While searching
for an important document, I stumbled across a package of love letters and
keepsakes from a past relationship. Two things surprised me. One was the powerful surge
of emotion that flooded me such that my heart literally ached for the past, the
me and him in happier times.
The other was that I had forgotten how meticulously I had documented the progress of the relationship, through journalling and our correspondence through the years. Being sentimental to the nth degree, I had saved everything.
The ginger flower he picked and tucked into my hair, the perfect pine cone we found on a forest walk together, the fun drawings we created one night at dinner, silly little things that meant a great deal to me then, linked as they were to memories of tender moments in time.
I cannot deny feeling a little bereft, and yet, I have no regrets walking away from something that was no longer working as both of us wanted different things in life. I wanted marriage and he, ultimately, did not. It was the wisest choice and yet the wisest choice is often never the easiest choice.
We are still friends with much affection for each other for in our walk to discover if marriage was for us, I had sought to do what God willed, so when it became clear that this was not the man chosen by God for me, it was a no-brainer to say goodbye. Extremely painful, but it was all very civilized.
Marriage is something I wonder about academically from time to time but as today’s reflection by Don Schwager pointed out, the marriage decision is not something we should take into our own hands. Rather we should “seek the kingdom of God rather than a mate”, we should “seek to spend ourselves in His service and in trust allow Him to bring our future spouse into our lives in His time."
This is something I believe in wholeheartedly hence I am grateful that I am not beset with fears of being single the rest of my life. Neither do I seek out the company of men in desperation, and try to be someone I am not in order to get me a man.
Of course there are times it would be real nice to be cuddled by a pair of masculine arms, but I do not want for love, or laughter, or joy, in my current state of life.
Plus there are much worse things than being single even if the world decries chaste singlehood as unnatural and tragic.
Better single than stuck in an abusive or co-dependent relationship. Better chaste than riddled with an incurable sexually transmitted disease. Better alone than lonely or bored in a relationship.
As for the past, it is time for me to let it go completely. I am no longer that needy, scared and confused woman who did not know exactly what she wanted in life. I have Jesus to thank for that and I am ever grateful.
The other was that I had forgotten how meticulously I had documented the progress of the relationship, through journalling and our correspondence through the years. Being sentimental to the nth degree, I had saved everything.
The ginger flower he picked and tucked into my hair, the perfect pine cone we found on a forest walk together, the fun drawings we created one night at dinner, silly little things that meant a great deal to me then, linked as they were to memories of tender moments in time.
I cannot deny feeling a little bereft, and yet, I have no regrets walking away from something that was no longer working as both of us wanted different things in life. I wanted marriage and he, ultimately, did not. It was the wisest choice and yet the wisest choice is often never the easiest choice.
We are still friends with much affection for each other for in our walk to discover if marriage was for us, I had sought to do what God willed, so when it became clear that this was not the man chosen by God for me, it was a no-brainer to say goodbye. Extremely painful, but it was all very civilized.
Marriage is something I wonder about academically from time to time but as today’s reflection by Don Schwager pointed out, the marriage decision is not something we should take into our own hands. Rather we should “seek the kingdom of God rather than a mate”, we should “seek to spend ourselves in His service and in trust allow Him to bring our future spouse into our lives in His time."
This is something I believe in wholeheartedly hence I am grateful that I am not beset with fears of being single the rest of my life. Neither do I seek out the company of men in desperation, and try to be someone I am not in order to get me a man.
Of course there are times it would be real nice to be cuddled by a pair of masculine arms, but I do not want for love, or laughter, or joy, in my current state of life.
Plus there are much worse things than being single even if the world decries chaste singlehood as unnatural and tragic.
Better single than stuck in an abusive or co-dependent relationship. Better chaste than riddled with an incurable sexually transmitted disease. Better alone than lonely or bored in a relationship.
As for the past, it is time for me to let it go completely. I am no longer that needy, scared and confused woman who did not know exactly what she wanted in life. I have Jesus to thank for that and I am ever grateful.
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