Last night at the First Scrutiny we reflected on the woman at the well in the Gospel of John, chapter four and what surfaced for me was one of my greatest fears: that I would walk away from God and lose sight of Jesus, that His Spirit would not be dwelling in me. Do I praise and worship the Lord with appropriate zeal? Despite all my prayer time I still seem so deeply flawed as an individual, making silly mistakes. How can I say I love God when I am so lacking in wisdom?
The place of fear is where mistakes are born. We often choose unwisely when we are driven by fear. We say and do the wrong things. That is why it is so important to name our fears for knowing our enemies can help us defeat them. This realization gave me clarity of thought and reflecting further I realized that there was a deeper fear underlying all this: the fear of being unloved.
What if Jesus stopped loving me because I was unfaithful, or because He finally realized I was not good enough? I spent a great part of my life looking for love, to be loved for who I am. I often asked God in sorrow in my younger days why am I so unlovable? It was only when I turned to Jesus that I realized the love I was looking for all along was there right in front of me. He was The One, my Prince Loving. In His arms I have found the amazingly lovely and lovable woman His Father created me to be, and with Him by my side, I can be strong, courageous, bold, fearless...
My identity as daughter of God, a princess in His Kingdom, Bride of Christ allows me to be a tireless worker in His vineyard, to go forth and spread the good news: People, you are precious in God’s eyes, every one of you, you are priceless and wonderfully made. You are loved beyond your wildest imaginations and hopes. In His eyes you are the most beautiful person ever just because He loves you as a Father loves a beloved daughter or son. Why stand outside His house looking in with such yearning and thirst in your soul? Enter today and drink of the living water, you will never be thirsty again. No regrets. Satisfaction guaranteed.
As for myself, I acknowledge my fear and I know it is simply a fear. I should use it as a reminder to always give of my best, not to backslide, and to counter it by speaking truth to myself: I may not deserve it, but I am deeply loved. So I myself should enter the inner sanctum of His house and just sit at His feet, allowing His presence to wash over me. And take a sip of the living water occasionally.
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