Loves of a lifetime

I usually catch up on my movies on flights and the one from Amsterdam back afforded enough time to watch quite a number of movies. Among the movies I caught were The Vow and We Bought a Zoo which are both based on true stories and both mention a once in a lifetime love. Both stories espouse marital love that is giving and fulfilling but eventually ends in loss in different ways. Despite the loss of these "great loves", both men find ways to deal with their grief in ways that re-define them, bringing them new life and new love when they let go of the past. I wept when I watched both movies for this is how love should be and I want a man who would love me as selflessly as the two protagonists loved their wives. We all search for this "great love". I thought I had it once but it was not to be. I still want this love of a lifetime for I am a romantic at heart. But, I also know the pitfalls of making wrong choices, for I've been there before. It is the wisdom of hard earned experience that prevents me from making the same mistakes yet again (and grace of course).  Neediness born out of loneliness is my worst enemy. However, I know I am fortunate that I am mostly able to sublimate my desires and needs by finding creative ways to love and be loved and we are not talking sex here for I believe sex should be a sacred experience with one's spouse that promises much more than the slaking of physical urges. My mainstay is God. He is my foremost and only soul provider. Even in the depths of aching burning need, if I turn to Him, He will provide comfort in ways that remind me of how much He loves me. And should I not feel comforted, I have the strength of the Eucharist, Scripture and Tradition to prop me up and see me through the tough times. People see keeping on the straight and narrow as boring and as desirable as a bilious affliction, I like it for it prevents me from falling too fast and hard into a self-inflicted hell. While some might say faith is just my crutch, my "opiate", I say better than being addicted to alcohol, work, sex or other vices. Plus, as an old friend observed recently, I am happy. Certainly he sees a big difference in the me now and of the past where I was always full of angst and dissatisfied with life. I see and feel a big difference in me, too but it's nice to have validation nonetheless.  Having an active faith has engendered in me a heart of gratitude which means I now see the glass of my days more than half full, if not overflowing, than half empty. There is much in life to laugh about, be grateful for and to give thanks repeatedly. I am always blown away when I do my examen consciousness at how I have been given much. Faith has also yielded me fruit of the Spirit in abundance. I have been given love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. As today is Pentecost, I pray for more fruit and gifts to blossom forth. The ancient Greeks knew a thing or two such as: Know Thyself. I am on a lifelong journey of self-discovery in order to play to my strengths and parlay my weaknesses into perfection by grace (see 2 Cor 12:9). As a serious disciple of Life, self-knowledge is key in order that I may chart my path and make my life one worth living every day. The ability to find purpose and meaning in life is what colours my world and lights it up. Thus, if I know who I am, the person I am created to be, then I can actualize my self and become fully human; my resolution this year and for years to come for I realize I will never be done but it's worth shooting for. Despite not having a great love, I have many loves, people I hold dear, like my mother, my brothers, relatives, good friends and my Woman to Woman community. They are an integral part of my life and I appreciate how each of them makes my life richer and fuller on a daily basis. So even if I never found the love of my lifetime, I would still consider myself extremely blessed. I already have my cake and am enjoying it, even without the cherry on top. Lastly I enjoy very much what I do for a living, using my talent for teaching, and this gives me great pleasure. I look forward to each day and it is gratifying when I am able to make a positive impact on peoples' lives. While my job is one of my passions, it is not the only one. I pursue other passions outside of work that are equally soul-satisfying. They also involve using my creativity in life-affirming ways which I like. A lot. And that makes me happy. So while I hanker after what I do not have at times, the truth is I have enough love to last me a lifetime and if I reflect a little more, I have what I want. It's just not found in one person but in many. As I believe in the Trinitarian God, perhaps I should expand my mind a little so that I can accept that my "great love" is real, living and mine right now.

Serendipitous surreal

I just returned home from a vacation in Amsterdam with my mother and a couple of good gal pals and I have a profound sense of gratitude for all that we received during the trip.

Sure, it wasn't "perfect" for I caught a cold, it drizzled occasionally, and I got us lost a couple of times but we all enjoyed ourselves, walking and eating our way around the city as we took in its charms.

We visited Floriade twice, the World Horticultural Expo that is held once every decade - this was the reason I chose to vacation in Amsterdam, and to fulfil a promise I made 10 years ago.

Our shared love of flowers was rewarded amply by the magnificence of the tulips and other spring flowers in Keukenhof and the wonderful floral displays and landscapes of Floriade in Venlo. That there was plenty to buy at great value in some of the country pavilions we visited made it even sweeter, and merrier (we are bargain-loving Singaporeans, after all).

The sights, sounds and smells of springtime invigorated us and I felt glad to be alive to bear witness to the beauty around me. When humans and God co-create, the world is indeed more joyously beautiful, be it gardens, art, buildings, canals or polders.

God's blessings were truly upon us the entire trip for at every turn, He guided us or sent angels our way to steer us back in the right direction when we got lost.

Then there was the sheer coincidence of a choral performance by the Pacific Spirit Choir in Begijnhof's chapel, the chance celebration of Israel's Independence Day in Floriade which we enjoyed tremendously, the Ceramics Festival in Gouda and an Ascension Day feast in the lovely restaurant De Kas.

Even when we got really lost, there were new and delightful things to discover - some of my best shots came from unintentionally meandering our way to Winkel 43 for the most scrumpelicious apple pie in Amsterdam (we finally got there via the shortest route on the third try).

Best of all, the bonds of love and friendship were tested and renewed, cemented by shared laughter and experiences.

Now that I am home, my eyes are still attuned to the beauty of nature and I have a refreshed appreciation of the tropical flora and fauna around me. This, for me, is perhaps the best thing about travel, the ability to look at things with new eyes and a heart filled with wonder.

And for all the moments of serendipity and grace in those 11 glorious days, I can only sing as Israeli band Habibi did in their closing number: Hallelujah!

Exiles on the way home

Yesterday evening E and I had a drink together, commiserating on how growing old can be pretty grim and a potentially lonely, painful journey. So it was natural to wonder what will happen to each of us when we single women grow old? Who will look after me? Will I die lonely and sad?

The way I deal with that eventual future is to not think too much about it and to leave it in God's hands for I truly believe He will provide. Plus, it is best to focus on what I should be doing today for I don't even do a very good job with the present. 

As Father Arro brought up in a recent Easter homily, we are an agitated people, like the disciples in the upper room, full of fears and anxiety and the best remedy is to meditate on the goodness of God. To rise up and meet Jesus; hear him say, "Do not be afraid," and to live in His smiles, the God-incidences of life. I am always amazed at how things that I worry about turn out fine even if it is not the way I would have imagined or wanted.

It is 50 years since Vatican II, an Ecumenical Council which brought about a change in how the Church saw her role in the modern world and attending a talk on it last week brought me fresh insights on how I should be living my life.

The heart of Vatican II lay in aggiornamento which is a movement to bring things up to date with a spirit of change and open-mindedness through ressourcement, a return to the source; to the traditions and symbols of the early Church. A study of history to effect change for the better.

I find this hearkening to the past a great way to move forward for learning more about my religious heritage arms me with a clarified faith that bodes well for the future, as does drawing lessons from my own past.

Reading Lumen Gentium, Light of the Nations, as recommended by Arthur Goh for Catholics who want to know what we profess faith in (out of the 16 Vatican II documents) has been inspiring.

Besides reminding us that God is mystery and that we are all called to union, a personal relationship with this invisible God through the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist, the document reminds us that we are pilgrims on the way, exiles whose true home lies beyond this realm.

Although we have to live with mystery, we have been gifted with the Holy Spirit and thus our faith grants us wisdom to answer the call to holiness (to be who we are), and to live in this temporary home with grace and dignity.

While it is instinctive to seek permanence in life and to fear change as detrimental, especially the changes wrought by growing older, if I view my current life as an opportunity to bring me closer to the Kingdom of Heaven, then I can aspire to do as Saint Therese of Lisieux did, "to spend my heaven doing good on earth", and I will not fear what lies ahead.

As for the pain, loss, suffering and loneliness that is to come, it too will pass, and home awaits.

God alone suffices

I finally caved in recently and bought an iPad2 for I saw how a number of my fellow instructors were using it as a teaching aid and for workout programming and I thought that it was a great idea.

Needless to say I have been using it for all kinds of other stuff besides work and it is addictive. eBooks, games... I really get why gamblers cannot leave the table, looking for the next big win.

In order to curb my compulsive habit with regards to a particular game, I had to delete an app for I have the willpower of a starving person standing in front of a sumptuous buffet spread. Not good.

Just because we can do something does not mean we should do it. There is a huge difference between can and should. Technology is a big culprit when it comes to making wise choices about how we use it for we seem to apply an "anything goes" attitude and a hedonistic morality.

The virtual nature of the web has dehumanized our decisions. We reveal intimate details about our lives with no thought for the appropriateness of our actions and its possible repercussions.

Loneliness or restlessness nudges us to communicate with others in chat rooms, but in such a manner that is often not healthy for relationships are often one-dimensional and predicated on feeding selfish, personal needs only.

Then there is the addictive quality of gaming leading to bizarre but real life stories of parents who let an infant starve to death for they were busy looking after a virtual baby.

There is no more space for silence to live or for stillness to breathe and blossom into a full blown "conversation" with our Maker that enables us to consistently see truth and meaning in our lives.

Instead we pursue things that do not satisfy and convince ourselves that more of the same thing is the road to our personal happiness.

Thus, I read with interest Pope Benedict's recent birthday homily and found it personally enriching. He spoke of three things that have coloured his life.

The first is Bernadette Soubirous, a poor, uneducated French girl who because she was "pure and genuine in heart", was able see Mother Mary who led her to discover a source of "living water", "water that gives purity and health", that is now the site of many miraculous healings in Lourdes.

The Pope goes on to elaborate:

I think we can consider this water as an image of the truth that comes to us in faith: truth not simulated but uncontaminated. In fact, to be able to live, to be able to become pure, we are in need of having in us the nostalgia of the pure life, of the truth that is not distorted, of what is not contaminated by corruption, of being men without stain. See how this day, this little Saint has always been for me a sign that has indicated where the living water comes from of which we are in need – the water that purifies us and gives us life -- and a sign of how we should be: with all the knowledge and all the capacities, which also are necessary, we must not lose the simple heart, the simple look of the heart, capable of seeing the essential, and we must always pray to the Lord that we preserve in us the humility that enables the heart to be clear-sighted – to see what is simple and essential, the beauty and goodness of God – and thus find the source from which the water comes that gives life and purifies.

The second person who has inspired him is Benedict Joseph Labre, "the pious mendicant pilgrim of the 18th century" who traversed Europe in search of all its shrines in fulfilment of his personal calling.

Pope Ben had this to say of his namesake:

We can also say: a somewhat particular Saint who, begging, wandered from one shrine to another and wished to do nothing other than pray and with this give witness to what matters in this life: God. He certainly does not represent an example to emulate, but he is a, a finger pointing to the essential. He shows us that God alone suffices, that beyond all that in this world, beyond our needs and capacities, what counts, the essential is to know God. He alone suffices. And this “God alone” he indicates to us in a dramatic way.

...makes evident that he who opens himself to God is no stranger to the world or to men, rather he finds brothers, because on God’s side, borders fall, God alone can eliminate borders because thanks to Him we are all only brothers, we are part of one another; it renders present that the oneness of God means, at the same time, the brotherhood and reconciliation of men, the demolishing of borders that unites and heals us

The third thing is not a person but the "Paschal Mystery". For he was born to parents who lived in uncertain times yet were open to God's will in their lives and imparted their singular faith to their son since his baptism on Holy Saturday.

On the same day I was born, thanks to the care of my parents, I was also reborn by water and the Spirit, as we just heard in the Gospel. In the first place, there is the gift of life that my parents gave me in very difficult times, and for which I owe them my gratitude. However, it is not taken for granted that man’s life is in itself a gift. Can it really be a beautiful gift? Do we know what is incumbent on man in the dark times he is facing – also in those more luminous ones that might come? Can we foresee to what anxieties, to what terrible events he might be exposed? Is it right to give life thus, simply? Is it responsible or is it too uncertain? It is a problematic gift if it remains independent. Biological life of itself is a gift, and yet it is surrounded by a great question. It becomes a real gift only if, together with it, one can make a promise that is stronger than any misfortune that can threaten one, if it is immersed in a force that guarantees that it is good to be man, that for this person it is a good no matter what the future might bring. Thus, associated to birth is rebirth, the certainty that, in truth, it is good for us to be, because the promise is stronger than the threats.

This is the meaning of rebirth from water and the Spirit: to be immersed in the promise that God alone can make: it is good that you are, and it is true regardless of what happens. From this certainty, I have been able to live, reborn by water and the Spirit. Nicodemus asks the Lord: “Can an old man be born again?” Now, rebirth is given to us in Baptism, but we must grow continually in it, we must always let ourselves me immersed in God’s promise, to be truly reborn in the great, new family of God which is stronger than all the weaknesses and all the negative powers that threaten us. This is why this is a day of great thanksgiving.

In this homily are all the ingredients to the richness of contentment in life, through all the travails of life: a faith that seeks God only, one that is pure, humble and simple, and therefore life-giving, like water. For God alone suffices because He is the light that "is stronger than any darkness" whose "goodness is stronger than any evil of this world".

I give thanks for his wise words and am reminded that new toys can bring pleasure, but the essential things in life can be found only when one is stripped of all distraction, pretence and worldly adornment. I would do well to keep my focus on God alone.

To read the entire homily, go to: http://www.zenit.org/article-34615?l=english

Light spaces

Ever since he came into her life, she is a woman transformed. She glows with womanly confidence, comfortable at last in her own skin for she is a woman loved with such tender intensity and kindness that she wakes up each day with eager purpose.

The chains of her less than enviable past no longer hobble her. She can live freely in the present, knowing exactly what her future holds, days spent in the company of a man who encourages her to dream big and walk tall.

She would follow him to the ends of the earth. Or to his death, as it turned out. His last days were marked with gross injustice, extreme humiliation and excruciating torture, when all she could do was stand by and watch in helpless desolation.

When he drew his last breath, nailed to the cross, all the lights went out and darkness ruled her world.

Unable to sleep, she crept out in the still inky dawn to visit the tomb where they had laid his body. As she approached the tomb, she saw that the huge stone covering the entrance had been rolled away. She hurried through the mouth of the tomb in alarm and cried out in anguish when she found it empty.

So wrapped up in her own grief she could not recognize his face, she could scarcely believe her ears when she heard HIS voice call out, "Mary".

"Rabbouni!" In delicious confusion and a growing lightness of heart, she hugged him tightly, refusing to let go for fear he would disappear from her life again.

Gently he removed her arms from around his waist, kissed her on her forehead and whispered, "Do not cling on," for he would always be with her, in ways she was yet to discover but would find radically life-changing and liberating.

I find this early morning visit by Mary Magdalene to the tomb, and her subsequent encounter with the resurrected Lord, captures the meaning of Lent and Easter for me.

While her journey from the healing of enlightenment into the darkness of death and loss marks the Lenten period; the words Christ utters upon their meeting is the invitation of Easter to go deeper into the light of the Resurrection.

Life is temporal and ever-fluid and as pilgrims on the highways and byroads of life, we would do well not to get too attached to things material or metaphysical.

Every day our beliefs are challenged. Old ideas must constantly give way to the new. I am not the same person I was yesterday, so why cling on to previous suffocating ways or former crippling attitudes?

In the daily struggle to sift out light from darkness, bad from good, equilibrium is a concept best reserved for academia: it does not apply to real life.

Just when I think I have got a handle on life, it escapes from my grasp like quicksilver. Just when I feel everything is smooth sailing, something will happen to curdle the cream of my contentment. That's the nature of life on earth - it is a bumpy ride with peaks and troughs.

But if I cultivate a faith that is constantly seeking to be reborn, malleable in its humility, the beams of truth will eventually illumine my senses, imperceptible at first, but undeniable as time goes by.

The glimmers of understanding that suffused MM's whole being with joy - as Pope Benedict preached in his Holy Saturday homily - is light that makes life possible and enables the possibility of many other things: the possibility of encounter and communication, in order that knowledge, reality and truth take form, giving birth to freedom and progress.

Light that is fundamental to creation. Pope Benedict says it best in his commentary on the story of creation in Genesis:

Evil hides. Light, then, is also an expression of the good that both is and creates brightness. It is daylight, which makes it possible for us to act. To say that God created light means that God created the world as a space for knowledge and truth, as a space for encounter and freedom, as a space for good and for love. Matter is fundamentally good, being itself is good. And evil does not come from God-made being, rather, it comes into existence through denial. It is a “no”.

Although my Lenten season has been one surrounded by darkness for everywhere I turn, I see death, loss, suffering and sorrow, the light of the Easter vigil candle reminded me that darkness does not reign, and death is not the end of the road but the inception of new life.

Like MM, I need to say no to clinging on and yes to space for light, so that His truth can breathe and live in me.

Following the leader

I realize that my last three entries are about prayer and at the risk of sounding boring, this one will follow suit.

Margaret Silf maintains that the more we pray, the more we realize how little we know - about prayer and how to pray.

She is right for I find praying, prayer, a real mystery and I write so much about it for I keep trying to make sense of it for myself.

I always feel that my efforts fall short for my mind wanders far too much for me to be able to say I actually sat in stillness successfully.

When I pray, I seem to have the attention span of a gnat and flit from one thought to another in a nano second. Why can't I get it right? And then there is the question what is the right way to pray?

Should I go devotional and pray the rosary? Or do lectio and reflect on the daily readings, maybe coupling it with an examen on the day's happenings? What should I record in my journal? And who do I pray for today and have I remembered everyone? Divine Office? Eucharistic adoration? Mass? Meditation?

Plus, most of the time, I never feel as if I had spent enough time in prayer for so many other things require my attention or prove too distracting.

I persist mainly because even in my imperfect prayer attempts, He is gracious enough to speak to me and impart words of wisdom. I am transformed by even the one minute I turn my heart inward and acknowledge His presence in my life.

My morning prayers help me set my focus right for the day: a Christ-centred mindfulness that steers my actions throughout the day. And prayer later in the evening assists me in connecting the dots of a day filled with seemingly random events in order give thanks for all that has transpired.

While watching TV last week, someone made this comment that the purpose of life is to live with purpose. Prayer is what guides and energizes my efforts to live true to my gifts and my calling. It is easy to be worn down by the daily grind or give in to despair when obstacles present themselves, so prayer is the necessary antidote.

Even though I will never be able to thank God appropriately or sufficiently in thought, word or deed, I will not stop trying, even as I grow increasingly lost.

As long as I follow His lead, I will, somehow, find my way.

Liminal grace

Liminality. Isn't it a beautiful sounding word? So lyrical. It comes from the Latin word limen which means threshold and denotes being in the space between two different existential planes. Think Alice down the rabbit hole.

In Week 4 of Open the Door, we were invited to explore the liminal space of the threshold that we may be standing in.

Life is a constant flow of changes and unsurprisingly, many of us are in the midst of a threshold experience, some more radical than others.

Joyce Rupp describes the liminal space between the old and new as a frequently disorienting experience,  a twilight time, "neither day nor night", and yet, it is a necessary stop to sometimes gather resources.

Most of the time, transitions are not the most comfortable spaces to be in for we don't yet know where we are going, and yet, the decisions we make will dictate the future quite significantly.

I find myself on multiple thresholds at this point in time. Some I have begun to leave, while others I am not quite ready to step over.

The hardest thing I find about moving through the liminal space is being able to let go of what does not work anymore (which in the moment I still want to cling onto only because it is familiar) and to brave the murky future with open arms and bare hands.

Control is an illusion I suffer from, that being in control, idling along in the stultifying shallows of mediocrity is better than venturing into the deep for that requires more courage and humility than I have.

Joyce Rupp recommends a heart of trust, one that is able to accept the mystery. God's mystery. Likewise, this is what Jesus encouraged Martha to cultivate when her brother Lazarus had died.

Many of us, like Martha, may believe in Christ, but how much we acknowledge Him as the resurrection and the life, especially when something bad happens, is the acid test of faith.

Paying lip service, but questioning Him at every step of the way demonstrates a faith that is still fairly nascent (just when I thought I was getting somewhere), and an inability to die to self.

As K reminded us last Friday, the only way forward is inward. In stillness. It is in nurturing our relationship with Jesus that we are given the gifts of insight, courage and perseverance amplified many times over.

His grace is always sufficient. But first, we have to seek it and to continue to trust in its mystery.

Prayer pearls

Ever feel like your life is spinning out of control and you just can't seem to get a handle on things? I constantly feel that way. More so now when I am rabidly auditing courses and preparing for an exam.

I don't seem to be able to accomplish all the things I want to in a day and I wonder is it only due to my poor time management or is it life interrupting as it will and there is nothing I can really do about it. It is probably a combination of both, I suspect.

There are days I feel that everyone wants a part of me and I cannot, and am not, willing to give it all away. And I should not. (Even if I wanted to, my body shrieks its protest much too loudly for me to ignore its warning.)

Talking to N convinced me if you expend all your energy towards giving everything to your loved ones, saving nothing for yourself, you will crash and burn, which she did last week. Physically she was not 100 per cent and emotionally she was depleted. She felt empty and achingly lonely. She, of course, plummeted into depression.

Then I spoke with J who out of loneliness is doing something which I feel is sailing too close to the wind. Worrying on many levels.

J, N and I share many things in common. We are all busy single women who strive to be available to the people around us and we all juggle too many balls consequently. Saying no to people is tough for us for we all want to help everyone we see in need of help.

Balance is not something any of us achieves with any measure of success unfortunately. This leaves us frequently drained and oftentimes wanting to be loved as we love others - wholeheartedly, unreservedly.

We are always taking care of others. It would be nice if someone took care of us, for a change; for it is hard to muster the energy to be good to our own bodies, much less pamper ourselves (and if we do something for ourselves, it is usually too self-indulgent to be considered healthy).

It is a dangerous state of being for it often leads to decisions that are dodgy and absent of true wisdom. Here is where prayer, or spending time with the man who loves me in the way I want is vital.

Jesus time is my protection against temptation, my own failings, blind spots, deep frustration, bitterness, unforgiveness and despair.

In May Gibbs' world of gumnut babies, there is a character named Little Obelia who is renowned for her wisdom. Whenever she needs clarity or insight, she retires to her thinking room and counts her pearls in solitude.

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Like Little Obelia, prayer time is my time to count my pearls. To see where it was in the day that God's Spirit was present and to give thanks for those sacred moments.

And if there is something that caused me distress or of which I cannot make sense of, then, somehow, prayer alters my perception so that I can view it with more objectivity, kindness and patience. My outlook is transformed. As William Blake wrote, my cleansed doors of perception allow me to see infinity. Thus, I am not so sour, jaded or POed.

It is at times like this, when I am deadly tired and given to grouchiness and dark thoughts that counting my pearls is as necessary as breathing.

I become centred. I am given night vision. My heart is eased. All because I allow Him to show me how much He loves me.

He is my prayer pearl of great price. 

Desert leanings

The season of Lent can be likened to a desert experience for we are called to make prayer, fasting and alms-giving the focus of our lives during these 40 days before Easter.

It is a call to give up the indulgences of "soft living" and pay attention to the poor, sick and needy among us. To reflect on how love can be self-sacrificing to the point of death and to wonder if we ourselves are capable of such depths of love. 

I haven't been as attentive as I would like in allowing the stillness of prayer to permeate my being, and I should, for it is an opportunity to be refreshed, nourished and strengthened, as Father Adrian reminded me last week, when I choose the better part, which is to sit at the feet of our Lord quietly. 

However, when I do allow myself to be mindful of the Lord's presence in my life, I have been rewarded with the ability to be grateful for small mercies and to be awed by how He can use me to make a significant difference in someone's life.  

For me, Lent is a time to say yes in an even bigger way to finding out who I am and what I am made of - to test my own limits and to challenge myself to go beyond my comfort zone. 

At the heart of Lent is the call to be more human. To find my place in this world and to claim it with courage, fortitude, discipline and zest even though I may be scared, alone, thirsty and tired.  

  

As I face a daunting week ahead of me, I know that my best choice this week is to enter the desert frequently and allow the silence to be transformed into the living water that sustains me.  

Gratitude and forgiveness revisited

Today I was paid an indirect compliment by my Third Aunt which is a rare occurrence for affirmation is not common practice among old school Asian families.

I have been spending time with her lately, helping her recuperate from a tumble down the stairs she took a month ago that has left her with two fractured vertebrae and a couple of cracked ribs.

Apart from the fact I genuinely want to see her get better, I am also motivated by something else, that through my visits to my aunt, I can still actively love and honour my father who always placed his family above his own comfort.

Every time I visit his sister, he continues to be alive and well in my heart for I know visiting Third Aunt would have made him happy, if he were still here. This, for me, is a great consolation.

Although we did not have the most equable father-daughter relationship, I am grateful for all he has done for me, something that only now in his absence do I truly appreciate, and therefore try to honour.

Martin Seligman, a proponent of positive psychology, believes people can learn how to increase their happiness quotient. In his book Authentic Happiness, he identifies in chapter five two ways of bringing "feelings of the past" into the "region of contentment and satisfaction".

"Gratitude amplifies the savoring and appreciation of the good events gone by, and rewriting history by forgiveness loosens the power of the bad events to embitter (and actually can transform bad memories into good one)."

My father was wonderful in many ways, but was, at the same time, an ogre to live with frequently. Making the conscious choice to forgive him when I was in my late twenties was possibly one of the best decisions I made in life for it enabled me to empathize with him and thereby judge him through different and kinder eyes.

Forgiveness allowed me to have a better relationship with Dad until his death: I was thankful for the good days as and when they presented themselves, and I was able to draw out lessons from the bad ones once I let go of my anger and bitterness.

As Seligman proposed, forgiveness and gratitude do point the way toward happiness. For Christians, the concepts of forgiveness and gratitude are far from revolutionary. Jesus espoused both in His time and encouraged us to do likewise. Not just because it is the better choice that will lead us to heaven, but rather it was part of His plan to give us life to the full. So that we may experience contentment, peace and happiness.

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good.

Religious experience

I just spent last weekend attending Margaret Silf's Landscapes of Prayer retreat at the Centre for Ignatian Spirituality and Counselling and it was an unbelievable religious experience. A total high.

No, I didn't go into a trance or work myself into a frenzy as if I were one of ten thousand screaming fans at a rock concert. Neither did I ingest or do anything that induced my state of euphoria that has lasted past the retreat.

It started with a genuine desire to hear God's point of view on my life and I simply gave Him the time and space to talk to me in the silence.

I came to this semi-directed retreat with a question that was causing me some distress and a steely determination to be as open-minded as my stubborn streak would allow.

As Margaret led us through the nine landscapes from her book Landscapes of Prayer, I journeyed from a garden with a winter-dead patch into a cave with a lagoon of calm, beauty and light in its centre  (much like the limestone hongs I visited off the east coast of Phuket).

Confusion gave way to clarity over the weekend as I let go of outdated ideas, past relationship hurts and misguided beliefs that have made themselves a comfortable home in my psyche.

As I meditated on some of the nine landscapes Margaret presented to the group, I found new life, keen insight and fresh inspiration.

I was drawn into a deeper intimacy with our amazing Creator as He invited me to trust Him with a child-like trust, one that bypasses my adult preponderance to fall back on known experiences and to question miracles.

D made a comment this evening that the intellect hinders one from really knowing God, especially when we engage in the academic pursuit of knowing God, not realizing that head knowledge can sometimes push us further away from God.

What I cherished about this retreat was the simplicity of the ideas presented and the subsequent invitation to find God in the beauty of the created world by revisiting familiar haunts of prayer in the mystery of stillness.

Ultimately, it was in allowing God to show me how much He loved me and the way He then proceeded to do so that blew my mind.

Contrary to what the world thinks, religious experiences are not that hard to come by, it just requires us to sit still, and in the ensuing silence, to let God do all the talking.

Dress code for Christians

When the story of a woman parishioner who was told her dressing was not appropriate for attending mass made it to the local newspaper, I was confounded for she was, in my opinion, decently dressed in every sense of the word.

It was a modern sam foo (Oriental top and pants) with three-quarter instead of full-length pants. Rather cute, I thought, and I could not quite see why it did not pass muster.

The debate about dressing (which preceded the article), what is appropriate and what is not, has been going on for years with no real outcome, as yet. There may be one soon if the Archdiocese of Singapore does decide to respond seriously on this issue, and I sincerely hope they do not.

First off, I do think there are more worthwhile issues to debate about than clothing - like global warming or social injustice and what can responsible Catholics do about it - although I do agree that some people are clad inappropriately for mass, albeit a minute percentage of the congregation.

We are also kind of missing the point when we start to criticize and pass judgement on the sartorial choices of fellow churchgoers. Too-revealing or sloppy dressing may be a religious fashion faux pas but it is no sin.

And surely what is more important is that the person actually made it to church with a heart for worship than what the person is wearing.

During the last Bible Timeline talk, Jeff Cavins gave me new insights on what being a Pharisee meant. The word itself means to separate and the Pharisees were originally set apart due to weakness, which they instead wore as a badge of honour.

The Pharisees took pride in fulfilling the Law of Moses to the letter, dotting every single I and crossing every last T, forgetting that what was most important was the spirit of the Law. Hence they despised Jesus who had expert knowledge of the Law and could challenge their exacting interpretation of the law while breaking the rules out of love and compassion.

He who dined with prostitutes who were probably immodest in dress and behaviour. Scandalous and unacceptable.

Cavins challenged us by asking us did we separate ourselves like the Pharisees, not living in the world as we are not of this world? Is Christianity about exclusivity, about what we do not or cannot do, or it is more about empowerment and what we do and can do?

Do we want people to know Jesus through us in a way that inspires love, hope and ultimately faith, or do we want them to stay away, put off by our spiritual bad breath?

Certainly there is a right and wrong way of doing things, a way that brings us closer or further away from God, but the best and only way to lead others to God is through Jesus and His loving and creative ways.

It is perhaps most appropriate then to dress ourselves in Christ's humility, compassion, openness of heart and wisdom.

Alien door

We have begun a new year of formation in the Woman to Woman Ministry and we are doing Joyce Rupp's Open the Door.

In this book we are invited to reflect on the symbolism of doors and what doors mean in our lives. This six-week prayer guide is designed to identify where we are on our individual spiritual walk, what are possible blocks to growth, possible truths we have been ignoring or rationalizing, and how we can be open to change.

Change is never easy for it calls for us to be receptive, flexible, honest with ourselves, humble, and most of all, courageous.

The alien door is the door which represents the unwanted pieces of our life. As each woman shared their "homework" last night, it is clear that facing the less than desirable truths of our lives can be painful, confusing and difficult to acknowledge.

Identifying what my alien door was threw me for a loop and evoked in me a mixture of shame and sadness, that I can still be so dysfunctional. And yet, I know, with the Almighty by my side, I may be down but not out, not by a long shot.

If I choose to befriend my shadows, then in time, and after much application, I will be empowered to grow beyond my current limiting behaviour. And I will be free.

Alien door
Its appearance fills me with foreboding.
Unspeakable horrors could lurk beyond
And yet, I am strangely attracted
To its stern but inviting exterior,
Its comforting mahogany strength that gleams
Wickedly in the shadows as shards of light
Pierce through the spaces between width and frame;
Divine beams that could shrivel my soul with truth.
The question is: should I venture forward or not?
Nothing gained if I don't, as the saying goes,
I pause, say a prayer, push open wide and enter_
A world searingly raw,
Awkward and most uncomfortable.
Out of kilter I feel vulnerable as a newborn baby
Scared and bereft
Without the swaddling of my comfort zone.
Why am I doing this? I ask for the gadzillionth time.
Do I really need to stretch and to grow?
Especially since I've ignored this alien door
For so long. What's another day?
Another year? Another lifetime?
Let me come back when I feel up to it...
Despite my weak, totally lame, excuses,
I know in my heart of hearts that
I don't want to live in darkness anymore,
Staring at the door with its promise
Of light and life from the outside,
Paralyzed by fear, leery of pain
Even though I know it is part and parcel
Of change, that will transform my world
Into a place of blessing - if I so choose.
So what will it be? To stay or to retreat?
I think, this time, I will tarry.
Thankful to the One who brought me here.
Into the inner courts of His temple
Where freedom roams and love abounds.
How lovely is your dwelling place, 
O Lord of hosts!
I think that I will stay.

Best choices

I have been unusually busy from the moment January rolled around and the pace has not let up since. Busy is good for if I don't work, I don't get paid. As always I am awed at how God takes care of my needs without me even saying a word for I was not working most of December.

Ever since I quit corporate life, I have learned what providence truly means for even through the initial difficult times, He has always made sure I had enough, just as He provided manna, quail and water for the Israelites as they wandered in the desert.

We are given many things in life, talents, gifts, and yet, often we take them for granted and look at what we do not have and crib about it. Worse, we waste the talents we have, never taking time to develop them.

Aside for developing talents, it's equally important to develop the proper life skills or a good navigation system, in order to live a rich and meaningful life. Whether it's a value or belief system, a moral code that we live by, we all need integration of reason, will and emotions in order to consistently make good decisions in life.

The sudden death of Whitney Houston has sent shock waves around the world and the prevailing reaction (the autopsy report is not yet out) is that it is drug-related due to the singer's past struggles with substance and alcohol abuse.

Houston's songs are woven into the fabric of my young adult years and I am greatly saddened her incredible talent and beauty could not overcome addictions that diminished her vocal gift and possibly took her life.

Two weeks ago, Father David shared a Spanish saying: If you don't live according to your beliefs, you end up living according to your deeds.

As he pointed out, no one starts out in life desiring to be a thief or an alcoholic. However, the choices we make in life will reinforce subsequent choices and that is how habits, beliefs and finally character are formed.

There are no short cuts to making good decisions in life for they are, not uncommonly, hard decisions, and may require much time, hard work, to bear fruit. Wisdom and fortitude are absolutely necessary to keep on the right path, while temperance and a developed sense of justice help minimize the inevitable internal struggles and conflicts one encounters.

And when one begins to despair of ever seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, it is faith, hope and love that ultimately keep one on the right track. (I know I am boringly repetitive but I am sold on virtues as being the answer to living a fulfilling life.)

It will be, by no means, an easy journey for living "good" is often unglamorous, thankless, pedestrian and draining. Good choices even call for supreme sacrifice at times, and supernatural strength (which thankfully is provided by dint of grace), but they are satisfying, mind, body and soul. And, they keep us in right and tight relationship with Jesus - always a good thing, in my book.  

To show that I do not take what is given to me lightly, I strive constantly to be a good person, one who lives out my beliefs in thought, word and deed.

I may not always be successful - integration being a life-long endeavour - but I know He will provide the means to a perfect end each time. And if I follow His lead, I will invariably make good, and even the best choices in life.

Making it work

I have always liked Project Runway's Tim Gunn for he is understatedly elegant in style and manner, proffering sage advice to contestants without being destructive.

I like him even more when I read about his candid and courageous disclosure on the show The Revolution that he had not had sex for 29 years and that he was a perfectly happy, fulfilled person.

Do I feel like less of a person for it? No! Not even remotely. I have feelings, it's not as though I am some barren forest.


Thank you, Tim, for having the guts to point out that chastity is not such a bad thing and is incidental when it comes to self-fulfilment and happiness.

Why do we allow culture to tell us what will bring us happiness and fulfilment? We often forget that fanning the flames of a sex-obsessed culture is the multi-million dollar sex industry that thrives on the sexual objectification of the human body.

Loneliness is real but what most people do not realize is that loneliness cannot be erased by a surfeit of sexual activity and that the pleasure derived from sexual promiscuity blights one's humanity and is highly addictive (thereby leading to a loss of freedom).

As GK Chesterton once said: Every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God.

What we crave in life is intimacy and union with God for that is how we are created. However, when we do not acknowledge the presence of God in our lives, we sometimes allow loneliness to obscure the truths in our lives and misdirect our desires.

Loneliness, which is part of the nature of humankind, can actually be a creative force that drives us to transcend ourselves and to bring out the best of our humanity - more so if we allow God to lead us through that particular dark valley.

A life well-lived is one where one makes the best of one's life regardless of how many times a week one has sex or not and Tim has definitely made his life work for him.

If only most of the modern world would realize that, too.

Wordless perfect

As always, baby bro and I have conversations on life when we meet, and I am always stimulated and sometimes challenged by his perspectives on life.

I find words a poor tool to convey what is in my heart for what is most profound is always hardest to articulate, especially when it is to a loved one where communication is invariably coloured by the past.

How do I explain to him my "religious fanatic" bent: my whole-hearted adherence and participation in traditions and rites of the Catholic Church that seem so rigid and ridiculous in the modern world? How do I express the deep peace and ineffable joy I experience from being loved by a man whom I cannot touch and see?

Where do I begin to bridge the inevitable differences in perspectives? What must I do to communicate to him I do not judge him, but instead, love him, and as a natural outpouring of that love, want only the best for him, which also requires me to speak the unpalatable truth at times?

I do not set out to convert him or anyone else in this world because I want to save their souls - that would be insufferable arrogance - but because my faith in Christ has led to me to discover such beauty, goodness and wisdom that gets me all excited, I want passionately to share the treasures I have found.

The gifts of faith, hope, love, peace and joy - all the things we each seek in life as necessary for our physical and spiritual well-being are there for the picking on the tree of Christianity that yields life-giving and delicious fruit.

I long to exclaim, "It doesn't have to be this way!" whenever I encounter timidity, fear, bitterness, despair and hatred of those who think God is a tyrant or a waste of time or that Church is irrelevant.

And to repair the damage done by Christians who behave without love, compassion, generosity and integrity, thereby tarnishing the awesomeness of Christianity.

God is so much more than what our human minds can perceive and grasp but the good news is Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit can help us understand and experience that which brings us life.

As with any relationship, it requires us  to do our part. When we value a relationship we nurture it by giving it proper time and attention. We find every mundane detail of a lover fascinating and seek to know more.

If we do the same with Jesus we would be blown away. I am, every day, when I give Him time to tell me how much He loves me. And it is His unconditional love and faith in me that inspires me to reach for the stars, to demand happiness and satisfaction in life, to not settle for second best at all; to live life to the full, to be gloriously free.

The personal revelations I receive convince me that the Tradition and Teaching of the Church hold great wisdom that when applied to my life, point me towards the path of self-fulfilment and fruition.

Even the hard-hitting "rules" when studied and analyzed, uncover that love was their foundation and they actually help guide us to be more human.
 
So what happens when words fail and we sit at perceived opposite ends of the table and I am tempted to walk away? Here is where I am challenged to put out my hand in love and grasp his. To put aside my pride and to just let God sit with us and do His thing.

It is enough that we, bro and I, know we love each other. In such instances, words are not needed.

Food tradition

It's been an incredibly busy time. Cooking and cleaning require more time and effort than I can remember. I am absolutely knackered but at the same time, I am glad I did it.

Although I chose to go fusion for lunch today, I madly created a menu that required a lot of prep work. I am thankful things turned out fairly well (so glad my sister-in-law offered her services today despite being under the weather).

Cooking is, for me, one of the most visible acts of love I can bestow on those I love for cooking was a major expression of love for my father who had a extremely refined palate and it is now a family tradition I like to honour, especially during festive seasons.

There is also a sense of continuity in cooking special dishes my grandmother prepared for the family that I first tasted as a child. This was especially so when I could offer my Fifth Aunt from England a soup she had not tasted in years, one that represents our Cantonese heritage.

As you may have caught on by now, food is so much more than mere sustenance to me for the art of eating well is not just about dining on exquisitely prepared cuisine, but it's equally the sense of occasion in every meal, enhanced by the sense of intimacy and union that comes from eating together food that was lovingly prepared from scratch, something that is often overlooked and not cultivated.

Just as we come to the Supper of the Lamb with reverence, we would do well to find the sense of sacred in every meal by inviting Jesus to sit and dine with us as He did in the past with prostitutes and tax collectors (we are not any better).

As such, I give thanks for having had the opportunity to sit down with family this Lunar New Year and celebrate our lives together.

New year abundance

I am finally getting into Lunar New Year mode and I am actually enjoying it. Even the spring-cleaning is satisfying although not exactly fun. Friends and baby bro have been converging slowly and it's great to play catch-up.

A huge component of the LNY is cooking and the family gathering around the dining table to finally tuck into the delicious spread after being tantalized by the appetising aromas wafting from the kitchen since early afternoon.

The scents and the tastes of the LNY bring me back to childhood days and powerful memories of my grandmother, and later my father, who prepared the food for the reunion feast so lovingly and painstakingly.

I find the Lunar New Year a great metaphor for life: sweeping out the old and ushering in the new with great pomp and ceremony. It marks the seasons of life clearly and allows one the chance for renewal and to make right what wasn't in the previous year.

It's also about bringing people together, to honour family traditions and the values of filial piety and family unity; a multi-generational celebration of life.

Although the symbolism of the LNY centres around financial prosperity and abundance, it's a good reminder that we should live life with abundance spiritually and emotionally as well.

Today's readings help me walk along the path of abundance.

The first reading is from Jonah and reminds us of the value of repentance as experienced by the inhabitants of Nineveh.

The second is from St. Paul reminding us that time is running out and we need to be mindful of how we live out the time we have been allotted.

And the Gospel is from Mark: an invitation from Jesus to the disciples to be fishers of men.

Repentance is important, for like it or not, we will sin, as long as we are alive. And yet, it is not something we dwell upon much if we can help it.

I used to think it's okay to remain mired in sin for as long as it affords me some happiness, I am willing to bear the consequences when I eventually stood at the pearly gates. I was beyond redemption anyway, so why bother? And of course the longer I stayed away, the harder it was for me to turn around and return to God.

Then I progressed to cutting myself a break when I sinned. "I am not perfect and besides, I will be forgiven for God is all merciful." This attitude encouraged me to  be complacent and not work harder at eradicating a particular weakness or acquiring a certain virtue.

Repentance is not easy for pride makes it hard for us to admit that something is indeed wrong with our behaviour and that change is needed. And even when we know we need to alter our behaviour, we hide behind a host of rationalizations and just park, refusing to get onto the freeway that leads to freedom.

We choose to ignore that time is running out for every day we delay a positive response, it is one more day we deny ourselves the opportunity to live abundantly.

Metanoia, an internal change, repentance is needed. To see with the eyes of the heart. This can only happen when I come clean with Jesus, humble myself and ask for forgiveness. The funny thing is when I am able to do this, I am no longer bound by sin or wallowing in despair and hopelessness; I am given new heart.

New year. New life. It can happen for didn't Jesus say He came so that we may have life and to have it to the full?

I look forward to the promised abundance.