Prayer pearls

Ever feel like your life is spinning out of control and you just can't seem to get a handle on things? I constantly feel that way. More so now when I am rabidly auditing courses and preparing for an exam.

I don't seem to be able to accomplish all the things I want to in a day and I wonder is it only due to my poor time management or is it life interrupting as it will and there is nothing I can really do about it. It is probably a combination of both, I suspect.

There are days I feel that everyone wants a part of me and I cannot, and am not, willing to give it all away. And I should not. (Even if I wanted to, my body shrieks its protest much too loudly for me to ignore its warning.)

Talking to N convinced me if you expend all your energy towards giving everything to your loved ones, saving nothing for yourself, you will crash and burn, which she did last week. Physically she was not 100 per cent and emotionally she was depleted. She felt empty and achingly lonely. She, of course, plummeted into depression.

Then I spoke with J who out of loneliness is doing something which I feel is sailing too close to the wind. Worrying on many levels.

J, N and I share many things in common. We are all busy single women who strive to be available to the people around us and we all juggle too many balls consequently. Saying no to people is tough for us for we all want to help everyone we see in need of help.

Balance is not something any of us achieves with any measure of success unfortunately. This leaves us frequently drained and oftentimes wanting to be loved as we love others - wholeheartedly, unreservedly.

We are always taking care of others. It would be nice if someone took care of us, for a change; for it is hard to muster the energy to be good to our own bodies, much less pamper ourselves (and if we do something for ourselves, it is usually too self-indulgent to be considered healthy).

It is a dangerous state of being for it often leads to decisions that are dodgy and absent of true wisdom. Here is where prayer, or spending time with the man who loves me in the way I want is vital.

Jesus time is my protection against temptation, my own failings, blind spots, deep frustration, bitterness, unforgiveness and despair.

In May Gibbs' world of gumnut babies, there is a character named Little Obelia who is renowned for her wisdom. Whenever she needs clarity or insight, she retires to her thinking room and counts her pearls in solitude.

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Like Little Obelia, prayer time is my time to count my pearls. To see where it was in the day that God's Spirit was present and to give thanks for those sacred moments.

And if there is something that caused me distress or of which I cannot make sense of, then, somehow, prayer alters my perception so that I can view it with more objectivity, kindness and patience. My outlook is transformed. As William Blake wrote, my cleansed doors of perception allow me to see infinity. Thus, I am not so sour, jaded or POed.

It is at times like this, when I am deadly tired and given to grouchiness and dark thoughts that counting my pearls is as necessary as breathing.

I become centred. I am given night vision. My heart is eased. All because I allow Him to show me how much He loves me.

He is my prayer pearl of great price. 

Desert leanings

The season of Lent can be likened to a desert experience for we are called to make prayer, fasting and alms-giving the focus of our lives during these 40 days before Easter.

It is a call to give up the indulgences of "soft living" and pay attention to the poor, sick and needy among us. To reflect on how love can be self-sacrificing to the point of death and to wonder if we ourselves are capable of such depths of love. 

I haven't been as attentive as I would like in allowing the stillness of prayer to permeate my being, and I should, for it is an opportunity to be refreshed, nourished and strengthened, as Father Adrian reminded me last week, when I choose the better part, which is to sit at the feet of our Lord quietly. 

However, when I do allow myself to be mindful of the Lord's presence in my life, I have been rewarded with the ability to be grateful for small mercies and to be awed by how He can use me to make a significant difference in someone's life.  

For me, Lent is a time to say yes in an even bigger way to finding out who I am and what I am made of - to test my own limits and to challenge myself to go beyond my comfort zone. 

At the heart of Lent is the call to be more human. To find my place in this world and to claim it with courage, fortitude, discipline and zest even though I may be scared, alone, thirsty and tired.  

  

As I face a daunting week ahead of me, I know that my best choice this week is to enter the desert frequently and allow the silence to be transformed into the living water that sustains me.  

Gratitude and forgiveness revisited

Today I was paid an indirect compliment by my Third Aunt which is a rare occurrence for affirmation is not common practice among old school Asian families.

I have been spending time with her lately, helping her recuperate from a tumble down the stairs she took a month ago that has left her with two fractured vertebrae and a couple of cracked ribs.

Apart from the fact I genuinely want to see her get better, I am also motivated by something else, that through my visits to my aunt, I can still actively love and honour my father who always placed his family above his own comfort.

Every time I visit his sister, he continues to be alive and well in my heart for I know visiting Third Aunt would have made him happy, if he were still here. This, for me, is a great consolation.

Although we did not have the most equable father-daughter relationship, I am grateful for all he has done for me, something that only now in his absence do I truly appreciate, and therefore try to honour.

Martin Seligman, a proponent of positive psychology, believes people can learn how to increase their happiness quotient. In his book Authentic Happiness, he identifies in chapter five two ways of bringing "feelings of the past" into the "region of contentment and satisfaction".

"Gratitude amplifies the savoring and appreciation of the good events gone by, and rewriting history by forgiveness loosens the power of the bad events to embitter (and actually can transform bad memories into good one)."

My father was wonderful in many ways, but was, at the same time, an ogre to live with frequently. Making the conscious choice to forgive him when I was in my late twenties was possibly one of the best decisions I made in life for it enabled me to empathize with him and thereby judge him through different and kinder eyes.

Forgiveness allowed me to have a better relationship with Dad until his death: I was thankful for the good days as and when they presented themselves, and I was able to draw out lessons from the bad ones once I let go of my anger and bitterness.

As Seligman proposed, forgiveness and gratitude do point the way toward happiness. For Christians, the concepts of forgiveness and gratitude are far from revolutionary. Jesus espoused both in His time and encouraged us to do likewise. Not just because it is the better choice that will lead us to heaven, but rather it was part of His plan to give us life to the full. So that we may experience contentment, peace and happiness.

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good.

Religious experience

I just spent last weekend attending Margaret Silf's Landscapes of Prayer retreat at the Centre for Ignatian Spirituality and Counselling and it was an unbelievable religious experience. A total high.

No, I didn't go into a trance or work myself into a frenzy as if I were one of ten thousand screaming fans at a rock concert. Neither did I ingest or do anything that induced my state of euphoria that has lasted past the retreat.

It started with a genuine desire to hear God's point of view on my life and I simply gave Him the time and space to talk to me in the silence.

I came to this semi-directed retreat with a question that was causing me some distress and a steely determination to be as open-minded as my stubborn streak would allow.

As Margaret led us through the nine landscapes from her book Landscapes of Prayer, I journeyed from a garden with a winter-dead patch into a cave with a lagoon of calm, beauty and light in its centre  (much like the limestone hongs I visited off the east coast of Phuket).

Confusion gave way to clarity over the weekend as I let go of outdated ideas, past relationship hurts and misguided beliefs that have made themselves a comfortable home in my psyche.

As I meditated on some of the nine landscapes Margaret presented to the group, I found new life, keen insight and fresh inspiration.

I was drawn into a deeper intimacy with our amazing Creator as He invited me to trust Him with a child-like trust, one that bypasses my adult preponderance to fall back on known experiences and to question miracles.

D made a comment this evening that the intellect hinders one from really knowing God, especially when we engage in the academic pursuit of knowing God, not realizing that head knowledge can sometimes push us further away from God.

What I cherished about this retreat was the simplicity of the ideas presented and the subsequent invitation to find God in the beauty of the created world by revisiting familiar haunts of prayer in the mystery of stillness.

Ultimately, it was in allowing God to show me how much He loved me and the way He then proceeded to do so that blew my mind.

Contrary to what the world thinks, religious experiences are not that hard to come by, it just requires us to sit still, and in the ensuing silence, to let God do all the talking.

Dress code for Christians

When the story of a woman parishioner who was told her dressing was not appropriate for attending mass made it to the local newspaper, I was confounded for she was, in my opinion, decently dressed in every sense of the word.

It was a modern sam foo (Oriental top and pants) with three-quarter instead of full-length pants. Rather cute, I thought, and I could not quite see why it did not pass muster.

The debate about dressing (which preceded the article), what is appropriate and what is not, has been going on for years with no real outcome, as yet. There may be one soon if the Archdiocese of Singapore does decide to respond seriously on this issue, and I sincerely hope they do not.

First off, I do think there are more worthwhile issues to debate about than clothing - like global warming or social injustice and what can responsible Catholics do about it - although I do agree that some people are clad inappropriately for mass, albeit a minute percentage of the congregation.

We are also kind of missing the point when we start to criticize and pass judgement on the sartorial choices of fellow churchgoers. Too-revealing or sloppy dressing may be a religious fashion faux pas but it is no sin.

And surely what is more important is that the person actually made it to church with a heart for worship than what the person is wearing.

During the last Bible Timeline talk, Jeff Cavins gave me new insights on what being a Pharisee meant. The word itself means to separate and the Pharisees were originally set apart due to weakness, which they instead wore as a badge of honour.

The Pharisees took pride in fulfilling the Law of Moses to the letter, dotting every single I and crossing every last T, forgetting that what was most important was the spirit of the Law. Hence they despised Jesus who had expert knowledge of the Law and could challenge their exacting interpretation of the law while breaking the rules out of love and compassion.

He who dined with prostitutes who were probably immodest in dress and behaviour. Scandalous and unacceptable.

Cavins challenged us by asking us did we separate ourselves like the Pharisees, not living in the world as we are not of this world? Is Christianity about exclusivity, about what we do not or cannot do, or it is more about empowerment and what we do and can do?

Do we want people to know Jesus through us in a way that inspires love, hope and ultimately faith, or do we want them to stay away, put off by our spiritual bad breath?

Certainly there is a right and wrong way of doing things, a way that brings us closer or further away from God, but the best and only way to lead others to God is through Jesus and His loving and creative ways.

It is perhaps most appropriate then to dress ourselves in Christ's humility, compassion, openness of heart and wisdom.

Alien door

We have begun a new year of formation in the Woman to Woman Ministry and we are doing Joyce Rupp's Open the Door.

In this book we are invited to reflect on the symbolism of doors and what doors mean in our lives. This six-week prayer guide is designed to identify where we are on our individual spiritual walk, what are possible blocks to growth, possible truths we have been ignoring or rationalizing, and how we can be open to change.

Change is never easy for it calls for us to be receptive, flexible, honest with ourselves, humble, and most of all, courageous.

The alien door is the door which represents the unwanted pieces of our life. As each woman shared their "homework" last night, it is clear that facing the less than desirable truths of our lives can be painful, confusing and difficult to acknowledge.

Identifying what my alien door was threw me for a loop and evoked in me a mixture of shame and sadness, that I can still be so dysfunctional. And yet, I know, with the Almighty by my side, I may be down but not out, not by a long shot.

If I choose to befriend my shadows, then in time, and after much application, I will be empowered to grow beyond my current limiting behaviour. And I will be free.

Alien door
Its appearance fills me with foreboding.
Unspeakable horrors could lurk beyond
And yet, I am strangely attracted
To its stern but inviting exterior,
Its comforting mahogany strength that gleams
Wickedly in the shadows as shards of light
Pierce through the spaces between width and frame;
Divine beams that could shrivel my soul with truth.
The question is: should I venture forward or not?
Nothing gained if I don't, as the saying goes,
I pause, say a prayer, push open wide and enter_
A world searingly raw,
Awkward and most uncomfortable.
Out of kilter I feel vulnerable as a newborn baby
Scared and bereft
Without the swaddling of my comfort zone.
Why am I doing this? I ask for the gadzillionth time.
Do I really need to stretch and to grow?
Especially since I've ignored this alien door
For so long. What's another day?
Another year? Another lifetime?
Let me come back when I feel up to it...
Despite my weak, totally lame, excuses,
I know in my heart of hearts that
I don't want to live in darkness anymore,
Staring at the door with its promise
Of light and life from the outside,
Paralyzed by fear, leery of pain
Even though I know it is part and parcel
Of change, that will transform my world
Into a place of blessing - if I so choose.
So what will it be? To stay or to retreat?
I think, this time, I will tarry.
Thankful to the One who brought me here.
Into the inner courts of His temple
Where freedom roams and love abounds.
How lovely is your dwelling place, 
O Lord of hosts!
I think that I will stay.

Best choices

I have been unusually busy from the moment January rolled around and the pace has not let up since. Busy is good for if I don't work, I don't get paid. As always I am awed at how God takes care of my needs without me even saying a word for I was not working most of December.

Ever since I quit corporate life, I have learned what providence truly means for even through the initial difficult times, He has always made sure I had enough, just as He provided manna, quail and water for the Israelites as they wandered in the desert.

We are given many things in life, talents, gifts, and yet, often we take them for granted and look at what we do not have and crib about it. Worse, we waste the talents we have, never taking time to develop them.

Aside for developing talents, it's equally important to develop the proper life skills or a good navigation system, in order to live a rich and meaningful life. Whether it's a value or belief system, a moral code that we live by, we all need integration of reason, will and emotions in order to consistently make good decisions in life.

The sudden death of Whitney Houston has sent shock waves around the world and the prevailing reaction (the autopsy report is not yet out) is that it is drug-related due to the singer's past struggles with substance and alcohol abuse.

Houston's songs are woven into the fabric of my young adult years and I am greatly saddened her incredible talent and beauty could not overcome addictions that diminished her vocal gift and possibly took her life.

Two weeks ago, Father David shared a Spanish saying: If you don't live according to your beliefs, you end up living according to your deeds.

As he pointed out, no one starts out in life desiring to be a thief or an alcoholic. However, the choices we make in life will reinforce subsequent choices and that is how habits, beliefs and finally character are formed.

There are no short cuts to making good decisions in life for they are, not uncommonly, hard decisions, and may require much time, hard work, to bear fruit. Wisdom and fortitude are absolutely necessary to keep on the right path, while temperance and a developed sense of justice help minimize the inevitable internal struggles and conflicts one encounters.

And when one begins to despair of ever seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, it is faith, hope and love that ultimately keep one on the right track. (I know I am boringly repetitive but I am sold on virtues as being the answer to living a fulfilling life.)

It will be, by no means, an easy journey for living "good" is often unglamorous, thankless, pedestrian and draining. Good choices even call for supreme sacrifice at times, and supernatural strength (which thankfully is provided by dint of grace), but they are satisfying, mind, body and soul. And, they keep us in right and tight relationship with Jesus - always a good thing, in my book.  

To show that I do not take what is given to me lightly, I strive constantly to be a good person, one who lives out my beliefs in thought, word and deed.

I may not always be successful - integration being a life-long endeavour - but I know He will provide the means to a perfect end each time. And if I follow His lead, I will invariably make good, and even the best choices in life.

Making it work

I have always liked Project Runway's Tim Gunn for he is understatedly elegant in style and manner, proffering sage advice to contestants without being destructive.

I like him even more when I read about his candid and courageous disclosure on the show The Revolution that he had not had sex for 29 years and that he was a perfectly happy, fulfilled person.

Do I feel like less of a person for it? No! Not even remotely. I have feelings, it's not as though I am some barren forest.


Thank you, Tim, for having the guts to point out that chastity is not such a bad thing and is incidental when it comes to self-fulfilment and happiness.

Why do we allow culture to tell us what will bring us happiness and fulfilment? We often forget that fanning the flames of a sex-obsessed culture is the multi-million dollar sex industry that thrives on the sexual objectification of the human body.

Loneliness is real but what most people do not realize is that loneliness cannot be erased by a surfeit of sexual activity and that the pleasure derived from sexual promiscuity blights one's humanity and is highly addictive (thereby leading to a loss of freedom).

As GK Chesterton once said: Every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God.

What we crave in life is intimacy and union with God for that is how we are created. However, when we do not acknowledge the presence of God in our lives, we sometimes allow loneliness to obscure the truths in our lives and misdirect our desires.

Loneliness, which is part of the nature of humankind, can actually be a creative force that drives us to transcend ourselves and to bring out the best of our humanity - more so if we allow God to lead us through that particular dark valley.

A life well-lived is one where one makes the best of one's life regardless of how many times a week one has sex or not and Tim has definitely made his life work for him.

If only most of the modern world would realize that, too.

Wordless perfect

As always, baby bro and I have conversations on life when we meet, and I am always stimulated and sometimes challenged by his perspectives on life.

I find words a poor tool to convey what is in my heart for what is most profound is always hardest to articulate, especially when it is to a loved one where communication is invariably coloured by the past.

How do I explain to him my "religious fanatic" bent: my whole-hearted adherence and participation in traditions and rites of the Catholic Church that seem so rigid and ridiculous in the modern world? How do I express the deep peace and ineffable joy I experience from being loved by a man whom I cannot touch and see?

Where do I begin to bridge the inevitable differences in perspectives? What must I do to communicate to him I do not judge him, but instead, love him, and as a natural outpouring of that love, want only the best for him, which also requires me to speak the unpalatable truth at times?

I do not set out to convert him or anyone else in this world because I want to save their souls - that would be insufferable arrogance - but because my faith in Christ has led to me to discover such beauty, goodness and wisdom that gets me all excited, I want passionately to share the treasures I have found.

The gifts of faith, hope, love, peace and joy - all the things we each seek in life as necessary for our physical and spiritual well-being are there for the picking on the tree of Christianity that yields life-giving and delicious fruit.

I long to exclaim, "It doesn't have to be this way!" whenever I encounter timidity, fear, bitterness, despair and hatred of those who think God is a tyrant or a waste of time or that Church is irrelevant.

And to repair the damage done by Christians who behave without love, compassion, generosity and integrity, thereby tarnishing the awesomeness of Christianity.

God is so much more than what our human minds can perceive and grasp but the good news is Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit can help us understand and experience that which brings us life.

As with any relationship, it requires us  to do our part. When we value a relationship we nurture it by giving it proper time and attention. We find every mundane detail of a lover fascinating and seek to know more.

If we do the same with Jesus we would be blown away. I am, every day, when I give Him time to tell me how much He loves me. And it is His unconditional love and faith in me that inspires me to reach for the stars, to demand happiness and satisfaction in life, to not settle for second best at all; to live life to the full, to be gloriously free.

The personal revelations I receive convince me that the Tradition and Teaching of the Church hold great wisdom that when applied to my life, point me towards the path of self-fulfilment and fruition.

Even the hard-hitting "rules" when studied and analyzed, uncover that love was their foundation and they actually help guide us to be more human.
 
So what happens when words fail and we sit at perceived opposite ends of the table and I am tempted to walk away? Here is where I am challenged to put out my hand in love and grasp his. To put aside my pride and to just let God sit with us and do His thing.

It is enough that we, bro and I, know we love each other. In such instances, words are not needed.

Food tradition

It's been an incredibly busy time. Cooking and cleaning require more time and effort than I can remember. I am absolutely knackered but at the same time, I am glad I did it.

Although I chose to go fusion for lunch today, I madly created a menu that required a lot of prep work. I am thankful things turned out fairly well (so glad my sister-in-law offered her services today despite being under the weather).

Cooking is, for me, one of the most visible acts of love I can bestow on those I love for cooking was a major expression of love for my father who had a extremely refined palate and it is now a family tradition I like to honour, especially during festive seasons.

There is also a sense of continuity in cooking special dishes my grandmother prepared for the family that I first tasted as a child. This was especially so when I could offer my Fifth Aunt from England a soup she had not tasted in years, one that represents our Cantonese heritage.

As you may have caught on by now, food is so much more than mere sustenance to me for the art of eating well is not just about dining on exquisitely prepared cuisine, but it's equally the sense of occasion in every meal, enhanced by the sense of intimacy and union that comes from eating together food that was lovingly prepared from scratch, something that is often overlooked and not cultivated.

Just as we come to the Supper of the Lamb with reverence, we would do well to find the sense of sacred in every meal by inviting Jesus to sit and dine with us as He did in the past with prostitutes and tax collectors (we are not any better).

As such, I give thanks for having had the opportunity to sit down with family this Lunar New Year and celebrate our lives together.

New year abundance

I am finally getting into Lunar New Year mode and I am actually enjoying it. Even the spring-cleaning is satisfying although not exactly fun. Friends and baby bro have been converging slowly and it's great to play catch-up.

A huge component of the LNY is cooking and the family gathering around the dining table to finally tuck into the delicious spread after being tantalized by the appetising aromas wafting from the kitchen since early afternoon.

The scents and the tastes of the LNY bring me back to childhood days and powerful memories of my grandmother, and later my father, who prepared the food for the reunion feast so lovingly and painstakingly.

I find the Lunar New Year a great metaphor for life: sweeping out the old and ushering in the new with great pomp and ceremony. It marks the seasons of life clearly and allows one the chance for renewal and to make right what wasn't in the previous year.

It's also about bringing people together, to honour family traditions and the values of filial piety and family unity; a multi-generational celebration of life.

Although the symbolism of the LNY centres around financial prosperity and abundance, it's a good reminder that we should live life with abundance spiritually and emotionally as well.

Today's readings help me walk along the path of abundance.

The first reading is from Jonah and reminds us of the value of repentance as experienced by the inhabitants of Nineveh.

The second is from St. Paul reminding us that time is running out and we need to be mindful of how we live out the time we have been allotted.

And the Gospel is from Mark: an invitation from Jesus to the disciples to be fishers of men.

Repentance is important, for like it or not, we will sin, as long as we are alive. And yet, it is not something we dwell upon much if we can help it.

I used to think it's okay to remain mired in sin for as long as it affords me some happiness, I am willing to bear the consequences when I eventually stood at the pearly gates. I was beyond redemption anyway, so why bother? And of course the longer I stayed away, the harder it was for me to turn around and return to God.

Then I progressed to cutting myself a break when I sinned. "I am not perfect and besides, I will be forgiven for God is all merciful." This attitude encouraged me to  be complacent and not work harder at eradicating a particular weakness or acquiring a certain virtue.

Repentance is not easy for pride makes it hard for us to admit that something is indeed wrong with our behaviour and that change is needed. And even when we know we need to alter our behaviour, we hide behind a host of rationalizations and just park, refusing to get onto the freeway that leads to freedom.

We choose to ignore that time is running out for every day we delay a positive response, it is one more day we deny ourselves the opportunity to live abundantly.

Metanoia, an internal change, repentance is needed. To see with the eyes of the heart. This can only happen when I come clean with Jesus, humble myself and ask for forgiveness. The funny thing is when I am able to do this, I am no longer bound by sin or wallowing in despair and hopelessness; I am given new heart.

New year. New life. It can happen for didn't Jesus say He came so that we may have life and to have it to the full?

I look forward to the promised abundance.      

Fully human

I have one resolution this year and it is that I become, and be, genuinely human every day.

What this means is to be human as Jesus Christ was, fully human, in that He knew exactly what every person He met needed in terms of loving encouragement and He changed the world of those who knew Him radically by challenging them with the truth.

He brought healing, affirmation, freedom, hope and joy wherever He went. Those who connected with Him could see their own potentialities and could also take the first courageous step forward.

While I do not have His grasp of what it is to be authentically human, I seek an ever-evolving understanding and appreciation of what it means to be human.

Meditating on the life of writer and human rights activist Julia Esquivel at the Franciscan Missionaries of Mary's celebration of World Day of Peace on December 31st, I was inspired by her life and her writing. How can I be the change I want to see and make a positive difference like she did?

Often I think I am not able or capable of moving mountains and I don't try. I forget I am not called to accomplish great things, I am called to just be, to live with openness of heart and respond in faith, especially in the small things on a daily basis. And in saying yes to the small things, great things can and will happen. The perennial problem is knowing what to say yes to and what to refuse.

As Gaudium et Spes identified, there is a basic imbalance rooted in the heart of man, for in each of us, "many elements wrestle with one another". We experience limitations in many ways and yet, we are also boundless in our desires and summoned to a higher life.

What happens is that we often do what we would not, and fail to do what we would (even Saint Paul talks about this internal struggle). An example closer to home is that I started this entry on new year's day and I have been wanting to complete it since January 4th, but I have let myself be distracted by countless other things, while some were good, others were not exactly commendable.

These internal divisions each one of us has, arising from being "weak and sinful" contributes to many discords in society.

There is no simple antidote to the ills of the world, the violence and unrest, the social and financial inequities and the degenerative fragmentation of society that is fuelled largely by consumerism and secularization. However, Christ did come to save the world and if we believe in Him, then we have our part to play in bringing peace and justice through a Christian humanism that involves open and loving dialogue.

As Doctor Dominic Doyle commented during his talk on Christian Identity in Modern Culture, the point of dialogue is not conversion but understanding, an understanding that will lead to the discovery of a unitive common ground. But in order to have a fruitful dialogue, we must be grounded enough in the rich moral vocabulary of Catholicism so that we can make it relevant and alluring to the uninitiated.

Even as I work towards attaining the right words to engage in dialogue, I must work doubly hard to gain the sensitivity and wisdom needed to make every dialogue an enlightening and affirming one. I am still clumsy in my efforts although I may mean well, which can be disastrous.

I know I am ambitious in my bid to hone my humanity for it involves consistency especially in prayer, contemplation, and the cultivation of a humble, contrite heart coupled with an open spirit that does not judge, but I am determined to reach beyond myself.

And become more and more human.

Mystery marvellous

I just got back yesterday from Malacca after spending four days there with Mum. It was necessary and ultimately pleasant to take this last trip of the year, but I am physically exhausted.

Despite the multiple juggling acts I have been pulling this year that have led to this continual state of tiredness, it has been a good year.

Good in terms of learning, growing and a few accomplishments along the way that I am proud of, pre-eminently Matthew, my first book. Yes, he is finally published.

The year 2011 has been a cusp year for me. I feel like I have been in training and many things will take place in the new year, the fruit of all that I have been exposed to this year.

Chief among the things I am grateful for is the moral theology course I took, Personal Compass, which has been mind-blowing and I give thanks for dedicated and brilliant priests like Father David who promulgate everything that is wonderful about Catholicism.

Music is another gift I have been enjoying immensely. Since September, Kihana, my gorgeous tiger maple and spruce Kamoa ukulele, has been a twin source of frustration and joy. I have re-discovered the fun of music-making and it's been awesome for I have done things I used to dread, like leading praise and worship.

Even though I have not been as diligent about my prayer time as I would have liked, God has been ever faithful and I have been blessed with His love, time and again.

Through the year, I have come face to face with my less than desirable weaknesses, my horribleness, and He has shown me that He is capable of transforming my heart when I ask for His help; that change is possible if I am open to it. Ego and sin can be overcome. Virtues can be acquired.

But the biggest thing that I have learned this year is that the mystery of God is to be savoured in gratitude even when it is not fully comprehended.

I never like things to be open-ended but the deeper I go into my relationship with Jesus, the more I realize that even though I know this ending (I am the type to read the last pages of a book to satisfy my curiosity of what will happen in the end), the journey can be exciting and profound if I choose to let go of pre-conceived notions and all fear.

As my SD once told me, mystery is not meant to obfuscate, but rather it is an invitation to delve deeper and luxuriate in the beauty of God who cannot be bound by human definitions or limitations.

Father Stephen who helps seminarians discern their vocations had this to add, that in the matter of vocation, it will always be a mystery purely because we have to make concrete choices.

Without mystery, we will lack the conviction to choose and stick by our choices in life; to know that what we have chosen is truly an independent choice.

What James Marcia would term identity achievement (making a committed choice after exploring different identities) versus foreclosure (making a choice without any identity exploration).
In accepting that mystery is God's way and letting Him lead has been a great adventure for me this year even as it went counter to my intellectual inclinations.

Saying yes means an uncompromising yes to situations I dislike or avoid; yes to hard work and laborious commitment; and yes to discarding fear and the comfortable known world I inhabit.

It has also meant saying yes to being used as a channel of grace to incarnate and glorify Him; yes to growing my talents and gifts beyond expectation; and yes to awe, amazement, much joy and great satisfaction.

Every day I have a greater appreciation for the ingenuity of my Creator and I seek to know His ways even more so that I can be more like Him: wise, caring, loving and good for all those things to me represent happiness and contentment.

And I look forward to living mysteriously in 2012 for He has worked marvels for me this year.

Celebrating Christ's mass

I have been feeling empty, restless and most un-Christmassy these last few days. Partly due to the fact I am recovering from flu and the lack of sleep for two weeks, and partly because I have not devoted any quiet time to God.

It's so easy to get distracted by technology and TV, especially because I have not had Internet or phone access for 10 days. But these diversions do not fill me up and the song I sang at the MSSP Christmas celebration which is based on Saint Augustine's Confessions has come to my mind:

"And I'm restless, I'm restless, 'til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You... You are the keeper of my heart..."

It was a call to communion that went unheeded by me for reverse carolling was such a profound experience that I needed time away from it, time to let it sit in a corner quietly.

It was only at mass this morning that I was ready to ask questions about the emptiness in my heart and this is my conclusion:

The emptiness was necessary for me to allow Jesus to be born inside today. To experience the hope and joy of His birth in the wake of deep sadness felt at the abject poverty I had recently witnessed. And to realize that no matter how dark the world may be, there is a light shining, all because we were gifted with the birth of a child.

The words of Isaiah 9:6 came alive today:

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."

Come let us adore Him. 

Balikatan best

The reverse carolling this year was organized by the Balikatan Ministry who went to new areas in Montalban to suss out who were the "poorest of the poor" families that were open to listening to some carols and to prayer on 13th and 14th December.

Joscellan led my group while Vir was our untiring musician who almost lost his bike. Together with others members of the Balikatan Ministry, they awed me with their faith and their compassion in reaching out to the families we visited.

I thank them all for showing me that with God all things are possible.

Shoulder to shoulder we stand
As brothers and sisters in Christ
United in our shared suffering.
We help one another
Forge a community of love
For the light of Christ is with us
A light that warms our hearts
and brings us joy, even in the midst of misery.
We know that life is hard
But together we can overcome
New troubles that tomorrow may bring,
For He has already shown us
How much He loves us
Let us show you how much He loves you.

Balikatan means shoulder to shoulder in Tagalog and this ministry was initiated by Institute for World Evangelisation ICPE Mission Philippines to empower the poor in Montalban by walking with them and encouraging them on their faith journey. To read more about the Balikatan Ministry, go to:

http://icpephilippines.blogspot.com/search/label/balikatan%20ministry

Josephine's birthday

It was the day she was born, today.
A very special day and yet it seemed that
There was no reason to celebrate
No food in the house much less
A birthday cake.
Then they stopped by to say hello,
To sing a few Christmas carols
Which they sang enthusiastically
Quite lovely really; so what?
But then a kindly face, marked by poverty,
Smiled and asked if there was perhaps
A prayer intention or two
That the group might pray, for her and with her
In sincere solidarity.

The candle lit became the light of Christ
Bringing the warmth of His love and compassion
Into an otherwise dreary day.
He loves and cares for her. He must!
Why else would He send strangers
To sing a birthday song and wish her well
On this day that she was born.

Happy birthday Josephine!
He sent us to say He loves you
You are the very reason He was born into this world
To suffer and die so painfully.
You alone are the reason why Christmas exists.
We pray this message of love remains
Long after the food in the hamper is consumed.

Carolling lessons

I just returned home from reverse carolling in the Philippines early this morning. It was an intense 10-day period of activity so far from my normal life that I felt I was in another dimension where space and time expanded to condense a year's worth of living in that period.

Because it was my second time in three years, I knew what to expect, and yet, I feel that I gained more in terms of insight for familiarity allowed me a more incisive perspective. Reflection yielded revelations of breadth and uncommon depth.

First off, there was a sense of homecoming as I slipped into community life with the four Institute for World Evangelisation ICPE missionaries and with six other volunteers from Singapore.

The faith dimension (daily mass, regular prayer, evening sharing and spiritual journalling) transformed the outreach, turning it from self-serving social work into a constant flow of grace, where the hand of God was visibly present.

More than just visiting disadvantaged families to sing carols and leave them with a Christmas food hamper, reverse carolling was an invitation to each of us who participated in this outreach to open our hearts and enthrone the Christ child, and let Him work through us.

So that with each family we visited, we were able to personally bring God's love to them as we prayed with them as fellow brothers and sisters.

Without this openness to the Holy Spirit, then we were merely on a feel-good mission trip that gives us something to talk about when we returned home to our comfortable homes, to tell people, "I did something good for the poor this Christmas!"

Without the continual focus on Jesus, I would have fallen into cynical despair or callous indifference for there was just too much ugliness, deprivation and injustice before my eyes.

The contrast of the beautiful fresh faces of the children with the prematurely aged, dull-eyed adults was stark.

The dark, bare hovels we visited reeked of suffering and hopelessness.

No one deserves to be dumped like garbage and forgotten, as these people were in Montalban, or to be ignored by the rich who lived side by side the poor in Tagaytay.

The words of Pope Benedict XVI in defending the need for the service of love in societies and the need for the additional social principle of gratuity rang true:

"There will always be suffering which cries out for consolation and help. There will always be loneliness. There will always be situations of material need where help in the form of concrete love of neighbour is indispensable."

My ultimate challenge is to continue to respond to the cries for help and for consolation around me, wherever I am, abroad or at home.

I am grateful for the lessons reverse carolling have taught me this year and I thank God for meeting me wherever I was on that journey, whether in darkness or in light.    

Vocare

What do you need most to do in life and what the world most needs to have done is how Sister Martina defined personal vocation.

When vocation is a personal response to the call from God, then the place that God calls you to becomes for you one of deep gladness and the world's deep hunger. So say yes.






















As we embrace I see
There is a glow,
An indefinable change in you.
You have said yes to something big,
That will change your life forever.
For better. For worse.
You have chosen to be
Theotokos
I rejoice. Every atom of my body exults,
As does my child
Who leaps for joy within my womb,
My own little miracle.
In universal sisterhood we share
The gift of motherhood.
Although the birthing pains will not match
The great sorrow and losses we will bear
I am glad that I, too, said yes
To the fundamental option
Of the incarnation.
Immanuel. Fully human, fully divine.
God's will be done ever and always.