Battling our demons

Knuckling down to study for my exam (yes, this time I am finally going to take it having set an exam date of June 20) has been an uphill battle.

First excuse (a valid one) was work, and the inability to find the time and energy to hit the books. Then I was just unable to focus, being easily distracted, under the weather... I grew increasingly frustrated with myself and was beginning to feel the weight of the looming exam date.

So I began praying in earnest, and specifically, for diligence, focus and perseverance. Knowing my weaknesses, and knowing that I cannot do it alone has been key. In asking for help through prayer, I have been able to surmount the road blocks of sloth and lack of time (my schedule has magically cleared). Prayer has become my secret weapon in my exam prep.

Now, why, you may ask, did I not begin sooner? I guess I thought I could do it on my own. For I thought that an awareness of my weaknesses/bad habits was sufficient to fight against them. I have to admit I also thought it kinda lame to ask God for help in studying, like some wimpy kid.

Ah yes, we have hit upon my personal demons, the ones that tell me I am worthless, not worthy of being loved (or helped) and just not good enough for anything. I can never be perfect, being so unremarkably mediocre, so why try? They just floor me and leave me snivelling in the dust, too defeated to get up and try again. I go into a foetal freeze and stay there.

As I told E earlier this week, words I should seriously consider myself, God does not require us to be perfect, we just have to be sincere (a humble, contrite heart you will not spurn) and try our best. And that is perfection enough for God, for His power is made perfect in our weakness.

If we stumble and fall, that is all par for the course. Thomas Edison rightly said, "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time." Thus we should simply get up and start walking forward.

I came across another great quote, by Robert Louis Stevenson:

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.

We are so conditioned to measure success in real, material terms, that when tangible results are lacking, we think we have failed, and we give up, abandoning course. We forget that success in God's eyes requires just one thing: it requires heart. Purity of heart. Veracity of heart.

Today's reading from Romans, chapter five, says it all for me:

"...we can boast about our sufferings. These sufferings bring patience, as we know, and patience brings perseverance, and perseverance brings hope, and this hope is not deceptive, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit which has been given us."

What we find lacking in ourselves, what we most seek in life can be found in God's love - this is the truth of our Trinitarian God*. Out of love, He gave us His Son, and the Holy Spirit. So with the help of our Father, Son and Holy Spirit, all demons can be vanquished.

Pray for help. And as A, a bold prayer warrior, would advise, be specific. Now back to studying.

* Today we celebrate the Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity.

Pentecostal leanings

If someone were to ask me how do I know for sure that God exists, I would say I know God exists not just because I feel it in my bones, but because of this living relationship I have with His Advocate, the Holy Spirit.

This gift of faith is not merely a gift I received in Baptism because my parents loved me enough to want me to be a child of God; it is also a gift I have chosen to unwrap and utilize, thereby growing it with each passing day.

I do this by living in God's presence with heart, mind and spirit constantly, by being obedient to the movement of His Spirit who lives within me.

Obedience is tough for once we reach adulthood, we prize independence to the fatal exclusion of humility and receptivity. We fail to realize that true independence comes from knowing and doing the Father's will.

Odd as that may sound, when we decide to do things His way, we are freed from our fears, shortcomings and dysfunctions for we operate from a place that is actually most true to ourselves and has the greatest integrity. It is also the seat of our deepest desire and where the Holy Spirit reigns. 

Through the Spirit, we are given the wisdom to know what is right, the courage, compassion and generosity to do what is right and the fortitude to see our actions through, despite failure, discouragement and even persecution.

Such strong alignment with God's Spirit requires a careful cultivation of a relationship not unlike that of a spouse or a BFF. I am glad that in spite of my woefully minimal prayer life currently, I can claim a fairly decent relationship still.  

This Pentecost has been an extra special one, for apart from celebrating the birthday of the Church, I rejoiced in how central a figure the Holy Spirit has been in my life and consequently, how much I am loving my life and what I do for I truly feel I am precisely where I should be, following His lead.

I asked for a renewal of my spiritual gifts, as well as a couple of new ones (A reminded me to ask for the spiritual gifts I sought the night before), and I felt that I would be granted what I had asked for. 

As we* gathered for a luncheon celebration and to pray for each other this Pentecost, the Spirit spoke strongly to each of us, giving us an indication of what lies in store for each of us. It was a wonderful afternoon of feasting and sharing lives.     

The cherry on the cake were the multiple celebrations yesterday: Singapore's new Archbishop Monsignor William Goh, the 10th anniversary of ICPE Mission Singapore and the 11th anniversary of ICPE Mission's Pontifical Recognition. Plus today, we celebrate the arrival of C and M's gorgeous baby girl, Anna, who is a child that has been "set aside for God".

As we move back into Ordinary Time, let us not forget our Pentecostal beginnings and pay homage to it every day. Live life in the Spirit.

* Friends of ICPE Mission Singapore, Institute for World Evangelisation. We are a group of Catholics who are journeying to become a community of Companions, lay missionaries who are doing God's work wherever we are situated in life. 

God

This was a writing exercise we did last Friday:

What would I say to someone I love, who doesn't know God the way I do? How would I share my faith? What would I say to make this person understand the depth and breadth of my love for Christ and why I follow him? Words are insufficient to describe the ineffability, mystery and majesty of God. Yet, words are all I have.

He is the reason my life is decadently rich

For he makes me roll with laughter,

Sigh softly in wonder and purr with contentment.

With him, life is a journey of unplanned surprises,

Sometimes scary, even fiendishly difficult,

But no one said believing would be a breeze,

Or how incredibly awesome it can be.

If they did, I would not have listened anyway.

 

I am a child again when he winks at me,

Vibrating with excitement and glee.

We ride the surf and swoop like eagles

In azure skies lit with sunbeams gold.

In his arms I feel beautiful, good and strong,

I can even change the world: create an Eden

Humming with new life and fecund hope,

Where no one is ever hungry, lonely or afraid.

 

He's my best friend, my mentor, my paladin.

That rare mix of tender parent and consummate lover.

Call me blessed among women for I am that,

As that pearl of love is forever mine.

Its luminous glow untouched by time or circumstance,

Anointed as it was with sacrificial blood.

Together we traipse, hearts and minds in union,

He is my Lord and my God, most beloved.

The write stuff

The W2W Ministry is covering spiritual gifts this Easter season and we talked about spiritual writing last Friday.

Writing, be it prose, poetry or songs, can be a spiritual practice, especially when we do it to praise and glorify the one who endowed us with this facility for written language in the first place. 

We just have to look at the Bible as an example of the written word that is profound, beautiful, inspiring, challenging and most of all, an intimate love story of humanity's relationship with God.

Although the Bible, a collection of 73 books, was written by a number of writers through various ages for different  communities, they were all inspired by the Divine. The Bible therefore is considered the Word of God.

Taking inspiration from the Divine, we can, likewise, write our own psalms, laments, letters and songs. We can write to communicate to others just who is God in our, and their, lives, and in sharing our inner thoughts, we may perhaps touch others and become instruments that transform lives.

So not all of us are called to be writers. And yet, we can each still write. If we are serious about growing in our faith journey, then keeping a spiritual journal will allow us to see more clearly how God is working in our life, what are our desires, named and yet to be discovered, and whether we are staying true to our values. Spiritual journalling can also help us map our personal growth and reveal to us our weaknesses and fears.

My journal is my place of refuge, where I can be truly myself in front of God. When I write, I can pour out my woes, my shame and my gratitude to Him. My journal becomes my voice of truth to myself just as it is my messy, sometimes incoherent but heartfelt love letter to God.

While there is no right way to journal, I like to use the readings of the day as my starting point in my reflection time and see how Scripture speaks to me in a personal way on any given day.

Faith is not just theology, doctrine or principles that guide one's life, faith is first and foremost, an intimate relationship with God, God who is living and who engages with us all the time.

Journalling through Scripture, I get to dialogue with God even as I get to know Him and His ways more and more. It also prevents my journalling from becoming one long, boring monologue.

One other way I like to journal is to write down all the things I am grateful (and not so grateful) for in a day as it allows me to see the miracles of the day and where God was actually standing by my side. Plus this also helps me stay grateful and practise the art of gratitude.

When I feel moody or down, I use the Feel it, Own it and Express it to see why I am feeling a particular way and to dig a little deeper to see what could be the underlying cause so that I have a better understanding of myself as I take it into prayer. It sure beats psychoanalysis.

How often should one journal? If not every day, then at least once a week, although, I find that a week is too long to remember everything that has happened to me.

Journals are like Pensieves in Harry Potter's world, where we can review our memories and thus be able to "spot patterns and links". If we do not write down our epiphanies, our moments, we lose the ability to review them and thus lose the opportunity to mine the past to enrich our present and future.

Mostly, we lose the chance to know how good God has been to us as the memory fades and the moment gets forgotten. So if you do not want to forget it, write it down.

Body good

I have been abusing my body with insufficient sleep and a general lack of care due to work and pure indulgence, and it has been biting back. Seriously.
 
Here I was, wondering how a friend could be pre-diabetic and not take full and immediate action to reverse this potentially serious condition when she still could, when I was equally guilty of gross neglect.
 
What is it that drives people to feed our bodies with junk, treat our bodies shabbily with no exercise and very little sleep, then pump our bodies with loads of chemicals to relieve us of the symptoms that actually tell us all is not well within?
 
Convenience and stress are the twin evils of modern living. We often take the path of least resistance to obtaining "good" health it by popping pills.
 
We go on fad diets to lose weight and we are content to lose the mobility of our limbs as long as we look good - who cares how we feel inside?
 
Even pain does not motivate a change for there is always a pill to handle the pain.
 
Fortunately, vanity and an abhorrence of medication are my aides. Hence, I have begun to be more selective with what I put in my body. I even sleep earlier and I have begun to exercise regularly.
 
It is not as if taking care of my health is rocket science, but finding the willpower to do the necessary is often the biggest obstacle. It took feeling like a 102 before I decided to be more responsible for me and my body.
 

In the Catechism of the Catholic Church, it states: 

The human body shares in the dignity of "the image of God": it is a human body precisely because it is animated by a spiritual soul, and it is the whole human person that is intended to become, in the body of Christ, a temple of the Spirit.

Man, though made of body and soul, is a unity. Through his very bodily condition he sums up in himself the elements of the material world. Through him they are thus brought to their highest perfection and can raise their voice in praise freely given to the Creator. For this reason man may not despise his bodily life. Rather he is obliged to regard his body as good and to hold it in honor since God has created it and will raise it up on the last day.

My body and my soul are one, inseparable. If I wish to praise and reverence God to the best of my ability, then I am obliged to honour my body and keep it in the pink of health.

 

Time to stretch and get ready for bed.

Living out Easter

I find the Eastertide readings difficult. Although they speak of burgeoning faith among individuals and communities, as well as miracle upon miracle, there is great persecution and many new believers are put to death for their faith in the resurrected Lord.

And yet, despite the grimness of the readings, they speak of joy even in the face of death: the joy of an intimate encounter with Christ, the grace of living and moving in the Spirit, and the hope of eternal life that sustains us in the midst of suffering.

The shock waves from the two bombs that went off during the Boston Marathon almost two weeks ago are still reverberating around the world. As I grieve for those wounded so heinously by the two pressure cooker bombs that exploded metal pellets and nails into the surrounding crowd killing and permanently maiming them, I also pray that this act of hatred does not ripple into hate crimes and acts of retaliation against family members of the bombers, and people of who share their ethnicity, culture or religion.

Instead of allowing anger to destroy or divide us, we must construct a new way of life, one that recognizes our shared humanity and breaks downs fences of prejudice and fear in order for us to dialogue and find a common ground where we can share our collective lives.

Violence on the scale of the Boston Marathon bombings hurts not just those who were present, friends and families of those injured or killed, the friends, family and community of the Tsarnaev brothers, but it is a hurt perpetrated against the city of Boston, the North American continent and indeed, the whole world.

Such violence changes all of us. We become more fearful, more inward looking, and more mistrustful, judgemental against people who are different, not like us. Hatred has just received a huge power boost, keeping it alive in the world. This is a grievous crime against humanity.

The only way forward is to live out the Easter message of forgiveness as lived out by Christ's early disciples (much like Stephen who forgave those who were stoning him to death). To combat hate, we each need to be messengers of transformation through peaceful and loving means.

Instead of merely hunting down the roots of dissidence and eradicating them, we need to seek ways to ensure every young person on the planet grows up with a sound moral compass to guide him or her through life. The surviving suspect is just 19, we need to ask ourselves what motivates a 19 year old to commit such horrific violence?

We need to reach out to our youth, the marginalized, the disenfranchised and the abused, and look for ways to integrate them into society, to hear and acknowledge them, giving dignity to them.

What about our children? Born and unborn, they are the most vulnerable and the greatest at risk group, victims of adult selfishness, perversion and neglect. Abortions born out of irresponsibility. Online child predators, molesters and rapists (of five year olds no less, truly abominable). Parents who exploit their own children, objectifying them for selfish purposes (think child beauty pageants).

Do we care if our children, our youth, know the difference between right and wrong? Do we worry that they are so filled with hurt, anger, hate or indifference, not knowing how to love, how to be kind and generous?

We should, for they will be running the world one day when we are old and feeble. If we wish to leave behind a worthwhile legacy for our children, we must invest in their emotional and spiritual welfare. We must help them become men and women of integrity and hope.

Every adult needs to teach every child we meet the virtues of honour, honesty, generosity, diligence, patience, tolerance, compassion, courage, self-control and humility. We need to give them faith and hope in humanity by teaching them to be fully human, to love one another as Christ has loved us as it preaches in today's Gospel passage.

We can each start, leading by example. Be more patient with people who are old, slow or seemingly stupid.

Be more forgiving of those who are brusquely rude, insult or wrong you, and just generally push all the wrong buttons.

Be more empathetic towards those you dislike and even find hateful. 

Be more hospitable to strangers. 

Be more giving, kind and compassionate to those who need understanding or help.

Be more honest in your dealings with others instead of only seeking to score one for the home team.   

Going one step further, do you take the Gospel message of service seriously, even when you know you are going to be repaid poorly, ridiculed and even discriminated against? Or do you hug all that you have been given, focusing instead on building your own little stronghold of like-minded clones?

Every human being deserves to be loved and accepted, to be able to grow in freedom to be the man and woman he or she was created to be. When circumstances do not foster loving affirmation, when families are fragmented and no longer safe, nurturing and enlightening environments for youth to develop, we are all in danger of becoming narcissistic, voracious takers who thrive on malice, darkness and lust.

We become less and less human in our self-imposed isolation as we live in worlds of alternative realities. Without moral bearings, we easily become bombers, serial killers, Sandy Hook-like shooters who mow down the most innocent of beings.

As we approach the end of the Easter season, we are reminded that this world we live in can be a new creation, one as intended by God, despite the darkness that surrounds us.

So even if we are persecuted for living out what we believe to be true, good and beautiful as Christians, we should still forge ahead for Christ is always with us, and the promise of a new heaven and a new earth is ours.

And even if the world clamours for blood to bring about justice, we must ask for a different manner of justice, one that tempers it with mercy and love.

Let us cultivate the spiritual gifts that have been given to us in baptism and confirmation and be more apostolic, prophetic, evangelistic so that we can bring to world healing, mercy, wisdom, knowledge, encouragement, faith, and most of all, miracles.

Good has triumphed over evil in the miracle of Christ's resurrection, thus good can triumph over evils such as the Boston Marathon bombing.

Let us each make it our duty to effect miracles that celebrate the Easter spirit. 

Live Easter. 

Joining the race

I had lunch with D yesterday and we were talking about whether it was better to be a disciple of Christ earlier or later in life.

She shared that making the decision to follow Jesus early on in life was tough. Keeping the faith was no easy thing and as Paul exhorts in Timothy, it is a race, a marathon, we are running. We may flag but we cannot stop running this good race, arduous and excruciating as it may become at certain segments of the run.

I completely agree with her about discipleship being a touch calling. It does get exhausting, being good, doing the right and better thing all the time, especially when we are surrounded by people who do not, and we have to defend our choices at times.

If only we can play hooky on certain days and be "normal", even though the state of normal may not exactly be the best or most judicious choice. In theory, playing hooky looks attractive but in practice, I am always left feeling a little empty while doing the right thing always makes me feel better even if it was a fight getting there

So here is where life-giving communities, constant prayer and receiving the Sacraments regularly are vital.

The sense of belonging and camaraderie in our communities help us realize that we are not alone in our struggles, and that we have a pool of cheerleaders to give us moral support and help us grow in our spiritual walk.

Together with the supernatural support we avail ourselves of, the race becomes one that is not only endorphin driven and pleasurable, but it also makes us stronger.

Some people think that it is better to delay coming back to God. That one should enjoy the pleasures of the world before one makes that deathbed choice to say please forgive me now because I want to come back to you and therefore get to experience eternal life, a have your cake and eat it situation. They could not be further from the truth.

Apart from the fact they may not get a chance to make that last minute decision, the longer and further they stay away from God, the more they allow sin to permeate their lives.

No one starts out willing to be bad, and as the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You may think you can change at will, but after a while, your will is no longer yours to command and worse, you may no longer be able to differentiate between good and bad choices as time goes by.

I actually bemoan the fact that I began the race much later in life and that I had wasted so many years before I got to know Jesus and love Him in a way that has changed my life radically.

All those years seeking for love and happiness when it was within my reach at all times, if I had but taken hold of the Lord's outstretched hand. All those years of misguided efforts that brought so much pain and deep loneliness.

Yes, as D pointed out, living a life made up of hedonistic choices, had its moments of immense pleasure and joy, but it also involved furloughs in massive depression and bouts of low self-worth.

There was an emptiness within that nothing could fill: partying, drinking and lust-driven activities were but quick fixes that left you craving for more.

Freedom is gone when one is a slave to one's addictions and the dictates of one's restless and fearful heart.

Thus I am very grateful and glad to be a follower of Christ, albeit a late one, for I would not exchange the peace I have since discovered and claimed for anything in the world. I know who I am and there is a sense of clear purpose to my life that centres me and makes my life achingly beautiful.

I choose God and His ways for being good feels really good. Plus, I enjoy the moral simplicity and freedom I have, and an inner tranquillity that even bad times cannot destroy. Best of all, I feel much loved, every single day.

No, life is not perfect, there are moments of great struggle still, but the good outweighs the bad. And when I get discouraged, I know that if I keep my eyes on Him, all will be well. As Azariah prayed in the furnace (in the book of Daniel):

Bring to fruition the quest of those who follow you,
for those who trust in you can never be confounded.
And now we follow you with all our heart
and we revere you and seek your face.

And this is how we finish the race, whether we join in early or late.

Divine Mercy

It was a lovely surprise, albeit slightly daunting (I was on lector duty), this morning when the Coadjutor Archbishop Monsignor William Goh dropped by to celebrate Divine Mercy Sunday with the parishioners of Saint Teresa.

In his characteristic fiery style he gave us a homily that challenged us to be more faithful by being more merciful. He commented that many of us do not experience God's mercy, not because God is not merciful, but because we lack faith.

Whenever disaster strikes and we seek miracles, we tend to seek out alternatives before we finally turn to God, usually as a last resort. He sees this as the mark of the individualistic Christian, one who prizes independence, instead of one who in humility knows he or she is only a part of the body of Christ, who is the head.

Our Coadjutor Archbishop then reminded us that Satan loves the individual Christian for it is easy to go after him or her, rather than a community who is not so susceptible to his lies.

Monsignor Goh also stressed the healing power of the Sacrament of Reconciliation, for it is here that we can truly experience the Lord's Divine Mercy. Something most of us do not avail ourselves of often enough.

When I was younger I used to think it was quite pointless to confess my laundry list of sins, receive absolution, then repeat my sins again. Why bother going for Confession since I was going to sin again? I did not want to be a hypocritical Christian so I did not go regularly.

I, of course, had a very immature understanding of what the Sacrament was all about. And it is also the pride thing that makes it uncomfortable for me to confess my sins and shortcomings. (It is still not easy...)

Then I committed mortal sin, and because I was not ready to stop, I stayed away not just from Reconciliation, but from receiving the Sacrament of the Eucharist for a protracted period. Those were truly dark years.

It was only when I finally rejected and confessed my sins that I allowed myself to experience the healing love of His Divine Mercy. That was my point of conversion. My resurrection from the dead.

In this personal experience of hesed which is Hebrew for a love that endures beyond sin and betrayal, space and time, that is healing and forgiving like a mother's unconditional love for her child, I fell in love with Jesus. He was my knight in shining armour, The One who believed in me and loved me for who and what I am.

Now in this covenantal relationship with Jesus, my heart desires only more of this undeserved love, thus making it easier for me to refrain from sin. I will never stop sinning for it's just not humanly possible, but there is always the divine grace of the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

Pope John Paul II who canonized Sister Maria Faustina Kowalska and designated the Sunday after Easter as the Feast of the Divine Mercy in 2000 said, "There is nothing more man needs than Divine Mercy – that love which is benevolent, which is compassionate, which raises man above his weakness to the infinite heights to the holiness of God."

JPII also called Divine Mercy the Easter gift that the Church receives from the risen Christ and offers to humanity.

Thus as Christians, we can and should engage in works of mercy such as:

Corporal Works         Feed the hungry Give drink to the   thirsty Clothe the naked Shelter the homeless Comfort the prisoners Visit the sick Bury the dead

Spiritual Works Teach the ignorant Pray for the living & dead Correct sinners Counsel those in doubt Console the sorrowful Bear wrongs patiently Forgive wrongs willingly

 
Mercy is what our fragmented, disenfranchised and broken world needs, and mercy is what we can give. As Monsignor William Goh reminded us in his closing, if we are not compassionate, forgiving and merciful, then we have not truly experienced Divine Mercy.

Desert blooms

Do you ever feel that whatever you do in life is not good enough, or that you are not as good as you wish to be, be it abilities, capabilities, accomplishments, intelligence, social aptitude or spiritual maturity?

I just came home from an afternoon in the CGS (Catechesis of the Good Shepherd) atrium where I felt defeated by a bunch of three to six year olds. I was not patient enough. I did not give enough Montessorian freedom. I did not handle a situation well as in I ended up taking on an authoritarian role, bringing forth high aggression. I felt like a complete failure (my only grace is I kept my cool and kept praying for wisdom to know what to do in a rapidly deteriorating situation even as we eyeballed each other).

I am so glad we are in Easter for the message of the season helps me move on. Resurrection. New life. I so need that, especially after this afternoon.

As Pope Francis put it in his Easter blessing, His first Urbi et Orbi, that Jesus is risen "means that the love of God is stronger than evil and death itself; it means that the love of God can transform our lives and let those desert places in our hearts bloom."

Resurrection implies that "Jesus did not return to his former life, to earthly life, but entered into the glorious life of God and he entered there with our humanity, opening us to a future of hope." I definitely hope that I do better in the near future for throwing in the towel is not an option even as I feel much like it.

I must remember that "the power of the Resurrection, this passover from slavery to evil to the freedom of goodness, must be accomplished in every age, in our concrete existence, in our everyday lives. How many deserts, even today, do human beings need to cross!"

The deserts, as Pope Francis goes on to identify, are the deserts within: "...when we have no love for God or neighbour, when we fail to realize that we are guardians of all that the Creator has given us and continues to give us. God’s mercy can make even the driest land become a garden, can restore life to dry bones (cf. Ez 37:1-14)."

Thus, the way I can accept the grace of Christ’s Resurrection fully in my life, in the Pope's words, is to be renewed by God’s mercy and to be loved by Jesus, allowing the power of his love to transform my life so that I can become an agent of this mercy and a channel through which God can water the earth, protect all creation and make justice and peace flourish.

Can my desert places bloom? Yes, if I believe in Jesus, His resurrection, the whole Easter story, then I can also spiritually resurrect from my failures, my low self-worth and lack of confidence, and keep moving forward.

For as Robert Frost wrote:

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,     
And miles to go before I sleep.

 

Intimate. Deep. Passionate.

There is something to be said for attending the Good Friday Passion service in Mandarin. As I understood maybe 40 per cent of what was said, I had to be extremely attentive to follow what was going on, which I could, for I was familiar with the Passion reading. And because I was so focused on the proceedings, it became more real for me than it usually is. What made it special as well was that it was sung in Mandarin quite beautifully.

On Easter morning itself, I literally felt a thrill of joy as I sang the first Alleluia (at an English-speaking mass celebrated by Monsignor Paul Russell). I could really rejoice that Jesus died and rose again, conquering the death of sin so that I can be part of God's eternal plan of salvation.

I was joyful that He has given me and my brothers, the incredible gift of my mother. I was glad that my parents have given the four of us the prize of their faith and that we were all in God's house together as a family, giving thanks for my mother on her 80th birthday (Dad would have been ecstatic if he were around).

The movement from physical as well as spiritual, emotional and psychological darkness to light in John's Gospel is experienced profoundly by the three protagonists. Monsignor Russell invited each of us to see who we were, of the three people standing at the empty tomb.

Was our faith at the level where we loved Jesus so intimately, deeply and passionately that we could believe the impossible more easily and quickly? Did we allow ourselves to die to self and our human beliefs and thus be able to walk forward in buoyant hope and joy?

While I profess to love Him in an intimate, deep and passionate way, I often fall prey to believing my way is best and I forge ahead instead of letting Him take charge. The fear of the murky unknown makes me struggle instead of submitting the future into His hands. 

When I finally submit my fears and my ego, and rely on Him completely, He never fails to respond in ways that are astounding and outstanding. I then ask myself why I worried and fussed so much for He always comes through in aces.

This trip to Taipei was one such example. More than usual, I wanted things to be perfect, for my Mum, thus I was beset with many fears and what ifs. So when I hit roadblocks, I would initially dig in my heels in stiff outrage. It was good that I continually offered this trip up to Him for I knew it could only be perfect if He was in charge. And it was. Perfect.

Everything came together like clockwork. The apartment was perfectly located - near restaurants, shops, and most importantly, Holy Family Church (how cool is that?). We got around like a dream because my sister-in-law is proficient in Mandarin and my eldest bro is like a human GPS.

We met many people who were friendly, helpful and just so hospitable. It was a little drizzly but pleasantly cool and the rain did not deter us from enjoying Taipei much. We managed to find good food, although we all need to detox for a week for we ate way too much cholesterol-laden food.

Best of all, it's been great coming together as a family and spending time doing stuff as one cohesive unit. Mum really enjoyed having all of us chatting and laughing together, as did I.

We four are "the manifestations of my parents' love" as my father was fond of reminding us. This time, it was she who reminded us that we must stick together in love, as my father used to exhort us through those years of growing up.

While we may argue and have our differences (we each have a very distinctive point of view), I hope my brothers know how much I love them, and that I would do anything for them. For having experienced the selfless and generous love of Jesus in my life, and having a living and breathing relationship with Him makes me want to share this love with everyone in my life, especially my loved ones. My family.  

May your Easter be as special as mine has been and may we all continue to luxuriate in the glory of this Easter season in our individual lives as we gaze at Jesus with the intimacy, depth and passion of love.

Passion kind of love

It has been a special Holy Week for me as I prepared for a family vacation in Taipei. For it will be the first time in decades that all my brothers and I will gather together in another country with my mother (sadly without my father, but with the wonderful addition of my sister-in-law) on vacation. The last time the entire family was together was probably when I was a teenager.

Amidst the joy of preparing for such a rare celebration of life, the 80 years that my mother will have spent on this earth, come Easter Sunday, I have been trying to prepare my heart for the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus, His death on the cross.

Through the week I have, by chance, met friends and neighbours who each shared their personal stories. What has struck me in their sharing is their great faith that is sustaining them through such difficult times. That even though they live so closely within the shadow of death, the joy of living has not been diminished and their lives have become acts of love and faithfulness.

It reminded me again of what Father Arro had shared with us during his talk on the Stations of the Cross - that amidst all the horrific suffering and humiliation of the Passion, the leifmotif and coda of the whole story is about love.

Love indeed conquers all, including death, and leads us to the new life of the resurrection. That is the reason why love is so sought after by everyone, for it is potent, an elixir of life.

We each crave the love of one special person in our lives, a person who will indeed die for us as they live for us in the good times. This kind of love is one that is not truly found in the peaks of the romantic honeymoon moments, but is mostly forged in the flat prairies of humdrum, everyday life and the rocky valleys of discord, illness, suffering and loss.

Jesus Himself shows us what love is truly about. That love is not just extravagant (having one's feet anointed with costly perfume) or exulting (receiving the affirmation of palm-waving crowds), but excruciating and humiliating as well, as evidenced by the Passion. He did not run away even though He knew what was in store for Him.

True love will require us to sweat blood out of anguish and fear, and yet, if we deem it a worthwhile endeavour, then we will be given the ability to live out the Gethsemane moments of our lives with fortitude and deep hope; to live out our Passion experiences with grace. P and L were proof of that when they spoke to me.

As I spend this Good Friday with my family in Taipei, I would like to pray this psalm, and hope that I will reflect the love of Jesus in some small measure this triduum, even as I can never match the depth of His love for me. I know I can never die for Him as He has died for me:  

In you, O LORD, I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
In your justice rescue me.
Into your hands I commend my spirit; 

The greatness of loss

Earlier this week, my iPad winked out on and refused to come to life anymore. When I visited the service centre and had to surrender it in order to arrange for a replacement, it was literally a heart-wrenching moment.

My iPad had been an extension of me. It was a repository of books, photos, videos, notes, manuals, uke tabs... things that are of great relevance and meaning to my life, and I, of course, did not back up... hence my anguish. Hours and hours of note-taking and work gone - in a blink. I could cry a month of Sundays.

It has been difficult for me to feel grateful that I am getting my replacement iPad for free, being within the last two weeks of the warranty period. Not even knowing that nothing I really valued and lost could not be re-created could stop me from mourning.

In the scheme of life, the demise of my iPad is inconsequential. And yet, losses, even small ones, can be keenly felt. But because I know it is my fault for not backing up, I am bearing it with a serves-you-right stoicism.

Being messy and disorganized, I tend to lose things all the time. The standing joke at home is that Saint Anthony is my favourite saint as I seek his intercession frequently.

Loss is part of life (of course, in my case, it could be reduced significantly if I were more neat and organized). While never welcome, loss can be cleansing and healing, a catalyst for growth. If allowed to be a movement towards new possibilities, it can be an ever-bubbling source of creativity, leading to new discoveries, especially self-discovery.

Loss tests and celebrates the resilience of the human spirit, spring-boarding us to new heights and fresh accomplishments. The trick, though, is to soldier on out of mourning, transforming bitter seeds of sorrow and regret into courage, and a tensile resolve to venture into unknown and strange territory, armed mainly with faith.

Even in my darkest hour of catastrophic loss, my faith has been a lighthouse of hope, guiding me to safe and unimagined new passages. I knew that I was not alone, and that I would never be alone. Jesus was present: in the loving concern of family and friends, the spiritually nourishing and edifying Eucharist, and the mostly unacknowledged beauty of each successive sunrise.

The silent, desolate plains of loneliness were an invitation to go deep into my pain, walk around in it reflectively, then surrender it to the Almighty, and in the process, begin to perceive the upwelling of inner strength that have lain dormant thus far.

My epic losses have evolved into rivers of wisdom and compassion that allow me to bring refreshment to others as they stumble in the wastelands of their grief and anger. How great is that, even as I am humbled that I can be of help?

Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet says this of joy and sorrow:

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain...
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall
find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall
see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

I find this to be profoundly true for the losses in my life had given me an increased capacity for gratitude and joy.

In the final analysis, loss can be a great thing for it can propel us to greatness; as it can manifest as lightning rods of clarity and epiphany in the torrential downpours of life.

There are three things I learned from the death of my iPad:

1)  Do not get overly attached to material things. Brilliant as an iPad is, it is only a tool and an enabler. It is not an entity, a sentient being.

2)  Nothing is truly ever lost for the transience of life demands constant change. Hence the creative genius in each of us leads us to recover from loss in ways both inventive and marvellous. This is the great hope and mother of all payoffs.

3)  Be prepared always, like a wise bridesmaid. To live well (for me it is to be more organized and orderly), ready at any time to travel forward without any luggage. I am a pilgrim, and my journey here on earth is but a small step towards eternity, and a lifetime of perfect joy, with no loss.

 

Servant kingship

Among the many things Pope Francis did on his first day as pope was to drop by the place he was staying at previously to collect his belongings and pay his bill personally.

This is one of the many little ways in which he has already shown us what true leadership is all about, that leaders are people who must walk humbly by living, breathing and walking both their inner and external talk. Just as Christ did. And as followers of Christ, each of us would do well to follow in His footsteps.

The positions of power that are entrusted to us are not meant for self glorification, or merely a validation of one's abilities and capabilities, but are meant for us to step up to the plate, and exercise honour and responsibility in whatever we do.

Jesus was the ultimate servant king, a king who loved and cared for his people to the point of laying down his life. In baptism, we are each given that same mission of love, and as Monsignor Vaz shared last Thursday evening, us ordinary folk are not spared from this kingly office.

There are two aspects of kingship that belong uniquely to us, the laity: family life and temporal order. 

Within our families, we should edify and help each other grow in holiness by living out Christian principles. Parents, especially, demonstrate family governance (in cooperation with the Holy Spirit) by raising their children to be loving and giving men and women, walking in Christ's footsteps.

As for the rest of the time, we should engage in temporal affairs, directing them according to God's will. This means using our talents and working towards the right governance and ordering of society according to Gospel principles and the Social Teaching of the Church.

We need to embody everything that is good and beautiful about Christian virtue and put it into action in our daily living.

We need to fight the culture of death, so prevalent in the world today, by being the voice of the unborn, sick, elderly, displaced, poor, marginalized and the dying.

It is a gargantuan task, but as Father Arro said in his homily today, difficult does not mean impossible, especially if we walk with the Lord by our side.

In his first homily, Pope Francis echoed the primacy of Christ as we take on the role of co-workers and co-builders of the Kingdom:

"We can journey as much as we want, we can build many things, but if we do not confess Jesus Christ, the thing does not work. We will become a welfare NGO but not the Church, the Bride of Christ. When we do not journey, we stop. When we do not build upon the stones, what happens? Everything collapses, loses its consistency, like the sandcastles that children build on the beach. When we do not confess Jesus Christ, I am reminded of the words of Léon Bloy: “Whoever does not pray to the Lord, prays to the devil.” When we do not confess Jesus Christ, we confess the worldliness of the devil, the worldliness of the demon.

"When we journey without the cross, when we build without the cross and when we confess a Christ without the cross, we are not disciples of the Lord: we are worldly, we are bishops, priests, cardinals, popes, but not disciples of the Lord.

I would like for us all, after these days of grace, to have courage, precisely the courage, to walk in the Lord’s presence, with the cross of the Lord; to build the Church upon the blood of the Lord, which was poured out on the cross; and to confess the only glory there is: Christ crucified. And in this way the Church will go forward."

To add one last thought to the words of Pope Francis which comes from Father Arro's talk on the Stations of the Cross this afternoon, rather than just focus on Christ's suffering in His Passion, we should reflect more on the love He showed us, right to the very end.

The immensity of that love is the glory of God perfected in our world of sin and imperfection. As disciples of the Servant King, we can but strive for that perfection.

Habemus Papam

We have a new pope! Pope Francis, who is a Jesuit and formerly Archbishop of Buenos Aires. I am elated by the news for I have, like millions around the world, been praying for our next shepherd these last two weeks.

That he is named for Francis of Assisi, a saint I admire for his radicality in embracing poverty is encouraging. By all accounts, Pope Francis lives out this virtue of humility daily, to the point of taking the bus to work.

I look forward to how our newly minted pontiff will guide us through the waters of change. As Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI pointed out when he stepped down, Christ has not left the boat and the Holy Spirit will continue to be the wind the steers the Church forward even in vastly troubled times.

We are reminded, more than ever, as we approach the end of Lent and begin meditating on the Passion, that our beliefs can lead to crucifixion for we believe in the crucified Christ. Thus the question of What is truth is fundamental to how we live out our faith.

Is there truth in our beliefs? Or do we let relativism colour our thoughts, words and actions?

The Woman to Woman Ministry is reflecting on Pilate this Friday and how Pilate asked that question of Jesus, without making a full-hearted attempt at pursuing truth to the end.

Here is a man who obviously knew that Jesus had not committed any crime that required Him to be put to death. And yet, he allowed the fear of revolt and political chaos guide him to sacrifice the life of one innocent man.

Are we like Pilate, swayed by the lay of the land, the zeitgeist of our social, professional and political worlds, to make decisions that have no truth in them? Or do we live according to what our conscience dictates, with no fear of persecution or hate?

Pope Francis will, no doubt, face future criticism for pushing the agenda of truth in a world whose beliefs are tainted by growing secularism and crumbling morality, thus my prayer for him is for continued good health, supernatural courage and abundant humility in the months and years ahead.

Viva il Papa.