Listening with humility

I just visited my SD yesterday and it was a fruitful visit covering a range of topics. When he asked me what I learnt from my visit to Fatima, I summarized it in three words for him for he is a little hard of hearing: Listen with humility. With a Gallic twinkle in his eye, he added, “Especially to those whom you are allergic to”.

How true. We often summarily dismiss the words of anyone, especially those for whom we lack affection or respect. I know I do it all the time – I shut them down and I shut them out. Worse, I often go around thinking I am right, and if anyone says anything contrary to my world view, I am quick to reject his or her words even if I happen to like the person. I, therefore, lose the possibility of gaining insight, wisdom and empathy, aside from the deepening of relationship bonds. Without humility, true listening cannot happen, thus, relationships have no space to breathe and grow.  

So listening with humility is a key activity for me to master in this stage of my journey if I do not want to end up an insufferable fool. Every day I have to stop myself from allowing quick, impatient words to tumble out of my mouth, words that are ill considered and can cause more harm instead of the good I desire; words that tear down, instead of building up. Another pearl my SD offered me years ago is that a person of good will is like fat in all the unwanted places. I do not wish to be a do gooder who lacks insight, wisdom and compassion, and whose actions are therefore of no discernible value. Meaning well and actually effecting real good are two entirely different things.

The prayer SD taught me years ago that is pure gold is to simply ask: Lord, show me how to love today? And in order to curb my impulsive, foolish tongue: Lord, please put Your words on my tongue today. 

Our Lady of Fatima also inspired me to make real in my life those fateful words at Cana: Do whatever He tells you. As a servant of the Lord, this imperative is vital, to being a good and faithful servant.  

SD and I also spoke of illness, mission, covenant and marriage.

“As long as we are alive, we have a mission to accomplish!” he ended his answer to how he was, given the infirmities age has imposed on him. Despite his lack of mobility and deafness, he still makes the effort to connect with people every day, and when we shared about people in our lives with cancer, he ended with a request that I pray for his friends as he will pray for my friends. What a testament to God is his zeal, his beautiful missionary heart still at work. I hope that I will never lose this living faith that SD embodies.   

On covenant - something I have been reflecting a lot on recently, given my upcoming five-year commitment taking with the ICPE Mission – SD shared another pearl, that covenant goes beyond a legal contract or duty, and that it is a choice, but a choice that needs love to be true. Love is at the heart of any covenant. It is initiated first by God, out of love, and I choose to respond with a yes, out of love for Him. This response made out of love must first translate in concrete ways of loving my community brothers and sisters in ways that they need to be loved. This requires a daily intention to love; effort, on my part, to love; and perseverance to love. 1 Corinthians 13:7 reverberates on what love should be:  

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

No community is perfect, no one is perfect, all of us have our own quirks and issues, we will irritate and hurt each other at times, we may not see eye to eye, we may become disillusioned, even broken… However, community is the place where we can each grow in tolerance, graciousness, generosity, compassion, patience, and all those wonderful virtues, gifts and fruits of the Spirit that every missionary disciple should possess, especially if we want to transform the world with the good news we bring. So, yes, love has to be the superpower I choose, for my covenant to be life-giving and rich, especially when my experience of living out the covenant can be hard going at times. All commitments to covenants are marathons, not sprints, I can only ask for the grace to keep running the race, and attaining the merits of enduring love, hope and faith.     

Finally, we spoke about marriage. What did I desire to pray for? I said I wanted to be able to love my husband in the way he needed to be loved, and not the way I thought he needed to be loved. He rejoined, “Ah, you are becoming more aware of his weaknesses.”

Initially I couldn’t quite see the connection, but he went on, “Men are not as strong as you think they are, and they all need to be pampered”. I could then see his point. I have taken P for granted in many ways because he is strong, capable, reliable, and someone I know I can lean on. Despite his many sterling qualities, there is a boy inside of him who also requires nurturing, gentleness and maternal warmth. Just as the girl inside of me needs someone to care for her in order she feels cherished and confident. The inner child who still resides in each of us needs assiduous tending. What a great reminder!

And so it all comes back to listening with humility, and doing whatever He tells me to do. I thank God for all the people He has put in my life to help me see truths and I also thank Him for giving me the heart to do whatever I need to do every single day. Without His love and His grace, I can do nothing.

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O Lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and Thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

-        Saint Ignatius of Loyola

Fatima reveals

When one goes to a Marian shrine like Fatima in Portugal, there are expectations, especially when the day of the visit falls on 13 September, the date of the penultimate apparition of Mother Mary to young Lucia, Francisco and Jacinta in 1917.

I wasn't disappinted. Despite my initial dismay and stress induced by the brevity of the visit, I was given hard but clear insight as to what a pilgrimage is really meant for - a conversion of heart.

What did I really want to get out of going to Fatima? The answer was crystalline: peace and harmony that comes from the ability to love and forgive, as suggested by our driver cum guide, John, before we got there.

When I knew what I wanted, it was easy to know where to go, in spite of my initial confusion. The way forward was to jettison all negative emotion and to be led by the Spirit. I could hear Mother Mary encourage me: Follow him. So together with P by my side, we went forward to receive Jesus in the Eucharist as we became one with the pilgrims who were attending mass in the main square.

Before we left, some insights that came to me were that the love of Christ is always attainable, even when I am distracted and not quite feeling it. Conversion requires nothing more than the sincere desire to follow Christ, and then for me to make good that desire in action. Not an easy thing to accomplish most times, but doable mainly because His grace is always available to those who want it.

Jesus is always there for me, and with me, and He wants to bless me, but in order to be blessed, I have to receive Him with a repentant heart, a heart fully aware of my own sinfulness, but humble enough to rely wholly on Him to help me change, and thus to be able to refine my thoughts, words and actions continually.

The message given to the children that September in 1917 remains fresh:

You must pray! Continue to pray the Rosary every day in order to obtain the end of the war.

Praying unceasingly is the only way we can end the wars waged not just externally, but especially those we each wage internally. Unless I win those skirmishes with my inner demons that breed fear, resentment and discord, I cannot be His ambassador of peace, nor His face of love.

Our Lady of Fatima pray for us who believe, who adore, who hope, and who love God, and who ask pardon for those who do not believe, do not adore, do not hope and do not love. 

Marian availability

Recently at a cell group meeting we were each asked to reflect on where the Lord was calling each of us in different areas of our lives, and what would we each want to see in terms of personal growth or accomplishment over time?

The overarching thing for me was my availability, not just in tending to my own spiritual growth, or ageing physical self, but in giving time and energy to others which allowed them to experience the love of God.

That said, this year has been filled with many tumultuous events, and a varied group of people have come into my life, each of whom require something different from me. It has been challenging, to say the least, for it has often led me to question myself for I have felt stretched, and it has showed in my waning stores of patience, compassion and wisdom. I often feel that I frequently fail, that I could've been nicer, more gentle, and just more loving in my responses, rather than allowing my frustration and impatience to show.

The virtue of gentleness, a gentleness Mary of Nazereth displayed in dealing with life, either on the fly, or in pedestrian routine, this is what I desire. Life will always be messy and chaotic, storms do not appear at infrequent intervals but often in a flurry of atmospheric displays. I often feel I am batting desperately at a volley of shots that come my way, fast and furious, and from every angle. It is tiring, I get stressed out, I often feel like screaming, and yet, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my life the way it is.

I find meaning in everything I have been tasked to do, whether it be at work or on the domestic front. I find joy in my relationships: I feel loved and supported by my spouse - my heavenly Bridegroom and my earthly one - and I find myself able to love those around me, not always perfectly, but in ways they need to experience love.

My mission is to change the world in every personal encounter I have, and in the humblest of ways, often engaged in making a difference where my presence is not visible. As my SD pointed out, Mother Mary was first and foremost a humble Jewish girl who simply said yes to God, again, and again, and again. All her titles, especially the loftier ones, stem from her humility and her open heart. Nothing more than that.

So I seek to be more like her, every day, to listen, to ponder, then to act with sensitivity, and a generous heart. What I would like to see as accomplishment by year-end, is to better manage my temper and my fear of being wrong, and of looking stupid. I would like to be more confident, and calm in how I respond to adversity and challenge, and to behave with graciousness, acknowledging in my heart that being kind is better than being right. And when I fall, not to give up, but to quickly pick myself up and try again.

There's something about Mother Mary that makes the world a better place. She had a talent for getting people, like Jesus, perform miracles, and she still changes lives by appearing in quiet ways and effecting transformation in the hearts of those who see her. So more of her in me, please.