Taking pride down

A friend of mine recently shared that someone dear to her has allowed fear and insecurity to reign supreme, thereby turning this person into a manipulative and selfish being, quite unlike her usual self.

Why is it so unsettling when we hear that someone who strives hard to model Christian values and is generally a kind and giving person has suddenly morphed into a crazed witch and has fallen away from God's truth?

Three things come to my mind. One, pride is to blame; two, it could very easily have been me; and three, it does not take much to discourage others with behaviour that smacks of counter-witnessing. My friend has found this surreal situation difficult to deal with on so many levels.

Yes, we all have our imperfections, but for those who are in positions of moral authority or leadership, the bar is, unfortunately, set much higher. As Jesus said, those who have been given much, much will be demanded of them. That's the reason why we expect our priests and religious to be exemplars of Christian virtue and model citizens.

Faithfulness in small things is required, consistently. For this is what witnessing is all about. In all circumstances, in every waking moment, we do not stop striving to be like Jesus. The only way we can achieve this impossible aspiration is to submit to God's will each nano second. Constant prayer is key to allow transforming grace to course through our arteries, pulsing through our bodies with life-giving, Spirit-filled oxygen.

Saint Paul said to the Corinthians:

I shall be very happy to make my weaknesses my special boast so that the power of Christ may stay over me, and that is why I am quite content with my weaknesses, and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and the agonies I go through for Christ’s sake. For it is when I am weak that I am strong.

The thorns in our flesh are strong enough to lance the boils of our pride, to drain away the pus inside. However, if we do not see the hidden purpose of the thorns that afflict us, we will just whinge, wallow and do nothing.

Pride is truly the queen of all deadly sins for it does not take much for pride to colour our perspective and insidiously blind us to our own faults. Even our strengths are not exempt. I find I have to constantly catch myself from pinning a good deed onto my breast like a badge of honour for all to see and admire. Saint Thérèse of Lisieux urges for the glory of anonymity when it comes to doing good; the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing and all that.

Thus, good people with noble intentions, beware. Always submit your intentions, your acts of love and your good deeds to an examen of consciousness*. Allow your strengths and virtues, not only your weaknesses and faults, to be purified constantly. Do not commit base murder flowing from honourable and lofty ideals just as Brutus in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar did.

In The Way of Perfection, Saint Teresa of Avila talks about the three essentials of a prayer-filled life, humility, charity and detachment, in order for us to become spiritually mature Christians.

To be humble is to walk in the truth of who we are and to be content with whatever it is the Lord wants us to do**. She called humility the queen of virtues. To be charitable is to give of one's self with a self-donating love that puts others first and self after. And detachment is all about self-relinquishing liberation from created things, including our preferences and prejudices. 

Humility, charity and detachment are the trinity of virtues and, Saint Teresa assures, the way to a happy and fulfilling life. These virtues are fully embodied in Jesus, whose example we can emulate closely. So don't let pride get the better of you. Stay humble, loving and hold all things loosely in your hands.

* A great article on how to do the examen: http://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen/consciousness-examen/

** From Susan Muto's Late Have I Loved Thee

God's caress

In a recent address, Pope Francis said: Every day we are all called to become “God’s caress” for those who perhaps have forgotten the first caresses, who perhaps have never felt a caress in their lives.

What a beautiful invitation to each of us to reach out to those who are marginalized or forgotten, who may be neglected or rejected by mainstream society. Pope Francis was encouraging a group of pilgrims who are involved in charitable work, but it is a statement each of us can make applicable in our lives.

I know I have been much blessed for from the day I was born, I have been the beloved of family and friends. I have known what love is in many different ways and I continue to experience it so much so that I find it hard to imagine anyone not having felt a caress of love and care in their lives.

It is therefore a sobering reminder that there are many in my midst who have not been given what I have and I should do something about it. Everything I have is pure gift. I did not earn it or deserve it, and therefore I should be sharing what I have.

I have to admit I have been slacking lately. Busy working on replenishing the coffers after an expensive vacation has been all consuming and energy zapping. And yet, I know it is time I take a step outside my little bubble. As Pope Francis pointed put, answering our call is an everyday affair. There is always someone I can administer to and they are not that difficult to spot.

But besides writing a few cheques and making a financial contribution to worthy causes, I also need to get up close and personal in order to be a palpable caress. I need to make face time.

Just last week, I received a phone call from someone with whom I have a prickly relationship. I know I should pay her a visit and see how she is, but I have used the convenience of my busy life to forget about her for some months now. I have been feeling bad about neglecting her, but not bad enough to make the effort to pop by and spend time with her. Instead, I salved my conscience by just buying her something expensive she needed.

In The Story of a Soul, Saint Thérèse of Lisieux wrote charity ought to betray itself in deeds, and not exist merely in the feelings. She also reminded me there is no real merit in helping those whom I like or love but rather in loving those whom I find hard to love.

I know TA is someone who has long forgotten her first caresses for she has been crotchety for as long as I can remember. And yet, she is someone I know who could do with some TLC.

So tomorrow I will see her and I hope it will be not too unpleasant an encounter. And if it is, I will have to remind myself ad majorem Dei gloriam.

Naked goodness

Lady Gaga recently did a Lady Godiva when she was performing at a gay club. I am not sure what was the point of this act of exhibitionism (Lady Godiva at least did it for a noble cause), but it seems to be the rage amongst women entertainers to be as outrageous and bizarre as possible for the sake of fortune or fame presumably, for it can never be termed art, or have any merit other than that of poor taste.

What has happened to allowing the gifts we have to speak for themselves? In the case of singers, the voice and the music. But no, in order to entertain, an aggressive display of the scantily clad body moving in overtly sexual ways seems to be de rigueur.

While I do not have children to protect from these dehumanizing acts that objectify the body so demeaningly, I feel saddened, as a woman, that all these decades of fighting for women's rights has come to this:

Emancipated women who willingly choose to debase their bodies and be treated as sexual objects, displaying their beautiful assets like meat in a market. They willingly choose to subjugate themselves to male domination by agreeing to be judged on and desired for their physical assets.

In the name of external beauty, they undergo aesthetic surgery to enhance and preserve physical beauty to frightening extremes. What is wrong with one's God-given features? Why is looking one's age so abhorred? Are not inner beauty, character, substance and goodness more valuable, influential and permanent?

We women are so much more than the sum of our body parts. We have so much more to offer the world: our brains, our feminine grace and our inner beauty. We can change the world just be using our wits and our talents. And we can do it without resorting to prostituting ourselves or undermining our own dignity.

I would urge every woman reading this to evaluate how you value your own dignity as woman and to reclaim it if you think looking sexy in order to snag a man is a good idea. Work on developing your God-given assets, your self-esteem, and growing in virtue. Challenge yourself to being a woman who would be a good role model for younger men and women, boys and girls

I would encourage every man reading this to value and affirm the women in your life, be it mother, aunt, sister, girlfriend, wife, daughter or friend, for who they are. Respect and love them as fellow human beings, just as you would want to be respected. Do not lust after women or use them for your own gratification, treat every woman as your beloved sister or mother.

Likewise, women, sexual liberation does not mean twerking your bottom shamelessly into a man's crotch, but it does mean standing up (clothed decently) for your right to be admired and respected for everything that you are. Demand to be loved for the beautiful inner you, not only for your pretty face.

Teach men to go gaga over the real you - body, soul and spirit - stripped of all pretence and artifice, clothed with decorum in your dignity.

TOB for couples

So why is chastity so brilliant before and within marriage? As I wrote in my last entry, TOB good, man and woman are made to be in a monogamous relationship, and in order to live out the nuptial meaning of their bodies, chastity is vital. It may not be easy, but when men and women attempt sexual honesty (leaning heavily on grace), they will find many blessings.

In my previous relationships, I never really knew if I was liked for who I was or was it the sexual chemistry that kept the relationships going. When couples focus on the physical aspect of a mutual attraction, lust muddies the water of love, if it flows, for the motivations that keep a couple in a relationship become unclear. Both had used each other for their own gratification from the start, and this pattern of using often becomes the blueprint of relationship dynamics.

Lust tends to cement relationships of two personalities that should not be together. Even if it becomes clear that they do not bring out the best in each other (every good, long-term relationship should do this) things may have advanced to the point where they are too comfortable to break up and move on. They rationalize staying in a stagnant or unhealthy relationship rather than face being alone.

The mindless, feel good character of lust is akin to gorging on junk food which fills the empty void inside temporarily and leaves you craving for more, like an addict. And what about the ill effects? While less visible than clogged arteries and obesity, they are more damaging.

One night stands are only good for cheap thrills, the danger and risk one exposes oneself to is not worth it, let alone risking one's soul.

Casual sex keeps one focused only on scratching the sexual itch, neglecting the real prize one craves for, a life partner to rely on, through thick and thin.

We have become a world full of people desperately searching for love, but no longer certain what love really looks like and how to find it. We think a sexual smörgåsbord feeds the emptiness in our souls and we keep going back for more. Instead, we grow more pleasure-seekingly selfish, self-absorbed and immature, falling easily into sexual infidelity and perversity. We are morally flaccid.

Here is where chastity makes a difference. When you first meet someone you like, by not jumping into bed immediately, you give each other time to figure out if you really like each other, or is it just hormones talking.

As time progresses and feelings grow, you focus on liking each other in ways that do not objectify or use the other. You plant the seeds of a giving, selfless love and watch it grow.

If you find yourself in love and working towards sharing a lifetime together, should you maintain sexual purity? Yes, for good things truly do come to those who wait. Respecting and honouring the dignity of the other beyond seeking one's own pleasure is of inestimable value, as is the value of self-control.

You know your relationship is not just based on animal attraction but on more substantial stuff, the stuff that keeps marriages going through tough times. You don't feel used. You feel cherished. You are loved the way you want to be loved, for you. If anything, abstinence before marriage begets love of a higher, more generous order.

Marriage is the ultimate symbol and gesture of love for a formal and public exchange of vows enables you both to love to the fullest of your potential with honesty and integrity. In the permanence of the marital bond (this is, of course, assuming both parties recognize the sanctity of the marriage vow they each took), couples have space in the relationship to screw up, behave badly (at times) and fail in life, knowing their spouse will always be there for them to support, forgive and love them.  

Marriage is not an excuse to indulge in lust, although, marital sex can be mind-blowingly good in the absence of lust. For in the intimacy of shared lives, the connection of minds, hearts and bodies becomes an experience that transcends the ordinary where God is present, making the union of husband and wife sacred and achingly wondrous. This realization of heaven on earth is the gift open to all married couples. It's a gift I am holding out for, even if it takes forever.

Chastity within marriage makes sex an act of love that is unitive as well as procreative. Every time couples engage in sex, they are not only renewing their promises of avowed love to each other, they are also saying I give myself totally to you in such a way that if the miracle of new life should occur, we give thanks for that blessing, even if we may not be so thrilled about it initially (if unplanned). Children are that gift of life, created out of love. They are not a right that parents decide to exercise at will, despite the wonders of modern science.

We humans have the ability to practise natural family planning and couples who do abstain from sex when necessary, find that it makes for better communication that, in turn, engenders mutual love and respect. It is life affirming, unlike couple who contracept and focus only on getting their sexual kicks by blocking fertility.

A asked me a question when we met for dinner recently, about what I thought about an unmarried couple in a committed relationship sharing a room while on vacation.

My immediate thought is why put yourselves through this test of will power when you have already come so far in maintaining sexual purity (and if you haven't, there's no better time like the present to start)? Besides, even if you managed to just sleep and do nothing else, no one would believe you.

Although propriety seems irrelevant, the old-fashioned standards of behaviour make good sense. They make for refreshing simplicity and clarity. Adhere to them and relationships won't get complicated. No unpleasant surprises before marriage, and the courtship is a little sweeter, while the wedding night all the more special when it finally arrives. Plus no one can point a moralistic finger at you, and you will feel very good and virtuous about yourself, and deservedly so.

Chastity works to keep couples on the right track of love, to love with purity and single-minded intensity. And if couples allow the third party of Jesus to be part of their love, then all they need do is follow His lead.

PS: I thank God for the gift of JPII and his amazing Theology of the Body.

TOB good

While driving me home last night, J asked me a question that made me smile and roll my eyes simultaneously (and she was not the first one to ask it). She asked if I had met someone special on the cruise. What is with this absurd Love Boat notion (I loved that schmaltzy 70s show growing up)? Worse, S had asked me earlier on when we met if I had a little holiday fling?

It amuses and annoys me at the same time when my women friends think that I can only have a good time on vacation if I (a) find a man who is attracted to me and romances me, or (b) have a mindless sexual encounter with a strange man.

Yes, it would have been a huge ego boost (after I laughed in his face in disbelief) if a tall, dark and handsome stranger had materialized before me and told me I was his soul mate, but I have outgrown trashy, romance novels that promise love that is not true love but the surge of pheromones and the idea of romantic love itself.

I will admit I am picky. I always want the best in life, the real thing, no fakes, and I will not compromise, especially when it comes to that special someone. So I have put all my trust in God. If indeed, I am to be married someday, then He will show the way.

If not, I am not waiting in the wings, quiescent and half alive until that happens. My hours are filled with satisfying work, relationships that are dear to me, and ideas and things that fill me with wonder, curiosity and passion.

It is hard to surrender one's desire for a spouse to a Higher Power and wait on His will to unfold His plan for we all have this innate, urgent desire for unity embedded deep within our souls.

In JPII speak, this longing for union is, at the core, the longing for God, put there by God. It is a life force that impels and drives us and one of the ways we humans fulfil this longing for union is in marriage, a lifelong commitment to love each other freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully.* It cannot be found in casual sexual encounters or romances that last only as long as the fizz in an opened bottle of champagne lasts for it is much more than a physical union.

The nuptial union is a promise to love beyond selfish desires, hurts, abuse, betrayal, misfortune, adversity and loss. It is a union that must rely on supernatural graces to inject forgiveness, compassion and the ability to love with vulnerability and fidelity in the marriage.

Sex, the physical part of the union, is the final and ultimate outpouring of love originating from the spiritual and emotional bonds of a marriage, and, is the unitive act that says I pledge my love without reservations and I promise to be there for you forever.

Unfortunately today most couples trivialize the sanctity of the physical union, making it the first step in establishing a relationship, using sex as a tool to satisfy lust. This makes for a shaky foundation for lust is both indiscriminate and selfish, an uncertain material on which to lay a relationship. And that is why chastity before (and inside) marriage is a brilliant idea, but that's another story (look out for my next post).

The alternative to marriage is a way of life that JPII calls celibacy for the kingdom. It is to consecrate one's life to God in a special way, as priests and religious do. Clearly this is not a calling for many, and yet, it is a way of life that I can emulate as a single woman, and all single people are called to copy.

Chastity is really sexual honesty and integrity. So in order to be true to my human nature, I choose to have no sex before marriage and if I never marry, no sex forever. It is not very comfortable at times, but I love how it allows me to develop other facets of my sexuality more fully, rather than taking the narrow world view of what sexuality means and bemoaning my state of life.

In choosing to cultivate an intimate and living relationship with the Lord, I am able to live out this nuptial meaning of my body wholly, even as a single person. He is my playmate, my bestie, my spouse and my ultimate lover. Through Him, with Him and in Him alone, I have need of no other.

He alone reveals the way I can attain inner peace, lasting happiness and deep self-satisfaction. Following in the footsteps of Jesus has been, for me, a challenging, but fascinating, always enlightening and thrilling journey.

Therefore, whether on vacation or at home, I am happy to go where He leads me, to love others as He loves them without using them, but giving them what I have to give in my personhood, as He did.

* Christopher West's interpretation of Blessed John Paul II's Theology of the Body. 

Conversion experiences

When M asked us to reflect on one high point and one low point in our lives last week it was easy for me to pick THE high point. It was the three weeks of ICPE Mission's Pastoral Counselling School (PCS) in Bangalore.

Last night, I realized that it has been just about 10 years since those incredible days in November 2003. As it is with all life-defining moments, that period in time remains etched in my memory forever, timeless and ageless.

I am freshly amazed by how Jesus knew exactly when my heart would be ready to receive Him and thus orchestrated this first meeting at the well. When I drank the water of eternal life He offered from the PCS cup, there was no turning back. I was hooked for life for I had found my priceless pearl of faith.

For the first time ever I realized how much I was loved, totally and unconditionally. Even my darkest, deepest sins were forgiven. It was a homecoming to rival that of the Prodigal Son. I regained my identity as daughter, bride and queen and the words from Isaiah 62:4 resounded fully:

You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her, and your land Married; for the LORD delights in you, and your land shall be married.

My life changed. Overnight I knew where I came from, I knew who I was and what I was here for, and I knew where I was going (sorta, kinda, well in the general direction, anyway). And because I was forgiven much, like the sinful woman in Luke's Gospel (chapter 7), I loved Jesus with great passion and verve.

Ten years on, nothing has changed. I am still as in love with Him as I was, if not more. Our relationship has matured into an exceptional vintage wine of love and trust. It has been an intense decade that has not been all fun and roses even though I have embraced every second of it.

Every successful relationship requires work and sacrifice. By throwing my lot in with Jesus, I had to make some hard decisions concerning career, lifestyle and love life. The lowest point in my life involved choosing between God and His ways, and a man I loved enough to consider marrying.

What made the decision doubly painful was obedience to the Father had me stay in the relationship for an additional year before I was to let it go. Apart from the grief of the breakup, I had to deal with my confusion, wondering if I had discerned correctly. And if I had, why did God play this cruel joke on me for I had known a year before the relationship was a no-fly and I was ready then to walk away. Why, God, why???

To misquote Tennyson, mine not to reason why, mine but to do and die. The process of breaking down to build up, of the Divine Potter moulding me into His image and likeness was excruciating when it came to this particular instance. Everything else pales in comparison in terms of difficulty or the pain factor.

With the benefit of hindsight I am able to see that this low point was a necessary conversion experience, just as my conversion experience in Bangalore was. Both helped me grow in faith and hope, while enabling me to break free from the bondage of relativism and secularism.

I stand on the side of goodness and truth, knowing that there are absolute rights and wrongs in life. It is not all relative in life. Doing the right thing will not leave you feeling fuzzy and warm most times - it is hard work. Sexual intercourse is a unifying act of love between husband and wife and not a pre-marital recreational activity. Choosing the better part will always be a real struggle. And when it comes to love, I profess to the kind of love that leads to death on a cross, the kind of love the world mainly disparages.

This is where I am, 10 years later, and I know there is more perfecting to undergo, more high and low points in life to encounter. It is daunting and exhilarating at the same time. Exhausting yet energizing.

Today is World Mission Sunday and learning more about the missionaries who braved and lost much in order to establish a dynamic and thriving Catholic Church in Singapore (I did a Pilgrimage In My Backyard, big thanks to Amilia and Adeline) has spurred me to be more missionary in spirit.

Loving Jesus has to mean more than merely receiving the graces of conversion from Him. It means stepping out in Christ's spirit: to see His goodness and likeness in others, to bring confidence and joy to people, and to ultimately be light to the world (great homily, Father Arro).

I thank God for conversion experiences and I pray for a missionary heart that is untiring, courageous and boundless in love, mercy and compassion.

Blessing others

In today's Gospel, of the ten lepers that were healed, only the Samaritan returned to thank Jesus. He was the only one who took time to express his gratitude properly, not that the other nine were not thankful (I would have been ecstatic if I were cured of an incurable disease). It was, as Father Romeo put it, the recognition of a moment, and thereby doing justice to that moment.  

I found what he said next to be very profound: The recognition of the present moment is the beginning of blessings.  By returning to bless Jesus with gratitude, the leper received yet another blessing from Jesus, the blessing of salvation that comes from faith.

For someone who rushes around much of the work day, I find myself often motoring on without recognizing the present, and thereby missing many opportunities to act with openness and love.

I miss chances to be available to others, and in so doing, to be able to give thanks to the Almighty who blesses me constantly and creates many moments in my day for me to possibly act with sanctity. To meet Him face to face.

Recognizing the moment and expressing gratitude must be done a certain way, it must be done joyously. Here is where something I read this morning segues in nicely. 

Doctor Edward Mulholland wrote this of the Pope's visit to Assisi on his namesake's feast day, that he "gave religious and all Christians a one-question conscience exam on sanctity: do you smile like a stewardess?"

Pope Francis was emphasizing to the cloistered sisters he met that a genuine smile that brims with joy best represented their humanity. He said:

“When one goes along the path of the contemplation of Jesus Christ, of prayer and of penance with Jesus Christ, one becomes immensely human. Cloistered nuns are called to have a great deal of humanity, a humanity like that of Mother Church. To be human, to understand all things about life, to be people who know how to understand human problems, who know how to forgive, who know how to pray to God for people. Your humanity. And your humanity goes down this path: the Incarnation of the Word, the path of Jesus Christ. And what is the sign of a sister who is that human? Joy… joy... when there is joy! It saddens me when I see nuns who aren’t joyful. They might smile, but it’s a flight attendant’s smile. But not with the smile of joy, the joy that comes from within.”

When I read this, I felt challenged for I am not the sunniest of personalities around. And yet, what best represents my love for Jesus is joy. When I think of Him, I melt. I smile. So do I translate this interior smile externally? If I do not exude this joy to others, what's the point of being good? Merely performing good deeds with a surly air and snappish, exacting ways sucks all the good out of any deed. Something I do quite well, unfortunately.

Now that I have been inspired to be mindful of the present, to give thanks with joy and thus be a blessing to others, the last piece of my reflection today is to bless others not just through my actions, but in bold words that speak of God.

Last night, M told me a story that Father Gino told retreatants last weekend about blessing others. Father Gino would unfailingly greet the bus driver on boarding a bus and give a farewell blessing to the driver before he got off. As he travelled a certain route every day at a certain time, he would meet the same bus driver, on occasion.

One day, lost in thought, he missed his stop. However, because the bus remained stationary, he looked around and realized that this was his stop. So he quickly got off. But the bus still did not move. Thinking he had perhaps left something on the bus, he went up the bus again, only to be told by the driver that he had forgotten to bless him. So he blessed the driver and the bus was finally able to go on its way.

Father Gino related this anecdote to communicate that we should not be hesitant in blessing others (the talk was centred on evangelization), even if we thought that others may not share our faith, for fundamentally we all want to be blessed by God.

So if you are reading this, I hope that you will be blessed with mindfulness, gratitude and joy this week, and bring joy and blessings to all you meet.

May God bless you abundantly!     

Witness of life

Today's readings are reminders to me on how I should be living my life. First, I should not be like Jonah, who refused to acknowledge his mission (being unforgiving of the Ninevites whom God wished to save), fled onto a ship, only to be caught on a storm, tossed overboard and swallowed by a big fish.

When we run away from responsibilities we do not like, or when we are not honest with ourselves, we become like Jonah. We tend to put conditions on how we should live our lives and thus we end up disobeying God. We place our own selfish needs before others, even if that was not our intention initially.

I was like Jonah on my recent vacation. I felt justified in pursuing my own interests because I had already sacrificed a lot for the trip and so I ultimately failed to consider fully what would make the time abroad enjoyable for my mother. As a consequence we ended up doing too much by her reckoning, and churches just did not enthral her as much as they did me. I failed in making the vacation a good one for her even if that was what I really wanted. Sigh.

Yesterday my circle of Friends met (we are each journeying towards a covenantal relationship as an ICPE Mission Companion early next year) and we watched a video on worship and evangelization.

 

When Mario Capello shared that the witness of life is an irreplaceable form of mission, I realized I had not been a very effective witness, even if I had thought I was doing an okay job. 

Witnessing means that if I choose to love God with all my heart, being, strength and mind (today's Gospel from Luke chapter 10), I must love my neighbour as myself. This love of neighbour must extend to all people, and in every encounter.

 

I cannot pick and choose when, where and whom I wish to serve but must respect the dignity of the other especially in instances where our preferences diverge, or when I do not even like the other (making loving them tough). I also cannot choose to love myself more than others as and when I wish to, especially when it is a stretch for me (even tougher when I really do not want to do something, like Jonah).

 

It should be obvious by now that the witness of life, showing others a certain way of life that is consistent in that it is a true gift of self is not humanly possible. It really isn't if we rely on our own strength. But if I rely completely on God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, then I have a fighting chance.  

So I would say my biggest lesson from the trip is although I will never be the perfect daughter, I can listen more carefully, hear the unspoken needs and wants of my quiet mother, then act accordingly to fulfil those needs and wants with a modicum of fuss.

 

This sensitivity to others, family members and strangers alike, can only come if I listen more closely to Jesus and develop His unerring ability to read the hearts of others.

 

As A shared with me, "Rise up, call upon your God!" (Jonah 1:6) speaks to her and reminds her to not rely on her own strength. If I do as she does, then in my everyday, ordinary life, others can see God who is invisible, fully alive within me. And that is how I desire to witness. 

Little Flower power

It is the feast day of Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus and my parish feast day, so it's cause for celebration. Her spirituality of the Little Way is inspiring for she is the saint for small people, people who may never be great in the way the world measures greatness, and yet, they are people who accomplish much with their quiet faithfulness.

From the point of every individual's conception, we are called to life and chosen to love in a similar fashion that God loves each and every one of us.

It does not matter if we are not the sharpest tool in the toolbox, the most beautiful or sweetest smelling flower in the garden, the juiciest apple, the sparkliest diamond...what matters most is that we love God. That is all that is required for greatness.

As Saint Augustine put it: Love God and do whatever you please: for the soul trained in love to God will do nothing to offend the One who is Beloved.

That was exactly what Saint Thérèse did, hence she knew from a tender age what she wanted to do and she pursued her dreams with unrelenting compromise until her early demise at age 24.

She was inspired by Saint John of the Cross who "taught her that God can never inspire desires that cannot be fulfilled." Therefore we must not be faint-hearted in pursuit of our dreams, especially if we know these are the desires put into our hearts by the Lord.

Saint Thérèse shows us that her Little Way of simplicity and humility in glorifying God can lead to greatness. How else can we explain why she could enter the convent at age 15, six years ahead of most people, then, a few years later, was ordered to write her memoirs which subsequently took the world by storm when it was published posthumously.

Or how these simple writings led to her becoming a Doctor of the Church, a rare title reserved only for those who have made significant contributions to theology or doctrine.

We may be small, weak, über ordinary, even insignificant, but we have no excuse for giving up or for mediocrity. Being physically frail and a weepy, sensitive soul did not stop Saint Therese from being true to who she was, the Little Flower who loved God, and others, in a big way. So what's stopping us?

Saint Thérèse,
Help me to always believe,
As you did,
In God's great love for me,

So that I might imitate
Your "Little Way" each day.

Post-vacation highs

After an indulgent and activity-loaded three-week vacation, it felt great to come home to my own bed and to settle down into routine again. Even going back to work feels good, I kid you not.

While abroad, my prayer life was a little uneven, although on board the Serenity, I managed to make it to mass almost every day which was a real treat. The rest of the time, I muttered many quick prayers of thanksgiving for there was much to be thankful for: fabulous late summer weather, no pickpockets, smooth travel on trains, delicious food, comfortable hotels, no mishaps, completed Christmas shopping and the kindness of strangers everywhere we went.

We got to view the magnificent mosaic floors of the Siena Duomo which are uncovered for public viewing only six to nine weeks in a year. Big time hidden treasure. Then I stumbled upon Antonio Ciseri's Ecce Homo in the Palazzo Pitti, which blew me away for this painting is very special to me. Supermega hidden treasure! (See September 8 post Hidden treasures)

We even met angels, Sergio and Carol, who guided us back to the ship in Venice and one named Alvin, who showed us Florence by night (so magical) and ensured we got the best views of the city, the creamiest black sesame and sour cherry gelato and the juiciest Fiorentina steak.

Thus it was timely that I had a weekend retreat just two days upon my return and could spend time in praise and worship, silent adoration and Scriptural contemplation. It was necessary to allow my soul to rejoice in Him, as the responsorial refrain went yesterday. 

It is ironic how I often think of prayer as duty, thanksgiving, intercessory or pure supplication. This weekend showed me again that when I truly open myself to listening to Him through prayer, He speaks with loving and reassuring wisdom, and even answers questions that are bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. I am amazed even though I should know better.

I was also able to process the recent trip a little better, unravel the mysteries of the Lord's beneficence and savour the gems I found, yet could not take time then to show due appreciation.

The gifts in Europe were many, but the greatest gift was how free I felt to be me because I was so centred on Him. I was not bothered by my usual hang ups, inadequacies or fears. I did not wish for more than what I received for I received much more than I expected and I was duly grateful. I simply was, and it felt really good.

Today in the studio A asked me which was my favourite city, I replied every place was uniquely beautiful. But what I really meant to say was everything was amazingly beautiful because Jesus was there, right by my side, the whole time.

To quote Saint Teresa of Avila: Solo Dios basta (Only God is enough). Even on vacation.

Holy places

It has been fabulous cruising from Barcelona to Venice with family and newfound friends, but it is the city of Padua (our first stop after the cruise) which has been a thrill.

Apart from the charm of this compact and very walkable city, the opportunity to visit the tomb of a real life saint, one I count on quite often no less, was truly a highlight.

The Basilica of Saint Anthony was, first and foremost, incredibly beautiful with frescoes by Giotto. Then to kneel and pray before the tomb of Saint Anthony was an extremely moving experience for me. As I laid the petitions of my heart, together with those of my many friends before him, tears welled up in my eyes.

I am thankful that in the Catholic tradition we have many saints to intercede for us and to inspire us with their lives. It boggles my mind that I have been in such close proximity to the places where they lived and walked: Mallorca, the place where Blessed Junipero Serra grew up before he set sail for California, Corfu which Saint Spyridon saved from the Turks, Padua where Saint Anthony's remains lie and Siena where in the Basilica of San Domenico, Saint Catherine's incorruptible head resides.

Today I depart for Milan and hope to visit the Basilica where Saint Ambrose's body lies and maybe sit in a pew where Saint Augustine may have sat.

There are also nameless saints who lived and prayed in the many monasteries and churches I have visited. These are all places filled with holiness, as my friend B would say, strongholds of Christianity.

Although I have done the tourist thing and gasped in awe at the beauty of these places, my biggest lesson is this: I can choose to live like these holy men and women who lived centuries ago. I can make wherever I am a holy place. All I need to do is to love God as they did - to live and move and have my being in Him, as they did.

Their greatness comes from keeping their eyes on God and following wherever He led. I must follow suit, lest I remain a tourist who gawks and clicks and happily goes onto the next attraction, satisfied to have ticked another place off the bucket list.

Nature and beauty

Before I left for Europe, I went to see my SD and he told me two things I could look forward to were nature and beauty. The created beauty of buildings and art would be eye and soul candy.

I went a little overboard in trying to pack in the sights in Barcelona (my poor Mum), we leave later today on a cruise down the Mediterranean, but it has been worth it. We have feasted our eyes and palates, and even had the opportunity to enjoy the local fiesta in Poble Nou (hidden treasure principle strikes again for who knew the fiesta would be there last weekend).

However, the line of people snaking round the Sagrada Familia (tip: get online tickets) and on the way to Monserrat (tip: take the first train up and get in line first, or go with a private tour) made us both want to give up, but we persisted and it was worth it.

What impossibly beautiful churches to gather in to celebrate the Eucharist. If only I could've had that experience.

I was reminded of a conversation I had with my youngest brother who felt the money spent on ecclesial pomp was better spent elsewhere. He couldn't be further from the truth.

God created a world of beauty so that we can find Him in the sights, sounds and smells of the earth, sea and sky. Inspired by Him in nature, we, in turn, pay tribute by creating shapes and forms that speak of the majesty and the glory of God's handiwork.

Why else do we create: write, sing or paint what stirs our hearts, for is it not God who moves us, whether we are aware of it or not?

Thus, church buildings and all interior embellishments are attempts to glorify God as well as to give worshippers a wow experience of God.

The Sagrada Familia and the Santa Maria de Montserrat Basilica are indeed testaments to human efforts that accord God the appropriate respect and worship.

Overwhelmed by the beauty of the churches I have visited thus far, I felt a heightened sense of sadness over the recent destruction of Coptic churches in Egypt.

Yes it is true that people are what make up the church of God, but the buildings where we gather to worship are physical spaces marked by grace, holy ground, not merely buildings of historical or architectural worth.

They bring to mind what Keats wrote: Beauty is truth. Ecclesial beauty has a truth that is especially penetrating, for it is meant to move minds and hearts toward God.

I can never hope to reach the heights of creativity that Gaudi or the countless architects, artists and craftsmen had, but like those who have gone before me, I will never stop praising His holy name in all I do.

Hidden treasures

I am right now in Barcelona with my mother on our pre-cruise vacation. We booked this cruise a year ago and it is finally happening. But because I have been preoccupied lately, I did not plan our trip well.

As late as the evening of our departure did I discover that I had forgotten to book our train tickets in Italy. Something prompted me at the last moment and I am most grateful. I believe that something was a whisper from the Holy Spirit.

So when I reflected on today's reading, what Saint Paul said to the Colossians struck a chord:

For in him are hidden all treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

Every time I have had to make a decision, be it which airline to fly, which city to visit or which hotel to book; when I would start to feel a little overwhelmed, I would pray, please Jesus, help me make the right decision.

My mother's comfort and enjoyment are main considerations. This is stressful, not because she is difficult to please, but because I want everything to be perfect for her. I can live with a crappy hotel, but I would not want Mummy to endure sub-standard accommodation, or awful anything for that matter.

Plus, this vacation was her idea, her desire. If you knew my mum, you would know that she is a woman of simple tastes and few wants so when she expresses a preference, I run with it. It is not often that I get to fulfil a wish of hers.

It has truly amazed me how in being led by the Spirit, I have been helped by friends, chance conversations with people, and, of course, the advice of many on the Internet.

The mystique of travel is the sense of adventure one has in walking into the unknown and making new discoveries along the way. Even getting lost or making mistakes can yield startling and delightful finds. Much like treasures not really looked for, yet found.

Our first day in Barcelona, yesterday, was a prime example of the hidden treasure principle. With no idea of what to do after checking in, I went with the recommendation of going to La Rambla, the main drag.

In our exertions wandering down the tree-lined boulevard, chance brought us to a church that was beautiful and, best of all, mass was about to start. Not only could I give thanks and continue to offer up this trip to God, but I could also celebrate the feast day of the Nativity of Mary with the whole church and pray for peace in Syria (as requested by Pope Francis). Oh, and the name of the church: Parroquia de la Mare de Deu de Betlem, Our Lady of Bethlehem. How's that for a God-incidence?

This was followed by yummy lunch, where we happened to sit next to a fellow Singaporean who advised me where to go eat in Venice. (Good local food is so much a part of the travel experience.) The restaurant we were in also happened to have free wifi so I could chat with my brothers, telling them we had arrived safely.

I look forward to the following days to see what treasures lie in store for us as we celebrate the beauty of nature and art. And I continue to rely on His wisdom and knowledge to show the way forth.

Grieving the loss

In my last entry, Making crooked paths straight I wrote about how we are created to be in relationship with others. The downside to loving people is we lose them from time to time. And the experience of loss can be devastating for grieving is an unpredictable process that can never be explained.

Who knows why one day you are holding everything together, while the next, you are in pieces, scattered all over the floor.

All it takes is a song, the sight of his mug, ever the slightest hint of association and you crumble into a weepy mess. It is impossible! You wonder how long you have to endure feeling so bad and why you actually feel so bad, especially if your relationship with this person was far from ideal.

A very dear friend of mine lost her husband to cancer recently and she has been having a really tough time, especially because she was the primary caregiver and saw him through the last agonizing days of his life.

When I am with her, I can only sit with her and feel her sorrow, send waves of unspoken empathy. Words of comfort are inadequate so I do not even bother to try. I can only attempt to make her laugh or smile. And, of course, I pray.

Time IS a healer so I can only pray that she will not immerse herself so deeply in grief that she stays frozen in it, or spirals down into depression. I also pray that God will continue to despatch angels her way to light up the darkness so she will not stumble and hurt herself too badly.

My hope is that she turns to Jesus in those unendurable moments and lets Him carry her burdens for His yoke is indeed easy and His burden light and it is in Him alone that we can find rest.

Although she will never "recover" from the loss completely (we never ever do), the scars she bears will strengthen her. She will find out eventually that she will not only survive this loss, but will actually be happy again. She will also be better able to appreciate the blessings of life and feel joy more keenly.

Because she bore witness to her marital vows and cared for a man who was difficult to love, to the very end; because she rose above her own fears and inadequacies to minister to him, while juggling her duties as mother; because she gave it her all to be compassionate and caring even though she was running on empty, she will experience reaping with shouts of joy... in time.

Meanwhile, she must hold fast to Jesus and walk through the valley of darkness, knowing that the Good Shepherd will lead her to greener pastures. Patience and perseverance are, thus, the order of the day, and lots of Kleenex.

What helped me grieve past the worst was reading somewhere that every tear you weep is not wasted, for every tear can be a prayer which God sees and hears, an offering of love that becomes a blessing for the departed, and those left behind.

 Tears are like angel's trumpets that cry out to the Lord in pain.

Making crooked paths straight

Today marks the 10th anniversary of my father's passing. Even though a decade has elapsed since the day he departed, it still seems like a recent happening.

His battle with cancer was, for me, a lifetime of learning conflated into eight intense and emotionally charged months that transformed me indelibly.

I began to see what were the things that were truly important in life and it was definitely not power, fame or money. Nor is it accomplishment, recognition or possessions. As the preacher in Ecclesiastes proclaims: Vanity of vanities, all is vanity. Nothing in life lasts.

However, not a day goes by when I am not reminded of my father and I breathe out a soft, appreciative sigh of sadness. Some things do transcend time, like bonds of love - thank God for that.

Relationships are, therefore, of utmost importance to me and my energies are channelled accordingly toward them. First and foremost, the one I have with God, then the ones I was given at birth, and finally the ones I choose as an adult.

Last Sunday Father Arro said he would ask those who seek to be baptized their motivation in embracing Christianity. If it is to be saved, then it was unnecessary, for all men and women of good will would enter the kingdom of heaven, even without the rite of baptism.

However, what baptism does is it breathes life into a relationship with God. To be a son or daughter to a loving and merciful Father, who washes us clean of original sin and makes us feel like new is a wonderful thing. The Lord is a patient Father who beckons all of us unceasingly, and gives us second chances, no matter how badly we mess up in life.

Baptism is to be born again into a life filled with the sweet-smelling flowers of faith, hope and love despite the rank dankness of suffering we all experience on occasion.

We know that we are never alone, and that we are loved, dearly. In all things and situations, Jesus and God's Holy Spirit walk with us, giving us strength and encouragement, keeping us safe from gut-wrenching fears and doubts.

To be in relationship with God does not imply grim scrupulosity, or a forsaking of the pleasures of life. Rather, it is a bond of love that invites us to enter through the narrow door always (admittedly not an easy thing at times), where we leave behind our baggage of disordered desires and seek to see God face to face, naked and unadorned of the accoutrements of world. No posturing or braggadocio, just the simple joy of communion.

It is all about the quality of heart as Father Arro stressed. Is my heart humble and contrite? Is it open and receptive? Am I innocent and trusting like a child?

When we are in right and tight relationship with God, then we are able to reflect our baptismal badge of honour by loving others as He loves us.

We can be kind to those whom we dislike. We can be forgiving of those who hurt and anger us. We can be bearers of truth and light to the world, bringing justice and peace. We can be blessings to others to the extent we ourselves have been blessed. Our capacity to love becomes infinite.

We can also trace clearly where God makes straight our crooked paths. No matter how broken a relationship may be or how imperfect a love we have for others, it is often repaired and made perfect when we endeavour wholeheartedly to show His love to others.

Despite our dysfunctional relationship, my father and I were able to do just that because we each, in our own way, experienced the healing love of God in our individual lives, especially in those last eight months. And in the end, by attempting to love each other as Jesus loved us, we became the face of Christ to each other. Something I see only now,10 years later.

And that made our relationship a blessing that lives on not just today, but all the days of my life, and beyond. My father's life was not lived in vain and, God willing, neither will be mine.

NB: This entry began as a reflection of the readings of Lay Apostolate Sunday which I found rich in meaning, and I borrowed from heavily - Isaiah 66:18-21, Hebrews 12: 5-7, 11-13 and Luke 13:22-30.

Many stories

I actually attended the NDP (National Day Parade) last Friday afternoon and enjoyed it tremendously, queueing and all (it was fun to people-watch and see how the national flag colours of red and white were worn by many).

The theme this year was Many Stories...One Singapore and it highlighted the personal journeys of fellow Singaporeans and how we, collectively, form a society that makes us uniquely Singaporean.

While it was clearly an attempt to tug at the heartstrings and appeal to the younger generation, I loved the schmaltz. It could have been being part of a 26,000-strong crowd, or the fact that the older I get, the more I feel rooted, proud to call Singapore my home, for my heart is entrenched here.

Sure, the place is not perfect, and many complain about the high cost of living and criticize the government for its high-handed ways; or bemoan how singles are often penalized, especially when it comes to affordable housing... but I happen to think that Singaporeans tend to take for granted the many things we receive that would not be ours anywhere else.

Like the relative safety that allows women to walk alone at three a.m., unafraid of being accosted, while children enjoy hours of fun in the playground without adult supervision and at no risk other than that of a scraped knee or elbow.

There is also a sense of security that comes from having a far-sighted and stable government, whose efforts have enabled its citizens to benefit from a developed infrastructure with world-class transport, healthcare and judicial systems.

Then there is the racial and religious harmony. I like that I can practise my faith freely and openly, with no fear of repercussion or discrimination. I really like how my friends of differing religions enhance and deepen my own belief in God.

I am also grateful for the good education I received and my ability to appreciate the humanities both Western and Eastern. In spite of my sucky Mandarin, I love the Chinese classics as much as I do Shakespeare or Dickinson.

And I delight in the melting pot of cultures for the exposure that I received growing up in such an environment has left me socially adept in any cross-cultural setting, not to mention with an adventurous and sophisticated palate that relishes the weird but creative offerings of various ethnic cuisines.

Nothing beats the pungency and richness of Singlish that speaks volumes in a single phrase. Or the extraordinarily good hawker food that hits the shiok spot. Even kiasuism can be a virtue for it makes for boy scout preparedness, handy in times of emergency.

Although I deplore the often humourless and literal bent of civil servants, I have come to expect the clockwork-like efficiency the city hums, night and day.

The clean streets, pristine buildings and luxuriant foliage make Singapore a beautiful, very liveable, concrete jungle.  

Finally there are the people - my family first, friends, then the various communities I weave in and out in my work and social circles; the good, the bad and the ugly. The people I love and dislike the most live on this island.

My deepest losses, my highs, my worst nightmares and realized dreams have been lived here. I have resided in Singapore most of my life and have grown to love the place in all its imperfections and quirks.

Once I desired to get off this island. Now, I see it as home, the country where God has placed me, for His purposes, and where I can be His ears, voice, hands and feet.

A place where I can make a difference by listening to the many stories of the people who live here, and making them part of my story.

Desired result

After a month of waiting, I finally got the results of my Pilates exam last Thursday. I did well. I got my desired result and more.

I was elated, but at the same time, having waited so long, I was not as thrilled as I should be, and was a little blasé about the whole thing.

E reminded me that it was something to celebrate and she is right.

When I think back on how I felt as I went through the process of preparation, how impossibly high the mountain looked then, and how much I struggled every step of the way, it is a great personal achievement.

It not only serves as a reminder to me that I still have some grey matter left, that when I apply myself, I can actually do a fairly decent job, but it also highlights the faithfulness of God.

He granted the desire of my heart and blessed me abundantly for my diligence and perseverance.

He supplied hope when it was in short supply and inner peace when I was frazzled. I did not drown in depression because He was holding my hand and keeping my feet on the water's surface as I walked.

I suppose why I am not jumping for joy is due to the realization that a good grade is not everything. It is merely a tool to see where I am in terms of knowledge acquisition and retention, as well as being an external validator and job enabler, nothing more.

How well I teach still requires continual effort on my part to keep my skills honed and relevant.

It's like what my godson B said to me when I asked him last Saturday after his confirmation whether he felt Spirit-filled: Not yet.

A gift has been given, a milestone attained. However, we cannot afford to rest on our laurels. Instead, to make the gift or success even more valuable, we must use it well. We must seek to multiply the talents given (last Sunday's apt Gospel) instead of burying it in the ground, thereby killing it.

For B to be Spirit-filled, he must be Spirit-led. He must embrace the joys, sorrows and hardships of being Christian by following in Christ's footsteps on the narrow path. He must be a man of integrity, compassion and mercy who loves without counting the cost.

As for me, I, too, must continue to be led by God's Spirit, and ensure my talents are multiplied to the best of my ability.

Ultimately I desire doing God's will in my life so my hope at the end of my life is that I produce the desired result of good fruit, nourishing and delightful.

Cloud spotting

When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. In my case, when the false ceiling caves in, find a beautiful place to stay in and regroup.

I am currently in Malacca with my mother and uncle. We arrived yesterday at my parents' condo only to find that a leak in the en suite bathroom had caused the false ceiling to collapse. As this probably happened a couple of months ago, unbeknownst to us, there was mould growing on the walls and furniture. Not a pretty sight, nor smell.

We, however, managed to find a lovely restored old house, Cyclamen Cottage (its owners Cindy and Chris are lovely people), to stay in nearby, and despite the unwelcome mess that greeted our eyes, this trip has attained a certain sense of adventure that has vast appeal.

The "disaster" has forced us to be resourceful and decisive and today's reading on Moses and the Israelites following the cloud resonated with me. Especially in times like these, when change is thrust upon me, and issues spring up that require fairly immediate resolution, I find myself more attentive to God's movement in my life.

I begin to look for the cloud that is distinctively different from ordinary clouds, so that I might follow closely and go where He leads.

I listen more keenly to hear the words of wisdom that come out of others' mouths.

It is so easy to react and vent one's frustrations on others, to give in to confusion in the chaos and scream from the loss of control that ensues, but shouting never achieves much, other than one exercising one's lungs and raising one's blood pressure. Far better to turn to the Father and seek His help, which always comes, if one is open to being helped.

I attended a workshop by Father Ignatius Huan last weekend and he stressed the importance of contemplative prayer and praying with Scripture. To make time to rest in God's Word, and allowing it to transform me.

In attempting to be mindful of this, I can definitely see the graces in the day more clearly and feel my way around the uncomfortable situation with more fluidity. And it has not stopped me from enjoying myself and enjoying the friends and family we have been meeting up with.

Time waits for no man, so it is imperative I make lemonade today to celebrate the moment, instead of dwelling on the tartness of the lemon for even a single minute. Not even the haze that suddenly descended upon us this morning can mar the beauty of this day. Something I give thanks and praise for.

I like cloud spotting.