Last words of 2023

And so we have reached the end of 2023. Unbelievable how fast the year went by. My one regret is not blogging, or writing, as much as I would like, although I would say I am quite happy with how I have managed to stay on top of my financial housekeeping and organization, always my weak point. There’s always room for improvement and I will endeavour to move up to the next level, which will involve decluttering and organization to a higher degree. My dream is to be able to find any of my possessions without hesitation, or rummaging around cupboards. 

 

My old boss commented that I led a charmed life having read my Christmas letter, and I have to agree with him. It’s been an amazing year, not just because of the many trips P and I took, the highlight being our pilgrimage to Mexico and visiting the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe, but it has also been a year of experiencing God’s grace in innumerable ways, seeing His saving and protective hand in so many situations. 

The word surrender is key, and it is an act I have engaged in over and over through the year - when Mum fell and fractured her hip bone, all the way through her rehabilitation and her remarkable recovery. 

A very dear childhood friend discovered she had advanced cancer through God’s prompting. She is now undergoing treatment, and is responding well. Again, much prayer and surrendering required. 

Journeying with others through their various illnesses, crises, and personal losses… interceding for community brothers and sisters as they experience upsets and challenges… navigating tricky situations in family life… I am content that I have been able to mostly allow the Spirit to lead me with gentleness and wisdom. 

 

It is no accident I watched a testimony this morning by a Swiss Guard who knew both Saints Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa. 

My takeaway this final day of the year is to pray the rosary constantly, continue to consecrate my days to Mother Mary who will inevitably and unerringly lead me to Her Son, and to be able to do whatever He tells me with skill and enthusiasm, as both JP2 and MTeresa did. 

 

I hope to continue to walk with zeal and faith in the new year and I am beyond grateful for all the wonderful experiences I have been gifted with in 2023.

Christmas eve musings

P and I recently returned from a pilgrimage that took us to Catholic shrines in Mexico, the highlight being the Marian shrines of Our Lady of Guadalupe and Our Lady of Ocotlan. Ever since we got married on the Feast Day of Our Lady of Gaudalupe coming to seven years ago, it has been a dream of ours to one day be able to give thanks in front of the celebrated image of a pregnant Mother Mary immortalized on the tilma of Juan Diego, to whom she appeared first on December 9, 1531 on Tepeyac Hill. 

This year was the appointed time and it was such a time of blessing. There was private mass celebrated daily in English in beautiful churches, and most significantly, in the Church of the Fifth Apparition (also known as Santa Maria Tulpetlac) which is built around the home of Juan Bernardino, Juan Diego's uncle, who saw Our Lady, and was subsequently cured of his illness. Both P and I felt very privileged to visit these places where Our Mother appeared all those years ago, and we both know she is here with us still, quietly encouraging us to serve in tangible selfless ways. modelled on Jesus and what He did when on earth.   

We saw many holy relics as well as the incorrupt body of Blessed Sebastian de Aparicio who became a Franciscan brother at the age of 72. We were also privileged to meet the Bishop of Cuernavaca, Bishop Ramon Castro Castro who was about to officiate at a confirmation mass when we were leaving the grounds of the Cathedral. He gave us a blessing before he went in for mass.

Apart from the many stories of miracles, and the opportunity to lay eyes on the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe on three separate occasions, what was most edifying for us was to witness the fervent faith of fellow pilgrims, young men and women who were moved to tears as they prayed in front of the sacred image, and the endless processions of joyous pilgrims who thronged the Basilica grounds. Not forgetting the rich history of this particular Marian apparition and its very concrete evidence (of the tilma), and how it led to the conversion and healing of many, even to this very day.       

There is no question in my mind that God is alive, and that He lives in you and me. He is alive in the incarnation of His Son, Jesus Christ, who continues to walk among us some 2,000 years later after His resurrection, inspiring us through His Holy Spirit. God also shows up in the many ordinary people, like Mother Mary, and all the different men and women who said yes to Him and His will in their lives.  

As Advent draws to a close, a season where we are encouraged to turn back to Him, to experience repentance, I like to think that I did succeed in changing my heart and mind in little ways that demonstrated me exercising the gift of faith I received in baptism. Of course, I fall short, and I will always fall short each day, but I also know that if I try my best and never stop striving to be more like Him, then His ways can prevail more and more.  

My biggest takeaway from this pilgrimage to Mexico is to never stop being faithful in worship and prayer, not just for my own personal growth that comes from self-revelations I receive in my prayer time, but to also pray for others and their needs. This should always be my first pass when serving others, both loved ones and those whom I come into contact with on a daily basis - prayer, followed by practical and concrete action. Prayer transforms the way I love and it aids me in loving with humility and wisdom; to know when and what to do, and when to let go, and let God do the rest.    

And when I need inspiration and encouragement, I would do well to go to Mother Mary who once reassured Juan Diego all those years ago: Am I not here, I who am your mother? Thank you, Mother, for your guidance and gentle ways. Teach me how to listen to the Father, as you did with such unerring obedience.

Anniversary perfection

Today P and I celebrate the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe, giving thanks for her protection and care, for we placed our marriage under her patronage seven years ago. 

Thank you, Mother Mary, for bringing us together in the first place. 

And thank you for the chance of meeting you in Guadalupe, a huge, huge blessing for both of us, and a big tick off the bucket list. 

Love you, P, more than you will ever know. 

Love was never mine, till you came along

Turned my world upside down and proved me wrong
Marriage and motherhood were meant to be
His plan revealed years ago then mystery
Your second spring, for me love come lately
Perfection in open hearts joined tightly
In union with the Spirit, made holy
And healed by sacramental grace mostly
I've learned and grown much by Mary's fiat
And your example of clean hands pure heart
Your face grown precious these seven years past
I still marvel at how we met - holding fast
To gratitude and joy, chiefly wonder
Life is sweet as together we wander

Walking together

 I wore your shoes today

Together we went places

Mass, then the Basilica

To say hi to Our Lady of G

We walked alot and saw much

That pleased the eye

Edified the soul

And somehow I felt
You were with us
And you were delighted, too
At this lovely day of worship
Our love, like God's
Transcends space and time
And I could finally rejoice
Knowing we will meet again
Despite the ache of three years
Of missing you, dearest coz.

Celebrating the communion of saints

Today is All Souls Day, and mum and I went for mass and visited the columbarium at Saint Teresa’s this afternoon. I sometimes wonder if everyone in my family has already made it out of purgatory, but just to be sure, I still pray for all my deceased family members. As P puts it, double tap.

The insight that came to me today was that my Dad has been busy praying for all of us although I never put much thought into this. I still remember one conversation we had not long after which he passed on. He told me one of his biggest regrets and worries is that he could not see me married (actually one of my biggest regrets is that he was not here to walk me down the aisle when I eventually did get married). I said why, I was happy where I was. He replied, “Who is going to look after you when I am gone?” I was immediately insulted, outraged and extremely touched all at the same time. I, of course, retorted that I could take care of myself. But the insight into my father’s heart was priceless for he was not one to articulate feelings of love.

That I am married today is definitely due to his prayers for me. Thank you, Dad, for always looking out for me, and for praying for me, and for loving me so much - still. I am glad that we are still connected to each other and that I can look forward to a time when we will all be reunited in eternal life, the gift of love that the Father wants to bestow on all of us.

As Father A said, today is a day of celebration. I celebrate the lives of all those who have gone before me, people I still love and miss a great deal. I give thanks that they were a part of my life and that they continue to be an integral part of my life, albeit in a different way, for our hearts still connect in prayer, whether I pray for them or them, me, and especially at the celebration of the Eucharist every single time. *

*Catechism of the Catholic Church paragraph 962: "We believe in the communion of all the faithful of Christ, those who are pilgrims on earth, the dead who are being purified, and the blessed in heaven, all together forming one Church; and we believe that in this communion, the merciful love of God and his saints is always [attentive] to our prayers" (Paul VI, CPG # 30). 

Labyrinth truths

Just yesterday evening P claimed I had a new addiction – to house flipping shows. I admit to a fascination with house flipping as well as a show called Sort Your Life Out where a team of people come in and help families seriously declutter and organize their homes which have become hoarding or dumping grounds that affect daily living and overwhelm the inhabitants. 

While on my labyrinth walk this morning, I realized why these shows appeal to me so much. It’s about houses that have become run down, or homes in chaos, all in need of change and transformation. All it takes is some timely and expert intervention, and the changes wrought are often incredible – beauty, function and order are restored. Homes become oases of peace, enabling inhabitants to live harmoniously, rest and be restored. 

Jesus has been, and still is, my personal house flipper or sorter outer when I am messed up. When asked to reflect on truth (my labyrinth walk this morning was led by Edwina Yeow, Soul Tending | Anam Cara Ministries), I was asked to be aware of the guides that often taint my behaviour: pride, envy and shame. These often deflect or distort the truths in my life. Edwina also shared that Jesus wanted all of us to live our lives by the greatest commandment of loving God, and loving our neighbour as ourselves, and that this actually reveals three entities: God, other and self. Thus, the necessity of tending to self was as important as our endeavours to love God and those around us.   

With that, I began my walk. As I progressed, I noticed the cracks on the labyrinth and they came to represent my pride, where my good acts were often marred by my pride which showed up as impatience, the need to control the situation or to be right, and a very ego-driven view of the world. As I walked further, I noticed little plants growing in the cracks, making them places of new life. 

The thought that came to me was that if I immerse my seeds in the fire of Holy Spirit, my seeds will become good seed that grow into good plants, that will bear good fruit. So, whatever I do in life, I always need to offer it up to the Lord to burn away my self-indulgent tendencies and poor motivation. Do I do something good because I want the affirmation of others, or because this is how a good woman should behave, or do I simply do good because I love Jesus and I want to glorify Him? With this purification of intent, the cracks of pride can now be receptacles of life and beauty. 

Soon, I began to notice black splotches on the path which I immediately identified as my envy. I am always envious of people who attract others to themselves, men and women whom people just like from the get go. As an introvert, I have to work really hard to be socially acceptable, and because one of my core distortions is I am unloveable, I struggle a lot when I think someone else is loved more than myself. I often feel rejected, and my competitive hackles raise up. Then I heard the Father saying to me, my grace, and my love, they are both sufficient. As long as you KNOW I love you, why do you feel you need to earn the love of others? Just be, and become the you I created. Everything else will fall into place - so chill.

What am I most ashamed of? The ugly bits of who I am, for all my defects point to the fact I am not worthy of being loved. Envy and shame take refuge in the me that is a horrible, repellent failure of a person. I could hear the Lord say to me: Silly child, when will you accept that you are my beloved, the apple of my eye, and I love you just the way you are. Stop rejecting your darkness, your brokenness. Instead, take my hand, and let me transform you. Let me restore who you are, for I can take what is beyond redemption and make it into a masterpiece of true beauty and goodness.

I was reminded of the first time I read Isaiah 62:3-5. It blew my mind for the words gave me such hope. I never imagined that I could ever be so desirable as a woman. Today, the words took on another layer of meaning, and I am so grateful for His reminder. 

You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord,

    and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

You shall no more be termed Forsaken,

    and your land shall no more be termed Desolate;

but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,

    and your land Married;

for the Lord delights in you,

    and your land shall be married.

For as a young man marries a young woman,

    so shall your builder marry you,

and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,

so shall your God rejoice over you,

So this is the truth I took home with me today. With my eternal Bridegroom, I am a delight, His radiant bride. I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me (Song of Songs 7:10).  

  

Slave of Love

Lately what has been resonating with me from Scripture is slave to righteousness, slave of God, obedient slave. The word slave suggests control, subjugation to another, you are not your own person, but you belong to someone else. There is nothing pleasant about being a slave. And yet, it is a word Saint Paul uses frequently in his letter to the Romans, who knew exactly what slavery meant.

I took my commitment last Sunday, which was more than just a commitment to my brothers and sisters in community, for it was also a renewal of my baptismal covenant with God.  It was an action on my part to declare publicly that I am a slave of God, and I am happy to belong to Him - a far cry from the day of my baptism when I was only 12 days old, and it was my parents who gifted me with the awesome gift of baptism, out of their love for me. I will be eternally grateful for their consecrating me to the Lord, for it has shaped my life so powerfully, especially in the last 20 years when I began to take my baptism much more seriously.

What does being a slave mean in concrete terms? It means that I place His will above mine in all areas of my life, so I must be careful to love Him by always doing what is right and good for the other, and not merely go for low hanging fruit or self-preservation, that is, be a minimal or nominal Christian. I cannot take a raincheck when I am tired, or just want to goof off. Faithfulness requires obedience, perseverance, endurance, discipline, humility, energy, effort, joy, peace, and courage to be a good witness despite the sacrifice, hardship, and an inner inclination to say no. Say hello to struggles, tears, sweat and exhaustion – even desolation. It is all that, and more. 

So why did I make a commitment when it seems impossible to carry out, knowing full well, I will fail numerous times? I love Him. It is as simple as that. He is my portion and cup. The sun rises and sets on Him. I am the apple of His eye, His beloved, His pearl of great price. And I say yes to allowing myself to be moved by Him, His Spirit, His reason, His love for all those around me. I know I am wonderfully made by Him and I want to live up to this by saying as Mother Mary did: My soul magnifies the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God, my saviour.

I chose to offer up to the Lord a small statue of Our Lady of Fatima for I desire to be like Mother Mary, who always listened with humility, and I wish to heed her words to follow Jesus, and do whatever He tells me. I also chose my rosary as an offering for prayer, constant prayer, will be my weapon against evil. In my commitment which I could pen myself, I chose a verse from Micah 6:8 for to me, it tells me exactly what I need to do to be a good and faithful servant, an obedient slave:

He has told you, O mortal, what is good; 

and what does the Lord require of you 

but to do justice, and to love kindness 

and to walk humbly with your God? 

Covenant community good

I spent Sunday with some of my fellow community brothers and sisters who will be taking their five-year covenant (I will be taking my five-year commitment) this coming Sunday, and it was a time of inspiration and drawing closer to one another. We shared our own personal journeys from the time we each took our first covenant to now. There is a common thread we see in our collective journeys: from not really knowing what covenant was all about when we first said yes to this particular community, to the sweetness of the first yes, the honeymoon period. This was followed by a period of disillusionment, of struggles and challenges, and finally coming to a place of clear-eyed decision on our next step.

The grace of saying yes initially was costly, measured over time, as we looked back on the past, but each one of us continues to say yes, knowing that life will always be uncertain, but the faithfulness of God never changes. God, who first loved us, and called us into covenant, God who upheld the covenant despite our many missteps and lack of faith through the years. He is the one each of us loves, and wants to affirm our faith and love for Him in this upcoming covenant-taking.

What was really evident was the internal chaos and pain caused by the departure of a couple mid-way through these last shared years together as a community. The loss made each one of us question our own covenant-taking, our faithfulness. The gravitas of the covenant was almost undermined, or was it truly? Certainly when “bad things” happen, whether it is to us personally, or caused by an event that impacts us so significantly, it causes us to pause and question our own responses. Faith is shaken, like it or not. But we must never forget to cling on to God’s promises during such times, when we find ourselves in despair or confusion, and pray through it all, asking for divine help to smoothen the path again, and bring clarity and light to the darkness.

Roadblocks are inevitable, and part of the course. We will experience conflict, misunderstanding and maybe even great hurt at times in community. Yet, because we said yes to community, we cannot walk away without first trying to reconcile, not just with others, but first of all, within ourselves, our relationship with God and our own inner equilibrium.

One great insight on Sunday was health, our own healthy psyches and bodies, as well as the health of our fellow brothers and sisters in community. We need to tend to our own selves first, growing in self-awareness, and wanting to change for the better. We need to adopt the discipline of a healthy lifestyle, tending to our physical, emotional and mental well-being so that this holds us in good stead as we then try to help our brothers and sisters come to that same state of health.

Of course we will never grow at the same speed, but, if we ourselves are in a state of health, we will be better able to hold the space for others, and help them achieve progress. By virtue of the covenant, we must not allow fragile egos to clash and burn relationships forever. We must always try and take a mature response to perceived hurts, forgiving the other immediately, presuming that as beloved brothers and sisters, we never set out to hurt the other intentionally, with malice in our thoughts, actions or words. Walk softly, hold all things lightly, and speak gently. And should we need help, we can rely on other brothers and sisters to help with conflict management.

E stressed a very important word – interdependence. For relationships to thrive and be healthy, we must understand the symbiosis of our community relationships and contribute actively, in a life-giving manner. The pains we take to know the other and connect with the other is key to nurturing healthy relationships. No man or woman is an island, so we each give our love, understanding, time, effort and talents to the table of community; and we each take from this table the love and empathy of others as seen in their time, effort and talents at various times. We know we can lean on the strengths of others as we, in turn, allow others to lean on us for strength. 

There is no mistake that we are in community with each other and we should welcome the learning moments of hurt, anger and conflict which can lead to building deeper bonds of love, but only if we each allow this to happen. Reconciliation is a beautiful thing that affirms all relationships and helps each of us grow spiritually, to become who He has created each of us to become. Let us also not forget all the good and joyous moments, allowing these to be the mortar between the bricks, especially when conflict comes along.  

I have also learned through the years to not take myself so seriously, to be able to laugh at myself and situations, to not sweat the small stuff. The Scripture that speaks deeply to me is from Matthew 7:5: You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbour's eye. When I feel aggrieved or wronged, I sit with it, inviting Jesus in. As E pointed out, we need to touch the wounds of Jesus ourselves, in order that we can begin the healing process of conversion within ourselves.

Above all else, pray. Rely on the divine grace of the covenant to propel us towards life and joy, for that is exactly what God desires for each of us. So, this coming Sunday, I look forward to knowing, loving and serving Him in a very particular way, with a very specific group of people whom I call brothers and sisters. What power and joy there will be in saying yes wholeheartedly!

Child's play

Ever since J was a toddler, I have read to him storybooks and I have told him stories, especially on the way to school, to engage his attention constructively. I use the drive time to teach him practically anything - about the world we live in, virtues, life skills, vocabulary, or just to fire his imagination and sense of wonder. Woven inside these stories is simply one message – to affirm him that he is loved, and therefore I always have time for him.

Later when it was both him and his sister C, I would do the same if they requested stories. Sadly the way to school was too brief, in the last year, to really do justice to stories. So now it is usually on weekend outings, when the drive time is 20 minutes or more, that stories are requested.    

Just last week, on one such trip, J experienced a breakthrough, and I was again reminded that there is such great power in story-telling. The story I told both of them was not new, it was about perseverance, and the courage to try, and try again, despite failure, but this time around, it really resonated with J.

A couple of other things stood out for me as well. Chiefly, never underestimate the power of prayer and the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. J is currently going through a stage where he lacks self-confidence and due to that, he sometimes refuses to keep at an activity until he attains mastery over it. What’s more, he tends to refuse to believe in his achievements and rejects compliments. I have been wrecking my brains on how to help him and it is only through the Spirit that I was given the words to speak, and for him to receive those words with an open heart and be transformed.

Secondly, every moment is a teaching opportunity, whether it is about imparting new knowledge, or simply to communicate love, in such a way that the receiver has a felt experience of it. For when someone knows they are loved, they trust the person who loves them, and they are open in that relationship of love and trust to receive new things, even discipline.

My grandchildren know I love them, not so much because I tell them I love them, but more so in my actions. I make time for them. I do things for them like making pancakes for breakfast. I give them the gift of my presence when I am with them, and I show them that I delight in them. We have fun together, and we laugh together.

Joy is a necessary ingredient for growth. Without joy, the lesson is not as effective as we may have wished. That was what also came to me in J’s recent breakthrough. It began as a designated fun day so we got to ride cable cars with different pokemons decorating each cable car. We went on rides, played games, and we ate food they both liked, finishing off with ice cream, J’s favourite food in all the world - his ice cream face is one of unadulterated joy. So he was having a good day, and he was primed for the afternoon, after his nap. He expected more fun and he got it. When I told that story about perseverance on the car ride to River Wonders, he was ready to hear it, and to make it his own, which he did the very next day. May he continue to retain this kernel of self-believe in more challenging days to come. I think I can, I think I can…I can do it!

At yesterday’s community meeting, D reminded us that being a missionary disciple requires a holistic approach in which we not only receive, but we give. There is no linear progression and we have to be open to how these roles are interchangeable and complementary. He highlighted three roles we all need to grow in, in order that we can love God in a way that keeps us excited and enthusiastic in how we serve, until the day we go home to Him. How we keep the passion going in our relationship with God is vital.

CHILD: As children of God, sons and daughters, we have to experience ourselves as beloved, precious and delightful. We engage in play, exploration, enjoyment, observation and in just being who we are. At this level, we trust in the Father, we accept our own identities and we are secure in who we are. However, we cannot remain as needy, narcissistic younglings, only opening our mouths demandingly to receive all the time. We need to channel the child in us to change the world with child-like glee.

DISCIPLE: A disciple is one who is a follower, student, novice or apprentice and there is great emphasis on learning, discovering, imitating, training, experimenting and assimilating. The qualities of being teachable, obedient, open, humble, patient and persevering hold us in good stead here. For there is always some gift or talent to hone, to make us ready to serve well. Although a fundamental mindset to have, we must not remain stuck in this mode only, if not we will never exercise our true purpose on earth – what we are actually created to do, and, consequently, to find meaning and self-fulfillment in life.

STEWARD: Here if where our mission takes place. We give back as a mentor, leader, guide, teacher, evangelist, shepherd or apostle. We serve the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and strength by sharing, imparting and pastoring. We love our neighbours as ourselves. This is huge. If we only focus on this aspect, we will very quickly get burned out. Or we may even lose our way by serving not in the way He wants us to serve, but only by my own strength and mind. Spiritual dryness is a constant.    

Like J, I need days where I luxuriate in fun. Like a child, I play, I laugh, and I sing. I depend on the Father in a way that shows I trust Him and all His plans for me which are pure love. I commit everything into His hands, and I am free to just be, nothing more, nothing less. I let Him love me in a way that I can experience joy and deep inner peace. I stop being an adult who uses logic, and I tune in to the mystery of His love, which is always so much more than I could ever envision. By so doing, I prime myself to be better at the roles of disciple and steward.

Life is not all fun and games. It can present challenges. Growth can be painful. Loss and decay (ageing and sickness) are all part and parcel of life. Death is real, but so is life. So every moment of our lives, there is something to glean, to learn from, and then to give back: to make lemonade out of the lemons, and then to give the lemonade away, for free, so that others may be refreshed and rejuvenated.

Just as teaching J can be rewarding and frustrating all at once, I learn so much from both he and C when I engage with them. I get in touch with my limitations and my weaknesses, as I do my strengths and divine-inspired inner beauty. We are all complex beings and we should honour our own complexities by taking the time to know and understand them, and to decide what we want to do with them.

The Shema Moses gave in Deuteronomy 6:4-9 seems fitting whether I nurture the child, disciple or steward me:

Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead, and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Lord, let me spend each day remembering what I learn each day, as a child, and disciple, in order that I can be a better steward today. 

Listening with humility

I just visited my SD yesterday and it was a fruitful visit covering a range of topics. When he asked me what I learnt from my visit to Fatima, I summarized it in three words for him for he is a little hard of hearing: Listen with humility. With a Gallic twinkle in his eye, he added, “Especially to those whom you are allergic to”.

How true. We often summarily dismiss the words of anyone, especially those for whom we lack affection or respect. I know I do it all the time – I shut them down and I shut them out. Worse, I often go around thinking I am right, and if anyone says anything contrary to my world view, I am quick to reject his or her words even if I happen to like the person. I, therefore, lose the possibility of gaining insight, wisdom and empathy, aside from the deepening of relationship bonds. Without humility, true listening cannot happen, thus, relationships have no space to breathe and grow.  

So listening with humility is a key activity for me to master in this stage of my journey if I do not want to end up an insufferable fool. Every day I have to stop myself from allowing quick, impatient words to tumble out of my mouth, words that are ill considered and can cause more harm instead of the good I desire; words that tear down, instead of building up. Another pearl my SD offered me years ago is that a person of good will is like fat in all the unwanted places. I do not wish to be a do gooder who lacks insight, wisdom and compassion, and whose actions are therefore of no discernible value. Meaning well and actually effecting real good are two entirely different things.

The prayer SD taught me years ago that is pure gold is to simply ask: Lord, show me how to love today? And in order to curb my impulsive, foolish tongue: Lord, please put Your words on my tongue today. 

Our Lady of Fatima also inspired me to make real in my life those fateful words at Cana: Do whatever He tells you. As a servant of the Lord, this imperative is vital, to being a good and faithful servant.  

SD and I also spoke of illness, mission, covenant and marriage.

“As long as we are alive, we have a mission to accomplish!” he ended his answer to how he was, given the infirmities age has imposed on him. Despite his lack of mobility and deafness, he still makes the effort to connect with people every day, and when we shared about people in our lives with cancer, he ended with a request that I pray for his friends as he will pray for my friends. What a testament to God is his zeal, his beautiful missionary heart still at work. I hope that I will never lose this living faith that SD embodies.   

On covenant - something I have been reflecting a lot on recently, given my upcoming five-year commitment taking with the ICPE Mission – SD shared another pearl, that covenant goes beyond a legal contract or duty, and that it is a choice, but a choice that needs love to be true. Love is at the heart of any covenant. It is initiated first by God, out of love, and I choose to respond with a yes, out of love for Him. This response made out of love must first translate in concrete ways of loving my community brothers and sisters in ways that they need to be loved. This requires a daily intention to love; effort, on my part, to love; and perseverance to love. 1 Corinthians 13:7 reverberates on what love should be:  

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

No community is perfect, no one is perfect, all of us have our own quirks and issues, we will irritate and hurt each other at times, we may not see eye to eye, we may become disillusioned, even broken… However, community is the place where we can each grow in tolerance, graciousness, generosity, compassion, patience, and all those wonderful virtues, gifts and fruits of the Spirit that every missionary disciple should possess, especially if we want to transform the world with the good news we bring. So, yes, love has to be the superpower I choose, for my covenant to be life-giving and rich, especially when my experience of living out the covenant can be hard going at times. All commitments to covenants are marathons, not sprints, I can only ask for the grace to keep running the race, and attaining the merits of enduring love, hope and faith.     

Finally, we spoke about marriage. What did I desire to pray for? I said I wanted to be able to love my husband in the way he needed to be loved, and not the way I thought he needed to be loved. He rejoined, “Ah, you are becoming more aware of his weaknesses.”

Initially I couldn’t quite see the connection, but he went on, “Men are not as strong as you think they are, and they all need to be pampered”. I could then see his point. I have taken P for granted in many ways because he is strong, capable, reliable, and someone I know I can lean on. Despite his many sterling qualities, there is a boy inside of him who also requires nurturing, gentleness and maternal warmth. Just as the girl inside of me needs someone to care for her in order she feels cherished and confident. The inner child who still resides in each of us needs assiduous tending. What a great reminder!

And so it all comes back to listening with humility, and doing whatever He tells me to do. I thank God for all the people He has put in my life to help me see truths and I also thank Him for giving me the heart to do whatever I need to do every single day. Without His love and His grace, I can do nothing.

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O Lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and Thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

-        Saint Ignatius of Loyola

Fatima reveals

When one goes to a Marian shrine like Fatima in Portugal, there are expectations, especially when the day of the visit falls on 13 September, the date of the penultimate apparition of Mother Mary to young Lucia, Francisco and Jacinta in 1917.

I wasn't disappinted. Despite my initial dismay and stress induced by the brevity of the visit, I was given hard but clear insight as to what a pilgrimage is really meant for - a conversion of heart.

What did I really want to get out of going to Fatima? The answer was crystalline: peace and harmony that comes from the ability to love and forgive, as suggested by our driver cum guide, John, before we got there.

When I knew what I wanted, it was easy to know where to go, in spite of my initial confusion. The way forward was to jettison all negative emotion and to be led by the Spirit. I could hear Mother Mary encourage me: Follow him. So together with P by my side, we went forward to receive Jesus in the Eucharist as we became one with the pilgrims who were attending mass in the main square.

Before we left, some insights that came to me were that the love of Christ is always attainable, even when I am distracted and not quite feeling it. Conversion requires nothing more than the sincere desire to follow Christ, and then for me to make good that desire in action. Not an easy thing to accomplish most times, but doable mainly because His grace is always available to those who want it.

Jesus is always there for me, and with me, and He wants to bless me, but in order to be blessed, I have to receive Him with a repentant heart, a heart fully aware of my own sinfulness, but humble enough to rely wholly on Him to help me change, and thus to be able to refine my thoughts, words and actions continually.

The message given to the children that September in 1917 remains fresh:

You must pray! Continue to pray the Rosary every day in order to obtain the end of the war.

Praying unceasingly is the only way we can end the wars waged not just externally, but especially those we each wage internally. Unless I win those skirmishes with my inner demons that breed fear, resentment and discord, I cannot be His ambassador of peace, nor His face of love.

Our Lady of Fatima pray for us who believe, who adore, who hope, and who love God, and who ask pardon for those who do not believe, do not adore, do not hope and do not love. 

Marian availability

Recently at a cell group meeting we were each asked to reflect on where the Lord was calling each of us in different areas of our lives, and what would we each want to see in terms of personal growth or accomplishment over time?

The overarching thing for me was my availability, not just in tending to my own spiritual growth, or ageing physical self, but in giving time and energy to others which allowed them to experience the love of God.

That said, this year has been filled with many tumultuous events, and a varied group of people have come into my life, each of whom require something different from me. It has been challenging, to say the least, for it has often led me to question myself for I have felt stretched, and it has showed in my waning stores of patience, compassion and wisdom. I often feel that I frequently fail, that I could've been nicer, more gentle, and just more loving in my responses, rather than allowing my frustration and impatience to show.

The virtue of gentleness, a gentleness Mary of Nazereth displayed in dealing with life, either on the fly, or in pedestrian routine, this is what I desire. Life will always be messy and chaotic, storms do not appear at infrequent intervals but often in a flurry of atmospheric displays. I often feel I am batting desperately at a volley of shots that come my way, fast and furious, and from every angle. It is tiring, I get stressed out, I often feel like screaming, and yet, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my life the way it is.

I find meaning in everything I have been tasked to do, whether it be at work or on the domestic front. I find joy in my relationships: I feel loved and supported by my spouse - my heavenly Bridegroom and my earthly one - and I find myself able to love those around me, not always perfectly, but in ways they need to experience love.

My mission is to change the world in every personal encounter I have, and in the humblest of ways, often engaged in making a difference where my presence is not visible. As my SD pointed out, Mother Mary was first and foremost a humble Jewish girl who simply said yes to God, again, and again, and again. All her titles, especially the loftier ones, stem from her humility and her open heart. Nothing more than that.

So I seek to be more like her, every day, to listen, to ponder, then to act with sensitivity, and a generous heart. What I would like to see as accomplishment by year-end, is to better manage my temper and my fear of being wrong, and of looking stupid. I would like to be more confident, and calm in how I respond to adversity and challenge, and to behave with graciousness, acknowledging in my heart that being kind is better than being right. And when I fall, not to give up, but to quickly pick myself up and try again.

There's something about Mother Mary that makes the world a better place. She had a talent for getting people, like Jesus, perform miracles, and she still changes lives by appearing in quiet ways and effecting transformation in the hearts of those who see her. So more of her in me, please.

Resting in Him

Can one be in a place of consolation and desolation at the same time? I’d like to think that there is where I am right now. While I can see all the goodness of God in my life, how He places His hand of protection over me in inexplicable ways, and I can experience gratitude and joy from all the little and plentiful miracles showered on me, I am in a funk, no mistake about it, and it shows.

I am highly irritable, some of which can be attributed to lack of sleep, but mostly, I feel within me a lack of patience which breeds a lack of compassion and understanding. I am snappy and quite disagreeable. I find myself highly irritating, for there is this perpetually sour and crabby person within me, who is highly critical and cannot shut up. I am unsure if I can ever shut her down, and I fear that she will get the better of my intentions to be a likeable, lovable person whom people gravitate towards as I endeavour to be more Christ-like.

It is at times like these that I desperately miss E, who would always know what to say to challenge me and put fresh heart into me. She had this rare ability of channelling the Father’s needed mercy that brought relief and healing to my weary and broken interior, and this made me whole again, willing and able to continue the journey of being God’s broken healer to the world. The Spirit would give her the words to put a finger on what was wrong and what needed to be repented and renewed. Or rather you would be made aware of it yourself, for change can only come from self-awareness and self-acceptance, plus the willingness to want to be transformed, to change.

Of course I am aware that Jesus, the Holy Spirit, is the ultimate Counselor and Healer, and I have direct recourse to Him, but I just miss hearing His voice through E. My SD just asked me if I was lonely, and I replied, I am, I am lonely for her love, her friendship, her companionship and gentle guidance. I don’t often articulate this thought, but I guess the conference in KL really brought this to the fore. I kept meeting people who knew her and loved her, and they shared stories of how she transformed their lives. Dammit, I want her to continue transforming my life, as she did in the past. I need her to see the best of me when I am unable to see it myself, and to articulate it to me, which she did so well, so that I know I am on the right path. There isn’t anyone who can receive me the way she did, and give to me the love I need, as she did. And I know she is missed in this respect by many in my community for how she loved each and every one of us in the way we needed to be loved.

And so I go for reconciliation more frequently and I can only pray that that I learn to receive the love of the Lord more through the people and situations of my everyday life. SD reminded me that we don’t just hear His voice when we are deep in prayer, but it is in the mundane and banal details of our lives.

I can also continue to hope that it will not be such a colossal struggle to acquire the virtue of gentleness, I look forward to the day that it will be second nature to me and I don’t have to power through the inner processes of weeding out the uncharitable, ungracious, hateful thoughts that surface so readily. SD also reminded me to let go of my burdens and to take on Christ’s yoke and burden which are easy and light respectively. Silly me for trying to go it alone. I will give desolation a rest today and simply rest in Him.

More, like you

While attending a conference in Kuala Lumpur by the Institute for World Evangelisation, ICPE Mission, the Catholic lay community I belong to, I was completely captivated by a painting of the Eucharist which adorned the front of the altar. I wanted to know where I could actually get a similar image but never got round to asking the organizers. Plus, I figured I could shop online. Lo and behold, it was an original painting done by my community sister B who lives in KL. I texted her to tell her how taken I was with it and she promptly gifted it to me. I was thrilled and felt really loved and honoured by her.

B had painted it in four minutes flat, in preparation for an outreach she did in 2018, where she decided to showcase her gift of art. The painting was a response to the question: What is so special about being Catholic? B felt that as a Catholic, she was united with all her brothers and sister universally – past, present and future – when she received Jesus in the sacrament of the Eucharist.  

She used the background splash of colours to represent how the Body and Blood of Christ burst forth life and love onto and into everyone, and everything under the sun. Our God is always lavish with His love, like the sower who wastefully sows seeds everywhere, even on the path and rocky ground, and His extravagant love flows from that one tiny piece of unleavened bread and a singular goblet of wine.

When B asked me how her piece spoke to me, I said it is only when I place Christ before me (and within me and around me), that I am able to see what is true, good and beautiful emerge in my life, as represented by the vibrant colours. Through Christ, my world comes fully alive, in real living colour. That the colours were like a rainbow reminded me of how God always calls me to be in covenant with Him, to allow myself to experience a fulfilling intimacy that can only come from bonding with Him sacramentally. It implies a full-hearted yes as answer from me.

I placed B’s painting in between my grandchildren’s creations and what came to me, on the Feast of the Transfiguration, was this: as individuals, we are like single fish swimming along, beautiful and complex in our beings, but if we have not encountered the Lord, our world, and we, ourselves, are devoid of colour. We live in a world that is flat, maybe even dark, without colour, as solitary creatures, lacking real purpose and identity.

However, in a personal encounter with the living Christ, we cannot help but be transformed. The true colours of our identity emerge, for the colourful rays of Christ’s love have touched us and we have been sealed by the Holy Spirit. And so we can go out, together, as missionary disciples, to spread the joy of the Good News to everyone. We can live and breathe the hope and light of the kerygma, enabling those around us to believe that life can be so much more than what it is, just because Jesus came to save us by His life, death and resurrection. Love, this salvific love, the act of dying to self, for the better of the other, is what it is all about, as followers of Christ.

While the parameters of my life haven’t changed very much since returning home from the conference, I do feel renewed in my faith, and I know that more is expected and required from me, as more was just so recently given to me. Challenges lie afoot.

The word, magis, sums it up for me, which is the Latin word for more. What do I desire in my life? If indeed it is more of Christ in my life, which it is, then I can only strive to do more for Him, for His greater glory. Thus, I must be more, every single day, without fail. And maybe, just maybe, I can grow more and more into the person He sees in me, a me of whom I only have occasional glimpses.

Dear Lord

Make me more

Like you

So I can be more

Your hands your feet

Light in the darkness

Comfort in sorrow

Strength in sickness

Courage in fear

Peace in desolation

Food for the hungry

Life to those who are bereft

Make me more

By Your grace

Vacation highlights

I returned from vacation and just finished wading through all the shared digital photographs we took - editing and organizing the lot, quite a project. I created an album called highlights to be able to share with interested friends and family members when I meet with them. As always, the true highlights are not the spectacular landscapes or amazing food, the rich exposure to people, places, and culture - my real highlights have an inextricably linked spiritual dimension.

First of all, I am amazed at how much the Lord loves us and laid His protective hand over us. It doesn’t mean I didn’t get food poisoning, a URTI (upper respiratory tract infection), or COVID, but despite all these ailments, I was fortunate enough to extract maximum joy and pleasure from this trip. I played, I ate, I laughed, and I spent time visiting with relatives, which is so precious, the older we all get.

P and I were blessed to be able to enjoy our small plane and helicopter rides to visit two glaciers, for we were told cancellation rates were 80 per cent due to inclement weather. Banal as it sounds, I prayed for good weather, and Jesus granted it. We were not disappointed, for the land sang out its beauteous nature wherever we went, echoing resoundingly the glory of God’s handiwork. Everything, and I mean everything, even the wildflowers were beautiful.

Again, knowing the desires of our heart, we were always within walking distance of a church to attend mass. The most amazing one was in Whittier, when the Holy Family Cathedral was diagonally across from our hotel so we could squeeze in morning mass before we caught our motorcoach to the port. Best of all, we visited two cathedrals that Saint Pope John Paul II visited. This has become part of our holiday tradition for almost every country we visit, we have been able to follow his ‘trail’. I am an ardent JP2 admirer, if you didn’t know that.

The two months preceding this vacation have been brutal, so it was a blessing to be able to take time off to recharge. Travel can be fraught with setbacks and frustrations but ours went like a dream, no missed connections, no lost luggage, or being scammed by tourist traps. We were always safe, even when we walked in dodgy neighbourhoods seeking out comfort food. And I slept well, a much-needed sleep that has been denied for so long.

My biggest highlight from this vacation is how much my husband loves me and how much he cherishes me for he really set out to make my birthday this year extra-special. I felt very much renewed in our marriage, and very much affirmed as a woman and his wife. This is not due merely to the fact he treats me with an over-abundant love, but because he is truly a man who sees Jesus in everyone he meets, and treats people unfailingly with kindness, gentle respect, and generosity. His heart is set on the Lord and he never fails to honour the Father in everything that he does, even on vacation. As the Na’vi people greet each other in the Avatar movies, “I see you”, I could see P and all that he is, so clearly, and I really love what I see.

Finally, my biggest insight is this: my personal cross, which encompasses my vocation and my state of life, will not only win me the crown of eternal life after I die (I can only pray for His mercy in this endeavour), but, it is one I carry most willingly, for it not only speaks of sacrifice, hardship, and great demands; of hurt, loss, and pain; and of sometimes going where I do not desire to go; but it also speaks of impossibly beautiful moments and soul-gratifying, fulfilling experiences; of overflowing peace, joy and deep, bountiful love; and of many opportunities that can potentially lead to the making of me. I can only weep and give thanks in awe of my cross, and I thank God for vacations, and this particular one to Alaska.   

Love me differently

J asked me on our drive to school, “Grandma, is it you scold me because you don’t love me?” ‘If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t scold you but I promise I will be more gentle in future” was my response after I had explained at length why I “scolded” him for his own good (he had refused to take his meds for a runny nose), and I also explained how love can be demonstrated in many ways, and he just needed to be able to pick them out. 

I finished our conversation by hugging him and telling him I loved him bigger than the ocean or the sky. His check-in photo tells me he got it. His question really caught me off guard and gave me insight as to how I needed to proceed in the future, with more words of affirmation and gentleness.. 

Love is tricky, how we show love to others, and in how we receive and feel loved in return. This is made worse when we grow up, for as adults, we tend to hide our ever demanding and finicky needs, while children are more forthright and have much simpler needs. 

 

On my drive home after that drop off, it hit me that my husband had just given me a huge ILY the evening before. He had skipped an evening lecture to take me out to dinner instead. While I had enjoyed our evening together, I did not fully recognize his sensitive support until the morning after. I am going through quite a challenging time now, and this was his TLC towards me. This wow moment made me realize how easily I could have missed this precious insight, and that this is how he loves me, quietly, yet so powerfully.

I am humbled and now filled with new resolve to recognize and acknowledge all the different ways love comes to me, through others, instead of rebuffing what I deem as insufficient, imperfect or unwanted. To simply say: thank you with sincere gratitude, thank you for thinking of me, thank you for making the effort to show love to me, thank you for being the you who loves me.

Last, but not least, thank you, Lord, for loving me through those around me. May I respond as happily as J did to me.