Mixed bag

And just like that, we are almost at the end of 2024. How I felt at Christmas was exactly how I felt this entire year – it was a mixed bag of joy, peace, anger, frustration, fulfilment, challenge, exhaustion, achievement, and fun. There were moments of perfection in imperfect situations, tears amidst the love and laughter. Through it all there was grace, the single tensile thread that strung everything and me together, and that enabled me to rise above my very imperfect inclinations and brokenness to experience beauty, goodness, and truth that spurs me on to become a better person. If God never gives up on me, how can I give up on myself, and others?

Father Mike Schmitz says perseverance is the shameless refusal to quit, and I need to become even more shameless in the coming year for I am such a work-in-progress. But have I grown this year? I would like to think I have. I have learned to let go and not be so OCD; to let things flow as they will, in the Spirit (this after I knock my head on the wall several times until I wise up, of course). I have also learned to not take things so personally, to laugh at myself so I would say I have grown in self-esteem. Perhaps I am just too tired to care anymore, but whatever works, right?

I have also learned to be a little more appreciative of every gift I receive, even when it doesn’t come in the way I expect it to come, and this applies mostly to people’s actions and intentions. Knocking down that perfectionistic streak in me and not letting it control me is an ongoing effort. This goes hand in hand with my bid to grow in the virtue of gentleness, to grow in the ability to say only life-giving words and bite back the harsh ones on the tip of my tongue.

One of the biggest achievements for me this year is self-care. I end the year so much stronger physically, and with fewer aches and pains that come from loss of muscle mass. I was in so much pain when we were in Turkey in April that I told myself, I can only go upwards  - no more downward spiralling. What I find most amusing is Pilates really works, something I am experiencing as I practise it more myself, rather than just teaching it. That I got a reformer for free this year is a sign from Someone I know that I need to put more effort in maintaining the temple of God that is my body. He doesn’t get more obvious than that.   

My biggest failure is an addiction to games that has been a real time-waster this year. So I have to pull the plug on this. It is really bad role modelling for the grandkids, and I need to stop this mindless drain of my time and energy. So you heard it first. I am stopping today!

I would like to end with an insight I received on Christmas eve when I was struggling to find the joy of Christmas at midnight mass:

He is the God of second chances, the light in the darkness which we have been given to light our own way when we have no light ourselves. No matter how dark our lives may seem to be or how stuck in sin we are, there is always hope, a new beginning, a new birthing, the potential to grow in holiness, an opportunity to right our wrongs. So may His birth be your strength, your light, your joy this Christmas season.  

Eight years on

Dearest heart,

Eight years, 96 month or 2922 days
Of loving you, having and holding you
In my heart, words and actions

Often I am mule-headed, perverse or silly
Yet I never stop trying to be better
Better at cherishing, honouring and respecting you

To cleave as one
United in faith, hope and charity
Guided by the Spirit

Thank you for being in my life
Thank you for loving me
Most of all, I thank Our Mother for all her timely interventions

Without her, Jesus or the Holy Spirit
We would be in the weeds
Unable to heal, prosper and be fruitful

Love, instead, is our life buoy
Afloat with new possibilities
Effervescing with new life

I look forward to our future with great eagerness
For our past history promises much:
More laughter, much joy, and incredible tenderness

May the Lord continue to lead us
May He be our source, stronghold and sustenance
May we continue to radiate His love to each other, to those we love, and to the rest of the world.

Happy 8th, a little late, but with lots of love and gratitude! JXXX 

Happy 4th!

Today marks the fourth anniversary, your dies natalis, your birthday into heaven. I am still a little sad although I rejoice that you are with the One whom you love so dearly, and I am immensely grateful you were so much a part of my life and my spiritual journey; as you continue to be

You have been such a gift to me and your spirit continues to spur me on, this ever-enlarging heart of a missionary disciple who loved (and still loves) the poorest of the poor among us. 

Miss you beyond words. I was going to buy chocolate cake to eat when I visited you just now, but Macdonald's was on the way so a hot fudge sundae was just as appropriate. I recall we both had one at the Mickey D's in Toa Payoh many years back. 

Continue to pray for us, all of us who know you and miss you still. An ocean of hugs and kisses. XXX

Viva Il Papa

Thursday, September 12, 2024 will forever remain etched in my memory as the day Pope Francis most congenially celebrated mass to mark our 93^rd month of marriage. I joked with P that it was nice of our Holy Father to pop by Singapore to help us celebrate our monthiversary.

P and I mark the 12^th of every month with prayer and, where possible, with Mass. This is because we consecrated ourselves to Mother Mary on our wedding day and we repeat the consecration prayer monthly to renew ourselves in the Spirit and remember our wedding vows to each other.

I never really noticed that 12 September is also the Memorial of the Most Holy Name of the Blessed Virgin Mary until it was noted at the Papal Mass. It was a wow moment for me for it felt like a double blessing. Mother Mary, the one who brought us together in marriage, and who keeps us bound together in love is the one whose name I invoke very often when I pray for the wisdom and clarity to know how to walk. I also desire her gentleness which I so sorely lack - she is my role model.

Although I was not quite looking forward to the crowds, 50,000 people is daunting for me, I really had a wonderful time. I met up with so many people I knew and haven’t seen in a while. I got to pray the Rosary and Divine Mercy with so many brothers and sisters before the Eucharistic celebration. My community came from all different parts of the stadium to attempt a group photo and that for me represented the nature of my faith – universal, for everyone; diverse yet united as echoed by the theme of the event Together in Unity and Hope.   

I am grateful that I got to see Pope Francis in person, and to be inspired by his simple joy and strong faith. He is indeed the successor of Peter, the rock on which Christ has built His church from the time of Peter until present time. How arduous this entire 12-day trip must have been for him, a trip that took him to Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, Timor Leste and, finally, Singapore.  He was always on the go, going from event to event, crowd to crowd, under the constant cynosure of the press, with very little opportunity to just chill and be himself.

His message to young people of being courageous, to take risks, and to get out of our comfort zones in order to connect with others of different faiths was on point. The world needs more building up and connecting, than tearing down and dividing. Let me apply these principles not just to those I meet on an everyday basis, but first and foremost within my own home, and especially within my own marriage. Grazie mille, Papa Francesco.      

On the journey

ICPE Mission Singapore, my community, just ran a six-day Pastoral Care Course, PCC, last week. It brought back memories of my own three-week Pastoral Counselling School in 2003, which set me on the right path, or should I say in right relationship with Jesus, and I have never looked back. 

As I prepared for this retreat, I spent much time in prayer for the participants that some of them, and eventually all of them, would experience the goodness, and mercy of God such that it would transform their lives, bringing a richness that wasn’t there before. The inner peace and self-satisfaction I have gained from striving to be at one with Jesus through the years come from a place of healing that began in 2003 and continues to this day. I am always super psyched to see others experience the same, and become more effective at living, witnessing and evangelizing.   

My wish is that they will each find delight in their own identity as a child of God and never lose sight of what’s most important in life: eternal salvation, something truly worth fighting for. May no one get tired of doing what is good, for each one will reap the harvest if he or she does not give up, to paraphrase Saint Paul in his letter to the Galatians in chapter 6, verse 9.  

Some of the concepts and tools presented at the PCC are not new, nor are they rocket science, but they serve to remind us, encourage us and spur us on to greater heights. And we must never forget we are missionary disciples, on a journey to bring Christ to others, as we ourselves have been brought to Him by others. This legacy of paying it forward and of making the world a better place is inscribed in our hearts in the gift of baptism that, for most of us, was a gift we were too young to appreciate fully. This is the main thrust of the PCC, that we are each of us wounded healers.

Of course there is suffering and loss in life, and for some of us, more rather than less, but we do have a secret weapon, Jesus. When we cover our wounds with and in His wounds, we will find resurrection and hope in our own lives. We need to do our part by not losing faith or hope, and persevering in our choices to stand with Jesus no matter how hard it gets. There can still be joy in desolation. 

By His grace, I have managed to choose life - His way, His truth and His life - in these intervening years and I have been rewarded with the flowering of my vocation in unimaginable ways. I would urge those who are lost or down to keep walking in faith, dying to self, surrendering one’s life to Jesus, and simply give the Almighty the time and space to perform His miracles. He has never yet disappointed me; in fact, He never fails to astound me. 

My SD put it best, discipleship is about being in close relationship with Jesus. An outflow or fruit of that relationship will be service or mission and this horizontal aspect is not so much what we do in any given day, but how we have managed to touch the hearts of those we meet. Heart to heart - from Jesus’ heart to mine, and from mine to the other. 

I continue to hold each PCC participant in prayer - may they continue to walk in faith and never grow weary. May they allow healing to flow into their lives and become light bearers and way makers wherever they walk. 

On the journey

Face to face

Hand in hand

Heart on heart

Dying to self

Rising in Him

Embracing new life

Healed to heal

Consoled to console

Transformed to transform 

Tears to joy

Darkness to light

Connected in love 

Centred on Him

Image and likeness

Road remains rocky

Persecution is real

What is left

Suffering and death

He is here

Always with us

Surrender to Him

Again and again

Face to face

Hand in hand

Heart on heart

Silence inspired

I visited the adoration room today, the one where I saw the promise of marriage with P the second time. I haven't been here for a number of years thanks to COVID and its lengthy closure, so I was flooded with memories of how P used to drop me here in our courtship and early marriage days after morning mass and breakfast together to spend time Jesus. I still see an embracing couple and Jesus right in the centre, behind the couple, to my delight.

I have let go of contemplative prayer in recent years, so it was refreshing to sit in silence and just be. My morning had begun with making pancakes for the grandkids before dropping them off to school, then teaching a client before a break presented itself. There are a couple more classes with a grandkid pick-up in between and finally an evening in RCIA. Pretty much a full-on day.

As I sat, I felt the need to write and share that when we make time for Jesus, good things happen. I felt elated and inspired to write. Hope my writing inspires you, too.

The gift
Have I used my gifts today?
My talents, my God-given charisms
Have I glorified Him at all?
This is the only question
I must answer in order
That when I meet my Maker
He will say to me
Good and faithful servant,
Well done. Come, share in my joy.

Pancake dreams
So I say to Him as I whisked:
Please let my pancakes be good
That my grandchildren will enjoy
The love folded within the batter
That in every bite they taste
My dreams that they come to
know you as I do, and
Experience the joy of Your love
And be filled with the sanctity
Of who they are, children of God
Good in every way. Most beloved.

Christ centred

Last week was a little stressful for P and I were discussing retirement. I am incredibly bad with anything to do with financial planning so I just don’t do it as far as I possibly can, until he nudges me. Last Monday, he nudged, and I immediately developed a bad tension headache, followed by a couple of sleepless nights. Since then, we have had several heart to heart conversations and I now understand him a little better, as he does me. I understand his need to be forward thinking financially, and I truly appreciate his decisions that will ensure both of us will be comfortable in retirement. 

As it turns out, I did do some sort of financial planning in my younger days so I am doing better than he or I initially thought. But I love him all the more for it, for all he has done to date, for the nudge, and for our eventual retirement. Having a spouse who loves me and takes such good care of me is huge. I feel blessed, as I did the day we got married.

Again, I am amazed at how the Father has provided for me through P. I have been relying on the providence of the God since 2003 and I am well aware He sent P into my life to enrich my life in so many ways. While financial security is nice, and I am not downplaying the importance of it, it is, for me, merely the icing on the marriage cake. The cake itself is a partner in life who loves and respects me as I do him, and who seeks my joy as much as I do his.

Our marriage was ordained by God and by saying yes all those years ago, both P and I are co-creators with the Almighty Himself in our lives as individuals, and as a couple. Yes we have different jobs and responsibilities through the day, but in the evening we come together as a couple to worship the One who loved us first. We honour Him in prayer and we are nourished by His Word as we make space for Him in our marriage. 

I am reminded of what I saw in the adoration room just before I met P for our fateful first date. As I sat with Jesus, I saw, cast on the wall, a shadow of the monstrance and it looked like a couple locked in an embrace, and right in the middle of that embrace was Jesus. I remember thinking then, hmmm, what does this mean, a relationship with this person with whom I am going on a blind date? Surely not, I am just being silly... 

This image has been a mainstay through my marriage, for a number of weeks later, I saw the same thing in a separate adoration room. It was a pointed reminder that even in marriage, Christ must be in the centre of our lives, just as He was for me when I was single. It must always be Jesus first, followed by those He has put in my life. Centred as such as I am on Him, I have no doubt He will take care of me, and P, the rest of our days. I trust in His loving providence. Jesus, I trust in you.

Excellent questions

And so I have finally hit the big six-o and what have I done to account proudly for my time on earth thus far? How will I proceed in the finite time I have left? Am I living the life I was meant to?

P said something at lunch on Sunday about excellence and the question he threw up is perfect to keep asking oneself, time and again, regardless of whatever one does in life, and whether at work or rest. 

He was actually talking about the workplace and the question one should strive to answer every day is how do I differentiate myself from others, how do I stand out from the crowd? He personally sets himself a high bar for he likes to ask himself what can I do better this year and how can I add value to the organization, and if I can’t, then it is time for me to leave.

This pursuit of excellence is one I have taken quite seriously in everything I do ever since I decided to follow Jesus wholeheartedly in these last 20 years. It’s all about first fruits, what do I set before the Lord as an offering, a sign of my sincere love and high regard for Him? Do I give my best to Jesus, unstintingly, unwaveringly?

Of course I don’t always give my best. I get tired. I get discouraged. I get lazy and complacent. And there are days when I just want to check out of life and play hooky. But, if love is my ethos - love one another as I have loved you - then I need to always come back to this question of personal excellence that is closely linked to P’s question: am I loving others as Jesus did? 

Jesus was perfect. He was divine. He did not sin. If I do my best to love as He did, I will not go far wrong, and I will, quite naturally, differentiate myself from others and stand out from the crowd. I will add value to individuals and society at large which encompasses my family, my workplace, my community and my ministries. I will be the best me to whoever I meet, wherever I am, whatever I do. 

It is not about calling attention to oneself. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It’s about engaging in all the oftentimes challenging, tedious, mundane tasks, and doing them so well, that others do not see your personal effort or sacrifice, even as they enjoy the benefits. It is about putting shoulder to the wheel, day after day, not expecting any reward or affirmation, save the personal satisfaction of knowing one did one’s best. 

Like Moses, my true life, my life in Christ, began after 40. And my true vocation began after 50. Hence I am excited to see what else the Lord has in store for me even as I feel the degenerative effects of age in this milestone year quite markedly. 

I will not stop asking the questions that demand excellence from myself in every area of my life, and, of course, I will continue to lift up all my efforts to He who gave His best out of love of the Father. AMDG

Finally ready to let go

Today E would have been 61. While I still miss her - and wish she were here with us, I am at peace, finally, that she is not. The years of battling cancer were painful for her, she, who was so hyper-sensitive to pain. And in that last month of life, she had already checked out - she was no longer the interested, quietly vibrant personality who channelled God's wisdom to others so effortlessly. She was a barely discernible facsimile of her true self, vastly diminished by the process of dying.

So how has it been, living these coming to four years without her? I would like to think that I have grown in wisdom, that I have enlarged the space of my tent heaps. Hopefully she would applaud how I live my life, and that she is, even now, rejoicing with me, how I am actually seeing the fruit of my labour in my mission field: my family is thriving - husband, mother, children, grandchildren and siblings. My daily prayer that my marriage be a strong witness of nuptial loving and giving is answered: P and I are good together, and we are equally good for others, much more than if we were single or separate. Marriage suits us real fine. 

In E's death, she bequeathed me the gift of faithfulness. She was faithful to the One who loved her so unconditionally and tenderly, always giving, big of heart, never shortchanging Jesus at all if she could help it. Her integrity and unwavering passion won over so many hearts to Him, and I believe that she continues this work on earth through those hearts who are now striving to do likewise. 

When she left, I felt more keenly the challenge of trying to be like her, a fervent missionary disciple who sowed abundant seeds of faith wherever she went. As A texted me today, we, who loved her so much, now ask ourselves WWED* all the time. She is our role model and inspiration for godly living in her profound, intimate relationship with Jesus, and her BBF status with the Holy Spirit. 

No one could see so precisely into the heart of another, to tease out the goodness that was within so masterfully by the way she fully accepted the other unconditionally, for she saw through the eyes of Jesus, and she spoke with the heart of Jesus. She made you feel worthy of being loved, precious even. She brought you home into the arms of Jesus. And she challenged you to be more, always - magis.   

So my dearest coz, for very selfish reasons I miss you sorely, but I am truly elated that you are home with Jesus, probably suggesting to Him what He could do in your inimitable quirky manner. Heaven help Him! 

*What would E do?    

Celebrating 90

Abraham laughed* when he heard the news

Pregnant at 90 years old? Sarah laughed**, too.

Like them both, I am filled with mirth,  

At 90 months of marriage that have packed in

Several decades of experiences, intense, yet fulfilling.

My soul sings even as my body groans,

I am tired but remain light in spirit.

Life without you is unimaginable_

Joined as we are, annealed by His grace,

Matching passions, and shared loves,

Two hearts intent on just one thing:

His will in all things, marriage included.

So I give thanks for all the little graces

Victories, big and small, and I look forward

To more nuptial adventures, yet unwritten.

Come, dearest heart, grow old with me, the best is yet to be.

  

*Genesis 17:17

**Genesis 18:12 

Dying gifts

My mother-in-law passed away on the 21^st of May, followed shortly by my brother’s mother-in law on the 25^th, and just this Sunday, an elderly lady whom I met in Turkey. While each one will be sorely missed, all three lived long and venerable lives. What all three also held in common is the fact that their last days were marked by greatly diminished abilities, and suffering in that they were incapacitated for a prolonged period, although made as comfortable as possible through medical science.

The horror of dying and the inexorable process of shutting down triggers an immediate gut response and question: why do we not have the power to choose the time and manner of our own deaths? Grounded in the tenets of my faith, I know that the Creator and Author of life is the only one who gives and takes life, and as His creatures, made in His image and likeness, we respect that right, acknowledging the sanctity of life, and recognizing that death is but a transition to a new life of eternal bliss, in union with Him.

And yet, I am tempted to rebel when I see the weeks, months, and even years of prolonged suffering, living with limited mental or physical capabilities, where many become pale shadows of who they were, and turn into querulous, depressed or intransigent beings.

However, if I look deeper beneath the surface of the semantics of dying, I can see that God never abandons us, Jesus is always walking with us, and there are many opportunities for grace, abundant blessings, all teaching me how to be a better person, more human, that is, to be patient, steadfast, forbearing, gentle, compassionate, generous, merciful… the list goes on.

Even though the dying person may not be conscious, he or she can bless those around them in innumerable ways. The ones who are present for the journey gain much, even if they themselves suffer much from witnessing the process of dying firsthand.

Looking back on my own journeying with people, I can see I have been given valuable gifts. My dying father gave me the gift of faith, my dying aunt gave me the gift of hope, my dying cousin gave me the gift of faithfulness, and my mother-in-law has given me the gift of piety, the wonderful gift of how to be dutiful and virtuous, and the ability to demonstrate a fidelity to natural obligations.

While I did not really know my mother-in-law who had advanced dementia by the time P and I met, she was someone whom P loved and honoured, and I have gotten to know her through my husband and his siblings. I can see that she was someone who valued manners, honesty, diligence, discipline and generosity. She had integrity and wisdom, and she had a heart for those who were in need, often reaching out a helping hand. She was strong on duty, and good old-fashioned values. I know all this because P is someone who displays all these qualities which I am sure have been bequeathed to him by both his father and mother.   

Sitting with P, by her bedside, praying for God’s will in all things, I was able to witness how God’s divine mercy shaped the events leading to death, how she held on until all her children could be present for the wake and funeral mass, and how she was made comfortable to the very end. It was heartwarming to see how her grandchildren gathered around her, and how her death has brought the extended family closer together, which I am sure she is very pleased about.

Dying is a horrific process, and it always will be, but I can also see how it can be life-giving and transformative for those who are left behind. Plus, in time, we will all be reunited. Thank you, Mummy, for the gift of P in my life, and for teaching him so well that he is such a good man, a true reflection of who you were, a good woman. Till we meet in heaven. 

Channels of love

This Easter has been quite special, for, again, Easter falls on my mother’s birthday. The last time that happened (in my memory) was when we celebrated her 80^th birthday in Taiwan. It was lovely to be able to see my youngest brother who flew home to celebrate her special day with us this year.

During the Easter Octave, P and I celebrated our first meeting eight years ago, a day forever etched in my memory, a true turning point in my life. The day after we met is also one that is hard to forget for it was the day my cousin J left us. Thus, Easter has always been filled with bittersweet joy for me. Yet, this year, I was ready to see a different reality – to let go of my sadness, for I had a deep sense that J is now with Jesus. This is a moment to be celebrated; made possible only because Jesus decided to die for us so that we can live with Him in eternal bliss.

I am grateful for His love so filled with goodness, kindness, tenderness and gentleness, and I can only hope that I can pay Him homage by reaching out to others in like manner, through different channels of love, channels that guided by the Holy Spirit can touch hearts with such profundity and His own inimitable tenderness. Easter blessings, one and all.    

Straight lines

I

As I am your straight line

You, equally, are mine.

The one God decided it was time

To give: two lives in singular rhyme.     

Writing straight our crooked lines,

Turning vinegar into vintage wines.

Luscious and delicious

Voluptuous and precious

How delightful have these eight years been,

Full of laughter and joy previously unseen.

I could not have chosen better myself.

A friend and lover who denies his self,

Gives so unstintingly, with such grace.

Thinking on you brings a smile to my face,

I am filled with tenderness when I look at you,

How blessed I am that I have finally found you.

 

II

Eight years since you’ve been gone.

You have been missed and mourned.

And yet this year I begin to see,

How you have truly been set free.

To be at His side, in fullness, rejoicing,

Yet still with us, an eternal blessing. 

Redeeming myself

For me this Lenten journey has been about remembering where I come from, all the graces I have received thus far, and to show true gratitude by being faithful in small things, disciplined in prayer, and to always enlarge the tent of my heart, extending kindness, comfort, practical advice, generosity and empathy where needed on a daily basis. It is the only way I can make myself worthy of His love, and to redeem myself of past and present sins.

How slow I was to turn back to Him,

Choosing stubbornly to walk in circles

For long years lost, miserable and afraid,

Unable to dream big or dare for greatness.

So grateful now that He never gave up,

Whispering unending words of guidance,  

Words that grew me when I caught their essence,

Endowing my faith story with treasure.

This is redemption, this return to Christ

Giving up my pride on His altar of love

Crumbling the insular curves of my heart  

Obedient to the Spirit’s bidding.

If I seem gentle, it’s all His doing

He saw me - He loved me at my ugliest!

Nothing is impossible with His might.

Don’t give up even though it’s darkest night.

Attentive attitude

My grandson has taken it upon himself to ensure that Gran knows whatever he knows. Any new thing he learns, he is always eager to transfer his knowledge to me. And he is a very good teacher, giving instructions methodically, and correcting me when I am wrong. It started out with him teaching me how to spar when we played with his Pokemon figurines – he would prompt me when I forgot what characteristics and powers my Pokemon had. Nowadays he teaches me to play new board games, and any new activity he is engaged in.

To encourage him to grow in confidence, I have made myself out to be someone who has limitations and shortcomings due to age. He responds with empathy by teaching me whatever he can to increase my quality of life, and he shows compassion when I fail, by comforting me and encouraging me. I feel privileged to be the recipient of his attentions inasmuch as I have placed myself in this position of need, in order to teach him life skills and virtues.

Every interaction with my grandchildren is an opportunity to teach them, and I begin first by being fully present with them, listening to them, gauging where they are on a daily basis, then responding with what I feel is appropriate. There is no lesson plan. I go with the flow and everything is fair game – vocabulary, ethics, reasoning, social awareness, ecological stewardship, etc.

This brings me back to my relationship with my Father, am I as attentive with Him as I am with J and C? The ability to attune myself to the Father’s heart is something I work on constantly all the time so it’s easy to get complacent, fall away from good practices, or become casual in my ways. This Lent, I find myself reminded constantly to retune my ways, to make my ways His ways. Whether it is the readings at daily mass, or when I read the Bible, I always used to wonder how someone so loved by God and so in love with God can fall away - just like that! But when I read the stories of great kings like David and Solomon, these are the stories of my life. I have been given wisdom, I have been blessed to be able to experience the Lord in very real ways, so many graces and consolations, and yet, do I sin? Of course, all the time. I fall short.

The key is obedience, and I must say I find myself guilty of disobedience quite frequently throughout the day. I cuss at inconsiderate drivers and I am not the most patient and courteous of drivers. I don’t hold the lift for other people when I am rushing. I am not very patient with my helper. I show my irritation with P quite easily. How can I even begin to teach my grandchildren courtesy when I do not respect another’s dignity in all these little ways?  

If I am to be more clued in to those around me, to be more connected, I must ensure my behaviour always elicits positive responses from others. I must attempt to make each encounter with people life-affirming. Thus, I have to listen actively, attune to others not just with my mind but with my heart and spirit. Just as J understands failure can be disheartening and he is quick to offer commiseration and constructive instruction that makes learning pleasurable, I need to be more like him with others. Put on a listening, humble and caring heart. Only then can I truly become more and more like Him. 

Creating grace periods

We are now in the season of Lent. Prayer, fasting, almsgiving - so much is written about these spiritual acts, and we can read any number of good articles to understand why we pray, fast and give. I have been ruminating on how I can make my Lenten season count. Regardless of the liturgical season, I already put effort into all three associated Lenten activities, so what more can I do that would make these next few weeks, personally, more meaningful, and transformative, that will bring me closer to Jesus?

Meeting with my SD recently inspired me. The most important takeaway I got from him was to listen. Be still and know that He is God, the Almighty who does marvellous things for me, and holy is His name. The best way to be still is in prayer. “Prayer is the gift of time we give to the One we love.” I thought that such a profound statement. We were talking earlier about how God is out of time and how there are no such things as coincidences or luck – it is the goodness of God in our lives, it is He who blesses us in all things. We simply need the eyes of gratitude to see where our blessings fall each day, and that requires an awareness of God that comes from prayer.

My main frustration with myself this period is fatigue, which leads to impatience and a short temper. But SD invited me to take on a new perspective on time. Instead of rushing around and getting stressed out when I feel that I am falling behind my schedule, I need to slow time down, make it stretch, but, most especially, to make time for what is important, that is, the relationships I have in my life.

If my priority is relationships, and it is, then I need to ensure that every person I encounter, in any given day, is perceived and treated with proper dignity and respect. I need to be loving and life-giving. Mostly, I need to follow His lead with whom I should get in touch – often I think of certain individuals when I pray, but I don’t follow up on reaching out to them. I don’t make time to express how I feel about them properly. Many lost opportunities thus far.

Just as I decided not to sacrifice my quality time with my grandkids by trying to beat the clock when I drop them off at school so as to avoid paying the parking fee of $1.20, I can choose to slow time down. The $1.20 is worth the extra time of contact with them, a true grace period. Best of all, there are days when I actually do make the grace period despite not rushing my goodbyes, and I get to park for free, a bonus!

I have decided for this Lent that I will create grace periods with people, grace periods that involve wasting time with people, choosing to make quality time for others by being wholly present. When I act with an open heart and give undivided attention to a person or task at hand, I am better able to respond to the Spirit who leads me in acting with wisdom and compassion as I go about my day. And I should always choose to act in freedom, without the constraints of time colouring my emotions and causing me to rush, and therefore be less present.

It’s inevitable that tension will arise from my strong compulsion to do everything, but I need to deal with conflicts of time and know what is important before I act; to step back and take a moment to figure out where I need to be before I rush headlong into the day. I am happy that I was able to hear and act out the promptings of the Spirit this weekend past, and it was a fruitful weekend of reconnecting with who I am and where I am called to serve, despite the busyness. Best of all, I managed to serve all my “grace recipients” with the proper posture of respect and compassion, and that has meant time well spent, productive and grace-filled. 

Loving lightly

P is away on a work trip for a week and I have to say I miss him. Even though my days are busy, I actually feel as if there is something off kilter in my life. I tell myself I am being silly for it’s very temporary, but throughout the day I wonder how he’s doing, and whether he’s okay. There is a fear inside I try my best not to acknowledge, that he may not come back to me. So I pray a little more fervently that he is protected from all evil.

All this got me thinking wow, is this what love can do to you? There is this tendency to cling on, and never let go, afraid love will disappear if I but blink. The scarcity principle of fear of loss, rather than want of gain kicked in hard, giving rise to crazy thoughts.

Here is where I hold onto the wise words from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet:

Let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of heaven dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it be rather a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

And, of course, 1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love.

I am brought back to the One who first loved me, and with Him, love is boundless, abundant, generous and everlasting, and all things good. Love should not give rise to fear.

Have I not experienced (and am still experiencing) His brand of love first-hand? Yes, of course.

Am I not to love in the same way as I have been loved? Yes, I am.

I am also brought back to the truth that we are all pilgrims on the journey in this life and we can look forward to eternal life, especially with those whom we have loved in this life. There is no need to cling too hard onto love. I must hold lightly with contented gratitude. Give praise to the One who blessed me with P, and, finally to trust Him in all things.

So while I will continue to miss P until he comes home, I am reminded to be more loving when he is around, and not to take him for granted. Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much, and giving me so much. I am grateful for all that I have received. Help me to focus on my gains, without allowing fear of loss to detract from my pleasure and gratitude in the here and now.

Happy birthday J

 Thought of you yesterday

Since it was your birthday

Not to say I don't think of you every day

I do especially when I pray

But I missed you more cos I couldn't say

How much I love you always and a day 

And to rejoice with you as was our way 

Big hugs sending my heart your way 

Discipline for abundance

It has been a flurry of activity since the year began. I am most grateful for the meet ups with friends and family that I no longer see as often as I would like, so I would say the year kicked off extremely well. P and I have begun another year of reading the Bible in a year. I have also begun a discipline of regular fasting, walking and attending weekday mass, to take care of my own spiritual, mental and physical health. I recognize that ageing well is key to maintaining my ability to serving the Lord wholeheartedly without burnout, thus it requires a sustained commitment to self-care.  

The biggest push has been the attempt to get my “house” in order, literally, just because I am not inclined to organization. I am a tad overwhelmed at how much stuff I have accumulated over the years, but I am determined to strip back and simplify my life, and put some needed order into it. Ordering my life has included assessing my financial health and planning for retirement, fun, adult stuff I normally eschew.

The thirst for orderliness comes from a place of dissatisfaction within myself, with myself. Chaos cannot breed peace. I have spent valuable time and expended finite energy hunting for things, fretting about misplaced things and how it all makes me feel highly incompetent.  How can I be a good example to anyone, an authentic witness, when I have no discipline in all areas of my life? Or to put it another way, if I keep growing in virtue, cultivating as many as I can along the way, then perhaps I can be a more credible and empathetic witness of Christ’s love.

As I am entering the mid to late-autumn of my life, the increasing scarcity of years left make it imperative to spend every moment given to me with greater wisdom, to make every second count and live it well. I remember E commenting on how this is the age of generativity, of giving back and of making a palpable difference in this world, not so much as a legacy born of pride, but one that finds its impetus in God. Jesus living out just three years of ministry but touching countless lives over many generations. What incredible abundance!

Let me not wait until serious illness strikes me before I attempt to cram more meaning into life, or to only then take steps to regain good health frittered away by poor dietary and lifestyle choices. My latest blood test results have demanded that I make some changes today. Wisdom decrees it is the only way forward for me; only discipline can give rise to abundance from now on.     

What I would like to hold onto this year is the ideas of impossible joy and transformative light.

Impossible joy

SD shared with me on my last visit with him that Christmas is the season of the impossible made possible. First, we have the conception and birth of John the Baptist to a mother well past her child-bearing years. Then we have the virgin conception and birth of Jesus to Mary. We also have the full acceptance of Joseph who takes on the role of husband to Mary, and foster fatherhood to Jesus, when he was well within his right to walk away from what looked like a less than desirable life choice.

 

Each event or decision is marked by the presence of the Holy Spirit and humanity’s willingness to cooperate fully with Him. If I am able to say yes to situations and circumstances so unreservedly, despite knowing that great challenges may lie ahead, then, together with the Lord, I can help make the impossible possible. Jesus can be birthed into this world which seems marked today by increasing, pervasive darkness.

 

This birthing of light and joy is the panacea the world needs, and I must be an active participant (together with Christ) in conjuring this spirit of Christmas, not just in December, but in all the months of the year. I need to remind myself daily that all things are possible with Him, impossibly possible. And no matter what life throws at me, joy and gratitude must be a conscious decision of mine.

 

Transformative light

For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.

 

This verse, nine, from Psalm 36, struck a chord with me when I heard it proclaimed at mass on the several days that I had attended weekday mass in January. It underpins what I heard at our first community meeting in 2024 about being Christ-centred. The only way I can experience Jesus in a very real and current way is to encounter Him constantly, not just in the Eucharist or in prayer, but also in the Word of God, the Bible, who is Jesus Christ Himself, and not merely a collection of divine inspired writings.  

 

To cultivate a biblical sensibility, where I unconsciously see the world and act in the world (in His light I see light) in a Christ-centred way, it necessitates gnawing (a word appropriated from Bishop Robert Barron’s series The Sacraments) on the Word of God. I must steep my being in devoted reading and study of the Bible, in order to put on the eyes, mind and heart of Christ, to be His light bearer, and, consequently, to be able to render the ridiculous twists of the Christmas story into a form that elicits joy and wonder. It is a transformation of self that, again, requires discipline, but yet promises an abundance of light, springing forth endlessly from the “fountain of life”.

I sometimes feel like the world’s biggest grouch so it is a worthy challenge to try and live this year with the impossible joy and transformative light of Jesus, to graft myself onto His being so that I can truly decrease and He increase in me. Discipline for abundance, this will be my clarion call this year. 

Divine motherhood

It is only fitting to begin a new year celebrating a feast that honours Mary of Nazareth, the Mother of God for her divine motherhood. From humble beginnings can God's glory be revealed, and that is what Mary's simple yes is all about.

Sandwiched in between conception and all the years of motherhood must have been moments of fear, anxiety, doubt, despair, mixed in with the joy, pride, hope and resolve that Mary experienced as Jesus grew into adulthood, right up to the agony of witnessing His excruciating death on the Cross.

Father Karol reminded me this morning that a good mother is one who imparts to her child his or her true identity as child of God. And as true children of God, we, too, like Mary, must build His kingdom, by empowering brothers and sisters we encounter in our daily lives. 

Through the incarnation
Divine transcendence became
An intimate immanence
Spirited in our hearts
Sealed by God's kiss
For Mary said yes
to becoming a Mother
Of God, His Son
Who lived among us
Nurtured by her holiness
Her discipleship of Him
Days spent in obscurity
Mundane, growing in mystery
Toward a reality stark
Persecution to eventual death
Motherhood pierced by agony
Salvation impossible to fathom
Supreme faith is necessary
To keep on walking
Like Our Mother
Witness by pondering
Act with grace.