Perfecting boundaries

 J loves this library book called The Perfect Picnic by Clara Flood and it has been read and borrowed again multiple times. It’s about a squirrel and a mole who are neighbours and the best of friends, and who do everything together. 

Squirrel wanted to go on a picnic one day and Mole agreed. Even though Mole preferred his sandwiches buttered he gave in amiably to Squirrel’s idea of perfect picnic food which included unbuttered sandwiches. 

With Mole carrying the loaded picnic bag pack, they set out to find the perfect picnic spot. Unfortunately the bottom of the bag was ripped opened by brambles at the start of their journey and as they trekked around, mostly in a circle, seeking the perfect spot, they unknowingly lose one item at a time.  

Every place they go to Squirrel finds fault with it: too sunny, too shady, too gusty, too busy… Eventually they end up in the meadow, the first place they had found but was earlier deemed too sunny by Squirrel who now declares it perfect, only to find they have lost every item in the bag. 

Squirrel reacts with great dismay. Her picnic is ruined. She and Mole are next greeted by a stream of animals who had found a dropped item each and had come to return it, albeit in less than pristine condition, and in the case of the crackers, most of it consumed. 

Squirrel is still inconsolable while the animals set about trying to make things right: heating up the cold tea, mending the chipped plates, cutting the smashed cake into slices and brushing sand off the sandwiches. Finally they all sit down together and end up having a wonderful time. The story ends with Squirrel saying yes to another picnic, but this time, with buttered sandwiches as suggested by Mole. 

I love this story as much as J for it holds so many truths about human behaviour; about love, friendship, the kindness of strangers and what perfection actually is. 

I find as I grow older, I tend to be like Squirrel. I know exactly what I want and I put in effort to have it just so. When perfection doesn’t happen I get bent out of shape which makes me irritable and difficult. I often throw compassion and empathy out the window in my quest for perfection and especially when I don’t get it. It takes me great effort to see what’s happening and to respond in a more mature fashion so that I can be a joy (which I truly want) than to be a pain (which I often am). 

In rereading the book on Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, my personal takeaway this time is how important it is to constantly examine and adjust my internal boundaries in order to establish healthy external ones. 

It’s therefore important to know who I am, what I stand for, and the person I truly want to be before I begin to interact with people around me, especially my loved ones. The recipe to successful boundary-making which Cloud and Townsend encourage involves values and calls to action we find richly scattered in the Bible such as: accountability, responsibility, mutual respect, the frequent practice of forgiveness, clarifying inner motivations, responding intentionally rather than reacting impulsively, and, most importantly, making the decision to love in the freedom of God’s truth and love as a beloved child of God.  

We may not be able to fix all things, and it may take plenty of time, patience and effort, but boundaries are worth building for they allow us to be good, committed Christians. 

Through her research Brene Brown found a high correlation between boundaries and compassion. She talks about how boundaries are the key to self-love and to treating others with love and kindness, and how empathy, which is compassion lived out in concrete ways, is not finite. “If you’ve done your work and set your boundaries you can tread that water forever.”

Part of the work involves a generosity of spirit to assume that people are doing the best they can - all the time. This helps us make our own lives better for the first life we change is our own, we change how we look at things and deal with issues. So the BIG question to keep asking ourselves Brown recommends is: what boundaries need to be in place for me to keep my integrity and yet make the most generous assumptions about you.  

Building boundaries is no easy task, but it is very necessary to ensure we remain generous, compassionate and loving people without suffering from resentment or burnout. It requires guts and wisdom: to know when to speak up and when to remain silent. So cultivate a great relationship with the Holy Spirit in order to know when, where, and how to behave with gutsy integrity that will not only glorify the Father, but allow you to live with inner peace.

Like Mole, I need to love the squirrels in my life for who they are and yet be able to gently and judiciously establish boundaries in order to ensure a healthy balance in relationship with them. 

Like Squirrel, I need to enjoy the journey more rather than allow the idea of perfection dictate my actions, also to recognize when I have overstepped my boundaries, and to ultimately enjoy the serendipity of life’s many and unexpected surprises.