Integrating body and spirit

When I saw my SD last week and he asked me what I would like to pray for, I said I felt very scattered and needed focus. He prayed for an integration of my gifts and came up with a beautiful image of a person's gifts and talents as flowers which when looked at singly may be pretty but when integrated into a bouquet became a spectacular show of contrasting colours, perfumes, shapes and textures.

This word "integration" has been figuring largely in my life this year. Not that it hasn't in the past for I have spent the last five years trying to integrate my spirituality with my sexuality, my beliefs and thoughts with my actions and behaviour and I have been largely successful.

However, in attempting to live out my life as fully as possible, I have overstretched my limits at times and hence I find myself struggling to integrate my talents: be all things to all people in order to be Christ to the world and, at the same time, be a happy, healthy woman in the prime of her life.

Right now there is little integration between my will and my body. I find myself feeling fragile, physically and emotionally.

Tired seems to be my constant state of existence as I rush from place to activity in neverending succession.

I even struggle with turning up for my weekly W2W meeting although I look forward to it for my exhausted body would love it if I could just spend the Friday evening relaxing at home and going to bed early in order to be fresh for a busy Saturday of teaching.

I am Jacob tussling with the angel when it comes to doing what I feel is the right thing to do versus what I really want.

In accepting that the tension between the two will always exist, there is great relief. An insight that was sparked by the realization that I must accept my imperfect past, present and future in my body.

In other words, my life will never perfect, as I will never be perfect and while I should strive for perfection, if I fall short, that's perfectly alright, as long as I have tried my best to be true to myself (and the Father's will) and conducted myself with integrity - all this while respecting the limitations of my physical being.

At last Friday's meeting, we shared on helplessness and feeling trapped. While I sometimes feel trapped by my sense of right and wrong, I realized that it is in moments of utter helplessness when I cease to struggle and just rely totally on God, and that is when I experience relief and freedom.

This realization was common among the women present. Each had her own unique story to share, her own personal cross, yet when each surrendered her situation in its most bewildering, depressing and scariest moments, somehow she was liberated from fear and given the strength to soldier on.

Grace in its purest form is given when we meet Jesus face to face.

I am reminded of a verse from Exodus that encouraged me in the aftermath of a devastating break-up:

'The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.’

So instead of struggling so hard, I will stand still and let time and nature unfurl organically.

Living new life

Life has been particularly hectic the last couple of weeks and my health has suffered for it. While there were times I wished that I could've slow down, I have also enjoyed the busyness of it all.

Easter brought visitors and I most enjoyed getting to know C. who is S.'s charming little boy, and having long chats with S., who is like a dear sister to me. Then there was the lector retreat, followed by a trip to Bangkok which was a mad whirl of shopping and eating - enjoyable but utterly exhausting.

There have also been concerted efforts to meet up with friends, attend required meetings and soul-enriching talks which, on top of the teaching, left very little time for myself and a body that is protesting very loudly by failing to function well.

At last Friday's meeting, A. brought up a very interesting point of integration - how the mind and body must connect in all that we do, that is, will, reason and emotion must all sing on the same page.

You would think that teaching Pilates would help me get it - but that's just it, I have been teaching and not doing, and hence have missed the point completely for a while now.

I have been neglecting my own physical and emotional health by focusing on what I need to do and what I perceive as things that I need to do which are hard to fit into a 24-hour day.

Instead of loving myself, I have been caring for others with a total disregard for my own self. And because I am so exhausted every day, I give in to poor dietary choices and unhealthy couch potato-like behaviour. It's become a cycle of bad lifestyle habits hard to break.

AW also shared last Friday how as a wife, mother and working woman she survives on three-four hours of sleep at least three times a week. A conscientious and loving woman, she struggles with juggling responsibilities.

While there will always be too many responsibilities from the multi-varied roles we are each called to play, there must be harmony within our minds, bodies and souls.

If our health is less than perfect: if we are physically unfit/overweight/constantly tired, if we suffer from a variety of mysterious aches and pains, if we are too tired to even know how we feel or seem to be low in spirits, if we are mentally stressed and find it hard to relax, if we find it hard to sleep well at night, if we are irritable and illogical... this is a wake-up call.

Listen to your body - what is it saying to you? If it is not happy in any way, there is something seriously wrong with the way you are living your life.

Being loving, caring human beings who serve others does not mean we should suffer by being in less than optimum health.

We must treat our bodies with respect by getting the requisite amount of sleep, eating well (a nutritionally sound diet that moderates or abstains from unhealthy food choices) and exercising (the human body was made to move and I am not talking about walking to the fridge to get a snack or channel-surfing here).

Being "ensouled bodies", we must treat our souls with the same amount of respect by exercising our spiritual muscle and making time to nourish our relationship with Jesus.

If we make time to know Christ, and ourselves, intimately, we will never stray too far or get too lost. For our inner compass will always work to steer us in the right direction, especially in moments of crisis. But one must use this compass constantly if not it will get rusty and untrue.

Exercising spiritual muscle is a little more complicated for we live in a world where many evils abound, some clothed in perceived goodness. I think it's vital to make good recreational choices - in the movies we watch, the music we listen to and the pastimes we indulge in - as well as moderate what we are exposed to media-wise for the rule of GIGO (garbage in, garbage out) applies.

This rule applies to friends as well. I am fond of telling my youngest brother, "You lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas." So who you hang out with is something to consider very carefully.

Self-possession is also key and it begins with the small things like not eating the next delicious mouthful that will push you over the edge into over-eating, and guarding against addictions and compulsive behaviour.

The moment you say, "I can't help myself", "I really need to finish this before I..." or "Just one more..." warning bells should go off in your head.

I have set myself a goal of a pain-free and fit body by year's end and I am as far from it as I can possibly be. So my Easter promise to myself is to begin living a new life, instead of just talking about it.

Let new life begin.

Child

Child has the inalienable right to be loved,
For who he is, for her own being.
Not what he can become, or what she does well,
or what Child represents in the grown-up's universe.
Too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny,
Too quiet, too noisy, too stupid, too naughty,
Her eyes are too small, his ears stick out,
She's too dark, he's too fair - too ugly.
The litany of unmet expectations and exacting judgments
Obscure the fact that Child is perfect!
As is. Not one freckle more or less.
Regardless of shortcomings, disabilities, size, shape, form or sex.
In spite of the circumstances of birth, good and bad.
Child is a priceless gift, to be cherished,
Savoured each passing day,
From first smile to first word to first date.
Clothed in loving affirmation, she will grow, he will mature
Into the image and likeness of each parent's best self.
The world a playground and safe haven
Where Child is creator, giving birth to new life
Every single day.

Gaming lessons

I spent the previous weekend in Kluang (outside JB) and returned home completely exhausted with a bokok nose to boot, but in high spirits.

What began as a simple desire to use my gift of reading aloud has led to being part of St. Teresa's PPC (Parish Pastoral Council) Exco - a responsibility I never sought and I was quite dismayed when I was elected. However, I did say "yes" as Edwina, the retreat facilitator, pointed out.

Indeed I did.

The PPC retreat began with probing questions on why each of us was there. It was heartening to note that there were quite a few who felt like I did ("Aiyah, why me, ah?"). As we went through the planned activities - mostly games - a transformation soon took place.

I learned to stop looking back to examine how I arrived at this point, but instead to be present in the moment and to recognize God's presence in the moment.

I got to know my fellow councillors and it was equally enjoyable and humbling to get to know some of them - good men and women of faith. (It was also mega fun to hang out with my cousin J. whose high empathy taught me a lesson or two.)

Other new skills I picked up were how to work in a team successfully: never to make assumptions but to assume that we each have a different way of processing information and to therefore clarify continually; to be aware of the people factor and not just focus on getting the task done; and to be empathetic and cooperative in getting a job done collectively. And, of course, to persevere in all things.

The two days spent in communal prayer and fellowship also brought back great memories of my first experience of community life in Bangalore in 2003 and my "burning bush" experience. A timely reminder of how God always answers prayer.

Apart from having fun, my learning lesson about myself is that I tend to be negative for I am highly critical of self and I need to take myself less seriously. I also need to love myself even when I goof up and accept I make mistakes, like everyone else.

At the start of Lent, my SD did challenge me to dive into the deep and despite the busyness of my life, I think I have managed to do just that.

Thank God for fun and games.

Perfection challenge

I've been experiencing a restlessness of heart which I've identified only recently and in seeking its reason, I realized it was linked to my stymied prayer life.

While I desire an even more intimate relationship with Jesus, my spirit has been distracted and I have not been giving this relationship the time and space to grow.

So it was clearly not by accident that I picked up Rolheiser's Forgotten Among the Lilies and began reading.

The book is a collection of essays on how to live a Christ-centred life beyond our fears, restlessness, passions and desires within the landscape of quotidian needs and demands.

It's a fab book that contains a wide berth of topics that are salient to everyday Christian living but I will not go into book review mode, except to say it is a highly recommended read.

Rolheiser quotes Socrates in several essays to underscore the importance of prayer and introspection: "The unexamined life is not worth living."

It made me realize that I have neglected a proper examen of consciousness* lately which has led to this void and left me wanting.

Ignatius of Loyola prescribed a "method" to find God in all things and examine how the Spirit moves in one's daily life in order to deepen the relationship with God.

It starts first with taking time out to be in the presence of God.

Then to give thanks for the day's specific and unique gifts.

Followed by a review of one's actions and attitudes in the Spirit of truth for better self-knowledge.

A playback of the day's events within the context of the internal movements of one's heart allows the opportunity for self-growth and a way forward to freedom from attachments and addictions.

Finally an intimate conversation with Jesus will allow resolution and inner peace, with an eye to future action.

During the International Women's Day thanksgiving mass last Saturday, Fr. Paul Staes remarked that we should not let circumstances dictate who we are for we are, each of us, invited by God to be perfect, just as Jesus was.

The challenge to be "perfect" is an interesting one for it would seem an impossible quest, to be blemish-free and/or complete, especially since to be human is to be imperfect.

Jesus seems to have pulled off this feat of perfection through prayer, never letting up on looking for opportunities to spend time with His Father, especially during the brief years of His ministry.

If we look at saints through the ages, they followed in Jesus' footsteps in this unrelenting appetite for prayer despite the seasons of dryness and trials that came into their lives.

This Lent, I am attempting to go with Rolheiser's recommended minimum of one hour set aside for prayer daily.

I do so want to be perfect for this perfect man in my life.

* See http://www.norprov.org/spirituality/ignatianprayer.htm for a more detailed explanation of the foundation of Ignatian prayer and a bookmark that helps one do the examen of consciousness daily.

For P

With you I dove deeper, gave more than with any other,
You were the one I chose to live with, happy ever after.
For you made me smile, sharing promises of life
Ruby rich and deliciously golden.
Together we conjured a kaleidoscope of memories
Each more beautiful than the next.
Until you told me you wanted out!
Said I wasn't the one anymore. After all.
That's life. Hurts like hell but I will survive,
There is no option for I will always choose the light.
Even in the blinding madness a voice
Steers me to safety in whispers divined
I am loved too much to give up on myself
Crushed and crumbled though I now lay,
Restoration, resurrection is at the potter's hand.
While surrender isn't easy, I rely solely on grace,
I know I can look forward to the day
I let you go with a smile and no backward glance,
A bounce in my step, my heart filled with gratitude.
For His love is sufficient, with Him I shall not want.

Signs and wonders

I just attended a seminar on "Types of Healing" by Bob Canton over last weekend and was blown away by what I witnessed. Here is a man anointed by God to perform miracles of healing, just as Jesus did when He walked the earth.

Bob shared his story of how he did not think he was worthy of the task he was called to initially but continued to let the Lord lead and is now travelling the world over, making the Gospel come alive by demonstrating Jesus' love, mercy and compassion through healing, telling everyone that the kingdom of God is here and now, bringing glory and honour to God by drawing people to Jesus and salvation.

My takeaway from the weekend is that God uses ordinary people, wounded healers (as Henri Nouwen would call them) to carry out His will. If we are able to avail ourselves of the Holy Spirit that resides in us through our baptism to cultivate a praying, discerning heart, receive the sacraments frequently and develop a listening ear to what God wants, then you and I, we, can perform miracles that bring healing.

We don't have to look for "signs and wonders" (preached by "false prophets") but instead "signs and wonders" will follow us.

As we live in a world where scientific and technological advances have explained away the wonder and awe of God's creations; and look increasingly for external signs of God before we deign to believe, this was refreshing - a challenge to live up to my faith.

Faith is a gift from God and one that is fuelled by an interior life nourished by the discipline of prayer. According to the Gospels, faith heals and makes us whole while St. Paul reminds us to "walk by faith, not by sight".

Despite the miracles I witnessed this weekend, my faith in God is no more or no less than when my life was in shambles and I was caught in a downward spiral of emotional hell.

My faith is not reliant on events or people. It just is.

Through grace, the grace of conversion, a deep inner conviction born of the felt presence of a loving God and the ability to soldier on even when the wells of faith run dry.

The weekend has caused me to wonder about the depth of my faith and how I live it out actively in my daily life.

And I resolve to love more boldly, more richly and more fearlessly for faith without love is nothing*.

* Read 1 Corinthians 13

True to nature

I have been meditating on Sarah (read Genesis 12 onwards) this week for she will be the woman we will discuss tomorrow evening at the W2W Ministry weekly meeting (we are covering women in the Bible).

It's quite amazing to me that at age 65, she willingly embarked on an arduous and dangerous journey with her husband Abraham into an unknown land, later gave her husband permission to have a child with another woman because she thought she herself was incapable of the task and has her husband's ear in a way that suggests he loves and respects her as an equal.

Both Sarah and Abraham clearly lived out their marital vows committed to one another, through thick and thin, better and worse. Certainly a model of marriage that seems outmoded by the rise in divorce figures and the number of "committed' relationships men and women run through in one lifetime.

In David Quammen's book The Flight of the Iguana, there is an essay entitled The Miracle of the Geese where he proposes that geese are the image of "humanity's own highest self" for they "embody liberty, grace and devotion" in they way they live. "Geese mate monogamously and for life" for both male and female rely on each other for survival.

They are committed by "physiology and anatomy, to a life of mutual reliance in permanent twosomes" dictated, in part, by the incredible distances they have to travel on their annual migration and a life that is hard by any measure.

Given the many choices that allure us in today's world, couples have lost this sense of hardball commitment that is the glue to marriage as it was created to be, for a lifetime of tears and laughter, bearing witness to the foibles and victories of everyday banality.

Instead we now live in a world of disposable utensils, appliances and, sadly, relationships.

If only we took a leaf out of nature, and like the geese, re-discover what it is to be in a monogamous relationship, making the requisite sacrifices to create a relationship of love that will bear fruit.

If only we loved as Abraham and Sarah did, traversing time and distance in the bid to be faithful to their ideals and find "pleasure" in their latter years.

Humans were created for a purpose. When we live true to nature, true to the purpose that we were created for, then we will discover the meaning of life that is "ecclesiastical" and be able to restore "eternity to life".

Because we can

While the new U.S. president has adopted the rousing "Yes we can" to counter the economic gloom brought on by the financial tsunami that has engulfed the world, what seems to be more representative of the times is the self-indulgent "Because we can".

"Because we can live on credit, it's okay to buy, eat and drink as much as we want. So what if we live beyond our means?"

"Because we can get away with it, let's dip into someone else's pocket and 'borrow' some funds. They're rich, they won't know or feel it."

"Because that hot colleague wants me, we can indulge our sexual desires. Hey, it's only sex, we're not hurting anyone or cheating."

"Because we love each other, we can totally disregard our spouses and families, and focus on attaining our own happiness. Anything that feels this good must be right."

"Because we can fool everyone, let's lie, bribe, cheat, steal, commit murder, break every rule in the book to get what we want. As long as we don't get caught, it's cool."

"Because we can, let's waste precious resources and continue despoiling the earth, taking everything we can for our own comfort. Who cares about future generations, all that matter is I, me and myself in the here and now!"

The signs of relativism, consumerism and materialism are symptomatic of a society devoid of morals, integrity and a lack of a fundamental sense of right and wrong.

Worse, we don't realize when we are wrong or have behaved inappropriately for "everyone is doing it so it's fine" seems to be the perfect 'out' clause.

If the world were a happier place, that may be cause for justification, but there seems to be more lonely, unhappy people; more addictions and substance abuse; more infidelity and broken marriages/families; more hurt and rage and killings... more darkness in the world due to selfish motives of ego-centric beings driven by money, success, power, fame and misplaced ideals.

What can be done to regain that inner compass that directs us to recognize and choose not only good over bad but best over better?

It begins with the realization that everything we have was first given to us out of love from the Creator.

It begins with wisdom to understand who we are, where we come from, what we can accomplish, when we should just be and why love - selfless, mature and sacrificial love - is the only thing that matters.

It begins with gratitude for all things in life right down to the next breath we draw.

It begins with the humility to appreciate the happy incidence of grace.

St. Ignatius of Loyola wrote a prayer commonly known as suscipe, which is Latin for 'receive' that can help us make the best choice:

"Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding and my entire will. All I have and call my own, You have given to me; to you, Lord, I return it. Everything is yours; do with it what you will. Give me only your love and your grace. That is enough for me."

Because we can choose good over evil... make a positive impact... realize our potential to the fullest... make the world a better place... be a catalyst to progressive change... be honest, upright, loving, caring, sharing... and a half-decent human being.

Yes we can!

Brewing goodness

I recently caught a TV programme on herbs and what this herbalist from Eu Yan Sang said was that when each individual herb is brewed on its own, it may not yield a remedy that is healthful.

However when the right mix of berries, seeds, leaves and roots are selected and brewed together, a magical transformation takes place and drinking the resulting decoction efficaciously heals and brings the body back into harmony.

This simple truth is reflected in cooking where the right marriage of ingredients creates a harmonious explosion of flavours on the palate, and a fecund spiritual life.

As individuals, we are each gifted with unique talents which we first utilise to reap financial gain and work towards a physically comfortable life for ourselves. Nothing wrong in that at all.

But man/woman was not created to be alone. We were created to live in community, the family being the most basic unit of community.

As such, when we use our talents for others, sharing in love what we have and what we can and want to bring to the table, the beneficiary is not only the receiver, but the giver as well.

I have experienced this as a reality in ICPE's W2W Ministry. As a community of women, we gather weekly to share our life experiences, giving thanks to the One who made it all possible, bonded by our love for Christ and our sincere desire to grow into mature women of faith.

The honesty and vulnerability of each woman makes each meeting a sacred space that Jesus enters and is powerfully present. There are many insights and much healing for something indefinably potent happens when a community prays together that is different from solitary prayer.

If you're serious about spiritual growth in life, consider the power of community and experience how unity in diversity makes for quantum leaps in faith and character building.

Balancing act

Today is the first day of the Lunar New Year and I finally have some quiet time. It's been a busy time spring cleaning, shopping for all manner of food and having branches of the extended family over for lunch today.

Many thanks to my sis-in-law W., cousin A., Lynn and my brothers who helped out with prepwork, and cousin J. who helped with the wash up - couldn't have done it without them. Why is it that every year I forget how much work it all entails?

I am quite pleased with how the dishes turned out despite my forgetfulness (only remembered ingredients midway of a stir-fry). Well, I did pray that Dad would be there in spirit guiding me - after all, cooking for the family is my way of paying him homage.

This hospitality, or as the Hawaiians call it, the spirit of aloha, is one that I value more as I get older. There is a sense of joy in being able to make someone feel welcome and sitting down together to good food and conversation.

As I scurried around, I reminded myself to keep focusing on "the one thing", unlike Martha who was so intent on serving that she was upset with her sister Mary for not helping out, and was eventually reminded to choose the "better part".

There will always be a tension between being able to do everything (perfectly) and finding the time to focus on Jesus and his availability to the people around Him.

Given my perfectionistic streak, I have a tendency to disregard the human element in getting a task done right, often sacrificing graciousness in the process.

I'm glad I was not so manic this new year, that I was able to let certain things go, and most importantly, that I was able to give thanks and enjoy the bounty and the fellowship that has been provided by my Maker.

Epiphany

As the newborn slumbers in the night, his mother
Gazes at him in wonder and delight.
What a miracle the child is!
He is precious, perfect - a prince of peace.
Even the angels concur, carolling
Jubilant tunes across the star-studded skies
Drawing shepherds and their flocks from afar
To see the saviour of the world in swaddling soft.
While star-trailing kings from the East bear gifts
Of gold, frankincense and myrrh
The highest honour to Emmanuel, God-with-us.
Nativity epiphany!
To see what is revealed in the wintry darkness
Revering, revelling in the mystic truth
That a tiny babe can redeem humanity
Conquering sin through love through time,
No greater love has man than a god who loved
The world so much that he gave his only son
To be born; to live and die agonizingly alone.
Bearing the gift of eternal life in his human entity
The Christ child brings us back to the beginning_
The way it's supposed to be.
When man and woman were created
To live in unity.

Love and honour

If the way I have spent New Year's Day is indicative of what is to come in the rest of the year, then this year will indeed be a time of rest, recollection, reflection, inspiration and creativity.

Last evening, I was given the opportunity to welcome in the new year with a thanksgiving mass at St. Teresa's with family members, while this morning I lounged around luxuriously in my jammies, with my mother for soothing companionship.

I also managed to watch the movie Love and Honor, Bushi no ichibun, by Yoji Yamada. It was a gorgeous tale of love conquering adversity - of Shinnojo Mimura, a samurai who was blinded in the line of duty and how he sought to avenge the dishonour of his wife, Kayo, who in seeking to address the calamity of her husband's misfortune had fallen prey to an unscrupulous samurai, Toya Shimada.

In purportedly offering aid to the young couple after the event that led to Shinnojo's blindness, Shimada has demanded recompense by taking advantage of Kayo, whose beauty he had lusted after for years.

Kayo had submitted unwillingly, caught in the situation, as she believed Shimada would redeem her now-useless husband's livelihood. Subsequently she was blackmailed by Shimada and acquiesced to his demands in misery, knowing full well that the husband she loved and would die for would eventually find out and kill her for her "infidelity".

Upon discovering the truth, Shinnojo divorces Kayo and drives her away, and sets about to relearn his fighting skills as a blind warrior, before challenging Shimada to a duel.

In his single-minded pursuit of Kayo's lost honour, Shinnojo cuts off Shimada's arm amd the defeated samurai eventually commits the final act of seppuku, taking to his grave the identity of his nemesis.

In the final scenes of the movie, Shinnojo debates whether it would have better if he had not discovered the truth for he acknowledges that he has acted wrongly against Kayo whom he loves and who never stopped being his loving and faithful wife.

Shinnojo's humility marks him as a man who loves much and despite his blindness, is able to see the unvarnished truth about himself and those around him.

The movie brought home to me that love and honour are inextricably linked and thus in seeking to bring God honour, I must not forget Christ's principle of love in all things for without love, honour is meaningless.

What also moved me was the portrayal of spousal love between Shinnojo and Kayo, how each were willing to sacrifice self for the benefit of the other, and how each lived out the role of husband and wife respectively, with great tenderness and nobility.

As I begin the new year with fresh resolve to live with integrity, I ask for the ability to realize my still nascent and amorphous desires in order to bear much fruit in 2009.
I also ask that I accomplish everything honourably, and with much love.

Giving thanks

The lead-up to Christmas has left me physically exhausted, a case of trying to do too many things/please too many people.

So it’s nice to be able to kick back and reflect on the year which has galloped by at breakneck speed.

My biggest accomplishment in 2008 was writing a 5,000-word paper on John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.

While I got a distinction for the paper and received tremendous affirmation from my good grade, true success lies in how I concretize the philosophy of the late pope in my life - something I suspect I will spend the rest of life doing, given its profundity and depth.

I consider 2008 a year well spent for I put my talents for teaching and writing to good use and I’d like to think that my industry bore good fruit.

In the process, I was blessed financially and I continue to be awed at God’s providence that has enabled me to pursue my desires, studying TOB in Melbourne being chief among them.

Relationships are the meat of existence and it was a year of feasting. I got to know my rellos in Melb (many radiant smiles and wet kisses from James and Hamish) and a visit from my Oz-based aunt made 2008 very special indeed.

My year-end gift came in the form of my cousin back from the UK to stay. We’ve kept in touch through the years but nothing beats face time and just sitting down to a meal together. Welcome home J., so glad you're home!

As for friends, good girl and guy friends, a tribute to all I know who have made my life sweeter, richer and helped me grow. You are all God’s gift to me and have enabled me to get through a truly manic year by blessing me with your love and making me feel pretty special.

If I were to characterize the year in one word, that word would be STRETCH. Intellectually, physically, psychologically, spiritually, in every way possible was I challenged to take it to the next level.

While I have never felt up to the task (like leading worship), I have not backed down and although results are less than perfect at times, I remind myself that sincerity makes up for under-par performance.

I am most grateful for the healing of my gastric problems, the amazingness of JP2, the ability to let go of past loves and a “think BIG” goal for the future.

I am least grateful for my lemon-sized fibroid, sprained, tight muscles and the extra padding of fat I’ve accumulated over the months.

I wish I have had more hours in the day, more discipline, more sleep and more will power.

I rejoice that I was so centred, so persevering, so hopeful and had so much to be grateful for.

Today, I am just glad that I have time to write and say thank you to the one who made all this possible.

Adventous action

I recently went in to see my SD and he asked me, "What does Christmas mean for you?" He had asked me the same question just at the start of Advent and was enquiring how I had been spending the weeks thus.

We had previously discussed the visitation and how Mary must've been encountering the darkest moments of her young life even as she uttered the words of the lovely Magnificat.

I had entered Advent in darkness myself for I had questions about my health (I feel like my body is in the worst state it's ever been due to abuse and neglect) and my fidelity to Jesus (I have not been writing lately but have instead sought the mind-numbing state of TV inertia).

I felt beset by my own weaknesses and human imperfections.

Despite the self-imposed darkness, there have been moments of light, insight and gratitude during this period of Advent as I have tried to keep in mind what SD had said about focusing on prayer and Scripture in attempting to decipher my own interpretation of Christmas.

During this latter meeting, I shared about how I felt challenged to do something this Christmas that was uncharacteristic for me and required quite a bit of psychic energy to muster the courage to carry through, he commented that this season of the liturgical calendar is a time for coming out of our comfort zones.

Just as Joseph and Mary had travelled far from home and family to Bethlehem, with Joseph probably having to stop on the way to seek work as a carpenter in order to finance their arduous journey, the couple would have found themselves far outside their comfort zones.

Alone, homeless, with a child on the way, what was supposed to be a joyous occasion with friends and relatives present to celebrate was instead a sojourn in a strange place marked by a singular lack of support.

And yet, because of their faith and acceptance of the situation, the willingness to be led by the Spirit, the eventual momentous occasion of the birth of Christ in a humble manger was witnessed and welcomed by lowly shepherds and their flocks, a celestial guiding light and and the otherworldly beauty of angels' voices.

The "coming" of the Lord does indeed happen in ways unimaginable and surprisingly joyous despite the strangeness of the situation.

One recurrent thought this Advent has been to let God be God and as I follow the dictates of my heart, led by the Spirit, I await the coming of the infant Jesus in taking the unusual action of coming out of my comfort zone to glorify Him in ways novel and creative.

Totally yours

©"L'Osservatore Romano"
photos from the book
John Paul II:
A Light for the World.


I just watched the documentary on John Paul II's life, "Witness to Hope", and found it very inspiring. What an amazing man!

Here was someone who was willing to push the boundaries in sharing with the world the love of Christ.

Here was a religious who sought to understand the world and brought his message of hope to the masses, and in so doing, was instrumental in uniting the people of Poland to bring to an end the rule of communism, followed later by the destruction of the Berlin wall.

A man of many talents (actor, poet, playwright, philosopher, academician, linguist) JPII could've chosen any road to venture forth and been a success at whatever he put his mind to, but he decided to answer the calling from above.

Just as Mary conveyed her assent to the angel Gabriel and then proceeded to live a life of quiet and titanium-clad faithfulness to God despite the immediately apparent difficulties and definite future heartbreak, JPII was a man who knew the cost of saying yes but went ahead to passionately live out his ideals and beliefs.

His ability to accomplish so much within his lifetime is by virtue of grace, but also through his full cooperation with the Holy Spirit.

He lived by his motto "Totus Tuus", "Totally Yours", which echoed Mary's fiat - not a surprising choice for he had a special affinity with the mother of Christ throughout his life, a relationship that influenced his actions greatly.

While I like to believe that I say yes to being faithful to Christ and his unique way of loving and being every day, it's a struggle to be mindful of my own actions every conscious moment.

Falling or failing is not that uncommon an occurrence, sadly.

According to those close to him, John Paul II found his anchor in daily mass and contemplative prayer despite his exhausting schedule as pope.

As the end of the year looms and I begin to ponder on how I've spent my time, I know I can always do better, especially in the area of prayer.

So as I seek to be a better disciple of Christ, I also thank God for giving me faithful witnesses like John Paul II to encourage me and challenge me to choose wisely and to choose God every time.

Lord, grant me the grace to be yours totally.

Through His eyes

This week I was pleasantly surprised when the optometrist told me that my current pair of contact lenses was over-corrected and that my new contacts, with reduced power, would give me "perfect" vision. I would be able to see both far and near clearly. No reading glasses needed. Pretty cool, huh.

One of the few things that really irked me about the ageing process was "old flower eyes". I can deal with the wrinkles, the weight gain, the daily muscular aches and all the other signs of ageing, but what an incredible pain not to be able to read clearly.

Reflecting on my new, improved vision, I found in it a metaphor for my spiritual life. Is it not true that as we mature in our Christian walk, we should be able to see better as we begin to acquire, bit by bit, the vision of love that is uniquely Christ's?

While I can never, as St. Paul puts it, "see but a poor reflection as in a mirror" until I "see face to face" due to my own distortions and weaknesses here on earth, I can, through my constant desire to see "the face of God", reduce my human-adjusted vision.

I still remember what it used to be like in my late 20s and early 30s, when I was groping in the dark for answers to my life, ill at ease with myself and greatly dissatisfied with certain areas in my life.

It was only when the vision enabled by faith was given to me that I began to view my world in a different light.

I then prayed to be able to see His face and hear His voice for I had been blind and deaf to who God was for many years and therefore not adept at discerning His presence in my life.

Suddenly, things became crystal clear as I began to see with the eyes of my heart, within which dwelled the essence of who I was and God's Spirit which was gifted to me when I was 11 days old.

It's hard to keep clear-sighted at all times for there will be twists and blind corners in the road ahead. Or days where a fog of darkness will descend to linger indefinitely.

As long as I remember to hold fast to the moments of truth (when I see with absolute clarity) that come my way, and steer my course accordingly, I do not fear getting lost or losing myself in the deserts of life.

And so I start each day with a personal petition to be able to see His face and hear His voice always, and thereby also acquire the art of seeing the world through His eyes.

For today, I am most grateful for my improved eyesight that affords the ability to not only read fine print, but to gaze inward and see Jesus looking back at me with love in His eyes.

Gift of death

"Death is the greatest gift God has given us," declared Fr. Arro today at mass celebrating All Souls' Day. Seeing as he was speaking to a church full of living souls who already know what it is to experience the great gift of life, he was right.

Death is the only way we can experience new life. It is the doorway to a richer and fuller life, one that is in complete communion with God. No longer would we be looking at life "through the glass darkly", seeing only partially, and experiencing the fullness of life and love in elusive glimmers that escape us as soon as they appear.

In TOB, JP2 calls this perfect union of man's soul with God's original nakedness.

When God created man and woman, there was a perfect union between man and God, woman and God, and man and woman. Man and woman were naked but felt no shame.*

They were literally and figuratively naked - completely vulnerable to the other and yet completely open and trusting.

There were no miscommunication or hidden agendas for each accepted and loved the other unconditionally, as a precious gift.

There was no baggage or brokenness to blight the relationship as both man and woman were in union with the Creator and in harmony with each other.

As we all know, it was disobedience that caused the Fall and fractured that communion with God and thereby affecting all our earthly relationships with each other.

However, because Jesus came to save us, giving up his life for us, we were redeemed and brought back to the beginning, where relationships were forged of unconditional love.

This is big for it means we can potentially regain the perfect union with God and perfect relationships with each other.

The only problem is humans have this tendency to forget what perfection is and are driven by this yearning for more in life, rarely satisfied for more than a brief moment in time.

And so we have to be content with ephemeral and fragile perfect moments of communion and look forward to the long final sleep of death that will awaken us to new life.

In the meantime, I can only fight against my forgetfulness by cultivating a heart of gratitude, giving thanks to the Creator for every breath I take, and to make the effort to journal and record all singular moments of perfection as they present themselves in my life's journey.

* Genesis 2:25