Reverse carolling impressions

I. TOUCHED IN BAGONG SILANG, December 7
I first noticed her as the attentive and still figure who eyes were trained on us as we sang, conversed and prayed with families in Bagong Silang, a slew of tiny zinc-roofed wooden "houses" that hugged the steep mountain side.

Then her face appeared again, and again as we went from home to home. We locked eyes, exchanged smiles from time to time, and finally at our last three homes, we made contact.

From behind, I gently cupped her face and turned her head from side to side in play. She immediately melted and clung to my side, refusing to let go of my arm. When we prayed and I had to let go of her hand, she would lean into my side, maintaining body contact as she prayed along with us. I fell in love then as I held her tiny, cold hand in mine again.

Here was a kindred spirit, a child who shared my love language of touch. I savoured this brief moment of pure, innocent trust. How did I get so lucky to deserve this unexpected expression of love?

During a moment of reflection later on, I felt that Jesus was assuring me that He loved me dearly and unconditionally through Riza. Even though I felt unloveable and unworthy of being loved (this always happens when I am thrust into a group of people I do not know very well and my old insecurities rear their heads), He thought otherwise.

Riza continued to follow us up the hillside to our van. She became my little assistant when I was trying to teach a child how to say thank you for the lollipop I gave him. She demanded that he say thank you in Tagalog, which he quickly did.

When it came time to leave, I sought her out and planted a kiss on her forehead. It was a benediction for her that immediately bounced back onto me. Jesus was telling her she was precious and loved, just as He was telling me the same thing.

It was a moment of pure grace. I encountered Christ in Riza, and she, in me.

II. BOHOL RETROSPECTIVE, December 12
P said something doing a debriefing in Bohol, that God was unfair for there was such a huge disparity between the poor and the rich. My immediate reaction was that it wasn't God who was unfair, but rather people who were greedy, and therefore unfair.

God created the world with enough to go around for everyone. However, humanity with a view to acquiring personal wealth, fight wars to gain territories in order to attain power, assets and monetary wealth. It is avarice that has caused this imbalance in the world, where the majority of the world goes without that a few may live in the lap of luxury.

I am back in Tagaytay for a day having spent three days in Bohol. In collaboration with the Bohol Chamber of Commerce*, we visited some 100 homes to sing and pray with the families and leave them with food hampers. We also threw a Christmas party for over 200 children in a school in Buenavista.

It is disconcerting and depressing to come face to face with such poverty and hardship. People who live in tiny, dark, nipa palm-roofed shacks, dressed in hand-me-down clothes, with not enough to eat.

Suffering is written in every line of their prematurely aged, tanned features, their eyes are dead and lifeless, blank expressions pasted on their visages. They are a people in darkest despair.

Some of the homes we visited in Batuan are so remote that the people we met seem socially maladjusted. They are unable to express any emotion and the children stare back, slack-jawed, with no reaction to friendly overtures. This, for me, was the saddest, for a smile has been a universal response to my own, until now. They were like zombies.

The incongruity of the beauty of the padi fields and the backbreaking work they represent to the farmers (who have no time to appreciate the beauty of their surroundings) hit me hard.

Worse, they do not reap the entire harvest for all their efforts, only a third which is barely sufficient. Two-thirds go to the landowners who don't even know their property exists except during harvest time.

When asked what they wish to pray for, the families we visited sought for enough food to eat and did not even desire riches. Mostly they asked for good health as well for sickness is a curse in such abject poverty.

Although we did not visit those who were directly affected by the quake in Bohol, we visited the very poor, some affected by the typhoon, and those who were living in such remote, difficult-to-access places that they had no contact with outsiders and received little assistance.

The CHARIS**-sponsored water filters, and the mosquito nets we gave out were received with such gratitude that I was ashamed of how much I took for granted potable water, electricity and decent plumbing.

These families I encountered during the two days of reverse carolling in Bohol shout to me in their despondence. What Jitka said during our orientation rang deafeningly, that the biggest sin against the poor was indifference.

As I made ready to leave her home after we sang the finale, Artemia said to me in Visayan, remember me, as she held my hand. Although I felt our efforts were ineffectual and too piecemeal a gesture to make a significant difference, I can remember and honour those I met by fulfilling my wants less and channelling more of my income towards alleviating the plight of the forgotten and the less fortunate.

Perhaps, then, the balance will shift in favour of people like Artemia who deserve much more than this meagre and grim existence and life will not seem so unfair.

* We were aided by Reyna Deloso and her amazing team of colleagues who showed us their caring hearts for their Boholano brethren, and we also met some lovely community leaders in the barangays we visited.

** CHARIS stands for Caritas Humanitarian Aid & Relief Initiatives, Singapore and is the umbrella body for overseas humanitarian aid by the Archdiocese of Singapore.

III. MONTALBAN NIGHTMARE, December 14
From the beauty of Tagaytay and Bohol, we entered the hell of the dumpsite in Montalban. As the mountains of trash formed a wasteland of post-Apocalyptic desolation, the stench assailed our nostrils, making my stomach turn.

Families lived in cramped rows of wooden huts on the fringe of the dumpsite. The ground was littered in waste and muck, flies covered anything remotely looking like food to them.

It is unthinkable and an outrage to think that people should call this severely polluted environment home. Young children ran around with huge sores and scars on their skinny limbs. Adults were emaciated and wizened, their eyes dulled in perpetual misery.

What broke my heart was when a young woman asked me if I would buy her toddler son whom she
clearly loved. She lived in equal parts of hope and anguish that I would say yes.

We threw a party for the children in the barangay, and Ate Noralyn persuaded two raggedy boys (one with a bulbous eye) who were scavenging for plastic to enter by grabbing their bags of trash into the hall. They could not have been more than 10 years old.

The activities did not interest them for they no longer knew how to play and soon, they snuck out. As Joan commented later in our debrief, they may be beaten by their parents if they did not bring home their usual quota of discarded plastic so they did not have time to loiter.

There were so many stories of tragedy as these families shared their lives with us, and yet, there are also stories of beauty and hope.

The women in the Balikatan Ministry who have been journeying for some years with Esther, Jitka and Joan (more recently with Gemma as well), ICPE Mission Philippines missionaries, were a joy to behold. These are women who live in Montalban and some of them work also as scavengers.

They were committed to reverse carolling and touching the lives of their neighbours in ways their own lives had been touched. To share the good news of the Christ child with others. Working together, they displayed a bond of sisterhood and demonstrated that despite the difficulties of life, they could still laugh and have fun. They exemplified Isaiah 9:2: The people walking in darkness have seen a great light.

CONCLUSION
There is still much for me to process as I end reverse carolling this year.

However, one thing stands out, I cannot go back to my old life. I can and must do much more to help the poor and I invite those of you who read this to do the same.

Thus, the world we live in can become as beautiful as it was created to be.

Reverse carolling epiphanies

I am currently in Tagaytay, Philippines for reverse carolling with ICPE Mission Philippines. We spent the first day preparing ourselves spiritually before we began our outreach efforts proper and I had many little epiphanies that day.

I first understood more fully what the Pope meant when he said that the Church was not an NGO, for our efforts to serve the poor need to involve our spirituality, chiefly our belief in Christ.

It is because of our faith in Christ that we love and help "the least of our brethren". But much more than that, we are called to proclaim the Word "with simplicity" a simplicity that gives way to the power of the Word of God. And thus we can proclaim the Gospel as grace.

This good news, as Pope Francis pointed out in his hot-off-the-press Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii Gaudium, is too good to be kept to ourselves:

Those who accept his offer of salvation are set free from sin, sorrow, inner emptiness and loneliness.

It is indeed awesome news and our responsibility to share this message of joy that was brought to fulfilment in the person of Jesus Christ is meant for everyone.

The second thing I understood more wholly was the Church's social teaching of preferential treatment for the poor. Why are we exhorted to love the poor?

Again it is to follow in the footsteps of Christ, who not only claimed the prophecy from Isaiah, but then went on to do just that: He brought good news to the poor, healed the contrite of heart, released the captive, restored sight to the blind and set the downtrodden free.

Plus, Jesus Himself chose to be born in humble circumstances. To have for a crib a manger, a trough used to feed animals; to have to flee, like a refugee, to Egypt to avoid persecution; to be brought up as a carpenter's son; his deliberate self-abasing choices showed His preferential love for and identification with the poor.

Therefore when we reach out to the poor, we are, in essence, encountering Christ Himself in them. So whatever kind deed we perform for them is not equal to the blessing we, in turn, receive in our encounter with our Servant King.

We may think that we are giving much, but if we truly see the situation for what it is, we are receiving so much more in return.

The final insight I received in our preparation is how prayer must be the foundation of all our efforts. It is only with prayer that we can truly empty ourselves of self, and be filled with Christ's Spirit so that whoever we meet will indeed experience Christ through us.

It is also only with prayer that we can ensure we work through our different emotions to know that it does not matter how we feel, especially feelings of anger, frustration and helplessness. Everything is in God's hands, we are but His willing instruments. We can but do our best and leave the multiplication of loaves to Him.

Today we gave out 30 Christmas hampers to homes in Bagong Silang. We were in Magallanes yesterday where we also gave out 36 hampers and threw a party for 80 children.

While the poverty is appalling for the hovels that passed for homes are cramped, dark and bare, yet I can only marvel at how the human spirit is unquenchable. Signs of hope can be found in the attempts to beautify their homes, in the home-made Christmas decorations, the pride they take in their appearance, and most of all, in the smiles of the children.

 

I pray that the joy and pleasure I found in the smiles of those I met echo somehow in their hearts. 

Humble leanings

As one strives to "be good", the hardest virtues to acquire are humility and constancy or perseverance. Being judgemental is a ridiculously effortless raising of an eyebrow or a barely discernible sniff.

I find myself having to contend with the constant flow of inner talk that nitpicks and condemns the range of behaviour that falls short of my Christian gold standard, of what I deem acceptable.

What a Scrooge, why is he not giving more to the poor when he is rolling in it? Such selfish behaviour! How can anyone be so cluelessly inconsiderate and rude? Calls that Christian behaviour? It goes on, ad nauseam, if I let it.

What gives me the right to a holier than thou attitude when the good I am doing is just me doing what I ought to, as a decent human being who knows better. There's nothing special or extraordinary, nothing that deserves accolades. It is just so easy to act superior and forget the plank in my own eye.

In a recent homily, Pope Francis warned that Christians who lose the faith and prefer ideology become rigid, moralists, ethicists, but without goodness.

The reason for this is, he said simply one thing: that Christian does not pray. And if there is no prayer, you will always close the door.

It is easy to close the door to faith and fall into the ideology of religion. To think one has all the answers to life and to discard everything else as unworthy of consideration. Ideological Christians, Pope Francis elaborates, are people who have become proud, sure of themselves and lacking humility.

Pope Francis goes on to reminds us: In ideology there is no Jesus: his tenderness, love, meekness. And ideologies are always rigid.

It is ideologists who alienate people and create dissension, disunity; at times to the point of choosing violence as their voice against perceived wrong.

At our last Woman to Woman Ministry meeting of the year, we reflected on what would be an appropriate Advent offering. I decided to place my pride at the foot of the empty manger for it is at the root of my judgemental ways. My desire is to grow in humility and make that my gift to the Christ child come December 25.

The secret is, as the Pope pointed out, the distinction of prayer. Much can be accomplished if we keep praying and there is no better time for a renewed effort than Advent, the season of preparation before Christmas.

And for those of us who are too hung up on results or personal achievement, Blessed Mother Teresa said it best:

Be humble

and you will

never be disturbed.

It is very difficult

in practice

because we all want to see

the result of our work.

Leave it to Jesus.

Immersed in this world

By now, everyone on the planet knows how Typhoon Haiyan (aka Yolanda in the Philippines) wreaked catastrophic destruction when it made landfall November 7, affecting multiple cities in the Philippines, with thousands dead and many more missing or displaced. Other countries affected were Micronesia, Palau, Taiwan, China and Vietnam, but nowhere near the level of damage suffered by Tacloban City in the Philippines.

As unscathed onlookers, our response is not only a measure of our humanity, but an indictment of our faith. If we have a strong and lively faith, then we will gather our resources and reach out to our brothers and sisters who were affected with support and comfort, to help them rebuild their lives and make it even better than it was before.

 

In a show of solidarity, nations have all swung into action, galvanizing forces to bring aid to the disaster-struck areas. We thus have ample opportunity to join in these national and communal  efforts by participating in whatever way we can. More so if we are believers or followers of Christ. We must do as He did, bringing comfort to those who most need it. In fact, to play the Good Samaritan is a call that each one of us has within our hearts.

 

Blessed John Paul II said:

 

We live in history, side by side with our peers, sharing their worries and hope. We cannot escape into another dimension, ignoring the tragedies of our era, closing our eyes and hearts to the anguish that pervades life. On the contrary we are immersed in this world every day, ready to hasten to wherever there is a brother or sister In need of help, a tear to be dried, a request for help to be answered.

 

While I'd like to think that I do my part in proclaiming "the good news to the poor", it is at times like these that I am reminded I can always do more. I am glad I overcame my initial reticence to go reverse carolling* next month in the Philippines for I have been travelling quite a bit this year and another trip did not seem a prudent choice in any way.  

 

As it turns out, this round of reverse carolling will involve us visiting not just homes in Montalban and Tagaytay, but in Bohol where an October earthquake and the recent super typhoon have spelt disaster for inhabitants.

 

Although I look forward to reaching out to those whose homes were destroyed, charitable efforts should not restricted to what one reads in the headlines but should be a continual crusade to help end poverty, hunger and injustice. The cries of our brothers and sisters, at home and abroad, should not be ignored.

 

Hear and respond. Every day.

* Reverse carolling is an outreach to visit homes of disadvantaged families to bring some Christmas cheer into their lives by connecting with family members, singing carols to them and leaving them with a Christmas hamper filled with food to ensure they have something festive to eat over the Nativity season.

Read more about the preparations on: https://plus.google.com/112131744968067307130/posts.

The blessed single life

I am generally quite happy being a singleton. I don't feel like that it is an "unfortunate conscription" where I am only "looking in at life from the outside". However, a conversation with T this week made me feel like I was missing out big time if I chose to remain single and celibate. Rather, I should be actively looking to find me a man, and having fun while doing it.

Mine seemed like a weird, unnatural choice and I was odd in choosing this route especially since I am not working towards a religious vocation. Have I given up on marriage out of fear? Should I be putting myself out there? I hate feeling this way and yet, I know it is a choice that is not really understood by many (there are times it is incomprehensible to me, too) so I should not let it faze me.

It was, therefore, a boost to my flagging confidence to read Father Ron Rolheiser's The Single Life*. I could say that I was fully and joyfully picking up my life and seeing it as worthwhile. I accept with equanimity that I am single, in a spirit that fits the life I am actually living. I am good with my state of life, and often, more than good.

I don't dispute that, as Father Rolheiser put it, the universe works in pairs, and that even God himself said it is not good for man to be alone. I feel that reality in my body every day, the need to be in union, to connect. But understanding that this need is first and foremost a call from God to connect with Him, then with others, has made the difference for me. I don't expend extra energy desperately seeking for The One, for He is with me always (granted cold comfort at times, but mostly reassuring).

In allowing the cross of Christ to transform and repair this fault in my chastity, I can be made whole. I am not a half looking for another half to complete me. I can be a "normal, generative and happy" person, in my single self.

Certainly there are days when loneliness seems to be a fierce, all-encompassing ache that has me singing the blues, but when properly channelled, blue gives way to gold and silver. And, interesting shades of gold and silver abound.

I especially like this paragraph which I share below:

However, to be celibate and single doesn't necessarily mean that one is asexual or sterile. Today the impression is often given that no happiness exists outside of sexual union. That's superficial and untrue. Sexuality is the drive in us towards connection, community, family, friendship, affection, love, creativity, delight, and generativity. We are happy and whole when these things are in our lives, not on the basis of whether or not we sleep alone. The single celibate life offers its own opportunities for achieving these. God never closes one door without opening countless others. For instance, when our culture recognizes that it's easier to find a lover than a friend, it recognizes too that human sexuality and generativity are more than biological.

As Father Rolheiser goes on to say:

There are other ways of being healthily sexual, of getting pregnant and impregnating, of being mother or father, of sexual [sic] enjoying intimacy. Sexuality, love, generativity, family, enjoyment, and delight have multiple modalities.

It is all a question of opening ourselves to Divine-inspired creativity and going down roads previously ignored or undiscovered. The more I venture down paths I had not considered before, the more I have to concur. God has ways we humans dare not dream of, as exemplified by the Annunciation.

I would like to think that the single life has given me opportunities I otherwise would not have experienced; more adventures taken, more surprises afforded, and I am grateful.

The travails of life will arise whether I am single or married, and there will be sacrifices to be made either way. Regardless of either state of life, the choice really is to make the most of life and to be joyous for the graces one receives every day.

So I wear my single celibate life with pride for it is blessed by the living presence of Christ, who makes all things right and beautiful with great love.

* To read Father Rolheiser's article, go to: http://www.ronrolheiser.com/columnarchive/?id=1289

Taking pride down

A friend of mine recently shared that someone dear to her has allowed fear and insecurity to reign supreme, thereby turning this person into a manipulative and selfish being, quite unlike her usual self.

Why is it so unsettling when we hear that someone who strives hard to model Christian values and is generally a kind and giving person has suddenly morphed into a crazed witch and has fallen away from God's truth?

Three things come to my mind. One, pride is to blame; two, it could very easily have been me; and three, it does not take much to discourage others with behaviour that smacks of counter-witnessing. My friend has found this surreal situation difficult to deal with on so many levels.

Yes, we all have our imperfections, but for those who are in positions of moral authority or leadership, the bar is, unfortunately, set much higher. As Jesus said, those who have been given much, much will be demanded of them. That's the reason why we expect our priests and religious to be exemplars of Christian virtue and model citizens.

Faithfulness in small things is required, consistently. For this is what witnessing is all about. In all circumstances, in every waking moment, we do not stop striving to be like Jesus. The only way we can achieve this impossible aspiration is to submit to God's will each nano second. Constant prayer is key to allow transforming grace to course through our arteries, pulsing through our bodies with life-giving, Spirit-filled oxygen.

Saint Paul said to the Corinthians:

I shall be very happy to make my weaknesses my special boast so that the power of Christ may stay over me, and that is why I am quite content with my weaknesses, and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and the agonies I go through for Christ’s sake. For it is when I am weak that I am strong.

The thorns in our flesh are strong enough to lance the boils of our pride, to drain away the pus inside. However, if we do not see the hidden purpose of the thorns that afflict us, we will just whinge, wallow and do nothing.

Pride is truly the queen of all deadly sins for it does not take much for pride to colour our perspective and insidiously blind us to our own faults. Even our strengths are not exempt. I find I have to constantly catch myself from pinning a good deed onto my breast like a badge of honour for all to see and admire. Saint Thérèse of Lisieux urges for the glory of anonymity when it comes to doing good; the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing and all that.

Thus, good people with noble intentions, beware. Always submit your intentions, your acts of love and your good deeds to an examen of consciousness*. Allow your strengths and virtues, not only your weaknesses and faults, to be purified constantly. Do not commit base murder flowing from honourable and lofty ideals just as Brutus in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar did.

In The Way of Perfection, Saint Teresa of Avila talks about the three essentials of a prayer-filled life, humility, charity and detachment, in order for us to become spiritually mature Christians.

To be humble is to walk in the truth of who we are and to be content with whatever it is the Lord wants us to do**. She called humility the queen of virtues. To be charitable is to give of one's self with a self-donating love that puts others first and self after. And detachment is all about self-relinquishing liberation from created things, including our preferences and prejudices. 

Humility, charity and detachment are the trinity of virtues and, Saint Teresa assures, the way to a happy and fulfilling life. These virtues are fully embodied in Jesus, whose example we can emulate closely. So don't let pride get the better of you. Stay humble, loving and hold all things loosely in your hands.

* A great article on how to do the examen: http://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen/consciousness-examen/

** From Susan Muto's Late Have I Loved Thee

God's caress

In a recent address, Pope Francis said: Every day we are all called to become “God’s caress” for those who perhaps have forgotten the first caresses, who perhaps have never felt a caress in their lives.

What a beautiful invitation to each of us to reach out to those who are marginalized or forgotten, who may be neglected or rejected by mainstream society. Pope Francis was encouraging a group of pilgrims who are involved in charitable work, but it is a statement each of us can make applicable in our lives.

I know I have been much blessed for from the day I was born, I have been the beloved of family and friends. I have known what love is in many different ways and I continue to experience it so much so that I find it hard to imagine anyone not having felt a caress of love and care in their lives.

It is therefore a sobering reminder that there are many in my midst who have not been given what I have and I should do something about it. Everything I have is pure gift. I did not earn it or deserve it, and therefore I should be sharing what I have.

I have to admit I have been slacking lately. Busy working on replenishing the coffers after an expensive vacation has been all consuming and energy zapping. And yet, I know it is time I take a step outside my little bubble. As Pope Francis pointed put, answering our call is an everyday affair. There is always someone I can administer to and they are not that difficult to spot.

But besides writing a few cheques and making a financial contribution to worthy causes, I also need to get up close and personal in order to be a palpable caress. I need to make face time.

Just last week, I received a phone call from someone with whom I have a prickly relationship. I know I should pay her a visit and see how she is, but I have used the convenience of my busy life to forget about her for some months now. I have been feeling bad about neglecting her, but not bad enough to make the effort to pop by and spend time with her. Instead, I salved my conscience by just buying her something expensive she needed.

In The Story of a Soul, Saint Thérèse of Lisieux wrote charity ought to betray itself in deeds, and not exist merely in the feelings. She also reminded me there is no real merit in helping those whom I like or love but rather in loving those whom I find hard to love.

I know TA is someone who has long forgotten her first caresses for she has been crotchety for as long as I can remember. And yet, she is someone I know who could do with some TLC.

So tomorrow I will see her and I hope it will be not too unpleasant an encounter. And if it is, I will have to remind myself ad majorem Dei gloriam.

Naked goodness

Lady Gaga recently did a Lady Godiva when she was performing at a gay club. I am not sure what was the point of this act of exhibitionism (Lady Godiva at least did it for a noble cause), but it seems to be the rage amongst women entertainers to be as outrageous and bizarre as possible for the sake of fortune or fame presumably, for it can never be termed art, or have any merit other than that of poor taste.

What has happened to allowing the gifts we have to speak for themselves? In the case of singers, the voice and the music. But no, in order to entertain, an aggressive display of the scantily clad body moving in overtly sexual ways seems to be de rigueur.

While I do not have children to protect from these dehumanizing acts that objectify the body so demeaningly, I feel saddened, as a woman, that all these decades of fighting for women's rights has come to this:

Emancipated women who willingly choose to debase their bodies and be treated as sexual objects, displaying their beautiful assets like meat in a market. They willingly choose to subjugate themselves to male domination by agreeing to be judged on and desired for their physical assets.

In the name of external beauty, they undergo aesthetic surgery to enhance and preserve physical beauty to frightening extremes. What is wrong with one's God-given features? Why is looking one's age so abhorred? Are not inner beauty, character, substance and goodness more valuable, influential and permanent?

We women are so much more than the sum of our body parts. We have so much more to offer the world: our brains, our feminine grace and our inner beauty. We can change the world just be using our wits and our talents. And we can do it without resorting to prostituting ourselves or undermining our own dignity.

I would urge every woman reading this to evaluate how you value your own dignity as woman and to reclaim it if you think looking sexy in order to snag a man is a good idea. Work on developing your God-given assets, your self-esteem, and growing in virtue. Challenge yourself to being a woman who would be a good role model for younger men and women, boys and girls

I would encourage every man reading this to value and affirm the women in your life, be it mother, aunt, sister, girlfriend, wife, daughter or friend, for who they are. Respect and love them as fellow human beings, just as you would want to be respected. Do not lust after women or use them for your own gratification, treat every woman as your beloved sister or mother.

Likewise, women, sexual liberation does not mean twerking your bottom shamelessly into a man's crotch, but it does mean standing up (clothed decently) for your right to be admired and respected for everything that you are. Demand to be loved for the beautiful inner you, not only for your pretty face.

Teach men to go gaga over the real you - body, soul and spirit - stripped of all pretence and artifice, clothed with decorum in your dignity.

TOB for couples

So why is chastity so brilliant before and within marriage? As I wrote in my last entry, TOB good, man and woman are made to be in a monogamous relationship, and in order to live out the nuptial meaning of their bodies, chastity is vital. It may not be easy, but when men and women attempt sexual honesty (leaning heavily on grace), they will find many blessings.

In my previous relationships, I never really knew if I was liked for who I was or was it the sexual chemistry that kept the relationships going. When couples focus on the physical aspect of a mutual attraction, lust muddies the water of love, if it flows, for the motivations that keep a couple in a relationship become unclear. Both had used each other for their own gratification from the start, and this pattern of using often becomes the blueprint of relationship dynamics.

Lust tends to cement relationships of two personalities that should not be together. Even if it becomes clear that they do not bring out the best in each other (every good, long-term relationship should do this) things may have advanced to the point where they are too comfortable to break up and move on. They rationalize staying in a stagnant or unhealthy relationship rather than face being alone.

The mindless, feel good character of lust is akin to gorging on junk food which fills the empty void inside temporarily and leaves you craving for more, like an addict. And what about the ill effects? While less visible than clogged arteries and obesity, they are more damaging.

One night stands are only good for cheap thrills, the danger and risk one exposes oneself to is not worth it, let alone risking one's soul.

Casual sex keeps one focused only on scratching the sexual itch, neglecting the real prize one craves for, a life partner to rely on, through thick and thin.

We have become a world full of people desperately searching for love, but no longer certain what love really looks like and how to find it. We think a sexual smörgåsbord feeds the emptiness in our souls and we keep going back for more. Instead, we grow more pleasure-seekingly selfish, self-absorbed and immature, falling easily into sexual infidelity and perversity. We are morally flaccid.

Here is where chastity makes a difference. When you first meet someone you like, by not jumping into bed immediately, you give each other time to figure out if you really like each other, or is it just hormones talking.

As time progresses and feelings grow, you focus on liking each other in ways that do not objectify or use the other. You plant the seeds of a giving, selfless love and watch it grow.

If you find yourself in love and working towards sharing a lifetime together, should you maintain sexual purity? Yes, for good things truly do come to those who wait. Respecting and honouring the dignity of the other beyond seeking one's own pleasure is of inestimable value, as is the value of self-control.

You know your relationship is not just based on animal attraction but on more substantial stuff, the stuff that keeps marriages going through tough times. You don't feel used. You feel cherished. You are loved the way you want to be loved, for you. If anything, abstinence before marriage begets love of a higher, more generous order.

Marriage is the ultimate symbol and gesture of love for a formal and public exchange of vows enables you both to love to the fullest of your potential with honesty and integrity. In the permanence of the marital bond (this is, of course, assuming both parties recognize the sanctity of the marriage vow they each took), couples have space in the relationship to screw up, behave badly (at times) and fail in life, knowing their spouse will always be there for them to support, forgive and love them.  

Marriage is not an excuse to indulge in lust, although, marital sex can be mind-blowingly good in the absence of lust. For in the intimacy of shared lives, the connection of minds, hearts and bodies becomes an experience that transcends the ordinary where God is present, making the union of husband and wife sacred and achingly wondrous. This realization of heaven on earth is the gift open to all married couples. It's a gift I am holding out for, even if it takes forever.

Chastity within marriage makes sex an act of love that is unitive as well as procreative. Every time couples engage in sex, they are not only renewing their promises of avowed love to each other, they are also saying I give myself totally to you in such a way that if the miracle of new life should occur, we give thanks for that blessing, even if we may not be so thrilled about it initially (if unplanned). Children are that gift of life, created out of love. They are not a right that parents decide to exercise at will, despite the wonders of modern science.

We humans have the ability to practise natural family planning and couples who do abstain from sex when necessary, find that it makes for better communication that, in turn, engenders mutual love and respect. It is life affirming, unlike couple who contracept and focus only on getting their sexual kicks by blocking fertility.

A asked me a question when we met for dinner recently, about what I thought about an unmarried couple in a committed relationship sharing a room while on vacation.

My immediate thought is why put yourselves through this test of will power when you have already come so far in maintaining sexual purity (and if you haven't, there's no better time like the present to start)? Besides, even if you managed to just sleep and do nothing else, no one would believe you.

Although propriety seems irrelevant, the old-fashioned standards of behaviour make good sense. They make for refreshing simplicity and clarity. Adhere to them and relationships won't get complicated. No unpleasant surprises before marriage, and the courtship is a little sweeter, while the wedding night all the more special when it finally arrives. Plus no one can point a moralistic finger at you, and you will feel very good and virtuous about yourself, and deservedly so.

Chastity works to keep couples on the right track of love, to love with purity and single-minded intensity. And if couples allow the third party of Jesus to be part of their love, then all they need do is follow His lead.

PS: I thank God for the gift of JPII and his amazing Theology of the Body.

TOB good

While driving me home last night, J asked me a question that made me smile and roll my eyes simultaneously (and she was not the first one to ask it). She asked if I had met someone special on the cruise. What is with this absurd Love Boat notion (I loved that schmaltzy 70s show growing up)? Worse, S had asked me earlier on when we met if I had a little holiday fling?

It amuses and annoys me at the same time when my women friends think that I can only have a good time on vacation if I (a) find a man who is attracted to me and romances me, or (b) have a mindless sexual encounter with a strange man.

Yes, it would have been a huge ego boost (after I laughed in his face in disbelief) if a tall, dark and handsome stranger had materialized before me and told me I was his soul mate, but I have outgrown trashy, romance novels that promise love that is not true love but the surge of pheromones and the idea of romantic love itself.

I will admit I am picky. I always want the best in life, the real thing, no fakes, and I will not compromise, especially when it comes to that special someone. So I have put all my trust in God. If indeed, I am to be married someday, then He will show the way.

If not, I am not waiting in the wings, quiescent and half alive until that happens. My hours are filled with satisfying work, relationships that are dear to me, and ideas and things that fill me with wonder, curiosity and passion.

It is hard to surrender one's desire for a spouse to a Higher Power and wait on His will to unfold His plan for we all have this innate, urgent desire for unity embedded deep within our souls.

In JPII speak, this longing for union is, at the core, the longing for God, put there by God. It is a life force that impels and drives us and one of the ways we humans fulfil this longing for union is in marriage, a lifelong commitment to love each other freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully.* It cannot be found in casual sexual encounters or romances that last only as long as the fizz in an opened bottle of champagne lasts for it is much more than a physical union.

The nuptial union is a promise to love beyond selfish desires, hurts, abuse, betrayal, misfortune, adversity and loss. It is a union that must rely on supernatural graces to inject forgiveness, compassion and the ability to love with vulnerability and fidelity in the marriage.

Sex, the physical part of the union, is the final and ultimate outpouring of love originating from the spiritual and emotional bonds of a marriage, and, is the unitive act that says I pledge my love without reservations and I promise to be there for you forever.

Unfortunately today most couples trivialize the sanctity of the physical union, making it the first step in establishing a relationship, using sex as a tool to satisfy lust. This makes for a shaky foundation for lust is both indiscriminate and selfish, an uncertain material on which to lay a relationship. And that is why chastity before (and inside) marriage is a brilliant idea, but that's another story (look out for my next post).

The alternative to marriage is a way of life that JPII calls celibacy for the kingdom. It is to consecrate one's life to God in a special way, as priests and religious do. Clearly this is not a calling for many, and yet, it is a way of life that I can emulate as a single woman, and all single people are called to copy.

Chastity is really sexual honesty and integrity. So in order to be true to my human nature, I choose to have no sex before marriage and if I never marry, no sex forever. It is not very comfortable at times, but I love how it allows me to develop other facets of my sexuality more fully, rather than taking the narrow world view of what sexuality means and bemoaning my state of life.

In choosing to cultivate an intimate and living relationship with the Lord, I am able to live out this nuptial meaning of my body wholly, even as a single person. He is my playmate, my bestie, my spouse and my ultimate lover. Through Him, with Him and in Him alone, I have need of no other.

He alone reveals the way I can attain inner peace, lasting happiness and deep self-satisfaction. Following in the footsteps of Jesus has been, for me, a challenging, but fascinating, always enlightening and thrilling journey.

Therefore, whether on vacation or at home, I am happy to go where He leads me, to love others as He loves them without using them, but giving them what I have to give in my personhood, as He did.

* Christopher West's interpretation of Blessed John Paul II's Theology of the Body. 

Conversion experiences

When M asked us to reflect on one high point and one low point in our lives last week it was easy for me to pick THE high point. It was the three weeks of ICPE Mission's Pastoral Counselling School (PCS) in Bangalore.

Last night, I realized that it has been just about 10 years since those incredible days in November 2003. As it is with all life-defining moments, that period in time remains etched in my memory forever, timeless and ageless.

I am freshly amazed by how Jesus knew exactly when my heart would be ready to receive Him and thus orchestrated this first meeting at the well. When I drank the water of eternal life He offered from the PCS cup, there was no turning back. I was hooked for life for I had found my priceless pearl of faith.

For the first time ever I realized how much I was loved, totally and unconditionally. Even my darkest, deepest sins were forgiven. It was a homecoming to rival that of the Prodigal Son. I regained my identity as daughter, bride and queen and the words from Isaiah 62:4 resounded fully:

You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her, and your land Married; for the LORD delights in you, and your land shall be married.

My life changed. Overnight I knew where I came from, I knew who I was and what I was here for, and I knew where I was going (sorta, kinda, well in the general direction, anyway). And because I was forgiven much, like the sinful woman in Luke's Gospel (chapter 7), I loved Jesus with great passion and verve.

Ten years on, nothing has changed. I am still as in love with Him as I was, if not more. Our relationship has matured into an exceptional vintage wine of love and trust. It has been an intense decade that has not been all fun and roses even though I have embraced every second of it.

Every successful relationship requires work and sacrifice. By throwing my lot in with Jesus, I had to make some hard decisions concerning career, lifestyle and love life. The lowest point in my life involved choosing between God and His ways, and a man I loved enough to consider marrying.

What made the decision doubly painful was obedience to the Father had me stay in the relationship for an additional year before I was to let it go. Apart from the grief of the breakup, I had to deal with my confusion, wondering if I had discerned correctly. And if I had, why did God play this cruel joke on me for I had known a year before the relationship was a no-fly and I was ready then to walk away. Why, God, why???

To misquote Tennyson, mine not to reason why, mine but to do and die. The process of breaking down to build up, of the Divine Potter moulding me into His image and likeness was excruciating when it came to this particular instance. Everything else pales in comparison in terms of difficulty or the pain factor.

With the benefit of hindsight I am able to see that this low point was a necessary conversion experience, just as my conversion experience in Bangalore was. Both helped me grow in faith and hope, while enabling me to break free from the bondage of relativism and secularism.

I stand on the side of goodness and truth, knowing that there are absolute rights and wrongs in life. It is not all relative in life. Doing the right thing will not leave you feeling fuzzy and warm most times - it is hard work. Sexual intercourse is a unifying act of love between husband and wife and not a pre-marital recreational activity. Choosing the better part will always be a real struggle. And when it comes to love, I profess to the kind of love that leads to death on a cross, the kind of love the world mainly disparages.

This is where I am, 10 years later, and I know there is more perfecting to undergo, more high and low points in life to encounter. It is daunting and exhilarating at the same time. Exhausting yet energizing.

Today is World Mission Sunday and learning more about the missionaries who braved and lost much in order to establish a dynamic and thriving Catholic Church in Singapore (I did a Pilgrimage In My Backyard, big thanks to Amilia and Adeline) has spurred me to be more missionary in spirit.

Loving Jesus has to mean more than merely receiving the graces of conversion from Him. It means stepping out in Christ's spirit: to see His goodness and likeness in others, to bring confidence and joy to people, and to ultimately be light to the world (great homily, Father Arro).

I thank God for conversion experiences and I pray for a missionary heart that is untiring, courageous and boundless in love, mercy and compassion.

Blessing others

In today's Gospel, of the ten lepers that were healed, only the Samaritan returned to thank Jesus. He was the only one who took time to express his gratitude properly, not that the other nine were not thankful (I would have been ecstatic if I were cured of an incurable disease). It was, as Father Romeo put it, the recognition of a moment, and thereby doing justice to that moment.  

I found what he said next to be very profound: The recognition of the present moment is the beginning of blessings.  By returning to bless Jesus with gratitude, the leper received yet another blessing from Jesus, the blessing of salvation that comes from faith.

For someone who rushes around much of the work day, I find myself often motoring on without recognizing the present, and thereby missing many opportunities to act with openness and love.

I miss chances to be available to others, and in so doing, to be able to give thanks to the Almighty who blesses me constantly and creates many moments in my day for me to possibly act with sanctity. To meet Him face to face.

Recognizing the moment and expressing gratitude must be done a certain way, it must be done joyously. Here is where something I read this morning segues in nicely. 

Doctor Edward Mulholland wrote this of the Pope's visit to Assisi on his namesake's feast day, that he "gave religious and all Christians a one-question conscience exam on sanctity: do you smile like a stewardess?"

Pope Francis was emphasizing to the cloistered sisters he met that a genuine smile that brims with joy best represented their humanity. He said:

“When one goes along the path of the contemplation of Jesus Christ, of prayer and of penance with Jesus Christ, one becomes immensely human. Cloistered nuns are called to have a great deal of humanity, a humanity like that of Mother Church. To be human, to understand all things about life, to be people who know how to understand human problems, who know how to forgive, who know how to pray to God for people. Your humanity. And your humanity goes down this path: the Incarnation of the Word, the path of Jesus Christ. And what is the sign of a sister who is that human? Joy… joy... when there is joy! It saddens me when I see nuns who aren’t joyful. They might smile, but it’s a flight attendant’s smile. But not with the smile of joy, the joy that comes from within.”

When I read this, I felt challenged for I am not the sunniest of personalities around. And yet, what best represents my love for Jesus is joy. When I think of Him, I melt. I smile. So do I translate this interior smile externally? If I do not exude this joy to others, what's the point of being good? Merely performing good deeds with a surly air and snappish, exacting ways sucks all the good out of any deed. Something I do quite well, unfortunately.

Now that I have been inspired to be mindful of the present, to give thanks with joy and thus be a blessing to others, the last piece of my reflection today is to bless others not just through my actions, but in bold words that speak of God.

Last night, M told me a story that Father Gino told retreatants last weekend about blessing others. Father Gino would unfailingly greet the bus driver on boarding a bus and give a farewell blessing to the driver before he got off. As he travelled a certain route every day at a certain time, he would meet the same bus driver, on occasion.

One day, lost in thought, he missed his stop. However, because the bus remained stationary, he looked around and realized that this was his stop. So he quickly got off. But the bus still did not move. Thinking he had perhaps left something on the bus, he went up the bus again, only to be told by the driver that he had forgotten to bless him. So he blessed the driver and the bus was finally able to go on its way.

Father Gino related this anecdote to communicate that we should not be hesitant in blessing others (the talk was centred on evangelization), even if we thought that others may not share our faith, for fundamentally we all want to be blessed by God.

So if you are reading this, I hope that you will be blessed with mindfulness, gratitude and joy this week, and bring joy and blessings to all you meet.

May God bless you abundantly!     

Witness of life

Today's readings are reminders to me on how I should be living my life. First, I should not be like Jonah, who refused to acknowledge his mission (being unforgiving of the Ninevites whom God wished to save), fled onto a ship, only to be caught on a storm, tossed overboard and swallowed by a big fish.

When we run away from responsibilities we do not like, or when we are not honest with ourselves, we become like Jonah. We tend to put conditions on how we should live our lives and thus we end up disobeying God. We place our own selfish needs before others, even if that was not our intention initially.

I was like Jonah on my recent vacation. I felt justified in pursuing my own interests because I had already sacrificed a lot for the trip and so I ultimately failed to consider fully what would make the time abroad enjoyable for my mother. As a consequence we ended up doing too much by her reckoning, and churches just did not enthral her as much as they did me. I failed in making the vacation a good one for her even if that was what I really wanted. Sigh.

Yesterday my circle of Friends met (we are each journeying towards a covenantal relationship as an ICPE Mission Companion early next year) and we watched a video on worship and evangelization.

 

When Mario Capello shared that the witness of life is an irreplaceable form of mission, I realized I had not been a very effective witness, even if I had thought I was doing an okay job. 

Witnessing means that if I choose to love God with all my heart, being, strength and mind (today's Gospel from Luke chapter 10), I must love my neighbour as myself. This love of neighbour must extend to all people, and in every encounter.

 

I cannot pick and choose when, where and whom I wish to serve but must respect the dignity of the other especially in instances where our preferences diverge, or when I do not even like the other (making loving them tough). I also cannot choose to love myself more than others as and when I wish to, especially when it is a stretch for me (even tougher when I really do not want to do something, like Jonah).

 

It should be obvious by now that the witness of life, showing others a certain way of life that is consistent in that it is a true gift of self is not humanly possible. It really isn't if we rely on our own strength. But if I rely completely on God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, then I have a fighting chance.  

So I would say my biggest lesson from the trip is although I will never be the perfect daughter, I can listen more carefully, hear the unspoken needs and wants of my quiet mother, then act accordingly to fulfil those needs and wants with a modicum of fuss.

 

This sensitivity to others, family members and strangers alike, can only come if I listen more closely to Jesus and develop His unerring ability to read the hearts of others.

 

As A shared with me, "Rise up, call upon your God!" (Jonah 1:6) speaks to her and reminds her to not rely on her own strength. If I do as she does, then in my everyday, ordinary life, others can see God who is invisible, fully alive within me. And that is how I desire to witness. 

Little Flower power

It is the feast day of Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus and my parish feast day, so it's cause for celebration. Her spirituality of the Little Way is inspiring for she is the saint for small people, people who may never be great in the way the world measures greatness, and yet, they are people who accomplish much with their quiet faithfulness.

From the point of every individual's conception, we are called to life and chosen to love in a similar fashion that God loves each and every one of us.

It does not matter if we are not the sharpest tool in the toolbox, the most beautiful or sweetest smelling flower in the garden, the juiciest apple, the sparkliest diamond...what matters most is that we love God. That is all that is required for greatness.

As Saint Augustine put it: Love God and do whatever you please: for the soul trained in love to God will do nothing to offend the One who is Beloved.

That was exactly what Saint Thérèse did, hence she knew from a tender age what she wanted to do and she pursued her dreams with unrelenting compromise until her early demise at age 24.

She was inspired by Saint John of the Cross who "taught her that God can never inspire desires that cannot be fulfilled." Therefore we must not be faint-hearted in pursuit of our dreams, especially if we know these are the desires put into our hearts by the Lord.

Saint Thérèse shows us that her Little Way of simplicity and humility in glorifying God can lead to greatness. How else can we explain why she could enter the convent at age 15, six years ahead of most people, then, a few years later, was ordered to write her memoirs which subsequently took the world by storm when it was published posthumously.

Or how these simple writings led to her becoming a Doctor of the Church, a rare title reserved only for those who have made significant contributions to theology or doctrine.

We may be small, weak, über ordinary, even insignificant, but we have no excuse for giving up or for mediocrity. Being physically frail and a weepy, sensitive soul did not stop Saint Therese from being true to who she was, the Little Flower who loved God, and others, in a big way. So what's stopping us?

Saint Thérèse,
Help me to always believe,
As you did,
In God's great love for me,

So that I might imitate
Your "Little Way" each day.