a village to change the world. I need my village people to help me grow as a person and to crystallize my gifts more fully so that together, we will change the world as different parts of one Body.

Staying close to the source, the Word of God, the Spirit of God, through prayer and contemplation is vital to keep faith vibrant, fresh, creative and true. This will always be a challenge and I therefore look to the strength of united but diverse numbers to keep me inspired and disciplined.

While I am excited and eager, there is apprehension, even fear. The covenant is, first and foremost, a covenant with God; to say to Him, Lord, I am a woman of unclean lips, but here am I, send me! I am your instrument, your willing disciple.

Am I up to the task? Of course!!! As long as I remain seated at His feet, and keep my gaze on Him. And when the going gets tough, I just need to remember, His grace is abundantly sufficient.

Being a member of ICPE Mission makes me a lay missionary. I am a little shy to call myself that for I always find labels suspect. Plus, this one will probably be extremely hard to live up to, but, right down to the core of my soul, I feel that, as Pope Francis put it:

...to believe in and to follow him is not only something right and true, but also something beautiful, capable of filling life with new splendour and profound joy, even in the midst of difficulties.  Evangelii Gaudium, 167

If that is my belief, then I must proclaim Christ, in all I see, hear and do, with immense joy and gentle persistence. Only then will His birth, life, death and resurrection mean anything and bring epiphanous relevance to this world. 

A love-ly year ahead

It is the last day of 2013. There is always something a little poignant to endings even though they usually herald new beginnings. In a way, I like that we celebrate Christmas, the birth of Christ, at the end of the year for it symbolizes for me the continuity of hope and joy into the new year.

Despite it being wintry cold in the Northern Hemisphere, the Nativity is the beacon of light in the darkness, bringing life, warmth and good cheer. It is the reminder that amidst tragedy, violence and loss, a baby was born in humble circumstances to become the one who will save the world. Goodness will triumph over evil. Peace, and joy, will prevail.

As with any superhero, life is never smooth sailing. There is even danger. Shortly after his birth, Jesus and his parents have to flee to Egypt and live in exile.

The Nativity story is one of privation, hardship and yawning uncertainty. It speaks of great trials for Mary and Joseph, from the time she said yes to carrying the Son of Man in her womb, and he said yes to protecting a pregnant woman and the life of a particular foetus.

This is what inspires me, these two remarkable people who were the parents of Jesus. Mary, a gutsy young woman who accepts the unusual gift of her son at incredible risk of shame and death.

Joseph, a man who undertakes to care for his affianced, and later her child, although he is under no obligation to do so. His deep and resilient faith his only guiding force in what seemed like a betrayal of the highest order.

Their faith and fidelity to God speaks of their great love for God. To go beyond the human inclination to give up, walk away in anger and disgust, choose the easier option or simply say no to definite heartache was possible only because they recognized and subscribed to what real love is.

Real love seeks the good of the other, even to the point of sacrifice that seems foolish to the rest of the world. True love is enduring and does not rely on emotion or reciprocity to keep on being loyal, affirming and life-giving. Pure love keeps forgiving and giving, beyond duty, sense, or even justice.

Joseph and Mary understood that and lived it out. Is it any wonder that their son, Jesus, grew up to be the man He was? His parents did real good by their fully human, fully divine son.

While I do not have children, I can still aspire to be as loving as they were. And I am ever hopeful because good people like Joseph and Mary do exist, as they did all those years ago.

May Jesus, Mary and Joseph carry you into the new year and bring you the hope and joy of the Nativity. Happy New Year.

 

God is with us

As the last candle was lit on the Advent wreath last Sunday, I felt deep sadness. I carried the hearts of all the people I recently met in my heart, their suffering and pain, and it felt heavy.

For I cannot change things, make their lives better... yet. For now, I can only remember them, and pray for them. Like them, I can only wait for the light of Emmanuel to come, and in the words of the Benedictus or Song of Zachariah, to "illuminate those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to direct our feet in the way of peace.”

This melancholic state represents my current mood. Some of it comes from the typical end of year reflection: What have I accomplished in this year that just sped by? All I feel is tired. I have rushed around doing a million things, without really accomplishing much. I have wasted precious time on mindless activity without giving more time to the Lord, as I so desired.

The other part of this emptiness comes from having to wait. My impatient soul demands instant gratification. Yet, Advent demands that I prepare my heart for the birth of Christ in a particular way. As Father Ron Rolheiser wrote in early December:

Advent is a gestation process that cannot be rushed. Tears, pain, and a long season of prayer are needed to create the conditions for the kind of pregnancy that brings forth a messiah into our world. Why? Because the real love and life can only be born when a long-suffering patience has created the correct space, the virginal womb, within which the sublime can be born. 

He goes on to add: Messiahs can only be born inside a particular kind of womb, namely, one within which there's enough patience and willingness to wait so as to let things happen on God's terms, not ours.  

I allowed God to lead my heart this Advent and He took me to the Philippines and showed me poverty, despair and injustice. He also showed me abundance, hope and love. One of the questions we reflected on at the close of reverse carolling was how does this experience of reverse carolling fit into my life back home?

This trip was made not to salve my conscience, boost my ego or help me become a more interesting conversationalist, rather, it was a personal invitation to participate in Advent in a more intimate manner, to wait and see how the Christ child will be born in my life in a new, unprecedented way.

I strongly felt that I was asked to be the voice of those without one. To remind others of those who were marginalized and easily forgotten. To make a difference by not remaining indifferent. To make my tears count.

As Father Rolheiser concludes:

Hence, ideally, every tear should bring the messiah closer. This isn't an unfathomable mystery: Every frustration should, ideally, make us more ready to love. Every tear should, ideally, make us more ready to forgive. Every heartache should, ideally, make us more ready to let go of some of our separateness. Every unfulfilled longing should, ideally, lead us into a deeper and more sincere prayer. And all of our pained impatience for a consummation that seems to forever elude us should, ideally, makes us feverish enough to burst into love's flame.

We commemorate the birth of Jesus this coming evening, an event that is the icon of pure, selfless love. It is right and just to give pause and simply adore Him.

Missionary heart

I finally have time to reflect a little on my year, and what has been apparent is that I have been schooled these months in what it means to have a missionary heart.

I have always thought of missionaries as an intrepid, rare breed of people who went to distant places and suffered much hardship to bring about the salvation of people. Certainly not someone like me - full of faults and fears, not verbally articulate, nor socially adept.

However, this year has given me fresh insight: if one has the heart to share the joy of intimately knowing Christ, and one lives and moves according to where the Spirit leads, then it is possible to be missionary, wherever one is. This is what I've learnt.

JESUS FIRST & ALWAYS

If one must have tunnel vision, then let the focus be on Jesus, for only He is perfect in wisdom, knowledge and love, and thus steers with unerring precision. He alone leads me to be in union with God, who is the source and destiny of my being. 

Listening well and listening frequently to Him is necessary. Whether it was preparing for my exams or being on vacation, when I took the time to pray and thank the Lord for every moment of joy, frustration, despair or anger, He would gift me with insight, hope or strength, encouraging and affirming me.  

As an imperfect and broken vessel, my power to move mountains is largely non-existent. But when I deny my self, my prejudice and my pride, and I follow His lead, mountains become speed bumps that merely slow me down. 

I have recently begun to pray the Jesus Prayer* as well as a mantra taken from John 3:30 - Increase in me that I may decrease. These two are my bite-sized prayers on the go. Try them, they really work.

JOURNEYING WELL

I got to travel to many places this year. Interestingly enough, none were my choice of destination, save one, and that was my recent trip. One thing stuck out whether I was abroad or at home, that life is an on-going flow of events filled with constant change and uncertainty, and I could choose to meet and respond to God in the flow only if I recognized that each moment was pregnant with potential grace.

The funny thing about these grace-filled moments is you need to respond in a life-giving manner in order to experience its full effect. In other words, I had to walk the talk of my faith authentically, at times against my own inclinations, and in so doing, I then allowed ordinary circumstances to be transformed into burning bush encounters.

What surprised me, especially on vacation, were the many opportunities to speak a word of life-giving truth, facilitate healing in some way, or demonstrate God's love through compassion and forbearance. I realized there is no time off from doing good works.

As Pope Paul VI put it, we are called to be saints of daily life. Every day we are called to holiness and the mission of bearing good fruit. Every day the journey takes a turn that can lead us either closer or farther away from Him and His precepts.

To journey well requires being ready at all times, like a wise bridesmaid, or vigilant servant. With an open heart and attentive ear, ready to do the Lord's bidding, to say: Speak, Lord, your servant is listening (1 Samuel 3:10).

JOY ABOUNDING

No matter how disastrous a situation, no matter how badly we fail in life, no matter how life knocks us down, the one truth holds: Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35), for His love and grace are sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

He was, is and will always be Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). His love is unconditional, infinite, abundant, and most of all, gentle - a gift for everyone, for all eternity.

In accepting such an undeserved gift of pure love, I cannot help but feel joy, the joy of the Good News, the Gospel, that evil can never triumph. For Jesus came and He conquered sin and death out of love for you and me.

So as Christians, we are called to experience and express joy even in adversity, for we can see the bigger picture, the infinite glory of salvation history. And we are called to weave our own stories into this rich tapestry of faith, to sing in unison the chorus of joy as we welcome our Saviour into our hearts daily.

As Pope Francis wrote in Evangelii Gaudium, our lives must not be Lent without Easter. He shared a powerful quote from Pope Benedict XVI:

Being a Christian is not the result of an ethical choice or a lofty idea, but the encounter with an event, a person, which gives life a new horizon and a decisive direction.

Pope Francis goes on to elucidate it is in this encounter with God’s love, which blossoms into an enriching friendship, and we are liberated from our narrowness and self-absorption. We become fully human when we become more than human, when we let God bring us beyond ourselves in order to attain the fullest truth of our being. Here we find the source and inspiration of all our efforts at evangelization. For if we have received the love which restores meaning to our lives, how can we fail to share that love with others?  Evangelii Gaudium, 8

I began this year wanting to bring light to others. I am not sure how much I have succeeded given my natural disposition. However, if I do as Esther suggested during reverse carolling, to model Mother Mary in bringing the Christ child to others, then, like Mary, I may not know what the future portends, but as long as I agree to bear Baby Jesus within me, that is all that is needed for His glory to shine forth and bring joy into others' hearts. 

NB: For this entry, I draw content from Anna Capello's talk on ICPE missionary communities: an expression of lay spirituality.

* http://catholicism.about.com/od/prayers/qt/Jesus_Prayer.htm